Hope: Live Life... 4d15l

About The Book

“Hope,” is a continuation of; “My Special Place,” and “My Special Place, Today.” It is the memoirs of a small girl growing up in a highly dysfunctional family where unity between parents and children doesn’t exist. This young girl succumbs to traumas and tragedies that lead her down a path where she is deluged with mental illness. Does she deem herself unfit to be a loving daughter, mother, and wife? Yet throughout her life she struggles to understand the spirituality of her faith. Through her faith in God she reaches out to people of all kinds, the sick, the healthy, the intelligent, and also the happy and the sad. Deanne’s life continues to take her through those times that break her heart with bouts of major depression and anxiety. But with each episode Deanne finds the strength to overcome her illness through the many mental health workers, her friends and her family and through Our Lord Jesus Christ. Her journeys are heart wrenching and truthful with the subtlety of human emotion.

HOPE

Live Life...

Deanne Winter

Contents

Acknowledgements Introduction Prologue Chapter One Chapter Two Chapter Three Chapter Four Chapter Five Chapter Six Chapter Seven Chapter Eight Chapter Nine Chapter Ten Chapter Eleven Chapter Twelve Chapter Thirteen Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Sixteen Chapter Seventeen Chapter Eighteen Chapter Nineteen Chapter Twenty Chapter Twenty-One Chapter Twenty-Two Chapter Twenty-Three Chapter Twenty-Four Chapter Twenty-Five Chapter Twenty-Six Chapter Twenty-Seven Chapter Twenty-Eight Chapter Twenty-Nine Chapter Thirty Chapter Thirty-One Epilogue About The Author The Beauty of the White Lily

AuthorHouse™ 1663 Liberty Drive, Suite 200 Bloomington, IN 47403 www.authorhouse.com Phone: 1-800-839-8640

© 2009 Deanne Winter. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

First published by AuthorHouse 2/18/2009

ISBN: 978-1-4389-4184-4 (sc) ISBN: 978-1-4670-4913-9 (ebk)

Printed in the United States of America Bloomington, Indiana

Acknowledgements

Many people have made a difference in my life. I cannot name them all because there are so many. What I would like to say is that God has taken me on several spiritual journeys where I have met many people. These people have been so full of affection and kindness when they have heard my story. They have boosted my courage, letting me know that I can conquer whatever challenge I choose to follow. I have met a great deal of people whose lives have ed with mine. There have been many people throughout my life who have helped me comprehend life through spirituality, tolerance, and healing. As a young child and adolescent I did not understand the many consequences attempting reality. I questioned many emotional feeling in which I sense a heartfelt wisdom. I learned a faith where at times I would question that faith. Yet I became endowed with an internal faith giving me strength when dealing with the pressing actions of others. I wish to thank my children for showing me the innocence of a love I never want to abandon. I wish to thank my treatment team for showing me what I have to live for even though I had times I did not wish to accept the idea of life. And Lastly I wish to thank my husband whom without, I would not be here. He has continually guided me through a life of constant love and understanding without which I cannot conceive to be. I have many friends who share the joys and the sorrows life brings our way. Maryanne, Pauline, Jeanne, Debbie, Mitzy, Claire, Mickey, Kay, and Laura, people from the Sacred Heart Thrift Store where I volunteer, have reached out to me when I show up on Mondays. Since my volunteering, I have been befriended with a fellowship in helping others. The ECT Treatment Team is ever so patient and kind. They are full of good cheer whenever I arrive for treatment. They have helped me to reach out inside myself and not give up the fight…. I must battle to win. They are: Nancy and Claire, the nurses, Dr. Young and Dr. Alesker, the psychiatrists: Dr. Redd and Dr. Lempert, the anesthesiologists. Without their help, I would still be at a crossroads with my depression and anxiety.

My Treatment Team has ed me for several years. Whenever I need help I only need to make a phone call and they will be there to listen. They are filled with much patience. There have been so many times that I truly feel desperate. They know my history and they know how to deal with my intense emotions. They have taught me one of my hardest lessons, how to communicate. Debbie, my social worker and also my friend, Dr. Figman, my psychiatrist, helps me deal on an intellectual level. He helps me think when I don’t feel adept at thinking. My Family, who have been through everything with me and still me. For many years they have shared my battles. They give me the love I never had as a child. They give me comion and understanding when I need it the most. My Family is: Stu, Joshua & Tina, Morgan, Amy & Sean, Benjamin & Caity, Susan & James, Bobby & Chris, my Dad and Jane, Doug & Barbara, and Marilyn & Dave and my Mom. We will always remain family. Family means everything to me. My true friends have always ed me. I also have new friends whom I have met. Some I have met through day treatment programs and some are old friends from school days at the Academy. My Friends are: Mary R., Sue, Arlene, Judy, Sr. Eugenia, Mercedes, Nancy B., Denise W, Maureen B. and Mary R., Daly, Diane F., Paula R., Gil & Danielle, and Russell & Donna. Friends are a very special part of healing along with family. When I have sad times and I need family and friends are the ones to whom I turn. My most important acknowledgement is my spirituality. Without it, how could I have followed the paths set before me, bringing me closer to home? My Life has been filled with many wrong turns. Along with wrong turns I have made many bad choices. Yet through the tedious trials of life I have learned much. My heart and my soul have been filled with an intense love ever so humble. I still struggle at times but all I need do is to reach out to my Savoir and he will put me on the right path again. I never want to sway from my path that I have been given from my Heavenly Savoir. I must always challenge my choices and decisions with questions of the Holy Father. I must answer true. While I end my story with a Thank-You for all the many people who have

helped from my times as a child through adolescence and into my adult years. I have not nearly acknowledged everyone that has been an important part of my life. If I have forgotten any names who shared in my life I apologize regretfully.

Introduction

With my last book: “My Special Place, Today”, I ended with my having been itted into Caritas Norwood Hospitals psyche unit in Norwood, Ma. I left off with having been there three weeks having a series of ECT Treatments three days a week. Since being itted to Caritas Norwood there has been a significant change in my condition due to the ECT Treatments. One thing I did accomplish was to finish reading, “A Thousand Splendid Suns” by Khaled Hosseini, also author of “The Kite Runner. Both books were expertly written. Each book showed the atrocities of war on the average family. I found them both very heart rending, many tears were shed. I tend to get very emotional with movies and books that show human emotions such as “The Kite Runner.” I see real people and how they deal with life. Stephen has said that he will be here on Friday and Monday. Monday is Martin Luther King Day and Stephen has the day off from work. I so much want to see him but then I feel the burden I place upon him. Maybe he has errands or chores he wants to do. By visiting me I am not helping him. I feel selfish thinking of myself when I should think of my husband and our children. I want to attend all the groups today and tomorrow. I haven’t made all the groups yet. I was woken up by a mental health worker early this morning because of a dream I was having. He had to call out my name and tap me on my shoulder. I was angry in my dream. I was yelling out in my sleep. I don’t know if I was being understood in my dreams. At home I have lots of dreams where I start yelling out in my sleep and Stephen has to shake me awake. I guess this is what happened last night but I was not home with Stephen. These dreams are often part of my fears in dealing with my life. I wake yelling out but after a short time I will fall back to sleep usually forgetting my dream. Yesterday I had another ECT. My neck and shoulders are so achy this morning. I don’t ever being so achy after an ECT treatment. I’m going to ask for more Tylenol again. It didn’t help last night. I didn’t really sleep well last night.

It’s about 6:30am right now and they don’t open the showers, laundry room, or phones until 7:30am. So I have to wait a little while. I guess I don’t mind waiting not like other patients who become uncontrollable if they have to wait even for a second. Usually patience is something that I have a hard time dealing with. I want things to happen making me better. I don’t want to wait because it only brings frustration and my anxiety goes crazy in my mind and also physically. As always my legs are jumping and I can’t stop biting my nails and cuticles until they’re so sore they begin to bleed. I do this unconsciously aware until I feel the pain. I don’t know how I can stop? Coming up on my third week my psychiatrist Dr. Alesker thought that I may be able to get discharged. With the discharge I would continue my ECT Treatments on an outpatient basis every Friday. With time my treatments would go from weekly into bi-weekly as I start to become better able to handle myself. Eventually I would work up to every three weeks and finally a permanent regimen of once a month. Some days seem to be off to a good start. I shower, receive my meds, have breakfast and call Stephen at work. It looks cold outside. They said there is a lot of black ice. I hate driving with black ice. I told Stephen that I would check in with him again around noontime, that’s if the phone is not being used. I will try to make groups today. As I was just walking to opening meeting I met my psychiatrist and she stopped to tell me that everything should be set for outpatient ECT Treatments. She said that she read some of my poems and thought that they were beautiful. I thanked her. At opening groups the patients try to talk about issues that are hindering their abilities and about how having certain abilities might help them feel better about themselves. I almost always say that I want to do some journaling of which I have been lax in lately. At the opening group the group leader will ask for volunteers to help clean the tables, straighten out the chairs and throw away the trash. I tried to volunteer along with another patient to clean-up the dining room after meals or other odd jobs to help me keep busy. Sometimes I follow through with these odd jobs and sometimes I just don’t have the motivation. I had a big breakfast this morning so I will try to stay away from snacks that I

don’t need. Every time that I become depressed and anxious I tend to eat more than I should. I think it is mainly to do with stress and anxiety. This time I am going to try and control my urges to eat too much. Tomorrow I am scheduled with another ECT. I hope I’m not all achy again after it’s done. Since taking diazepam and a couple of Tylenol after the ECT I felt less achy. I just tried to call my therapist Debbie but she wasn’t in work today. She won’t be back until Monday, which is a holiday but I guess she has to work. I also called Stephen again, but its Thursday. He will be in his meetings with the Oregon plant all afternoon again. Stephen always dreads his Thursdays. He feels that the meetings keep him from accomplishing important work he could get done. Dreams why do I always have to dream? Last night I dreamt that I was hanging on a cliff and I kept trying to call for help. The words wouldn’t come out. I hate my dreams, they’ve never gone away. My dreams always comeback when I least expect them to. I will call Stephen tonight. I will tell him to bring me a journal and another book to read the one we purchased at Borders before I was itted to Caritas Norwood. I am an avid reader as I have always been, and I hate this journal from the hospital. It is nothing but a composition book like the kind we were given in school. The outside cover is like black and white marble. They are not hardcover which makes it difficult to hold up when printing lying down. Every time I write in this journal the pages bend and fold so my writing is not always neat. I like a nice firm hard cover journal with lined pages. I also don’t care for spirals because they seem to fall apart easily. I will call Aimee again tomorrow, about the same time as today. I know she’ll be working but she might get a lunch break. After dinner tonight I will call my sister, Carol. She should be home from work, and I want to call Stephen before he falls asleep. I’ve been sleeping all day. When Stephen came to visit he brought me the book I wanted. The one I just finished, I am going to send Aimee. Aimee enjoys reading as I do. I guess she takes after me in that regards. I am trying to get back into my journaling. Stephen asks me how I am doing. I tell him okay. I don’t want to lie and say I am doing great. I tell him that I am managing. I seem to have the ability to keep myself stable for the moment.

I have been having ECT’s on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. I am actually starting to feel less depressed. I have mentioned it to Dr. Alesker when I checked in with her. It looks as though I may be getting discharged on Friday after this next regimen of ECT Treatments. I am looking forward to it. Dr. Alesker told me that I would be coming in on Friday mornings to have my outpatient ECT’s. I cannot eat or drink anything after midnight. I am allowed to take my blood pressure and my acid reflex medication in the morning with just a sip of water. The rest of my medication I can take after the ECT. I am also not allowed to drive the day of the ECT and I am supposed to rest afterwards because I will most likely be sleepy from the anesthesia. After being discharged from Caritas Norwood Hospital I will go home to many responsibilities I need to handle. Just knowing the workload I face makes my anxiety explode within me. I feel as though I will be climbing Mt. Everest and not succeeding very well. I feel myself a loser. I cannot get mad at Stephen. He had everything he could to do with me being in the hospital. I will have to start slowly with getting the house back in order. I wouldn’t get anywhere if I let my anxiety win the fight to top Mt. Everest. And so my days will be busy while I try to organize the house again.

Prologue

From reading my story beginning as a young child my naivety would take me into a world I did not understand. You would find me meeting people with all different traits and personalities. From these people I needed to learn survival skills. Being so naïve, I could not recognize the difference between what was good and what was bad. I was unsure on how to deal with these internal traits. I tried to learn by watching how others dealt with life, thinking that maybe I could follow their characteristics, and their reactions for pursuing certain obstacles from getting in the way. My depression started to become a big part of my life the older I grew. As my depression heightened I was not aware of the changes actually happening to me. I always seemed to feel sad, unloved, and unwanted. I tried to act out in ways I thought were emotionally good. My mother being a very religious person, as I have shown in my earlier books would constantly threaten God’s wrath upon us kids. I always wanted to do what I considered the right thing. Through my days of innocence I didn’t quite understand the many things that would happen to me. Finally I drew myself to the conclusion that I was not a good person. I told myself that this was why I would get into trouble. I wanted to please people but I could not perfect my capabilities. I was always judging myself. The more I judged myself the more I came to hate myself. The fear of punishment lurked about my mind. It was like hiding behind a tree. As long as I wasn’t found I couldn’t be punished, but it never worked, I would always be found. “There’s the little monster. What are you doing there? Are you looking for trouble? Well you’ve found it. Get out from there and get your chores done,” my mother would sneer at me. My head always hung low. I would pray to God to please help me be good. I would tell him that I didn’t want to be bad. I wanted to do what was right. At times I would look at my mother without her noticing my glances. When it came to my brothers, sisters, and me she would have a glare about her eyes. She did not like to smile. Yet I did notice when the neighbors stopped over for coffee and a chat, my mother would seem to change.

All of a sudden she would talk and even laugh. I thought, what’s wrong with us kids? What are we doing wrong? It just didn’t make sense to me. Even today I have episodes where I think about my mother and her actions past and present. I recently was itted to a psyche unit at a hospital. I know what depression is now but I am not able to control it like I wish to do. And so my saga continues. My first book called; “My Special Place,” talks about my childhood into adolescence. My second book; “My Special Place Today,” takes you through my years as an adult. Through my stories I have tried to be candid with the reader, showing you my ups and downs. With this my new book, I have taken a new approach to my life. I have tried to bring myself into following a new path where I am growing in spirituality. I am finding this new idea of a spiritual co-existence with God strengthening my soul. I am finding myself more and more capable of making conversation with strangers, and people like myself, where once my tongue was unable to utter a single word, to express, and to share my ideas. It is still a difficult task but I am trying harder. My leg still shakes, sometimes I stutter and I find it difficult to look at people as I talk. The important thing is that I am trying. Through my stories my only wish is to reach out and help others whose lives may mirror my own. There are multitudes of people who are suffering and struggling to bring consistency to their lives. Mental Illness wreaks havoc with the human mind. I want to reveal to those suffering that there is hope and there is help through our eternal Father.

Chapter One

HERE I AM TODAY PREPARING myself ready for discharge. I will be sad leaving the one roommate with whom I really seemed to make friends. When we met, Diane was so full of life. Her effervescence just shined through her sparkling eyes and glowing face. She always had a smile. I want to emphasize in my new book the fact that all people create special places that help them deal with life’s turmoil’s. Special places can be full of so many moments during our life helping us deal with overwhelming emotions. My friend is Diane F. and she is of Mormon belief. I find her spirituality very astounding. It just shines through her like the sun on the ocean, a very special view. She sang me a song one morning that she had written to a son she had lost through a car accident. It was beautiful. It brought tears to my eyes. I don’t think I could ever bear her courage with the loss of a child. Before I left we exchanged phone numbers and addresses. I so wanted to keep in touch with Diane F., a new friend. I felt compelled by God to give her a copy of my new book, “My Special Place”, but I have not had them printed out yet. I will need to get her address so I can send her a copy. I was able to give her copies of my poetry books, by having Stephen bring them in to me. The Eucharistic Minister came the other day but he refused to give the host to non-Catholics. Personally I don’t think that is right. If you are a Christian who believes in Jesus you should be able to receive the Body of Christ. I cannot agree with this arrogance and it is arrogance. Was Christ arrogant, no he taught us humility? Think back on those he helped during his life. They were sinners and yet he showed love. How can we act differently? We must be humble and show love to all who are even a small part of our life. We cannot turn people away for Christ did not turn people away. May I always show by the example of Jesus’

humility and love to everyone I meet. May God guide me on all my paths through this the life he has granted me. Also may I always thank him for the opportunities to share the life he has given me with others? There are so many emotions that can draw us down. We search our mind and our heart for a special place that will bring us a calming peace. I look at special places as a banquet table set up with so many things to choose from. One special place may be music. Music of our generation, emanating a gentle soft melody using words to greet our heart. When feeling lost and empty, think about your love of music. Another special place can be in the written word. Poetry can fill you with words that come together in a sequence of meaning reaching out to all who understand. Here your mind gathers together emotions and feelings bringing purpose to your doubts, another special place to give you comfort and solitude. Another special place of mine that has always been with me through many stages in my life has been Art. As a child I always wanted to be an artist but circumstances did not make my wish possible. Even still I have always continued trying to adapt to my love of art. When I am creating a sketch and later painting that sketch, I feel that I have made an accomplishment. I love painting flowers of all kinds. For me flowers have an inner beauty that can only be expressed through brush strokes. It lifts my spirit. I know that I will never be Renoir, but I am happy because giving my pictures to some needy person fills me with a special kindness that I shared with them. Special places have always reached out to me in the reading of books also. My imagination soars through so many types of books I enjoy. With reading I am able to place myself in the story. I feel what the character feels. I understand what they want to say. A story can be uplifting. A story can be sad. Yet with the sad you feel the characters emotions and know there can always be hope. Stories wake up the mind. They help us discern the plot. Special places can also be the sense of smell. The aromatic fragrance of flowers, the forests, and the oceans are just a small sample for our sense of smell. There is so much that our senses reap, and helps lift our spirit along with our senses. Special places can be the essence of touch. So much in our world has that tactile sense of touch. The petals of flowers, the feel of the soft wind on your face,

different cloths give off different feelings. The sensation of the tactile sense can go on forever. A final special place can be through Christ our Lord. He is the substance of our life. He is always ready to help us, to teach us, to guide us through what life has to offer.

Chapter Two

WITH THIS MY FINAL SEQUEL, I want to reach out towards individuals who suffer with mental illness. Through all my books I have tried to make mention of the many people that have had poignant impacts upon my life. The lives of these people, whose paths crossed with mine, helped me see life in a variety of ways. I have been in with many people from mental health workers, psychiatrist, psychologist, therapists, nurses, mental health aides, and friends and then the people who deal daily with their own mental health issues. From them I have learned much. I have learned new ways to communicate. I never trusted myself in issues of communication. I have learned that what I am shown and what I see is not always good for me. I become filled with mistrust. I see failure but I also see hard work. One of the best ways for me to communicate is through the written word. Over many years of hard work I have come close to a point in my life which almost feels like freedom. I feel a freedom from all the traumas and tragedies that have driven my mental illness. I cannot say that I am totally and completely free from my disease. I believe that I will never be totally free from all my ghosts. There have been many times during which I have slipped and fallen from my current maladies of the mind. Ever since I was a young child I always tried to do what was right so I could make God happy and hopefully my mother also. My childhood influenced the person I have become today. My spirituality has always given me a hopefulness that I never want to lose. Yes I did many things in life of which I feel great sorrow. There were times where I sank below my humanity. I drank myself to oblivion on many occasions. I lost my faith for a time. I hated the person I saw myself becoming. I wanted to be free of the pain I felt. I was no longer a good parent and wife for my family. They deserved better than me. For this reason I justified the fact that I would commit suicide. My mind was unrealistic. I could not reason with my thoughts. I was desperate. But God was with me, I did not know it then and I did not realize it until many years later. Years with AA, years in therapy, years with special medications, years with shock treatments and years

with talking to Jesus, has helped me to change little bits of myself with time. Things finally started working for me. In ing AA, I was able to call myself an alcoholic and I haven’t had a drink for many years now. I don’t even have any desire for a drink. After my attempted suicide I was given a psychiatrist and a social worker for my therapist. I was also given medication to help my condition. The hardest thing for me to do was to communicate and this is still very difficult today. It was difficult for me to describe my inner self, how I saw myself and why I didn’t like myself. I was in and out of hospitals for my mental illness. Medications would change until a combination was found that would work. I even went through a couple of therapists, and psychiatrists. When I first started visiting my therapist I would always sit and hang my head staring at my feet. I couldn’t look at anyone. My leg would constantly shake from stress and anxiety. During my early sessions I was asked all sorts of questions. My answers most often became yes, no or I don’t know. It was just too hard for me to talk animatedly about myself. There were many times when I felt very confused and disturbed about my inner self. During these times I would be in and out of hospitals, crises centers and outpatient treatment programs. The doctors would try shock treatments off and on over the years. Eventually with time I finally found myself with the same therapist and psychiatrist I started to find myself able to start talking. It was never easy to talk about myself, my thoughts and my feelings. Medications would work for awhile but then I could feel my emotions slipping back into depression and anxiety again. I lived with constant nightmares causing my sleep to become erratic. My motivation wasn’t plausible. Suicidal ideations would start playing around in my mind. Next the doctors reverted back to shock treatments again. The treatments would work for a time. As I would start to feel better they would stop the shock treatments. I also tried day treatment programs where I would work with people like myself. Going to these day treatment programs were some of the hardest moments in my life. Again open communication was the hardest thing for me to express. Facing people and talking was nearly impossible for me to do, especially on a daily level. I find that as a wife and a parent, I am always worried about my family. I would try so hard to be a good parent. There were so many times that I felt like a failure. In my role as a mother I had certain protocols I needed to follow. Guilt

rages inside me and I get the impression that my family is not learning from me. I appear a weak person who cannot even care for herself. The years have taught me many things. My life wasn’t a life full of fun and imagination. I was forced into struggles on many issues which turned me into a depressed, anxious and introverted individual. And now I will lead you on my journeys through life where the spiritual side of me has been able to blossom as the white lilies in my garden.

Chapter Three

SINCE BEING AT CARITAS NORWOOD I would always look forward to seeing Stephen on the weekends. He would usually arrive in the afternoon. I talk to him about what’s happening with me. Stephen always tries to understand my feelings. He’ll say, “I’m glad that you are at a safe place.” I would say, “Yah.” Usually we would talk a little and sometimes we would play a game of scrabble. Stephen would bring me a Dunkin Donuts coffee. A French Vanilla with cream but no sugar, my favorite. I always feel better having Stephen with me. Yet I know how trying my being hospitalized is for him. He has a job he is committed to and then he goes home to our children to help them and help them understand the reason for my hospitalization. Then he comes to visit me. How hard I have made his life. I see the weariness in his eyes when he looks at me. He tries to be buoyant with his love for me. I look at him and know he is tired of coming to see me every night. It is wearing him down. Seeing him like this hurts me and fills me with guilt, a guilt I cannot take back. How can I do this to the ones I love most. Who am I to bring this raw pain into their hearts and minds? I am crazy. I do not feel able to do what needs to be done for my family. I want them to know the depth of the love I feel for them. Oh how I have hurt them. They are probably afraid to let their friends know about me and yet their friends are most likely aware of my detriments. My children are most likely embarrassed of their mother. How can I be so cruel to those I love so much? Each time I enter a hospital for my mental health I am burdening my husband and children who find it hard to accept. Will this ever end? When he leaves for home I go back to my room and start to write in my journal. When hospitalized I try to write in my journal daily, like I normally do, when I am at home. I will talk with Stephen on a daily basis. Thursdays are his busiest days at work. Stephen has to attend a customer meeting about a new design he is working on for a company in Oregon. He is deg a miniature connector for a headset like those that are used on headsets worn by airplane pilots but these headsets are much smaller in design. It seems today that the customer was upset because the part is being made in China. On the samples, the China facility did not crimp the miniature wire correctly so it pulled free and did not make a connection. If it

were being made over here Stephen would be able to follow its development to make sure it is made to the company specs. Stephen gets upset because the meetings tend to last all afternoon. This has become a ritual on Thursdays. Stephen does not look forward to these Thursday meetings. Every time Thursday comes around Stephen will say, “We’re going to get a spanking today.” He feels that the company in Oregon is looking to find fault with his designs. Stephen is doing what he can by getting the Chinese operation to follow the specs for the miniature headset. I often wonder how he can remain attuned to his job while he has me adding to his frustration and also dealing with the children. So much he is dealt with daily and yet he keeps going. What if things were reversed? Could I have the strong constitution he has shown over the years? No, I know that I would collapse under the strain. I do not have my husband’s fortitude and strength. I must thank God daily for this wonderful person I call my husband. May I never forget, this precious gift handed down to me from God our Savoir? I take PRN’s to help me stop biting my nails to the point of making them bleed. I also take them to help me stop my leg from shaking erratically. I’m trying not to think of suicide. I just don’t want to be a burden to anyone. I don’t want to be helpless and hopeless. I always ask God to give me strength in my heart and mind. When Stephen visits he will do most of the talking. I enjoy his visits. He comes and will always give me a big hug and a smile. He leaves and I feel slightly down with his going but I manage to keep myself upbeat, at least for a little while. I ask myself, am I ready to go home yet? When I go home will I be happy and effervescent? This is what I want people to see especially my husband and children. I pray but do I pray enough? Is my prayer earnest and pure? How do I act this way, without the hidden unhealthy thoughts swirling about my mind? I can see that I am not ready to be released to go home yet. I need to work on my depression and I need to work hard, as hard as I am able. Stephen has told me on numerous occasions that people will see me with him and when he is not with me they’ll say, “Deanne seems fine to me. I don’t see anything wrong.” It upsets me because many times I am fighting this battle of depression and anxiety. I don’t want people to see me when I am down. These people may ask questions of me and I try very hard to give an answer they want to hear. For instance I may be asked, “Hey Deanne, nice seeing you. How’s everything going?” I say, “Okay, how are you?” I don’t want to say terrible even though I may be feeling terrible. Many times when I am feeling really down I try

to avoid people and just stay home. These people don’t see depression for what it truly is a disease that eats at a person’s thoughts and emotions. Depression leaves you with no self esteem. I try to live with my depression knowing when it’s going to strike. I can feel it inside me like a pot of water simmering on the stove ready to begin boiling. Once it starts boiling the only way you can stop it is by taking it off the burner and letting it slowly go back to a simmer. So when my emotions start boiling out of control I need assistance by someone who understands my weaknesses and my frailties’. They know me enough so they can work with me by talking to me as to what’s going on inside. There are many instances in which I have no control over myself. Through observation my medical team can understand what needs to be done to get me back in control. With each day that es I try to talk with our Savoir. I try to thank him for the many things I’ve been given in life. I know that I have much to be thankful for and I must always recognize my gifts from God. I earnestly pray for all whose have life is not virtuous and happy.

Chapter Four

I AM IN A BAD spot today. I have been having many nightmares. I have nightmares where I am agonizing over suicidal feelings, and thoughts of my mother. My dreams have become less frequent with the ECT’s. Today especially my depression seems very low. Last nights dream has really pushed away any good feelings I was starting to enjoy. How can I be released now? The fact I am feeling so low is good reason for Dr. Alesker to keep me as an impatient longer. I want to be strong for my Holy Father in heaven. I want to hear his beckoning me to follow his ways. With this ability set in my heart, I feel that I will be as one of his children once more. As a child of God many things are asked of us as we grow in wisdom and love. It is this combination of wisdom and love that will help us overcome the evils of our world. These evils will be replaced with a people of strong devotion and courage, a people not afraid to do as our Holy Father asks. With these thoughts said, I must go back to my first thoughts of depression in my heart. I do not want to feel this overbearing hurt tear me apart emotionally and spiritually. As I sit in my room thinking about last nights nightmare I find myself thinking that it was just a dream. Dreams are not real. I can look past the nightmare and feel that these past few weeks with ECT Treatments have been helping me to see things in reality. I can get through this moment. I must picture Our Lord by my side helping me to see his protection. He will guide me when I do get released from here, just as he has guided me each day I have been here as a patient. Yes I know my family loves me unconditionally. How can I not do the same for my family? How can I in good conscious say good-bye. By the act of committing suicide I am running away from the truth in which I do not want to face. God was with me at this moment in my life? He was holding my hand and guiding me to a place where I could seek reconciliation for my thoughts and actions. I would enter a place where I knew that God would care for me. I would be in a place where I could come to with my thoughts. I needed to look back at my life. I needed to see all those moments of sadness in my life. I saw myself as someone filled with a hatred of self, someone who could not be understood by my family. How could my actions of self destruction prove to my

family that my love for them would keep them from suffering? My Lord clenched my fist and together we walked through a gate that led me to a place of purpose, a place where I would not give up, a place where good people would take care of me. My family, my children, my husband are the most precious ones in my life. The hurt I would cause them in leaving this world just wasn’t fair to them. They would look at my self-destruction filled with guilt thinking that in some way they didn’t love me enough. I would be making them feel as my mother made me feel so many years ago. I could not look at myself in a mirror to justify what I wanted to bring about. I was not thinking as a mother and a wife. I was thinking still in that childish mode of which I see now that I was never able to see past this part of my life. I need to become a mature adult who sees past my childhood years. I need to revisit those years with a new knowledge of understanding. I want to understand all the hurts I was made to deal with as that scared little girl who only wanted to be loved. As an adult today I am learning to understand that my mother may have been mentally depressed, not understanding why she behaved the way she did. During those years there was not a great understanding of mental illness. Today I have been shown that my mother was unsure of her harsh onishments. Maybe her life as a child was no better than mine. Would I ever know the truth? Can I look back and try to understand the harsh realities of life back then. Maybe my mother thought in her own mind that she was doing the right thing for her children. We were afraid of her so we never told her our fears, for fear of punishment. Our naivety wasn’t able to know the reasons for so much anger and hate. We felt as though our mother was being manipulated by demons and so the justification for our emotional sadness. I want so much to love my mother. Now she is quite elderly and her life is one of loneliness and sorrow. She cannot understand why we her children find it so difficult to show her love and forgiveness. I am trying to look beyond the past. I want to know how our mother felt trying to raise five children. How did she teach us to realize the love and fear of our God? We were always onished with the fear and retaliation of God for our sins. We grew up thinking that we could not do good. We conceived God as vengeful and so we grew never really understanding that God forgives and loves if we ask forgiveness with sincerity. I see that today. Today we see God differently. We see and understand how he tries to teach us about love and forgiveness. Yes, forgiveness, this is something I still need to come to with about my past. I still have guilt ingrained in my heart thinking myself evil for

things I let happen to me. Yes I need to arise from my hurtful past. Now I ask when? On my journey I seek out many feelings and emotions whether they come from my heart, my soul, or my mind. I find myself wanting to talk to Jesus, the Savoir of us all. I have always sought out perfection throughout my life. Now I realize that perfection can never be found. Only Jesus, Our Lord and Father is the supreme being of perfection. We strive for closeness to Our Lord. We want to hear him as he whispers to our soul, and we know it is Jesus, Our Lord trying to guide us through life. Oh, there are many times in life that we fail in our duty to Jesus. It’s like climbing a mountain trying to reach its summit so we can view God’s majesty all around us. The beauty, the splendor and the wondrousness of life surrounds us in ecstasy. We struggle up that mountain. We start to tire and we even fall and finally many give up like others who’ve failed. But not all fail; there are those who are filled with a burning desire to show Jesus that we have the stamina and the fortitude to not give up. The mountain could be a test of faith. Many who fail are not likely to say quits forever. Yes, we as part of the human race are different through the many idiosyncrasies we have. We all react to things in different ways. This is part of our uniqueness. We are as one in spirit, not one of us the same.

Chapter Five

WHENEVER I BECOME ITTED TO a psyche ward I become scared because many of the patients are swearing at each other or swearing and yelling on the telephone. I try to stay by myself and not get involved in any disruptive behavior. I know each person itted has their own type of problems. I am usually very submissive and do not like to cause any bad feelings towards anyone. I have tried ignoring people’s faces but I can feel them staring at me. Maybe they think because of my ignoring them I think I am better than them and I don’t like them. It’s not that at all. I am just very scared surrounded by people I do not know. This stems back to my childhood. This is a reaction I have endured my entire life. Being in a psyche ward I am always waiting to check in with my psychiatrist on a daily basis. I also need to see a physician for an okay to receive ECT’s (Electro-Convulsive Therapy). I try to call a friend during my stays. If I do not reach her during the day I try to call her at night. I always try to my daughter Aimee because I worry about her always, even when I am at my lowest. I do not want to see her become as me. I worry that my ways will become her ways. I feel at times that life is always a continuous cycle of hurt and sorrow. Have I shown my daughter the love I never knew? In a way I have spoiled her with my constant giving to her so she sees me not as I saw my mother. In this way I have tried to bring her happiness and a heartfelt love. But has my constant giving shown her true love or have I made her to be always expecting help whenever she needs it. Have I shown her how to become an independent adult or a dependent adult? When in my room I usually get interrupted by a therapist about the different groups they have for me to attend. They show me the board with the schedule listed on it along with the room number and the time it starts. After I am at the hospital a couple of days I try to make one or two groups. Only a few at first but eventually I start to attend all the groups. I know that if I do not attend groups the hospital would keep me longer. I need to meet their requirements which will help me go home sooner. While hospitalized I often wonder what my family must think of me their mother. Am I some crazy person who doesn’t think properly, who doesn’t act as a normal understanding adult? These thoughts fill

my mind. I feel belittled by thinking this way. Well today is Friday and I am due for another ECT. I am feeling better about my nightmares. I must look at them for what they are, part of my subconscious. They are not real. Dr. Alesker said I can be released tomorrow. After being released I will start out patient ECT’s every Friday and things will go from there. The frequency will change as I feel myself getting better and feeling less depressed. Since the discovery of my mental illness I have been in and out of several hospitals. Some I may have been in more than once. Because of my many ECT’s over the years I do not a lot of things that have happened to me. There have been times after my releases in which I feel myself drowning in my own sadness. My husband will get very flustered with me. This is when I do not like myself. I feel totally burdensome to my husband and my kids. They don’t deserve to live with my mental insecurity. My husband always tells me that when I am itted to a psyche unit I will tell my psychiatrist that I’m afraid to show anger. My husband tells me that I do show anger at times. I do not deny that I get angry. I do get angry and I hate myself when I get angry. I feel as though I am becoming my mother, the one person I never want to emulate. I see her anger flow out from me with a rippling effect bringing back my depression. I get upset with my husband because he makes me feel that I am not being truthful about getting and showing anger. Showing anger has always been one of my downfalls. It scares me to know that I can act as my mother once did. I would love to rectify the anger inside me. I try so hard to fight this inner battle. After I have let my anger rule me I close up inside myself. I become like a shell that can’t be opened. Inside my soul I am hurting. I am repeatedly asking myself, “Why do I get this way?” There are times such as this when I start becoming suicidal. I can’t stand myself. I cannot bear the pain which I submit upon my family. I don’t love any less but I cannot accept my actions. I cannot control my emotions at times. Am I reliving the things I witnessed as a child? My mother’s brutality, is it somehow buried inside me always waiting to surface?

Chapter Six

I JUST HAD TO GET myself a PRN for anxiety. I am biting my nails until they bleed and become sore, my legs will not stop shaking and I am trying not to think of suicide. Being home I pray that the PRN’s will take effect and help me to feel safe. I still bite my nails and cuticles. My leg still shakes. The doctor calls my nail biting and my leg shaking a nervous tick. I guess lots of people have nervous ticks, not necessarily the same as mine. If I did find a way to hurt myself I hope I would let my therapist know. I just don’t want to be a burden to anyone. I don’t want to be helpless or hopeless. I need Gods strength in my heart. I thank him. After my experiences with depression this poem has opened up in the scattered bits of what I feel; A Speck

Have you ever felt like a speck, a nothing? It’s like being an annoyance, a nuisance You keep wanting to shoo it away, ignore it You act as though it’s really not there That’s how I feel, like I’m not here No one notices me, am I real? Feeling unreal is like a dream

I feel like nobody, like I am not here Wanting to be real, my anxiety rises My depression soars, I break down I lose control and start punching walls I try to compose myself but fail I want to feel pain to know I am real Lord please let the schism between my siblings families become closed so that we may reach out to each other with love and forgiveness. Don’t let this schism grow wider, separating us from another family member. We need closure Lord and it can only be done through your mercy and love. We were once a whole family. Let this family become whole again. Let us each see the darkness within us and reach out towards the light of Our Lord. We all have our ghosts from the past. These have hindered us from staying as a family unit. A family should be devoted to each other. As a family let us be there to listen when times are hard, help us to bear the many burdens in life. To listen, showing sympathy and understanding will bring us together. We shared many trying, frightening times through our years of growing up. During those turmoil’s we shared, we were sometimes separated because of fear. At times each of us tried to help one another. Sometimes we failed in our efforts and sometimes we succeeded. Yet we were always vulnerable to the misdeeds of our family. Our family showed a growing complacency to not even try for fear of failure. Today the schism between us has grown so wide it’s as if we are separated by the gorges of the Grande Canyon. How can we ever come together in love with a tenderness of acknowledgement for each other? Will we one day lose the hate that has encomed our hearts? We are brothers and sisters. Where is that kinship we once shared? Let us come to our savoir in prayer. Let us pray for the enlightenment of a love we should share as a family once lost and now found. I wake up a couple of times a night. My dreams, the ones I do not make sense to me. The only thing that seems to remain the same in all my dreams is either I am lost and cannot find my way or I am not able to call for help. Another is that I am being chased by creatures and monsters from which I cannot get away. There are dreams from which I scream because I am frightened

or I am trying to call for help for which I am not able. I need to be held like a child is held by a parent or loved one, to be given a safe haven to dwell. As far as my depression it likes to linger in my mind like a headache that won’t go away. It just keeps gnawing at me. My anxiety tends to go up and down. When I am around people like myself either in a day program or in a hospital I find that the patients can be very violent. The pitch of their voices along with their use of filthy language upsets me. These actions scare me severely. This makes me want to go home to my room for the day. At times I will venture out at breaks but it always seems to happen when groups either hadn’t started yet or they are all done. So I seem to be near the very people I tried to hide from. I try to inspire myself to write some poetry but I cannot feel or see the words. My mind is so stressed with the depression I am bearing. I have just had a thought for a reflection:

Expressing yourself through communication

Mental Illness is so diverse. It strikes each individual in many dissimilar ways. For this reason there are countless types of medications. When you first find out you are suffering from some form of a mental illness you may become hospitalized. Here you may be watched. This will only happen if you do not have the ability to control yourself. The psychiatrist, therapist, mental health workers, together, follow your lows and highs watching for what may be causing your symptoms. Another option other than hospitalization could be an appointment with a therapist who may give you the name of a doctor who can deal with your medications to help certain symptoms. Dosages may be lowered or increased depending on your reaction. You can help your mental health team through your communication. Communication is something individuals like myself find difficult. You need to talk about and express exactly how you feel. Also you must try to express how your internal thoughts affect you. In the beginning this can be a very difficult process, and is by no means the perfect cure. Things change, environments change, people change. The biggest thing for the patient is to seek out help. Let someone close know you are suffering. It could be something you’ve kept hidden for years, making you the

person you have become. You will find that as a person who suffers from mental illness the best thing you can do for yourself is to communicate. You must stop hiding yourself from people. Let yourself open up to all that is inside hurting you. Release your pent up emotions that keep you adrift in a vacuum of nothingness.

Chapter Seven

SLEEPING HAS LONG BEEN A tedious task for me as during the evening hours I find myself waking up all through the night. It could be anxiety over an ECT Treatment of which I have had many over the years at many different hospitals. Nightmares have long been something I have always had to live with even as a child. I don’t know why I have so much trouble sleeping throughout my life. I now have a medication that helps me sleep better but I am still susceptible to the nightmares. When I have been hospitalized over the years for depression and feeling suicidal I have been treated with ECT’s. After having a series of ECT Treatments I always seem to feel uplifted in time. At times coming back from my ECT, may leave me with a bad headache or I may feel very sleepy from the anesthesia. Sometimes I may notice that I’m a little off balance. Resting after the treatment helps me a great deal. When I am hospitalized and having ECT’s my roommates do not always stay with me in the hospital for the same period of time as I might stay. I don’t think that I have ever had a roommate who also receives ECT’s. Some may transfer to a state hospital, some may get released to their home or some may be sent to a group home. Sometimes depending on the length of my stay, I may become friendly with a roommate. This does not always happen to me. I usually don’t speak until spoken too. I still have that innate fear within me of revealing too much about myself. When I do get released from the hospital I usually do not keep in touch with my roommates, even though we sometimes exchange addresses. There have been roommates that act very nervous, and some who cannot stop talking. Others may act very angry towards everyone they come in with. These types of patients scare me. Last night the idea of a snake shedding his skin leaving a new shiny skin rushed to my mind. I thought wouldn’t it be nice if those who have depression could shed their skin like the skin of a snake, with a new body and mind. Maybe it sounds pretty dumb, but I

cannot hide my thoughts, or my wishes. My nightmare last night was about anxiety and anger. My mind said, “When I have an argument, I get angry and I have to walk away. I think about the argument and what I said and when I am calmed down I come back and I am able to discuss my anger through my thoughts. The worst thing I can do is show anger, by screaming and yelling. When I show anger, I am not in control of my thoughts. An example would be if you are in court and the judge sees you this way, he’s not going to listen to you because you’re not in control of yourself. You have to think and remain calm when getting your thoughts across.” I have told myself that I was going to do some journaling and try to make myself busy today. I watched the weather this morning. I guess there’s a really big cold front in the eastern states as far south as Georgia. There will be minus numbers in Northern New England. They say that if you don’t have to go out to stay indoors. I talked to Stephen this morning. He thinks I should try and call Aimee. I miss her so much. She is back in Pensacola while Sean is still stationed there in the Marines. I know Aimee is finding it difficult to make friends. I when I was in the Army and how hard it was for me to make friends. I shouldn’t really be dwelling on my past. But I do that I hated the Army. I did boot camp at Fort Jackson, No. Carolina. It was February 1975 when I graduated from boot camp. In my Army Yearbook, I was the only person without a smile. I ed the Army because I needed to do something with my life. I went to Tacoma with friends as you’ve read in my earlier books. They were not what I expected for friends. It was the hippie generation and drugs were being used everywhere. I had tried smoking pot but I learned that drugs were not for me. When I start thinking about my past and the many choices I made that were not good, depression starts creeping back into my mind, because I see the evil side of myself. I hate the person whom I have turned out to be. So many times I look in a mirror and I see my mother’s face. She is the one person I never wanted to be like and yet I am somehow becoming that person. Will I ever be able to turn things around in my life? All I am able to do at times is pray. I pray for myself. I pray for my family. I pray for my friends. Someday I know that my prayers will be answered. My answers will not come when I want them to come. God’s time is when he knows that my life is ready to accept change and that I am ready to reconcile my differences with those I have hurt in my life. So often I look back on my life and try to ask myself if there were things I could have done differently. I cannot believe that everything I encountered along my journeys

through life were not one way. There are always choices. Do we always pick out the best choices? Being completely honest with myself I have to say that there are probably more times I make the wrong choice and not the right choice. At the time we make our choices we are as a horse wearing blinders, we only see one way. Later after the choice has been made we see the consequences of the choice, and we are not always happy with the outcome. Many times we are made to live with the choices, good or bad. Yes, sometimes we may bring hurt and sadness upon those whom our choice effects. Once made, we cannot change our choice, so we must choose carefully on our decisions through life’s journeys.

Chapter Eight

A NEW CHAPTER AND LIFE goes on. Stephen said that he visited Gil last night and he’s not doing very well. I said a prayer for him this morning. I will hate to see him leave this life. He’s a very kind, generous, and gentle person. I know that when he does leave, he will go directly to heaven. I pray that he doesn’t have to suffer long when his time comes. I know that Danielle and his kids will miss him terribly. I ask Jesus to give Gil’s family the strength they will need to overcome his loss when his time does come. I have been doing a lot of thinking again today. I have been asking myself what makes me sad? There are things that I do which may hurt others especially my own family. I have Aimee, twenty-three living in Florida, anxious, homesick, and scared. Her husband Sean, a young Marine sent to Pensacola Florida for training on a C130 cargo plane. They moved down to Florida together once he graduated from boot camp. Aimee found herself a job and is trying to get herself adjusted to a whole new lifestyle in Florida. She only gets to see Sean on weekends. He just found out that he will be going to North Carolina for four more months to finish his schooling. Aimee will remain in Florida because they can’t afford to keep moving every time the Marines tell Sean he is being transferred. So Sean will be away at school. He won’t be home until May. Also he recently found out that he will probably be shipped out to San Diego for his duty station. Aimee is trying to adjust herself to this fact, thinking of what she will need to do to move to San Diego, CA. When I talk to her she is somewhat scared and wishes that he would get transferred back to New England somewhere, being closer to home. The problem with Sean getting transferred to New England is that there are no Marine Bases in New England. I think the closest base is in New York State, but I don’t think they have C130 Cargo Planes. While Sean is away in North Carolina, Aimee is getting very lonely. She has her job but she has not really made any friends since moving down south. She misses Sean extremely. In fact he was able to get a weekend leave two weeks ago. It was a good thing for the two of them to be together even if only

for four days. Sean has been in the Marines for one year now. Aimee and Sean haven’t had much time together with Sean getting sent anywhere at the drop of a hat. Aimee needs to be prepared with the fact that she will not always be allowed to go with him. I think it is just starting to sink in a little with Sean being at North Carolina. You know it’s that old story when your children become adults and get married, you as a parent will naturally worry especially when they move away so far that you won’t be able to see them very often. I pray to Jesus everyday to help them have a good marriage. I have talked to Aimee about marriage and how it is based on sharing and patience. I spoke about when things don’t always go your way there are times when you as a partner need to give a little. You shouldn’t start off your marriage picking each other apart. Listen to each other. Think of ways in which the two of you can come to an agreement. All their choices will always remain in their ball court. I wish them peace and love through good times and through bad. There are times when the written word is not coming to mind. I want so much to share myself, my emotions, my feelings with others, especially those who have felt as I have felt. Through my words I want to reach out to people even in the most miniscule of ways. Will God grant me the insurmountable power to gather people in spirit who have been estranged from others through mental illness? All I want is the ability to help. Help is a very powerful word in which things can seem magical and wondrous. Oh how I wished growing up, that things would be magical for me. How simple I was to think in such a way, that magic encomed my thoughts. But I would come to learn that magic wasn’t reality. Fact was that magic was the stuff of dreams. You could wish but wishing doesn’t make things come true. It was a hard lesson to learn. Being a hard lesson brought me back to my deep dark depression, which has remained with me throughout my life right up to present day, today. And so you see depression from all angles. Depression took hold of my life. Yet there is a minute magical part of myself that brings the written word to mind. With the written word, I am able to fathom words like an artist sees a picture. With strokes of his brush the artist’s picture becomes alive. Just so the words in my mind become alive as they are linked together in poetry. Poetry tries to blend reality with magic in a way that can inspire your thoughts with hope. With poetry I feel that my mind becomes ablaze with a spiritual unity of words, meshing together, bouncing on white fluttering clouds and flying through the forests under and over, around and around all the

trees to behold. This is the magic of words. For me depression is a state of mind dealing with life’s corrosive tragedies putting me in a mindset of being nothing, a nobody who doesn’t want to be dealt with, having no desire to live life through. Yet through communication of the written word I have been able to view my depression as something in which I can sometimes feel a ion for life, leaving my depression as a symbol of expression. For through expression we continually learn about ourselves and how to grow within our world. For my first outpatient ECT at Caritas Norwood, I was picked up by a med cab and dropped off at the Draper Lobby where I was checked in and given a hospital bracelet. The driver told me that he would wait in the lobby until it was time to leave. I thanked the driver and I then followed my directions up to the ECT suite on the 3rd floor. When the nurses let me in they asked me how I had arrived. I told the nurses that I was brought by a med cab because my husband had to work. Come to find out I would not be allowed to go home by a med cab, hospital policy you know how that can be. I needed to have a family member or a close friend bring me home. I told the nurses that my husband was the only person who would be able to pick me up. I gave them Stephens work number and extension so they could call him. I guess the reason the cab couldn’t bring me home was because of the anesthesia and the fact that I might be groggy and not very cognizant of my surroundings. So they called Stephen and explained everything to him and he was waiting for me when I came out of the anesthesia. As for the rest of my outpatient ECT Treatments Stephen would be bringing me every Friday and waiting in the lobby to take me home. At least it was only on Fridays. Also eventually it would become every other Friday. Today is Valentine’s Day. I was awakened by Stephen this morning. I forgot to place the valentines card out on the counter for Stephen last night, but he still received the card even though it was late. I didn’t sleep well again last night. Stephen had to shake me awake a couple of times because I was having nightmares again. I was up at 5:30am. I just wasn’t able to sleep. The nurses who help with the ECT’s are very nice. They’re names are Nancy

and Claire. I feel that I have some things in common with them. Today as I was waiting to receive my ECT, Claire was talking about her twenty-two year old son. She was saying how he wanted to cook a meal for his girlfriend on Valentines Day. Claire said she left the house to give him some privacy, a romantic atmosphere. She was lighthearted about his calling her on the cell phone because he was at the grocery store looking for something and asking his mom in what aisle he could find it. She said, “Ten minutes later he called again because he couldn’t find the chopped garlic and then he called a third time for something else.” While she was telling the tale I immediately thought of Michael. I mentioned to Claire, “You’re speaking about your son cooking makes me think of my youngest son who is twenty-one and he is always cooking for him and his girlfriend at least two or three days a week. He loves to cook.” I had also brought in a copy of my poetry books to give to them but they said I had already given them copies of my poetry books. I apologized saying I forgot. So when I woke up from my ECT I asked Nancy if she could give the books to the doctors that did my ECT. They thanked me for them. The psychiatrist said that his son’s girlfriend just had AuthorHouse accept a book she wrote. He found it interesting that I was published through AuthorHouse. He thanked me for the books and said he would check them out. So next Friday Stephen and I needed to be at Norwood by 6:45am. I am not to eat or drink anything after midnight. I am also not to take any depression meds at least twelve hours before my ECT. I know Stephen will have me there on time. He is also bringing his laptop with him to work on while he waits down in the lobby. Aimee is on my mind again. I wonder how she is doing with Sean still away in North Carolina to complete school. He will not be back in Pensacola until May. Aimee goes to work but at night comes home to no one except her dog Fancy. She’s been in Florida since July of last year. She still hasn’t made any real friends. I have thoughts that she’d have met some friends by now. I worry tremendously. I see too much of myself in her, instability, anxiety, and depression. She’s homesick, this I know. But being 1,500 miles away from home I have no way to help her. All I can do is be there to listen and maybe give advice. Yet advice is not always accepted with grace. I also feel that my advice may seem like badgering. I really think she married prematurely. She went into it with her heart not her mind. She had too many issues going on that needed completion and so it was

the same with Sean. Now their back and forth, up and down and all around with finances. Aimee has also made plans to come back home at the end of February. It will only be four days but work is letting her take the time off to visit her friends and family. What’s done is done. I can only pray for Sean and Aimee. Also Stephen and I need to welcome Sean into our family. We need him and Aimee to know that we love them both. Two more days and my Aimee will be home for a short visit. I am excited about seeing her. I know that Stephen is also excited with seeing Aimee. We are saddened that Sean cannot get leave from school to come home. He did get to spend this last weekend in Pensacola with Aimee. Stephen and Sean talk quite a bit. Sean seems to be feeling more emotionally attached to Stephen. I think he is beginning to feel as part of our family. With Stephen’s past emotions and memories from being in the military and Vietnam gives him things to reminisce with Sean about. The military teaches the recruits lessons such as discipline, morale, responsibility and patriotism. With these emotions you as a person can rise to new heights. We as individuals in life are taught from the day of birth to learn. With learning we gain many capabilities and we learn to reach out with love. We find ourselves, we walk a new pathway through life leading us on adventures and magical fantasies that help reach beyond the limits of our soul. But we must always keep focused on the realities of our thoughts and feelings which carry us through life. When Aimee arrives next Friday the weather is supposed to be reasonable and in the 50’s, which is a nice update because earlier in the week they were saying snow. After I am finished with my outpatient ECT treatment next Friday, Stephen will be there for me and we will head straight for Logan Airport in Boston. Aimee’s plane is supposed to arrive at 11:45am from Air Trans. I told the nurses today and they told me that once we pick up Aimee after my ECT next Friday not to stop anywhere, just go straight home and get rest because of the anesthesia. Aimee called me today all worried about the incoming snow storm we are supposed to get. Right now it doesn’t look like it will start snowing until the afternoon. I told Aimee that as long as her plane lands we will be there to pick her and Fancy up. Aimee is worried about Fancy and how she is going to

behave. I told Aimee that everything will be fine. I am also wondering how Max, our chocolate lab and Honey, our black and white tabby cat will react when they see Fancy a miniature Malkie. A Malkie is half Maltese and half Yorkshire Terrier. Because Aimee’s dog is so small we will keep a close watch to make sure things go smoothly. Aimee arrived in Boston on February 22nd. We arrived home in plenty of time with the snowstorm just starting. The afternoon was pretty dull. Aimee had made plans to go out with her friends but it was cancelled because of the storm. On Saturday, Stephen wanted to take a ride to Wareham and do some shopping. After that we were going to stop at Russell’s and Donnas’ place. Russell is Stephens best friend. Aimee decided to come with us. Aimee wanted to stop at Petco to get Fancy some doggie pads for in the house. When we stopped to see Russell he was in one of his happy moods. He takes a shine to Aimee, I think because he never had a daughter only two sons. Aimee enjoys being around Russell with his sense of humor. Russell ended up giving Aimee a wedding present. Aimee was very grateful. Russell is a character and he likes to tease people especially friends. We stayed about an hour and Aimee said good-bye. I could tell that she was glad we came. It was too bad Donna wasn’t home. I guess she had gone out shopping, so we left for home. Today is a sad day for me because Aimee will be flying home. Four days just flew by. I could tell Aimee was also saddened to be leaving. We have to be at Logan Airport by 8:30am because Aimee’s plane will be leaving for Pensacola at 9:45 am as long as we don’t get snow. Aimee is a little anxious. She does not want to be stuck at the airport because of a snowstorm. Stephen had told her that we were going to drop her off at her departure terminal. This way she wouldn’t have far to walk and we wouldn’t have to park the car or pay for the parking. We were doing this because Stephen would be going to work after we dropped her off. Things went smoothly. Aimee is at the airport and we are headed for home where Stephen will drop me off and then head to work. I miss Aimee already and I know she is missing us. It’s hard on young people when they first move away from home. Things are so different for them. It can be scary because they’re facing a whole new world. It’s not like they can drive home any time of day. Their 1,500 miles from home in a place where they have no friends or family close by. My Dad and Jill are the closest and they are at least six hours away in Beverly Hills, Florida. I

how hard it was for me when I was living in Washington State partly because I was so introverted. I not speaking to anyone unless someone spoke to me. Also when I lived in Tacoma, Washington, I was homesick for my friends but at least I was with two acquaintances I had met back home. They had talked me into moving with them because they knew all the family issues I was going through especially with my mother. So yes I worry about Aimee because I look back on my past and pray that she doesn’t end up like me. At least Aimee is not introverted and naïve like I had been. She is very out-going and she has a lot of gumption. Aimee is nobody’s fool. I talked with her before she married Sean. I mentioned not getting pregnant right away for both their sakes. I mentioned how they had to learn to adapt with each other. They would learn all kinds of things, good and bad. It seems that I keep stressing the importance of sharing in a marriage. I told Aimee if she could do that they would have a good marriage. I am feeling depressed since Aimee left yesterday. I miss her, yet I don’t miss her. I wish she would do better with her finances. Stu and I had to bail Aimee out again on her credit card. I just cannot keep doing this. I was angry and then I wasn’t. I want to help her but yet I am not helping her. By me bailing her out all the time she is not learning anything. I am enabling her. I cannot keep taking on her bills. Yet she is my daughter whom I love ionately as well as my sons, John and Michael who do not seem to have these types of problems. Why does Aimee? Have I spoiled her so much that she cannot take care of her household? I know what I should do but acting on it is hard for me. I must stick to my truths towards Aimee and Sean. I mustn’t bail them out as much as I want too. I will not always be there for them. Stephen is right when he talks about tough love. This is something I must act upon even though it will truly hurt my heart. When I myself at Aimee’s age I had given birth to John and I did not have help with my bills. I had to form a budget and as hard as it was I had to stick to it. Aimee’s been back in Pensacola for a week now. She’s seems to be doing well with exception to her bad financial problems. But I must it that she does seem to be getting more responsible on what she can and cannot afford. Stephen and I have finally stopped helping her and Sean. That’s it, no more money sent their way. No more enabling. Today is another ECT. Stu is waiting for me downstairs. He has his laptop and

some books on Solid Works and AutoCad he can read to get more adept at his 3D engineering drawings. He likes to putter on his laptop also, checking on his email and maybe catching up on some customer drawings he’s working on. We get to Norwood about 6:45am so they can get me hooked up and ready for treatment. When I wake up I have to lay there for awhile whilst my body is able to wake-up and become aware of my surroundings. I should be able to go down to the lobby around 9:30am. One of the nurses will walk with me down to meet Stephen who when we arrived looked as though he was nodding off to sleep. They wouldn’t let me walk out to the street for the car. Stephen had to go and drive the car up to the door under the purple canopy, called The Draper Lobby then I could get into the car. I am usually a little drowsy on our way home. Sometimes on our way home Stephen stops at a Dunkin Donuts so I can get a coffee and a bagel. It took about twenty minutes of waiting in line this morning. Finally we were on our way. I told Stephen that we won’t stop anymore because I know he needs to get to work as soon as possible. I can always fix myself something to eat when I arrive home. Stephen thanked me for understanding his predicament with work. He cannot wait until they space out my ECT’s further apart. Stephen’s boss at work is always understanding about my medical complications. I did not hear from Aimee today, I guess because she knew I would probably be sleeping from the ECT. When Stephen brought me in the house and left for work, I went and laid down on the sofa and fell asleep. I did not wake up until about 2:00pm. I called Stephen at work but he was in the middle of a project so I had to let him go. I finally went upstairs to take a shower. I did manage a little housework. After the housework I watched Star Trek Voyager until Stephen came home. Stephen cooked supper for me. We had sloppy Joes. Michael had left the house for a Warhammer Tournament in Abington. After supper I called Sue. I said I would call her tomorrow. Her and Arlene are going to get together with me and do lunch probably at Wendy’s. I’m not sure if they want to do any shopping. Lately every time Sue makes arrangements, they’re usually cancelled the next morning because Arlene changes her mind or Sue wants me to drive to Taunton and I will most likely have to pay for lunch because Sue never has any money. We’ll find out tomorrow morning.

I just got off the phone with Aimee. She was on her way home from work. We talked quite a bit. She’s excited about Sean coming in tonight. He will be with Aimee until Tuesday morning when he has to go back to North Carolina again. I am glad that he’s been able to get some weekend leaves. Aimee looks forward to seeing her husband. She was saying they had a lot to do this weekend from getting their taxes done to taking the dog to the vet and getting Sean’s cell phone fixed which they can’t afford with everything else. I made sure that I did not offer to help them in any financial way. Yes it is very hard for me not to make an offer of help.

Chapter Nine

STEPHEN’S OFF WORK TODAY FOR Presidents Day, so we had some things we did to complete our day. It started like every normal day. I woke too late to go walking at the mall. What we did do is drive down to the Sears in Dartmouth for the saw blade I was not able to find at the Sears in the Galleria Mall. In Dartmouth Stephen found the right blade. After that we headed to a Lebanese restaurant in Dartmouth. We enjoyed the food. It reminded me of when I attended St. Edwards School in Brockton and I met Sadie who was Lebanese. I used to be invited to her house all the time to share meals with her family. So many memories came rushing back to me, at least they were happy. They always treated me as part of the family. I think Sadie had told her parents about my problems at home with my mother, so they kinda took me in. After we finished dinner Stephen and I headed for the cinema in Wareham to watch, “The Bucket List” with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman. There were some humorous parts but mainly the story was about life and living life to the fullest. I was in tears through most of the movie. It was done very well, even Stephen enjoyed it and he’s always very skeptical with movies. So when Stephen says he liked it very much I knew it was a great movie. I would recommend this movie to anyone. I am sitting here in bed while I write in my journal. Aimee just called again. She is talking about taxes and waiting for Sean’s W-2 form. The tax lady told them that they would get more back by filing tly rather than separately. Aimee and Sean had to fill out papers giving Aimee the right to sign for Sean’s name on the tax form because he will be back in North Carolina. I told Aimee it should be alright and not to worry about it.

Caity just stopped over. I told her that Matt and Michael were downstairs. I asked, “How yah doing? How are things going?” “Good, how about yourself?” “Pretty good thanks. I am trying to think of my third novel, but I am not sure how to approach it.” “I’ll bet you’ll have no problem. Good Luck.” smiled Caity. I am still deluged with racing thoughts during my sleep time. I am still having nightmares in which I yell out in my sleep. These things have not stopped for me. As far as my special place I have numerous places in which to bring myself, whether it is a spiritual domain, a safe mindset, or a tangible place I can touch. As far as my spiritual discipline, I convey to my mind a divine setting. In this setting I try to imagine things that remind me of God. I see things like the bursting sunlight of a new dawn. I visualize people and with each face I am exposed to, I see the image of God. Doing this helps me to try and calm my thoughts and to relax my body tension. It also helps me feel close to the Holy Father. This does not always work the way I want it to depending on my anxiety and depression. There have been many times during my life’s journey where I turned away from my Catholic Faith. I was trying to seek out God through a different perspective. I wanted to find God in a loving, healing way. As a child I saw a God who initiates fear. I feared God and a piece of me still holds that fear. I ed a new Gospel Church when I left Massachusetts. There was a laying on of hands, people who openly praised the Lord. It was all very strange to me. I did not quite know whether the church was going to bring me the peace and love of the heavenly Father. People of the church really pushed me into becoming a new member of God’s divine family. For awhile I attended the services every Sunday. I tried very strongly to open up my soul to God with all my shortcomings. I was still searching. Yes I did finally commit my life back to the Catholic Faith especially being pregnant and needing to move back home to my mother with my head hung in shame. When my son was born I had him baptized into the Catholic Church through my faith praying that someday my son would have to choose his own faith. I prayed that he would learn about a God of love not fear. From the time I was sexually abused up until present day I have never been to confession because of the fear I still bear in my soul. Through God’s spirit speaking to my heart I hope someday to find peace. When I place myself into a safe mindset and environment, I try to push away anything that produces a negative influence. Emotions such as hate, anger, hurtfulness, evil, and even the lowliest of emotional thoughts fill my mind at times. Depression can bring you down to these depths of feeling lowly, useless,

unmotivated, and even a loss of energy. I must keep my mind alert at all times to any bad feelings innate within my being. Instead I must look to the bad feelings and ask myself how can I reverse its anxiety in my mind. I must see strength, patience with myself, courage to overcome fear and knowledge over ignorance. And so for a tangible special place I look to my past and to those things which helped me conquer my illness even if it was only for a time. When there is a flare up of my depression I may be hospitalized in a psyche unit where I am helped to feel safe. While there I will be coaxed into attending groups where I learn to communicate my frustrations and feelings. I have also attended outpatient clinics or day programs, meeting with groups of people learning to be in tune with my emotions. Ultimately I have my home where I take pleasure in a loving, caring family of husband and children. Without these intimate places in my life I must express that my existence would be in dire straits. The constant decline in my depression would eventually take its full toll upon my body, mind and spirit. I will not accept that I am forever free of the mental illness that haunts me time and again. So many times I am shown the eternal strength of the Holy Father whose help enhances the strong fundamental skills of love in my life. I vow not to let the deplorable emotional follies fill my head with constant suffering. Yes, times come when I sink below myself but I reach out to grab a hold of help through the Heavenly Father who is always there when I need his help. Tomorrow I have an appointment with Debbie. Stephen has asked me if I know what I am going to talk about. I hadn’t really thought about it until Stephen asked me. I guess I will mention the question I am asked every week about where my level of depression lies. I will tell Debbie a four and that’s where it has stayed for the last three weeks. I could pretend to be doing better but I have never been good with extending the truth. I do still feel depressed. The difference is that I am at a pivotal point where I am able to control my feelings. Being able to work through my down times gives me a boost as far as my feelings and emotions. Having better control carries me through trying times, though sometimes not too far. I feel that I will never be free of depression which has consumed me many times during my life. But there are times I am able to control my feelings without them getting the better hand. I see depression and understand how it manipulates those cast into its brine. The brine of depression casts us off into a force of which we

become poisoned and drown from the power death holds over us. Again we have lived through the twisting pathways and roads leading to the heart of depression. Understanding depression helps us overcome the twisted emotions trying to grab hold of our lives. We do not have to be conquered to the point in which our heart and mind become overwhelmed with the hideous actions depression brings our way. We must look at it and see it for what it truly is. Depression is a casting down of all emotions into a sublimate euphemism which is not reality. Seeing the reality of depression and knowing its tricks of the trade, we are able to subsist on a level which manages depression within ourselves. We have times where we can control our mind so it cannot take over our life. Communicating our thoughts and feelings is what we must learn to make us strong enough to subdue our depression. That’s not all that happened today. Over this past weekend I have been trying to coordinate Stephen’s birthday coming up this following weekend. I would have a lot of work to do trying to coordinate everyone together. This was going to take some time, because people work on the weekends. I was already becoming frustrated with coordinating the entire family to take their father to dinner. Tina couldn’t make one day. John couldn’t make the other. Caity and Michael were at odds because of their work schedule. My anxiety was beginning to peak and Stephen recognized this part of me. As I was informing Stephen as to all that was happening he abruptly said “Call it off. It’s not worth all the trouble. In fact I really don’t want a birthday dinner anyway. I will call everyone and cancel the dinner; this will make things easier for you.” I thanked Stephen for his understanding and his help. Stephen’s birthday is in February. The birthday dinner was cancelled because we just couldn’t coordinate every one. I have been trying to think of something to buy him that he would appreciate. I watched a commercial on the television about gold coins and wheat pennies that are no longer circulated. I know that Stephen’s father used to collect coins. In fact he had to sell them off at a time in their life when the family needed money. I decided to buy some coins for Stephen as a remembrance. I also went on the internet and ordered some jeans from LL Bean. So I feel a little better knowing I have a birthday present. I kept waking up last night. I had a very vivid dream. It woke me up about 5:00am when I decided to getup. The dream didn’t make sense to me. I was with a couple of boys and girls in my garage attic. In this attic were all kinds of items from my past, items such as collectible posters, scouting items, and also

collectible items of my brothers and sisters. I was giving my saved collectibles away to these children whom I thought would appreciate them. My sisters and brothers made sure that I did not give anything away that belonged to them. All of a sudden I came upon a glass case filled with memorabilia belonging to my father. As I walked towards the case I saw my father inside the glass case and he was dead. I woke up suddenly feeling very unnerved. This was my dream. With chronic depression you have an ongoing illness. You have your highs and lows. The slightest thing can be instrumental as to how you become affected by it. It just doesn’t go away because you wish it to be so. Things in life do not happen that way. Our mind thinks itself strong while it is really just a weakness within our feelings trying to manage who we are. What limits can we go to in order to become that strong healthy person who understands and discerns those emotions we are led through in our life. I talked on the phone today with Aimee and Sue. Aimee was on her way to get her taxes done. Sue was going out to lunch with her therapist. As for Aimee I tried to ask how she was doing. I asked if she had any plans for the day after getting her taxes done. She said she might take Fancy to the doggie park. Sunday is her one day off. I wished her a good day and said I would talk to her again tomorrow and I left off with, “I love you.” I am sitting here watching the television of which I have no interest. I am thinking about my mother. I wonder how she is getting along. I want to call her but I am afraid that Anne will answer and not my mother. I have so much guilt inside me. I can only my past and as it is with my memory it does not hold a lot of good thoughts. I do not favor ing my childhood. There are too many unkind memories that are triggered at unknown times. They come suddenly and I am not able to stop my past from intruding upon my thoughts. My thoughts are vivid in my mind, as vivid and mind consuming as a Van Gogh painting. You view the painting and its creation remains a constant in your memory. Its beauty, its ion can never be redone. My childhood memories of those I do were tragic, sad, and I pray can never be redone. I live a life mainly in the past tense. It’s like being on a see-saw going back and forth, what seems like forever. Depression comes one way and then goes back

the other. With each swing one way thoughts are filling my mind of the atrocities that make depression soar over leaps and bounds filling me with heartbreak and sorrow. Yet I try to pray to our Heavenly Father to help guide my mind into a state of relaxation and survival, into a state where I see our Heavenly Father filled with love. His hands are opened to accept me into his grasp. I must try to understand mental illness and come to realize that the see-saw cannot last forever. When I envision episodes of my past I am always confronted with the way things happened and the reason or purpose for why these things happened. Sometimes I feel that I am a very angry person because I do not understand why all the things that happened to me were meant to happen. Other times I feel comion to those who turned my life upside down. I try to talk to myself and find reasons for my illness. Our Heavenly Father does things for certain reasons. He teaches us to open our hearts to those whose lives have been burdened. May I learn to pray in earnest for all those who are oppressed throughout the world? Maybe not everyone born into this world will react in a way that celebrates the Lord. Through hurt, and the ability of not understanding, through humility and through reconciliation all of us are taught different ways to survive. Being depressed most of my life I have come to know certain lessons taught through the spirituality of the Lord. At times it does not lessen the ferocity of depression as something we hate in ourselves. We cannot bear to see what it does to our mind. At times we are filled with the idea of suicide telling ourselves that it is better to die than to live a life of depression.

Chapter Ten

SINCE BEING HOME NOW, I am trying very hard to acclimate myself into following certain regimens to keep me active on a daily basis. Today I needed to take Michael to Morton Hospital because he has a cyst that needs to be removed on his neck. It took two hours but I didn’t mind waiting. He has to come back next week to have the doctor check it and to remove the stitches. I am glad it was nothing serious. Stephen is on his way home. It’s his turn to drive this week. After supper I need to pick-up some prescriptions. I did a lot of housekeeping today. I just called Sue. She was busy with getting supper ready for her and Frank. She said she would call me back. I just talked to Debbie and next Wednesday is all set for our session at noon, and then I will head to Brockton to see Dr. Figman. Debbie said that she had tried to call me a few times when I was at Caritas Norwood but she was never able to get through, no one would pick-up the phone. She said that she spoke with my Social Worker there and Debbie knew they were giving me ECT’s. I look forward to seeing Debbie next Wednesday. After all these years with Debbie being my therapist I have come to respect her intelligence and thoughtfulness. I am even able to have comfortable conversations with her like a friend. It’s Friday, Superbowl Weekend. Everyone is talking about the Patriots big game. Everyone is having parties even Stephens work is having a party. If the Patriots win it will be the first time in NFL history in which one team never lost a game. Me, well today I am feeling a bit low. I will do my obligatory chores, even though I don’t have the energy or momentum. Maybe I can build myself up to it. It’s cold today. The weather is coming in from the west. We may get a couple of

inches of snow. I am trying to make myself think of things to write in my journal to keep my mind active but I am having difficulty. I just received a call from Caritas Norwood telling me that I had forgotten to take my coat when I left. They said that they would send it to me. I thanked them and then they asked me how I was doing. I said, “Okay.” I did some sketches today. They were sketches of different roses from my book of roses I bought for a dollar at the thrift store this past summer. My sketches came out well. Now I need time to paint them. I wish people would buy my books. I want to reach out to people like myself. I wish I had someone to do my foot work to help promote my books to the public. I am just not able to market them. I do not have the fortitude or the skill necessary to really press the book sales to the public. I went and had my hair done this morning. It was nice seeing Jeanne my hairdresser since my long stint at Caritas Norwood. She is so easy to talk with as I have a hard time talking at all, but I’ve gotten to know Jeanne. She makes it easy for me to have a conversation with her. After getting my hair done I am supposed to meet Carol. She wants to do some shopping. She will have her granddaughter Keara with her. Carol baby-sits for Keara on the weekends. I called Carol to find out when she wants to go shopping and to lunch. She said anytime I wanted. I told Carol that Stephen and I had some errands to do before I could go. I said that I would call her when we got home. After Stephen and I arrived home I called Carol and she said she would be over in about fifteen minutes. Carol and Keara came and we headed out to Walmart. After Walmart we went to Applebees for lunch. I had a gift card so I was able to pay for lunch. Next we went to Lowes because Carol was looking for vacuum cleaner bags but she couldn’t find the type she needed. Carol dropped me off when we were finished shopping. I went inside and Stephen and I sat down for a coffee, something I missed while hospitalized. I called Sue three times last night. She never answered the phone. This is not like Sue. I hope she is not back in the hospital. She might be at her mother’s house again. I will try to call her later today and see if she answers. I woke up this morning with my throat hoarse and all congested. I have a cold. Now I have to work on getting rid of it. John will be over for dinner today. Tina

won’t be coming because she has baton classes to teach. Michael will be going to work at noon. I cannot think of anything that needs to be done today with the exception of cleaning the bathroom upstairs. I didn’t make it to church again. I have always been faithful about going to church on Sunday. Since my hospitalization I have not had the desire to go to mass. I have not been praying. I need to get myself back into a routine of praying and talking to our Heavenly Father. Without him in my heart I will be as nothing. Praying will give me the strength to carry out my life with the power of Jesus at my side. I called Sue again. This time I got a hold of her. I told her that I had called her three times last night. She said that she wasn’t home. She said that she stayed over Franks. Sue has a half day on Tuesday so I invited her over for a coffee. She said that she had to do her water aerobics and wouldn’t finish until 2:30pm. I told her that she could still come afterwards if she wants. I guess Sue went to LaSalette Shrine with her therapist to light a candle for her Dad and for Gail a friend who recently died. She said that she is going to BJ’s with Frank today. She has to return something she bought. Stephen and I just talked with Aimee. She was trying to fix her vacuum cleaner. I guess it’s not picking up anything. John, Stephen and I all had a chance to jabber a bit with Aimee. She’s anxious about coming home again. It’s still a few weeks away. She will only be home for four days because she still has to work. At least work is giving her time off. It’s too bad it couldn’t be longer. Today will be a busy day for me. I have an appointment with Dr. Gross for my cold then I go straight to see Debbie. Then I will have about an hour before I have to go see Dr. Figman. I must my prescriptions I need. I’ve finally finished my sequel to “My Special Place.” It’s about 270 pages. I have printed out the last ten pages I wrote yesterday. I printed them out so I could ask Debbie to read them. I am actually feeling slightly better this morning. Maybe this cold is breaking up. Hopefully Dr. Gross will give me some antibiotics. I have no idea what to write in my journal again today. I will be busy so I will not have much time to think about it. Maybe I can try to relax my mind. I have a copy of “My Special Place” for Debbie and Dr. Figman. I am sitting here watching a movie Stephen asked me to watch. It’s called,

“Gambit” with Michael Caine and Shirley McClaine. When I have some time today I need to call Sue. I also need to call Carol because she called last night and left me a message to call. I must have fallen asleep, because I never heard the phone ring. As for the weather we should be getting rain today. Stephen and I watched the weather for down south in Pensacola. They have an alert out for possible tornados. The area was having hail the size of baseballs. I am feeling anxious this morning. I guess it’s because of my appointments. I am thinking about my mother. I want joy, peace and happiness for her. Yet I cannot bring myself to her beckon call again. I tried once for assisted living and she refused and moved back to Anne’s place. Now things aren’t working out as we knew they wouldn’t. As I have told my mother many times, things wouldn’t work out. Anne is using our mother for her money. I cannot let my mother live here as Stephen would leave me if that ever happened knowing right well that things would eventually fall apart. It would never workout with the differences between my mother and me. I would definitely go crazy. She needs a place away from family situations. I saw Dr. Gross this morning and I have strep throat so he wrote me a script for penicillin. After seeing Dr. Gross I drove to Taunton to see Debbie. I gave her a copy of my book. We talked quite a bit. I also showed Debbie my sketches I did of the roses and she loved them. Debbie said that I am doing much better since the ECT’s. She sees me doing more for myself, acting out, showing myself as a very active person unafraid of doing things to help myself. Stephen has also noticed me doing much better with the treatments. I can’t wait to start feeling better physically and then maybe I will start walking every day as I had before my ittance to Caritas Norwood. I am looking forward for all of this to come about. After my session with Debbie I left to see Dr. Figman. He wanted to know what happened to me after we last met. I told him about my depression and my anxiety escalating to a point in which I had a plan all worked out in committing suicide. I have not been able to write my thoughts lately, for whatever reason I am not sure. I have been very anxious. I am worried about Aimee. I want her to move home and wait for Sean, but I do not know if I can convince her. She’s in love and wants to remain with her husband. I cannot condemn her for this. Aimee called this morning at 3:30am. I answered the phone thinking something was wrong, but it was Aimee asking about her smoke alarm. She said it kept

going off and Fancy wouldn’t stop barking. She wanted to know how to take the battery out. So I called Stephen who was already awake, to pick-up the phone. Thank God it wasn’t anything serious. I hate getting phone calls in the middle of the night. I get very nervous and scared, thinking the worst. Stephen talked to Aimee for quite some time. I ended up falling back to sleep and didn’t wake up until 7:30am. I don’t know what’s with me lately. I have never slept this late in years. I am going to try cutting back on my Seroquel. I hope that cutting back the dosage helps. I can’t believe that having an ECT once a week will make me that sleepy during the week. ECT’s never made me sleepy in the past so why should they now. I have some chores to do today, like ironing, dusting, laundry, and washing the kitchen floor. I also might try painting one of my sketches. Right now I am having hot flashes. It seems warm in the house. Stephen has the woodstove on, that could be the reason I feel so hot. Stephen and I are sitting down watching the Three Stooges while waiting for Gil to stop by for our Sunday morning coffee and chat. He may not show up this morning because of his Chemotherapy Treatments. There are many mornings after treatments that Gill doesn’t feel well. He is constantly in my prayers. Stephen and I are expecting John for dinner today. Tina has her baton lessons that she teaches. Also Michael usually has to work at noontime every Sunday so we just save him a plate for when he comes home. The weather this morning is not too bad for a New England winter. It is about 35° but we are expecting freezing rain which is typical for this time of year, in New England. I should call Carol today and maybe I will also call my Father and Jill. I am curious as to how Sam is doing with them. Richard refuses to go down to visit as long as Sam is living with them. Jill became very upset with this turn of events. Sam is a known drug dealer at least he was until he moved to Florida with Jill and my father, but we really don’t know the situation. Sam could be hiding the facts from Dad and Jill. Jill is taking Sam at his word. When he moved to Florida to live with my Dad and Jill Sam was pulled over for a DUI (Driving under the influence) so as of now he is not allowed to drive and he must return to court and appear before a judge in the near future. Sam is thirty years old and needs to be

out on his own. Jill is enabling him. My Dad wants him out. I have heard through the grapevine that while Sam was living with his brother Mickey in New Bedford, he stole four thousand dollars from him. I have also been told that Sam’s drug dealer has a price on his head for stealing drugs from him. When Stephen and I had Sam come to live with us years ago because his mother could not control him. She was going to kick him out on the street at fifteen years old. I could not except this. I took him in thinking that Stephen and I would be able to help him. For three years Sam seemed to do fine living with us. Once he graduated from high school he was accepted into Bridgewater State College for business. I prayed that Sam had turned his life around. With his living on campus Stephen and I never saw him anymore. Every once in awhile we would hear rumors as to how he was doing. What we heard was not good news. He was into alcohol and drugs dealing and using. In his fourth year at Bridewater Sam decided to leave school having only three courses left to complete. Stephen and I heard that he moved to New Bedford to live and work with his father at a grocery store. The drug trade in New Bedford is very high, so I knew this would not be good for Sam. Sam’s Dad was also a drug , this was why my sister Anne divorced him. From this point in Sam’s life things sank below any chance of him reforming his life back to normal. Stephen was so upset with how Sam was running his life that he did not want Sam to ever adorn our doorstep again. Sam ruined any kind of reconciliation from Stephen. I had to agree with Stephen’s position as I did not want to aggravate any difference of opinion. With me I always want to give people the benefit of the doubt. Dr. Figman is always telling me that I am too virtuous. I have to learn to say no to people so I won’t keep being hurt and blaming myself when things go wrong.

Chapter Eleven

THE SUN IS SHINING BRIGHTLY today. It looks as though the snow may melt. Stephen just left to pick-up a gallon of milk for dinner, and then he was going to stop at Gils for a few minutes. I just finished making homemade tapioca for dessert; it is one of Stephen’s favorite desserts. I will also be making homemade ginger cookies filled with an orange cream frosting. I will cut the cookie in half letting it stick out of the tapioca and then put a dollop of whipped cream and a cherry on top. I hope John and Tina enjoy it. We will see Tina today as she does not have to teach baton lessons. I have finished setting the table and I have the coffee ready to go after dinner. Stephen will be cooking dinner and I will help where he needs it. My job is usually the clean-up. I am feeling more relaxed this morning not all anxious like I have been. The ECT’s are definitely helping. I just hope they continue to help. A new day today, I am hoping to go walking like I did before I entered the hospital. I have not been in touch with my exercises on a daily basis as I was used to before entering the hospital. If only I could build up the energy and strength inside me again. Well its 11° outside this morning. I can feel the cold in the house, so I don’t think I will be walking this morning. I will wait until the weather warms up a bit. Here I go making excuses for myself. I feel that I am not challenging myself to keep busy. This will not help my depression. Stephen and I watched an Irish movie this morning starring Mia Farrow who spoke an excellent Irish accent. I found the movie very good. I really got into watching the movie so I did not get my walking done again. After laundry and some other chores I was able to paint a couple more of my sketches. Last night I decided to call my best friend Mary in Pennsylvania. We talked for quite some time. We talked about everything from my being in the hospital to ECT treatments, to the situation with my mother and Anne. We talked about the

kids, about our husbands, Mary’s mom and brother. Health issues, just everything. It was nice because we usually don’t get to talk very often. I’m lucky if I call her once a year. I usually try to call on her birthday. I have a very busy morning today. I see Debbie today. I ended up helping her out on her computer. Community Counseling now has a program in which they have to place their clients and write in how they are doing mentally and physically. I showed Debbie how to do a couple of things on the computer and I also helped her with getting an e-mail address. I ended up staying past my time. This never happens. Debbie had to write up my treatment plan for the year, using such things as working on my anger issues, my communication skills, being more active with a daily schedule, like walking, reading, and writing in my journal, and then I had to sign it. After I left for home I was thinking about Aimee. I told myself that I would call her when I arrived home. We talked for a bit. Aimee told me that Sean would be home for the weekend and she was looking forward to it. I wished them a good weekend together. I ended with I love you both and I miss you. Another Wednesday has come and I have an appointment with Debbie again. We have had six inches of snow but it started raining and by the time I left to see Debbie the snow was mostly melted. Stephen had a customer visit today so he will be home late. He had to go to Billerica on the North Shore. It has been awhile since Stephen has gone on a customer visit up north. I’m home now and it is still pouring out, what a dismal day. Gerry just called for Stephen but he wasn’t home yet. He asked me to let Stephen know that he will pick him up in the morning. I thanked him for calling and promised to give Stephen the message. I have been declining when it comes to writing in my journal. I have not had the motivation or ambition, lately to find the words to communicate my thoughts. I need to write. Writing is what helps my ability to see life as it should be seen and shared. Life is so full of many images. We could make an unstoppable list, when it comes to life. There are so many personalities in life. Some personalities we understand and feel a similarity to. Other personalities we don’t quite understand because our minds may be in a state of confusion, a state of mind to which we let emotions ramble on not making any sense to us. Depression I feel is a part of the confused mind. With depression our minds cannot comprehend.

We feel useless and hopeless. We have the inability to share our feelings in a state of mind that helps us release the emotions that inhibit our thoughts. I feel that depression must hit all people at some point in their life. Yet there are many who are able to think and be aware of emotions that are dragging them down. Being aware helps us to overcome each degrading feeling or thought. By being aware we are given the ability to reason with our inner thoughts. We learn by our mistakes. We become successful when viewing our mind with an unrestrained inner strength. We hope that our minds will no longer be clouded over with a dire depression but will be filled with a new form of freedom. But for those of us who may have been born with feelings of dread for everything we try to accomplish, we cannot see beyond our weakness. It’s this weakness of character that inhibits us with any lust for life and in which we feel will bring us freedom from our desperate, tragedies of life. I ended up going out with Sue today. We went to Wendy’s for lunch and then to the mall. Stephen asked me to pick him up a couple of parts at Sears. After leaving Sears Sue and I walked over to Borders because I wanted to buy a couple of books to read. After that we walked to the other end of the mall to Radio Shack. Stephen needed a special lithium battery. After that I took Sue home. Being at the mall gave Sue and me a little bit of exercise with all the walking we did. It wasn’t much but even a little bit helps. Aimee called today while Marilyn was over for Sunday dinner. Stephen talked to Sean and he definitely has orders for San Diego once he finishes school in May. I’m sure Sean and Aimee are looking forward to a new adventure. I pray that Aimee gets a Medical Assistant job. She needs this to build up some pride in herself. I can only keep encouraging her abilities; she’s very smart like her Dad. While Stephen, Marilyn and I were playing scrabble I noticed someone coming up our walk. The door bell rang. Max went crazy in one of his fits. Stephen rose to answer the door. Come to find out it was Bobby an old Boy Scout from Troop 8. He was in scouts with John when Stephen was the Scoutmaster. He had stopped by to tell us that he was a scoutmaster for his son and his wife was a Girl Scout leader for their daughter. Bobby said they were out waiting in the car. Stephen asked him to bring them in so he did. Bobby wanted to know if it would be alright to go camping out back in the woods. Stephen told him, “absolutely”. He said, “Just leave a note on the door if nobody’s home.” They reminisced

about the old troop days. It was good for Stephen to see someone from his past, to know that when he left boy scouts there were young men who thought very highly of Stephen. Bobby said that he is a design engineer. He uses Auto-Cad, Pro-Engineer and Solid Works. Stephen uses the same programs but designs connector cable assemblies as once we both did. Bobby designs packaging for electronic parts. He asked about John and we told him that he was doing well. After reminiscing they left thanking us for allowing them to be able to use the land out back anytime. It was a fun visit and nice to know that Stephen as a scoutmaster left a good impression on one of his scouts. I know that there are probably more and that maybe one day they will come to reminisce with their old scoutmaster. This spur of the moment visit left Stephen quite happy. Stephen and I talked to Jill this morning. I asked how things were going. She said that her father had another heart attack and was just getting out of intensive care. Jill said he can’t go back to the nursing home. They had to find him a place that accepted Alzheimer’s patients because he tends to wander off. I guess my Dad is doing okay. He drives Sam to work everyday and picks him up. I asked Jill how things were working out. She said, “Pretty good, sometimes I get a little aggravated but pretty much things are okay.” I have been thinking a lot about my mother again. I’m still having nightmares. Stephen has been waking me up. I’m waking up in the middle of the night and it takes awhile to fall back to sleep. I don’t know if I should take another Seroquel or not. Before going into the hospital I was taking 800mg. Since being at the hospital I now take 600mg. I don’t know if that is enough. I am always having reoccurring thoughts of my mother. I ask myself over and over, Is she happy? Is she sad and lonely? I know that life with my mother was not great or even close to great but I still think about her and I think, “Could things have been different?” I called Carol today but she didn’t answer. She must have been out shopping. I left her a message to call when she gets a chance. Stephen and I just watched a movie on the television. It was called, “I Am David.” It was very good. I was crying at the end. I found it very moving and poignant. It was about a 12 yr. old boy who was taken away from his parents as a small child in Bulgaria during which they had the communist takeover. David was placed in a Bulgarian Labor Camp and had assumed that his parents were killed. He was able to escape from the camp. The movie was about his journey

trying to find his way back to Denmark where his mother was from. I thoroughly enjoyed it. I would recommend it to others. I awoke late again today. Stephen and I did not go walking at the mall again. The weather today is brutal with pouring rain and high winds. I guess we are supposed to have rain for the next couple of days. Today I am not sure what Stephen and I will be doing. I have my journal here but I am just not filled with things to write about. I feel I have reached a block in my writing. It’s as though a wall has gone up around my thoughts. My imagination is not very active, just the opposite, I do not have the inclination to write. I will leave my journal at this moment and hope that something will come to me as the day wears on. What am I to do with my life? How do I bring it purpose? Everyone’s life needs purpose. Without purpose what would you have to say about your life, it would be meaningless? I have searched my life through, seeking meaning, purpose, even wisdom. I have had times in which I could find no meaning or purpose to my existence. Without wisdom to answer the questions of life we forever seek, how are we able to find ourselves and find who we are or who we are to become. God leads us through life seeking our eternal answers to life as we acknowledge it within our hearts and within our minds. My mind seems to be in a fog today. My thoughts are scattered, nothing seems binding in my mind. I ask myself where my level of depression is. I feel like I did when I was discharged six weeks ago, no better, no worse, but I am hanging in there. Why have I been thinking so much of my mother? I can’t seem to get her out of my mind. She is eighty-one years old. Even though she is living with Anne, I know she is not happy with the living arrangements. I cannot get myself involved anymore. I tried for a time but it got me hospitalized in a psyche unit at Caritas Norwood because I couldn’t take on the responsibilities of taking care of my mother while dealing with retribution from my sister. I need to keep myself distanced from these family matters. They only drive me to the brink. My sister Carol says that since she bought my mother’s third of the house, she has had no anxiety or depression. She has peace with herself as well as freedom from anymore strife. I am grateful to Our Lord for helping her get to this point in

her life. Seventeen years it took for Carol and James living with our mother to finally realize that this wasn’t worth it. For seventeen years our mother manipulated Carol, James, and their children. Our mother was great at finding fault with things. Things had to change for the sake of everyone’s mental health. It’s sad but true. I talked to Sue tonight. She told me some things about her past. Things I didn’t know. Things she has never told her psychiatrist and tonight she has told me. I do not know why Sue revealed these things to me. I feel as though she wants me to be like her therapist and help her deal with her past. I am in no condition to help Sue this way. I have enough to work on in my own life and in my past. Another day and I slept in again. I am still off and on going to mass. I need to attend mass as a means of prayer and learning to live the life of Jesus. I have been trying in earnest to make mass every Sunday. Stephen is helping me to rise Sunday mornings for mass. I have no motivation. My depression is keeping me down, yet Stephen is my anchor. I have been continuing with my outpatient ECT’s. Right after my ECT Treatments I feel so much calmer and less depressed. As time wears on I can feel myself becoming more depressed again while I await my next ECT. I have placed myself at a level three as far as my depression goes, ten being the worst. Dr. Young is doing my ECT’s. He asked me overall how I thought I was doing. I told him that I felt stable and he asked if I could notice a difference for the better. I said, “Yes I am feeling better, and less depressed. So maybe I can get as low as a two but it will probably take some more time. I hope that I am able to come up with some solid truths as I write my third book. My story will not end with my feelings of depression and anxiety. These feelings will always remain a large part of my life. I can feel their fear. I can feel their undoing of my mind.

Chapter Twelve

I SPENT MOST OF MY time today on the computer. I had an appointment with Debbie at noontime. I decided to leave about 11:00am so I could stop at Pathways and talk to the director about trying to get a book g at the Mill River Art Show for Mental Health Awareness Month in May. Since talking with the Director of Community Counseling today, I am hoping that he will encourage the committee on letting me give a talk about my book to try to get people to buy a copy. I know the director from my past attendance at Community Counseling. For several years I attended Pathways the day program at Community Counseling. At first I hated it. I was so introverted to the point where I was afraid to talk. I had no self esteem what so ever. Yet over the years I was able to make a friend and to start opening up. I gave the director a copy of my first book to read. I at least hope that he will give me the respect of reading my story. I really think that my book will reach out to many people who can find many things in common with my life. When I spoke with him, he said that he didn’t think I would be able to have the book g because the committee already has everything pretty much set. He said he would ask the committee but if we can’t do it at Mill River maybe we could do it at Pathways. I do not want to have a book-g at Pathways because of my prior book-g there a year ago. I did attend Pathways over the years and I still knew some of the clients attending this day program. When I had my book-g I did not sell one book. It’s not because they didn’t want to read my books. It was the fact that they didn’t have the money to purchase my books. I feel the same thing will happen again. All the clients at Pathways cannot afford to buy my books and I do not think that many of Pathways Clients are capable of reading my books and understanding them coherently because of the severity of there illness. Well at least I tried. I went and had my session with Debbie. I told her about my frustrations with the book g during Mental Health Awareness Month. I was very disappointed with the director. He knows

me very well. How can I build up my self-esteem through the sale of my books? I thought that this would be the perfect opportunity because of many doctors, social workers, psychologists, mental health workers and even family of the mentally ill. Danielle, the director of the Middleborough Library asked if I wouldn’t mind doing a book g with someone else who wrote a book about horses. Danielle also said that there is another person who has done poetry for mental illness in the Arts from the Heart Poetry Club. I said that I could do it with others and hopefully stay calm with other people. Danielle asked if I could give a small speech about my books and why I wrote them. Also I would have to keep my speech to not more than ten minutes. I told Danielle that I would be willing to give a small speech about my book and mental health awareness. So that I don’t get too anxious and forget what I want to say, I will write a brief speech that I can read aloud. Danielle is going to let me know and we’ll see if we can get things coordinated with everyone. I also told Danielle that I would put together a tri-fold poster announcing my book and that I wanted to the Middleboro Gazette about doing an article to help publicize my book. Danielle is going to be calling me around the 17th of March to let me know the date for the book g. Once I get the date I have to my book at places like the library, Mill River, where I see Debbie. I need to go to the Middleboro Gazette and ask if they will do an article for my book and for the book g date. I also need to find out where the Taunton Gazette is located along with the Lakeville Call. I am going to have a hard time trying to manage all this, but it is something I must do. Just thinking about it is making my anxiety soar. Also thinking about having interviews is making me extremely anxious. I am going to ask Sue to come with me to give me some courage and . I just hope I don’t start stuttering and forget my notes. This happens to me quite often when I have had to talk to someone with whom I am not very familiar. I just talked to Aimee. She will not stop talking about Stephen and me coming to visit her in Pensacola. I told her that at this time it is not convenient for Stephen and me to come now because we have to get our finances straightened out. Also the fact that I have ECT’s every Friday makes it difficult to take a trip at this time. Aimee doesn’t want to hear excuses. She just wants us to jump on a plane and fly down to Pensacola. It’s nearly impossible right now. After helping Aimee and

Sean with their debts we need to bring our funds back to what they were. I need to start going through my third book trying to make things fit together in a sequence of events as they happened and not all hodge podge. I still have several pages to go through before my third book will be ready. I just arrived home from seeing Debbie. The weather today has been very pretentious. Earlier it was raining buckets with lots of thunder. Stephen asked that I not work on the computer while there was a storm brewing because it could have an ill effect on the computer. The storm did not last long but the wind was treacherous. I can see everything blowing away, at least the rain has stopped. Since being home I went on my computer and got my story up to date for now, but I see more work ahead. I must try to start writing in my journal on a daily basis again. I also must start getting back into my old routines like going for walks, going to mass regularly, and continuing to write my thoughts and feelings. I have just spoken with Sue. She wants to go out to lunch on Saturday. She mentioned that Arlene might come with us. I have my doubts with Arlene lately. It seems that every time the three of us make plans to go out, Arlene comes up with an excuse of why she can’t make it. I am starting to feel that she doesn’t care for me anymore. Maybe I am just being paranoid. I don’t know. Maybe Arlene’s excuses are real and I’m making too much of it. I really like Arlene. I have never once seen her get angry. She is always so bubbly and effervescent. I have also had the opportunity to meet her daughter Liz. She works at a store I frequent. She is always pleasant. I feel that she is just like her mom. I have my ECT on Friday this week but it is at 10:00am instead of my usual 7:00am. Maybe I should call to ask when I should arrive. I wonder if Dr. Alesker will do the 10:00am. ECT. I would like to see her. I am hoping that I can start treatments every other week soon. Jill called today. She was just checking on how we were managing. She and my Dad were driving somewhere so I couldn’t talk to my father because he didn’t have his hearing aids on. Without them he really can’t hear at all. I was not able to finish the conversation as the connection broke up while we were talking. I was able to get them back but only for a few minutes. It’s nice talking to my Dad and Jill. We don’t talk very often because it seems Stephen and I are always

busy. Come early evening we are ready to hit the hay. Stephen falls asleep in his easy chair and I go get myself comfortable in bed so I can read before I start falling asleep. Aimee called for a few minutes today. She was at work and she was upset. I guess her boss promised her overtime tomorrow and happened to change her mind. Aimee was very upset because she could really use the extra money. I advised her not to show anger in a situation like this because it will strain the relationship between her and her boss. I told Aimee to act calm and just take it as part of the job. I told her she cannot always have things her way all the time. I have many things that I need to accomplish tomorrow. I have created a list of things to do. I must buff the hardwood floors. I must iron Stephen’s laundry and I would like to paint a couple more sketches. If I can accomplish these few things I will feel some satisfaction within myself. I need to keep myself busy like this on a daily basis. If I can maintain an active schedule it will most likely help my depression. Megan’s birthday is tomorrow. She will be six years old. Stephen and I are going over to see her tonight and bring a gift because tomorrow she will be with her father. Stephen and I will show up around 7:30pm at John and Tina’s place. John said he had to pick-up Megan at 7:00pm. So Stephen and I took a ride over John’s and Tina’s to give Megan her birthday present. We didn’t stay long. John showed Stephen some houses he and Tina are looking to purchase. While we were there Aimee happened to call. She didn’t sound like she was in a good mood. I know she received the letter I had written along with the package we sent her. I do not think she was very excited about it. I told Aimee we bought the scrapbook kit for the purpose of giving her a hobby of some kind while Sean was away. We didn’t get the excitement from her that we expected. When I asked, “How do you like it?” Aimee’s response was, “Okay.” Aimee is not an artsy person but I thought it would be nice to start a scrapbook with pictures of Aimee and Sean. Also someday when they do have children Aimee will have become a pro at scrap booking. I am finding it difficult to think of things to write in my journal again. Everything I write seems so mundane. How can I perk up my thoughts on paper? Am I writing too much? Am I expecting too much from myself? I must it that writing on a daily basis is no easy matter, especially when it comes down to sharing your emotions and thoughts. In my past I was never at a loss for the

written word now suddenly I am. I have been sitting here trying to explain what I am feeling inside myself. How do I feel? Can it be easily explained? If not what would be another way of going on about how I feel? As far as my depression I feel quite stable at the moment. My body seems to be somewhat relaxed. My thoughts though many, are not scattered throughout my mind in a nonsensical way. I am able to take a single thought and work on what it means to me. I often wonder if I will run out of thoughts. At this moment I am thinking of selfishness. I find myself being a very selfish person. Why I ask myself do I feel selfish? I have to say I am selfish for the reason that when I become depressed I let selfishness take a hold of me. As my depression leads me to feelings of suicide I feel selfish. Selfish because I think that with death there will be freedom from the burdensome worries of my life. But selfishness comes to me because I am only thinking of myself. I am not concerned with the pain I will inflict upon others who share with me in life. With depression exploding about my mind I am blinded by an uncertainty death will bring to me. Do I feel as though death brings with it rewards? How foolish to think this way. How can I be rewarded by suicide if I hurt those I love? I may place an unending guilt in their hearts. No, death is something I agonize over through my depression. I see my family in my mind. I see them burdened with guilt over the loss of someone with which they shared their life. How can I honestly say to myself that they will be better off without me in their lives? When depression overcomes my thoughts I cannot think sensibly. My heart feels heavy with the weight of this loss I am to endure. But if I do proceed with my own death I must become subject to my Lord’s judgment upon my soul. I will have to answer to my Lord for this deplorable sin of suicide. If I can stay free from these emotions of depression, I will be given strength from our Lord to bear these ill gotten feelings. I will be able to overcome my evil thoughts with thoughts of life and the freedom to discern the separateness from death and life. Yes I must ask our Lord with each new day to fill my soul with the desire to live life. I need to live life with those whom I love whether family, friends, or acquaintances. I need to see even a poor homeless person depleted with nothing, but somehow has the desire to go his way and live. If this homeless person pursues existence how can I not do the same?

I attempted to be functional today. I had to push myself into being purposeful. I did the ironing that I had put off all week. I also took more of my sketches I had drawn over a month ago and started painting them with watercolors. I tried to keep my mind free from anxiety and depression. Tomorrow I will be having another ECT treatment. Stephen will be bringing me to Caritas Norwood as per usual for the process. When I have my treatment I am going to ask if I can start going every other week. I am feeling more stable. Again my level of depression from zero to ten, ten being the worst, I will give myself a four. This time it is because so much is going on in the family and I feel myself getting overwhelmed with thoughts that bring on depression. I saw Dr Alesker for my ECT today. I brought in all my water colored pictures with me to see if any of the nurses or doctors would like to choose one. They really seemed excited about the pictures. Dr. Alesker asked me how I was feeling. I said, “Okay.” She said, “That’s not good enough for depression. Tell me more.” I said, “I’m worried about my daughter. She was recently up from Pensacola. She has been feeling depressed and anxious. She’s homesick and doesn’t have any friends down there. Her husband is in No. Carolina. She wanted to stay with us longer but she couldn’t because of her job. She has a job but it’s not what she wants. She is a certified Medical Assistant and is able to draw blood but she cannot find a job down there because you have to be certified in each state and she is only certified in Massachusetts. I worry about her and I feel helpless. I want to help her.” Dr. Alesker said, “There is nothing you can do. You must let her go. How long has she been married?” I said, “It won’t be a year until May.” Dr. Alesker just reiterated the fact that there is nothing I can do for her but be there to listen. That ended our conversation. When I woke up I found out that they had scheduled me for next Friday again. I was hoping for every other week. I have received a message from Dr. Figman’s office to remind me of my appointment on Monday at 11:15am. After this appointment Dr. Figman will be moving his office to Raynham. This will make it a lot easier for me to get to his office. He will be a lot closer to home. I have been with Dr. Figman several years. When I first started going to him I was very frightened of him. Why I wasn’t quite sure. He was friendly enough. I guess it was my attitude. It’s hard trying to tell people you don’t really know your personal problems. It has taken this long to finally feel at ease seeing Dr. Figman. There are times now in which he will be candid with me on an intellectual level.

I tried to call Sue when I arrived home from my ECT but she wasn’t home yet. She had a half day today but she has her water aerobics on Tuesday’s and Friday’s. I will try calling her later to invite her over. Sue has been talking on the phone for over an hour. I have tried calling her at least six times. This sounds like the cat calling the kettle black because I always complain about Sue’s constant calling. Now I am calling too much. Finally I was able to get through. I asked her if she wanted to come over and take me to Stop & Shop so I could take some money out of the ATM. After ECT’s I am not able to drive. Sue said her brakes were making noise like a scraping sound. After talking to Sue I went upstairs and asked Michael but he was sleeping and he wasn’t very enthused about taking me. I said if he changed his mind to let me know. He didn’t. I had to wait for Stephen to get home. I wanted to surprise Stephen by ordering a couple of pizza’s to be delivered, but it doesn’t look as though it will happen today, because I couldn’t get out to the ATM for some cash. Today after my ECT I did not feel as sleepy and groggy as before. I have not been able to fall asleep like in my previous ECT’s. I guess this is good. I feel more alert. I just attempted to call Aimee. I had talked to her yesterday at work. She informed me that her cell phone wasn’t working anymore. We talked for a few minutes. She gave me her work number but I can’t call today because they are not open on Sundays. After talking to Aimee I went on the internet to look at phones but I was having a hard time. I just wanted to get prices on different phones. I also need a new phone. Mine has not been working for sometime now. Being Monday I have tried to call Aimee at work but for some reason I have not been able to get through. She told me her cell phone is not working. I tried to go on-line to order her a new phone but I ran into a problem. Verizon said my contract is up the 19th of July and if I wait until then I can save up to two hundred dollars. I want to let Aimee know if she can wait until the 19th. I don’t want to pay more than I need too. On my way home from ECT, Stephen and I talked about my level of depression. I told him about talking to Dr. Alesker. I told Stephen that I don’t think I will ever be completely free of my illness.

Stephen came home from work around 6:30pm. He was feeling very sick. He said he felt nauseous. He went upstairs to lie down. When I went to bed a little while later to read, Stephen was still in his clothes under the covers. I asked if I could get him something for his stomach, but he said no. When I got up this morning Stephen was already up. I had heard him up about 3:00am. I changed the sheets and emptied the trash upstairs. When I came down I asked Stephen how he was feeling. He said, “Much better. I don’t know what I had but boy was I sick.” We both had some oatmeal for breakfast. Michael was up and went to work shortly before 7:00am. Sue called about 10:00am. Barbara and Doug were over for our Saturday coffee and chat session. I told Sue that I would leave here around 11:00am to pick her and Arlene up. Sue wanted to go to the mall to get her some clothes that fit. I told her that I had a call from one of the stores at the mall yesterday about a big sale everything in the store was forty percent off, so we could stop there. So I picked up Sue and Arlene and we went shopping. While the three of us were shopping around we found some great bargains. All of us bought something. After leaving the mall we went to a craft store because I was interested in buying some frames for my pictures. My pictures were 9” x 12”. I had a hard time finding frames this size but I finally found some and they were on sale. So I made out pretty good. It was a busy day. But being busy is a good thing. I am still having ECT’s every Friday. The good thing is that Stephen can tell that they are working. Debbie also said that she’s noticed a change in me. This morning I happened to look out the kitchen window towards the bird feeder and there was a Downy Woodpecker. We’ve been getting a large variety of birds. I really enjoy seeing different birds. Stephen and I have a bird book of eastern birds so if we see a bird we’ve never seen before we look it up in our book. Stephen and I just talked to Marilyn and Dave. Marilyn complemented me on my book. She said she thoroughly enjoyed it. She also told me the one thing she noticed is the fact that the entire story deals with my childhood and does not tell my story today. I told Marilyn that I am working on a sequel to it. I have just sent my sequel into the publisher. I told her the book will be entitled, “My Special Place Today.” I am glad she enjoyed it. I hope other people enjoy reading the book.

I see Dr. Figman on Monday. I wonder if he read the book and if he did what he thought about it. I am also wondering about Debbie’s viewpoint of the book along with the Director of Community Counseling (Pathways) and Director of the Middleboro Library.

Chapter Thirteen

AS I LIVE MY LIFE I will always try to think of special places along my journey through life. I always come to think of a quest to be something special, something attainable. My thoughts are always seeking places where I am able to realize emotions that bring gentleness, overwhelming love, truthfulness, and humility. With these emotions constantly crossing over barriers traveling throughout my mind I am able to see how life deals it’s blows to the innocent. Many are unaware of the battles building up inside themselves. I have always tried to keep possession of all my special places. I recede into my mind back to childhood where my special place was a beautiful, tangible place of faeries and angels. These special places gave me what I needed to continue on into life as a teenager. As a teenager, reading books led my imagination to places I was able to see with my mind, places that gave me a heartfelt serenity. With that special serenity other emotions filled me with a sovereign truthfulness helping me to conquer the illness which bears down upon me. The illness of depression and anxiety eradicated any good thoughts that I tried so hard to keep cloistered into a small bundle of calmness. Yet as the years continue in my life, I have been given insight into my goals. Everyone on this our world has set so many goals to reach in their lifetime. With each ing day a new goal becomes obtainable. Without our efforts what would we have to encourage us and give us a strength that will reap great rewards with the justification of love? We changed the clocks last night, eastern daylight savings time, spring ahead, fall back. Gil just left for home after our typical Sunday morning of coffee and a

friendly chat. Gil and Stephen can get into such very distinctive conversations, from ghosts at the town hall to the three stooges, and talking about how all the kids are doing. It’s just Stephen and I for dinner today. Michael has work at 11:30am and John is working today while Tina has a baton competition. John called last night to let us know that he wouldn’t be here today but he would be here next Sunday. I thanked him for calling to let us know and said we’d see him next weekend. My friend Sue just called. She is waiting for a nurse from the P.A.C.T. team to come and see her. Sue is not sure of the reason her nurse wants to get together. I wanted to ask Sue over for dinner but she had left her car at her brothers for him to do an oil change and check the brakes. She had no idea when the nurse would be arriving. All Sue knows is sometime after 10:00am. This could take all day. I called Carol last night to find out how Alisha my niece was doing. Alisha was in the hospital for four or five days on antibiotics because of her colon. Carol answered the phone and I asked how Alisha was. Carol said, “She’s home. The antibiotics worked and she is on a special diet. She is home with Keara.” Keara is Alisha’s daughter and my grand niece. Carol and I talked for awhile. I told her about sending our mother an Easter Card. I said, “Mom called me to thank me for the lovely card. She asked if I could come down to visit her. She said that Anne was so good to her. This is quite a change from the last time I spoke with her. I told her that I didn’t think it would be possible for me to come and visit with the situation the way it is with Anne and me. Mom then said that maybe one day she could come visit me. I didn’t respond. The last time I spoke to mom she mentioned that she and Anne were not getting along. So I don’t know what to think.” Carol asked me if mom ever asked for her or the kids. I said no she did not mention you or the kids. Carol became upset. I cannot really blame Carol. She feels like a disease that nobody wants to be near. I don’t know why my mother can’t think of all her children and grandchildren. I wish I could change things, but I know I cannot. It must be so hard to have to live with these emotions of family unity where there is none, or reconciliation and love where there is none. Shouldn’t a mother love all her children no matter the consequences that might get in the way? We need to love as Jesus loved, with no bitterness, or no resolution of justice, or

no disclaimers to love everyone unconditionally. This is true love. This is what our Heavenly Father taught us. If we take a peak back in our lives along with the life of Jesus we will be shown the love we seek. We will not be ostracized. We will be welcome with open arms. Isn’t this what we desire from everyone who experiences life with each new day and with each new dawn? When we are unsure never let us fail this life of giving and sharing the qualities of love we have been taught. My special places are now a continuation of how I pursue my life. Do I become depressed and anxious still? I must be truthful and say yes. There are so many thoughts flexing themselves in my mind. As to pursuing my life, I want to be filled with momentous times in which I feel spiritual towards our Heavenly Father. There have also been times in which my imagination links my mind to past and future events that will guide me in my pursuit of happiness, love, wisdom, and harmony. These emotions will fill me with an abundant, glorious treasure. A treasure does not necessarily have a perfect function, for nothing in life is perfect only God. There are those in life who try to gain the ability of perfection. Some may be in search of perfection their whole life through. But I feel as long as we can continue to struggle through the imaginations of all our special places, they will some how discern themselves. They will give to us a place to bond, whether in spirit or in our pursuit of life’s happiness. Stephen and I played a game of scrabble today. Stephen won by two points. It was a good game. In the mail I received a magazine from AuthorHouse. I went through it and found an ment for my book. I can’t wait to show Caity. I also want to show Dr. Figman when I see him tomorrow. I am wondering if he has had a chance to read my book yet. I am also hoping that my second book, “My Special Place, Today” will be in print soon. I haven’t received any first print for me to go through and edit any changes I want to make. I am getting anxious about it. Maybe I can call AuthorHouse about “My Special Place, Today.” I have also been working on a third sequel which will make my books a trilogy. My life as I know it continues to progress in a way that helps me to connect my emotions with a leverage, giving me highs and lows. Yes, I am working with my psychiatrist having outpatient ECT treatments on a weekly basis. Will this weekly treatment give me a new understanding of myself? I see myself as a new me. A me that acknowledges my special places where I can go and feel safe, I can feel adequate, I can feel important about who I am, no longer fearful and

scared of who I thought would unbalance my independence. I see Dr. Figman at his new Raynham office today. His move to Raynham will be about ten minutes away from me. I mentioned to him that I think the ECT treatments are doing well. I asked him if he had a chance to read my book. He said that he did read it. I did not ask as to whether he liked it or not. I guess I was afraid of the answer. The weather today is cold. They are saying we might get snow flurries after midnight. By Friday they are saying the weather should be in the fifties. Spring is only a couple of weeks away but being in New England the weather can still be surly. Being spring is no indication that we won’t have snow anymore. In fact spring can be quite obstinate as to what we are blessed with. I was awake at about 4:30am but I told myself that I would get up in a few minutes. I ended up falling back to sleep to hear a banging sound. I looked at the clock to see it was 5:00am. So up out of bed and into the shower I went. Stephen made breakfast when I came downstairs. I found that the banging sound was Stephen splitting a log for the woodstove. I hope to give myself a push today. Yesterday I slept for three hours when I should have been typing more of my story and painting some of my sketches. Besides housework I have plenty to keep me busy. I just need to do it. I slept late again today. Again I was awake at 5:00am. I told myself I would just rest another five minutes and then it was 6:00am and Stephen was nudging me awake. I told him that if I’m not awake by 5:30 am. to please wake me at that time. Stephen is off to work and Michael has today off from work, so he’s sleeping in today. I have been on the computer all morning trying to complete my last sequel to my books. After getting up to date I decided to check my e-mail to see if I had any answers to some e-mails I sent out. The only e-mail I received was from Aimee. I wasn’t prepared for the message I received. Aimee as her old self was telling me how she was in financial straits again. So many times Stephen and I have helped her out of bad situations. This is my daughter, what am I going to do as a mother. What will Stephen do when he finds out about the situation? Will there ever be a time when Aimee will learn responsibility and independence? Aimee did say that if I said no she would totally understand. But being a mother it is my responsibility to be there for her. I called her up on her cell phone. I told

her that I would help but if I do help I want Aimee to this moment when she finally has a family and they need help. all the times that her father and I have been there for her. If this is one thing she learns it will make me happy. I have informed Stephen of Aimee’s request. He’s definitely upset and not for helping. He sees it as another instance as in past instances that Aimee has needed our help. He feels that Aimee will pay us back for awhile but that she will eventually stop because of some other kind of problem. I became angry. I worked out some stipulations along with a personal contract for Aimee and Sean to sign. As I was talking to Stephen he cut me off as he always does because as usual someone’s coming or he has a meeting. He never gives me the time to explain my points of view. He makes excuses why my way about this isn’t going to work. No matter what I have to say at anytime Stephen will cut me off. I feel like I am not capable of making decisions because of my mental incapacity. It’s always down inside me hiding and wondering when it will happen again. What can I say? Nothing. I am nobody. This episode is making me very angry and depressed. I have been thinking of what has transpired with the situation of Aimee and Sean. Yes, Aimee needs help again. Instead of getting angry at Stephen for feeling the way he does, I should try to understand. Many times we have bailed Aimee out. Now she needs our help again. I let Stephen get under my skin because he is trying to be practical with Aimee’s situation. And me, well I’m wringing my hands, “poor Aimee. She needs our help.” I see Debbie today at noon. I haven’t any idea what I will talk about today. I guess I will play it by ear as the expression goes. I was not in a very talkative mood today. I expressed my worries about Aimee and Sean. I so want them to work their finances out on their own. I know that every time I help I am only enabling them. When I think back on all the times I have helped Aimee, I think about myself at her age. When I needed help there was no one who offered to help me financially. Maybe because I had to struggle and learn by struggling is why I am so willing to help my children. Then I think of Stephen and he grew up pretty much the same way. His years of growing up were a constant struggle. Yet Stephen sees the necessity of letting Sean and Aimee learn to struggle and to learn to become responsible adults. This knowledge does not lessen my worry.

I just came home from seeing Debbie. As I was leaving her office I ran into Dr. Karlin. He stopped and asked how I was doing. He said that he heard I was in the hospital lately. I said yes and I am now having weekly ECT treatments. He asked if I had ECT’s in the past. I said, “Yes but they always stopped them as soon as I was feeling better and eventually I would fall back into my depression. Now as soon as I am feeling better they will go to every other week and then to once a month on a permanent maintenance plan.” Dr. Karlin asked who my doctor was and I said Dr. Alesker and Dr. Young. He told me they were good doctors and that he liked them. I said, “Yes I like them also. They are both good listeners and they seem to understand me. So he wished me well and I was on my way. I mentioned to him that I would give Sue a copy of my book for him. He said, “Thank-you I look forward to reading it.” After having spoken with Aimee about the way I wanted things to go Aimee asked, “Please call me if Dad is angry about helping. I don’t want to do it if he’s mad. I promise that we will never stop paying every month, but I don’t want Dad to be mad at you.” Stephen had to wake me up this morning. It was 5:30 am. I was in and out of sleep throughout the night. I know it’s all this stress. I cannot take any kind of stress lately. After showering and dressing I came downstairs for breakfast. Then Stephen and I sat down with our morning coffee. I ended up falling back to sleep, waking up as it was time for Stephen to leave for work. Once he left I slept until 8:00 am. I just swept the floors downstairs and put the laundry in. I checked my e-mail but I haven’t heard anything from my publisher. I’ve sent out two e-mails now. I suppose I should try again this afternoon. Aimee should be calling me sometime today. I told her I would be home all day. Stephen is going along with my decision even though he has misgivings. I pray that Aimee and Sean stick to their end of the bargain. I need Aimee to prove she can do this, to prove she is growing up, that she can be responsible. I so much want things to click. I love my children and want to be there for them. Yet I don’t want my help to be a deterrent to their learning responsibility. Aimee and Sean need to grow up. They can’t keep expecting us to come to their rescue. Stephen is upset and I fully understand. He grew up in a family who had nothing. There was no flush toilet, no television, and heat only by a woodstove, everyone worked on the family farm. Times were difficult to say the least. Stephen learned to save every penny

he ever received. All his neighbors had all the things Stephen’s family did without. Stephen re going over to a neighbor’s to watch television. Stephen became a scrounger. He learned things the hard way. When Stephen and I married years later and had a family, our children did not do without. Everything they needed they received. Sports, music lessons, scouting, a home with all the intricacies a home should have. I look back today and question whether or not our children had to sacrifice growing up as we did. Were they shown that to sacrifice teaches responsibility? Our children today do not have to sacrifice. I just received a call from Aimee. She has today off from work. She mentioned that she had an eye infection with her s because of allergies. I told her that she should start wearing glasses because she can’t afford s anymore. I told her that I used to wear s when I was younger but I had to stop because of the cost and so must Aimee. I hope she listens to me. Sometimes I feel as though I am talking to myself. This morning I received a call from Maryanne the head of the Sacred Heart Thrift Store. She asked if I would like to them again this year. I told her I would be very interested in volunteering. They will be meeting next Wednesday after the 8:00am mass. She said after mass we would all meet at the parish offices for coffee. I told Maryanne that I would definitely be there. I thanked her for calling me. Maybe volunteering once a week will help me become active again. I have not been very active lately. Actually I have not been active since my hospitalization. I’ve been going to church. I’ve stopped my daily walking. The only thing I still do is write in my journal and that has not been daily. Some days I do some sketches and sometimes I paint but not very often. Stephen has been trying very hard to help me stay active. It’s just that some days I feel like a lost soul, with no one to depend upon, no one to help me. I need to learn to reason with my unforgiving thoughts. Having ideas of unforgiving thoughts fills me with death and despair. What is life if you are lost? Where is life’s happiness, life’s fond memories? Are there fond memories to bring strength to the weak? Many of us seek all our lives for a free heart, a heart that will spout like a geyser filled with hope, glory, and eternal love. Tomorrow I am scheduled for my weekly ECT treatment. I need to be at Caritas

Norwood by 6:45 am. I am hoping that after tomorrow I will be scheduled for every other week. I feel that I have reached a point where I can move ahead somewhat. Eventually I hope to reach a point in my treatment that will be once a month. My depression seems to be going up and down because of all the stress with Aimee and Sean. So my ECT’s haven’t moved further apart yet. This last hospitalization though has taught me that ECT treatments do not have to stop, especially where they prove to have a considerable change with my mind. With the writings in my journal, my wish is to reach out to people who have suffered as I have suffered. To have people learn of mental illness and how to find ways of overcoming this internal illness of the mind. Yes, ECT treatments have always proved a positive endeavor. Instead of trials and tribulations of the mind, a course of ECT’s helps me see many ill thoughts in a different light. My conscious thoughts instead of being twisted and gnarled in a complicated puzzle or maze, may help me search my way to an open exclamation of truth. Truth may not always be good or always be bad, but truth is the essence of how my internal thoughts help me to deal with my daily life. ECT treatments do not work for everyone and if they don’t work for some it doesn’t make it the end of the line. Today there are many ways to help people with mental illness. When life strikes us, we know not what to expect, so much gets thrown our way. Life can be like a giant whirlwind swirling about wreaking havoc with everything in its path. Life can also be as calm and quiet as the setting of the evening sun. I realize that life can never be the way we wish, for that is not reality. But if we can learn how to deal with the hard knocks we receive, maybe we will become a stronger individual. Life is in a flux of constant change.

Chapter Fourteen

I WAS IN A VERY violent mood last night. I acted just like my mother. I started yelling, what I consider yelling. It was towards Stephen because of the issue with Aimee and Sean. Stephen doesn’t trust them to pay off the consolidation loan. Stephen says if we cosign we become responsible if they stop payments. I have talked to Aimee over considerable time telling her the seriousness of this issue. She has given me her word. Stephen is challenging the validity of her promise. I have accepted her promise. Stephen and I got into a big argument over this. I just let all the anger in me go flying out like a flock of wild geese. After I was finished I became silent and refused to give Stephen the kindness to even look at him. The things I said were cutting remarks. I said things like, “You never let me finish what I have to say no matter what it is. You always have to cut me off in mid-sentence. I feel like you don’t even love me.” I started to cry. Stephen tried to get me to let him apologize but I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction. I went upstairs to read without even eating supper. I didn’t sleep well either. I kept waking up all night. Stephen woke me this morning at 5:00am because I was having an ECT treatment today, and I had to be at Caritas Norwood by my usual 6:45am. Stephen talked to me. He apologized to me for getting upset. As we were getting ready to leave, Stephen went out to warm up the car. I happened to get my ECT paperwork out of my purse and noticed that it wasn’t until next Friday for the ECT. I ran out to tell Stephen that the appointment wasn’t today. I apologized. I told him I had seen the time but never checked the date. So we went inside and had coffee and breakfast. Stephen called Gerry to come pick him up because he didn’t need to take me to Norwood. I guess I am at a point where it is every other week now. This makes me somewhat happy. I feel so guilty for all the things I said last night. I need to find some way of making it up to Stephen. He takes my being nasty as part of my mental illness. I feel that I am becoming my mother. I just need to look in the mirror and there she is looking back at me with a grimace on her face. I was so depressed yesterday and also today. Since I am not having an ECT I will be by myself all day.

I gave Stephen a kiss when he left for work. I had a phone call from Carol this morning. She said she was staying home from work today because she was feeling sick again. Carol told me that she had an appointment with Dr. Gross at 2:30pm. I told her to stop by for a coffee after her appointment. She said if she was contagious she wouldn’t be able to come. We must have talked for at least an hour. We talked about the kids and their money habits and problems. It just seems that the kids today have things too easy. They’ve never learned any kind of responsibility. Carol said she’s having problems with Alisha as Stephen and I are with Aimee. I guess I’ve been too busy helping my kids when they need it instead of letting them struggle through things and get a lesson in life. I guess lessons in life have to come to us all. Sometimes life sucks, to put it mildly. Aimee just called me from work. Things have changed. It seems that Sean’s plan of leaving for San Diego at the end of May has now changed to April 24th. This makes everything more difficult. Besides losing a month, Sean will be given six days to get himself to San Diego once he gets his orders. Aimee needs to start packing, find movers or put their household items in storage, get her car repaired so it can make the trip to San Diego. This all takes time, something they don’t have much of. I talked to Aimee about driving her car back here and then getting Sean’s car once it’s repaired to drive it to San Diego. Aimee could leave her car here for us to sell. Aimee mentioned that she doesn’t want to drive her car up here by herself. She said that she is scared driving by herself. This is something that would bother me also. I get filled with anxiety when I am driving on my own. I guess Sean talked to his foster parents and they said that they will sell his car up here, so there goes any plans of using his car. Stephen and I talked to Aimee about taking her car to the Saturn dealer down in Pensacola and getting it repaired so her and Sean will be able to drive her car to San Diego. We told Aimee that we would help as far as repairing the car but we could not give them any more money after this. My nerves are in shock with all this worry about Aimee’s financial problems and also her emotional problems. I talked to Marilyn, Stephens sister about it. I told her how much we’ve helped Aimee and Sean in the past and we cannot continue to give them money to pay their bills. This past year Stephen and I have helped

Aimee in many things and we added up the debt that we gave to Aimee and Sean. We told them that they did not have to pay it back. It was a substantial amount of money. We thought that they would learn responsibility with our help but now it has become just as bad as before. They just got themselves into debt all over again, to the point that they have exceeded their credit card limits again. Aimee told me that she tried to get a consolidation loan but she was refused because her credit is so bad. Marilyn told me that we have to start using tough love. It is the only way they will learn. I just feel so guilty. Sean and Aimee need to become responsible for their own lives and their own mistakes. They will finally have to do everything on their own. We as parents must deal with the situation as concerned parents who only want the best for their children. We want them to learn and this will be a difficult hard challenge for them. As far as having a special place at this moment in time I cannot find one. A special place has always given me peace and hope. Hope to live out my life without anger and frustration. I need to believe that there are people in this world of ours who listen to those in need and try to show understanding to help those depressed with mental illness. I am not faring well this morning. I am over anxious about speaking to Aimee. Stephen is right we cannot keep bailing her out. There is only one way to learn and that is tough love. I’m afraid Aimee is going to get angry and hang-up before hearing us out. We both love her, yet there is only so much we can do. How else can we make her learn? Lessons in life are always hard. I can ask her to pray to God for his help, but at the same time she must be aware that God will answer but not always the way we expect. Stephen is right; we cannot keep going on forever. Aimee has lost our trust in past experiences with our bailing her out. She promised back then to pay her bills that I had cosigned but as in typical Aimee fashion the bills became overbearing. She would stop paying her consolidation loan because she made outstanding limits on her charge cards and debit card. I was supposed to get up for mass this morning. Stephen woke me up for mass but I was too sleepy. He asked, “How about we go next Sunday?” I said, “Yes.” Within five minutes I was back to sleep. I finally dragged myself out of bed around 7:00am. If I really wanted to I could have been ready for church but I

hesitated in going. I just haven’t felt motivated. I just have no energy to do things. I should ask Debbie and Dr. Figman if it’s because I have stopped taking one of my meds. I am thinking of a special place. Going to church can be a special place. There I can pray for my marriage. I can pray for my children. Our Savoir can open up my eyes to see his way. As I pray I see God’s hand held out to me. I just need faith in him. I need to put my hand in his and we shall walk together. Together shall we walk the trek he has planned for me? My journey will not be easy as it is not easy for all individuals. As individuals we are tested through God, Our Father. But God will not give to us what we cannot handle. As long as we keep our hand in his, he shall guide us continually. I must have faith. I sat and had coffee and breakfast with Stephen. We discussed Aimee some more. Stephen has been making an itemized list of what we have paid to help her out in the past year and a half. The amount was unbelievable, I can’t even mention it.. I won’t go into an itemized list but just tell her the total, unless she wishes to see an itemized list. Aimee will probably deny half of what we came up with but I can probably come up with more. So it must stop here and now. I cannot in good conscience strain the relationship of my marriage anymore than I have already done. Aimee is angry but she must be left to her own decisions. She does not want to listen to Stephen and I. She has made it adamant that she will do things as she has always done them. I did not sleep well last night. My thoughts were on Aimee. My worry is overwhelming. I haven’t heard from Aimee for two days now. I know she is angry with Stephen and I. We have decided that regardless of our love for Aimee we cannot in good conscience keep giving into her whims. I feel very depressed about this situation. I have talked to a number of people. I have been trying to vent my frustration. I feel as though I am not helping Aimee. Aimee just called me on the phone. When I answered, “Hi, how are you?” I had noticed it was Aimee on caller I.D. She said, “Fine.” I asked how her weekend went. She said, “Okay.” I asked if she was still mad at me. She replied, “No, why?” I said, “Because I haven’t heard from you all weekend.” Aimee said, “Well you know my cell phone is not working.” I answered, “Well you’ve used it

a couple of times to call us. I’m pretty depressed over this situation. I want you to know that I love you and we want things to work for you and Sean.” “Well you told me that you were going to help us.” I said, “Yes I did, but that was before I talked with Dad. Dad was very much against this because it’s so much money. We need to use tough love. I’m really depressed. I don’t know what to say. Are you going to talk to me anymore?” “Yes.” “Well you sound mad at me. We have offered to pay for the repair of the Saturn so you can at least get to San Diego. Does Sean know what base he’s going to yet?” “Yes, it’s Miramar.” I asked, “Is he looking into on base housing? Could you possibly get a job on base?” “I don’t know.” “Aimee just how much Dad and I have helped you. that I love you and so does Dad. Please call Dad and talk to him.” Aimee became angry and said, “Mom, I don’t want to hear anymore.” I was trying to help her all the things we’ve done for her over the past two years. I started to cry saying, “Aimee I don’t want to lose your love.” Aimee never called Stephen last night. She must be mad at him. She probably only called me because she was thinking she could work on my sentimental yearnings towards my children. I want so much to help them. I just can’t seem to face the facts that Stephen and I will not always be there. Also I cannot help Aimee more than the two boys and that is what is happening. Aimee is at a point in which she expects us to give into her hardships, no matter how hard they are. Aimee and Sean need to come to grips with their own problems. As Stephen has mentioned to Aimee on numerous occasions, make a budget and learn to stick to it.

Chapter Sixteen

Its Easter this Sunday and I must make mass. I shouldn’t make excuses. I know it’s been difficult because I was too lazy and not motivated. I was wrong in not attending mass. I must get back into my routines. I must ask for forgiveness in not attending mass. I cannot keep letting this depression rule me. I have a mind. I am able to think and reason. I know when I am wrong. When wrong I must seek reconciliation. This Friday when the nurses ask me to rate my depression from one to ten, ten being the worst, where will I be? I’m not sure at this moment. Right now I would guess a three or four. I am more depressed as of late with Aimee’s troubles. I need to try and calm down. I must try to relax. Tomorrow I see Debbie. I will vent to her. She already knows the problem with Aimee. She mentioned having a niece who is exactly like Aimee. I know I must be firm. I have been dreaming about Aimee out in the streets. She has no where to live, no job, bills she cannot pay. I feel mean and cruel. I hate feeling this way. Right now I am wondering if Aimee will call today. She says her cell phone is not working. I don’t want her to call from work because I don’t want her to get into trouble for talking on the phone. Maybe she can call when there is a slow period. I can only pray and hope. Tomorrow is Easter Sunday. I must get myself up to go to 8:00am mass. I have been too negligent about attending mass lately. I must get back to attending mass regularly. I have not been a good Christian of late.I am reminded of the meaning of Easter. Jesus suffered for all humanity. Through his suffering he freed our souls from the sins of mankind. Jesus struggled with his thoughts. I sometimes wonder if he felt the tribulation of depression. The strength of the father carried him through the pain of death to a special place, life. All I ask is that I be given the strength to handle any tribulation Christ hands my way. And may I grow in my heart and my soul. Today is Easter Sunday. I rousted myself out of bed up this morning and readied myself for mass along with Stephen. After mass we took a ride over to visit Gil and Danielle for a short time. Gil is always coming over to visit us so instead we

decided to visit them for a change. We visited for about an hour. Then we had to leave to start getting dinner ready. Stephen and I spoke with Aimee this morning. We wished her a Happy Easter. She is trying to find an apartment in San Diego for her and Sean. She is also trying to decide what she should do with her car or Sean’s car. She also needs to find a job once she arrives out there. I worry about the both of them. I really want things to work for them.. Aimee told me that she had mailed me all her bills and cut-up credit cards, but I haven’t received them yet. I told her to do this before Dad and I changed our mind about the loan. I told her I would pay the minimum of each bill and send her back her cut-up cards, even though they won’t do her any good. I had another dream last night about Aimee. This is the second night in a row. I dreamt that Aimee was pregnant and she had nothing to her name. She was penniless, and three thousand miles from home. I felt that I needed to help her. How could I in good conscience let her have a baby with nothing? I felt extremely guilty. I kept asking myself, what I was going to do. How could I help? What was I to do? We are supposed to get snow today. I hope it is not bad because I have my appointment with Debbie. If its bad out, I don’t know if I will try to drive or not. I really need to talk to Debbie. I need some . I just finished adding up Aimee’s bills, the ones she sent me. The minimum totaled more than I expected. I e-mailed Aimee letting her know how upset I was. I said, “How can you get yourself into a hole like this? I cannot understand why you did not learn anything from the last time I cosigned for you. It just shows that if we had cosigned a loan again, you would have had more money to spend just like now.” I am so depressed by all of this. My dreams of Aimee are so anxiety provoking. When I have ECT on Friday will I lie or tell the truth and maybe find myself back in the hospital. I do not want to be itted back into the hospital. I just spoke to Stephen and he thinks I need to see Debbie regardless of the snow. I don’t know if my talking to Debbie will really help the pain and anxiety I am in over Aimee. How do I deal with her? I am just utterly frustrated about this whole situation.

I also went on the internet to look up creative writing courses. I printed out a list, some are free on-line courses, some are seminars and others are twelve to thirteen week courses. You can specialize on some that have poetry and memoirs, etc. Stephen suggested I take a course to keep me busy during the day. I won’t feel comfortable attending a course but I may be able to do a course online. Tonight Stephen and I are to do our grocery shopping. We were supposed to go last night but I just wasn’t in the mood. I also was not feeling well. I promised Stephen that I would go tonight. I have to to deposit Michael’s rent in the bank. I told Sue that I’d stop by to visit after seeing Debbie. I told her that we could go out for a coffee. Sue and I talked briefly and it seems she drove herself to the emergency room because she has a sore on the bottom of the arch on her foot. She said that it is very painful. They told her it was just a blister. Sue also said her thigh was numb. Being a diabetic I don’t think this is a very good sign. I told Sue to call her diabetes doctor. I guess the hospital prescribed a medication for the pain but her therapist, Joy told her not to take it. According to Sue, Joy yelled at her and told Sue to call her doctor and get something else. Sue told me that she slept good last night which is a good step because she hasn’t been sleeping well. So many times I get upset with Sue because I will tell her something and she will not listen to me but if her therapist tells her the same Sue will listen. I just left my session with Debbie. She had an emergency phone call so I was about fifteen minutes late in seeing her. I cried when I told Debbie everything that’s been happening over the past two weeks, including my argument with Stephen. I talked all about Aimee and my utter frustration with her. I have been having nightmares about Aimee. With my depression and anxiety about Aimee, I just couldn’t control my emotions. I cried saying, “I don’t know what to do.” I’m so worried about her. The nightmares are terrible. As I was telling my nightmares to Debbie she began to cry. After Debbie calmed me down somewhat, I left to meet Sue for our coffee. As I was leaving to see Sue, Aimee called. I told her that I was on my way to see Sue and I said I would call her back when I arrived home. I picked up Sue and we went to Dunkin Donuts and had a coffee and a donut. I also stopped at the bank to deposit Michael’s rent. When Sue and I arrived back to her apartment I called Stephen to let him know where I was. He immediately asked what happened.

So I told him the situation. He said, “Aimee had called me three times. She was all worried about you. She thought you had to go into the hospital.” He said, “I will e-mail her to let her know where you are.” After leaving Sue’s to come home, I called Aimee at work and explained why I was late. She said, “I want to apologize to you about the way I have been acting lately.” I said, “Thank-you and know that I do love you.” She said, “I want to call you after I get home because I want to talk to you about a couple of things.” I told Aimee that Dad and I are going grocery shopping tonight but we should be home about 7:30pm. our time. A new day has begun. I did some activities this morning. I started on one of my pictures. After I worked about an hour, I went and worked on the computer for awhile. I was typing more of my journal. I talked to Stephen also. I guess he got an e-mail from Aimee. She was asking about Sean getting his car repaired instead of Aimee’s Saturn. So Stephen emailed her back, and he was not negative. He actually gave her a compliment on how she was doing trying to coordinate the move to San Diego. I pray things work out for Aimee and Sean. I just called Stephen at work again and he couldn’t talk because he was pretty busy. He asked if it was important. I said, “No.” So he said he would call me later. I’m nervous about my ECT tomorrow. I don’t want to be hospitalized. It’s all this worry about Aimee. I did not sleep well last night. I feel so tired. I have absolutely no energy. I hope I see Dr. Alesker tomorrow. Dr. Young was not my psychiatrist when I was itted to Caritas Norwood so I feel that he doesn’t really know me as well. Yet he does seem to be very personable. I think Dr. Alesker has more of an idea about who I am because she was my psychiatrist when I was itted to Caritas Norwood. Maybe she will go back on my ECT’s to once a week for a little while longer. I just received my new cell phone. I had to call to activate it. So it’s all set now. Aimee just called. She’s not sure what to do about Sean’s car and her car. I told her what Dad and I think. Because Sean’s car does not have Aimee’s name on it there is nothing she can do about getting it ed and repaired for driving. Sean would have to come up here to get this all set with his car. The only thing is he won’t have enough leave to do this. It seems that with everyday that es

Sean’s date for leaving changes along with the length of his leave. He has to be in San Diego within six days of his orders. So he and Aimee will have to leave for San Diego right away. The best thing for Aimee to do is to get her car repaired as we talked about with her so it will make the trip. I am sitting here thinking of how I feel. I’m depressed, there is no denying that. My heart is filled with worry, mostly about Aimee. Aimee has always been the type of person that will help and do things for her friends so they will like her. She has always given into her friends. In a way it kind of makes me see some of myself in her. I always wanted to please my friends, so they would like me. Right now I am thinking of special places. There have been many special places throughout my life. Some places have been physical places where I would go and imagine the most wonderful things I could think. It would be a place that others didn’t know about. Places where I could soul search. Then there were places of my mind. Places I would imagine, where I could go and be in solitude and peace. Then there were my books. I love to read, mainly the classics. As I read I could picture myself as one of the characters. I would feel their feelings throughout the story. Sometimes I found them to be courageous people, people who would never give up no matter the outcome. I used to tell myself that maybe one day I could be a courageous person. But as my life continues I have yet to find the courage I need to make my way through life. One thing I should think about is what I see in other people. When I look at people I try to notice their eyes. Many times as soon as our eyes meet I immediately look down at my feet. I feel frightened. I feel that that particular person saw me for what I was. They saw the challenges that I never conquered. That’s me a person who easily gives up on themselves. When I see people’s eyes that don’t notice me I see many things. In some people I see loneliness because they are afraid as I am to face others. They want to face others but there is too much fear. Then there are people who look sad. I think about sadness as never having received love, but every with someone isn’t necessarily a negative look. There are happy people also. Their eyes shine and glitter. You think, that someday may be a happy one for me. I have always heard that the eyes are the windows of the soul. So many emotions fill our souls, yet there are emotions we don’t have the courage to face. Why do so many people feel this way? I can’t answer for them or for myself. I can only pray to God to give me the courage I need to someday face my maker. Then I shall be

filled with a wondrous happiness.

Chapter Seventeen

I HAD MY ECT YESTERDAY. The nurse talked to me about how I was feeling. She could tell I was anxious and depressed. I ended up telling her about Aimee and her financial problems. I said that Aimee keeps coming to us to help her out but we have drawn the line. I mentioned having nightmares about Aimee living in the streets of San Diego. The nurse said she would have the doctor talk to me. So just before my ECT, Dr. Young talked to me and asked me how things were going. I told him the same thing as I told the nurse. He asked if I wanted to go back to ECT’s on a weekly basis for a few more weeks, instead of every other week. I told him that I wanted to stay with every other week. He also asked that if my daughter really needed some help would I be there to help her. I had to think about it a few minutes but I finally said that I would probably help her even though my promise to my husband was that I wouldn’t give in to Aimee’s problems anymore. The next thing I was off to sleep. Its funny when I wake up it’s like I never had an ECT. The nurses tell me, “Your ECT is all done” It’s like it never happened. I feel very alert. Sometimes I may feel a slight headache but not often. Yesterday, when Stephen brought me home from ECT, I came in the house and slept most of the day. I think I woke up in time for Star Trek Voyager. I just really enjoy Star Trek. It doesn’t matter whether it’s the original Star Trek, Star Trek Deep Space Nine, Star Trek the Next Generation or Star Trek Voyager. Stephen came home but neither one of us were hungry. I had a bowl of cereal for lunch and after that I just wasn’t hungry. Stephen and I went and did some errands this morning. We went to our bank to ask for new debit cards, because we have found some payments on our statement

that neither Stephen nor I had anything to do with. The banker of customer service said it would take a couple of weeks to get the cards in the mail. She cut up our old cards. We told her that we had been charged on magazines we never subscribed to. Now with a new debit card no one will know our new pin number. I just wish it wouldn’t take so long. Stephen and I will have to use cash or checks until we receive our new cards. Stephen went into the woods with Max to check on his firewood. He hasn’t come back yet. I fell asleep for an hour. I’m just tired today. I do have to make dessert for dinner tomorrow. The only guests I know will be coming is John and Tina. Megan will be with her Dad. Michael has to work every Sunday. Aimee is still in Pensacola trying to get everything ready in order to move to San Diego with Sean. I hope she can get everything done in time. When John and Tina came over they were excited about a townhouse they put a deposit on in Bridgewater. It’s only ten minutes away from our house. They’re both very excited about it. They asked if we would like to go look at it when dinner was finished so we agreed. It was in a very nice location. The area was in a cul-de-sac with surrounding townhouses. It’s right by Bridgewater State College. Bridgewater is a very nice town and has a good reputation. John said they were hoping to find out tomorrow as to whether they’re offer was accepted. With this recession lately it seems harder for young people to purchase first time homes. The banks are being very cautious. Then Stephen had me watch a biography on Eleanor Roosevelt. I found it very interesting. Even though she suffered with depression she did many things for our nation, from civil rights, to helping the poor, and helping to start the United Nations. These are just a few of the things she did during her life. She died on Nov.7, 1962; all flags were at half mast because of her greatness she gave to our country throughout her life. I think by Stephen having me watch biographies of famous people who suffered with depression throughout their life helps me to see that my life is not hopeless. There have been many famous people who suffered with depression such as; Eleanor Roosevelt (wife to Franklin Roosevelt), Winston Churchill (Prime minister), James Taylor (singer/song writer) Ernest Hemingway (Author), Abraham Lincoln (16th President) and Buzz Aldrin (Astronaut) to name a few. Stephen and I came home and picked up around the house a little bit. Next I worked on some of my pictures. Stephen and Max went into the woods again

today to cut down some trees for this coming winter. Stephen’s place of employment is having some March Madness Party at work tomorrow. I guess it has to do with Basketball. Stephen has to bring in a food item. I suggested Spinach Balls because they are always a hit at parties. So I had to drive over to Stop & Shop this morning and pick up some of the ingredients needed for the recipe. I mixed everything together so now I just have to chill the mixture before rolling them into balls. I told Stephen he can do this part of it. Tomorrow I need to call my publisher about ordering some more of my books, “My Special Place.” I am also supposed to be hearing about my latest book with the publishing team to discuss the cover, any changes, and talk about what I wrote about the book, about the author, and the acknowledgements. I can’t wait to get my book into print. Hopefully I will have it available at my book g for “My Special Place.” I woke up this morning to Stephen bringing in wood for the woodstove. I kept listening to him and finally I got myself out of bed, showered and dressed for the day. It’s Gerry’s turn to drive this week. Stephen took Max onto the back deck and hooked him on his run. We are hoping he won’t bark because he won’t see anybody. All of this has happened because of the neighbors complaining to the Dog Officer. We came home from church yesterday to find a complaint stuck on our door. Max can be annoying with his constant barking. I even get angry at him. Stephen wants me to go to Petco to see if I can get a collar that gives a shock every time the dog barks. I hope that I am able to find one. Well I set off for Petco. When I arrived they had just opened. I asked a clerk if they carried an electrically charged collar that gives the dog a shock when it starts barking. The clerk said that Petco did not carry them. I was bummed because Max can be very annoying with his incessant barking. The Grapes of Wrath is on TV starring Henry Fonda. I will always the movie and the novel by John Steinbeck. It was very sad. When I watch it I always think about my father’s family in Oklahoma. They never got kicked off their land but I know things were pretty desperate for a time.

I have noticed Stephen lately not having the spunk he normally has when he does anything around the house. He has to slow down. There was a time in which he would work all day long. I think age is catching up with him. He’s 63 yrs. old, two more years to retirement. I know he doesn’t want to retire because it’s like giving up to Stephen. He’s always seen himself able to do most anything but that is changing and I guess it seems humiliating, knowing your losing that unlimited strength you once had. While I was sitting on the sofa this morning I had fallen asleep spilling my hot coffee all over me and the sofa. I had to remove the couch cover to wash and I had to go upstairs to change my clothes. I have done this on numerous occasions and I get very agitated with myself when this happens. I don’t like falling off to sleep this way. Sue has a half day today. I was thinking of inviting her over for a Dunkin Donuts coffee. I also need to pick up some cash for grocery shopping tonight, since Stephen and I are still waiting for our debit cards. Aimee called last night. She showed Stephen and me the apartment she is interested in on the internet. It’s Spanish décor. Aimee likes it for it has a swimming pool. She is working on the move to San Diego. She has quite a bit to do for the move out to San Diego. Aimee was saying that Sean wants to come home for a leave to see his friends and family before moving out west. Once they move out there we probably won’t see them for some time. I’m sure that a trip back here will be very costly. I hope that Sean is able to get his car repaired and on the road while he is home that’s if he is able to get a leave. I am hoping that they are learning all about bills and finances. This is Stephens and my big wish for them. I just received a phone call from the WINGS program at Sacred Heart. Their first meeting will be on April 1st at 9:15am at the Father Shea Center. I am going to try and make it. Hopefully I will do well and be able to discuss subjects with the groups after the speaker finishes their spiritual topic. I am nervous when I think about going. I ask Jesus to give me his strength and enlightenment when it comes to my ability for communication. I feel the need to use verbal communication. So now I am a volunteer at the thrift store and maybe a member of the WINGS program. WINGS; stands for Women in God’s Spirit. I am very anxious about

doing these things for the church. Maybe I will be blessed with the wisdom of God and inspired to write in God’s Spirit on inspirational poetry. I ask the help of our Savoir to guide me towards the blessings of the Holy Father. It’s so unusual for me to search on the internet for any of my old teachers from Mater Dei Academy. I was so curious as to whether anyone was still living at the old convent in Brockton. I didn’t know what I was going to do when I found anyone still living. I think I was being led by Jesus to search them out as a part of my healing process, to get in with them. When I found Sr. Eugenia and Mercedes I felt thrilled but I also felt alarmed because I wasn’t sure of my next move. So I decided to email Sr. Eugenia as it is easier for me to her through the internet and not by telephone. By phone I would have to talk and I was not sure how I would do. Since ing them I have been thinking of them very often. I have promised to meet with her and Mercedes to take them out to lunch sometime soon. I still need to connect with Sr. Eugenia and Mercedes. I have been so busy that I cannot seem to find the time which is good for us all. Upon waking this morning my finger nails were in terrible pain from biting them so often. I have the stress block from Stephen but I haven’t been using it. I need to use it. I need to carry it with me. I unconsciously find myself biting my nails right down to the quick. They are so sore this morning. I haven’t been able to bite them because they are so sore. I know that once they stop being sore I will be biting them again. I am so self conscious about people seeing my nails. I wonder what they must think of me. To do this to myself is crazy. I create pain and I cannot seem to stop. I will be calling Sue in a few minutes. Today is a half day for her. She has decided not to do her water aerobics because of the sore she still has on her foot along with the numbness of her leg. These are not good signs for a diabetic. I keep telling her to make an appointment with her diabetes doctor, but she keeps making excuses. Sometimes Sue makes me so flustered, especially when she won’t listen to me. I only tell her these things because I care about her. I will always Sue as the first and only person to become my friend at Pathways. It’s been about fourteen years now and we still remain friends. Yes. I lose my patience at times, but I try to help Sue when things are not going her way. Stephen and I just arrived back from Market Basket. We did not get our new

debit cards yet so I had to write a check for our groceries. We should get our cards sometime this week. On our way home from Market Basket I called John to see how he made out with his deposit on the townhouse in Bridgewater. We haven’t heard anything so we’re really curious. I hope they get it. My fingers are crossed. I so want them in their own home. Well the groceries are all put away and I am sitting here journaling with a nice cup of hot coffee. This time I better not spill it all over me as I did this morning. I heard that we are in for some snow tonight. I don’t think it will be bad because it’s going to be in the 50’s tomorrow. Marilyn called today. She and Dave are in Abington for a few days before they leave for Aruba. I invited them down for supper tomorrow when Stephen gets home from work. Normally we don’t think about how boring our lives can be, but if we stop for a minute and think about our daily rituals we assume and follow, we find that life can be very mundane and unassuming. I have never been a person full of life. For me reading a book, doing crafts, cooking, and housework are the things that make up my life.

Chapter Eighteen

BY LIVING MY LIFE THROUGH major depression there have been many instances by which I cry out to Our Lord. I ask for his guidance and mercy. I don’t find excitement and happiness in my everyday life. Yet there are times that these emotions might be experienced even just a tad. Often times I ask myself if I were a member of God’s community how would I act? I can sit as I am now, feeling thoughts and impressions which do not shed light on my trail through existence. Throughout my life, I have always been an immensely shy individual. I lack many traits which I see as a crowning glory in many individuals. I have always wanted the ability to reach out to others who are lacking in many personality traits. I want to rise up in ecstasy of God’s unfettered majesty of love, friendship and the unreachable beyond of life’s greatness. I want this not only for myself but for all individuals who suffer as I have suffered. This morning I made a call to Dr. Gross’ office for an appointment. Yesterday and again today I have been feeling quite dizzy. When I get up off a chair, out of bed, bend over to pick something up, my head starts swimming and I feel like I am going to fall over. I was able to get an appointment this afternoon for 1:15pm. While I was waiting to leave for my appointment I watched a movie that Stephen had recommended to me. It was called Gosford Park. It was about the upper English class society who come together with their servants and how everyone deals with their lives. During the movie a murder takes place and Stephen wanted me to try and figure out who did it because he thinks I’m pretty good at figuring out things like this. Towards the end of the movie I had an idea but I never figured out why the murder happened. After the movie I went for my appointment to see Dr. Gross. The first thing he said when he saw me was how much he enjoyed my book. He told me that he feels he understands me better now, knowing all the things I went through in my life. I thanked him and said he was very kind and generous. He said that the

book was very well written and he couldn’t put it down once he started reading it. Next we talked about my being dizzy. He asked me several questions such as; “Am I nauseous. Is my vision blurry, when do I get dizzy, do I find my heart racing?” I told him that it was just the dizziness and sometimes my vision blurs for a second. I also told him that when I get dizzy I feel as though my head is swimming. He checked my blood pressure, my throat, listened to my chest and lungs, and checked my ears. He finally said that I had a middle ear infection. He wrote me a prescription for an antibiotic. I am to take one three times a day for ten days. He said to call him if it gets worse. I thanked him and was on my way home but before that I made a stop at the pharmacy to drop off my prescription. When I arrived home I called Stephen to let him know what Dr. Gross had to say about his diagnosis. I told him that I didn’t feel comfortable driving because I had felt dizzy a couple of times while driving. Stephen told me to wait for him to come home and he would take me to pick up my prescriptions. Stephen said that would not be a problem. He could drive me until the dizziness subsided. I couldn’t talk long because Stephen was getting ready to go to a meeting. It seems that he has been going to several meetings over the past few months. I guess work is pretty intense with all the meetings and not having enough time to complete his engineering tasks. I know he is under a lot of pressure and stress. While I was checking my e-mail, I received a call from Sean. I wasn’t surprised because Aimee had told me that he was going to call. I asked how the Marines were treating him. I asked if he and Aimee will be coming home soon when he finishes school. He said that he wasn’t sure of when he would be getting a leave to come home but he really misses home a lot. He thanked me for the cell phone I had bought for him. I asked how his foster parents were doing and how his mother was doing. I told Sean that I think of his mother often. I do because I feel we have something in common because Sean’s Mom has Bi-Polar Disorder. I feel as though I can feel her pain. She lost Sean when he was eight years old. I don’t think I could have survived losing a child to foster care. Sean said he couldn’t wait to come home for a couple of weeks and I told him I couldn’t wait to see them both. He had to leave, so I said, “I’ll see you soon. A little later in the day I received another call from Aimee. She had the day off from work. She talked about trying to plan the trip to San Diego. She said that she and Sean had a lot of things to do. They were thinking of putting their

furniture in storage for a month until they find an apartment. Then Aimee needs to find a job. She’s been looking on-line for apartments. She e-mailed one to show Stephen and myself. It’s a little pricey, but from what I’ve heard about San Diego, it can be quite costly. I guess Sean will be on Miramar Marine Base. I hope things start turning around for them financially. They both have a lot to learn yet. I haven’t eaten lunch today, although I did manage breakfast, a bowl of cereal and my everyday banana. When Stephen gets home tonight he’s going to make Sloppy Joes. I am sitting here on the sofa waiting for Star Trek Voyager to begin. I have about an hour. I still enjoy science fiction and fantasy as well as true stories. It is officially spring in New England and this past week we have actually enjoyed some nice weather. The past few days have been in the 50’s. The Peepers are out. They have a very distinct sound almost like locust amass. They are a tree frog native to this area with wetlands all over parts of New England. They are usually one of the first signs of spring in New England. You can hear them at dusk and dawn every day in the spring. As winter grows nigh the peepers burrow under the muddy soil and sleep until spring. We’ve also seen a bluebird. We usually don’t see too many in the area. Also we’ve seen some red headed woodpeckers. In our garden we are seeing the irises, tiger lilies, and daffodils popping up through the soil. It’s nice to know that spring is on its way. I am sitting here now trying to feel my thoughts as they are adrift in my mind. There seems to be nothing tangible, nothing I can get a grip on, I feel frustration amidst havoc. There is so many times in which I feel that my mind cannot stabilize because of many confusing issues whirling about. The mind is such an ominous contrivance that holds such a myriad of emotions. There are the good emotions from love, ion, kindness, and trust. Then we have the bad emotions from anger, hate, fear and animosity which are just a few of the emotions we might feel. As an individual, being able to understand and deal with a menagerie of feelings so different and yet so similar is hard to grasp. Feelings can work together or they can work against each other. Depression is like this. It can work against your innermost thoughts destabilizing you to a form of self hatred. Everything to do with your thoughts starts collapsing around you. You lose energy, hope, motivation, communication, and the ability to act. I have been at different points in my life several times over. These intervals of

my major depression are fighting a battle. One is a battle to gain control of my understanding, to conquer these thoughts of self annihilation. To end my fight would be to give up, to deny myself the right to learn control. I must take a good look at myself in the mirror. I must ask myself; do I see a fighter or a loser? A loser just gives up, it’s the easy out but the fighter never gives up. Yes the fighter will fall into traps deep within the inner self. They have found ways to counter balance depressions attack on human dignity. We, all people deserve dignity. Dignity is the one emotion that gives us hope, honor, love, and the realization to think. If we have to struggle throughout our life to gain human dignity, so we must. No one should be denied the dignity of the human spirit. I have found myself sleeping more than normal. I usually do not sleep during the day and yet for a few weeks now I lie down on the sofa and fall asleep. After 2 or 3 hours I wake up still feeling tired. I don’t know if it’s my depression that’s making me so tired. I have no energy whatsoever. I just don’t care at all. Being over tired and not caring about myself or anyone else are definite signs of depression. I’m taking my antibiotics for my ear infection but I don’t think they’re making me sleep because I just started the antibiotics yesterday. I would call and talk to Stephen but he’s been too busy lately. I woke up late this morning. I was rather dizzy as I went to stand up. I actually had to hold onto our bed for about ten minutes until I got my balance. I prepared myself for the day and went downstairs to have breakfast and coffee with Stephen. I did some cleaning downstairs then Barbara and Doug came over for our ritual of Saturday morning coffee and chat time. This morning they came bearing gifts. Barbara had a 9 x 12inch watercolor pad for me which was great since I just finished the pad I was working on. She also presented me with a cross made by a palm from Palm Sunday. I guess she has an elderly friend who enjoys making them. They also brought a couple of bundles of newspapers for starting the woodstove. Also they had some old pictures of Stephens’s days during stock car racing. They brought back memories for Stephen. When Stephen and I met he was still into stock car racing. Stephen’s stock car racing did not last long after we met. I had to excuse ourselves from Doug and Barbara because I had a 10:30am hair appointment and Stephen needed to drive me because I was still feeling dizzy from the inner ear infection. Stephen dropped me off and I asked him to pick me up at about 11:45am. I guess Aimee called while I was having my hair done so she talked to her Dad. While I was having my hair done Jeanne my hairdresser

mentioned reading my book and Laura read it also. They both said they could relate to some of the things when they were growing up. They both enjoyed the book greatly. I thanked them profusely. I also mentioned that my sequel will be in print shortly. I said I would make sure they both receive a copy. Stephen and I just finished some errands. While we were taking a left onto Rt. 140 we saw Carol sitting at the traffic light. Stephen and I were going left so Stephen rolled down the window and we both started waving our hands and she finally noticed us and waved but the car behind us was getting mad and beeped, so we had to leave. I was able to pick-up some more picture frames. It’s hard to find 9x12 inch frames and when I do they are not cheap. I want to give them out as gifts to family and friends. Stephen and I stopped at Carols and James place so I could drop off my book and a picture I did of a red rose. I hope she likes them. Tomorrow is Sunday. I am going to ask Stephen to wake me up in time for mass. I want to get myself back to attending mass every week. I have been going back to mass again but I still have days in which I haven’t the energy. If I can only get back into my routine I will be all set. Maybe I can even start walking again. Well I slept late again and I forgot to ask Stephen to wake me up. Stephen had made cranberry muffins and the smell of them baking woke me up. They were delicious as they always are. Well John came over for dinner. He hasn’t heard from the bank yet as to whether he and Tina received the loan for the townhouse in Bridgewater. After John left Stephen and I had to take Max to South Middleboro to a Rabies Clinic. Max was the biggest dog there and also the biggest baby. He did nothing but cry the whole time we were there and Stephen had a heck of a time trying to keep him still. I took care of all the paperwork and money. I never would have been able to handle Max. He would have taken me for a ride. After finally getting his shot Stephen and I headed to Bed, Bath, & Beyond to pick up some items we needed. Going shopping with Stephen helps me feel somewhat safe. I can see our being together as a special place, a safe haven where I am not alone. We picked up the items that were needed and headed home. At times when I have to shop on my own, I feel very anxious along with a fear of other people I run into as I shop. I never know if they are friendly or not. If I shop alone I avoid others. I get what I need and leave.

After arriving home one of the jobs I wanted to do was to move our fifty year old Christmas Cactus into the den. They have been wilting lately and we think it is because they are getting too much direct sun. So we placed them in the den. Hopefully this will work. I would hate to see them die. They belonged to Stephen’s great grandmother, so I think they are even more than fifty years old. They are huge. I love to see them blossom. They are very old and beautiful. I have taken care of them since we married. After being home I saw that I had a message from Carol telling me she loved the book. I called her back and we talked for quite awhile. After Carol hung up Aimee called to check in. We talked a few minutes because she was taking Fancy to the doggie park. We wished everyone our love. Right now I am journaling while Stephen is napping before he goes back into the woods to cut down some more trees for next year’s firewood. The one big thing with my new books is that I wish people could go onto Amazon.com to look them up. On having my books on display there is a section where you can review my books as to whether you liked them or not. Also if you liked them you can write why you liked them. Doing this may help more people take an interest in my books.

Chapter Nineteen

THIS MORNING I AM GOING to the WINGS program at the Sacred Heart Father Shea Center. WINGS stand for Women in God’s Spirit. It begins at 9:15am with coffee and snacks as a little fellowship together so we can mix in with each other and make friends. Next they have a few speakers talking about a specific topic. Today’s topic was Family and Prayer. Two women spoke. After the speeches were finished the group broke up into two discussion groups. I did not know anyone so I guess it didn’t matter to which group I ed. Again my anxiety was looming through me. I just followed someone into the group room. The discussion group only lasted about twenty minutes. I do not know if they go for longer periods if the speeches are shorter. I guess the speaker and the content of their speech will have a lot to do with the length of the discussion. This was my first attempt at coming. I was very nervous because I did not know anyone, yet everyone seemed very friendly. I spoke to the woman whom I thought was the group leader and told her I might be late next Tuesday as I have a doctor’s appointment. She gave me a hug because I said I would try to come back. When people I don’t know show me affection I get very nervous and scared, mainly because I don’t really know them. I also have a very difficult time dealing with just about any kind of affection. I arrived home from WINGS around 11:30am. I thought that I would have been home sooner. I am sitting here thinking of Aimee right now. Stephen talked to her yesterday and he said that she sounded more upbeat than her usual, “What am I going to do?” Tomorrow I will see Daly in the morning and I see Debbie at noontime. The only day I have nothing scheduled is Thursday. Friday is ECT day. Again I don’t know what level I should give as far as my depression. Am I doing better? I ask myself. I just don’t seem to have any energy. My writing lately has been terrible, my sentence structure is off. I write the same word one after the other. I am misspelling words. My concentration is off. I would just like to sleep all day. My nightmares have flared back up again. I get all shook up during my dreams. Before calling Stephen at work to let him know how my day was going I wanted

to call the billing office at Caritas Norwood Hospital about some medical bills that I keep getting. I had to straighten out my primary care insurance and then my secondary insurance. After about an hour on the phone, I finally got everything straightened out. They said that the bills would be resubmitted to the correct insurance. Now that I have everything where it should be after talking to the bill collector I’m a nervous wreck with overwhelming anxiety, doing what I needed to do for myself. Now I was ready to call Stephen and tell him about my morning. He was very pleased that I straightened out my insurance on my own. He congratulated me on it. I thanked him. I told him that I was getting ready to start some housework. I just had lunch and now I was tired. I think I’ll take a nap. Max is sitting here next to me snoring. I guess I’ll him. One thing I need to do next week at WINGS is to bring in copies of the five kernels of corn, a story of the Pilgrims. One of the speakers mentioned it at last week’s meeting but didn’t have the entire story. Stephen uses the story every Thanksgiving. We all stand while Stephen reads;

Five Grains of Corn

It was time; awaiting the harvest of 1623 they lived four or five days at a time on few grains of corn. Again their hopes rested on a good fall harvest. A six week drought began in June and the crops turned brown and were slowly withering away. They turned to the only hope they had intervention by God, and appointed a solemn day of humiliation and prayer. They assembled one July morning under a hot clear sky and for nine hours prayed. Their prayers were answered by the next morning and for the next two weeks they were greeted, in words of Winslow with “such softe, sweet and moderate showers…As it was hard to say whether our withered corne or drooping affections were most quickened and revived.” It turned out to be a double blessing from above. That same month arrived ships Anne and Little James with sixty new settlers which came loaded with provisions.

The harvest in the fall of 1623 proved to be the best yet. It also promised a new beginning for the Pilgrim colonists, and they never starved again.

After the story Stephen says grace and we sit for our meal. This has become a tradition in the Winter family for many generations. I have it in the computer so I will print out enough so each person will get a copy. Hopefully our children will carry on this tradition with their families one day. I shall also print out copies for the WINGS group so they may share it with their families during Thanksgiving.

Chapter Twenty

I JUST RECEIVED A LETTER from Mercedes. She said that she thinks of me all the time and cannot wait until we get together along with Sr. Eugenia. I must make plans for when we are to go out to lunch. It seems so weird for me to be going out to lunch with two of my old teachers. Years ago nobody would even think of such a thing. But me I have them on my mind. Maybe in some way they helped me grow in mind and spirit. Mater Dei Academy was a special place for me. The school was very small along with the classrooms. When I was at school I would always pay attention to the sisters who taught us. We never had any lay teachers. I liked Mater Dei because I was at peace for the length of the school day. I was away from the drastic vulnerability of my family. Yes, I was very shy and introverted with no self-esteem as I still am today. I must keep that thought. I feel as though I am being led down this path the reason is unknown but there is a reason which will be eventually revealed to me as I stay on the path. Stephen let me sleep late this morning because I was not feeling well last night. I had a terrible headache and was somewhat nauseous. We never went grocery shopping like our normal Tuesday evening. Michael seems to be preparing for a party with his friends. He has a pulled pork shoulder which he is going to cook in the crock pot overnight. He also has cubed chicken steaks he is going to be grilling outside. Right now the chicken is marinating in the fridge. Lately Michael has really been into his cooking. He likes to try different things, and his friends seem to enjoy trying everything Michael makes. I think it’s cool. I just came back from visiting Daly. She was so wonderful. As I walked into her warm friendly home she gave me a big hug in which I returned. She had her kitchen table all set up with zucchini bread, slices of cheddar cheese and cantaloupe slices. It was all very elegant. She served coffee also. I told her that I wasn’t expecting to be treated so grand. After we sat and talked for awhile Daly showed me around her house. Everything was so beautiful. A lot of the rooms had a Spanish motif. I was very impressed. I guess her and her husband do up a big vegetable garden each year. Daly showed me the sun room where they are

starting to grow all the vegetables and herbs for their garden. While we were talking about gardening Daly asked if Stephen and I would be going to the Sacred Heart Dinner on April 13th. I told her I had asked Stephen and he said he needed to think about it. I told Daly, “Stephen has a business trip coming up in a couple of weeks. He will be going to Oregon. The company has a customer out there and right now they are working on a design and things are not going well. So Stephen being the senior design engineer needs to go out with his boss to see if they can do anything. He said that he will only be gone three days. I will be very nervous not having him here with me. Michael will be here but there are many times that he is off with his friends Tim, Matt, and Caity. I hope I can handle being alone while Stephen is in Oregon for his customer visit. My mind tends to go off into many tangents when alone. I have been striving to be a stronger individual as of late but it may not work with Stephen away.” Before leaving Daly’s place we exchanged phone numbers and e-mail addresses. I told her that next time I will have to invite her over here. I left her with two of my books. I hope she enjoys them. Daly also writes poetry and she gave me a copy of her book but it’s in Spanish. I wish I could read Spanish. Daly said she was going to try and get her poetry translated into English. I also hope her husband reads my story because he is a psychiatrist and he might see things a little differently and maybe understand me better than others who know me. While I was telling Stephen about my visit and how I enjoyed myself he suggested that I go right into the computer room and make a thank-you card for Daly and get it in the mail today. So I did. Stephen is always helping me to reciprocate in some small way to all the people who help me through each day. I wish that a time will come in which I will the good that has been done for me. While I was doing my thank-you card on my Hallmark Program, Aimee called me to see how I was doing. I filled her in on all the things I have been doing with my time this week. Aimee told me that she has been saving her money and I congratulated her and encouraged her to keep at it. She is getting anxious about coming home with Sean. Sean is not sure of his leave before he has to be in San Diego. They both want to come and see their family and friends before heading west. I just don’t see them able to make it home. They need all the money they can save for their trip to San Diego. Aimee spoke up about seeing Sean’s mother in Brockton; she suffers from bi-polar illness, which is a form of depression, so we have something in common. I told Aimee that I would like to go visit her with them. Aimee thought that that was so great. I am glad I made Aimee happy and I am sure that Sean will be happy about it also, when the

time comes. While on the computer this morning, I made some anniversary cards. In the month of April are John and Tina’s anniversary and also Stephen and my anniversary. The month of May will be Sean and Aimee’s first anniversary. I still need to make a Mother’s Day Card and a Father’s Day Card. These holidays will be coming up soon. While printing out the cards our printer ran out of ink. So we have to go out this morning and get both a color and black ink cartridge. Stephen and I just got back from doing our errands. Stephen was hungry so he decided to make Subs for lunch. While Stephen was making lunch Aimee happened to call. She was working. She sounded bored. She was telling me that she heard back on a resume she sent to a place in San Diego. She is not sure that she will have a chance to get the job because Sean and Aimee will not be in San Diego for at least three more weeks. I told her to keep her hopes up and that I would say some prayers for them.

Chapter Twenty-One

MY SPECIAL PLACES ARE ALWAYS changing; from make believe fantasies as a child to books giving me insight into all kinds of emotions, ones that open your eyes to so many personalities. Special Places can be inside my journaling. Ever since I learned to write I started journaling, putting my secret thoughts on paper, never revealing my secrets for I always thought them bad. Special places can be found in music. Music can fill you with a joy you’ve never felt, it can be calming, so mystifying, and so energizing. Special places can be found in prayer. The sincerity of prayer fills you with a hope so fulfilling, so earth shattering, that you find yourself in the arms of Our Lord protecting you from the tragedies of the world. Special places can be family. With family you feel a security that you don’t feel with strangers. You belong to a family, whether being the family of your birth or even the family of God. With my birth family I was never able to feel security. My parents never got along. We kids were always the brunt of our mother’s nasty ways. I never truly knew what love was like. I had my ECT Treatment yesterday. As far as my level of depression I gave them a two. Dr. Young the psychiatrist asked me a couple of questions. I don’t know what I was saying. There was an older woman there that made me very uncomfortable and anxious. I even told the nurses, Nancy and Claire, that they could do her before me. She was yelling out. I could not understand what she was saying. I just couldn’t listen to her. I was so terribly anxious. My foot couldn’t stop shaking. I finally fell off to sleep with the anesthesia. When I awoke again my oxygen level was low so the beeper kept going off. The nurses kept telling me to take deep breathes and cough. It would be alright for a minute and then the beeping would start again. They asked me if I had asthma but I said

no. They have asked me the last few times when I had ECT’s if I had Asthma. Claire took a stethoscope to listen to my lungs because she said I was wheezing. She said if it keeps happening, I might want to be checked by my primary care physician. Claire also asked me what kind of things I do with my time when I am home. She asked me if I cooked. I said, no my husband does the majority of cooking. I told her that I type on my computer and that I sketch and talk to a friend every day. I forgot to mention housework and reading. I told Dr. Young about my always having nightmares. I didn’t tell him about waking up screaming last night. Stephen never heard me because he was already up, but I was scared. I felt as though I was going to be attacked, as though I was being stalked. I still need ECT Treatments. My mind is always afraid that I’m being watched. I don’t know if I will ever be rid of these thoughts. Listening to that woman in the ECT room made me think that I am going to become crazy like her. She was definitely not in control of her mind. Since coming home I have been freezing. I even turned on the thermostat. I want to watch Star Wars tonight. This week they will be showing all six movies. But they don’t start until 8:00pm. Last night I watched it until the last twenty minutes and I had to go to bed, because I was so tired. When I came home from my outpatient ECT I slept most of the afternoon. Usually I’m not quite so sleepy but today was different. When I finally woke up for the day I waited for 8:00pm for the Star Wars movie to start. I had not seen some of these episodes. I found them quite interesting. Again I could not stay awake until the very end. I went to bed during the last twenty minutes. Watching Star Wars was like another special place. I was able to sit and actually relax while I watched the movie. I could let my imagination go. It was a movie of good vs. evil. Being futuristic helps me to see that there are other worlds in the universe. I think one day we will have the opportunity to meet people of other worlds. Our universe is so vast. I look up at the sky on a clear night and am amazed at the stars and planets we see from our small spot in the universe. I think; “How could our God not create other life?” I feel that he has created other living beings and one day we shall meet. I had told Stephen to make sure I was up in time to get ready for church in the morning, because I haven’t been to church regularly. Stephen woke me up in plenty of time. They had a missionary from Ecuador say mass today. He was collecting for the natives of Ecuador. At the end of mass, Stephen and I made a donation.

Well Aimee has decided that she will not come home just yet because she will need all their money for the trip to San Diego. I told her that she was making a smart move on her part. She is on the internet checking out jobs and apartments. She told me that she heard back from one job. They said they liked her resume. Aimee just doesn’t know if they’d be willing to wait three weeks before they get to San Diego. I told her it doesn’t hurt to try. Aimee asked her father to talk to the Saturn dealer about fixing her car, but first he told her that he needs the year, make and model along with how it’s been acting. So we should probably call today to get the information. I am still not writing much in my journal. Am I having trouble thinking of things to write about? I’m not sure. I feel that my stress and worry about Aimee is tantamount to my writing. Gil came over after we came home from church. We had coffee and talked about a lot of different things but I pretty much just sat there and listened. I couldn’t think of a conversation about any of the topics they were rambling on about. I finally got off my dead duff and started straightening out the kitchen for Sunday dinner with John. It will just be the three of us again. Michael had to work all day because he took yesterday off to go to a War Hammer Tournament. I guess he received 2nd place. He was happy with that. Tina was at a baton competition again and Megan was with her Dad. This is an “A” typical Sunday now. After dinner today I should probably call Aimee to see how she’s doing with her dinner. I also need to call Sue to see how her foot is doing. I am worried about it because of her diabetes. An infected foot that doesn’t seem to be getting any better bothers me because I would not like to see her lose her foot. Stephen’s mother had diabetes and she lost both her legs and became blind before she died of diabetes. I won’t say anything to Sue about what might happen because I don’t want to worry her unnecessarily; it will only make her scared. Sue has really never taken care of her diabetes. Sue’s never followed a strict diet. Her sugar level is all over the place. I want to get angry at her but that won’t make her take better care of herself. I have tried to talk to her calmly about following a diet and taking her medication. I just feel that Sue makes up excuses so she can do what she wants. It was the same way when she used to smoke. I used to get on her case all the time and finally she quit cold turkey and hasn’t smoked again. I wish I could do it with her diabetes. She needs a special diabetic menu with what she can and cannot eat.

Aimee called all upset a few minutes ago. I guess Fancy jumped up on a little girl and the girl started crying. Aimee is afraid the parents are going to get mad at Aimee and Fancy. I asked Aimee if the little girl was cut and bleeding, but Aimee said no. I told her that I don’t think she has anything to worry about. The little girl was probably just frightened. I hope to talk to Aimee tomorrow. She will soon be moving with Sean to San Diego. I must help her when it comes to advising her in becoming a responsible, wise, moral adult. I pray that she and Sean have a happy life together. Today I want to start painting the woodwork in the bathrooms. I will need to get some supplies before I start. I would like to start this week, although I had talked to Stephen and he wants to wait a couple more weeks for the weather to get a little better. I am very much unmotivated today. I have been sleeping off and on all day. I have talked to Sue twice today but she isn’t doing anything either. She’s not keeping herself active at all. She can do things sitting down as I do. She can read, sketch, watch T.V., and do her crocheting. Sue just makes excuses. We can all do nothing and grow more depressed with our inactivity. I just don’t like the P.A.C.T. team. As I have said before I feel they hinder Sue’s abilities. She cannot make any decisions without them meaning she cannot think for herself. She cannot do for herself unless the P.A.C.T. team gives her permission. I have been getting angry with Sue’s lack of taking charge of herself; Med Pack?, Clean Bedroom?, Balance Checkbook? I can become as Sue. The more time I spend with her the more lacking of any authority in any form I become. I need to press on with my life. I need to take steps in a direction that will lead me forward. I mustn’t become so stagnant, for doing so will never give me the courage to see life in reality. But not making my own reality would be too easy and I would never grow in mind or spirit, two things I must strive towards no matter how difficult the trail shall be. I will be seeing Dr. Figman this morning. My appointment is for 9:30am. I found his new office without any problems. There are times that I get very anxious when going to a new place because I am not sure I will get lost or not. Danielle gave me two dates for the book g. She will let me know which date after she talks with the other author. It will be either May22nd or May 29th

at the Middleboro Library at 6:30pm. I can’t wait to know when so I can start advertising it. I also still want to get the gazette to do an article. It would be nice if my other book is out by then also. I had another nightmare last night. I was in jail because I wasn’t a good mother. I have had this dream before. I am going to Sacred Heart’s Thrift Store this morning to help set up the tables and start laying out clothes. We didn’t stay the whole time because it was really cold and everyone was freezing. So Maryanne let us leave at 10:00am. While I was there I saw Daly and we gave each other a hug. I said that we had to get together. She apologized and said she has been so busy trying to arrange her daughter’s marriage in July. Danielle called from the library. I guess the g will be May 22nd at 6:30pm at the Middleborough Library. I gave Daly the date of my first book g. I told Daly that I hoped she could come. I think Daly will like it because she is also a published poet. She wrote it down and said she would be there. I need to get in touch with more area newspapers to see if they will write a press release for my book. I also spoke to Caity and asked if she would like to come and sign for the cover illustration. She was so excited about it. I’m so happy in making Caity a part of the book-g. She needs to be acknowledged for her art. When I sat down with Dr. Figman I expressed my high level of anxiety. Lately I have been sleeping a lot during the day and I have not been writing in my journal. I have no motivation, no energy. I told Dr. Figman that I cannot seem to concentrate or anything. My mind seems to wander all over the place. My next appointment is in thirty days. Now that his office is so much closer to where I live, it only takes about ten minutes to get there.

Chapter Twenty-Two

I HAVE ALSO BEEN BUSY on the Hallmark Card Program making cards for Stephen and my anniversary, John’s and Tina’s anniversary, Aimee and Sean’s anniversary and a Mother’s Day card for my mother down the Cape. I will not send Aimee and Sean’s card until they arrive in San Diego so I can get their new address. Mothers Day is coming up soon and I have been thinking a lot about my mother. I have been ing her in my dreams and I have made a card to send her. I do not know if she is still bitter with me for not keeping in with her. I am so tired right now. My journal entries are becoming less and less informative. My mind is not functioning all the data of; “A Spiritual Journey Through My Special Place.” I am at a loss for words when it comes to my final story. I have changed the title several times and I still do not know whether I will change the title again. I received a letter along with a picture of Samantha the young Indian girl Stephen and I sponsor in India. I sat last night and wrote her a letter from Stephen and me. Today I need to go to the Post Office to send Aimee a money order to have her car repaired and I also need to send Samantha’s letter along with our check. I hope someday that we will be able to meet her. Maybe she will come to the U.S. for college. Michael has today off from work. I think Aimee has Wednesday’s off also. I spoke with Jill and my Dad last night. Aimee wants them to come visit her before she and Sean leave for San Diego. Jill told me that she would call Aimee and set up a day. The only thing is that it is a five hour drive to Pensacola. I thanked her and said that it would mean a lot to Aimee.

Today I also have an appointment with Debbie, my therapist. I will probably be a little busy today. I am just so anxious. I also need to call Sue and see if she will be home when I leave Debbie’s because Sue is right down the street from Debbie and I could stop over for a visit and bring her a Dunkin Donuts coffee like I did last week. Right now it is 8:00am so I think that Sue is still sleeping. I’ll call her around 9:30am. Hopefully she will be awake. Well so far I have called Sue’s place several times and she is not home. I have left her messages to call me and to call my cell phone if necessary. I am on my way to see Debbie. As I was sitting waiting for Debbie to come out and get me, this giant guy came in and scares me. He has been coming in at the same time as me. He looks like he is at least seven feet tall and weighs about 400 lbs. He is just creepy looking and makes me very anxious and nervous. When I sat down in Debbie’s office, I told her about this guy. She said that she didn’t see him and I told her that he went in before me. I also told her about my anxiety. She could see it because my leg wouldn’t stop bouncing. I could not control it. We talked about Dr. Figman putting me back on Adderall XR. I also told her my frustrations with Aimee and Sean. It just seems like nothing is going smoothly. Debbie tried to get me to calm down by talking about the nice day outside. She mentioned my painting flowers. I told her that lately I haven’t been doing any painting. She mentioned the famous artist Georgia O’Keefe who painted flowers. Today I am expecting a call from my publishing team to discuss how I want the book set-up, and how I want the cover design to be. We talked for maybe a halfhour and were done. She said she should have my Galley ready for approval within two to three weeks. As I sit here typing in my final sequel, I am thinking of how I want my story to end. I want it to end with hope. I want the reader to be aware that there is always hope for the mentally ill, with the biggest factor being that you want to get better. You need to push yourself beyond what you feel are the limits of mental illness. You as a victim of mental illness are able to reach out to those willing to work with you over time. You may start out taking baby steps but as time es you find yourself changing, you think differently, you are aware of the stressors that have burdened your life. You’ve been taught how to work through them as a challenge to keep your thoughts conceivable, to know that your illness is not insurmountable and that you have the ability to look back on your illness and see how far you’ve come. Now you can reason with your thoughts and emotions. You are not blindsided by faulty and fearful images that once brought you down

to a point from which you saw no salvation. But now each new day you arise believing that you can conquer the lows of mental illness with the knowledgeable help of people versed and educated in dealing with mental illness. Each morning I awake, the first thing I say is; “Thank-you Lord for this day. Help me Lord by giving me the strength I need to deal with my frailties. Amen. If I have no hope, then where do I end up, where do I go? I am lost. I do not see the joy of the rising sun. I cannot smell or see the beauty of nature that surrounds me. I do not feel the love or the kindness of family and friends. Is it possible to live life as this? Yes, but what agony you must bear, excruciating pain that drags you down to the depths of despair. No, I must say, I will not go there. This is the first step to healing. And as long as you are aware of yourself and communicate with others you will continue to mend. Just , it is a process of time. Time and hope are with you. Never forget. As I sit here I am thinking about my children, I feel the need to help them through their recent trials. Each of them has their own trials. God Our Father puts things our way so we can learn and grow from them, hopefully drawing us closer to him. But as a mother I must learn when it is time to stop giving help. The Lord is showing me that the more help I give the more hindrance I cause, for they are not able to learn the lessons of life. It is not for lack of love but for love that I need to put aside my desire to give of myself. My children are all young adults now and they must find their own paths to follow. Each of them has a journey to play out in their lives. The trails can be treacherous at times but again they can be full of wonder and true happiness. Our world as we know it cannot be filled with a constant joy but if we reach those hard times let us cry out to Our Heavenly Father for he never leaves us. We just need to ask. I have just finished checking my e-mail and saw that I received a small note from Daly, my new friend from the Sacred Heart Thrift Store. She said that she was enjoying my book and could not wait to finish it. That made me happy as I know there are others whom I have given my book to and they have not bothered to read it. It hurts me in a way because I am sharing my life with these people. This is the only reason that I have given my book to the people I know.

With Aimee and Sean moving soon to San Diego, I don’t know when we will get to see them again. They will be on the other side of the U.S. I am worrying about how they will make out but Stephen tells me to stop worrying. I just don’t think I can. Then there is Michael, Stop & Shop has been cutting his hours and he talked to his boss about fulltime. His boss hinted about Michael starting to look for another job. The country is in a recession right now so it is hard to find jobs that pay anything. I asked Michael if he thought about going to night school a couple of nights a week. He said yes, but he wasn’t sure what he wanted to do yet. So I am worrying about Michael hoping he finds his way. And last but not least we have John. John has finally heard on the townhouse and he has the loan and the house ed inspection so he and Tina are happy. Now they just need to wait to sign papers and the house will be theirs. I just hope they will not find it too difficult meeting their payments. I worry that things could get very tight financially. I just worry. I can find anything to worry about. Sometimes I ask myself is it every mothers jobs to worry? Stephen keeps reminding me not to worry so much. He says he understands but he also says that it will not help my depression and anxiety to constantly worry. I know he is right, but I find it so hard not to worry and to try and relax. My mind is on a constant go. I have to let my kids work out their own lives. Yet when they were in high school there were many times I couldn’t be there for them. The reasons I couldn’t be there was the fact that I was in and out of hospitals for my mental condition. I guess I feel guilty today and back to those times when I couldn’t help my children. What did they think of their mother? Was I an embarrassment to them? I couldn’t take care of myself never mind taking care of my children. Now I want to reconcile with my children by helping them now when things are tough. I feel that I owe them. They needed me but I was not in reality with my mind. I was not able to focus. My kids didn’t understand what I was going through. Stephen tried to explain the best way he knew how but the kids were as though they were lost and didn’t know how to find their way in the world. I entrapped them. With my mental illness I wanted to raise my family encircled with a special love that only a father and mother can give. But as I look back through my journey I was not the mother my children desperately needed. I became filled with self hatred that I did not want to endure. With my illness I was weak. I was not able to make decisions for myself or my family.

I try very adamantly to continue seeking out my special places. I have tried to attempt making my special place a spiritual journey. With each day I commend my Lord with his guidance towards Stephen and myself along with our children and their families. Throughout our world all of humanity seeks a special guidance from the Lord. As I am sitting here writing in my journal I received a phone call from Diane F. She had been my roommate when I was at Caritas Norwood Hospital. I mentioned her allure to my spirituality earlier in my book. At first when I answered I couldn’t think of who it was calling me. My memory of people’s names and where I know them from is terrible. Finally she said, “This is Diane F. your roommate at Norwood Hospital.” Then it clicked. I knew who it was. We talked at least two hours, probably more. We talked about our woes, our trials and tribulations, but with each of our stories we were able to share fulfillment of spirituality. It’s funny and I mentioned this to Diane F. that it wasn’t just a couple of weeks ago when I was thinking of her and the song she sang to me of her son who had died in a car accident. Why I thought of her then I am not totally sure but maybe it was a premonition of her getting in touch with me. It seemed just so uncanny. I had lost her phone number, but I never forgot her gentleness, her kindness and her spiritual fullness of the Lord in her heart. Talking to Diane F. today did something for me. It fulfilled in me a spiritual need to become one again with my Father in Heaven. Depression, mental illness and so many physical illnesses’ that run rampant in our world today can sometimes fill us with a lack of strength to conquer our ills. In speaking to Diane F., I was again shown the power of the Lord. Our Lord will never leave us, but will always remain in our hearts. He will show us how to help all the children of this world. Faith and love is all we need to conquer all the ill gotten times in our lives where we let our internal sorrows fail our desires for the emergence of everlasting love. When out of sorts, you feel relieved hearing from a friend. Ever since childhood and in my life today I have never had large groups of friends, people I could depend on when things weren’t going my way. I thought I was lucky to even have one friend. But the few friends I do have I know they will always be there for me even at the most dire times in my life.

Last evening I received a call from Sr. Eugenia. She said that she and Mercedes would love to go out and were very grateful for my invitation, but neither of them could make noontime. She asked if a Tuesday or Thursday would be alright at about 4:00 or 5:00 pm. I e-mailed her back saying that Tuesday for 5:00pm would be great. Just let me know and I will pick you both up and head to Christos. I was very anxious thinking about this evening out with two of my old teachers from Mater Dei Academy. I was always very shy and never said much. I prayed to the Lord to give me the strength and to let my verse come easily to my mind. I asked that I not stumble looking for things to say. I made this social possible and now I was having second thoughts based on my introverted shyness. Just thinking of this night made me sweat profusely. I mustn’t let either of them know my dilemma of worry. I needed to put my trust in the Lord for he would be by my side. I have just received a call from Mercedes. She asked about the dinner tomorrow and asked if I could still pick her and Sr. Eugenia up. I said, “Most definitely.” She gave me directions to her house and asked what would be a good time to pick her up. I said 4:00pm should be a good time and will give us plenty of time to pick up Sr. Eugenia also. I figured that we would arrive at Christos in plenty of time. After her call Stephen took me for a dry run so I would know where I was going tomorrow evening. I get very anxious when I do not know were I am going, even with directions. I pray that the Lord fills me with conversation. I will need to talk and this has always been very hard for me. Last evening turned out to be a very positive gathering. Before I picked up Mercedes and Sr. Eugenia I was very anxious and unsure of how the dinner would be. After picking up Mercedes I found myself talking very animatedly about everything from my past to my present. It was just so easy to speak with her. Mercedes also spoke easily with me. I had many misgivings about how the dinner would turn out. After we picked up Sr. Eugenia the three of us couldn’t stop talking. The evening was great. As I left each of them off I said that we would get together again soon and that I was hopeful to introducing them to my family. They were very receptive to this. It has been thirty-seven years since I saw Mercedes and Sr. Eugenia. I think it was something I felt needed to be done. It’s almost like I’m going into my past to revisit my life. I don’t know if it is a healing gesture for me to have reconciliation, with people from my past. As I was taking Mercedes home I mentioned that I was never a saint but I feel as though I am growing. I feel that

my inner self is becoming stronger. It is not happening all at once but I am taking steps to reach a level of satisfaction with my mind and my spirit. I need to look back and I need to ask myself why I did certain things that affected my life from childhood years to my present day life. It’s as if I am making amends to our heavenly father and the biggest thing is to look at who I was and not deny the areas of my life when I would step away from God not listening with my heart when he spoke to me. Last night at Christos, I was a totally different person. I even told Mercedes and Sr. Eugenia how afraid I was about meeting with them tonight. I feared that I wouldn’t be able to communicate. I was afraid that we would sit in total silence looking for things to say. Yet I was filled with the spirit of God. I was never at a loss for words. I amazed myself. I even told Mercedes and Sr. Eugenia this. I searched my heart and found an abundance of my past to discuss. It was glorious for me.

Chapter Twenty-Three

A COUPLE OF WEEKS HAVE ed since I had dinner with Sr. Eugenia and Mercedes. I am depressed at the moment. I am laying here on the sofa with feelings of nothing. What does it mean to have feelings of nothing? I feel empty of any emotion, any creative endeavors, at a loss to even think on my own. And filled with the question, how? How do I get into these states of mind? If I knew the answer I could possibly nudge myself to alertness and a desire to do, to accomplish and to become someone. I have not been journaling lately. Journaling has been a lifelong hobby. It’s almost been a week. Look I am not even thinking clearly. Aimee just called. She is having troubles. She talked to Sean. It looks like they will be coming home in a couple of days because of some technicality about the Marines paying for the moving expenses. Aimee said that they would have to come home and rent a UHaul or other mover up here then go down to Pensacola and then to San Diego. I guess this way the Marines will reimburse them, I hope! Aimee hasn’t asked for money and I haven’t offered any. I hope they manage to get back here on Sean’s pay. He needs to start taking a role in their marriage. Stephen and I cannot and will not keep bailing them out. Now I am starting to worry again. I can’t help myself. I won’t have an ECT until next Friday. Marilyn has invited Stephen and me up for a weekend. I thanked her for the offer. I told her I would love to come as long as it is not an ECT week, but now I’m not sure because of this new situation with Aimee and Sean. Lord I ask you now to please help Aimee and Sean find enough money in order to move back here to Boston and get a moving van to pick-up their belongings in Pensacola and move out to San Diego. Sean is supposedly getting a substantial monetary fee that should help them with their move. They need your guidance Lord. Please give them the strength they will need as a young married couple. Let them both have the patience they will need to make their marriage work. Help them seek you out Lord so you may inspire them with patience, honesty,

and love. Help this marriage grow as an everlasting part of your love. As of late I have many projects I must do. Things just seem to pile up to overwhelming. I have things to paint in the house. I have weeding to do in the garden. I need to drop off my tri-fold advertising my books at the Middleborough Library. I need to check on the newspaper to see if they will do an article on my books and the book g. I will also be dealing with Aimee and Sean while they are out here visiting. They will need a car to use. So much to do that it seems overwhelming when I start thinking about everything. This Saturday Stephen and I will be attending the Sodality’s spaghetti supper at the Sacred Heart Hall. John and Tina were down yesterday for dinner. John asked me if the offer of the money on the table was still there. At first I wasn’t sure what he was asking. He said it again a little differently. I understood and I said, “Yes of course.” I rose and grabbed my checkbook and wrote him and Tina one last check for the closing costs of their new house. So John has received the money Stephen and I had put away for him many years ago. Aimee has gone through all her money that we had put aside for her. Michael is last. He hasn’t asked for any, but Stephen and I have told him we have money set aside for him when he finds the need. We said it could be for college, a newer car or even a down payment on a house someday when he gets married. We didn’t let him know the amount but at least he knows something is available. I have just got off the phone with Aimee. She told me that for her and Sean to fly home one way it will cost them $730.00 with one layover. This is ridiculous. She also asked if I could call U-Haul up here to see what it would cost for the smallest truck that could pull a car. It would go from here to Pensacola and then out to San Diego. I called U-Haul for them and was given a big harangue. The salesman told me that they can only give me a price for one way, either from here to Pensacola or from here to San Diego. I explained that my son-in-law is in the Marines and they need to come here to get his car and then drive to Pensacola to pick-up their belongings and then drive out to San Diego. The salesman asked me to wait a minute. When he came back on the line he said from here to San Diego would cost $1200.00 and they would allow a certain amount of free mileage but after that they would have to pay .40 cents per extra mile. There is just no way Aimee and Sean can afford this trip. I called Aimee and gave her the news. She was all upset. They wanted to come out on Friday and leave on Monday. It doesn’t mean that the Marines will pay for all of it.

I needed to call Stephen at work because I was so upset and worried. Stephen asked me if I was thinking of helping and I said,”Yes” Stephen flew off the handle. He was furious with me saying, “You have to let her do things for herself. It’s the only way Sean and her will learn.” I am so upset right now. I feel like a failure. I feel tremendously depressed and even suicidal. How can I help in a situation where I’m told not to help? How can I let them work things out on their own? Stephen just called me. He said, “Hi, I have a lull right now. Do you want to talk?” I said, “No” I was very belligerent. He asked me again and I repeated, “No.” So we hung up. Within minutes Aimee was calling me. I answered. Aimee said, “Hi, Have you talked to Dad today?” “Yes, right after I talked to you.” Dad seemed upset and said he hasn’t talked to you. Are you upset?” “Yes.” “Why? Is it because of me?” “Partly”, I reiterated. “Well I talked to Dad and he’s sorry. He misunderstood how we were going to work this out. I explained to Dad that this time we are going to pay you back when Sean gets his money in San Diego. So Dad says he understands now. Will you call him?” “Yes, I will call him as soon as I let you go.” “Let me know as soon as you find out what’s going on. I love you both. Bye.” “Bye, I love you both.” After hanging up from Aimee, I called Stephen. He answered and I said, “Hi” He said, “Hi.” He apologized and said that he really didn’t understand how things were working out. Stephen asked how I was doing. I said, “I’m very depressed and very upset. “I started crying. I said, “”I’m not doing well.” Stephen apologized again and told me that he knows that Aimee is going to pay us back this time. Stephen said he noticed that Aimee was not upset as she normally gets. In fact Aimee seemed quite calm about the situation. I want to see them make it and I also want the Marines to reimburse Sean so they can pay us back. That would prove something to Stephen and me. It will be a sign that Aimee is growing up at last. I also told Stephen that I can’t help it when I get depressed. It just takes over my mind. As of yet I have not heard from Aimee. I need to make reservations for the airline and reserve the U-Haul. Aimee hasn’t gotten back to me yet. I have chores to be done. I hope she has my cell phone number if I am out when she calls. Sue is supposed to come over today. We are going to JC Penny at the mall. I have a gift card. I want to use it to get Stephen a new pair of dress black work shoes. I may also get myself a new pair of sneakers if they’re cheap enough. First I must go to the Post Office and then to the library to put up my

ments for the book g. Well I just came back from going uptown. I did the Post Office and Benny’s. The library wasn’t open yet, so I will try later. I have not received anything from Aimee yet. I just went and checked my e-mail but there was nothing but junk. I think she is still waiting to hear from Sean. Time is rushing by. If they come here on Friday and leave on Monday morning that only gives them 3 maybe 4 days for Sean to report for duty in San Diego. That’s three thousand miles. That’s really pushing it. I don’t see them stopping with the exception of gas and food to go. I’m frustrated and very anxious. Debbie my therapist just called and wants to switch my appointment from tomorrow to today at 2:00pm. I hope this is not a permanent change. I will find out when I meet with her. Aimee just called me to tell me that her and Sean are not going to fly back home because of the high cost. They are going to rent a U-Haul in Pensacola and drive from there to San Diego. Aimee told me, “Dad said he could give her $600.00 but they still need to come up with $600.00 more plus gas money.” I need to ask her how she is going to pay us back. Stephen is not going to allow me to give Aimee anymore money. I need to ask Sean what happened to the three thousand dollars he was supposed to receive. Also what has he been doing with his monthly income? I received some answers from Aimee. She said that Sean has been sending her money which she has been using to pay bills along with her money. I told Aimee that I am very upset. I swore to Aimee that this is it. I’m very upset. I asked Aimee if she knows where all this money is coming from. Aimee answered, “From your savings .” “Yes Dad’s and my , but where did that come from?” I said.” “It came from Dad scrounging to save and also my saving the little bit I can. There is going to be an end to this money Aimee. It will not last forever; in fact it is starting to run out. Tell Sean that he better start becoming more responsible along with you. I am very angry and I am very depressed over this. I am angry with Sean’s family because they’ve shunted you. They have not made a single gesture to help you out one bit. Do you understand?” “Yes” said Aimee. Aimee asked if I am mad at her. I said, “I want you and Sean to become more responsible, and promise me that whatever money you have left after this trip to please send it back to Dad and me.” I told Aimee, “I feel like I was never there for you during your teenage years and high school when you needed me most because I was too depressed. I feel obligated to help you so much now, because of the years I wasn’t there for you.” So I left off saying, “I love you and I love Sean. I feel so desperate to help you both.”

Now I am off to see Debbie. I explained to Debbie my conversation with Aimee a short time ago. Debbie said that my statement of not being there for Aimee was not true. Debbie also said that it was good to show anger. I told Debbie that I didn’t think it was good to show anger. I told Debbie,” I have not been doing well lately. Everything I do something goes wrong. I can’t do anything right.” I sent Aimee money through her bank . I asked her to check her to make sure the money is there and to call me and let me know that it is in their bank . I have informed Stephen as to what I did to help Aimee. He was not pleased. Yet I could not see her alone without any money to make the trip to San Diego. Sean, if he had to could always take a military flight if necessary. This would leave Aimee stranded down south somewhere with no money. I cannot let this happen. Stephen did not get angry at me because he knew I was feeling guilty. My mother’s instincts hurt for Aimee. Stephen and I are going to run out of money real quick, if I keep helping Sean and Aimee. I don’t know what is in my heart today which hinders the words I wish to write. Today I managed to do some weeding. There is a lot more to be done. If I can go out every morning and work on a spot, eventually I will get it all done. I also want to start working on painting the two bathrooms. I need to push myself into keeping busy. By keeping active I may not fall so quickly into a depressed state of mind. I haven’t heard from Aimee today. I do not know that this is her last day of work. She is picking up Sean at the airport tonight as he comes in from No. Carolina. Sean’s plane is supposed to arrive by 11:00pm. I think they are leaving for San Diego on Monday. I pray they get there safely and I pray Aimee gets herself a decent job once they make it to San Diego. I am trying to keep myself busy. I am hoping that with my doing different types of outdoor work along with inside work, that maybe I will not think about my depression. I see myself as a very negative person who is also very weak. I can lapse into depression with the slightest little problem. This morning I went outside to try and complete my yard work I had started yesterday. It has been a big task and I don’t think I will even finish my goals today.

As of late my dreams are becoming more and more continuous. They are not repeating dreams. I dream that I am the queen in London and the entire population wants to be rid of me. I as queen am not meeting the needs of my people. Another dream I had is two boys chasing me and I don’t know why. I just keep running away. I will only tell you one more dream because I do not think it would be proper to speak of all my dreams. This other dream is that I went to dinner with Mercedes and Sr. Eugenia but they hated the idea of my seeking them out after thirty-seven years.

Chapter Twenty-Four

I FEEL VERY TIRED RIGHT now with all the yard work I’ve completed. I managed to dig up all my irises that have been overgrown with witch grass. Tomorrow I shall have to find a place to plant them where they will not be susceptible to witch grass. Witch grass can and will grow anywhere and their roots go on forever. Separating the irises from the witch grass was no easy feat, but I did manage to finish the job. Next I walked to the front of the yard where I managed to pick-up numerous broken branches, loading them into the trailer. I also tried to rake under all the brush and trees so the area looked more pleasant and picked up. I have not been able to complete this job. I have gotten myself a terrible blister on my right palm while I was digging up the irises. I have bandaged it along with some Neosporin. I used garden gloves but they did not help. Stephen gave me a heavier pair of work gloves. I put them over my garden gloves and they worked much better. My blister is not as sore as it was. The reason I can manage the garden and the yard is because I have no one grading my work. Yes, there are times that I lack any interest in gardening and it is usually because of my depression. I never know when depression is going to strike. There is no alarm that goes off to warn me. All of a sudden it strikes out like a tornado. You’re out in the fields and suddenly the winds start blasting everywhere. Before you know it the winds begin to circle stronger and stronger into a full blown tornado destroying everything in its path. Sue just called. She’ll be fine for a time then suddenly she’ll tell me she can’t sleep all night. Then she’ll tell me she’s depressed but she doesn’t act like

somebody depressed. She saw her psychiatrist yesterday and she told him that she’s depressed and not sleeping. I told her to stop drinking coffee and she tells me she stopped drinking coffee. Yet every time I talk to her and ask what she did today she’ll always tell me her and Frank went to Dunkin Donuts for a coffee. Plus she always gets a large toasted almond crunch with extra cream and two equal. I know this because whenever we go for coffee this is what she gets. Then she complains that her checkbook is all messed up and she doesn’t know why. I ask her if she writes everything she buys in her checkbook. She says she does but then Frank will come over and she forgets to finish or someone will call her and again she forgets. I frustratingly say, “Can’t you ask Frank or whoever to wait a couple of minutes until your checkbook is balanced?” She says she gets distracted. I say, “That’s not an excuse. When you get off the phone isn’t your checkbook still out for you to finish. You’re always telling me you have no money. I think writing your debits inside your checkbook should become urgent to keep balanced. You have to become responsible with your bank .” I asked Sue to come over the other day because I am always the one going over to her place and taking her out to lunch and taking her shopping. Sue will only give me excuses of why she cannot drive to my house. Sometimes I feel as though her excuses are lame. While I’m on the phone I tell Sue, “You tell me this morning that you’re depressed. Whenever I talk to you your always full of life. You talk a lot. You ask me questions constantly. You tell me that I don’t talk a lot. The other day you told me that you had to go for blood work that you have it done every month. You tell me that you don’t know if you are supposed to fast. I say, don’t you fast every month before your blood work. You tell me yes.” I asked, “How long do you usually fast? You tell me 12 hours.” I then say, “Well it sounds like you should fast for 12 hours.” Next you say, “But the doctor didn’t tell me to.” I start getting agitated and say, “Why don’t you call the doctor and ask. You say nothing. You call me later to tell me that Joy your therapist told you to fast for 12 hours. Now I’m angry. I get the impression that you just want my attention. Lately you cannot make any decisions of any kind, even the simplest decisions. Every time I see you you’re always fine but when I talk to you on the phone everything is terrible. I can understand why your mother gets upset with you. Over the years as I have gotten to know you, I have tried to get you to make yourself a list of things to do, even one thing a day. I have tried to get you involved in your painting again. I have tried to get you to clean your apartment, but you will say that someone from the PACT team is going to come over and clean your bedroom. I wonder how this helps you. We used to do a lot together but now you can’t do anything without consulting me or the PACT team.” I do not know if the PACT team sees Sue in the same context as I view Sue. I have

noticed that Arlene who has been a longtime friend has not had much with Sue over the past year. In Fact it’s becoming less and less. Also Sue’s mother has been having little or no with Sue. Sue will make a commitment to do an activity with her mother and then for whatever reason her mother cancels out, why I don’t know. I intentionally give her ideas of things she can do but it goes in one ear and out the other. The more agitated and frustrated I become, the more depressed I become because I care a lot about Sue. I have talked this over with Stephen and he agrees with me. I must realize that Sue’s condition is worse than mine at least at certain times. By realizing this maybe I can see Sue in another way. I should listen to her problems but not try to solve them. I feel this is the only way I will be able to keep myself from getting too depressed with Sue, by being a good listener. I was woken up late by Stephen this morning. I had to get ready right away if we want to make mass on time. I like to get to mass early because I do not like people staring at me when we go into church. I pick the same seat every week. By getting there early I am also able to pray until mass starts. This morning for some reason I was not able to keep my eyes open. I felt so sleepy. I was also thinking a lot about my mother. I could not get her out of my mind. I was also feeling very guilty. I did not mention this to Stephen after mass because I thought he might take it negatively. Jill called me last night. I guess she had visited Aimee for four days in Pensacola. When she went home she came down with the flu. I talked to her awhile. She started crying about Richard and Harry not having anything to do with her or my Dad because Sam is still living with them. Jill told me that my father was very hurt because no one is calling or visiting him anymore and it’s all because of Sam. My father even refused to go with Jill to see Aimee because he didn’t want to leave Sam alone while they were away. I can’t blame him for that. I told Jill that Sam has dug his own hole and he’s lost faith from the family because of his crimes with drugs. I asked Jill if she thought about putting Sam in rehab and she said that Sam doesn’t think he needs it. Jill thinks Sam is free from drugs. I kept silent because I did not want to get involved. I have enough to worry about. Jill told me that Sam thinks Stephen and I walk on water because of the three years we took him into our home. Stephen is so angry with Sam that he doesn’t ever want to see him again. We gave him

everything we could. He was treated just like our own children. When he graduated from high school and went to Bridgewater State College, he went back to drugs. Who’s to say with Sam’s reputation that he won’t fall back on drugs or that he is still on drugs without Jill’s awareness. I can only pray that God gives Sam the strength to stay away from drugs and to make a new life for himself. This has not been a good day for me, from the constant nightmares to all the thoughts racing through my head. Michael came home from work as per usual. A little while later Caity came over and went up to Michaels room as per usual. After a few more minutes Tim came over and I said, “Hi, I think their upstairs.” Tim thanked me and proceeded upstairs. About two minutes later Tim came back down and left. I had a bad feeling with this action. After maybe ten minutes I heard Caity crying. I couldn’t just sit listening to her cry so painfully. I looked over at Stephen and he was his normal self at this hour, asleep. I finally made a decision to go upstairs and see if everything was alright. The door to Michael’s room was slightly ajar and he and Caity were sitting on the bed. I spoke to Caity very concerned. I asked, “Caity are you okay?” Michael spoke up and said that they were just talking and he got up and shut the door. I was still concerned. I finally went back downstairs and sat in my usual position watching the television, though not really watching. I was listening for something from upstairs. Next I heard Caity come downstairs and I caught a glimpse of her getting ready to leave. Before she left I called out, “Caity wait.” I got up and walked out to the kitchen to see Caity in tears and very distraught. I asked, “Would you like to talk?” Caity answered,” No, I have to leave now. I can’t stay.” I said, “Are you sure you don’t want to talk,” as I put my hands on her shoulders. She reiterated, “No I can’t, I have to go now. Please, I have to leave.” And she walked out the door. I stood there wondering what had happened. I just couldn’t imagine Michael and Caity apart. I love Caity as my own daughter. I see her and Michael getting married in a couple of years. I became distraught. I went and sat thinking about this rather crucial disaster. After a few minutes I went upstairs and I knocked on Michaels door asking, “Michael would you like to talk?” I could hear in Michael’s voice that he was crying when he answered, “No I don’t want to talk right now.” I quietly went back downstairs with tears running down my face. Thoughts of them breaking up were furiously going through my head. I wanted to be able to do something

but I didn’t know what. Stephen woke up. I told him of what had transpired while he was sleeping. Stephen told me not to get any more involved than what I already had. My mind was so full of hurt. Michael and Caity had never had any kind of argument or fight in the five years they’ve been going out. I ignored Stephen thinking that I must help but how. Do I make Michael mad by prying into his personal life? Is there something I can say to give him hope? Caity is just such a wonderful person. I thought and I thought. I felt hopeless and useless. This is how things always workout for me. I can never make things right. I am just not smart enough to figure out a strategy. I did not sleep well last night. Ever since the row between Michael and Caity I feel so depressed. I could not look at Caity last night without wanting to hug her, to help her with her pain that was so evident. I guess while I was getting ready for my day, Stephen went and had a talk with Michael about last night. When he got all the news he came and told me what had happened. According to Stephen, Caity had a friend that was away in the Army and had recently returned home to Middleboro after his two year stint. When he got back he phoned Caity and they went out. Michael found out, whether Caity told him or not, I am not sure. Michael left for work at the same time as Stephen. Today was my day to work at the Sacred Heart Thrift Store. The whole time there I couldn’t get the two of them out of my mind. I ended up calling Aimee and telling her about it all. I also asked her if she could call Michael and talk to him. She said she would. When I came home from the Thrift Store I wrote a small note to Michael asking if I could talk to him for just a couple of minutes. I specified that I didn’t want to nag. A few minutes later Michael came home from work and he read the note. I said can I just say something. Do you when John and Tina were going out? when they broke up and Tina married someone else but it didn’t work out, and today she is back with John. I just want you to know that Caity loves you very much. I love Caity also. I am so sorry to see the two of you break-up. Michael then said, “Caity and I might be getting back together. She is on her way over right now.” Michael then went upstairs to his room. Within ten minutes Caity came in the door and I looked at her cute face. I said, “Hey, you need a hug.” Caity replied, “I need to give you a hug also.” We both embraced. There were tears and Caity said, “I was so stupid. I can’t believe that I was so

stupid.” I replied saying, “Yah know Caity all of us are stupid at different points in our lives.” Caity gave me a smile and then went upstairs. I could hear crying, Caity apologizing and then a few minutes later they were talking and lastly they were laughing and talking. They were back together. I thanked God for bringing them back together. Today is another day at the Thrift Store where I volunteer every Monday. There is a group of about 5-6 people. Our job is to unload the bags of items we receive and sort them out by men, woman, children, infants, books, appliances and toys. We are trying to get everything set up so at the end of May we will be able to start selling the items. I am very amazed by the number of items we get and also the excellent condition everything is in. So when I go today I am bringing my water colored pictures which are all flowers and I have framed them also. I am going to let all the volunteers pick out a picture if they would like one. When I brought them in everyone was so excited. They all had fun picking out a picture. Daly had two and she couldn’t choose which one she wanted. I told her to take both. She hugged me and said she would make sure that they went in a special place. Pauline, another volunteer asked if I had any roses, so I found her a deep red rose. She loved it. She couldn’t stop praising me for the picture. Pauline is a great person. She is very candid. She reminds me of one of those straight comedians. By the time we were done for the day I went home pretty exhausted. I had to sit down and relax awhile. There just seems to be so many things happening to me lately. There are times where I feel that I’m not going to make it through the day. I am dealing with problems and strife amongst family and friends but my heart is not a very stout one. I hurt and with my hurt comes despair and depression. At this moment I am thinking of Aimee and Sean. I am wondering how they are doing on their trip to San Diego. I hope that they are looking at this trip as an adventure, as it will bring new things, new friends, and a brand new life. I pray that it’s a life with an influx of constant change. With the change may they learn responsibility from all the transformations that may cross their paths through life?

Chapter Twenty-Five

STEPHEN HAD MENTIONED THAT WE will need a new roof soon. After he said that, I took it upon myself to call some roofers to get some estimates on the roof. Stephen didn’t take it with appreciation as I thought he would. He tells me that I have to stop spending money. Also Stephen is always telling me to get out in the yard and not always sit in the house all day, so I went and bought some grub-ex and some grass seed because our front yard needs it. When I told Stephen he was very upset because I was spending money again. I just want to give up trying. What good does it get me? It’s not like we can’t afford it. Why wait and let things get worse. Stephen called me from work to see how I was doing. He said that he was busy with meetings all day so he did not have much time to talk. I reminded him that there is someone coming around 7:00pm to give an estimate on shingling the roof. I reminded Stephen of my dentist appointment at 5:15pm tonight. This morning I am supposed to be at the thrift store, but I have another roofer coming at around 9:00am to give another estimate. When I am done we will have three estimates. So far they seem pretty close in value within a hundred dollars or so. I was also supposed to attend the WINGS Program today. This is the last one for the spring season. They will start up again in the fall. The roofer came and he said he would send me an estimate within the next couple of days and left. I still had time to go to the thrift store but I wouldn’t make the WINGS Program. There is so much work to get done at the thrift store, that’s why we are coming for two days. Normally we only set things up on Mondays. Because the thrift store is not open in the winter we have tons of stuff to go through. One thing we are doing is putting the winter items away in a second garage until the fall. Now we are putting out spring and summer items.

Stephen is in Oregon today and tomorrow on a customer visit with the owner and a salesman. I am also waiting for Stephen to call. I have no idea what time he will arrive. He probably won’t get to call much because they will be in meetings all day. While I was out Aimee called and left me a message to call her back. I managed to work up a sweat at the thrift store. I sweat when my anxiety gets high and it’s my time to leave for the day before I get overwhelmed with stress. Carol also called while I was out. I called her back but she was on another line and said that she would call back. I see Debbie tomorrow. I have no idea what I will talk about. Last week I was full of anger about a number of things, from my book g to my press release to trying to my first novel, an autobiography. I was upset with Stephen and with Aimee about monetary situations. I just had a lousy week and things are not getting better. Friday is my ECT. I don’t know what to give as my level of depression. They ask every time I go for ECT. I have given my book away to so many people whom I thought would read it. But that happened not to be the case. Many people started to read my book but I guess they didn’t have the enticement to finish it. I guess I’m not a good writer who keeps the reader wanting to get to the next part of the story. I feel hurt that people can’t show interest in my works. Through my writing I try to better myself and show people where I once emerged from a life of darkness. Now I am trying to recall poignant parts of my life that led me through many rocky roads in which I would become lost. I did not understand me. I knew nothing of the person I was or were I was going. I was so mixed up with myself and with others I would come to meet. At times I would feel meaningless. I slept in late this morning, I guess because Stephen is away and I miss him. The cat and the dog were waiting for me to feed them and let them outside. These past two weeks have not gone well for me. I can’t get Aimee out of my mind. I worry about her so much. And now I have Michael and Caity to worry about. Also I don’t know if John and Tina will be moving to their new home in Bridgewater. I guess something happened to their paperwork. I hope it all gets sorted out. Why can’t anything ever go smoothly? What do I say to Debbie today? I’m sad, I’m angry, and I’m trying very diligently to keep motivated. For the past three days I have not written in my journal. I just can’t seem to get the energy to think and write. I feel like I am losing myself.

Today is Sunday and I didn’t want to go to church this morning. I just have no energy lately. I helped Stephen prepare everything for our Sunday dinner today. We will be having John, Tina, and Michael, along with Stephen and me. It’s been quite awhile since we have had Michael for Sunday dinner. He usually works every Sunday. We had a great dinner. It was enjoyed by everyone. After clean-up the guys sat and played their weekly game of cribbage while Tina and I talked about different things. Later in the day after everyone went their way Stephen and I sat down to relax awhile. I turned on the TV and saw a movie that sounded interesting. It starred Julia Roberts. It was called The Mona Lisa Smile. I tried to get Stephen to watch it but he thought it was a girly movie as he calls them and put his headphones on to work on his laptop. I thought the movie was excellent. I was somewhat upset with Stephen, because anytime I want to watch something and he thinks its girly he refuses to watch it. Yet when he watches a movie he likes even if it is for the third time I will sit and watch it with him. I call it sharing our time together. A good example was this morning; The Three Stooges were on television. Now I don’t really like the Three Stooges but I sit and watch them with Stephen. There are many times that I watch movies or listen to music Stephen enjoys, but when it comes to things I like whether music or movies he shows no interest. He will get hypercritical with me about the things I enjoy. Well today I became very agitated because I was thinking about all of this as I sat watching the movie on my own. Stephen doesn’t even show appreciation of my books, my artwork, and even movies I like. I always show appreciation for anything Stephen likes. I always compliment him on his work, whether it is cooking, creating things, fixing things, and even deg things for work. I try very hard to please Stephen, but nearly every time I do something that I think will please him the opposite happens. Either I am spending too much money or I didn’t ask his advice first. He makes me feel as though I do not know what I am doing. Stephen has a lot of his father in him. He’s always telling me how his father would never buy anything when he was young and growing up. His family had to do without a lot. His father was afraid that they wouldn’t have the money when they needed it if he bought things when the kids were young. Something else that bothers me consistently is the dog. I even get jealous of all the attention given to the dog. How many people get jealous of a dog? I don’t think too many. Sometimes I don’t feel anything towards Max. He’s just a

nuisance and I put up with him. Others times I try to make light of the situation. Stephen will tell me stories about the dog and I will laugh to share Stephen’s story. The dog gets me angry when I am sleeping or almost asleep and then Max will start barking. I nearly jump out of my skin. I get so frustrated. Nobody else seems to be bothered by the dog except me, so I put it to the fact that I am jealous. Then there are times when I’ve been writing my book and I will ask Stephen to read a part to get his impression. He doesn’t want to that is always evident. He might read some but then he’ll say, “Are you happy with what you wrote?” I will say “Yes, but I would like your opinion.” Stephen will tell me,”If it’s what you want to say then just leave it.” I ire and value Stephen’s opinion on just about any subject. There are many times where he will come up with something no one else knows about. He is just so intelligent and I don’t have the same level of intelligence. This is the main reason why I want him to share his ideas with me. Sometimes my grammar is off or I have a run on sentence, or maybe a word I have chosen is too caustic, these are the times I need Stephen’s help. He’s afraid I will get mad so he tries to stay away from giving me suggestions. I feel hurt because I am trying to make a statement with my stories but there are times my format needs to change. I respect whatever criticism Stephen gives me because I know he is helping me. I want Stephen to be proud of my work with my books like he once was with my engineering skills. Yes, there are times in which I get annoyed and frustrated and it bothers me because I see my mother in me. I don’t think Stephen knows how hard I try to make our marriage special, one in which we share our thoughts, our emotions and our love. I can’t think of any other way to explain my feelings. I can feel myself sinking again. The ECT’s were helping but with so much happening lately, things just aren’t going my way. I need to start swimming against the tide of my depression. I don’t think I will be going to the thrift store today. I’m feeling very depressed. I did not sleep well last night. Thinking about Stephen bothered me. I must stop getting myself into these silent moods where I don’t say anything. This morning Stephen tried to talk to me and he put his hand out to me and I ignored him. Maybe I’m the one who’s being selfish. Finally I commented to Stephen that we need to talk. He said, “Okay, let’s talk.” I just sat looking at the counter for five minutes. I guess I was wondering what I was going to say or how I was going to

say it. I’m not good at communicating my feelings through speech. Stephen started by trying to apologize for not being in a good mood yesterday. I said, “It’s not that. It’s sharing things together. We’re married and part of our marriage is sharing things with each other, our likes and dislikes.” I mentioned the fact that I watch lots of things you like even though I’m not really into it sometimes.” Stephen said, “You don’t have to watch what I watch if you don’t want too. You can go read, listen to music, or go type on the computer.” I said, “That’s not the point. It’s sharing sometimes. Sometimes I feel all alone. I feel useless and hopeless. Stephen is a good husband and I shouldn’t expect him to like everything I do. It’s just that sometimes I like to do things I think he will appreciate, but that doesn’t always happen. He gets annoyed with me spending money. Marriage isn’t about money, it’s sharing and if we need something we will get it while we can. Prices can go up and maybe they’ll go down. I don’t think I waste money. Yes, I have given money to the kids when they have needed it. I also buy things when we need them. I am not the type of person who goes out shopping everyday. If things were up to Stephen there would never be any money spent. We would live like paupers, which is the way he grew up.

Chapter Twenty-Six

I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT WITH Dr. Figman this morning at 9:00am. I need to ask him if he wants me to stay every other week with my ECT treatments or to go to every three weeks. I told him how I have been feeling and he said he would like me to stay with every other week for now. He said he would call Caritas Norwood ECT department and talk to Dr. Young. As I went home I started thinking about all the things that I haven’t been doing lately. My writing in my journal just doesn’t seem to be filling my mind with thoughts and feelings. Not always having the right expression of words come to you can be a natural occurrence. I ask that God fill me with his words so that I may reach people who suffer whether it is from trauma, mental illness of all types or even just the everyday things life hands us. I ask as a friend to listen to the feelings and thoughts of your heart. It is God talking to your heart. God will ask nothing of us that we are not capable of acting out. These journeys are given to us so we shall grow with the wonderful spirit that guides. But it is up to us, the children of God as to whether we are willing to follow his majestic path that leads us to our true home. It is there in the heavens awaiting our arrival to meet God our Father. He is the merciful one filled with everlasting love, a love where forgiveness spills out and abounds our physical selves to a unity with the Father. Over this past year I have been off and on with writing in my journal. My entries are not daily as they were at one time. I might go for a couple of weeks then stop for a couple of weeks. I feel that my thoughts are not coalescing. Time is ing me by. I don’t even know what to write anymore. My state of depression is not very well. Stephen and I took Michael and Caity to a very unique ice cream store the other day. Stephen had heard about it last spring and we decided to take a ride to it one day. We knew that Michael and Caity would really love the place. Since Michael

is the only one living at home now, Stephen and I try to find things to do with Michael and Caity. There is not much that interests them, so whenever we find something that is unusual and peculiar we will talk them into going with us. It is very offbeat because as you walk inside to sit at a table there is a door to a backroom, a tropical jungle. As we sat eating our ice cream we looked around the room to see all kinds of antiques. I love antiques. If anyone comes to my home they are impressed with the antiques we have decorating the house. After we finished our ice cream we decided to show Michael and Caity the jungle out back. The crème de la crème was the tropical jungle in the back room. They have so many species of parrots and cockatiels. They have many species of frogs, snakes, turtles, spiders, lizards and even chinchillas and goats. It was just a menagerie of critters. I can see young children being ecstatic seeing these brilliantly colored talking birds along with the rest of the zoo. Michael and Caity really enjoyed themselves. It was worth the trip just to see the expression on their faces.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

I HAVE BEEN THINKING OF my mother again. I sent her a card for Mother’s Day. I haven’t heard from her so I decided to call. Nathan answered the phone. I said, “Hi Nathan is Nana there?” He said, “Hold on a second.” I could hear him calling my mother saying it was Auntie Deanne on the phone. Next my mother answered. She was very happy to hear from me. She actually got excited. I asked her if she received my card. She said, “No.” I told her that I sent it out on Monday. I was surprised she hadn’t received it yet. She asked for everybody. I told her how all the kids were doing. She even asked about Carol this time. I told her that Carol was doing fine. I told her that Carol will not call because she doesn’t want to have Anne answer the phone. She just cannot deal with it. My mother blessed me for calling and said, “Thank-you and I do love you.” I guess Anne was out working so my mother was able to say that she is not happy with the way Anne treats her at times. She also told me that she even gets depressed. I told her that she should look into seeing a therapist. With my mother and Anne it’s back and forth with their getting along. It’s always changing. After we said our good-byes, I thanked God for being merciful and forgiving. I was not angry when I talked with my mother. I sort of felt good about myself. I was actually able to tell my mother that I loved her. Lately I just can’t seem to get myself motivated. I don’t walk anymore. I haven’t walked in a long time. This is the second week I haven’t volunteered at the church thrift store. Poems are not a bright shiny collage of words full of imagery. I haven’t been calling Sue. It’s becoming less and less. My final novel seems like I’m stalled not knowing what to write. My mind seems asleep. Yet when I sleep I

have nightmares. Just like the other night, I dreamt that I was massacring all these people who hated me and made me feel as though I was suffering with no self-esteem. I didn’t want them looking at me. Once I started I couldn’t stop. I was filled with a craziness of emotion. I had a knife in both hands with which I kept lashing out while everyone screamed. Then I woke up. It was so scary. I was in a cold sweat. This has probably been one of the scariest dreams I have ever experienced. I just lay in bed with my eyes wide, seeing my dream. I could not sleep. I made myself do a bunch of errands this morning. Some were for Stephen and some were for me. I have been editing my next book. Now I just need to sign off on the publishers copy to make it ready for print, if I don’t think of anything else to add. Tomorrow I will be interviewed at the house by a reporter from the Middleboro Gazette at 6:00 pm. I’m so anxious about doing this. It is something that I have never done before. I asked Stephen if he could be present in case I get too nervous. My anxiety can loom per its usual, if that happens I forget words and I will appear as a dummy stumbling on what I want to say. I just can’t seem to ponder my thoughts. What’s wrong with me? Friday is my ECT Treatment. I don’t know how long I will be having them every other week. Dr. Figman thinks I should stay at every other week for awhile longer. My friend Sue is calling. I talked to Debbie the other day about my relationship with Sue. I told Debbie that I want to keep Sue as a friend but I don’t like her attitude with PACT. It’s her indecisive behavior of not having the ability to make her own decisions and doing things on her own. I have always liked Sue but as of late I feel a hindrance in our friendship. I feel that the more I try to help Sue the harder it is for me to acknowledge her actions. I am afraid of hurting Sue’s feelings, but I really don’t know how to let her know my feelings in a gentle way. Well I made it through the interview with the reporter. He asked the questions. I answered as best I could. He said it would be in next week’s Gazette. He also asked if he could take a picture so I let him. I probably should have said no. The paper comes out next week, the same day as my book g. The director of the library is a longtime friend of mine and she is helping me out with it. It starts at 6:30pm. I made up two foam board tri-folds to display in the library about my

book. I’ve been having nightmares about the g. In my dream the book g is a disaster; nothing goes right which has always been something that agitates me and raises my level of anxiety. I had my ECT this morning. Dr. Young talked to me this morning. He mentioned talking with Dr. Figman, and keeping the treatments every other week for a bit longer. He asked if I was suicidal. I said, “No.” I said that I’m not feeling great but I’m doing okay. My treatment went alright. I came home and slept the whole day. This I know is a typical reaction, but I usually don’t sleep as long as I did today. I have so many things on my mind lately, the thing with Sue, thinking about the kids constantly, thinking about my mother more often, and feeling guilty about her. I have been feeling like I have a lot of things to straighten out in my life and with this depression I don’t know if I can accomplish them. The nightmares are just making my depression worse. I have been extremely anxious also. I can’t seem to sit still anymore. I am constantly finding things that I must conquer. Then I think; am I trying to get my house in order. Poetry is still negligible. Have I lost my ability to write poetry? It used to come to me almost daily. So now what? I have talked to Stephen and he wants me to start scrap booking. He mentioned going to Michaels Crafts tomorrow and picking up some things to get me started on scrap booking. Aimee and Sean’s first anniversary is coming up next week. I need to make a card to send them. They are in San Diego. Aimee doesn’t like her job but she said she will keep it while she looks for something else. She said that she is thinking about trying to get a job as a veterinarian’s technician. I encouraged her because she loves animals. I’m praying she gets a job she likes. John and Tina are still looking at houses. The townhouse they assumed they were going to buy fell through, but John says they have a couple of other houses their looking at in Raynham. With my mind constantly having racing thoughts I just don’t know how I will get through this book g tonight at the library. I started out this morning finding something decent to wear instead of my jeans and a tee-shirt. I wrote some notes on what I wanted to say when I am introduced. Danielle reminded the authors to keep our speeches between five to ten minutes. Stephen came with me to help. Also Caity sat with me because she designed the cover and I wanted to introduce

her and have her sign the books also. When I was introduced, I stood up in front of about thirty people. There was another author present and I think most of the people there were friends of hers. I was soaked with sweat. My leg was also shaking badly. This is a normal thing for me when I get over anxious. I did not pick up my sheet of notes. I was so nervous I actually forgot to pick them up. I ended up winging it. I spoke about my story, about the reason I wrote this particular story and who I wanted to reach. I cannot now everything I said but I do know that I almost forgot to introduce Caity. But thankfully I did . I thanked everyone for coming and hoped they would enjoy my story. Danielle walked by me and whispered, “Right on time,” and she walked out to the audience to introduce the second author. I thought the next author’s speech was done very eloquently. She did not seem nervous at all. Why couldn’t I be like that? After we were done boasting about our books, Danielle asked if anyone had any questions to ask the authors. Believe it or not there were quite a few people who asked questions of both of us. After the questions people lined up to buy books. I did rather well for my first book g. I was shaking as I was writing in my books and handing them to Caity. Caity was complemented by a lot of people at the g. I was happy for Caity. She deserved all the praise she received. At the g there stood Diane F. my friend and my roommate when I was at Caritas Norwood Hospital. We got along well during the time we were together. I was very happy to see Diane F. at my g. When she came up to me she could not stop talking. She was just so excited at seeing me. Eventually I managed to sneak a word in and she said she would talk to me after the g was finished. I said thanks and we would get together after the g. Once finished Danielle came over to me and said that I did a great job. She said that I stayed very composed as I talked. She noticed my shaking leg but other than that she thought I did great. I thanked her for her compliments and also for letting me have the book g. Next I saw Diane F. waiting for me, so I walked over to her and again she couldn’t stop talking. Diane F. is one of those incessant talkers. She can certainly keep a conversation going even with me being so quiet the whole time. She mentioned that she had a carload of gifts for me and Stephen. Diane had said that she may be having a kidney removed soon and she would be going back to Utah soon to see her Dad who was ill. She wanted to give me these gifts for being a great friend and also before she leaves for Utah. I invited her back to the house

and she was thrilled with the invite. Stephen had loaded up the car and was waiting outside so I had to go out to let him know I would be driving back with Diane F. to our house for a coffee. By driving with Diane F., I could show her the way. She is not from Middleboro. We got there fine and when I went to help Diane with the gifts I could not believe all the gifts she had brought. She said it’s an early Christmas. I was amazed at the number of gifts. Diane makes me think of her like a psychic or tries to give you that image of her. She said that she felt compelled to buy these gifts because I was one of her best friends and she said we were meant to meet at Caritas Norwood Hospital. It was in God’s plans for us. Lately I have been burdened with many thought provoking feelings on depression. But God has taken me under his wing and shown me what I can do if I leave things up to him. The night Diane F. left for her home I hugged her and told her how much I love her and that I will be praying for her with all her illnesses. It’s no wonder she is still able to walk and drive. I feel it is not her time yet. God still has a job for her to complete before she is called home. Diane F. left me to ponder our spiritual quest.

Chapter Twenty-Eight

ANOTHER THING HAPPENED TO ME this morning. After last night’s bookg being very busy and essential, I wanted to relax a bit. After Stephen and I sat with our morning coffee, Stephen made mention about going to the grocery store to pick up a couple of items for tomorrows dinner. So here we are at the grocery store and I suddenly hear someone calling my name. I turned and there was an old classmate from Mater Dei Academy. I was happily surprised to see Mary. I knew Mary lived in Middleborough because her daughter Nadine was a girl scout in my Troop some years back. Nadine and Aimee were the same age. I used to hang out with Mary at Mater Dei. She asked how I was doing. She asked about the kids. I told her that about a month ago I had gone to dinner with Sr. Eugenia and Mercedes. I told her how Mercedes had left the order to take care of her elderly mother. Mary said that she sees Mercedes every once in awhile at mass but she hasn’t talked to her. I introduced Mary to Stephen. I couldn’t if she had met Stephen before. I said Mercedes lives in Middleboro on Fuller St. My old schoolmate from Middleboro then told me that our old friend Maureen was not doing well. I asked what was wrong. She told me that she has a cancerous tumor on the brain. I asked if I could get her address and married name. I also asked Mary for her address and apologized that I did not her married name because of all my shock treatments. I told her how I have published three books and the fourth will be coming out next month. She asked if she was in the story and I said yes, you both are mentioned along with all the things we used to do. She asked where she could get my books. I said that I had some and I could send copies to them. She said, “It may give Maureen and me a little boost. I said that I would get right on it. After I got the addresses we said good bye. I now have my friend with the cancer her married name and address but I forgot to ask for her phone number. I checked the phone book where my Middleboro friend lives but it seems she is unlisted. For my friend with the cancer I called 411 and was able to get her phone number. Today is Memorial Day so I don’t know if she would be home or away with family. I am very nervous about calling her. What do I say to someone I haven’t seen in over 20 years. Also how

do you talk to someone who was your special friend at Mater Dei and is now dying of a cancerous tumor of the brain. Jesus can work miracles and so I pray that Maureen receives a miracle. Stephen suggested that I call my old schoolmate from Middleboro and ask her if she would go with me to bring my signed books to my other schoolmate who has cancer. Stephen thinks if I write a note and send the books it would be less personal. See what I mean I can never do anything right. I should follow his etiquette. It seems lately that my past is becoming part of my life again. I live daily trying to think of something I am able to do that might help someone in my life. My introverted behavior still lives in the lining of my soul. Fear, depression, anxiety, and yes anger these I am feeling now. I feel that a lot of things are expected of me whether it is family or friends. I want to help people like myself. I find it very difficult at times. So many times I want to hide in my room and read a book, sometimes I like to watch a movie or Star Trek. There is a book that I am reading right now and I’m at the beginning but with certain things happening I don’t know if I will be able to finish it because it is very close to home for me. Do I tell myself to stick with it because it will make me stronger or do I put it away somewhere never to be finished. If I do the latter will that make me weaker? These are things of which I am unsure. I will be seeing my therapist on our normal Wednesday appointment this week. I did not see her last week as she took a trip to Disney World with her daughter. I need to speak about all these things going on in my life right now. Also this Friday I have an ECT Treatment. They will ask on a scale of 1-10, ten being the worst where would I put my depression. Right now I can’t pick a number because I am unsure. If I say that as my answer they will probably have Dr. Young talk to me. Dr. Young has gotten to know me because he has been doing my ECT’s for some time now. Dr. Young seems to be a kind person and I see him smile a lot, I think that smiling is a good omen for me. The other day I heard my doorbell ring. I was not expecting anyone. As I walked to answer the door I saw a woman somewhat familiar standing there. As I opened the door she happily blurted out, “Deanne, how are you? It’s Denise from Mater Dei.” “Oh my God, Denise, How are you?”

Having my old schoolmates back in my life is making me feel a little awkward because it’s been years since we’ve seen each other. I am not sure what to say and if I do say anything I want it to be good. I just get so anxious at things like meeting a couple of old school friends. My anxiety will hit the roof in getting together again; only because I will be so nervous about what I will talk about. Stressful times can make me tremble and stutter but it is not my friends that make me stressed, it’s me and how I react to things. If I see them will it be for a reason? Maybe it is God’s way of helping me get through my incapacity for dealing with my Mental Health. I am starting to act like Diane F. as if God is speaking to me and I’m psychic. I know that I am not a psychic. I must realize that Diane F. is a friend with her own problems. There is the instance with Diane F. telling me all these moments that have happened and how she can tell people when something is going to happen. I say God Bless her for she can be so spiritual with people and I think that Diane’s spirituality does help certain people. Talking to my mother recently was something I made happen. I called her because of inner guilt. Why I ask are all these things happening to me. Am I supposed to read into these happenings? Are there special meanings for me to perceive? I must leave things as they are and move on with my life. I have been trying very fervently to keep myself motivated. Times are good and times are bad. I must take the good with the bad. This is something I have never been able to do in my life. I must listen to God’s voice in my heart. He will lead me to where I should be. I must put all my trust in him. In listening to the Lord’s voice as it penetrates our soul, we are also opened up to friends and maybe even family as they give sanction to our heart. It is not only the Lord who guides us in life. The Lord works through others who may have a special uniqueness that we may comprehend. Through others let our Lord guide us intrinsically as we walk following his goals. The Lord gathers us all into his circle to seek out and meet our community bristling with life, a life we shall always bear.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

RECENTLY I RECEIVED A PHONE call from my brother Richard informing me that our mother had fallen and broken her hip. She was at Falmouth Hospital. She had surgery on her hip and she was still in the emergency room. I became immediately overwhelmed over this accident. I told Richard that I would not be able to drive there on my own. Richard offered to pick me up, this way we would both be able to visit Mom. When Richard and me arrived at the hospital, Anne was nowhere in sight. We saw our mother and we noticed that she was a little under the weather from some painkillers she had been given. The nurse in charge told us that her surgery had gone well and they had to place a pin in her hip. Richard asked to see the surgeon but it seemed that he had left on vacation. The surgeon had told the hospital that he wanted her to be sent to Cape Heritage Rehab and nursing home in Sandwich. When the hospital sent Mom to Cape Heritage they took one look at her leg, said her foot was twisted out and decided to send her back to Falmouth Hospital. Richard and I were very upset about these circumstances. The nurse told us that they were going to get a specialist to come in and see our mother. We waited for the specialist and when he finally arrived he examined our mother and checked the surgery. After looking at her incision he proceeded to tell Richard and me that he would have done the surgery differently. He said that she would need a second surgery but they would not be able to perform the second surgery until she was completely healed from this surgery. Richard asked about what was going to happen now. The doctor said that he would write a strict set of instructions to be followed by the rehab facility. After writing the instructions the doctor gave them to the nurse to fax over to Cape Heritage. When they received the instructions they called saying that they would still not accept our mother.

This is now her second day in the emergency room at Falmouth Hospital. Richard became very upset and asked what was going to happen now. The nurse said that our mother would be itted to the hospital and that they would start looking into other rehab/nursing home facilities for our mother. Richard and I stayed until Mom was brought upstairs to a real room. We told Mom that we would be in to see her first thing in the morning. Before we left for home Mom asked that Richard become her new Health Care Proxy. The nurse in charge said that it would not be a problem. She said that the paperwork could be made up and Richard and Mom had to sign it. So Richard was now the health Care proxy and not Anne. While Richard and I were there to get things moving, they found a rehab facility willing to take Mom. It was Golden Living Center in Plymouth. Richard agreed to having Mom sent there because he lived in Plymouth. With my living in Middleboro, I would only be about a half-hour away. Anne would probably be about forty minutes away. Even though Mom was living with Anne and was home with Anne when the accident happened we had not seen Anne since all this happened. For several days Richard and I went to visit our mother. She seemed to be doing better. She started saying that she wanted to stay at this facility and did not want to go back to Anne’s home in East Sandwich. Our mother’s case worker spoke to Richard and me saying that Mom was also telling her that she did not want to go back to living with Anne. She said that Anne and Nathan, Anne’s thirteen year old son were verbally abusive. The case worker said that she had tried to Anne several times and was not getting anywhere. The nurses there were asking me for Mom’s clothes because she was still in a Johnny and the home liked seeing their clients in their own clothes. I apologized saying that I did not have her clothes, that my sister Anne had them. More time elapsed and still Mom had no clothes, so I decided that when I arrived home that night I would head out to the mall and get our mother all the clothes I thought she would need. It became a whole new wardrobe. At least now she had clothes like everyone else. Fran the case worker saw Richard and me again and said she heard from Anne who had apologized for the way she had acted when they last spoke. Anne agreed to come to a family meeting that Wednesday at 5:30 pm. So that Wednesday Richard, Anne, I, and Fran sat down together in the meeting room. Fran started off by saying that she was very pleased to see us present because it showed her that we were concerned with our mother’s welfare.

Almost immediately Anne spoke up snarling, “What is she doing here, meaning me.” I was told that this meeting was only going to be my brother and me. Also what is the purpose of this meeting? It is not what I had been led to believe.” I spoke, “Anne what is the problem with my being here. I have a right to be here because I am also concerned about Mom.” Anne would not look at me or answer me. I spoke again, “If you want me to leave I will.” Anne said, “No I am going to leave. I haven’t been told everything about this meeting.” Fran then spoke up asking, “Deanne would you mind stepping out for a few minutes.” So I rose and went to sit in the lobby. I was very upset. Terrible thoughts were running through my head. I was trying to figure out what I had done to upset Anne. After about fifteen minutes Anne walked out and as she was walking by me I asked, “Anne I would like to talk to you.” She kept walking. “Won’t you even look at me?” She walked out the door. I started crying. I felt so humiliated. Richard came out and asked me to come in to the meeting. Fran said that as long as our mother wanted to stay where she was that Anne could not do anything about it. She apologized to me for becoming so upset. Richard said, “You would not believe what she had to say about me. I will not even go into it with you because I don’t want to upset you any more than what you already are.” Richard had told Fran about my condition. He would speak to me later and tell me this. Fran said she would keep us in touch with how things will happen. Richard and I left for home. On my way home I started bawling. I could not clearly see the road in my condition. I started looking towards the sound barriers on the highway and just wanted to drive right into one. I don’t know what stopped me? The Lord had to have been with me that night. Two more days and I would be having another ECT. I was not able to go and visit Mom after the meeting on Wednesday. I had my ECT that Friday. The nurses could tell that I was upset. They asked how I was doing. I gave them some insight as to what happened Wednesday night. On a scale of one-ten, ten being the worst where would I put my depression. I said, “An eight.” Claire said she would have Dr. Young talk to me when he arrived. When Dr. Young arrived, I saw him talking to Claire and then he came right over to me. He asked me to scale my depression again and again I said, “Eight.” He asked me what was going on. I filled him in on what happened, about my thought of driving into one of the sound barriers that night. I told him that I was able to control my urges though. He asked if I was still suicidal. I said, “yes, but I think that I am able to control myself.” Dr. Young said, “Well an eight is very

high on the scale. Are you sure you can remain safe?” “I looked at him and said, “Yes.” Dr. Young looked at me for a minute or two and the next thing I knew I was waking up from my ECT. Stephen was waiting downstairs to take me home. When he saw me he asked how I was doing. I said, “Good.” When I arrived home I lay on the sofa and fell asleep for a long time. The weekend went by rather quickly. Richard had called me to see if I wanted to visit Mom again. I agreed. When we were both there in Mom’s room she spoke to us saying, “I’m worried about Anne.” Richard said what do you mean?” “Well if I stay here she will probably lose the house.” Richard became very angry because Mom is always doing things like this. She’s always changing her mind at the last minute. Richard asked, “Why are you changing your mind now? Did Anne come and see you?” “Yes”, mumbled our mother. Richard tried to tell her that she cannot worry about Anne. Richard said, “Anne has to worry about herself.” Finally he could see that this was going nowhere so he spouted, “Fine if this is what you want then fine. But I will not have anything to do with you if you move back with Anne.” As I listened to them both, I spoke up saying, “Mom you know that Anne and I don’t get along well, so I must agree with Richard. I will not be able to visit you at Anne’s place.” Richard spoke again, “I’m washing my hands of this whole thing. That’s it. I can’t take anymore.” Before we left we spoke with Fran. We told her what Mom had said and Fran reiterated the same to us. Fran said the only thing she can do is to fill out paperwork saying that Anne and Nathan were told to have been verbally abusive to Mary. Another month went by. My nightmares were at an all time high. I wasn’t sleeping well. I constantly had Mom on my mind. I was feeling guilty in not seeing her. I finally decided to call Richard and ask him if he had heard anything about Mom. When I called his house no one was home so I left a message. Another day went by and I still hadn’t heard from Richard so I called again and again I left a message. Finally I decided to call Anne’s place hoping Mom would answer the phone. But with my luck Anne answered the phone. I said,” Hi Anne is Mom there? ““What, haven’t you been to see her at all? She is still at Cape Heritage. They have just started her therapy,”Spouted Anne. “I didn’t know where she was, that’s why I called your number. Can you give me directions to Cape Heritage?” So Anne started racing through the directions. But once she was finished she started telling me all kinds of things that have been bothering her. One being no one ever told her about the transfer to Plymouth. I tried to say the hospital should have told her, but she cut me off. Next she said she has been taking care of Mom her whole life. She told me that I took off for Washington

and Carol moved out and the boys were in Vietnam leaving Anne the only one to take care of Mom. She told me, “That’s when I and Mom really bonded. We became very close.” Then she chided me, “ you moving back when you were pregnant?” I acknowledged her saying, “I had nowhere to go. “Yeah, and she took care of you and John for how many years?” Next, “When Mom was living with me did anyone ever call to see if I needed any help? Did anyone ever ask how Mom was doing?” I tried to say what about her living seventeen years with Carol and James but again I was cut off. For two and a half hours I listened to all of Anne’s woes. Yes I started to feel sympathetic towards her. I knew that her life hadn’t been easy either. In fact Carol’s life was a mess too. She went into everything from getting pregnant at fourteen, to getting married too young and having too many kids, then losing Robert in a car accident when he was in the Coast Guard. She even went into having Nathan after all her other kids were grown. How could I not sympathize with her? I tried to talk about the times I tried to help her but she didn’t want to hear me. Then Anne said something that I could not argue with. She said, “I’m not saying that Mom was innocent. She wasn’t. All she thought about was the church and she started doing everything for the priests. Dad was there for us, but he was angry with Mom thinking she loved the church more than him. Then she sent us girls to Parochial Schools and who had to work two jobs so that could happen, Dad. I can’t blame Dad when he found someone else. The divorce happened because they were both at fault.” “After the divorce the family fell apart. It was as though we didn’t exist anymore. Family, what family? And Mom never taught us girls about puberty, about sex, about marriage, or about life. We were sheltered from all that. That’s why we ended up the way we were. But I will give Mom credit for one thing she did for us girls, she taught us about God.” I had to agree with that. I said, “You’re right. I was messed up for awhile but I have come back to the God I know.” “Anne I am sorry for everything you’ve been through. I wish things could have been better for all of us but things didn’t turn out that way. We all have our ghosts. I want to try and mend the fence between us if I can. Richard is upset with everyone. He’s washing his hands free from everyone. I’m probably the only one he is still talking too, but who’s to say when things will change. Richard can get very hyper critical and over emotional at things to do with the family. I want to see Mom but it is nearly impossible for me to drive down to

Sandwich. I get lost just going places here in my own town. I lose my concentration when I drive. I don’t a lot of things from the past. The only way I will be able to see Mom is to have Stephen drive me.” Anne very calmly said, “Deanne I can come and get you and bring you to see Mom. I don’t mind at all. How about tomorrow? What time can I pick you up?” Suddenly we were talking not as enemies but as sisters. I thanked her so much. I said, “Whatever time is good for you will be fine for me.” We decided on 9:00am. because it takes almost an hour to drive to the Cape. Immediately after saying good-bye the phone started ringing. I saw that it was Richard. I answered saying,”Hi, how are you?” Richard apologized for just getting back to me. He apparently was up in New Hampshire. I said,”I just got off the phone with Anne.” Richard said, “Oh yeah, how did that go?” I said, “It went well. Anne talked to me for nearly two and a half hours.” “Really, what did she have to say?” “Well I called her to see how Mom was doing. She is still at Cape Heritage. Anne is not sure how long she is going to be there. I mentioned to Richard that Anne had been upset about Mom being sent to Plymouth. I said, “She spoke a lot about her and Mom being very close. She said that they bonded when she was the only one left living with Mom.” Richard sneered, “Don’t believe anything she says. She’s nothing but a liar.” Richard then said, “Well if you really want to see Mom, maybe I can meet you somewhere and we can drive down to see her. You can let me know.” After hearing this I couldn’t tell him that Anne was taking me to see Mom tomorrow morning. I knew if I did that Richard would get very angry with me and wash his hands of me also. I am trying to be neutral. I don’t want to be enemies with family. The next morning came with me feeling overwhelmed with anxiety not knowing how this trip with Anne would go. Anne was there right at 9:00am. I hopped into the jeep and said, “Hi. How are you?” Anne said the same and we were off to Sandwich. Anne started talking about more things that were bothering her. I did what I do best, I listened. When we arrived at Cape Heritage I was still anxious about seeing Mom. We walked to her room but Mom wasn’t there. So we went to the rehab room and sure enough Mom was lying down on a bed and the therapist was trying to get her to sit up by putting her feet on the floor and then using her hands to pull herself up. I watched for a few minutes and then Mom noticed me and all of a sudden this big grin came across her face and she said, “Deanne, oh my God it’s

you. How are you? I’m so happy to see you.” To the therapist she said, “This is my daughter Deanne.” The therapist said, “Hello, nice to meet you.” Anne asked how her therapy was going. The therapist said, “She’s doing better. We’re working on it, right Mary. She’s almost done with her therapy. We are going to use the walker and do a little walking, okay Mary.” Yeah,” smiled Mom. Anne said, “You’re doing good Mom. When you finish with the walker would you like to go outside? It’s a beautiful day out.” Mom smiled at me again and I smiled back saying, I am glad Anne picked me up to bring me to see you.” Mom said, “I am glad too.” I smiled saying, “I’m going to try and get down here more often.” Mom said very adamantly, “When?” I could notice a little bit of scorn, but could I really blame her. Yes I was feeling guilty. I did not want her to expire someday without my visiting her.

Chapter Thirty

CAROL JUST CALLED TO SEE how I was doing. I told her about talking to Anne. I mentioned that Anne picked me up today to see Mom. Carol asked how things went. I said, “Actually everything seemed to go fine. The only thing is that Anne couldn’t stop talking about her past and how the family destroyed any selfesteem she ever had.” Carol repeated, “That’s true none of us were given any self-esteem. What else did she say?” “She had so much to say that I cannot everything word for word. She mentioned that her and Mom bonded and became very closeknit when Anne was all alone living with Mom. I told Carol about the comment Anne made of Mom never teaching us about things in life that we needed to be taught, such as puberty, sex, marriage, and life. Carol had to agree. I told her I couldn’t much more about our conversation. I also told Carol about Richard’s hot temper when he gets talking about Mom and us kids. I said how Richard’s mad at the entire family with exception to his own family and as of right now I am still in his good graces. I just am not sure how long this will last. In this way Richard is like me. He wants to have a family like other families. He wants a family you can show love and it will be reciprocated. Richard wants a family when in need can count on our parents and siblings and vice-versa. I am finally realizing that our family will never be this way. It hurts all of us emotionally. We want what we cannot have. When we become old and feeble will we feel differently? Who knows! Yesterday was a very bad day for me. I had talked to Carol the night before about Anne. She called me this morning to ask me if I could watch Mom once in awhile to give Anne a break from watching Mom 27/7. She said where Stephen works on the Cape, he would be able to bring me down on his way to work then Anne could drop me off when Stephen’s ready to leave at night. I felt obligated to say yes.

Carol called me a short time later. Carol became very upset with my decision saying that I’m letting Anne reel me in like her and Mom always do, because I cannot say no. She said, “Anne is nothing but a liar and will tell you anything to get you to do her dirty work.” Carol said,” Don’t do it Deanne. You know how it’s going to end up. Mom should stay at the nursing home. You need to talk to Mom’s Social Worker.” Carol could tell that I was getting upset. She said, “Listen Deanne if it’s what you want to do then do it. I won’t stop talking to you just because I don’t agree with your decision. I still love you.” Now I felt bad. I told Carol that I would call the Social Worker and ask her about Mom’s welfare. I also promised to call Carol after I talked with the Social Worker. Carol was okay with this and we said our good-byes. With anxiety working its way into my mind, I tried preparing myself to talk with the Social Worker. I was extremely agitated. I was not sure of how this would pan out. I still had to wait until about 9:00am. To make sure people would be in. So I called Cape Heritage. Someone answered saying, “Cape Heritage, How can I help you?” “Yes my name is Deanne Winter and I am calling concerning my mother Mary White, I am her daughter, Deanne Winter. I would like to talk with her Social Worker if I may?” “Hold on just a minute.” A few minutes ed and Pat my mother’s Social Worker answered the phone. “Hi this is Pat Mary’s Social Worker. How can I help you?” I explained the reason for my calling. I said that I had been in communication with my brother and my sister. I said we were concerned about our mother going back to live with our sister Anne in Sandwich. Pat replied, “It is not up to us as to what your mother should do. She has already made the decision to move back with your sister, Anne.” I started to stutter asking if everyone in the meeting had any misgivings about our mother returning to Sandwich. I gave Pat some of our family history to fill her in on Anne and my mother not always getting along, and that my mother is someone who is constantly changing her mind. Still Pat said it was my mother’s decision. I then asked if she would be willing to have a family meeting with everyone present to talk about this move. Pat said that she would be willing to set-up a meeting but first she would need Richard and Carol to call her asking for the meeting. I responded saying, “Thank-you. I will get back to you.” After hanging up from Pat, I called Richard. He answered the phone. He was cordial and asked how I was doing. I told him about seeing Mom and about Anne asking me to take care of Mom on days Anne needed a break. Richard flew off the handle just like Carol did. I started weeping. Richard said that Carol had called him last night and told him about everything that was going on. He

asked me why I never asked him for the ride to see our mother. I told him that I had already agreed with Anne to bring me and I didn’t say anything to him because I didn’t want him to stop talking to me. Richard went into the same spiel as Carol did, about this turning into a disaster for me. He said that I should stay out of this. He asked why I was crying. I said she’s my mother and if she were to die tomorrow, do you know how guilty I would feel. I asked Richard if he would be willing to attend a family meeting. He became even more upset. I thought we agreed when Mom was still in Plymouth that we were going to let her do what she wanted. My weeping increased. “Just this meeting and if she still wants to live with Anne then I will leave it. Carol said she would go to the meeting also. “Richard said, “Alright this is it. I want you to know that I’m only doing this for you. Let me call and talk to the Social Worker and I’ll get back to you. Okay?” “Yes,” I cried. So as I hung-up from Richard, I called Carol at work. I explained what had just happened. Carol started to apologize asking me if I was alright. I lied saying I was doing okay and I didn’t blame her for anything. I told her I would call her back after I heard from Richard. After an hour Richard called. He said, “Hi, I just talked to Pat for the past hour. I gave her as much of our family history as I could. She reiterated that we should leave the situation be and let Mom make her own decisions. Richard said, “Deanne, if you want to go and watch Mom once a week then go ahead. I am not going to stop talking to you. I care about you. Okay.” I said, “No I will call Anne right now and tell her that I can’t handle this emotionally. I will apologize for telling her otherwise and reiterate that I cannot do this.” Richard said if I need to talk that I could call him. I thanked him and hung-up. Throughout this entire confrontation about our mother, Barbara, my sister-in-law had stopped by. She could hear all that was going on. She saw how emotionally depressed I was. She started rubbing my shoulders through my conversations with everyone. I called Anne. She answered. I said, “Hi, I have been talking to Richard and Carol and Mom’s Social Worker, Pat. I have come to the conclusion that I will not be able to watch Mom. I am just not stable enough. Anne seemed genuine when she said, “Oh Deanne I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to get you upset. I just thought that with Stephen working down the Cape this would be a way for you to see Mom.” I apologized and said that I had to go, and tried to hang-up. Anne

just kept talking as I was still sobbing. I knew she wasn’t going to let me go so I handed the phone to Barbara. I mouthed, “Please tell I can’t talk.” Barbara took the phone and very nicely said, “Hi Anne, I’m Deanne’s sister-in-law Barbara. I think Deanne really needs some time to calm down right now. She just cannot talk anymore. Okay. Thank-you. Good-bye.” Barbara stayed with me awhile longer to make sure I would be fine. I was able to stop crying. I thanked Barbara for being with me. God must have brought her over this morning because we don’t usually get together like this. I told Barbara that if she wasn’t present, I am not sure what would have happened. After Barbara left I sat and cried. I needed to talk with someone who could understand me. I called my therapist and said I needed to talk. Could she call me back? I waited but my therapist never called back. What was I to do? These past two weeks I haven’t been myself. I guess it started with my trying to reconnect with my mother. She is elderly now and showing signs of dementia. With her itted to a rehab facility for occupational therapy due to her fall from which she broke her hip and required surgery. I put myself in my mother’s shoes so to say. What would I feel like when old, ready to die, lonely and sad. My family rarely came around. This is so terrible a fate that strikes so many elderly who are placed in rehab/nursing facilities. I was feeling obligated to visit her, to tell her I love her, to show her that I have pushed my anger behind me so I can show repentance for my sins. So I started everyone’s fury as I always seem to do. Everyone is upset. They tell me not to get reeled in as I have always been in the past. They tell me that I cannot take the abuse that is bound to come, whether it be from my sister Anne or our Mom. I want things to change to bring about a reformation in our family but I see it will not come about. .So I have been depressed. I sit all day not wanting to even write in my journal as I once had. I have not the energy to paint a picture. I have not the motivation to call a friend of which I only have a couple. I had just started to walk but as quickly as I started I have stopped. Nightmares they still haunt my sleep. During the day as I sit on the sofa with no TV. no music, maybe a little reading and somehow wondrously I was able to make my Christmas Tins. There was a point in which I had all my ingredients and recipes lined up but I didn’t have the gumption to create. But eventually I managed to push myself through a job I used to find so enjoyable.

I find nothing enjoyable lately. I feel that I need to go back to three week treatments on my ECT’s. I’ve told myself that I need to hold on and not let go. I need to wait it out, my ECT. Have you ever felt as though you could look within yourself to see your feelings all submerged and hidden for fear that to let them loose would be disastrous. Where is the Hope that I seek. I need to feel Our Savior’s Hope within knowing that the family in which I was raised was never a real family. Yet I can visualize this family someday as a real family. Can we all someday together with our hearts outstretched into a loving, remorseful unity? A unity of family that was not but now is. To Hope, does it keep us going when all around us life seems desperate. Does everything we Hope for come to forebear? In reality no, but it depends on what we Hope for in our small intimate world of loneliness and despair. We must think of Hope in an impartial, unselfish way. Think of the reality of Hope. Will we become millionaires, will we get a great job with great pay and great benefits package. These are some grandiose things we hope for and therefore we are let down. We must Hope to wake each day ready to work toward conquering small, simple tasks at first, tasks such as seeing ourselves not ready to give-up. Pick a challenge which we think we can handle. Show our spouses and our children a love that you never felt. These are tasks worth hoping for. These are tasks that can be fulfilled. And as we travel our journey of Hope, we may make it a little harder to manipulate with each waking day. Recognize and see a challenge in yourself that when accomplished you can feel a new inner strength ri in your heart. This is Hope. Many people reading this may have felt similar actions when growing up with over stressed parents. How could we not show some of these effects towards our own families today? I know that I have always prayed that I never want to be like my mother was towards me, yet there are times her traits will show through and I hate this about myself. I am sure that there are many people who feel the same way.

Chapter Thirty-One

RECENTLY I HAVE FOUND MYSELF meeting many people from my past. They are from old friends I had at the Academy to some of the nuns who taught me and a friend from when I was last hospitalized. It seems so uncanny. I feel that these events have been met to happen. I feel that the Lord is helping me to face my past. I have actually met with two friends from the academy, Denise and Nancy along with two of our teachers, Sr. Eugenia and Mercedes. All the other sisters are no longer a part of this life. Mercedes left the order because she needed to take care of her elderly mother, so we cannot call her Sister anymore. When the five of us got together to meet for lunch it was just so fabulous. We all hugged. We felt so overwhelmed with love. It was our own mini reunion. We were surrounded by angels. I could see Our Lord smiling down upon us. The day was great. I am looking forward to another day together. I had enjoyed another special place this day on my spiritual journey. He is showing me that not everything in my life was a tragedy. These happenings were meant to help me grow and mature in life. I turned everything I went through into an emotional attachment within my heart, my mind, and my soul. My imagination helped me see things as special places. Early on during my childhood, I was so naïve that I was unaware of so many things about life. The many elements that happened to me would give me gut instincts comprised of feeling whether they were bad or was good. Today I still have those gut instincts to help me know when I am doing something right or wrong. There is a saying which goes; “We are our own worst enemies.” I ponder this on many occasions. This statement is true. I have never liked myself. In fact I loathe myself with the many actions I create around myself. Constant anxiety whenever I need to make a decision. Depression when I hurt people, not purposely it just seems to happen at times. Sometimes I feel my body crashing in on my mind. I become confused, destructive and hurtful. I cannot look in a mirror because I see my mother looking back at me none too happy. I feel downtrodden, as if I cannot help myself so how can I help others

like myself. My books have been a tool for me to express myself in a way that the mentally ill can find a hope in themselves. They can see themselves portrayed as a person who has an illness. Yet with this illness they see that there is anticipation and optimism inside their being, helping them to envision the dream to foresee a new future. So I end my spiritual journey with these words; always listen to the voice in your heart for it is your Heavenly Father guiding you to your home, a place where you will find peace. Mental illness cannot control you all your life. There is help and help is always available, you just need to seek it out. So l will end this part of my story with a boundless Hope that we can all share. Each morning I aspire to awaken to a special place deep inside my being. I thank God for each day I am given. I ask to be enabled to share through my story, honesty and truthfulness. Not all in my story is good. I have had bad times in my life and they have brought me into the dire straits of depression. Yet I want everyone with mental illness to know that we can share inside our being an auspicious celebration of our ideal for HOPE. Yes we will still have our down times. We just have to hang-in there knowing things will change. Nothing stays the same forever. Live! Live each day knowing Our Lord will be with us. Reach out with our hands to Our Lord. Our Lord is watching and listening to our hearts ready to serve when we are in need of his benefaction. May we all be guided on a spiritual journey through life being filled with God’s sacred power of HOPE? this word when you are downtrodden and feeling lost. that we can be uplifted always with HOPE.

Epilogue

I WANT TO THANK THE many people who have been part of my life. I have conceded that many times throughout my life there have been ups and downs but in the end there is peace. God is with us constantly, but what we must do is to be open to his voice inside our heart. Trusting God will bring us down a path that will fulfill our life as it was meant to be. Never compromise with any false beliefs, for they will take you astray. The light of life can fill you with a powerful heartfelt fullness of trust, peace, and freedom from fear. You will blossom into a beautiful person and you will burst forth with the light which will emanate from inside the richness of your soul. With this I say God Bless all people. I also pray a special blessing to all people who are burdened with any type of Mental Illness. Mental Illness may never disappear but the good times can always be reminisced.

Deanne Winter

About The Author

Deanne Winter is new to the world of being a novelist. She has published two novels based on her own life that takes her from childhood through adolescence and into adulthood. Deanne has now finished her latest book; “Hope.” Her story takes her through a spiritual journey which empowers the love of her family. Throughout her life Deanne has also dealt with levels of deep depression and anxiety. Deanne comes to understand that her mental illness will never completely disappear, but her faith in God helps her call for help when needed. Deanne receives ECT Treatment otherwise known as Electro-Convulsive Therapy or Shock Treatments. Deanne receives these treatments on a permanent basis to help her deal with her major depression and anxiety. Along with her treatments Deanne has been able to find Hope in her life today. With the help of family, friends, her faith, and her mental health team, Deanne see’s hope throughout her daily routines. Deanne has trouble when trying to voice her feelings. She finds herself becoming very anxious and may stumble with words and how she wants to say things. But through her written word Deanne feels that she is able to say exactly how she feels about her life and has learned to deal with the everyday nuances that riddle her days asking help through her faith in God. With prayer, church, and friends Deanne is able to see Hope in her future. With the idea of having Hope, Deanne understands that her major depression and anxiety may not disappear completely but it will help.

The Beauty of the White Lily

The White Lily is elegantly scented with beautiful trumpet shaped blossoms. They represent purity, hope, life, and a spiritual essence. History of the White Lily is filled with many stories of majesty, beauty, and spirituality. To quote from the Sermon on the Mount, when Christ said, “Consider the Lilies’ of the field, how they grow: they toil not, neither do they spin: and yet Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.” The White Lily is also linked to the sacrament of motherhood. They are also called, “The White-Robed Apostles of Hope.” The White Lily has been said to have been found growing in the Garden of Gethsemane after Christ’s agony. It is said that the beautiful white blooms sprung up where drops of Christ’s sweat fell to the ground during his final hours of sorrow and distress. The pure White Lily is also associated with the Virgin Mary. The Angel Gabriel is pictured extending a branch of White Lilies’ to the Virgin Mary announcing her as the mother of the Christ Child. Lillie’s have a spiritual side that in true repentance is a mark of purity and grace. They embody joy, hope, and life. I have chosen the White Lily from my garden because of its spiritual history throughout time.