Ups & downs (some lost, some found)

Table of Contents

Title Page

Samanah Rizvi

Ups & downs (some lost, some found) © 2021 Samanah Rizvi

Samanah Rizvi

Ups & downs (some lost, some found) © 2021 Samanah Rizvi

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the presenters. Samanah Rizvi asserts the moral right to be identified as author of this work. Presentation by BookLeaf Publishing Web: www.bookleafpub.com E-mail: [email protected] ISBN: First edition 2021

To me, for finally doing something for myself. Also, Hasan, for the push .

Acknowledgement I want to thank: My Maa My angel, my Dad My husband, Hasan My sisters, Marziya & Bushra baji My brother, Wajju (especially for the book title) My handsome hunks: Waqar & Sajjad My new family: Farah & Samira My minions: Kiara, Raafey, Noor, Rohaan My constants: Gahana & Kinnari My best people: Balraj, Bawa, Sucheta, Nikita, Gaurav, Priyanka, Karishma, Sharvi, Jyoti, Bhakti To all the people who inspired me through simple conversations, teaching me a lesson or giving me positive vibes. And the last thank you to all the people who had the choice to stay but chose to walk away. I learnt a lot :)

1. Blocked roads It was you, it was me. It was everything that I felt when you were with me. It wasn’t love at first sight, but comfort downright. The silence we shared wasn’t quite refreshing. I hoped that the turmoil in our head was the same. With each ing day, we got closer, close enough till you reached my doorstep. I did not open the doors or the windows that lead to me, because there weren’t any. The journey was perplexing yet beautiful, Yet you found your way through this struggle. I wait for you to decide which path to take. Try and stay on the same page as me and we will find a way out of it. At a crossroads, It may be hard to know where the problem lies if you choose yourself and I choose you. Which decision is more difficult? I will love you more than I love myself. But who will win this war? The one who walked through the struggle or the one who blocked all the roads leading to her shut. Embrace this journey with an open heart, I will win if you choose not to return.

2. Beginning of the fall I wished to be an entrepreneur one day, Skills, knowledge and education was more than adequate, what lacked was the hunger that would lead the way. “I want to run a business Daddy” I say He sees the spark in my eyes, instructs his friend to be my guide, gives him the moola and asks us to go ahead. Subject theory in my mind, I step outside only to be misled. We invest in a company that manufactures jewellery. The friend in our enemy tells us, “this is the best opportunity.” With no experience in hand I get the title of a director I doubt every intention but my heart says it is for the better. We give birth to beautiful jewellery everyday and try to keep the manufacturing up to maximum in every way. We put our trust in people who should have been shooed away, but as they say, you learn from your mistake. You can never know who is fake. The business has its highs and lows, if you see carefully it's mostly low. I try to read between the lines, figure out the source of the losses, and try to unmask the masked faces only to get a big blow. Four years of my father’s hard earned money is very easily shown as a loss in the p&l . The friendly neighbourhood enemy says, Your father is rich, it is a very small amount.

My family thinks I should have paid the business more attention. I yell, “I was, I just didn’t know his intentions.” Daddy says, “Shut down the business before we have to sell our asset” When he clearly knew that his friend was in bad debt. With a heavy privileged heart I announce the company's closure. It's easy for him to walk away without any legal troubles, because trust is the only thing they put on paper. From owning everything to nothing at all, a four year journey suddenly came to a halt. These years of the past come to visit me daily to haunt. “Move on!” They say. “Forgive and forget!” Two billion was my father’s money, I just can’t reset! Till today I move a step away from my past, I will run away fast from the past only when I see him at his last .

3. Burn I am sitting alone at my ant's desk and wondering what am I doing here? Not just alone at her desk, but also alone in the office. The clutter around me is making me question my existence, the question still remains unanswered, 'What am I doing here?' Nearby there are cartons which are filled up to the top, one more file and it might burst like the emotions in me. While stretching my neck I spot a 2016 calendar which is in the month of November, 'Why hasn't anyone changed it since 7 months?' Delivery receipts are pinned up on the notice board, when slight winds blow towards them, they combine their superpowers to fight the nail that's pinning them down. Am I in a similar situation? I face a big Godrej safe, the faded red swastika mark keeps reminding me of the dreams that I had set and they just faded away with no explanation. Empty plastic boxes, papers, gold dust, more papers, plastic bags, more papers, these are the only things that my troubled eyes can spot. A huge stack of empty job cards is staring at me, empty? I hope not, hoping to find some loose diamonds, a few gold pieces, and maybe some cherished aspirations that now rot. On a very grimy wall, there is a frame of one of the Hindu goddesses, the frame is too dusty, maybe that's why she didn't notice my plight. As I walk through this messy room, I know I am walking through an incomplete dream which I held onto for too long. My hands have ligature marks that were left behind by these strong ambitions. My willpower will heal them soon, though the burn mark left behind on my heart might just ignite again. As I walk through this messy room, I spot the first aid box, kept for emergency purposes at a factory. I burst out laughing when I spotted a medicine which reads, 'Burnol' - apply to the burned area .

4. The fall Moving on from the past isn’t as easy as it seems. Every hard hitting truth will make you want to scream. The company shutting down was not my plan. And to keep it running meant wasting more than we can. When we put a lock on the factory, I locked myself in with it. Physically I never turned my back, mentally I was always throwing a fit. I isolated myself from people, I said no to old friends and a definite no to new people. The phase I was going through was definitely lethal. I was open to opportunities, but needed a big push. I buried myself in books, all I wanted was people with advice to shush. I had nightmares that didn’t let me sleep, and an anxiety that got the worse of me. I needed therapy or a magic wand to cure this dark phase and even darker circles. My therapist put me on medication straight away, he said, “chronic stress has created sleep hurdles.” My parents, my strength and even bigger weakness saw the wrath in me. They wanted me to distract my mind but accept reality and not flee. I took baby steps and finally learnt to walk again, only to realise I experienced so much from the ground below.

The walk was steady but I had to take things slow, it would take time when I was at an all time low. I tried my hands at various things, failure had been brutal but wise to me. Failure taught me all the lessons I wouldn’t have normally learnt. Some people are there in your life to watch the climb the ladder of success, some people are there to burn the ladder down. I wouldn’t say I am out of this phase completely, but till then I’ll write to turn this frown upside down.

5. Find me If I ever get lost come along and search for me, if you find me, don't say a word, just sit there and watch me patiently. Sit quietly and hear the silence that echoes. Try and understand what I don't say, try listening to the voice devoid of emotions. When I am looking at my fears straight into their eyes,hold onto me, without saying it out loud just give me a sign of your omnipresence. Maybe when I am ready to be found, pick me up and take little steps for, my eyes have been in the dark for long, opening them into the light will take time. Take me there where peace is found, where love knows no barriers, where selflessness conquers selfishness, where happiness is in abundance and I don't need to search for you, for you will always be by my side. A place where if I get low, love will pick me up, happiness will wrap me in it's arms and you, my peace will put me to sleep .

6. Father of a Selfless soul I thought I had all the time in the world to see everything beautiful. I was mistaken and ungrateful. I could have stopped and stared at the sky once in a while, Maybe look at a stranger and at times smile. I have been to beautiful places all around the world. But I was busy making money, it is now so blurred. I tasted the best food but never stopped to search for a story that I could share. I meant only business and money I swear. If I had 5 mins to spare I would spend it with my ants. It would have been lovely to spend the time with my daughter who explored all the mountains. Now I lay here giving all the money I earned to the doctors for a kidney. When I know I should give this time to the people who were with me. My children, my ing wife is all I have. The money in my bank makes no sense to me. Why did I run so much when I could have built something beautiful for my children to see. The doctors found a match with my daughter’s kidney. I knew she wouldn’t donate it to a selfish father and why would she. She stood behind the doctors and tried not to face me, they told me that she had agreed to donate and walked away after giving us the surgery’s date. She came close to me, her moist eyes and the dreams in it were speaking a

thousand words. “I am still your little girl and I will do whatever it takes to save you” she whispered. I thought to myself, I am glad I wasn’t around too much while she turned into this selfless soul who kept her word. If only I could ask for her heart instead of her kidney .

7. Venturesome bird In a cage yet free, she flew to places she had never been. She visited the beaches, the mountains, quenched her thirst from the beautiful fountains. She flew high and low, with nothing in her mind but just the freedom, which was now! She sang for you, woke everyone up for the sun. Her songs meant something if only I could understand what she meant. One morning, I woke up to her songs. I went to my window to hear her closely, I didn’t hear her this time, I listened carefully. In a hypnotic trance, I traveled with the places I had never been, I followed her voice, It led me to the most serene beaches, I climbed up mountains, I cupped my hands and took a draft of the cool water of the river that ran through the forest. The bird flew low and dipped her feathers in the cool water. She flocked her feathers near my cheeks to cool me down. The water droplets got me out of the trance, I opened the cage and let her out. If her imagination could take her places, imagine what her wings would do !

8. Secrets I walk this empty street thinking about the secrets I keep As I walk ahead I turn around to see what’s left behind? Is it worth a smile? Is it worth anyone’s time? I made mistakes, hurt a lot of people Not more than the scars they gave Not more than the hearts they broke I walk this Empty Street, thinking about the people with me Are they worth the efforts I take? Are they the ones I really need? I walk this empty street thinking about this beautiful dream In which there are happier people; brighter days and no secrets to keep...

9. Habit or love You saw the mayhem, the chaos and violence in me. You experienced the stress that know one could see. You met me at my worst, but I smiled to hide it all. You read between the lines and even saw what was hidden behind the wall. You took me out of the darkness to show me the light I could never spot. That’s when I fell in love twice, with life and you. Things moved fast and beautifully, it was too good to be true. I had my hopes high and you flew that length to keep them alive. You never sugar coated life for me, it was always a reality check to keep me firm. You were never expressive but when I fell, you were there to reaffirm. I how beautiful you looked that day, the day I was going to tell you about how I fell in love twice. “I love you and I cannot imagine a day without you.” I said. You smiled right back at me and said, “There is a difference between love and being someone’s habit.” That sentence struck me like a lightning bolt. That day I gave up on all my habits so that I could differentiate between love and a tendency, especially one that is hard to give up. The mayhem, the chaos was now back in the form of you .

10. Weapon called faith The worst battle she ever fought was on what she knew and how much she could achieve. Her weapon of choice was faith dipped in hope. This battle was going to be hard, but giving up wasn’t. You want to see her strength, look deep into her eyes. She will look you in the eye and show you that she is fierce and full of fire. You try to push her down, she will awaken more powerful than before. You play games with her but she will set the rules. She chooses her weapons carefully, but faith is her constant, she will slay every situation because she knows she deserves better... always!

11. Worth the wait I will wait for you because I know you will be worth the wait, I will wait for you because you have brought magic into my ordinary life. I will let the seasons by, I will see time ing by in the yellow and green leaves, from when they bloomed till they were crushed under the feet of a playful kid. I will watch the sun take a dip in the sea, and hope for a better sparkle for when it rises. I’ll watch the time by, I will feel your absence every time the second hand moves. I will keep an eye out in the sky at dusk, when they will flock home together, I will smile and head back inside. I will make tea for two and pour one. The warmth of the tea cup will remind me of you. I will wait for you till I feel the same warmth in my arms. I will wait for you till you find me where you left me.

12. Overweight matter I have gotten comfortable in my own skin. Is it good or bad? I will never know. I have bruises and scars that will always show. But to me, they are stories which a few will know. I have gotten comfortable in my own skin Well, that’s too much skin looking at my double chin. Do I want to shed this or should I keep it? Oh, wait! I will shed who would want to keep the extra weight. I am a tad bit more confident than I used to be, Wasn’t this someone I always wanted to be? There are layers of skin, which I want to keep, Well, at least that is a step even though it is steep. I have gotten too comfortable in my own skin, Is it good or bad? I ask while holding a glass of gin. My choices, my experiences, the lessons I learn, Will they be the same as warned by my elders? Because I have an intense feeling of longing for something, Damn! I just defined yearn! I am comfortable in my own skin. Call me overweight, call me the girl with scars, call me all the names you want. I am where I am supposed to be, far away from all your taunts. I close my ears from the inside, that’s my way of filtering what gets to my mind. Is it good or bad? Well, I am at peace and for the answers...that’s for you to find .

13. Midnight chaos When my head hits my pillow, Maybe it hits too hard because sleep escapes my eyes. I appreciate the silence around me, It speaks piercingly. Now that everyone around me is asleep, I can finally hear my thoughts talk. It is mostly gibberish because every thought talks at the same time. I try to ssh them, they calm down for a bit. One tiny hand is raised, that is my thought taking permission to talk. I sigh but nod in agreement, It asks, “Do you the argument you had with your professor in 2010? I have a great comeback for what he said.” I just signal him to shut up. But the others start laughing and talking once again. It gets chaotic inside and I leave my mind to look around me. The clock ticks away, it is definitely not waiting for me. The air conditioner is set at 22 and the fan is set to underperform. The voices in my head are trying to lure me back. I don’t want to get into the chaos at the moment. I have been asked to take medicines that will help me sleep. The dose of which I took 6 hours ago. I look outside the window. The city has definitely slept. “What keeps you awake?” asks the voice in my head. “It is one of you, the voice of regret, the voice of comebacks, the voice of love, the voice of losing control, the voice of failures and success, the voice of the memories and lost relationships, the voice of today, tomorrow and yesterday.” Post my venting, they all go quiet.

As the night becomes day, they leave me with my riot .

14. Long-distance mother I found that picture of us, the last one that we took together. If only we knew that was the last time we would be meeting, I bet the hug would have been tighter. The lockdown has been testing us, do you think we can sail through? For now I can only close my eyes and picture you. The distance is long but worry not, we will see each other soon. Go back in time and when we first met, it was 2020, 10th of June. We met briefly , but even you knew our relationship would bloom. Every emotion in the world on one side of the scale and our first meeting together on the other. Destiny had finally managed to get you and me together. The memories are now all that we have to survive through this pandemic. God is writing a funny story for us or maybe he is just being poetic. My daughter, I wait for the day I will get to hold you in my arms again. A mother’s prayers don’t go unanswered, this space between us will taught me to never take life for granted Because every minute that I spend without you will make you feel abandoned. Just that your mother loves you and is trying hard to build the bridge to get to you. Don’t think that this mother of yours is heartless because the moment we reunite I will only smile, I have weeped enough and watched time slowly by

15. Start stop I found my watercolours after a long time. It reminded me of the time when I loved to colour, now the colours had dried up like a piece of dry land. A dry land, a dry zeal. When did I forget to be the kid who would randomly fill pages with colours and wait for my proud mother to boost my talent? I guess I didn’t lose the talent, I just buried the watercolours under the weight of running life’s race. A race that I have no clue about when I participated in. A race that was tiring because I was leaving behind my enthusiasm. Why was I running? I asked myself. Where was I headed? I thought to myself. I stopped midway, not just thinking but stopped running for a bit. I sat down, fixed my watercolours. I opened a blank page and started colouring. My mother peeked in my room to see me smile. I smiled back at her and opened my pandora’s box of thoughts. I realised I can start and stop whenever I want to. Whether it is my thoughts or running this race.

16. Waiting eyes Lights in the night sky, Oh it’s so calm to have you by my side. Your illumination is not too bright, not too dull, it is exactly like the eyes in which I confide. I have seen the same radiance in his eyes, They shine with the help of the love inside his heart. I them when we are miles apart. Oh his eyes, his gleaming eyes! They intensely speak to me and have no story to hide. I wouldn’t write if I didn’t know you. My hand would stop at certain times, my words would jumble. I know that because I have always waited for the right moment to share my emotions I am writing for you even though you deserve more than my utterance, but this is the only thing I am decent at. I write for you because the lights in the night sky reminded me that your eyes have waited to read but I just didn't have the words to tell you what you mean...

17. One of a kind She’s one of a kind and I mean it when I say it. I won’t say her eyes are deep and the most expressive, I will definitely not describe her long wavy hair which troubles her eyes when it plays with the wind. I would find it difficult to describe her lost expressions, the expressions she gives when she is amidst a conversation, her eyes look away from you when you talk, she avoids eye when you look at her. She only looks when she thinks you can’t see her. She will look at you with sympathy, with a lot of love, with all the emotions one can describe and when you look back at her, her eyes will run away and hide behind the things around her.

––––––––

Her intuition is her superpower. Her favourite pastime is reading and observing people around her. She not only will read you but will get into your mind. It is difficult to not let her be a part of you and when she is not around you, there will be a part of you that will miss her. You will notice a big smile when you spot her in the crowd, you will try to control that smile, but you won’t be able to hide it. The calmness in her voice makes you want to listen to her more. In this world full of noise, her voice will rescue you. She is good at hiding her emotions, she doesn’t know her way with words.

Her thoughts and words don’t match. One day I know she will yell, scream out and let go of her emotions. One day she will sob and take it all out. That day, She will find herself.

18. She In this world of hatred and jealousy there is a girl who sits and smiles away to glory She has her reasons, she has a story In this world of broken hearts and faded memories, She sits and mends those hearts and clears their vision to relive those memories. In this world of troubled pasts and ugly family histories, She tells people to look ahead because everyone is fighting their own battle. She lives for the people, she lives to see them smile. She lives because this is just one time she can do everything right She lives because she knows that she will spread her light and shine bright In this world of hatred and jealousy there is a girl who sits and smiles ...

19. Hiraeth I left home, walked for a million miles away from it, But the memories stuck on to me till date. How could I leave them behind? Ever since I stepped out of that house, it is the only fresh reminiscence in my mind. A 6-month-old me was carried into the home that I cannot now call mine. Being carried in was easy, but walking out of the house permanently was onerous. I am not homeless, but a place where I learned my first was my home. It aches to describe it in the past tense because that is where my friends and I dreamt of a future. Talking of firsts, the home was where I planted my first tree. It was a mango tree. When I walked out of the house, it had grown to my knee. I had felt pain for the first time in the house too, the pain that I still carry. I came across a word today, Hiraeth. The reason why I rode into the past. With a heart so heavy I declared, Hiraeth to me is House number 1144. A house that I once called home. A nostalgia that would be my favourite indulgent. A yearning so deep, and a longing to encounter it all, once more .

20. My best friend Today my friend announced that we are now best friends, Well atleast I knew this was going to be a friendship that would never end. I had known her for 3 years, we had met through my sister. I was intrigued by her because she was quite a trickster. We didn’t talk the same language but it was easy to interact. We had a lot in common, maybe that's the reason for our pact. She made me realise that I had changed so drastically, once upon a time I was as carefree as she. I was exactly like her when I was three. My friend turned best friend was my little niece who was now four. I knew this friendship would never end if I had a doubt. Do you really think I would bother to make a friend anymore? Talking to her reminds me of what I left behind and changed for what. Her name is Noor, which means the divine light. Her friendship means the world to me, because each day I learn a little about her and I a little about me.