All Kinds Of Humor: Jokes, Quips, And Fun Stuff For Many Occasions Over Forty Categories Book Ii 37624a

Frank Verano

Copyright © 2012 by Frank Verano.

Library of Congress Control Number: 2012917701 ISBN: Hardcover 978-1-4797-2218-1 Softcover 978-1-4797-2217-4 Ebook 978-1-4797-2219-8

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

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Contents

Preface

Introduction To Book 2

Men versus Women

Miscellaneous

Moral Stories

Old People

One-liner Puns

Paddy, Murphy, and Mick Series:

Parenting: Children and Parents

Poems and Nursery Rhymes

Political

Puns

Quips by Famous People

Redneck, Rural, Hillbilly

Religious Jokes

Sexy but Clean

Sexy

Shaggy Dog Stories

Smart Blonde

Southern Way of Looking at Things

Sports

Tasteless

Teaching Q and A

Teaching

The English Language

Preface

A book on humor is something like an Encyclopedia. Unlike a catalog or a dictionary. One does not usually sit down before a cozy fire to read a dictionary or a catalog. Yet, you’d definitely want to look up something in an Encyclopedia. Likewise, you’d certainly want to escape everyday worries to do some laughing by merely opening a book on humor.

Of course you could hire a comedian to amuse you. It is obviously impractical. But why not a book of humor? It sure costs less than a comedian. Assuming that cost is no problem for you, by all means hire the comedian for that time when you need to be entertained. So, if you do not have the money or the availability of a comedian is remote, why not a book?

You wouldn’t read an encyclopedia from beginning to the end. You’d be so saturated with knowledge that you would not need any other books(!) The book on humor is somewhat like an encyclopedia, If you tried to read it from beginning to end at a sitting, you’d be saturated too but differently. You would be ‘jaded.’ I know. I collected this humor for years on the Internet and when I decided to put it in a book form, some of the humor no longer generated a hearty laugh unless I revisited the humor much later. But it surely brought out much laughter when I told the joke to others.

But let’s go back to the cozy fire again and you need to lift your spirits. Let’s suppose further that you do indeed have this book in your hands. You are saying to yourself, “Ok, buddy, make me laugh.” (We all talk to ourselves, don’t you?) Open the book randomly to any page and you’ll get one category kind of humor. Turn to any other page again randomly and you’ll get a different category of humor. It is a book of suprises. But this isn’t the only way to use this book.

What about a social gathering, like a birthday party, or a cocktail party, or in a break from a game of bridge, or before your class, or to ‘break the ice’ in a romantic encounter, or even after a marital fight? Get the idea? This book is for all occasions.

Introduction To Book 2

When you need something funny for an occasion, how do you go about creating it? Most of us cannot dream up anything funny on our own. Oh sure, there are some who can create funny things spontaneously, but usually it happens in the course of a conversation and even then it is occasionally.

At all events where you are called upon to speak, it pays to follow the Toastmasters’ International guidelines and prepare for it in advance. When it comes to saying something funny or simply telling a joke to get your audience’s attention, it also pays to have a source.

In this book, there are over forty categories of jokes, puns, and other kinds of humor right at your fingertips. A joke book is more of a reference book than something you read from cover to cover as in novel. It might even be compared to a recipe book of a “How to” type of book.

If you are using this book in a hard copy form, the Contents will help you find the type of joke you need but you might still need to scan a few of them to find the one that suits your occasion.

On the other hand, if you are looking at a computer-type of screen, you can quickly go to a joke by clicking on the one-line description in the Contents.

Men versus Women

(Ctrl + Click to follow link. Alt + left arrow to return) (Many of these are also in separate categories)

MW01. Man and woman on mountain road: If men would only listen. MW02. Handsome man whispers, “I’ll do anything…” MW03. What women say and what men hear. MW04. Actual comments made by patients during colonoscopies. MW05. Woman’s perfect breakfast. MW06. Wife takes TV remote with her while shopping for revenge. MW07. “Isn’t Pillsbury your favorite flour?” MW08. After argument, wife refers to barnyard animals as her in-laws. MW09. Words heard by a man and a woman. MW10. Creation of man and woman. MW11. Wife is an appliance? MW12. Please shut up! Husband was being ticketed. MW13. What things are male and what are female?

MW14. Old man is revengeful into death. MW15. A male fairy tale. MW16. Why men are just happier people. Life is simpler for them. MW17. Geography of mankind. MW18. The gender of a computer. MW19. Strangers on train. MW20. The perfect couple enigma. MW21. Husband has bruised shins from playing bridge with wife. MW22. He’s not a carpenter, plumber, or electrician. MW23. Male or female? MW24. Damn women drivers!

1. Man and woman on mountain road. If men would only listen:

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells, “Pig!” The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, “Bitch!” They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road. Oh, well! If only men would listen…

2. Handsome man whispers, “I’ll do anything…”:

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail, probably a martini, with her girlfriends, when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her (as all men would). Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, “I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00… on one condition.” (There are always conditions.) Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.” The woman considered his proposition for a moment and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man’s hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly and meaningfully said… , “Clean my house.”

3. What women say and what men hear:

Why yelling at men is useless!

What a woman says: “This place is a mess! C’mon! You and I need to clean up! Your stuff is lying on the floor and you’ll have no clothes to wear if we don’t do the laundry right now!”

What a man hears: “Blah, blah, blah, blah, C’mon blah, blah, blah, blah, you and I blah, blah, blah, blah, on the floor blah, blah, blah, blah, no clothes blah, blah, blah, blah, right now!”

4. Actual comments made by patients during colonoscopies:

“Take it easy, Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.” “Find Amelia Earhart yet?” “Can you hear me now?” “Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!” “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?” “You know, in Arkansas, we’re now legally married.” “Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?” “You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the hokey pokey…” “Hey! Now I know how a muppet feels!” “If your hand doesn’t fit, you must acquit!” “Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.” “You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?” “Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?”

5. Woman’s perfect breakfast:

She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

6. Wife takes TV remote with her while shopping for revenge:

“Cash, check, or charge?” I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. “So, do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked. “No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.”

7. “Isn’t Pillsbury your favorite flour?”:

While attending a marriage seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife, Grace, listened to the instructor. “It is essential that husbands and wives know each other’s likes and dislikes.” He addressed the man, “Can you name your wife’s favorite flower?” Tom leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently, and whispered, “It’s Pillsbury, isn’t it?”

8. After argument, wife refers to barnyard animals as her in-laws:

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they ed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?” “Yep,” the wife replied. “In-laws.”

9. Words heard by a man and a woman:

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day… thirty thousand to a man’s fifteen thousand. The wife replied, “The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men.” The husband then turned to his wife and asked, “What?”

10. Creation of man and woman:

A man said to his wife one day, “I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.” “The wife responded, “Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me. God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!”

11. Wife is an appliance?

Son asks his mother the following question: “Mom, why are wedding dresses white?” The mother looks at her son and replies, “Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.” The son thanks his mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. “Dad, why are wedding dresses white?” The father looks at his son in surprise and says, “Son, all household appliances come in white.”

12. Please shut up! Husband was being ticketed:

An officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, “I clocked you at eighty miles per hour, sir.” The driver says, “Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at sixty. Perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.” Not looking up from her knitting, the wife says, “Now don’t be silly, dear. You know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.” As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?” The wife smiles demurely and says, “Well, dear, you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.” As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?” The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.” The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.” The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.” And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, “Will you please shut up?” The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, ma’am?” “Only when he’s been drinking.”

13. What things are male and what are female?

1. Freezer Bags: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2. Photocopiers: These are female, because once turned off it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

3. Tires: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often overinflated.

4. Hot Air Balloons: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

5. Web Pages: Female, because they’re constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

6. Trains: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

7. Egg Timers: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

8. Hammers: Male, because in the last five thousand years, they’ve hardly

changed at all and are occasionally handy to have around.

9. The Remote Control: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

14. Old man revengeful into death:

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!” Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone’s relief, he died of a heart attack when he was ninety-eight. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, “Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?” The wife put down her drink and said, “Let him dig. I had him buried upside down.” Women think of everything!

15. A male fairy tale:

Once upon a time, a prince asked a beautiful princess, “Will you marry me?” The princess said, “No!” And the prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged skinny long-legged big-tit broads and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer, and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was freakin’ cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up. The end.

16. Why men are just happier people. Life is simpler for them:

Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear no shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental $100. People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in thirty seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes—one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can “do” your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for twenty-five relatives on December 24 in twenty-five minutes.

Nicknames: If Laura, Kate, and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate, and Sarah. If Mike, Dave, and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba, and Wild Man.

Eating Out: When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave, and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually it they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

Money: A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

Bathrooms: A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than twenty of these items.

Arguments:

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Future: A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Marriage: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

Dres: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Natural: Men wake up looking as good as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

Offspring:

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments, romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears, and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

17. Geography of mankind:

The woman: Between eighteen and twenty-two, a woman is like Africa—half discovered, half wild, fertile, and naturally beautiful! Between twenty-three and thirty, a woman is like Europe—well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value. Between thirty-one and thirty-five, a woman is like Spain—very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty. Between thirty-six and forty, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit. Between forty-one and fifty, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all-conquering past. Between fifty-one and sixty, a woman is like Israel, which has been through war, doesn’t make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business. Between sixty-one and seventy, a woman is like Canada— self-preserving, but open to meeting new people. After seventy, she becomes Tibet, wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages, with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

The man: Between one and eighty, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts. The end.

18. The gender of a computer:

A church pastor who was previously a sailor was very aware that ships are addressed as “she” and “her.” He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first comprised women and the second men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender or the masculine gender. They were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because 1. in order to get their attention, you have to turn them on; 2. they have a lot of data, but are still clueless; 3. they are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem; 4. as soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because 1. no one but the Creator understands their internal logic; 2. the native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. as soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

19. Strangers on train:

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep—the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m awfully cold, and I was wondering if you could possibly me another blanket.” The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, “I’ve got a better idea… Let’s pretend we’re married.” “Why not?” giggles the woman. “Good,” he replies. “Get your own damn blanket.”

20. The perfect couple enigma:

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated, and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor? Of course, the perfect woman survived. She’s the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women can stop reading here; it is the end of the joke. Men can look further. So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you’re a woman and you’re reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen either.

21. Husband has bruised shins from playing bridge with wife:

Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on his shins, so he asked, “Do you play hockey, soccer, or any physical sport?” “Not at all. I just play bridge with my wife.”

22. He’s not a carpenter, plumber, or electrician:

A woman asked her husband to fix the toilet. He responded by saying, “I’m not plumber!” Then a couple days later she asked him to fix the table lamp fixture, to which he replied, “No, I’m not an electrician either!” A few more days went by when she tried to open a drawer, and it got stuck. She couldn’t open it. So she called her husband to fix it. “No, and I am not a carpenter either.” Then he went off to work. That evening, he noticed that the toilet was fixed, the lamp was fixed, and the drawer was fixed. He said to her, “I noticed that you got all these fixed by a plumber and an electrician and a carpenter. That’s good!” “No,” she said. “I didn’t call the plumber, electrician, and carpenter. I called our neighbor to fix these things, and he was good at it too. He did the carpentering, the electrical work, and the plumbing too.” He said, “You mean that big burly man two doors down the street? I didn’t think he was good at anything!” “Yes,” she said. “He came over and said he could easily fix them but that he would fix these things only if I either slept with him or fixed him a good meal.” “Gee, great,” he said. “What did you serve him?” Then she said, “Well, you full well know that I am a lousy cook.”

23. Male or female?

1. Freezer Bags: They are female. Although they are off the shelf items, they come in many different sizes.

2. Photocopiers: These are definitely male, because once turned on they’re good for only one thing.

3. Tires: Tires are female, because a man without a woman is like a car without tires. It “ain’t going no where.”

4. Hot Air Balloons are females, because without a fire to keep them up, they it will certainly land in someone else’s yard.

5. Web Pages are Male, because once you click on something to get there it wants your name, address and phone number.

6. Trains: No, definitely female because, like the Tires, the train “ain’t going no where” without the tracks

7. Egg Timers: Egg timers are male because after a short time after the weight has shifted to the bottom he turns it over and starts with another one.

8. Hammers: Female, because for the last five thousand years man kept them in

their arsenal of tools.

9. The Remote Control is male without doubt. And don’t laugh. They are all good for one thing, turn on and control the TV.

24. Damn women drivers!

Diving to the office this morning, I looked over to my left. There was a woman in a brand-new Nissan doing sixty-five miles per hour, with face up next to her rearview mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple seconds, and when I looked back, she was halfway over my lane, still working on that makeup. As a man, I don’t scare easily. But she scared me so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the doughnut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, my cell phone fell in the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the twins, ruined the damn phone, and disconnected an important call. Damn these women drivers!

Miscellaneous

(Ctrl + click to follow link. Alt + left arrow to return)

MI01. Make your excuses count. MI02. Eve’s side of the story. MI03. Women are better financial planners. MI04. The ant’s deep secret. MI05. A Swiss man asks for directions. MI06. English plurals. MI07. The Amish boy and the magic elevator. MI08. New York waiter efficiency scheme with two spoons in pocket: MI09. The parakeet squashed under the rug by carpet layer. MI10. Accidental thumbing of the nose. MI11. Sardines are like sailors in a submarine. MI12. American traveling in UK on leave. MI13. Desperate man in desert dying of thirst needs tie to enter restaurant. MI14. An employee approached his boss and asked for a raise. MI15. Pete is being trained to be a switchman and gives ultimate answer to the

test. MI16. Interpretation of geological diggings. MI17. Polish sausage buyer in hardware store. MI18. What Watson saw and what Holmes didn’t see. MI19. Life in the 1500s. MI20. The chili and the mouse in it. Love that chili. MI21. Jokes by number. MI22. Supermarket hires a college graduate. MI23. Travelers in European train and the insulting slap. MI24. A conversation in heaven.

1. Make your excuses count:

Life after death: “Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees. “Yes, sir,” the new employee replied. “Well, then, that makes everything just fine,” the boss went on. “After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you!”

2. Eve’s side of the story:

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. “So how is everything going?” inquired God. “It is all so beautiful, God,” she replied. “The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It’s these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They’re a real pain.” And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc., she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more “symmetrically balanced.” “That’s a fair point,” replied God. “But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.” And God reached down, removed the middle breast, and tossed it into the bushes. Three weeks ed, and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. “Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?” “Just fantastic,” she replied, “but for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.” God thought for a moment and said, “You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate, and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let’s see… where did I put that useless tit?” Now doesn’t that make more sense than all that crap about the rib?

3. Women are better financial planners:

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune. One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will die, and I’ll inherit $20 million.” Impressed, the woman obtained his business card, and three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

4. The ant’s deep secret:

A young ant spends a week at his new office with the retiring ant he is replacing. Each and every morning as the more experienced ant begins the day, he opens his desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing sheet of paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with renewed vigor, returns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins his day’s work. After he retires, the new ant can hardly wait to read for himself the message contained in the envelope in the drawer, particularly since he feels so inadequate in replacing the far wiser and more highly esteemed ant. Surely, he thinks to himself, it must contain the great secret to his success, a wondrous treasure of inspiration and motivation. His fingers tremble anxiously as he removes the mysterious envelope from the drawer and reads the following message: “Debits in the column toward the file cabinet. Credits in the column toward the window.”

5. A Swiss man asks for directions:

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. “Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks. The two Americans just stare at him. “Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?” he tries. The two continue to stare. “Parla Italiano?” No response. “Hablan ustedes Espanol?” Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.” “Why?” says the other. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”

6. English plurals:

We’ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes, But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes. One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese. Yet the plural of moose should never be meese. You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice. Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn’t the plural of pan be called pen? If I speak of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn’t the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat in the plural would never be hose. And the plural of cat is cats, not cose. We speak of a brother and also of brethren,

but though we say mother, we never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his, and him, but imagine the feminine: she, shis, and shim!

Let’s face it—English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger; Neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England.

We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly. Boxing rings are square. A guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. Why is it that writers write, but fingers don’t fing? And grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?

Doesn’t it seem crazy that… you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,

what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all people who speak English should be in an asylum for the verbally insane. In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

We ship by truck but send cargo by ship. We have noses that run and feet that smell. We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway. And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

And in closing if Father is Pop… how come Mother’s not Mop?

7. The Amish boy and the magic elevator:

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, “What is this, Father?” The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don’t know what it is.” While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again, and a gorgeous, voluptuous twenty-four-year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, “Go get your mother.”

8. New York waiter efficiency scheme with two spoons in pocket:

We noticed that all the waiters in this New York restaurant carried two spoons in their vest pocket. Naturally, we were curious. We asked a waiter why. “As a result of an efficiency study by the management, it was determined that the most frequently dropped silverware item was a spoon. Therefore, all the waiters carry two spoons so that the item can be instantly replaced.” As he was explaining that, we noticed a string hanging out of the fly of his pants. So we asked about that. “Sir, that’s another efficiency study result. When we have to go to the bathroom, we use the string to pull ourselves out and aim. Therefore, we do not have to stop to wash our hands.” We replied, “I understand how you can get yourself out and aim, but how do you get yourself back in?” “Well,” replied the waiter, “I don’t know about the other guys, but I use the two spoons!”

9. The parakeet squashed under the rug by carpet layer:

A carpet layer had just finished installing a carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize that he had lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. “No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,” he said to himself. He got out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. “Here,” she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. “I found them in the hallway.” “Now,” she said, “if only I could find my parakeet.”

10. Accidental thumbing of the nose:

Private Jones sat moodily over his beer when his friend, Sergeant Smith, entered the bar and said, “Hey, Jonesy, I hear you were busted.” “Yes,” said Jones. “They took away my sergeant’s stripes.” “How come?” “Oh, I met that chicken Lieutenant Gordon, and I gave him a snappy salute.” “So?” “So while I was saluting, my nose itched, and I scratched it with my thumb.”

11. Sardines are like sailors in a submarine:

Two sardines were startled, in the depths of the ocean, when a submarine glided by. Said one, “Heavens, what’s that?” “Oh, nothing,” said the other. “Just a can of people.”

12. American traveling in UK on leave:

During World War II, an American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London. The train was extremely crowded, and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down. Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her. “Could I please sit in that seat?” he asked. The lady was insulted. “You bloody Americans are so rude,” she said. “Can’t you see my dog is sitting there?” He walked through the train once more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place. “Lady, I love dogs. I have a couple at home, so I would be glad to hold your dog if I can sit down,” he said. The lady replied, “You Americans are not only rude, you are arrogant.” He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said, “Lady, I’ve been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold your dog?” The lady replied, “You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious.” With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out of the window, and sat down. The lady was speechless. An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up. “Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady’s description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.”

13. Desperate man in desert dying of thirst needs tie to enter restaurant:

A man on a camel rode through miles of the sun-drenched desert searching for some sign of life. His supplies were running low when his camel died. Now on foot, he desperately sought refuge from the heat and, most importantly, a source for water. Suddenly, he came across a vendor in the middle of the desert. “Thank God I found you!” the man cried. “Please help me. I’m in dire need of some water.” “Well,” said the vendor, “I don’t have any water. But would you like to buy one of these fine ties?” “What am I going to do with a tie?” the man asked. “That’s what I’m selling, sir. If you don’t like it, I can’t help you.” The man left the vendor and walked on for many more miles, praying each minute that he would find refuge from the scorching sun. His eyes squinted a bunch of times when he came across a restaurant in the distance. Unable to comprehend a restaurant located in the middle of the desert, he assumed the place was a mirage, but decided to check it out anyway. As he approached the door, his mouth opened in amazement, seeing that the place actually existed. The doorman stopped him before he entered. “Excuse me, sir,” the doorman said, “but you can’t come in here without a tie!”

14. An employee approached his boss and asked for a raise:

An employee approached his boss and asked for a raise. “Well,” began the head man, “business is bad now, Frank, and I just can’t afford to give you a raise.” “But I’m doing the three men’s work and I always have!” retorted Frank. “Three men’s work?” exploded the boss. “Tell me who the other two are, and I’ll fire them!”

15. Pete is being trained to be a switchman and gives ultimate answer to the test:

A guy named Pete gets a job as a switchman with the railroad and undergoes weeks of training. The supervisor then takes him into the switch booth to test his readiness. The following exchange takes place:

Supervisor: “Imagine you were sitting here alone and you learned there was a train coming from the north on that track and another coming from the south on the same track. What would you do?” Pete: “I’d throw this switch right here and put one train on the other track.”

Supervisor: “And what if that switch didn’t work?” Pete: “I’d go down to the track and throw that big switch lever there, putting one train on the other track.”

Supervisor: “And what if that switch lever didn’t work?” Pete: “Then I’d come back here and call the dispatcher to stop both trains.”

Supervisor: “And what if the phone didn’t work?” Pete: “Then I’d go to that gas station across the street and use their phone.”

Supervisor: “And what if their phone didn’t work?”

Pete: “Then I’d go get Uncle Joe.”

Supervisor: “Uncle Joe? What would he do?” Pete: “Nothing, but he ain’t never seen a train wreck.”

16. Interpretation of geological diggings:

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance.

1. A woman 2. A donkey 3. A shovel 4. A fish 5. A Star of David

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The president of their society stood up, pointed at the first drawing, and said, “This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. “Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if they had a famine hit the earth, whereby the food didn’t grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David, which means they were evidently Hebrews.”

Suddenly, a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, “I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don’t read from left to right, but from right to left. Now look again. It now says, ‘Holy mackerel, dig the ass on that woman!’”

17. Polish sausage buyer in hardware store:

A guy goes into the store and asks the clerk, “I’d like some Polish sausage.” The clerks looks at him and says, “Are you Polish?” The guy says, “Well, yes, I am. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I were Italian? Or, if I had asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I were German? Or if I had asked for a taco, would you ask me if I were Mexican?” The clerk says, “Well, no.” The guy says, “Well, why do you ask me if I’m Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?” The clerk says, “Because this is a hardware store.”

18. What Watson saw and what Holmes didn’t see:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes woke up and nudged his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.” “What does that tell you?” Watson pondered for a minute and said, “Astronomically, it tells me that that there are millions of galaxies and potentially that there are billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?” Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke, “Watson, you blank head. Someone has stolen our tent!”

19. Life in the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and were still smelling pretty good by June. However, they would start to stink, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the BO. (Side note: The annual “bath” happened after Lent. Not only did people not bathe, but they did not change their clothes, which is where the tradition of new clothes on Easter Sunday came into play.) Baths equated to a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice, clean water, then all the others—women and finally the children. Last of all, the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, “Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.” Houses had thatched roofs—thick straw, piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the pets, dogs, cats, and other small animals like mice, rats, bugs lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery, and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, “It’s raining cats and dogs.” There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice, clean bed. So they found if they made beds with big posts and hung a sheet over the top, it addressed that problem, hence those beautiful big four poster beds with canopies. The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying “dirt poor.” The wealthy had slate floors which would get slippery in the winter when wet. So they would spread thresh on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter would wear, on they would keep adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed at the entry way, hence a “threshold.” They cooked in the kitchen in a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They mostly ate vegetables and didn’t get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in

the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it, which had been in there for a month. Hence the rhyme: “peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.” Sometimes they could obtain pork and would feel really special when that happened. When company came over, they would bring out some bacon and hang it to show it off. It was a sign of wealth and that a man “could really bring home the bacon.” They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and “chew the fat.” Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food. This happened most often with tomatoes, so they stopped eating tomatoes for four hundred years. Most people didn’t have pewter plates but had trenchers—a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Trenchers were never washed, and a lot of times worms got into the wood. After eating off wormy trenchers, they would get “trench mouth.” Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top or the “upper crust.” Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They would be laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days, and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence, the custom of holding a “wake.” England is old and small, and they started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take their bones to a house and re-use the grave. In reopening these coffins, one out of twenty-five coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside, and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on their wrist and lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night to listen for the bell. Hence on the “graveyard shift” they would know that someone was “saved by the bell” or he was a “dead ringer.”

20. The chili and the mouse in it. Love that chili:

A man went into a café and sat down. A waitress came to take his order, and he asked her, “What’s the special of the day?” “Chili,” she said. “But the gentleman next to you got the last bowl.” The man said he’ll just have coffee, and the waitress went to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten. “Are you going to eat your chili?” he asked. “No, help yourself,” replied his neighbor. The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl. “Yeah, that’s as far as I got too,” said the man sitting next to him.

21. Jokes by number:

It was his first time at this convention, and on the first day he heard someone yell out the number, “Thirty-four!” Everyone burst out laughing. He thought that was kind of strange. Then someone yelled out, “Eighty-seven,” and again everyone started to laugh. This went on for quite some time. Finally, he asked a coworker what the number calling was all about. The coworker replied, “We are so busy that we have a book of jokes that everyone has memorized, and to save time we just yell out the number.” That night the guy went home and memorized the whole book. The next day while at work, the guy yelled out, “Fifty-two,” and everyone just looked at him strangely. He went back to work. Someone else yelled out the number, “Sixty-eight,” and everyone laughed hysterically. So he yelled out, “Twenty-nine,” and again everyone just looked at him strangely, so he put his head down and went back to work. Later that day at lunch, he asked the coworker, “Why when I yelled out a number no one laughed?” The coworker replied, “Well, you know how it is. Some people can tell a joke and some people can’t!”

22. Supermarket hires a college graduate:

A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.” “But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly. “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager. “Here, give me the broom. I’ll show you how.”

23. Travelers in European train and the insulting slap:

Four strangers traveled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other. One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated seventy-year-old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen years old—who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a very mature-looking man in his mid-forties who was a highly decorated sergeant major in the army. And next to the sergeant major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp. As these four strangers traveled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss, a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin. In the ensuing period of silence, the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts. The older lady was thinking, “Isn’t it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age, there are still young women who have a little selfrespect and dignity?” The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, “Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I’m sitting here?” The sergeant major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark. And the private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, “What a crazy and mixed-up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a sergeant major in the face and get away with it!”

24. A conversation in heaven:

Sylvia: Hi! Wanda. Wanda: Hi! Sylvia. How’d you die? Sylvia: I froze to death. Wanda: How horrible! Sylvia: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? Wanda: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. Sylvia: So, what happened? Wanda: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house, looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. Sylvia: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer—we’d both still be alive.

Moral Stories

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MS01. Never fly off the handle if you’re full of shit. MS02. An old man, a boy, and a donkey. MS03. Comparing sons. MS04. Man pays hotel bill reluctantly. He could have used all the amenities but didn’t. MS05. Moral lessons learned by the crow, the rabbit, the bull, the farmer, the human being: MS06. Five-minute management course. MS07. Eating at a Chinese restaurant. MS08. A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. MS09. Suicide jumper. MS10. English lesson—‘complete’ or ‘finished.’ MS11. Bob Hope in heaven. MS12. Fable of the porcupine. MS13. Travelers in European train and the insulting slap. (Filed also under Miscellaneous.)

MS14. Nobody is perfect.

1. Never fly off the handle if you’re full of shit:

A happy little fly was buzzing around a barn one day when she happened upon a large pile of fresh horse manure. Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pains, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out. She ate and ate, and then she ate some more! Finally, she decided she’d had plenty. She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away. But alas! She had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground. She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall. She’d found a solution! She realized if she could just become airborne she’d be able to fly again. So, she painstakingly, climbed to the top of the handle. Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently into the air. She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor! Dead fly! The moral of this: Never fly off the handle when you know you’re full of shit.

2. An old man, a boy, and a donkey:

An old man, a boy, and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along, they ed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they ed some people that remarked, “What a shame! He makes that little boy walk.” They then decided they both would walk! Soon they ed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So both rode the donkey. Now they ed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal, and he fell into the river and drowned. Moral of the story: If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye!

3. Comparing sons:

Four friends who hadn’t seen each other in thirty years reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the restroom. Those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said, “My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied economics and business istration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder, and now he’s the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.” The second guy said, “Darn, that’s terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He’s so rich that he gave his best friend a brand-new jet for his birthday.” The third man said, “Well, that’s terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday—a thirty-thousand-square-foot mansion.” The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked, “What are all the congratulations for?” One of the three said, “We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?” The fourth man replied, “My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.” The three friends said, “What a shame! What a disappointment!” The fourth man replied, “No, I’m not ashamed. He’s my son and I love him. And he hasn’t done too badly either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful thirty-thousand-square-foot mansion, a brand-new jet, and a

top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.”

4. Man pays hotel bill reluctantly. He could have used all the amenities but didn’t:

The next time you think your hotel bill is too high, consider this: Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they’re too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a hotel and sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk, “Although it’s a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren’t worth $350.00!” When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager. The manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. “But we didn’t use them,” the man complains. “Well, they are here, and you could have,” explains the manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. “The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here,” the manager says. “But we didn’t go to any of those shows,” complains the man again. “Well, we have them, and you could have,” the manager replies. No matter what amenity the manager mentions, the man replies, “But we didn’t use it!” The manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check.

“But, sir,” he says, “this check is only made out for $50.00.” “That’s correct,” says the man. “I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.” “But I didn’t!” exclaims the manager. “Well, too bad,” the man replies. “She was here and you could have.”

5. Moral lessons learned by the crow, the rabbit, the bull, the farmer, the human being:

Lesson number one: A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit, and ate it. Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson number two: A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey. “But I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

Lesson number three: When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be the boss. The brain said, “I should be boss because I control the whole body’s responses and

functions.” The feet said, “We should be boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.” The hands said, “We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.” And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up, and refused to work. Within a short time, the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic, and the brain fevered. Eventually, they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was ed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and ed out the shit! Moral of the story: You don’t need brains to be a boss—any asshole will do.

6. Five-minute management course:

Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, and after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?” “It was Bob, the next-door neighbor,” she replies. “Great,” the husband says, “did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?” Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2 (also filed under “Religious”): A priest offered a nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, “Father, Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, Psalm 129?” The priest apologized, “Sorry, sister, but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek further up. You will find glory.”

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3 (also filed under “Genie”): A sales rep, an istration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out. The genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish.” “Me first! Me first!” says the clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Puff! She’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.” Puff! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.” Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4: An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing?” The eagle answered, “Sure, why not.” So the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit, and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey. “But I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients…” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

Lesson 6: A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to sing for joy. A ing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung and promptly dug him out and ate him. Morals of the story: (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. (3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

Thus ends the five-minute management course.

7. Eating at a Chinese restaurant:

My friend Ann and I were eating at a Chinese restaurant. When an elderly waiter set chopsticks at our places, Ann made a point of reaching into her purse and pulling out her own pair. “As an environmentalist,” she declared, “I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests for throwaway utensils.” The waiter inspected her chopsticks. “Very beautiful,” he said politely. “Ivory.”

8. A woman and a man are involved in a car accident:

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither one of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers. The woman says, “So you’re a man. That’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but we’re unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.” Flattered, the man replies, “Oh yes, I agree completely. This must be a sign from God! But you’re still at fault. Women shouldn’t be allowed to drive.” The woman continues, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.” She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?” The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police.” Moral of the Story: Women are clever, evil bitches. Don’t mess with them.

9. Suicide jumper:

A tough-looking biker is riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge, so he stops. “What are you doing?” he asks. “I’m going to commit suicide,” she says. While he does not want to appear insensitive, he doesn’t want to miss an opportunity. He asks, “Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?” So she does. After she finishes, the biker says, “Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That’s a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?” “Well,” she says, “my parents don’t like me dres like a girl.”

10. English lesson—complete or finished:

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words complete and finished in a way that’s easy to understand. Some people say there is no difference between complete and finished. There is a difference:

When you marry the right woman, you are “complete.” And when you marry the wrong one, you are “finished!” And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are “completely finished!”

11. Bob Hope in heaven:

If you are too young to Bob Hope, ask your grandparents.

Bob Hope had his views on life. Here are some of them on aging:

On turning seventy: “I still chase women, but only downhill.”

On turning eighty: “That’s the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.”

On turning ninety: “You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.”

On turning hundred: “I don’t feel old. In fact, I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.”

On giving up his early career—boxing: “I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.”

On never winning an Oscar: “Welcome to the Academy Awards, or as it’s called at my home, ‘ over.’”

On golf: “Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.”

On presidents: “I have performed for twelve presidents and entertained only six.”

On why he chose showbiz for his career: “When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, ‘Congratulations, you have an eight-pound ham.’”

On receiving the Congressional Gold Medal: “I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.”

On his family’s early poverty: “Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.”

On his six brothers: “That’s how I learned to dance… waiting for the bathroom.”

On his early failures: “I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn’t for the stuff the audience threw at me.”

On going to heaven: “I’ve done benefits for all religions. I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.”

12. Fable of the porcupine:

It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold. The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves, but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions. After a while, they decided to distance themselves one from the other, and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the earth. Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others. This way they were able to survive. The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can ire the other person’s good qualities. The moral of the story is: Just learn to live with the pricks in your life!

13. Travelers in European train and the insulting slap. (Filed also under Miscellaneous.)

Four strangers traveled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other. One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated seventy-year-old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen years old—who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a very mature-looking man in his mid-forties who was a highly decorated sergeant major in the army. And next to the sergeant major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp. As these four strangers traveled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss, a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin. In the ensuing period of silence, the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts. The older lady was thinking, “Isn’t it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little selfrespect and dignity?” The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, “Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I’m sitting here?” The sergeant major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark. And the private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, “What a crazy and mixed-up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a sergeant major in the face and get away with it!”

14. Nobody is perfect:

Each one of us is a mixture of good qualities and some perhaps not-so-good qualities. In considering our fellowman, we should his good qualities and realize that his faults only prove that he is, after all, a human being. We should refrain from making harsh judgments of a person just because he happens to be a dirty, rotten, no-good son of a bitch.

Old People

(Ctrl + click to follow link. Alt + left arrow to return to Index.)

o01. An elderly gentleman of eighty-five feared his wife was getting hard of hearing. o02. Two old guys looking for their wives in Wal-Mart o03. Old couple on a cruise, and she is lost overboard. o04. The talking body in the casket. o05. Li’l old lady who forgot where she lives. o06. Two old ladies—one cannot other’s name. o07. Couple sharing use of the teeth. o08. The little old lady bets her banker’s balls are square. o09. The farting grandma on her hundredth birthday. o10. Old couple and their sexual demo in doctor’s office. o11. Perfect eyesight at 103 but can’t where the ball went: o12. Mabel’s misplaced hearing aid. o13. Husband ed as lover, not a poop. o14. Three old sisters with memory problems.

o15. A mature (over sixty-five) lady gets pulled over for speeding. o16. An arthritic old man orders a banana split. o17. Perfume at $150 an ounce versus broccoli at 49 cents a pound. o18. Doctor tests three old men for memory. o19. Senior drives wrong way on freeway. o20. “I can hear just fine!” o21. Very short woman driving goes through red light. o22. Exuberant Bessie dashes through retirement home—“What’s in my fist?” o23. Old schoolteacher meets former student, now a dentist. o24. At the nursing home, old lady flips up her nightgown. “Supersex!” o25. Senior personal ads seen in Florida and Arizona newspapers: o26. Old man pees in the refrigerator. o27. Elderly lady feels horny and sucks a lifesaver. o28. Hat is newer than what’s under her skirt. o29. Mutual orgasm is mistaken for mutual fund. o30. A cucumber reminds her of a guy. o31. Woman looks in mirror and sees wrinkles and asks husband for a good word. o32. A senior moment—forgets wife’s name. o33. High class senior in bar meets old woman. o34. At the Pearly Gates, man wonders about years of eating health food.

o35. Two old men compare like a newborn baby. o36. Man gets hearing aid, “hears” talk about him, and changes his will. o37. Doctor prescribes sex to old woman with a twist. o38. Two ninety-year-olds want to know if there is baseball in heaven. o39. A devoted husband’s bad luck is his own wife. o40. Donation to the church reported to IRS. o41. Brothel trip—old man doesn’t realize it that he already “had it.” o42. Man thinks he is getting senile. o43. Old lady at a cruise ship bar orders a scotch with two drops of water. o44. They look in a mirror and see themselves. o45. Man waiting for wife in bathroom is taken by wheelchair to car over his protests. o46. Three hard of hearing guys are out walking. o47. Three dirty birds. o48. The trained parrot. o49. Old couple revisits early sex experience against a fence behind a tavern. o50. Old prospector forced to “dance” outside of a saloon by gun-toting young squirt. o51. St. Peter sent Ed back as a chicken. o52. Edna saves Ralph when he falls in the pool at an asylum. o53. Carjacking foiled—don’t mess with the elderly. o54. Wife wants husband to nibble on her neck but needs his teeth.

o55. “Guess what I have in my hand?” o56. “It’s time we had sex.” o57. Wrong way driving. o58. “Oh! Am I driving?” o59. Three elderly golfers comparing problems at various old ages. o60. Senior takes a Corvette from dealer for a fast ride until trooper catches him. o61. No one believes seniors. Everyone thinks they are senile. o62. My private part died. o63. Unfaithful husband thrown off balcony because he was caught screwing. o64. Old man lies about age and gets a young lady friend. o65. Americans traveling in Holland see old goats in pasture. o66. Doctor addressing audience cites horrible stuff we put in and out of stomachs. o67. Old woman dies with bitter regrets. o68. Where is my Sunday paper?” o69. Why did Mary and Joseph take Jesus with them to Jerusalem? o70. “Thou shall not kill,” a boy answers. o71. Woman created out of man’s rib. o72. Old man stopped by police at 2 in the morning. o73. When an old man goes for a checkup, doctor finds a remarkable family.

o74. Woman lets out silent fart in church, and husband says, “Replace hearing aid battery. o75. An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. o76. A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight (also filed under “Lawyers and Legal”). o77. The brash receptionist at an urologist’s office (also filed in “Medical”). o78. Man dies digging up the cabbage. o79. Rye bread for old men. o80. New hearing aid costs 4,000. o81. Proof of purchase for the grocery shopper: o82. Elderly man asks brothel madam for a young girl for the night. o83. “I think I am getting senile. I forget to zip up.” o84. An elderly couple who was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary find money. o85. An elderly couple stop at a roadside restaurant for lunch. o86. Hearing problems of two old men. o87. Two old ladies have a safe smoke using condoms “big enough for a camel.” o88. Template for a bridal registry for really old people marrying. o89. Old man has problem opening a specimen jar. o90. How to get what you want. o91. Old man has face-lift and asks, “How old am I?” o92. A ninety-year-old took Viagra and died (also filed under “Sexy”).

o93. “There’s nothing the matter with me. I’m fine. How are you?” o94. Old man in retirement home who wanted to fart: o95. The joys of old age. o96. Wife asks for ice cream, and he brings back bacon and eggs. o97. “Old man’s peeing problem can be fixed with Viagra?” o98. With age comes wrinkles in the birthday suit. o99. Elderly sex (also filed under “Sexy”): o100. A quote from a retired old man, Harold. o101. Grandma is still driving. o102. How us older guys pick up chicks. o103. “At ninety years, I don’t need my driver’s license anymore!” o104. She didn’t want me. She wanted me to watch her dog.

1. An elderly gentleman of eighty-five feared his wife was getting hard of hearing:

So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and meanwhile there was a simple informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem. “Here’s what you do,” said the doctor. “Start out about forty feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone, see if she hears you. If not, go to thirty feet, then twenty feet, and so on until you get a response.” That evening, the wife was in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the living room. He said to himself, “I’m about forty feet away. Let’s see what happens.” Then in a normal tone he asked, “Honey, what’s for supper?” He heard no response. So the husband moved to the other end of the room, about thirty feet from his wife, and repeated, “Honey, what’s for supper?” Still no response. Next he moved into the dining room where he was about twenty feet from his wife and asked, “Honey, what’s for supper?” Again he got no response, so he walked up to the kitchen door, only ten feet away. “Honey, what s for supper?” Again there was no response, so he walked right up behind her. “Honey, what’s for supper?” “Damn it, Earl, for the fourth time, chicken!”

2. Two old guys looking for their wives in Wal-Mart.

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart. When they collide the first old guy says to the second guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.” The second old guy says, “That’s OK, it’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.” The first old guy says, “Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?” The second old guy says, “Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?” To which the first old guy says, “Doesn’t matter.—Let’s look for yours.”

3. Old couple on a cruise, and she is lost overboard:

An elderly couple was on a cruise, and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn’t find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by, and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: “Sir, sorry to inform you we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck, and attached to her butt was an oyster and it had a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise.” The old man faxed back: “Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.”

4. The talking body in the casket:

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just ed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket toward the door, the husband cries out, “Watch that @#$&* wall!”

5. Li’l old lady who forgot where she lives:

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, “I have a twenty-two-year-old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit, and freshly ground coffee.” I said, “Well, then why are you crying?” She said, “He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.” I said, “Well, why are you crying?” She said, “For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.” I said, “Well, why in the world would you be crying?” She said, “I can’t where I live!”

6. Two old ladies—one cannot other’s name:

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me… I know we’ve been friends for a long time… but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t it. Please tell me what your name is.” Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes, she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?

7. Couple sharing use of the teeth:

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald’s. He noticed that they had ordered one meal and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the old gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, “Oh, no. We’ve been married fifty years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, fifty-fifty.” The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, “Not yet. It’s his turn with the teeth.”

8. The little old lady bets her banker’s balls are square (also filed in “Lawyers and Legal”):

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings because she said, “It’s a lot of money!” After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president’s office. (The customer is always right!) The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, “$165,000!” and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, “Ma’am, I’m surprised you’re carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?” The old lady replied, “I make bets.” The president then asked, “Bets? What kind of bets?” The old woman said, “Well, for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.” “Ha!” laughed the president. “That’s a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!” The old lady challenged, “So would you like to take my bet?” “Sure,” said the president. “I’ll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!” The little old lady then said, “OK, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. as a witness?” “Sure!” replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that

he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 a.m., the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet, “$25,000 says the president’s balls are square!” The president agreed with the bet again, and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. “Well, OK,” said the president. “$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.” Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, “What the hell’s the matter with your lawyer?” She replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:0. a.m. today, I’d have the Bank of Canada’s president’s balls in my hand.”

9. The farting grandma on her hundredth birthday:

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her hundredth birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn’t speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A nephew who arrived late came running up to grandma and said, “Hi, Grandma, you’re looking good! How are they treating you?” Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, “They won’t let me fart.”

10. Old couple and their sexual demo in doctor’s office (also filed under “Medica”):

A couple, both at age seventy-eight, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?” The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?” The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,” and he charged them $50.00. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?” The old man said, “We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married, and we can’t go to her house. I’m married, and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare!”

11. Perfect eyesight at 10. but can’t where the ball went:

Beverly is ninety years old. She’s played golf every day since her retirement twenty-five years ago. One day she arrives home looking sad. “That’s it,” she tells her husband. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball, I can’t see where it went.” Her husband makes her a cup of tea, and says, “Why don’t you take me with you and give it one more try?” “That’s no good,” sighs Beverly. “You’re a 103. You can’t help.” “I may be a 103,” says Gus, “but my eyesight is perfect.” So the next day Beverly heads off to the golf course with her husband, Gus. She tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. She turns to the husband and says, “Did you see the ball?” “Of course I did!” replies Gus. “I have perfect eyesight.” “Where did it go?” says Beverly. “I don’t .”

12. Mabel’s misplaced hearing aid:

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear, and she said, “Mabel, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?” Mabel answered, “I have? A suppository?” She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, “Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.”

13. Husband ed as lover, not a poop:

When the husband finally died, his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, “You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.” The widow replied, “I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to him as a great lover rather than the big poop he always was.”

14. Three old sisters with memory problems:

Three sisters aged ninety-two, ninety-four, and ninety-six live in a house together. One night, the ninety-six-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?” The ninety-four-year-old yells back, “I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.” She starts up the stairs and pauses, “Was I going up the stairs or down?” The ninety-two-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful.” She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”

15. A mature (over sixty-five) lady gets pulled over for speeding:

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I’d give it to you, but I don’t have one. Officer: Don’t have one? Older Woman: Lost it, four years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see… Can I see your vehicle registration papers please? Older Woman: I can’t do that. Officer: Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for backup. Within minutes, five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem, sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you, ma’am. One of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding too.

Don’t mess with mature ladies.

16. An arthritic old man orders a banana split:

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor, crawled painfully onto a stool, and ordered a banana split. The waitress asked, “Crushed nuts?” “No,” he replied, “it’s just arthritis.”

17. Perfume at $150 an ounce versus broccoli at 4. cents a pound.

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, “‘Romance’ by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!” Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman, saying, “Channel no. 5, $200 an ounce!” About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over, farts, and says, “Broccoli. 49 cents a pound.”

18. Doctor tests three old men for memory:

Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, “What is three times three?” “274” was his reply. The doctor worriedly says to the second man, “It’s your turn. What is three times three?” “Tuesday,” replies the second man. The doctor sadly says to the third man, “OK, your turn. What’s three times three”? “Nine,” says the third man. “That’s great!” exclaims the doctor. “How did you get that”? “Jeez, Doc, it’s pretty simple,” says the third man. “I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday.”

19. Senior drives wrong way on freeway:

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on interstate 77. Please be careful!” “Hell!” said Herman. “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”

20. “I can hear just fine!”:

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, “Windy, isn’t it?” “No,” the second man replied, “it’s Thursday.” And the third man chimed in, “So am I. Let’s have a beer.”

21. Very short woman driving goes through red light:

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car—both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the enger seat thought to herself, “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.” After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the enger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red, and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!” Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh, am I driving?”

22. Exuberant Bessie dashes through retirement home—“What’s in my fist?”:

Eighty-year-old Bessie bursts into the recreation room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, “Anyone who can guess what’s in my hand can have sex with me tonight!” An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, “An elephant?” Bessie thinks a minute and says, “Close enough.”

23. Old schoolteacher meets former student, now a dentist:

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, “Surely I can’t look that old?” My name is Mary, and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I ed that a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some thirty-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School. “Yes. Yes, I did. I’m a Mustang.” He gleamed with pride. “When did you graduate?” I asked. He answered, “In 1975. Why do you ask?” “You were in my class!” I exclaimed. He looked at me closely. Then that ugly, old, balding, wrinkle-faced, fat-assed, gray-haired, decrepit son of a bitch asked, “What did you teach?”

24. At the nursing home, old lady flips up her nightgown. “Supersex!”:

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say, “Supersex.” She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, “Supersex.” He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, “I’ll take the soup.”

25. Senior personal ads seen in Florida and Arizona newspapers:

“Foxy lady: sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, eighties, slim, 5'4” (used to be 5'6”), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.”

“Long-term commitment: recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.”

“Serenity now: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga, and meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together, take our hearing aids out, and enjoy quiet times.”

“Winning smile: active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flossier to share rare steaks, corn on the cob, and caramel candy.”

“Beatles or Stones? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights, and still like to play the air guitar. If you were a groovy chick or are now a groovy hen, let’s get together and listen to my Boss collection of eight-track tapes.”

“Memories: I can usually Monday through Thursday. If you can Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.”

“Mint condition: male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many

new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn’t in running condition, but walks well.”

26. Old man pees in the refrigerator:

Seventy-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, “George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?” George replied, “God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom ‘poof’ the light goes on. When I’m done, ‘poof’ the light goes off.” “Wow!” commented Dr. Smith. “That’s incredible!” A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George’s wife. “Ethel,” he said, “George is doing fine. Physically he’s great. But I had to call because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and ‘poof’ the light goes on in the bathroom, and then when he is through ‘poof’ the light goes off?” Ethel exclaimed, “Oh, my god! He’s peeing in the refrigerator again! Thanks!”

27. Elderly lady feels horny and sucks a lifesaver:

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, “Do you still get horny?” The other replies, “Oh sure, I do.” The first old lady asks, “What do you do about it?” The second old lady replies, “I suck a lifesaver.” After a few moments, the first old lady asks, “Who drives you to the beach?”

28. Hat is newer than what’s under her skirt:

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said, “Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?” “Yes, I know,” said the lady. “I need both hands to hold onto this hat.” “But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man, and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is eighty-five years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”

29. Mutual orgasm is mistaken for mutual fund:

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, “You know, Mabel, I’ve been reading this ‘sex and marriage’ book, and all they talk about is ‘mutual orgasm.’ ‘Mutual orgasm’ here and ‘mutual orgasm’ there—that’s all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have ‘mutual orgasm’?” Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, “No, I think we had State Farm.”

30. A cucumber reminds her of a guy:

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home, reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and she demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady remarked, “I can’t hear a word you’re saying, but I the guy you’re talking about.”

31. Woman looks in mirror and sees wrinkles and asks husband for a good word:

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror, taking a hard look at herself, “You know, love,” she says, “I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my bun is hanging out a mile. I’ve got fat legs and my arms are all flabby.” She turns to her husband and says, “Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself.” He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice, “Well, there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”

32. A senior moment—forgets wife’s name:

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went to the kitchen while their husbands talked. One gentleman said, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great! I would highly recommend it.” The other gentleman asked, “What’s the name of the restaurant?” After much obvious concentration, he asked his friend, “Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?” His friend replied, “A carnation?” “No, no, the other one, “the first man said. His friend offered another suggestion, “The poppy?” “Nahhh,” growled the other man. “You know, the one that is red and has thorns.” His friend asked, “Do you mean a rose?” “Yes! Yes! That’s it—thank you!” the first man replied. He then turned toward the kitchen and yelled, “Hey, Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”

33. High class senior in bar meets old woman:

An elderly looking gentleman (mid-nineties), very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good aftershave, presenting a well-looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an attractive elderly lady (mid-eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits alongside her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her, and says, “So tell me, do I come here often?”

34. At the Pearly Gates, man wonders about years of eating health food:

An eighty-five-year-old couple, having been married almost sixty years, die in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wife’s interest in health food. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite with Jacuzzi. As they “oohed and aahed,” the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. “It’s free,” Peter replied. “, this is heaven.” Next they went out back to see the championship golf course the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, “What are the green fees?” “This is heaven,” St. Peter replied. “You play for free.” Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. “How much to eat?” asked the old man. “Don’t you understand yet?” St. Peter asked. “This is heaven. It’s free!” “Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?” the old man asked timidly. “That’s the best part… You can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is heaven.” The old man looked at his wife and said, “You and your stupid bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!”

35. Two old men compare like a newborn baby:

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center are sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, “Slim, I’m eighty-three years old now, and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?” Slim says, “I feel just like a newborn baby.” “Really? Like a newborn baby?” “Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.”

36. Man gets hearing aid, “hears” talk about him, and changes his will:

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor, and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100 percent. The elderly patient went back in a month to the doctor for a follow-up checkup and was tested again, and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.” The man replied, “I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve already changed my will three times!”

37. Doctor prescribes sex to old woman with a twist (also filed under “Medical”):

A seventy-five-year-old woman went to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor told her she needed more cardiovascular activity and recommended that she engage in sexual activity three times a week. A bit embarrassed, she said to the doctor, “Please tell my husband.” The doctor went out into the waiting room and told the husband that his wife needed sex three times a week. The seventy-eight-year-old husband replied, “Which days? “The doctor answered, “Monday, Tuesday, and Friday would be ideal.” The husband said, “I can bring her in on Monday, but on Tuesdays and Friday I golf, so she’ll have to take the bus.”

38. Two ninety-year-olds want to know if there is baseball in heaven:

Two ninety-year-old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. It seems that Sam is dying, so Moe comes to visit him. “Sam,” says Moe, “you know how we have both played and loved baseball all our lives. Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you go, somehow you’ve got to find a way to tell me if there’s baseball in heaven.” Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed and says, “Moe, you’ve been my friend many years. This favor I’ll do for you.” And with that, Sam es on. It is midnight a couple of nights later. Moe is sound asleep when a distant voice calls out to him, “Moe… Moe… .” “Who is it?” says Moe, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?” “Moe, it’s me, Sam.” “Come on. You’re not Sam. Sam died.” “I’m telling you,” insists the voice. “It’s me, Sam.” “Sam? Is that really you? Where are you?” “I’m in heaven,” says Sam, “and I’ve got to tell you. I’ve got some good news and some bad news.” “Tell me the good news first,” says Moe. “The good news,” says Sam, “is that there is baseball in heaven.” “Really?” says Moe. “That’s wonderful. What’s the bad news?” “You’re pitching Tuesday.”

39. A devoted husband’s bad luck is his own wife:

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him. As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me . When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?” “What, dear?” she asked gently. “I think you bring me bad luck.”

40. Donation to the church reported to IRS:

A donation to the church is reported to IRS. And the IRS calls the father. Father O’Malley answers the phone. “Hello, is this Father O’Malley?” “It is.” “This is the IRS. Can you help us?” “I can.” “Do you know a Ted Houlihan?” “I do.” “Is he a member of your congregation?” “He is.” “Did he donate $10,000 to the church?” “He will.”

41. Brothel trip—old man doesn’t realize it that he already “had it”:

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. “I’m ninety years old,” he says. “Ninety!” replies the woman. “Don’t you realize you’ve had it?” “Oh, sorry,” says the old man. “How much do I owe you?”

42. Man thinks he is getting senile:

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, “Doc, I think I’m getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.” “That’s not senility,” replied the doctor. “Senility is when you forget to zip down.”

43. Old lady at a cruise ship bar orders a scotch with two drops of water:

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink, she says, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my eightieth birthday and it’s today.” The bartender says, “Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.” As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, “I would like to buy you a drink too.” The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want a scotch with two drops of water.” “Coming up,” says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, “I would like to buy you one too.” The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want another scotch with two drops of water.” “Coming right up,” the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the scotch with only two drops of water? The old woman replies, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.”

44. They look in a mirror and see themselves:

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores, he picked up a mirror and looked in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, “How about that! Here’s a picture of my daddy.” He bought the “picture,” but on the way home he ed his wife, Lizzy, didn’t like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, “So that’s the ugly bitch he’s runnin’ around with.”

45. Man waiting for wife in bathroom is taken by wheelchair to car over his protests (also filed under “Medical”):

Hospital regulations in the USA require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found an elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down, I asked him if his wife was meeting him. “I don’t know,” he said. “She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”

46. Three hard of hearing guys are out walking:

Three old guys are out walking. First one says, “Windy, isn’t it?” Second one says, “No, it’s Thursday!” Third one says, “So am I. Let’s go get a beer.”

47. Three dirty birds:

Three old mischievous grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then, an old grandpa walked by, and one of the old grandmas yelled out saying, “We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.” The old man said, “There ain’t no way you can guess it, you old fools.” One of the old grandmas said, “Sure we can! Just drop your undershorts and we can tell your exact age.” Embarrassed just a little, he dropped his drawers. The grandmas asked him to turn around a couple of times, asked him to jump up and down for a little while, and then they all piped up and said, “You’re eighty-four years old!” “How in the world did you guess?” The old grandmas snickered and laughed. Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in unison, “Because we were at your birthday party yesterday.”

48. The trained parrot:

There was a little old lady who was nearly blind, and she had three sons who wanted to prove which one was the best to her.

Son No.1 bought her a fifteen-room mansion, thinking this would surely be the best that any of them could offer her. Son No. 2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included, thinking this would surely win her approval. Son No. 3 had to do something even better, so he bought her a parrot that he had been training for fifteen years to memorize the entire Bible. You could ask the parrot any verse in the Bible, and he could quote it word for word. What a gift that would be!

Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, “Son, the house is just gorgeous, but it’s really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it’s too large to clean and take care of. I really don’t need the house, but thank you anyway.” Then she confronted her second son, “Son, the car is beautiful. It has everything you could ever want on it, but I don’t drive and really don’t like the chauffeur, so please return the car.” Next she went to Son No. 3 and said, “Son, I just want to thank you for your most thoughtful gift. That chicken was delicious.”

49. Old couple revisits early sex experience against a fence behind a tavern:

The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.” “Yes,” she says, “I it well.” “OK,” he says, “how about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?” “Charlie, you devil, that sounds like a crazy idea. Let’s do it!” A police officer sitting in the next booth hears their conversation, and chuckling to himself, he thinks, “I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them, so there’s no trouble.” So he follows them. The elderly couple walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for , aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his tros. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, “This is truly amazing. I’ve got to ask them what their secret is.” So, as the couple es, he says to them, “Excuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?” Still shaking, the old man is barely able to reply. “Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.”

50. Old prospector forced to “dance” outside of a saloon by gun-toting young squirt:

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, “Hey old man, have you ever danced?” The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, “No, I never did dance,—and just never wanted to.” A crowd had gathered quickly, and the gunslinger grinned and said, “Well, you old fool, you’re gonna dance now,” and started shooting at the old man’s feet. The old prospector in order to not get a toe blown off or his boots perforated was soon hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet, and everybody was laughing fit to be tied. When the last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers back. The loud, audible double clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The quiet was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old-timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. He found it hard to swallow. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man’s hands. The old man said, “Son, did you ever kiss a mule’s ass?” The bully swallowed hard and said, “No. But I’ve always wanted to.” There are two lessons for us all here: 1. Don’t waste ammunition.

2. Don’t mess with old people.

51. St. Peter sent Ed back as a chicken:

Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Ed.” Ed was stunned. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!” St. Peter said, “I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.” Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. “So, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?” “Not bad,” replied the hen, “but I have this strange feeling inside, like I’m gonna explode!” “You’re ovulating.” explained the rooster. “Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before?” “Never,” said Ed. “Well, just relax and let it happen,” said the rooster. “It’s no big deal.” He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg—his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head and heard… “Ed, wake up! You shit in the bed!”

52. Edna saves Ralph when he falls in the pool at an asylum:

Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the head nurse director became aware of Edna’s heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When the head nurse went to tell Edna the news, she said, “Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love… I have concluded that your act displays sound-mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.” Edna replied, “He didn’t hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?”

53. Carjacking foiled—don’t mess with the elderly:

An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found four males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags, drew her handgun, and pointed it at the four intruders, screaming at them at the top of her voice, “I know how to use this and will if required . . . so get out of the car!” The four men didn’t wait around for a second invitation. They immediately got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She found, however, that she had a small problem: Her key wouldn’t fit the ignition. Puzzled, she got out and looked up and down the row of cars. Sure enough, she spotted her car which was identical and parked four or five spaces further down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. She told her story to the desk sergeant who nearly tore himself into two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where four (very pale) males were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly woman.

54. Wife wants husband to nibble on her neck but needs his teeth:

An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep, but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.” Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later, she said, “Then you used to kiss me.” Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek, and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later, she said, “Then you used to bite my neck…” Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. “Where are you going?” she asked. “To get my teeth!”

55. “Guess what I have in my hand?”:

Eighty-year-old Bessie bursts into the “rec room” at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, “Anyone who can guess what’s in my hand can have sex with me tonight!” An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, “An elephant?” Bessie thinks for a minute and says, “Close enough.”

56. “It’s time we had sex”:

Two ninety-year-olds had been dating for some time when the man told the woman, “I think it’s time we had sex, don’t you agree?” She did agree. And so they did. Afterward, as they were lying in bed, the man thinks to himself, “My god, if I had known that she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!” Meanwhile, the woman was thinking to herself, “My god, if I had known that the old geezer could really get it up, I would have taken off my pantyhose!”

57. Wrong way driving:

As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Vernon, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on M25. Please be careful!” “Hell,” said Vernon, “it’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”

58. “Oh! Am I driving?”:

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car—both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to a major crossroad. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the enger seat thought to herself, “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.” After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the enger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!” Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh! Am I driving?”

59. Three elderly golfers comparing problems at various old ages:

Three elderly golfers are walking down the fairway. “Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the sixty-year-old. “You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens.” “Ah, that’s nothing,” said the seventy-year-old. “When you’re seventy, you don’t have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day, and nothing happens.” “Actually,” said the eighty-year-old, “eighty is the worst age of all.” “Do you have trouble peeing too?” asked the sixty-year-old. “No, I pee every morning at 6:00 a.m. I pee like a racehorse, no problem at all.” “Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?” “No, I have one every morning at 6:30 a.m.” Puzzled with this, the sixty-year-old said, “Let’s get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 a.m. and poop every morning at 6:30 a.m. So what’s so tough about being eighty?” “I don’t wake up until seven.”

60. Senior takes a Corvette from dealer for a fast ride until trooper catches him:

A senior citizen in a brand-new Corvette convertible drove out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. “Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I-70, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rearview mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this,” and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, “Sir, my shift ends in thirty minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.” The old gentleman paused, then said, “Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.” “Have a good day, sir,” replied the trooper.

61. No one believes seniors. Everyone thinks they are senile:

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally.” On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, and not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There she counted the money—fifty thousand dollars! Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.” Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?” Sally said, “No.” Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.” Sally said, “Don’t believe him. He’s getting senile.” The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said, “Tell us the story from the beginning.” Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday…” The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”

62. My private part died:

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong, “Yes, Nurse Tracy,” said Mr. Wallace. “My private part died today, and I am very sad.” Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, “Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.” The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his private part hanging out of his pajamas. He met Nurse Tracy. “Mr. Wallace,” she said, “you shouldn’t be walking down the hall like that. Please put your private part back inside your pajamas.” “But, Nurse Tracy, I can’t,” replied Mr. Wallace. “I told you yesterday that my private part died.” “Yes,” said Nurse Tracy, “you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?” “Well,” he replied, “today is the viewing.”

63. Unfaithful husband thrown off balcony because he was caught screwing:

One night, an eighty-seven-year-old woman came home from bingo to find her ninety-two-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their twentieth-floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense. “Your Honor,” she began coolly, “I figured that at ninety, if he could screw, he could fly.”

64. Old man lies about age and gets a young lady friend:

Bob, a seventy-year-old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the country club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy twenty-five-year-old blondehaired woman who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?” Bob replies, “Girlfriend? She’s my wife!” They are knocked over, but continue to ask, “So how’d you persuade her to marry you?” “I lied about my age,” Bob replies. “What? Did you tell her you were only fifty?” Bob smiles and says, “No, I told her I was ninety.”

65. Americans traveling in Holland see old goats in pasture:

Groups of Americans were traveling by a tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat’s milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. “These,” she explained, “are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.” She then asked, “What do you do in America with your old goats?” A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours!”

66. Doctor addressing audience cites horrible stuff we put in and out of stomachs:

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the longterm harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?” After several seconds of quiet, a seventy-five-year-old man in the front row raised his hand and softly said, “Wedding cake.”

67. Old woman dies with bitter regrets:

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, “They wouldn’t take me out while I was alive. I don’t want them to take me out when I’m dead.”

68. “Where is my Sunday paper?”:

“Where is my Sunday paper?!” the irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was. “Madam,” said the newspaper employee, “today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday.” There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, “Well, shit, that explains why no one was at church today!”

69. “Why did Mary and Joseph take Jesus with them to Jerusalem?”:

A Sunday schoolteacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, “They couldn’t get a babysitter.”

70. “Thou shall not kill,” a boy answers:

A Sunday schoolteacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her fiveand six-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor thy father and thy mother,” she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

71. Woman created out of man’s rib:

At Sunday school, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs. Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as though he was ill, and she said, “Johnny, what is the matter?” Little Johnny responded, “I have pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.”

72. Old man stopped by police at 2 in the morning.

An old man was stopped and queried by police at 2 in the morning. The man replied, “I’m on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.” The officer then asked, “Really? Who’s giving that lecture at this time of night?” The man replied, “That would be my wife.”

73. When an old man goes for a checkup, doctor finds a remarkable family:

One day, an older man was in for a checkup. After his examination, his doctor was amazed. “Holy cow, Mr. Edwards! I must say that you are in the greatest shape of any sixty-four-year-old I have ever examined!” “Did I say I was sixty-four?” “Well, no, did I read your chart wrong?” “Damn straight, you did! I’m eighty-five!” “Eighty-five! Unbelievable! You would be in great shape if you were twentyfive! How old was your father when he died?” “Did I say he was dead?” “You mean…” “Damn straight! He’s 106 and going strong!” “My Lord! What a healthy family you must come from! How long did your grandfather live?” “Did I say he was dead?” “No! You can’t mean…” “Damn straight! He’s 126 and getting married next week!” “126! Truly amazing, Mr. Edwards. But gee, I wouldn’t think a man would want to get married at that age!” “Did I say he ‘wanted’ to get married?”

74. Woman lets out silent fart in church, and husband says, “Replace hearing aid battery”:

An elderly couple were attending church services. About halfway through, she leans over and says, “I just let a silent fart. What do you think I should do?” He replies “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”

75. An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall:

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, yellow. The old man just stared at him. The young man said “What’s the matter, old fart? Never done anything wild in your life? The old man replied, “Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my kid.”

76. A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight (also filed under “Lawyers and Legal”):

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily. So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game. The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun. “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00,” he says. This catches the senior’s attention, and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The senior doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now it’s the senior’s turn. He asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?” The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows—all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, “Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?” The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

77. The brash receptionist at an urologist’s office (also filed under “Medical”):

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course, I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted. The waiting room was filled with patients. As I approached the receptionist’s desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large, unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, “Yes, I have your name here. You want to see the doctor about impotence, right?” All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly and in an equally loud voice replied, “No, I’ve come to inquire about a sex change operation, but I don’t want the same doctor that did yours.”

78. Man dies digging up the cabbage:

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other’s health, one asked how the other’s husband was doing. “Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack, and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!” “Oh dear! I’m very sorry,” replied her friend. “What did you do?” “Opened a can of peas instead.”

79. Rye bread for old men:

Two old guys, one eighty and one eighty-seven, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The eighty-seven-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath. The eighty-year-old was amazed at his friend’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The eighty-sevenyear-old said, “Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.” So on the way home the eighty-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, “Do you have any rye bread?” She said, “Yes, there’s a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?” He said, “I want five loaves.” She said, “My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the third loaf, it’ll be hard.” He replied, “I can’t believe it. Everybody knows about this shit but me.”

80. New hearing aid costs 4,000:

A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s the state of the art. It’s perfect.” “Really,” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?” “Twelve thirty.”

81. Proof of purchase for the grocery shopper:

A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the checkout counter where she told the checkout girl, “Nothing but the best for my little kitten.” The girl at the cash said, “I’m sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat.” The little old lady went home, picked up her cat, and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought twelve of the most expensive dog cookies—one for each day of Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food. Frustrated, she went home, came back, and brought in her dog. She was then given the dog cookies. The next day, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, “No, you might have a snake in there.” The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her. So the cashier put her finger into the box, pulled it out, and told the little old lady, “That smells like crap.” The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, “Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?”

82. Elderly man asks brothel madam for a young girl for the night:

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. “I’m ninety-two years old,” he says. “Ninety-two!” replies the woman. “Don’t you realize you’ve had it?” “Oh, sorry,” says the old man. “How much do I owe you?”

83. “I think I am getting senile. I forget to zip up.”:

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, “Doc, I think I’m getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.” “That’s not senility,” replied the doctor. “Senility is when you forget to zip down.”

84. An elderly couple who was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary find money:

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally.” On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There she counted the money—fifty thousand dollars. Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.” Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood, looking for the money, and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?” Sally said, “No.” Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.” Sally said, “Don’t believe him. He’s getting senile.” The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.” Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday…” The first FBI agent turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here.”

85. An elderly couple stop at a roadside restaurant for lunch:

While on a car trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, the elderly woman left her glasses on the table, but she didn’t miss them until they were back on the highway. By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around. The elderly man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant. He called his wife every bad name he could think of. When they finally arrived at the restaurant, as the woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the man yelled to her, “While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat too.”

86. Hearing problems of two old men:

Two gentlemen, both hard of hearing and strangers to each other, were in a bus depot discussing a bus destination coming up. One of them peering through the window asked, “Pardon me, sir, but is this Wembley?” “No,” said the other. “Thursday.” “No, thank you,” said the first. “I’ve already had my little drink.”

87. Two old ladies have a safe smoke using condoms “big enough for a camel.”

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. Her friend said, “What’s that?” The first lady replied, “A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.” “Where did you get it?” “You can get them at any drugstore.” The next day, the friend hobbled herself into the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted a package of condoms. The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she was, after all, over eighty years old) but politely asked what brand she preferred. “It doesn’t matter,” she replied, “as long as it fits a Camel.”

88. Template for a bridal registry for really old people marrying:

Jacob, aged ninety-two, and Rebecca, aged eighty-nine, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way, they a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter, “Are you the owner?” The pharmacist answers, “Yes.” Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?” Pharmacist: “Of course, we do.” Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?” Pharmacist: “All kinds.” Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?” Pharmacist: “Definitely.” Jacob: “How about suppositories?” Pharmacist: “You bet!” Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer’s?” Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.” Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?” Pharmacist: “Absolutely.” Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?” Pharmacist: “We sure do.”

Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?” Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.” Jacob: “Adult diapers?” Pharmacist: “Sure.” Jacob: “We’d like to use this store as our bridal registry.”

89. Old man has problem opening a specimen jar:

Harold is eighty-two and having some prostate problems. After examining him, the doctor gives him a specimen jar and says, “Take this home with you and try to produce a semen specimen. Stop by tomorrow and drop it off so I can run a few tests.” Harold takes the jar and heads home. The next day, Harold comes in and asks to speak with the doctor. When he is taken into the office, the doctor asks how he made out. “Not good, Doc.” Says Harold, “I went home and tried to do what you said. I tried with my right hand ’til it was cramped from the arthritis, no luck. I tried with my left hand until I had blisters… no luck. I asked my wife to help me out, so she tried with her left hand and with her right hand… no luck. She even tried with her mouth. She tried with her teeth in, and she tried with her teeth out… no luck. Then we called Edna, next door, to see if she could help…” “Good grief, man!” exclaimed the doctor. “You asked your neighbor to help you?” “Yep,” says Harold. “None of us could get the lid off that jar.”

90. How to get what you want:

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon, three young boys full of youthful after-school enthusiasm came down his street beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action. The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, “You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I’ll give you each a dollar if you’ll promise to come around every day and do your thing.” The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. “Look,” he said, “I haven’t received my Social Security Pension check yet, so I’m not going to be able to give you more. than 25 cents. Will that be OK? “A lousy quarter?” the drum leader exclaimed. “If you think we’re going to waste our time beating these cans around for a quarter, you’re nuts! No way, mister. We quit!” And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

91. Old man has face-lift and asks, “How old am I?”:

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really great about the result. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?” “About thirty-five” was the reply. “I’m actually forty-seven,” the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into McDonald’s for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is “Oh, you look about twenty-nine.” “I am actually forty-seven!” This makes him feel really good. While standing at the bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, “I am eighty-five years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If I put my hand down your pants for ten minutes, I will be able to tell your exact age.” As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later, the old lady says, “OK, it’s done. You are forty-seven.” Stunned, the man says, “That was brilliant! How did you do that?” The old lady replies, “I was in line behind you at McDonald’s.”

92. A ninety-year-old took Viagra and died (also filed under “Sexy”):

Did you hear about the ninety-year-old man who decided to try one of those Viagra pills? He took it and died the next day. They had a hell of a time closing the coffin.

93. “There’s nothing the matter with me. I’m fine. How are you?”:

There’s nothing the matter with me, I’m just as healthy as can be.

I have arthritis in both knees, And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze.

My pulse is weak, my blood is thin, But I’m awfully well for the shape I’m in.

All my teeth have had to come out, And my diet I don’t like to think about.

I’m overweight and I can’t get thin, But I’m awfully well for the shape I’m in.

And arch s I need for my feet. Or I wouldn’t be able to go out in the street.

Sleep is denied me night after night, But every morning I find I’m all right.

My memory’s failing, my head’s in a spin. But I’m awfully well for the shape I’m in.

Old age is golden—I’ve heard it said, But sometimes I wonder, as I go to bed.

With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup, And my glasses on a shelf, until I get up.

And when sleep dims my eyes, I say to myself, “Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?”

The reason I know my youth has been spent, Is my get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went!

But really I don’t mind, when I think with a grin, Of all the places my get-up has been.

I get up each morning and dust off my wits, Pick up the paper and read the obits.

If my name is missing, I’m therefore not dead, So I eat a good breakfast and jump back into bed.

The moral of this, as the tale unfolds, Is that for you and me, who are growing old, It is better to say “I’m fine” with a grin, Than to let people know the shape we are in.

94. Old man in retirement home who wanted to fart:

In an old folks’ nursing home, a nurse attendant noticed that an old man was always repeatedly leaning over. Being very solicitous, she kept going over there to straighten him out. But each time she did, she noticed that he would again be leaning over. One day his daughter came to visit him and asked him how she liked the nice nursing home. He replied that although by and large it was OK, they just didn’t let him fart.

95. The joys of old age:

Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home. “Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the sixty-year-old. “You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!” “Ah, that’s nothin’,” said the seventy-year-old. “When you’re seventy, you can’t have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin’ comes out! “Actually,” said the eighty-year-old, “eighty is the worst age of all.” “Do you have trouble peeing too?” asked the sixty-year-old. “No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00 a.m. I pee like a racehorse, no problem at all.” “Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?” asked the seventy-year-old. “Well, not really. I have a great bowel movement every morning at 6:30 a.m.” With great exasperation, the sixty-year-old said, “Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 a.m. and have bowel movement every morning at 6:30. What’s so tough about being eighty?” “I don’t wake up until 10:00 a.m.”

96. Wife asks for ice cream, and he brings back bacon and eggs:

An older couple decided that their memory was so bad that they would have to start writing things down in order to them. One evening, the husband got up from watching TV and said he was going to the kitchen. He asked his wife if she wanted anything. Wife said, “Yes, I would like some ice cream.” As he set off, the wife said, “Write it down.” Husband replied, “I can ice cream.” Wife said, “But I also want strawberries on my ice cream. Write it down” Husband said, “I can ice cream with strawberries.” Wife replied, “But I also want whipped cream on the strawberries.” The husband took off without writing it down. He was gone for a while, and when he came back, he was carrying a tray with a dish of bacon and eggs. Wife said, “Now see what you’ve done? You forgot the toast!”

97. “Old man’s peeing problem can be fixed with Viagra?”:

An elderly gentleman went to the local drugstore and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said, “That’s no problem. How many do you want?” The man answered, “Just a few, maybe four, but cut each one in four pieces.” The pharmacist said, “That won’t do you any good.” The elderly gentleman said, “That’s all right. I don’t need them for sex anymore, as I’m over eighty years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don’t pee on my shoes.”

98. With age comes wrinkles in the birthday suit:

An old woman went to visit her daughter, and she found her naked, waiting for her husband. The mother asks the daughter, “What are you doing naked?” The daughter responds, “This is the dress of love.” When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband. When her husband arrives, he asks her, “What are you doing naked, woman?” She responds: “This is the dress of love.” And he said, “Well, go iron it.”

99. Elderly sex (also filed under “Sexy”):

One night, an eighty-seven year-old woman came home from bingo to find her ninety-two year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their twentieth-floor “assistedliving apartment,” killing him instantly. Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, “Yes, Your Honor, I figured that at ninety-two, if he could have sex, he could fly.”

100. A quote from a retired old man, Harold:

“I’ve often been asked, ‘What do you do now that you’re retired?’ Well, I’m fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine, and whiskey into urine. It’s rewarding, uplifting, satisfying, and fulfilling. I do it every day and I really enjoy it.”

101. Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Granddaughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a “Honk if you love Jesus” bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did. What an uplifting experience that followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn’t notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, “For the love of God! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, Go!” What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the backseat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing. Even he was enjoying this religious experience! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters and drove on through the

intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

102. How us older guys pick up chicks:

A touching story… I’m not the best-looking guy; some would say I’m a little frayed around the edges these days. But I have a nice bike, a little money, and I spend most of my time casually riding from place to place. I met a nice-looking girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us. She did this cute little dance, then immediately dropped to her knees and lay on the grass at my feet. As we lay making love, I thought, Damn, these Taser guns are really worth the money!

103. “At ninety years, I don’t need my driver’s license anymore!”

My neighbor was out working in his yard, when he was startled by a late-model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up on his front lawn. He rushed to help the elderly driver out and sat her on a lawn chair. “My goodness,” he exclaimed. “You appear quite elderly to be driving!” “Well, yes I am!” she replied proudly. “I’ll be ninety-seven next month, and I am now old enough so that I don’t even need a license anymore! The last time I went to my doctor he examined me and asked if I had a driving license. I told him yes and handed it to him. He took his scissors out of his drawer, cut the license into pieces and threw them in the waste basket. ‘You won’t be needing this anymore!’ he said. So I thanked him and left!”

104. She didn’t want me. She wanted me to watch her dog:

She’s single. She lives right across the street. I can see her house from my living room. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway. She knocked on my door. I rushed to open it. She looked at me, and said, “I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long! Are you busy tonight?” I immediately replied, “Nope, I’m free. I have no plans at all!” Then she said, “Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?” It’s no fun being old!

One-liner Puns

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PS01. Short one-line puns. PS02. Short short-story puns. PS03. Definition puns. PS04. Puns in business. PS05. Puns in Confucius sayings (also filed under “Adages, et al.”). PS06. Puns in potential company mergers. PS07. The idiots of several States

1. Short one-line puns:

I changed my iPod name to Titanic—it’s synching now. When a chemist dies, they barium. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. A birdwatcher was attacked by a Great Grebe. He suffered griebous bodily harm. I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time. An Indian chief drank a gallon of tea. He drowned in his reepee. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

A guy got arrested playing the guitar for fingering a minor. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. They told me I had type A blood, but it was a typo. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. PMS jokes aren’t funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations. Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz. Energizer bunny arrested—charged with battery. I didn’t like my beard at first; then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it! Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils? When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me! Broken pencils are pointless. I tried to catch some fog. But I mist. What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of Communism class because of lousy Marx. All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on. I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough. Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro—what a rip-off! Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy. Venison for dinner? Oh deer! Earthquake in Washington obviously government’s fault. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure. Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings too. Energizer Bunny was arrested and charged with battery. A man’s home is his castle in a manor of speaking. A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative. My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it’s just kiln time. Dijon vu—the same mustard as before. Practice safe eating—always use condiments. I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. Shotgun wedding is a case of wife or death. I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. Marriage is the mourning after the knot before. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines. Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome? Dancing cheek to cheek is really a form of floor play. Banning the bra was a big flop. Sea captains don’t like crew cuts. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor. Without geometry, life is pointless. When you dream in color, it’s a pigment of your imagination. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red. When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I. If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality from morons? How does a witch tell the time? She looks at her witch watch! What is Dracula’s favorite fruit? A necktarine (second choice— blood orange).

What is Caspar the Ghost’s favorite fruit? A boooberry!

A good pun is its own reword. Energizer Bunny arrested—charged with battery. Despite rumors to the contrary, a mime is actually a very satisfying thing to waste. A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative. My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it’s just kiln time. Dijon vu—the same mustard as before. Practice safe eating—always use condiments. Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded. I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe. If electricity comes from electrons… does that mean that morality comes from morons? A hangover is the wrath of grapes. Corduroy pillows are making headlines. Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome? Dancing cheek to cheek is really a form of floor play. Adolescence—when a lad forsakes his bosom buddy for a bosomed buddy.

Banning the bra was a big flop. Sea captains don’t like crew cuts. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter. Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor. She criticized my apartment, so I knocked her flat. Without geometry, life is pointless. When you dream in color, it’s a pigment of your imagination.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red. When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I. I dated a janitor’s daughter. She swept me off my feet. The axe of the Apostles. When you swim in a creek and an ell bites your cheek, that’s a Morray. To err is human, to moo, bovine. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was assaulted. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, “Sorry we don’t serve food in

here.” Blessed are those who are cracked for they are the ones who let in the light. I dropped out of Communism class because of lousy Marx.

2. Short short-story puns:

If you ever get the sudden urge to run around naked, you should sniff some Windex first. It’ll keep you from streaking.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive.”

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer, please, and one for the road.”

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love, get married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was brilliant.

Two cows were standing next to each other in a field. Daisy said to Dolly “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” said Dolly.

“It’s true, no bull!” exclaimed Daisy.

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

I went to the butchers the other day, and I bet him $50.00 that he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

A friend told the blonde, “Christmas is on a Friday this year.” The blonde then said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”

3. Definition puns:

Beauty Parlor: A place where women curl up and dye. Cannibal: Someone who is fed up with people. Egotist: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. Handkerchief: Cold storage. Toothache: The pain that drives you to extraction.

4. Puns in business:

Today’s Stock Market Report: Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading. Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged. Shipping lines stayed at an even keel. The market for raisins dried up. Coca Cola fizzled. Caterpillar stock inched up a bit. Sun peaked at midday. Balloon prices were inflated.

Scott Tissue touched a new bottom. And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market. Wear short sleeves! your right to bare arms!

5. Puns in Confucius sayings (also filed under “Adages, et al.”):

Man who runs in front of car gets tired. Man who runs behind car gets exhausted. Man with one chopstick goes hungry. Man who scratches butt should not bite fingernails. Man who eats many prunes gets good run for money. War does not determine who is right; war determines who is left. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse. Man who drives like hell bound to get there. Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement. Man who fishes in other man’s well often catches crabs. Crowded elevator smells different to midget. Confucius says man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

6. Puns in potential company mergers:

Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace. Polygram Records, Warner Bros, and Zesta Crackers forces and become Polly Warner Cracker. 3 M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as MMMGood. Zippo Mfg., Audi Motor Car, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge to become, of course, ZipAudiDoDa. Federal Express is expected to its major competitor, UPS, and consolidate as FedUP. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become Fairwell Honeychild. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become Poupon Pants. Knotts Berry Farm and the Nat’l Org. of Women will become Knott now!

7. Idiots by States:

Georgia The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, “Y’all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?” The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everthang but my earrings.”

Louisiana A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying…”When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana.” When asked why, he replied, “I’d rather be in Louisiana ’cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world.”

Mississippi The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, “Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!” Bubba replied, “Did y’all see who it was?” The young man answered, “I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number.”

North Carolina A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and

proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A erby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, “I got a flat tahr.” The erby asked, “But what’s with the flowers?” The man responded, “When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.”

Tennessee A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, “Got any ID?” The driver replied, “Bout whut?”

Texas The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, “Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head.” “Yep,” he replied. “That’s why I’m dumpin’ it here, ’cause it says: ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage.’”

Paddy, Murphy, and Mick Series:

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PM01. A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. PM02. Paddy calls Easyjet Airlines to book a flight. PM03. Paddy and his wife in bed hear neighbor’s dog barking. PM04. Paddy looks for a parking space. PM05. Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service. PM06. Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman, was asked to identify headless woman. PM07. Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. PM08. Paddy thinks all his cows have Bluetongue. PM09. Mick and Paddy are reading headstones. PM10. Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm. PM11. Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy. PM12. Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. PM13. Mike wants a stiff one because of battle with wife.

PM14. Paddy at a New York Intersection. PM15. Paddy needs a parking place (also filed under “Religious”).

1. A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane:

Paddy ordered a whisky. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he’d like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!” Paddy handed his drink back and said, “Me too. I didn’t know we had a choice!”

2. Paddy calls Easyjet Airlines to book a flight:

The operator asks, “How many people are flying with you?” Paddy replies, “I don’t know! It’s your f—ing plane!”

3. Paddy and his wife in bed hear neighbor’s dog barking. (Also filed in Blonde)

Paddy and his wife are lying, and the neighbor’s dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says, “To hell with this!” and storms off. He comes back upstairs five minutes later and his wife asks, “What did you do?” Paddy replies, “I’ve put the dog in our garden. Let’s see how they like it!”

4. Paddy looks for a parking space:

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven, he said, “Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place, I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish whiskey!” Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one.”

5. Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service:

Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said, in his professional opinion, it was a death trap!

6. Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman, was asked to identify headless woman:

Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach, was asked to identify her. A detective held up the head. Paddy said, “I don’t think that’s her. She wasn’t that tall!”

7. Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night:

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled, and says, “You know what I want, don’t you?” “Yeah,” says Paddy. “The whole feckin’ bed by the looks of it!”

8. Paddy thinks all his cows have Bluetongue:

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. “Be Jeysus!” he said. “I didn’t even know they had mobile phones!”

9. Mick and Paddy are reading headstones:

Mick and Paddy are reading headstones at a nearby cemetery. Mick says, “Crikey! There’s a bloke here who was 152!” Paddy says, “What’s his name? Mick replies, “Miles, from London!”

10. Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm:

Paddy and Mick went to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!

11. Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy:

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised, and he’s walking with a limp. “What happened to you?” asks Sean, the bartender. “Jamie O’Conner and me had a fight,” says Paddy. “That little O’Conner,” says Sean. “He couldn’t do that to you. He must have had something in his hand.” “That he did,” says Paddy. “A shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin’ he gave me with it.” “Well,” says Sean, “you should have defended yourself. Didn’t you have something in your hand?” “That I did,” said Paddy. “Mrs. O’Conner’s breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.”

12. Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site:

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy “I’m gonna have the day off. I’m gonna pretend I’m mad!” He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down, and shouts, “I’m a lightbulb! I’m a lightbulb!” Murphy watches in amazement! The foreman shouts, “Paddy, you’re mad. Go home.” So Paddy leaves the site promptly. Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well. “Where the hell are you going?” asks the foreman. “I can’t work in the friggin’ dark!” says Murphy.

13. Mike wants a stiff one because of battle with wife:

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, “Pour me a stiff one— just had another fight with the little woman.” “Oh yeah?” said Charlie. “And how did this one end?” “When it was over,” Mike replied, “she came to me on her hands and knees.” “Really?” said Charles. “Now that’s a switch! What did she say?” She said, “Come out from under the bed, you little coward.”

14. Paddy at a New York Intersection:

Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, “OK, pedestrians.” Then he’d allow the traffic to . He’d done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, “Pedestrians!” for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, “Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?”

15. Paddy needs a parking place (also filed under “Religious”):

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven, he said, “Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place, I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish whiskey!” Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one.”

Parenting: Children and Parents

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P01. Why they call it Poupon. P02. Father teaches son about the urge. P03. Too rough. P04. Thumb sucking. P05. Li’l Johnny found out the adults’ secret. P06. Child’s truthfulness at play. P07. The trick—father to climb the walls when Grandma visits. P08. A certain little girl’s question about progeny. P09. “I lost my grandpa!” P10. A man boarded a plane with six kids. P11. The Lord’s Prayer explained. P12. Why the child must keep quiet in the church. P13. Child returns home from first class in school. P14. Mother smears cold cream on face, and Johnny wonders.

P15. Bible story about Lot turning to salt. P16. Innocent question about hair by Johnny. P17. Don’t lie to Mom no matter how old you are. P18. Obsessions reflected in child’s name. P19. Child witnesses birth, and paramedic spanks baby to get it going. P20. How kids misinterpret well-known phrases and sayings (from Dear Ann Landers). P21. Kids’ sayings and misinterpretations. P22. “Daddy, what’s sex?” P23. Little girl in barbershop and hair falls on her Twinkie. P24. “Who’s driving this car—you or your mother?” P25. The missing booger on child’s finger. P26. What kids say. P27. Parent’s reward to the cussing kid. P28. Johnny pushed the outhouse into the creek. P29. Indian boy wonders why Indian names are long compared to Whites. P30. Grandma brings baby for medical exam. P31. Pregnant but keep it secret. P32. “How old are you? Did you start at one?” P33. Who was that? Angry grandmother. P34. Grandma’s childhood queried by granddaughter.

P35. Grandson asks how Grandma and God are alike. P36. Girl typing story but can’t read. P37. Granddaughter and colors. P38. Fireflies and mosquitoes with flashlights. P39. “How old is Grandma?” P40. Granddaughter learned how to make babies in school. P41. Boy thinks carrying a child makes one pregnant. P42. Nursery schoolteacher has a wagon full of kids. P43. Children make statements about the Bible. P44. The good grandpa. P45. Sylvia brings report card home. P46. Little girl peppers mother with a lot of personal questions. P47. Grandma’s boyfriend—the TV (also filed in “Sexy But Clean”). P48. Grandma’s age is “thirty-nine and counting.” P49. The water pistol birthday gift. P50. He said he “would climb the walls if she came to visit.” P51. First-time ushers. P52. “Can you a family?” P53. Children can be little demons. P54. Palm Sunday and palm branches. P55. Daddy is a fisherman.

P56. Boy checks out the animal crackers box to see if seal is broken. P57. Father and son happen on the condom aisle. P58. “The twist sounds like the screw, doesn’t it?” P59. Kids’ interpretations. P60. A child sees false teeth and thinks of tooth fairy. P61. Son asks father here his intelligence comes from. P62. Little boy has his way of getting into heaven. P63. Daddy is a sissy. Mom has to sleep with him in the thunderstorm. P64. Child says to pastor, “Mom says it’s a bitch to iron.” P65. Child notices big butt as big tummy carrying a child. P66. Tommy and the dead frog. P67. Cute offspring stories. P68. The salesman and the cigar-smoking boy. P69. Mother seeks minister to discipline kids. “Where is God?” P70. Whether it’s a boy kitten or girl kitten is ‘printed on the bottom.’ P71. A little boy finds a leaf pressed between the pages of the big and old family Bible. P72. Kid wonders about the King James “Virgin” of the Bible. P73. Mother eavesdrops on daughter’s prayer. P74. Daughter interprets Lord’s Prayer. “Forgive us our trash baskets.” P75. Boy tells God he is having a good time being a boy.

P76. Boy is in wedding procession to altar and “roars” because he is the “ring bear.” P77. The toy train, a Christmas gift to son.

1. Why they call it Poupon:

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce, and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard and picked it up with both hands, but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. “Hold, Johnny (our six-week-old son), while I get my sandwich,” she said. I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off. It was not mustard. No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue. Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife said, “Now you know why they call that mustard ‘Poupon.’”

2. Father teaches son about the urge:

A father spoke to his son, “It’s time we had a little talk, my son. Soon you will have urges and feelings you’ve never had before. Your heart will pound and your hands will sweat. You’ll be preoccupied and won’t be able to think of anything else.” He added, “But don’t worry. It’s perfectly normal… It’s called golf.”

3. Too rough:

A little girl asked her mother, “Can I go outside and play with the boys?” Her mother replied, “No, you can’t play with the boys. They’re too rough.” The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, “If can find a smooth one, can I play with him?”

4. Thumb sucking:

A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that “if you don’t stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon.” Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, “Uh-oh, I know what you’ve been doing.”

5. Li’l Johnny found out the adults’ secret:

At school, Li’l Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Li’l Johnny decided to go home and try it out. He went home, and as he was greeted by his mother, he said, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly handed him $20 and said, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waited for his father to get home from work and greeted him with, “I know the whole truth.” Johnny’s father promptly handed him $40 and said, “Please don’t say a word to your mother!” Very pleased, the boy was on his way to school the next day when he saw the mailman at his front door. Li’l Johnny greeted him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately dropped the mail and opened his arms, saying, “Then come give your real father a big hug.”

6. Child’s truthfulness at play:

A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar. During her struggle, the phone rang, so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone. “It’s the minister, Mommy,” the child said to her mother. Then she added, “Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.”

7. The trick—father to climb the walls when Grandma visits:

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, “I’m so happy to see you, Grandma! Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us.” The grandmother was curious. “What trick is that, my dear?” she asked. The little boy replied, “I heard Daddy tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again.”

8. A certain little girl’s question about progeny:

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, “I’m Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter.” Her mother told her this was wrong; she must say, “I’m Jane Sugarbrown.” The vicar spoke to her in Sunday School and said, “Aren’t you Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter?” She replied, “I thought I was, but mother says I’m not.”

9. “I lost my grandpa!”

A small boy, a grandson, got lost in the shopping mall. He approached a uniformed security guard and said, “I’ve lost my grandpa!” The guard smiled, then asked, “What’s he like?” The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied, “Crown Royal Whiskey and women with big tits.”

10. A man boarded a plane with six kids:

A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over and asked, “Are all of those kids yours?” He replied, “No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.”

11. The Lord’s Prayer explained:

A mother was teaching her three-year-old the Lord’s Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night, she said she was ready to go solo. The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer. “Lead us not into temptation,” she prayed, “but deliver us some e-mail, Amen.”

12. Why the child must keep quiet in the church:

A Sunday schoolteacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?” One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”

13. Child returns home from first class in school:

The child comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks, “What did you learn today?” The kid replies, “Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow.”

14. Mother smears cold cream on face, and Johnny wonders:

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. “Why do you do that, Mom?” “To make myself beautiful,” she answered. She then began to remove the cream with a tissue. “What’s the matter?” Johnny started. “Giving up?”

15. Bible story about Lot turning to salt:

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city. But his wife looked back and was turned to salt.” His son asked, “What happened to the flea?”

16. Innocent question about hair by Johnny:

Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. “Mommy, Mommy, why has Daddy got so few hairs on his head?” he asked his mother. “He thinks a lot,” replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband’s baldness. Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked, “So why do you have so much hair?”

17. Don’t lie to Mom no matter how old you are:

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how beautiful John’s roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than that met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Julie and I are just roommates.” About a week later, Julie came to John and said, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can’t find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?” John said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure.” So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mother,

I’m not saying you “did” take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you “did not” take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, John

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:

Dear Son,

I’m not saying that you “do” sleep with Julie, and I’m not saying that you “do not” sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

18. Obsessions reflected in child’s name:

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. “You all have obsessions,” he observed. To the first mother, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.” He turned to the second mom. “Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.” He turned to the third mom. “Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child’s name, Brandy.” At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, “Come on, Dick, we’re leaving.”

19. Child is a witness to a birth, and paramedic spanks baby to get it going:

It was late at night, and Heidi, who was expecting her second child, was home alone with her three-year-old daughter Katelyn. When Heidi started going into labor, she called “911.” Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed three-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Katelyn quickly responded, “He shouldn’t have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again!”

20. How kids misinterpret well-known phrases and sayings (from Dear Ann Landers):

When my twin daughters were young, I taught them to say this prayer before going to bed. As I listened outside their door, I could hear them say, “Give us this steak and daily bread and forgive us our mattresses.”

From San Francisco: When I was a child, I learned this prayer as “Our Father, who are in Heaven, Howard be thy name.” I always thought that was God’s real name.

Groton, Massachusetts: My mother spent her early childhood saying, “Hail Mary, full of grapes.”

Missoula, Montana: My son, who is in nursery school, said, “Our Father, who art in Heaven, how didja know my name?”

Uniontown, Ohio: I thinking this prayer was “Give us this day our jelly bread.”

Covina, California: I recall reading something years ago about the Pledge of Allegiance. Somchild thought it began, “I led the pigeons to the flag.”

Cleveland, Ohio: When I was little, I often wondered who Richard Stands was: “I pledge allegiance to the flag… and to the republic for Richard Stands.”

Schenectady, New York: I once knew a child whose favorite Sunday school song was “Gladly, the Cross-Eyed Bear.”

Tampa, Florida: When my husband was six years old, he thought a certain prayer was “He suffered under a bunch of violets” (under Pontius Pilate).

Lake Forest Park, Washington: When I was a little girl, we sang a song in Sunday school about Noah. Part of the chorus was “And the rains came down, and the floods came up.” We lived next door to a couple of charming little girls who always sang this song while playing in their garden. Their words were, “And the rains came down, and the spuds came up.”

Oak Harbor, Washington: When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church altar with my mother when she took communion. On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, “What does the priest say when he gives you the bread?” Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock many years later when he learned that the priest doesn’t say, “Be quiet until you get to your seat.”

Grand Junction, Colorado: When I was younger, I believed the line was “Lead a snot into temptation.” I thought I was praying for my little sister to get into trouble.

21. Kids’ sayings and misinterpretations:

A little boy was overheard praying: “Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it. I’m having a real good time like I am.”

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, “Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor’s wife.”

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the backseat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, “That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys.”

I had been teaching my three-year-old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord’s Prayer for several evenings at bedtime. She would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: “Lead us not into temptation,” she prayed, “but deliver us some e-mail. Amen.”

One particular four-year-old prayed, “And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”

A Sunday schoolteacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?” One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had enough. “You’re not supposed to talk out loud in church.” “Why? Who’s going to stop me?” Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, “See those two men standing by the door? They’re hushers.”

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, five, and Ryan, three. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. “If Jesus were sitting here, he would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.’” Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan, you be Jesus!”

22. “Daddy, what’s sex?”:

Little Lucy ran out to the backyard where her father was working on the grill and asked him, “Daddy, what’s sex?” Nervous about the question, but feeling that it must be time, her father sat her down and told her all about the birds and the bees. He explained about how women and men were different, how they had intercourse to make babies, and how girls went through puberty and menstruation. Seeing that she was fascinated by the conversation and listening intently, he expanded into a wide variety of related topics, figuring she might as well be well informed. Finally finishing his lecture, he asked her, “So what made you want to know about sex?” “Oh, Mommy said to tell you that lunch would be ready in a couple of secs.”

23. Little girl in barbershop and hair falls on her Twinkie:

A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair eating a snack cake while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, “Sweetheart, you’re gonna get hair on your Twinkie.” She says, “Yes, I know, and I’m gonna get boobs too.”

24. “Who’s driving this car—you or your mother?”

A man is driving with his wife at his side and his mother-in-law in the backseat. And the women just won’t leave the poor guy alone. His mother-in-law says, “You’re driving too fast!” His wife says, “Stay to the left!” After several more orders from both of them, the man breaks down and barks at his wife, “Who’s driving this car—you or your mother?”

25. The missing booger on child’s finger:

As I was packing for my business trip, my three-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, “Daddy, look at this,” and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, “Daddy’s gonna eat your fingers!” I pretended to eat them before I rushed out of the room again. When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed, staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, “What’s wrong, honey?” She replied, “What happened to my booger?”

26. What kids say:

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my five-year-old shout from the backseat, “Mom! That lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!”

Honesty: My son Zachary, four, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he’d dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, “We better throw this one out too then ’cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.”

Opinions: On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, “The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.”

Ketchup: A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle, the phone rang, so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone. “It’s the minister, Mommy,” the child said to her mother. Then she added, “Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.”

More Nudity: A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, “What’s the matter? Haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?”

Elderly: While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shutins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers, and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, “The tooth fairy will never believe this!”

27. Parent’s reward to the cussing kid:

Little Johnny had a cussing problem, and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said, “Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests.” Two days before Christmas, Johnny’s father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. “I want a damn teddy bear lying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs, I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside, I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage.” Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage. When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, “What did Santa bring you this year?” Johnny replied, “I think I got a dog, but I can’t find the son of a bitch!”

28. Johnny pushed the outhouse into the creek:

Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek, and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen, so the little boy decided that day was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large pole and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied, “Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn’t it, Son?” The boy answered, “Yes, Father.” Then he thought a moment and said, “Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn’t get into trouble because he told the truth.” The dad replied, “Well, Son, George Washington’s father wasn’t in the cherry tree.”

29. Indian boy wonders why Indian names are long compared to Whites:

A little Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and witch doctor of the tribe, “Papa, why is it that we always have long names while the white men have shorter names—Bill, Tex, or Sam, for example?” His father replied, “Look, Son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation. Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything we survive. “For example, your sister’s name is Small Romantic Moon Over the Lake because on the night she was born there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake. Then there’s your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and enjoy the life force of our people. “It’s very simple and easy to understand. Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?”

30. Grandma brings baby for medical exam:

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. “Breast-fed,” she replied. “Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, “No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.” “I know,” she said. “I’m his grandma, but I’m glad I came.”

31. Pregnant but keep it secret:

Mr. Smith comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck. “I have great news. I’m a month overdue. I think we’re going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can’t tell anybody.” The next day, Mrs. Smith receives a telephone call from AEC (Ahmedabad Electric Company) because the electricity bill has not been paid. “Am I speaking to Mrs. Smith?” “Yes… speaking.” AEC guy says, “You’re a month overdue, you know!” “How do you know?” stammers the young woman. “Well, ma’am, it’s in our files!” says the AEC guy. “What are you saying? It’s in your files… How?” “Yes… We have a system of finding out who’s overdue” “God! . . . This is too much…” “Madam, I am sorry… I am following orders… I have to inform you that you are overdue.” “I know that… Let me talk to my husband about this tonight… . He will speak to your company tomorrow.” That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the AEC office the next morning. “What’s going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?” the husband shouts. “Just calm down,” says the lady at the reception at AEC. “It’s nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.”

“Pay you? And if I refuse?” “Well, in that case, sir, we’d have no option but to cut yours off.” “And what would my wife do then?” the husband asks. “I don’t know. I guess she’d have to use a candle.”

32. How old are you? Did you start at one?:

My grandson called the other day to wish me happy birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, “Sixty-two.” He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, “Did you start at one?”

33. Who was that? Angry grandmother:

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, “Who was that?”

34. Grandma’s childhood queried by granddaughter:

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire. It hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.” The little girl was wide-eyed, taking all this in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”

35. Grandma and God are alike:

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?” I mentally polished my halo while I asked, “No. How are we alike?” “You’re both old,” he replied.

36. Girl typing story but can’t read:

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather’s word processor. She told him she was writing a story. “What’s it about?” he asked. “I don’t know,” she replied. “I can’t read.”

37. Granddaughter and colors:

I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, “Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!”

38. Fireflies and mosquitoes with flashlights:

When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, “It’s no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.”

39. “How old is Grandma?”:

When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, “I’m not sure.” “Look in your underwear, Grandma,” he advised. “Mine says I’m four to six.”

40. Granddaughter learned how to make babies in school:

A second-grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, “Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.” The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. “That’s interesting,” she said. “How do you make babies?” “It’s simple,” replied the girl. “You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘es,’”

41. Boy thinks carrying a child makes one pregnant:

Children’s logic: “Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said a teacher. The small boy wrote: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.” The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked. Sure,” said the young boy confidently. “It means carrying a child.”

42. Nursery schoolteacher with a wagon full of kids:

A nursery schoolteacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting on the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children discussing the dog’s duties. “They use him to keep the crowds back,” said one youngster. “No,” said another, “he’s just for good luck.” A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrant.”

43. Children’s statements about the Bible:

The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e. bad spelling has been left in).

In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears. Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not it adultery. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times. Solomon, one of David’s sons, had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to other before they do one to you. He also explained, “A man doth not live by sweat alone.” It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance. The people who followed the Lord were called the twelve decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taxi man. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

44. The good grandpa:

A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved three-year-old grandson. It’s obvious to her that Gramps has his hands full with the child screaming for candies in the candy aisle and cookies in the cookie aisle, same for fruit, cereal, and soda in their respective aisles. Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, “Easy, Albert, we won’t be long. Easy, boy.” Another outburst and she hears Gramps calmly say, “It’s OK, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.” At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again in a controlled voice says, “Albert, Albert, relax, buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes. Stay cool, Albert.” Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. “You know, sir, it’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK. Albert is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.” “Thanks, lady,” said Gramps. “But actually, I’m Albert. The little bastard’s name is Steve.”

45. Sylvia brings report card home:

Sylvia: Dad, can you write in the dark? Father: I think so. What do you want me to write? Sylvia: Your name on this report card.

46. Little girl peppers mother with a lot of personal questions.

A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, “Mommy, how old are you?” The mother responded, “Honey, women don’t talk about their age. You’ll learn this as you get older.” The girl then asked, “Mommy, how much do you weigh?” Her mother responded again, “That’s another thing women don’t talk about. You’ll learn this, too, as you grow up.” The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, “Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?” The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, “Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don’t want to talk about it now.” The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend’s house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about her and her mother’s conversation. The girlfriend says, “All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother’s driver’s license. It’s just like a report card from school. It tells you everything.” Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off with “Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. You’re thirty-two years old.” The mother is very shocked. She asks, “Sweetheart, how do you know that?” The little girl shrugs and says, “I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds.” “Where did you learn that?” The little girl says, “I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an ‘F’ in sex.”

47. Grandma’s boyfriend—the TV (also filed in “Sexy But Clean”).

A five-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, “Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?” Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend.” Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV, hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma’s minister. The minister said, “Hello, Son, is your Grandma home?” The little boy replied, “Yeah, she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend.” The minister fainted.

48. Grandma’s age is “thirty-nine and counting”:

Little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was. Grandma answered, “Thirtynine and holding.” Johnny thought for a moment, and then asked, “And how old would you be if you let go?”

49. The water pistol birthday gift:

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, “I’m surprised at you. Don’t you how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?” Mom smiled and then replied, “I !”

50. He said he “would climb the walls if she came to visit”:

“Oh, I sure am happy to see you,” the little boy said to his grandmother on his mother’s side. “Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us.” The grandmother was curious. “What trick is that?” she asked. “I heard him tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit,” the little boy answered.

51. First-time ushers:

A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers ed around the offering plates. When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, “Don’t pay for me, Daddy. I’m under five.”

52. “Can you a family?”:

The prospective father-in-law asked, “Young man, can you a family?” The surprised groom-to-be replied, “Well, no. I was just planning to your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves.”

53. Children can be little demons:

One Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching the children’s sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, “What’s in here?” “I know!” a little boy exclaimed. “Pantyhose!”

54. Palm Sunday and palm branches:

It was Palm Sunday, and because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches. The boy asked what they were for. “People held them over Jesus’s head as he walked by.” “Wouldn’t you know it?” the boy fumed. “The one Sunday I don’t go, he shows up!”

55. Daddy is a fisherman:

The Waltons invited their new neighbors over to dinner. During dinner, Mr. Walton was asked what he did for a living. Eight-year-old Brian Walton jumped in and said, “Daddy is a fisherman!” Mrs. Walton jumped in quickly, “Brian, why do you say that? Your daddy is a stockbroker, not a fisherman.” “No, Mom. Every time we visit Dad at work and he hangs up the phone, he laughs, rubs his hands together, and says, ‘I just caught another fish.’”

56. Boy checks out the animal crackers box to see if seal is broken:

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. “What are you doing?” his mother asked. “The box says you can’t eat them if the seal is broken,” the boy explained. “So I’m looking for the seal. I sure hope he’s OK.”

57. Father and son happen on the condom aisle:

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, “Well, you see that three-pack? That’s for when you’re in high school. You have two for Friday night and one for Saturday night.” The son then asks his father, “What’s the six-pack for?” The father replies, “Well, that’s for when you’re in college. You have two for Friday night, two for Saturday night, and two for Sunday morning.” Then the son asks his father what the twelve-pack is for. The father replies, “Well, that’s for when you’re married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for…”

58. “The twist sounds like the screw, doesn’t it?”:

It’s spring in 1957, and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby’s a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue’s father answers and invites him in. “Peggy Sue’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says. “That’s cool,” says Bobby. Peggy Sue’s father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie. Peggy Sue’s father responds, “Why don’t you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.” Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, and he says, “Whaaaat?” “Yeah,” says Peggy Sue’s father. “Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She’ll screw all night if we let her!” Bobby’s eyes light up, and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she’s ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out of the front door while Dad is saying, “Have a good evening, kids!” About twenty minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, “Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It’s called the twist!”

59. Kids’ interpretations:

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle, the phone rang, so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone. “It’s the minister, Mommy,” the child said to her mother. Then she added, “Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.”

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, “What’s the matter? Haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?”

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.” “And why not, darling?” “You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.”

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five-yearold son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said, “Glory be unto the Faaaather and unto the Sonnn… and into the hole he gooooes.”

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. “I’m just wasting my time,” she said to her mother. “I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!”

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. “Mama, look what I found,” the boy called out. “What have you got there, dear?” With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear!”

60. A child sees false teeth and thinks of tooth fairy:

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers, and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, “The tooth fairy will never believe this!”

61. Son asks father here his intelligence comes from.

A little boy went up to his father and asked: ‘Dad, where did my intelligence come from?’ The father replied: ‘Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.’

62. Little boy has his way of getting into heaven:

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, “How do you expect to get into heaven?” The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!’”

63. Daddy is a sissy. Mom has to sleep with him in the thunderstorm:

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?” The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can’t, dear,” she said. “I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.” A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice, “The big sissy.”

64. Child says to pastor, “Mom says it’s a bitch to iron”:

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children’s sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress, and as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, “That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?” The little girl replied directly into the pastor’s clip-on microphone, “Yes, and my mom says it’s a bitch to iron.”

65. Child notices big butt as big tummy carrying a child:

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three-year-old came into the room as I was preparing to get into the shower. She said, “Mommy, you getting fat!” I replied, “Yes, honey. Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy?” “I know,” she replied, “but what’s growing in your butt?”

66. Tommy and the dead frog:

One day, little Tommy wanders into the local brothel, dragging a dead frog on a piece of string along behind him. (Thud! thud! thud! . . .) He goes up to the woman at the front and says, “Please, miss, I’d like a girl please.” “Go home, sonny,” replies the proprietor, not unkindly. “You’re too young yet for this.” Tommy reaches into his pocket, drags out a $50 note which he slaps on the desk, and beams brightly. “Up the stairs, third door on the right” comes the reply as the $50 vanishes. Tommy starts to climb the stairs (thud! thud! thud! . . .) when he runs back again. “I forgot. This girl has got to have active herpes!” he cries. “No way, kid. All our girls are clean!” Tommy reaches into the other pocket and another $50 appears. “Ahh, last door on the left…” he is told. Tommy climbs the stairs, still dragging the dead frog on the string (thud! thud! thud, etc.) and sometime later reappears. He waves to the woman at the front desk and is about to go out (with the frog) when she calls him back. “I can understand curiosity at your age,” she says, “but why the active herpes?” “Well,” says Tommy, “when I go home, the babysitter will be there. I’ll screw her before she goes home, and she’ll get the herpes. Later on, Dad’ll take her home and have her in the back of the Mercedes, and he’ll get the herpes. Later on, he’ll get back and jump on Mummy, and she will get the herpes too. In the morning, Daddy’ll go to work. The milkman will come and get in bed with Mummy and he’ll get the herpes, and he’s the bastard who ran over my frog!”

67. Cute offspring stories.

1. A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, five, and Ryan, three. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. “If Jesus were sitting here, he would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.’” Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan, you be Jesus!”

2. A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always was to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The pastor said to him, “You need to the army of the Lord!” My friend replied, “I’m already in the army of the Lord, Pastor.” Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?” He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.”

3. A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut and we’ll talk about it.” After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father’s study where his father said, “Son, I’ve been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied your Bible diligently, but you didn’t get your hair cut!” The young man waited a moment and replied, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.”

His father replied, “Yes, but they walked everywhere they went!”

4. A mother was teaching her three-year-old daughter the Lord’s Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night, she said she was ready to go solo. The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end. “And lead us not into temptation,” she prayed, “but deliver us some e-mail, Amen.”

68. The salesman and the cigar-smoking boy:

A salesman rang the bell at a suburban home, and the door was opened by a nine-year-old boy puffing on a long black cigar. Hiding his amazement, the salesman asked the young man, “Is your mother home?” The boy took the cigar out of his mouth, flicked ashes on the carpet, and asked, “What do you think?”

69. Mother seeks minister to discipline kids. “Where is God?”:

A couple had two little boys, aged eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble, and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some way involved. The parents were at their wits’ end as to what to do about their sons’ behavior. The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the clergyman. The husband said, “We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!” The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually. The eight year-old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?” The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?” Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face. “Where is god?” At that, the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home, slamming himself in the closet. His elder brother followed him into the closet and said, “What happened?” The younger brother replied, “We are in big trouble this time. God is missing, and they think we did it.”

70. Whether it’s a boy kitten or girl kitten is ‘printed on the bottom.’

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, “There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.” “How did you know?” his mother asked. “Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,” he replied. “I think it’s printed on the bottom.”

71. A little boy finds a leaf pressed between the pages of the big and old family Bible:

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages. “Momma, look what I found,” the boy called out. “What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, “It’s Adam’s suit!”

72. Kid wonders about the King James “Virgin” of the Bible:

A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, “Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?”

73. Mother eavesdrops on daughter’s prayer:

I had been teaching my three-year-old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord’s Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she could repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer. “Lead us not into temptation,” she prayed, “but deliver us some e-mail. Amen.”

74. Daughter interprets Lord’s Prayer. “Forgive us our trash baskets”:

I overheard my four-year-old praying, “And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”

75. Boy tells God he is having a good time being a boy:

I overheard my little boy saying his night prayers. “Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it. I’m having a real good time like I am.”

76. Boy is in wedding procession to altar and “roars” because he is the “ring bear”:

A young boy was at a relative’s wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went: step, step, roar, step, step, roar, all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, “I was being the ring bear.”

77. The toy train, a Christmas gift to son:

A few days after Christmas, a woman was working in the kitchen, listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop, and her son said, “All of you sons of bitches who want off, get hell off now ’cause this is the last stop. And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train ’cause we’re leaving. The mother was horrified. She went in to the living room and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room for two hours. When you come out, you may play with the train, but I want you to use nice language.” Two hours later, her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped, and the mother heard her son say, “All engers who are disembarking the train, please to take all your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope that you will be riding with us again soon. “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. that there is no smoking except in the club car. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today. “For those of you who are pissed off about the two-hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.”

Poems and Nursery Rhymes

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RT01. The outhouse poem. RT02. Nursery rhymes. RT03. The farewell speech.

1. The outhouse poem:

(Note: If you don’t know what an outhouse is, ask someone old.)

The service station trade was slow, The owner sat around, With sharpened knife and cedar stick, Piled shavings on the ground.

No modern facilities had they, The log across the rill Led to a shack, marked “His and Hers” That sat against the hill.

“Where is the ladies restroom, sir?” The owner leaning back, Said not a word but whittled on, And nodded toward the shack.

With quickened step she entered there,

But only stayed a minute, Until she screamed, just like a snake Or spider might be in it.

With startled look and beet-red face, She bounded through the door, And headed quickly for the car Just like three gals before.

She missed the foot log—jumped the stream. The owner gave a shout, As her silk stockings, down at her knees Caught on a sassafras sprout.

She tripped and fell—got up, and then In obvious disgust, Ran to the car, stepped on the gas, And faded in the dust.

Of course we all desired to know What made the gals all do

The things they did, and then we found The whittling owner knew.

A speaking system he’d devised To make the thing complete, He tied a speaker on the wall Beneath the toilet seat.

He’d wait until the gals got set And then the devilish tike Would stop his whittling long enough, To speak into the mike.

And as she sat, a voice below Struck terror, fright, and fear, “Will you please use the other hole? We’re painting under here!”

2. Nursery rhymes:

Mary had a little pig, She kept it fat and plastered; And when the price of pork went up, She shot the little bastard.

Mary had a little lamb. Her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her, Between two hunks of bread.

Jack and Jill went up the hill To have a little fun. Stupid Jill forgot the pill And now they have a son.

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair. Said Simple Simon to the pie man, “What have you got there?”

Said the pie man unto Simon, “Pies, you dumb ass!”

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the king’s horses, And all the king’s men. Had scrambled eggs, For breakfast again.

Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle, All over the bedside clock. The little dog laughed to see such fun. Then died of electric shock.

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie, Kissed the girls and made them cry. And when the boys came out to play, He kissed them too ’cause he was gay.

There was a little girl who had a little curl

Right in the middle of her forehead. When she was good, she was very, very good. But when she was bad… She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car…

3. The farewell speech:

An educator for a CCC camp (Roosevelt Era) was reg his position, and in the farewell luncheon, he gave his farewell speech in Sault Ste Marie Michigan:

The fleecy clouds may kiss the sky. The butterfly may kiss the fly. The fragrant wine may kiss the glass, and you, my friend, farewell! (Author’s note: I was there, circa 1936, in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, planting trees.)

Political

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AA01. The biblical origin of Left and Right. AA02. The new Democrat. AA03. A Boston newspaper reports unbiased reporting on a dog attack. AA04. Call Arabs with a politically correct term—sheet heads. AA05. The blind snake and the blind bunny. AA06. Five rules to in life. AA07. The Jessie Jackson’s representative and the flock of sheep. AA08. And you thought the debates were over. AA09. A wish to live forever (also filed under “Genie”). AA10. Woman applies for a job in a Florida lemon grove. AA11. Jesse Jackson was in Sears. AA12. Clinton seeks guidance from past presidents. AA13. The four presidents. AA14. Clinton and the ladies’ panties (also filed under “Tasteless”). AA15. When the pope and Clinton died at the same time.

AA16. A brainy ninety-pound Southern Congressman retorts. AA17. Senator is faced with good news and bad news. AA18. A tragedy or a loss? AA19. Female golfer falls in a swing. AA20. God Bless America. AA21. Clinton’s family tree. AA22. Clinton and the frog. AA23. Saxophone as a urinal. AA24. Parachute allocation on a flight. AA25. The pope and Obama are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium. AA26. Osama Bin Laden and the genie AA27. Clintons and Al Gore in a plane crash. AA28. Bush and Clinton in a barbershop. AA29. The lie clock. AA30. What if Barack Obama had a heart attack? AA31. A chauffeur was driving Barack Obama down a countryside road. AA32. The test for entering politics or medical school. AA33. Sweet little old lady whispers a political prayer in church. AA34. Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day. AA35. Dog’s life is like a member of Congress

AA36. The PrezTurns White… AA37. The President is like a Post Turtle.

1. The biblical origin of Left and Right:

I have often wondered why it is that Conservatives are called the “Right” and Liberals are called the “Left.” By chance, I stumbled upon this verse in the Bible:

The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of the fool to the left. —Ecclesiastes 10:2 (NIV)

2. The new Democrat:

I was traveling south of Phoenix the other day when I got a flat tire South of Gila Bend. Checking the spare, I found that it was flat too. My only option was to flag down a ing motorist and get a ride to town. The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the window, “Need a lift?” “Yes, I do,” I replied. “You a Democrat or Republican?” asked the old man. “Republican.” “Go to hell!” he yelled, and the old man sped off. Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked the same question, to which I gave the same answer, “Republican.” The driver gave me the finger and drove off. I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be few Republicans. The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Democrat or Republican. “Democrat!” I shouted. “Hop in!” shouted the blonde. Driving down the road, I couldn’t help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs. Finally, I yelled, “Stop the car! Stop the car!” She slammed on the brakes, and as soon as the car stopped, I jumped out. “What’s the matter?” she asked.

“I can’t take it!” I replied. “I’ve only been a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to screw somebody!”

3. A Boston newspaper reports unbiased reporting on a dog attack:

Two boys in Boston were playing basketball when one of them was attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped a board off a nearby fence, wedged it into the dog’s collar, and twisted it, breaking the dog’s neck. A newspaper reporter from the Boston Herald witnessed the incident and rushed over to interview the boy. The reporter began entering data into his laptop, beginning with the headline: “Brave Young Celtics Fan Saves Friend from Jaws of Vicious Animal.” “But I’m not a Celtics fan,” the little hero interjected. “Sorry,” replied the reporter. “But since we’re in Boston, Massachusetts, I just assumed you were.” Hitting the delete key, the reporter began, “John Kerry Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific Dog Attack.” “But I’m not a Kerry fan either,” the boy responded. The reporter said, “I assumed everybody in this state was either for the Celtics or Kerry or Kennedy. What team or person do you like?” “I’m a Houston Rockets fan, and I really like George W. Bush,” the boy said. Hitting the delete key, the reporter began again, “Arrogant Little Conservative Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet.”

4. Call Arabs with a politically correct term—sheet heads:

We have been informed that the Arabs do not like to be called “towel heads.” The item they wear on their heads is actually a small sheet. Effective immediately, please call them “little sheet heads.” Thank you for your cooperation!

5. The blind snake and the blind bunny:

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. A surprising coincidence was that both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest and the snake was slithering through the forest when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. “Oh, my!” said the bunny. “I’m terribly sorry. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’ve been blind since birth, so I can’t see where I’m going. In fact, since I’m also an orphan, I don’t even know what I am.” “It’s quite OK,” replied the snake. “Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you and figure out what you are, so at least you’ll have that going for you.” “Oh, that would be wonderful,” replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny and said, “Well, you’re covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I’d say that you must be a bunny.” “Oh, thank you! Thank you!” cried the bunny in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, “Maybe I could feel you with my paw and help you the same way you’ve helped me.” So the bunny felt the snake all over and remarked, “Well, you’re scaly and very smooth, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone, and no balls. I’d say you must be either a politician, an attorney, or possibly someone in upper management.”

6. Five rules to in life:

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle. 2. Forgive your enemy, but the bastard’s name. 3. Help someone when they are in trouble, and they will you when they’re in trouble again. 4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them. 5. Trying to debate with Obama voters is like trying to pick up a turd by its clean end.

7. The Jessie Jackson’s representative and the flock of sheep:

A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brandnew Jeep Cherokee appeared out of a dust cloud, advanced toward him, and stopped. The driver, a twenty-year-old young man wearing a Rolex, Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses, and a YSL tie, leaned out of the window and asked our shepherd, “If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?” The shepherd looked at the young guy, thinking, “I wonder if he is one of those Yuppies I heard about.” Then looking at his peacefully grazing flock, he calmly answered, “Sure.” The young man parked his car, whipped out his notebook computer, connected it to a cell phone, surfed to a NASA page on the Internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, then opened up a database and some Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas. He finally printed out a 150page report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer, turned round to our shepherd, and said, “You have here exactly 1,586 sheep!” “Amazing! That’s correct! Like I agreed, you can take one of my sheep,” said the shepherd. He watched the young guy make a selection and bundle it into his Cherokee. When he was finished, the shepherd said, “If I can tell you exactly what your political persuasion is, where you’re from, and who you work for, will you give me my sheep back?” “OK, why not?” answered the young man. “You’re a Democrat from Palm Beach and you’re working for Jesse Jackson,” said the shepherd. “That’s correct,” said the amazed young man. “How did you guess that?” “Easy,” answered the shepherd. “Nobody called you, but you showed up here anyway. You want to be paid for the solution to a question I already knew the answer to. And you don’t know a thing about my business because you just took my dog.”

8. And you thought the debates were over:

The two major party presidential candidates agreed that Americans are seeing too much inappropriate material in popular entertainment. However, they disagreed on the details: The Republican candidate, George W. Bush, stated that there is too much bloody violence in the movies and on television. Vice President Al Gore, his Democratic opponent, stated meanwhile that the media presents Americans with too much sex and frontal nudity. In other words, Bush says there is too much gore, and gore says there is too much bush.

9. A wish to live forever (also filed under “Genie”):

I met a fairy today that said she would grant me one wish. “I want to live forever,” I said. “Sorry,” said the fairy, “I’m not allowed to grant wishes like that!” “Fine,” I said. “Then I want to die after Congress gets their heads out of their asses!” “You crafty bastard,” said the fairy.

10. Woman applies for a job in a Florida lemon grove:

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job, given her liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and her jobs as a social worker and schoolteacher. The foreman frowned and said, “I have to ask you this. Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?” “Well, as a matter of fact, I have!” “I’ve been divorced three times, owned two Chryslers, and voted for Obama.”

11. Jesse Jackson was in Sears:

He was there to protest the fact that most of the washing machines were white. So the clerk called the store manager, who asked, “What’s the problem here, Reverend?” Jesse pointed at the machines and loudly bemoaned the fact that most of them were white. The manager replied, “Well, Reverend, it’s true that most of the washing machines are white, but if you’ll open the lids, you’ll see that all the agitators are black.”

12. Clinton seeks guidance from past presidents:

Clinton, distraught and contemplating his latest scandal, is walking through Washington looking for any kind of guidance. He walks up to the Washington Monument, looks up, and says, “George, you were always wise. What should I do?” Lo and behold, a voice comes down from above and says, “Abolish the IRS and start over.” Clinton, amazed that he is talking to the past president, thinks he’ll try it again. He walks over to the Jefferson Memorial and utters the same request to America’s author of the Declaration of Independence and one of its great early philosophers. “Thomas, you never had these kind of problems. What can I do to rally people behind me?” Again a voice from above answers, “Welfare, it’s not working. Abolish it. Start over.” After hearing this, Clinton is so excited he is planning to go to all the historic sites for guidance. Next he goes to the Lincoln Memorial for guidance from the president who met his untimely death after winning the Civil War and keeping the country unified. “Abe, I need your help. People are losing confidence in me and they no longer trust me. What should I do?” After a substantial pause, Abe responds, “Take the day off. Go to the theater.”

13. The four presidents:

Four of our presidents were on the Titanic: Presidents Ford, Carter, Nixon, and Clinton. The ship had hit an iceberg and was about to sink. Ford came running up and said, “The ship is going to sink, so let’s go and get in a lifeboat.” Then Carter said, “Women and children first.” Then Nixon said, “Screw the women! Let’s get out of here.” Then Clinton said, beaming with a big grin, “Good idea! But do we have time?”

14. Clinton and the ladies’ panties (also filed under “Tasteless”):

Clinton was walking around the white house with a pair of ladies’ panties on his arm. Everyone was looking at him and wondering what he was doing now. After about an hour, one guy got brave enough to ask him what he was doing with the pair of ladies’ panties on his arm, and Clinton replied, “It’s the patch. I’m trying to quit.”

15. When the pope and Clinton died at the same time:

The story goes that the pope and Clinton died at the same time, but there was a weird mix-up. The pope went to hell and Clinton went to heaven. The mistake was soon discovered, and the pope was sent to heaven and Clinton was sent to hell. On the way, they ran in to each other. They stopped to chat, and then Clinton asked the pope what he would like to see in heaven. The pope said that he would like to meet the Virgin Mary. “Too bad,” said Clinton. “You’re too late.”

16. A brainy ninety-pound Southern Congressman retorts:

A brainy ninety-pound Southern Congressman in the Confederacy but with great intelligence was in an argument with another Congressman where angry words were spoken. A large Congressman once said to him in anger, “Why, you pipsqueak, I could eat you without trouble!” And the ninety-pounder replied, “In which case you would end with more brains in your belly than in your head.”

17. Senator is faced with good news and bad news:

A certain senator was sitting in his attorney’s office. His lawyer said, “Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?” “Give me the bad news first,” said the senator. “Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars.” “That’s the bad news?” asked the senator incredulously. “I can’t wait to hear the terrible news.” “The terrible news is that it’s of you and your secretary.”

18. A tragedy or a loss?:

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a “tragedy.” One little boy stands up and offers, “If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy.” “No,” Clinton says, “that would be an accident.” A girl raises her hand. “If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved… that would be a tragedy.” “I’m afraid not,” explains Clinton. “That is what we would call a great loss.” The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer. “What?” asks Clinton. “Isn’t there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?” Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says, “If an airplane carrying Bill Clinton was blown up by a bomb, that would be a tragedy.” “Wonderful!” Clinton beams. “Marvelous! And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?” “Well,” says the boy, “because it definitely wouldn’t be an accident and it certainly would be no great loss!”

19. Female golfer falls in a swing.

A woman was playing golf when she took a big swing and fell. The party waiting behind her was a group from the White House that included Obama. Obama quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet. She thanked him and started to leave, when he said, “I’m President Obama and I hope you’ll vote for me this November.” She laughed and quickly said, “I fell on my ass, not my head!”

20. God Bless America:

Bless America I come for visit, am treated regal, So I stay, who care’s I illegal. I come to America poor and broke, Get on bus, see Manpower bloke. Kind man treat me well in there, Send me down to see Welfare. Welfare says, “Come down no more. We send cash right to your door.” Welfare checks make you wealthy. Medi-Care will keep you healthy. Six months on Welfare, have plenty money. Thanks to working man, the dummy. Write to friends in Motherland, Tell them to come here as fast as can. They come in rags and Chevy trucks. I buy big house on Welfare bucks. They all come, we live together.

Only one bad thing, the weather. Fourteen families have moved in. Neighbors’ patience wearing thin, Finally white man moving away (buy his house too, I say) Find more aliens, house I rent, In the garden I put tent. Send for family, they just trash. They all draw more Welfare cash. Everything is going good. We soon own the neighborhood. We have hobby. It’s called breeding. Baby bonus keeps us feeding. Kids need dentist, wife needs pills We get free, we got no bills. White man good, he pay all year To keep Welfare running here. We think America damn good place Too damn good for white man race. If they no like us, they can go. Plenty of room in Mexico.

21. Clinton’s family tree:

One Sunday morning, Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White House and said, “Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt.” After dinner, the president took Chelsea aside. “Honey, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married a long time. She’s a wonderful wife, but she’s never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Matt is actually your half brother, and I’m afraid you can’t marry him.” Chelsea was heartbroken. After eight months, she eventually started dating again. A year later, she came home and very proudly announced, “Robert asked me to marry him! We’re getting married in June.” Again her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. “Robert is your half brother too, honey. I’m awfully sorry about this.” Chelsea was furious! She finally decided to go to her mother with the news. “Dad has done so much harm. I guess I’m never going to get married,” she complained. “Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half brother.” Hillary just shook her head. “Don’t pay any attention to what he says, dear. He’s not really your father.”

22. Clinton and the frog:

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, “Ribbit 9 Iron.” The man looks around and doesn’t see anyone. Again he hears, “Ribbit 9 Iron.” He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it ten inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, “Wow, that’s amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?” The frog replies, “Ribbit lucky frog.” The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. “What do you think, frog?” the man asks. “Ribbit 3 wood.” The guy takes out a 3 wood and boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn’t know what to say. By the end of the day, the man has golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, “OK, where to next?” The frog replies, “Ribbit Las Vegas.” They go to Las Vegas, and the guy says, “OK, frog, now what?” The frog says, “Ribbit Roulette.” Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, “What do you think I should bet?” The frog replies, “Ribbit $3000, black 6.” Now this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash come sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog

down and says, “Frog, I don’t know how to repay you. You’ve won me all this money and I am forever grateful.” The frog replies, “Ribbit kiss me.” He figures why not; after all that the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous fifteen-year-old girl. “And that, Your Honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton.”

23. Saxophone as a urinal:

Bill and Hillary Clinton host a large bipartisan dinner party in their personal residence quarters at the White House, including a number of current and former of Congress, former Presidents Carter, Ford, and Bush, along with former Vice Presidents Mondale and Quayle. After the introductory speeches during dinner, Vice President Dan Quayle excuses himself to use the bathroom, one adjacent to the First Family’s private living room. After a couple of minutes, he returns to his seat, looking rather smug, but says nothing to his wife at the time. After the dinner, as the Quayle’s return home, Dan turns to Marilyn and says, “Did you know Bill has a solid gold urinal in his bathroom? How can he pretend to be serious about cutting the budget after buying that?” Marilyn’s initial look of shock turns to a sly grin as she turns to her husband and says, “We’ve really caught him with his pants down this time! As soon as we get home, why don’t you call up the paper and give them a little ‘insider’ information, dear?” “That’s an excellent idea, Marilyn!” says Dan to his lovely wife. “You know, sometimes you’re just too smart.” He leans over to hug and give his wife a quick kiss on the cheek. The following morning, after the morning editions of the papers have been delivered to the White House residence, Hillary Clinton opens the newspaper over breakfast only to see a bold headline stating, “CLINTONS SPLURGE ON GOLD URINAL, SAYS QUAYLE.” Shaking her head, Hillary smirks and shouts up to the bedroom, “Bill! I think I know who pissed in your saxophone!”

24. Parachute allocation on a flight:

An airplane was about to crash, and there were five engers left, but only four parachutes. The first enger, Bill Clinton, said, “I am president of the United States, and I have a great responsibility, being the leader of nearly three hundred million people, and a superpower, etc.” So he took a parachute and jumped out of the plane. The second enger said, “I’m Antoine Walker, one of the best NBA basketball players, and the Boston Celtics need me, so I can’t afford to die.” So he took the second parachute and left the plane. The third enger, Hillary Clinton, said, “I am President of the United States’ wife, a soon to be New York Senator, and I am the smartest woman in the world.” So she took a parachute and exited the plane. The fourth enger, Pope John Paul the Second, said to the fifth enger, a ten-year-old Boy Scout, “I am old and frail and I don’t have many years left, so as a Christian gesture and good deed, I will sacrifice my life and let you take the last parachute.” The Boy Scout said, “It’s OK. There’s a parachute left for you. The world’s smartest woman took my backpack.”

25. The pope and Obama were on the same stage in Yankee Stadium:

The pope and Obama were on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd. The pope leaned toward Mr. Obama and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts, and they’ll forever speak of this day and rejoice!” Obama replied, “I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand… Show me!” So the pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage! And the crowd roared and cheered wildly, and there was happiness throughout the land!

26. Osama Bin Laden’and the genie:

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on a beach and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, “Master, may I grant you one wish?” “You ignorant unworthy daughter of a dog! Don’t you know who I am? I don’t need any common woman giving me anything,” barked Bin Laden. The shocked Genie said, “Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be banished to that bottle forever.” Obama thought for a moment. Then he grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, “Very well. I want to awaken with three white women in my bed next morning, so just do it and be off with you.” The annoyed genie said, “So be it!” and disappeared. The next morning, Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his knee was broken, and he had no health insurance.

27. Clintons and Al Gore in a plane crash:

Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore are in an airplane that crashes. They’re up in heaven, and God’s sitting on the great white throne. God addressed Al first, “Al, what do you believe in?” Al replies, “Well, I believe I won that election but that it was your will that I did not serve. And I’ve come to understand that now.” God thinks for a second and says, “OK, very good. Come and sit at my left.” Bill replies, “I believe in forgiveness. I’ve sinned, but I’ve never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me.” Got thinks for a second and says, “You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right.” God then addresses Hillary, “Hillary, what do you believe in?” “I believe you’re in my chair.”

28. Bush and Clinton in a barbershop:

G. W. Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Clinton in his chair reached for the aftershave. Clinton was quick to stop him, saying, “No, thanks. My wife, Hillary will smell that and think I’ve been in a whorehouse.” The second barber turned to Bush and said, “How about you, sir?” Bush replied, “Go ahead. My wife doesn’t know what the inside of whorehouse smells like.”

29. The lie clock:

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, “What are all those clocks?” St. Peter answered, “Those are lie clocks. Everyone on earth has a lie clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.” “Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?” “That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.” “Incredible,” said the man. “And whose clock is that one?” St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.” “Where’s President Obama’s clock?” asked the man. “Obama’s clock is in Jesus’s office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”

30. What if Barack Obama had a heart attack?:

One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. “I don’t know what to do here,” says the devil. “You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got a couple of folks here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I’ll even let you decide who leaves.” Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in and surfacing, empty-handed. Over and over and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell. “No,” Obama said. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer, and I don’t think I could do that all day long.” The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. Obama sized up the scene and said, “No, this is no good. I’ve got this problem with my shoulder.” The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head and his legs restrained in a spread-eagled pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief and finally said, “Yeah, man, I can handle this.” The devil smiled and said, “OK, Monica, you’re free to go.”

31. A chauffeur was driving Barack Obama down a countryside road:

Barack Obama was touring the countryside in his chauffeur-driven limo… Suddenly, a donkey jumps out onto the road. They hit it full-on, and the car comes to a stop. Obama says to the chauffeur, “You get out and check. You were driving. The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead. “You were driving. Go and tell the farmer,” says Obama. Hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered and hair ruffled with a big grin on his face. “What happened to you?” asks Obama. The chauffeur replies, “When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of whiskey, the wife gave me a slap-up meal, and the daughter made love to me.” “What on earth did you say to them?” asks Obama. “I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them, ‘I’m Barack Obama’s chauffeur, and I’ve just killed the jackass.’”

32. The test for politics or medical school:

A young man applied to go to medical school, but he didn’t the entrance exam. One of the questions was “Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of human body that is more useful when erect.” Those who spelled S P I N E became doctors… the rest ended up in Congress and the White House.

33. Sweet little old lady whispers a political prayer in church:

In church, while reverently preparing for the service, a sweet little old lady, sitting next to me in the pew, quietly whispered a prayer. It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to tell others about her. She said, “Dear Lord, this has been a tough two or three years. You have taken my favorite actor Patrick Swayze, my favorite musician Michael Jackson, my favorite salesman Billy Mays, my favorite actress Elizabeth Taylor, my favorite singer Whitney Houston, and, now, my favorite announcer Dick Clark. I just wanted you to know, Lord, that my favorite politician is Barack Obama. Amen.”

34. Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day:

Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day. As they walk, they come across a sign “Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world.” “I am entering,” said Snow White. After half an hour, she comes out, and they ask her, “Well, how’d ya do?” “First place,” said Snow White. They continue walking and they see a sign “Contest for the strongest man in the world.” “I’m entering,” says Superman. After half an hour, he returns, and they ask him, “How did you make out?” “First place,” answers Superman. “Did you ever doubt?” They continue walking when they see a sign “Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?” Pinocchio says, “This is mine.” Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes. “What happened?” they asked. As he wipes his eyes, Pinocchio replies, “Who the hell is Obama?”

35. Dog’s life is like a member of Congress

He visits the vet once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this he pays nothing and nothing is required of him. He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs and he is not required to do any upkeep. If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives these accommodations absolutely free. He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day. I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick. OMG! I think my dog is a member of Congress.

36. The PrezTurns White…

Barack Obama got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and noticed that he was white from the neck to the top of his head. In a sheer panic and fearing he was turning white all over, he called his doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately. After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Barack, and told him to drink it all. Barack drank the concoction and said, “That tasted like bullshit!” “It was.” the doctor replied, “You were a quart low.”

37. The President is like a Post Turtle.

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his role as our president. The old rancher said, ‘Well, ya know, Obama is a ‘Post Turtle’’. Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a ‘post turtle’ was. The old rancher said, “When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a post turtle.” The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor’s face so he continued to explain. “You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there, he doesn’t know what to do while he’s up there, he’s elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of fool put him up there to begin with.”

Puns

(Ctrl + click to follow link. Alt + left arrow to return)

PG01. When you wish to pawn a star, it makes no difference who you are. PG02. For whom the Tells bowled. PG03. You’ll just have to be a little patient (also filed under “Medical”). PG04. Charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises. PG05. He who has a Tates is lost! PG06. Someone stole all the toilets and urinals (nothing to go on). PG07. The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on. PG08. “I must have taken Leif off my census.” PG09. Squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. PG10. With fronds like these, who needs enemas? PG11. Carpool tunnel syndrome (commuting to work). PG12. Moron Tapanapple choir. PG13. No Bell Peace Prize for rooster (also filed under “Animals”).

PG14. Anti-climb-Max. PG15. That’s nacho cheese! PG16. Gynecologist drink—Pabst Smir drink. PG17. Lady violinist, Pat, and Mike joke. PG18. He needed Monet to make the Van Gogh. PG19. Molasses. PG20. Obscene clone fall. PG21. Penguins’ life ritual. PG22. A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard, and hears music. PG23. Boy born without torso. PG24. Positive electron. PG25. Painting the church. PG26. Two Catholic boys who might become the pope. PG27. Battery saleswoman on the beach (also filed under “Shaggy Dog”). PG28. Only Hugh can prevent florist friars. PG29. A of doctors deciding on something (also filed under “Medical”). PG30. Two “Baskin” Robins (also filed under “Shaggy Dog”). PG31. Man from Texas who dyed lambs. PG32. Van Gogh’s relatives. PG33. Joe stepped in a puddle. PG34. Sinko de Mayo.

PG35. Vampires in Italy drink Italian blood. PG36. “I must have taken Lief off my census.” PG37. He needed Monet to make the Van Gogh: PG38. A Christmas story worth reading (also filed under “Husband and Wife”). PG39. The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman (also filed under “Animals”). PG40. Cheeses of Nazareth. PG41. You’ll just have to be a little patient (also filed under “Medical”). PG42. North Carolina (also filed under “Puns”). PG43. Husband takes out large life insurance policy on wife and murders her. PG44. Mexican detectives investigate Juan’s murder. PG45. Driver ran out fuel and bees offered to help.

1. When you wish to pawn a star, it makes no difference who you are.

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, “I’ll give you 100,000 dinars for it.” The king protested, “But I paid a million dinars for it. Don’t you know who I am? I am the king!” Croesus replied, “When you wish to pawn a star, it makes no difference who you are.”

2. For whom the Tells bowled:

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire, and we’ll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

3. You’ll just have to be a little patient (also filed under “Religious”):

A man rushed into a busy doctor’s office and shouted, “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!” The doctor calmly responded, “Now, now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”

4. Charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises:

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. He was immediately arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

5. He who has a Tates is lost!:

Back in the 1800s, the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce comes. The new comes were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression “He who has a Tates is lost!”

6. Someone stole all the toilets and urinals (nothing to go on):

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, “We have absolutely nothing to go on.”

7. The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on:

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, “The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on.”

8. “I must have taken Leif off my census”:

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town . His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely, saying, “I must have taken Leif off my census.”

9. The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides:

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

10. With fronds like these, who needs enemas?

A skeptical anthropologist was catag South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, “Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?”

11. Carpool tunnel syndrome (commuting to work):

A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges, and traffic jams. Thinking it would make the trip more bearable, he invited several coworkers to share the ride. However, the commute actually got more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor. “Doc,” the frustrated commuter complained, “I’m fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week. But now when I get in the tunnels with those four other guys crowded into the car, I get anxious and dizzy, and I feel like I’m going to explode.” Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had diagnosed the ailment. “What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?” “No, no, no, my boy. You have something that is becoming more and more common.” “Tell me! What is it?” “You have what is known as carpool tunnel syndrome.”

12. Moron Tapanapple choir:

It was visitor’s day at the lunatic asylum. All the patients were standing in the courtyard and singing “Ave Maria.” They were singing it beautifully. But oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil. A visitor listened in wonder to the performance and then approached the conductor. “I am a retired choir director,” he said. “This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard.” “Yes, I’m very proud of them,” said the conductor. “You should take them on tour,” said the visitor. “What are they called?” “Surely that’s obvious,” replied the conductor…”They’re the Mormon Tapanapple Choir.”

13. No Bell Peace Prize for rooster (also filed under “Animals”):

Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. Zeb kept records, and any rooster that didn’t perform well went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Zeb’s time. So Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so that Zeb could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. Zeb’s favorite rooster was old Brewster; a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning, Zeb noticed that Brewster’s bell had not rung at all! Zeb went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing! The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Zeb’s amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one. Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation. The judges not only awarded him the No Bell Peace Prize, but also the Pullet Surprise.

14. Anti-climb-Max:

Max looked up at the steep, icy mountainside. “I can’t do it,” he said. His companions begged him to climb the mountain with them, but he refused to move. “I’m against mountain climbing,” he finally itted to his friends. So now they call him “Anti-climb-Max.”

15. That’s nacho cheese!:

A Mexican family crosses over the border to the land of milk and honey, where the streets are paved with gold. But the husband can’t find any work. His family is going hungry, so he takes a walk to a quiet place at the foot of a big hill, kneels at the base of a tree, and begins to pray. “Sweet Jesus, please show me a way to feed my family.” Eyes closed, the Mexican does not see the black man coming over the top of the hill and stumbling wildly with a broken grocery sack. When the Mexican man opens his eyes, a large wheel of cheddar cheese rolls down the hill and lands at his feet! “Oh, thank you, Jesus, thank you!” he cries, grabs the cheese, and runs straight home, while the black man yells at him. Upon returning home, he gives the cheese to his wife and instructs her to make some nachos. “But wouldn’t you rather have cheese enchiladas and burritos and other things?” she inquires. “No,” the husband says. “Jesus sent this to me with a message. As I ran home, I kept hearing him yelling, ‘That’s nacho cheese!’”

16. Gynecologist drink—Pabst Smir drink:

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, “Bartender, got any specials today?” The bartender says, “Yes, as a matter of fact we have a new drink invented by a gynecologist patron of ours. It’s a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon and Smirnoff Vodka.” The guy asks, “Geez, what the heck is that?” The bartender says, “We call it the Pabst Smir.”

17. Lady violinist, Pat, and Mike joke:

It was chest an oversight on her part. Pat: “Did you see the lady violinist whose bodice came unlaced?” Mike: “You mean the one whose bolero was unraveled?” Pat: “Yes, and the view was unrivaled. She went from Ravel to reveal!”

18. Brooms in closet got married:

Two brooms were hanging in the closet, and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely. After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride broom leaned over and said to the groom broom, “I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!” “Impossible!” said the groom broom. “We haven’t even swept together!”

19. Molasses:

A papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole all live together in a little mole hole. One day, papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air, and says, “Yum! I smell maple syrup!” The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air, and says, “Oh, yum! I smell honey!” Now baby mole is trying to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can’t because the bigger moles are in the way. This makes him whine, “Geez, all I can smell is molasses!”

20. Obscene clone fall:

Once there was a mad scientist who worked by himself in his laboratory. He was so lonely that one day he decided to clone himself. Everything worked perfectly except that the clone had a very foul mouth. The scientist worked with the clone, but alas, he could not make the clone clean up his language. He got so tired of the clone’s language that one day he pushed him off the end of a cliff. A policeman rushed up to him and yelled, “You are under arrest! You are under arrest!” “What for?” the mad scientist asked. “Murder? Or would it be suicide?” And the policeman’s answer was “Neither. It’s for making an obscene clone fall.”

21. Penguins’ life ritual:

There is a lot we can learn from the penguins. Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Where do they go? It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of comionate with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: “Freeze a jolly good fellow!”

22. A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard, and hears music:

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard, and all of a sudden he hears music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads “Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827.” Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony, and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the ninth, then the seventh, then the fifth. By the next day, the word has spread, and a crowd has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard’s caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music. “I would have thought it was obvious,” the caretaker says. “It’s obvious he’s decomposing.”

23. Boy born without torso:

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can with love and comion. After twenty-one years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him, and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent, then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, “Take another drink!” The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. The boy takes another drink. Swoooop! Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, “Take another drink!” The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink, and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left… then to the right… through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, “That boy should have quit while he was a head.”

24. Positive electron:

Two atoms are drinking at the bar. Suddenly one says to the other, “I’ve just lost one of my electrons!” “Are you sure?” asks the other. “Yes,” replied the first atom. “I’m positive.”

25. Painting the church:

There was a little old Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for a long time. Eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings. Smokey put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job. So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks and buying the paint and yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine. Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint. Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried, “Oh, God, oh, God, forgive me. What should I do?” And from the sky, a thunderous and a mighty voice spoke, “Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!”

26. Two Catholic boys who might become the pope:

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year, Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully, they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college and upon graduation became priests. Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop, and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the next pope. In time the pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney, and the world waited to see whom they had chosen. The world—Catholic, Protestant, and secular—was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected pope! Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy’s gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified. With gall that shocked the cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, “Why Timothy?” After a long silence, an old cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. “We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola.

27. Battery saleswoman on the beach (also filed under “Shaggy Dog”):

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk on the beach a lot. One summer, they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively, and she would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure, they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks, the wife said, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?” No, he hadn’t—and said so. Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.” Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. “Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly. “No, she’s not,” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. “Well, what is it then? What does she do?” his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said, “She’s a battery salesperson.” “Batteries?” cried the wife. “Yes,” he replied.

Her husband continued, “Her name is Sally.” His wife, yelling now, said, “What is all about?” He calmly said, “She just sells C cells by the seashore.”

28. Only Hugh can prevent florist friars:

A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

29. A of doctors deciding on something (also filed under “Medical”):

When a of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital, the allergists voted to scratch it and the dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the istration had a lot of nerve, and the obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception. The ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted, and the pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!” while the pediatricians said, “Oh, grow up!” The psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the radiologists could see right through it, and the surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the plastic surgeons said, “This puts a whole new face on the matter.” The podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the urologists felt the scheme wouldn’t hold water. The anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas and the cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no. In the end, the proctologists left the decision up to some asshole in istration. Go figure!

30. Two “Baskin” Robins (also filed under “Shaggy Dog”):

“I’m really hungry,” said the first Robin. “Let’s fly down and find some lunch.” They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more. “I’m so full, I don’t think I can fly back up into the tree,” said the first one. “Let’s just lie back here and bask in the warm sun,” said the second robin. “OK,” said the first. So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep when a big fat tomcat came up and gobbled them up. As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought “I just love baskin’ robins.”

31. Man from Texas who dyed lambs:

There was a sheep rancher in Texas who indeed was very proud of his sheep and all of his precious lambs. People knew him as Ol’ Tex. He was not very old. As a matter of fact, he was only in his fifties or so, but he was best known for his painting. No, he did not paint murals or anything like that. He painted or really he dyed his lambs. Every day you could see lots of people driving by his ranch to see the colorful lambs mixed with the sheep. He was gaining quite a bit of notoriety about his dyed lambs. The government didn’t like it. Regulations, you know. But as long as they didn’t try to stop him he kept dyeing lambs. To satisfy the government, he used nontoxic dyes. All that fuss by the government gave him a lot of notoriety. People came from all over the region to see his colorful flock of lambs. Word spread all over Texas in no time at all. Actually he became the best “lamb dyer’ in all of Texas.

32. Van Gogh’s relatives:

Please Gogh His obnoxious brother. Verti Gogh His dizzy aunt. Gotta Gogh The brother who ate prunes. Stop N. Gogh The brother who worked at a convenience store. U Hogh The grandmother from Yugoslavia. Hue Gogh The brother who bleached his hair white. Chica Gogh The cousin from Illinois. Wherediddy Gogh His magician uncle. Amie Gogh His Latino cousin. Wellfar Gogh His nephew who drove a stage. Can’t Gogh His constipated uncle. Tan Gogh The ballroom dancing aunt. Flaming Gogh The bird lover uncle. E Gogh His nephew psychoanalyst. Man Gogh The fruit-loving cousin from Hawaii. Wayto Goh An aunt who taught positive thinking. Po Gogh The little nephew. Ahgo Gogh A sister who loved disco.

Winnie B. Gogh His niece who traveled the country in a RV.

33. Joe stepped in a puddle:

Joe came into the house, dripping wet and looking incredibly bedraggled. Outside the window, the pelting rain was all too visible. His wife said, “What are you doing out there? It’s raining cats and dogs out there.” He replied, “Yeah, tell me about it. I just stepped in a poodle.”

34. Sinko de Mayo:

There are many stories related to the sinking of the Titanic. Some have just come to light due to the success of the recent movie. For example, most people don’t know that back in 1912 Hellman’s Mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The Titanic was carrying twelve thousand jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss, so much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today. It is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

35. Vampires in Italy drink Italian blood and… :

There are these two vampires talking. One says to the other, “I heard on TV that wine is good for the health.” The other one says, “Well, let’s go to Italy. The Italians drink wine.” So they go to Italy, stand on the bridge, and wait. A woman walks by. The vampires kill her, drink her blood, and throw the body over the bridge. A few minutes later, a man walks by. They kill him, drink his blood, and throw his body over the bridge. Then another man comes along, and they kill him too. Just as they are about to throw the body over the bridge, they hear a voice singing. The two vampires look down to see an alligator under the bridge singing, “Drained wops keep falling on my head.”

36. “I must have taken Lief off my census”:

Some time after he returned from a lengthy voyage, a brave Viking seaman was amazed to find that his name was missing from the town . His wife went to see the keeper of these matters, saying that an eminent explorer such as her husband, Lief, should certainly have a place of honor on the town rolls and, indeed, in the annals and chronicles. The civic official agreed with her and apologized profusely. All he could offer by way of explanation was “I don’t know how it happened, and I’ll fix it right away—but, yeah, sure, I must have taken Leif off my census.”

37. He needed Monet to make the Van Gogh:

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, “Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the painting. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.” ‘You must have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else.” “Well, I figured I had nothing Toulouse.”

38. A Christmas story worth reading (also filed under “Husband and Wife”):

One day, a husband decides to go to a pet store and get his wife a bird for Christmas. He knows she loves animals, birds in particular, and decides this would be the perfect gift for her. He goes to the pet store and asks the manager if he has anything special in the way of birds. The manager tells him that in fact he does; it’s a bird named “Chet” who sings. The guy is very interested and asks to see Chet. The manager brings him over to the beautiful bird and tells the husband that this is Chet. The husband asks what is so special about him, and the manager tells him that Chet can sing and that he’ll show him. The manager then takes a cigarette lighter out of his pocket and lights it a few inches underneath Chet’s right foot. Chet begins to sing, “Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way.” The husband says that it was great. “Does Chet sing anything else?” So the manager then lights his lighter under Chet’s left foot, and Chet begins to sing, “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know…” The husband is very impressed, sure that his wife will absolutely love this bird, so he buys Chet. He brings the bird home and presents it to his wife as a Christmas gift. She is very happy and says the bird is beautiful. The husband tells her that the bird can sing, and he takes his lighter and lights it beneath Chet’s right foot, and Chet begins to sing, “Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way…” The wife is thrilled and asks if he can do anything else. The husband then lights the lighter under Chet’s left foot, and Chet begins to sing, “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know…” The wife is overwhelmed and asks, “What would happen if you put the lighter under both of his feet at the same time?” The husband says that he doesn’t know, but they could try it.

So the husband puts the lighter under both of the bird’s feet, and the bird begins to sing, “Chet’s nuts roasting on an open fire…”

39. The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman (also filed under “Animals”):

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman, and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar having a drink when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, “Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.” So the Doberman says, “I love liver and cheese.” The Collie says, “That’s not good enough.” The Bulldog says, “I hate liver and cheese.” She says, “That’s not creative.” Finally, the Chihuahua says, “Liver alone… cheese mine.”

40. Cheeses of Nazareth:

I knew a good friend who owned a small store where they sold all kinds of dairy products. His store specialized in selling various cheeses, and you know fully well that there must be thousands of different cheeses all over the world. His store was very successful. But one day when I went to buy my weekly ration of fresh mozzarella cheese, he shocked me by revealing that he is selling his store. “No!” I said incredulously. “Your store has been such a blessing to all of us who like cheeses. “I know, I know, but my wife and I would like to move back to Israel.” “But you have to make a living, even in Israel, don’t you?” I countered. “Oh sure, I understand that. It is not as if we are retiring. We are selling out here and then opening another store in Israel.” he said. I was curious, so I asked, “I suppose you’ll start another store like this one?” “Yes, of course.” “I am glad for you. What kind of store are you going to have?” I asked. “Well, you know that dairy products have been my specialty for years. We are going to sell mostly cheeses since people of Israel love cheese.” I was curious. So I asked further, “Got a name for your store?” He replied, “Sure. We are going to call it, ‘Cheeses of Nazareth.’”

41. You’ll just have to be a little patient (also filed under “Medical”):

A man rushed into a busy doctor’s office and shouted, “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!” The doctor calmly responded, “Now, now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”

42. North Carolina (also filed under “Puns”):

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A erby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, “I got a flat tahr.” The erby asked, “But what’s with the flowers?” The man responded, “When you break down, they tell you to put ‘flares’ in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.”

43. Husband takes out large life insurance policy on wife and murders her.

Being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed. A ‘friend of a friend’ put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of ‘Artie.’ Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $10,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn’t have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife’s insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed. A few days later, Artie followed the man’s wife to the local Wal-Mart supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol’ Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop’s security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested. The next day in the headline in the newspaper declared… ‘ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 at Wal-Mart.

44. Mexican detectives investigate Juan’s murder.

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. “How was he killed?” asked one detective. “With a golf gun,” the other detective replied. “A golf gun! What is a golf gun?” “I don’t know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.”

45. Driver ran out fuel and bees offered to help.

A man was driving down the road and ran out of fuel. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window. The bee said, “What seems to be the problem?” “I’m out of fuel,” the man replied. The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his fuel tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. “Try it now,” said one bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. “Wow!” the man exclaimed, “what did you put in my gas tank?” The bee answered, “BP.”

Quips by Famous People

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Short quips by well known people

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. —Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. —Mark Twain

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. —Victor Borge

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. —Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. —Rodney Dangerfield

Money can’t buy you happiness… . But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. —Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was ‘SHUT UP’. —Joe Namath

I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap. —Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. —W. C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

—Will Rogers

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. —Winston Churchill

Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. —Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. —Billy Crystal

Redneck, Rural, Hillbilly

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U01. Redneck Bubba died in a fire. U02. Redneck love poem. U03. Hillbilly love poem. U04. Two rednecks of Appalachia talk about class in logic. U05. Rednecks buy girls from Sears catalog. U06. Rural multiple baby deliveries in Kentucky. U07. A Texan brags about his twenty-three-pound baby boy U08. Solving a redneck murder

1. Redneck Bubba died in a fire:

Redneck Bubba died in a fire and was burned pretty bad, and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, were sent for. Daryl went in, and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said, “Yup, he’s burned pretty bad. Roll ’em over.” So the mortician rolled him over, and Daryl looked and said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.” The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, “Yup, he’s burned real bad. Roll ’em over. The mortician rolled him over, and Gomer looked down and said, “No, ’tain’t Bubba.” The mortician, whose curiosity had gotten the better of him, asked, “How can you tell?” Gomer said, “Well, Bubba had two assholes.” “What?” exclaimed the mortician. “He had two assholes?” “Yup. Ever’one in town knew he had two assholes. Ever’ time we went to town, folks would all say, ‘Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.’”

2. Redneck love poem:

Suzy Lee fell in love. She planned to marry Joe. She was so happy ’bout it all, she told her pappy so. Pappy told her,” Suzie Gal, you’ll have to find another. I’d just as soon yo’ maw don’t know, but Joe is yo’ half brother.” So Suzie forgot about her Joe and planned to marry Will. But after telling Pappy this, he said, “There’s trouble still. You can’t marry Will, my gal, and please don’t tell yo’ mother, ’cause Will and Joe and several mo’ I know is yo half brother.” But Mama knew and said, “My child, Just do what makes yo’ happy.

Marry Will or marry Joe, You ain’t no kin to Pappy.”

3. Hillbilly love poem:

Collards is green, my dog’s name is Blue, and I’m so lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like corn silk a-flapping in the breeze. Softer than Blue’s and without all them fleas. You move like the bass, which excite me in May. You ain’t got no scales, but I luv you anyway. Yore as satisfy’n as okry jist a-fry’n in the pan. Yore as fragrant as snuff right out of the can. You have some a yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high when we’re in a crowd. On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms, well, I’m in hawg heaven and awed by yore charms. Still them fellers at work, they all want to know, what I did to deserve such a purdy young doe. Like a good roll of duct tape yore there fer yore man, to patch up life’s troubles and fix what you can. Yore as cute as a junebug a-buzzin’ overhead. You ain’t mean like those fat ants I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt, you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt. When you hold me real tight like a padded gun rack, my life is complete; ain’t nuttin’ I lack. Yore complexion, it’s perfection, like the best vinyl sidin’. Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin’. Me ’n you’s like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank, we go together like a skunk goes with stank. Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine’s Day; They git it at Wal-Mart, it’s romantic that way. Some men git roses on that special day from the cooler at Kroger. “That’s impressive,” I say. Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth. “Diamonds are forever,” they explain, suave and couth. But for this man, honey, these won’t do. ’Cause yore too special, you sweet thang you. I got you a gift, without taste nor odor, more useful than diamonds… It’s a new troll’n motor!

4. Two rednecks of Appalachia talk about class in logic:

Two rednecks (Appalachian Americans), Bubba and Joe Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Bubba turns to Joe Bob and says, “You know, I’m tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I’ll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.” Joe Bob thinks it’s a good idea and the two leave. The next day, Bubba goes down to the college and meets Dean of issions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and logic. “Logic?” Bubba says. “What’s that?” The dean says, “I’ll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?” “Yeah.” “Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.” “That’s true. I do have a yard.” “I’m not done,” the dean says. “Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.” “Yes, I do have a house.” “And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.” “Yes, I have a family.” “I’m not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.” “I am a heterosexual. That’s amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.”

Excited to take the class now, Bubba shakes the Dean’s hand and leaves to go meet Joe Bob at the bar. He tells Joe Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and logic. “Logic?” Joe Bob says. “What’s that?” Bubba says, “I’ll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?” “No.” “Then you’re a queer.”

5. Rednecks buy girls from Sears catalog:

Two rednecks were looking at a Sears catalog and iring the models in their underwear. One says to the other, “Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?” The second one replies, “Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!” The first one says, with wide eyes, “Wow, they aren’t very expensive. At this price, the sale can’t last long. I’m buying one right away.” The second one smiles and pats him on the back, “Good idea! Order one, and if she’s as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.” Three weeks later, the younger redneck asks his friend, “Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?” The second redneck replies, “No, but it shouldn’t be long now. I got her underwear yesterday.”

5. Rogue fire truck saves company and wins 200,000 dollars:

One night, in a sleepy town a huge chemical plant exploded into flames. The alarm went off, and fire departments from miles around raced to the scene. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief. “All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!” At that, the firemen attacked with a renewed gusto. Two hours later, they still had not gained any ground. At that, the company president offered $100,000 to the engine company that brought out the company’s secret files. In the distance, the wail of yet another siren was heard, and soon another fire truck came into sight. The fire chief shook his head, aware it was that little rinky-dink volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over sixty-five. Much to his amazement, though, the fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove right into the middle of the inferno. He could see the old-timers hopping off their rig, fighting the fire with an effort that he had never before witnessed. Less than an hour later, the fire was out, and the secret formulas were saved by this group of volunteers! The chemical company president was so ecstatic he doubled the reward to $200,000! After thanking the volunteers, the chemical company president couldn’t help but ask what they planned to do with the reward money. The engineer (driver) looked him tight in the eye, ready with his answer. “First thing we’ll do is fix the stupid brakes on that truck!”

6. Rural multiple baby deliveries in Kentucky:

In the backwoods of Kentucky, the redneck’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, “Here, you hold this high so I can see what I’m doing.” Soon a baby boy was brought into the world. “Whoa there,” said the doctor. “Don’t be in a rush to put the lantern down… I think there’s yet another one to come.” Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. “No, no, don’t be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern. It seems there’s yet another one in there!” cried the doctor. The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor, “Do you think it’s the light that’s attractin’ ’em?”

7. A Texan brags about his twenty-three-pound baby boy:

A Texan barges into a bar in Colorado and joyfully announces that his wife had a bouncing baby boy. “Drinks for everybody!” he said. And he added, “This boy weighed in at twenty-three pounds at birth! Everyone gasped, and one woman practically fainted. All others had a good time celebrating. However, a week or so later he came back to the same bar and everybody was asking how much the baby boy weighed now. He took a big swill of his beer and said, “Twelve pounds.” “What happened?” the patrons asked. “We had him circumcised,” he proudly said.

8. Solving a redneck murder.

Two reasons why It’s so hard to solve a redneck murder: 1. The DNA all matches. 2. There are no dental records.

Religious Jokes

(Ctrl + click to follow link. Alt + left arrow to return)

R01. Priest in jungle teaching natives English and finds a couple copulating. R02. “What does Bible mean?” asks son. R03. Gracious lady mailing Bible and the Ten Commandments. R04. A minister parks in a no-parking zone. R05. Pastor has good news and bad news from pulpit. R06. Amish community and following his horse-drawn wagon and pollution. R07. What kids know about God. R08. Gas station attendant and pastor. Everyone waiting till the last minute. R09. Dressing for the wedding night or to see IRS (also filed under “Lawyers and Legal”) R10. Kid tells Mom what the lesson in church was. R11. Pastor asking for more money. R12. A priest at the preschool. R13. Two kinds of people in the morning. R14. An elderly Italian goes to confession.

R15. Little girl on an airplane talks to an atheist. R16. Heart attack victim in Catholic hospital. R17. Marketing 101 (Jew and Catholic team up to beg.) R18. The haircut: R19. A preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that could pay him more. R20. A little boy got on the bus and noticed a man had his collar on backward. R21. A priest, Baptist preacher, and a Rabbi try to convert a bear. R22. Suddenly an eighteen-wheeler came speeding through the intersection. R23. Pope’s trip from the airport. R24. Candles in Rome (also filed in “Irish”) R25. Man praises pastor for sermon with profanity. R26. Little girl running to Sunday school falls. R27. Church ladies’ dinner. R28. The Episcopal white-lie cake (also filed in “Stories”). R29. Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal (also filed under “Irish”). R30. Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary (also filed under “Irish”). R31. Irish priest is driving in New York and is stopped for speeding (also filed under “Irish”). R32. Golf or sex life (also filed under “Sports”). R33. Irish Alzheimer’s (also filed under “Irish”).

R34. Paddy needs a parking place (also filed under “Paddy”). R35. Pedestrian (Presbyterian) traffic crossing (also filed under “Paddy”). R36. Priest talks about a first confession of a late arriving politician. R37. An Arab enters a taxicab in Dallas, Texas. R38. Pastor’s false teeth. R39. Bubba does Lent. R40. The polite way to call someone a bastard: R41. The pastor, an avid golfer, was taking part in a local tournament. R42. Nun on the run (also filed in “Medical”). R43. Baptizing an Irishman (also filed under “Ethnic”). R44. Two nuns were shopping at a 7-Eleven store. R45. It’s a sin to tell a lie. R46. Husband and wife verbal communication problem. R47. Psalm 129. R48. Catholic dog (also filed under “Irish”). R49. An almost adulterous situation. R50. Lemon squeeze. R51. A ninety-two-year-old Jew goes to confession. R52. Commonality between a priest and pint. R53. Two nuns eating hot dogs in America. R54. Engineer in hell.

R55. The preacher victim of a rumor that he belonged to the KKK. R56. Satan entered the church. R57. A wealthy man put a nickel in the collection box. R58. The new priest was so nervous at his first Mass. R59. Sexual entrapment (also filed under “Sexy”). R60. God created the mule, then the dog, then the monkey, then the cat. R61. Difference between a priest and a pint. R62. Girl makes out in showbiz, goes home and to confession. R63. Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery a block away from Jack’s liquor store. R64. The elderly priest onishes a younger priest. R65. A woodcutter’s axe fell into the river. R66. An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. R67. Three couples went in to see the minister—how to become of his church. R68. A pastor on his deathbed between two thieves. R69. The “blind” man. R70. What gets to heaven first? (Also filed under “Sexy”). R71. The missionary’s life in deep Africa. R72. Two New Zealand nuns. R73. Three Italian nuns. R74. Bad day requirement to go to heaven.

R75. A car full of nuns. R76. Hell for windows or the gates of hell. R77. The taxi driver and the minister at the Pearly Gates. R78. The minister and his congregation. R79. My daily prayer. R80. A real vacation. R81. A little girl get sick in church. R82. The new priest in the confessional. R83. A wholesome and good construction site Catholic joke: R84. A pastor in a neighborhood pub. R85. Let us gather at the river. R86. Dolly Parton and the queen are at the Pearly Gate.

1. Priest in jungle teaching natives English and finds a couple copulating:

A priest is about to finish his tour of duty and is leaving his mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English. So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, “This is a tree.” The chief looks at the tree and grunts, “Tree.” The priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further, and he points to a rock and says, “This is a rock.” Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, “Rock.” The priest is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The priest is really flustered and quickly responds, “Man riding a bike.” The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun, and kills them both. The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way? The chief replied, “My bike.”

2. “What does Bible mean?” asks son:

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, “I know what the Bible means!” His father smiled and replied, “What do you mean you ‘know’ what the Bible means?” The son replied, “I do know!” “OK,” said his father. “What does the Bible mean?” “That’s easy, Daddy,” the young boy replied excitedly. “It stands for ‘basic information before leaving earth.’”

3. Gracious lady mailing Bible and the Ten Commandments:

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. “Is there anything breakable in here?” asked the postal clerk. “Only the Ten Commandments,” answered the lady.

4. A minister parks in a no-parking zone:

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: “I have circled the block ten times. If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment. Forgive us our treses.” When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note: “I’ve circled this block for ten years. If I don’t give you a ticket, I’ll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.”

5. Pastor has good news and bad news from pulpit:

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation, “I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it’s still out there in your pockets.”

6. Amish community and following his horse-drawn wagon and pollution:

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor because attached to the back of the carriage was a handprinted sign: “Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.”

7. What kids know about God:

A Sunday schoolteacher began her lesson with a question. “Boys and girls, what do we know about God?” A hand shot up in the air. “He is an artist!” said the kindergarten boy. “Really? How do you know?” the teacher asked. “You know—our Father, who does art in heaven…”

8. Gas station attendant and pastor. Everyone waiting till the last minute:

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. “Reverend,” said the young man, “I’m so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.” The minister chuckled. “I know what you mean. It’s the same in my business.”

9. Dressing for the wedding night or to see IRS (also filed under “Lawyers and Legal”):

A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his ant for advice on what to wear. “Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper,” the ant replied. Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. “Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.” Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. “Let me tell you a story,” replied the rabbi. “A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. She replied suggesting that her daughter wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to her neck. But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your sexiest negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.” The man protested, “Rabbi, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?” “No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed.”

10. Kid tells Mom what the lesson in church was:

Sunday after church, a mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, “Don’t be scared. You’ll get your quilt.” Needless to say, the mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea, and the mom asked him what that morning’s Sunday school lesson was about. He said, “Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.”

11. Pastor asking for more money:

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. “Here’s a copy of the service,” he said impatiently. “But you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.” During the service, the minister paused and said, “Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty. The roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.” At that moment, the substitute organist played “The Star Spangled Banner.” And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

12. A priest at the preschool:

A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad of about three or four stopped, looked at him in his clerical clothes, and asked, “Why do you dress funny?” He told him he was a priest and this was the uniform that priests wore. Then the boy pointed to the priest’s collar tab and asked, “Do you have an owie?” The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a Band-aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to the boy to show him. On the back of the tab were letters giving the name of the manufacturer. The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, “Do you know what those words say?” “Yes, I do,” said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, “Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!”

13. Two kinds of people in the morning:

Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good morning, Lord,” and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good Lord, it’s morning.”

14. An elderly Italian goes to confession:

“Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.” The priest replied, “That was a wonderful thing you did, my son, and you have no need to confess that.” “There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week and sometimes twice on Sundays.” The priest said, “That was a long time ago, and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. But two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.” “Thank you, Father. That is a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.” “And what is that?” asked the priest. “Should I tell her the war is over?”

15. Little girl on an airplane talks to an atheist:

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane, and he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow enger.” The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?” “Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God or no heaven or hell or no life after death?” He smiled smugly. “OK,” she said. “Those could be interesting topics, but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff—grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?” The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thought about it and said, “Hmmm, I have no idea.” To which the little girl replied, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss why there is no God or no heaven or hell or no life after death when you don’t know shit?” And then she went back to reading her book.

16. Heart attack victim in Catholic Hospital.

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart by surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. “Do you have health insurance?” she asked. He replied in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.” The nun asked, “Do you have money in the bank?” He replied, “No money in the bank.” “Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?” asked the irritated nun. He said, “I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun.” The nun became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.” The patient replied, “Perfect! Send the bill to my brother-in-law.”

17. The back pew:

A pastor’s wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they ed a rule that whenever the pastor’s family expanded so would his paycheck. After six children, this started to get expensive, and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor’s expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued as to how much the pastor’s additional children were costing the church and how much more it could potentially cost. After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, “Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as he gives us.” Silence fell over the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand and finally said in her frail voice, “Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.” The entire congregation said, “Amen.”

17. Marketing 101 (Jew and Catholic team up to beg):

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him, the other one, the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but put money only in the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. The pope comes by, stops, and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but giving none to the beggar sitting behind the Star of David. Finally, the pope goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, “My poor fellow, don’t you understand? This is a Catholic country. This city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren’t going to give money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you’re sitting beside a beggar who has a cross in front of him. In fact, they would probably give money to him just out of spite.” The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the pope, turned to the other beggar with the cross, and said, “Moishe, look who’s trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing.”

18. The haircut:

A teenage boy had just ed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he’d make a deal with his son. “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we’ll talk about the car.” The boy thought about that for a moment and decided he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks, his father said, “Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut.” The boy said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.” “But did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?”

19. A preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that could pay him more:

A preacher is explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave. Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and proclaims, “If the preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!” The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds. Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, “If the preacher will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!” More sighs and loud applause. Joe Tavares stands up and says, “If the preacher stays, I will provide him with all the wine he wants.” Sadie Jones, age eighty-eight, stands and announces with a smile, “If the preacher stays, I will give him sex!” There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her, “Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?” Sadie’s ninety-year-old husband, Jake, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, “Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, ‘Screw him!’” Isn’t senility wonderful? Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth!

20. A little boy got on the bus and noticed a man had his collar on backward:

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backward. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backward. The man, who was a priest, said, “I am a father.” The little boy replied, “My daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that.” The priest looked up from his book and answered, “I am the father of many.” The boy said, “My dad has four boys, four girls, and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way!” The priest, getting impatient, said, “I am the father of hundreds,” and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over, and said, “Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backward instead of your collar.”

21. A priest, Baptist preacher, and a rabbi try to convert a bear:

A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard—a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience. Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. “Well,” he said, “I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him, and Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.” Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, “Well, Brothers, you know that we don’t sprinkle! I went out and I found me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God’s holy Word! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took hold of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, up another, and down another until we came to a creek. So I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!” The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The rabbi looked up and said, “Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.”

22. Suddenly an eighteen-wheeler came speeding through the intersection:

I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, waiting on it to turn green. A carload of young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans, stopped next to me. The light changed, the Muslims shook their fists, hit the gas, and darted off ahead of me. For several minutes, I sat in my car thinking to myself, “Man, that could have been me!” So, today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

23. Pope’s trip from the airport:

After getting all of Pope Benedict’s luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn’t travel light), the driver notices the pope is still standing on the curb. “Excuse me, Your Holiness,” says the driver, “would you please take your seat so we can leave?” “Well, to tell you the truth,” says the pope, “they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I’d really like to drive today.” “I’m sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! What if something should happen?” protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning. “Who’s going to tell?” says the pope with a smile. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when after exiting the airport the pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 km/s. (, the pope is German.) “Please slow down, Your Holiness,” pleads the worried driver, but the pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. “Oh, dear God, I’m going to lose my license—and my job!” moans the driver. The pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. “I need to talk to the chief,” he says to the dispatcher. The chief gets on the radio, and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going over a 10 mph. “So bust him,” says the chief. “I don’t think we want to do that. He’s really important,” says the cop.

The chief exclaims, “All the more reason!” “No, I mean really important,” says the cop with a bit of persistence. The chief then asks, “Who do you have there? The mayor?” Cop replies, “Bigger.” Chief asks, “A senator?” Cop replies, “Bigger.” Chief asks, “The prime minister?” Cop replies, “Bigger.” “Well,” says the chief, “who is it?” Cop replies: “I think it’s God!” The chief is even more puzzled and curious. “What makes you think it’s God?” Cop says: “His chauffeur is the pope!”

24. Candles in Rome (also filed under “Irish”):

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O’Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty. The father said, “Top o’ the mornin’ to ye! Aren’t ye Mrs. Donovan and didn’t I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?” She replied, “Aye, that ye did, Father.” The father asked, “And be there any wee little ones yet?” She replied, “No, not yet, Father.” The father said, “Well now, I’m going to Rome next week, and I’ll light a fertility candle fer ye and yer hoosband.” She replied, “Oh, thank ye, Father.” They then parted ways. Some years later, they met again. The father asked, “Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?” She replied, “Oh, very well, Father!” The father asked, “And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?” She replied, “Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles, ten in all!” The father said, “That’s wonderful! And how is yer loving hoosband doing?” She replied, “He’s gone to Rome to blow out yer candle.”

25. Man praises pastor for sermon with profanity:

A man went to church one day, and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher’s hand. He said, “Preacher, I’ll tell you that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!” The preacher said, “Thank you, sir, but I’d rather you didn’t use profanity.” The man said, “I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!” The preacher said, “No shit?”

26. Little girl running to Sunday School falls:

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran, she prayed, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!” While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran, she once again began to pray, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late. But please don’t shove me either!”

27. Church ladies’ dinner:

A group of country friends from the Bluffton Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all the others. So Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. However, knowing that mushrooms are so expensive, she told her husband, “No mushrooms—they are too high.” He said, “Why don’t you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.” She said, “No, some wild mushrooms are poison.” He said, “Well, I see varmints eating them, and they’re OK.” So Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch—washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol’ Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol’ Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Janet watched Ol’ Spot, and the wild mushrooms didn’t seem to affect him, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She even had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head. After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played Mexican dominoes. About then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered in Janet’s ear. She said, “Mrs. Williams, Ol’ Spot just died.” Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor said, “That’s bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an

ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We’ll give everyone enemas, and we will pump out everyone’s stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.” Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMTs and the doctors had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomachs. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, “I think everything will be fine now,” and he left. They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room, and about this time, the helper lady came in and said, “You know, that fellow that ran over Ol’ Spot never even stopped.”

28. The Episcopal white-lie cake (also filed in “Stories”):

Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this, especially all of the ladies who bake for church events. We could easily change the church denomination… Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Episcopal Church Ladies’ Group in Tuscaloosa, but forgot to do it until the last minute. She ed it the morning of the bake sale, and after rummaging through cabinets, she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack up for Scout camp. When she took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured, and she exclaimed, “Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake!” This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church and in her new community of friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. She found it in the bathroom—a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect. And before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 a.m. and to buy the cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her mom. Alice was horrified! She was beside herself! Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed! All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back. The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time. She did not really want to attend

because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP’d, she couldn’t think of a believable excuse to stay home. The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old south, and to Alice’s horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert! Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake! She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the mayor’s wife said, “What a beautiful cake!” Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, “Thank you. I baked it myself.” Alice smiled and thought to herself, “God is good.”

29. Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal (also filed under “Irish”):

Father Murphy walked into a pub in Donegal and asked the first man he met, “Do you want to go to heaven?” The man said, “I do, Father.” The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.” Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to go to heaven?” “Certainly, Father,” the man replied. “Then stand over there against the wall,” said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and asked, “Do you want to go to heaven?” O’Toole said, “No, I don’t, Father.” The priest said, “I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?” O’Toole said, “Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”

30. Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary (also filed under “Irish”):

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. “Did you see the paper?” asked Gallagher. “They say I died!” “Yes, I saw it!” replied Finney. “Where are ye callin’ from?”

31. Irish priest is driving in New York and is stopped for speeding:

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?” “Just water,” says the priest. The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?” The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

32. Golf or sex life (also filed under “Sports”):

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend who is ahead by a couple of strokes. “Boy, I’d give anything to sink this putt,” the golfer mumbles to himself. Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, “Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?” Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, “Sure,” and sinks the putt. Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, “Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one.” The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, “Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?” Shrugging, the golfer replies, “OK.” And he makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, “Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?” “Definitely,” the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle. As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, “I haven’t really been fair with you because you don’t know who I am. I’m the devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life.” “Nice to meet you,” the golfer replies. “I’m Father O’ Malley.”

33. Irish Alzheimer’s (also filed under “Irish”):

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday, and the priest almost fainted when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, “Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?” Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you, Father. Awhile back, I misplaced me hat, and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn comes to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.” The priest said, “Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?” Murphy said, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat after all.” The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, “After I talked about ‘thou shalt not steal,’ ya decided you would rather do without the hat than burn in hell, right?” Murphy slowly shook his head and said, “No, Father, after ya talked about ‘thou shalt not commit adultery,’ I ed where I left me hat.”

34. Paddy needs a parking place (also filed under “Paddy”):

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven, he said, “Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place, I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish whiskey!” Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one.”

35. Pedestrian (Presbyterian) traffic crossing (also filed under “Paddy”):

Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, “OK, pedestrians.” Then he’d allow the traffic to . He’d done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted “Pedestrians!” for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, “Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?”

36. Priest talks about a first confession of a late arriving politician:

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after thirty-five years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited. “I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and when questioned by the police was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss’s wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people…” Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. “I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.” Moral: Never, never, never be late.

37. An Arab enters a taxicab in Dallas, Texas:

An Arab enters a taxicab in Dallas, Texas. Once he is seated, he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion, and in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music, which is music of the infidels and certainly no radio. So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, pulls over to the side, stops the cab, and opens the back door. The Arab asks him, “What are you doing, man?” The Texan answers, “In the time of the prophet, there were no taxis. So get your ass out and wait for a camel.”

38. Pastor’s false teeth:

A pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for two hours and forty-eight minutes. The congregation has to mob him to get him down from the pulpit, and they ask him what happened. The pastor explains that on the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn’t talk for more than eight minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than ten minutes. But the third Sunday, he put his wife’s teeth in by mistake and he couldn’t shut up…

39. Bubba does Lent:

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba’s neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass, and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, “You were born a Baptist and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.” Bubba’s neighbors were greatly relieved until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and as he rushed into Bubba’s yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water, which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: “You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish.”

40. The polite way to call someone a bastard:

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, “We’re about evenly matched. How about playing for five bucks a hole?” The first guy said that he wasn’t much for betting, but agreed to the . The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the parish priest. The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The priest said, “You won fair and square, and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.” The pro said, “Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?” The priest said, “Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And if you want to bring your mother and father along, I’ll marry them.”

41. The pastor, an avid golfer, was taking part in a local tournament:

The pastor, an avid golfer, was taking part in a local tournament. As he was preparing to tee off, the organizer of the tournament approached him and pointed to the dark, threatening storm clouds which were gathering. “Preacher,” the organizer said, “I trust you’ll see to it that the weather won’t turn bad on us.” Our pastor shook his head. “Sorry,” he replied. “I’m sales… You need upper management.”

42. Nun on the run (also filed in “Medical”):

A nun stepped out of the doctor’s office, saying her rosary rather loudly as she hurried down the hospital corridor. Another doctor witnessed this and went to ask her doctor about it. “Hey, what happened? The nun ran out of here praying her rosary as though it were the end of the world!” “Oh, I just told her she was pregnant.” The first doctor replied, “Oh my! Is she?” “No, but it sure cured her hiccups!”

43. Baptizing an Irishman (also filed under “Ethnic”).

An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol; thereupon, he asks the drunk, “Are you ready to find Jesus?” The drunk shouts, “Yes, oi am.” So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks, “Brother, have you found Jesus?” The drunk replies, “No, oi haven’t found Jesus!” The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, “Have you found Jesus, me brother?” The drunk answers, “No, oi haven’t found Jesus!” By this time, the preacher is at his wits’ end and dunks the drunk again—but this time holds him down for about thirty seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up, he catches his breath and says to the preacher, “Are you sure this is where he fell in”?

44. Two nuns were shopping at a 7-Eleven store:

Two nuns were shopping at a 7-Eleven store. As they ed by the beer cooler, one Nun said to the other, “Wouldn’t a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?” The second nun answered, “Indeed it would, sister, but I would not feel comfortable buying beer, since I am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand.” “I can handle that without a problem,” the other nun replied, and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the checkout. The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer. “We use beer for washing our hair,” the nun said. “Back at our nunnery, we call it Catholic shampoo.” Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said, “The curlers are on the house.”

45. It’s a sin to tell a lie:

In parochial school, students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructions also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings: Getting a hairdryer through customs: An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?” “Of course, child. What may I do for you?” “Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits, and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?” “I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.” “With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.” When they got to customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?” “From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.” The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?” “I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.” Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next please!”

46. Husband and wife verbal communication problem:

Johnny was busy working in his factory when the boss came by to tell him that his wife just had a baby in the hospital. The boss told him, “Johnny, leave the job immediately and go see your new baby in the hospital. And congratulations, Johnny!” Johnny left the job and drove to the hospital. He went directly up to the maternity ward to see his baby. At the nurse’s station in the maternity ward, he was directed to where the newborns were kept. The nurse pointed out which baby was his. Johnny was obviously delighted though he was kept from entering the room. The nurse then said, “Follow me, Johnny. I’ll take you to see your wife. She’s over there in room 28.” Johnny replied, “Naw, nurse, I’d rather not. You see, we haven’t spoken to each other in two years.”

47. Psalm 129:

A priest offered a nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, “Father, Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, Psalm 129?” The priest apologized. “Sorry, sister, but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek further up. You will find glory.” Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

48. Catholic dog (also filed under “Irish”):

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, “Father, me dog is dead. Could ya be saying a Mass for the poor creature?” Father Patrick replied, “I’m afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do somethin’ for the creature.” Muldoon said, “I’ll go right away, Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?” Father Patrick exclaimed, “Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?”

49. An almost adulterous situation:

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, “I almost had an affair with another woman.” The priest said, “What do you mean almost?” The Irishman said, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.” The priest said, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.” The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him, saying, “I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!” The Irishman replied, “Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!”

50. Lemon squeeze:

There once was a religious young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.” The priest said, “Confess your sins and be forgiven.” The young woman said, “Last night my boyfriend made mad ionate love to me seven times.” The priest thought long and hard and then said, “Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.” The young woman asked, “Will this cleanse me of my sins?” The priest said, “No, but it will wipe that smile off your face.”

51. A ninety-two-year-old Jew goes to confession:

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: “I am ninety-two years old, have a wonderful wife of seventy years, many children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.” Priest: “Are you sorry for your sins?” Man: “What sins?” Priest: “What kind of a Catholic are you?” Man: “I’m Jewish.” Priest: “Why are you telling me all this?” Man: “I’m ninety-two years old… I’m telling everybody!”

52. Commonality between a priest and pint:

Q. What’s a Catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common? A. A black coat, white collar, and you’ve got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

53. Two nuns eating hot dogs in America:

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat, and one says to the other, “I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs.” “Odd,” her companion replies. “But if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.” Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor, and they both walk toward him. “Two dogs, please,” says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, and he wraps both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their “dogs.” The mother superior is first to open hers. Staring at it for a moment, she leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, “What part did you get?”

54. Engineer in hell:

An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell and starts deg and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So how’s it going down there in hell?” Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.” God replies, “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake—he should never have gotten down there. Send him up here.” Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.” God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.” Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?”

55. The preacher victim of a rumor that he belonged to the KKK:

The preacher rose with a red face. “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the KKK. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family.” No one moved. The preacher continued, “Do you not have the nerve to face me and it this is a falsehood? , you will be forgiven and in our heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.” Again all was quiet. Slowly a “drop-dead” gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. “Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan. I told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets.”

56. Satan entered the church:

A few minutes before the church services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said, “Don’t you know who I am?” The man replied, “Yep, sure do.” “Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked. “Nope, sure ain’t,” said the man. “Don’t you realize I can kill you with a word?” asked Satan. “Don’t doubt it for a minute,” returned the old man in an even tone. “Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony for all eternity?” persisted Satan. “Yep” was the calm reply. “And you’re still not afraid?” asked Satan. “Nope.” More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Well, why aren’t you afraid of me?” The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for over forty-eight years.”

57. A wealthy man put a nickel in the collection box:

A wealthy man died. When he knocked on the pearly gates, St. Peter came out to greet him. The wealthy man was seeking ittance to heaven. St. Peter invited him to come into the waiting room where new arrivals were interviewed and held until their entrance into heaven was authorized. Then St. Peter then began to interview him. He asked, “Have you fed my hungry people?” The wealthy man said, “Well, I almost always picked up the tab when we ate out with friends.” St. Peter said that he did think that was what he was referring to. Then St. Peter asked, “Have you satisfied the thirst of my thirsty ones?” “Well,” he said, “I also often picked up the tab at the bar when drinking with my friends.” St. Peter said, “I was referring to the poor.” St Peter asked further, “Have you given money in the collection box at Mass?” The wealthy man paused, stroked his chin, and then said, “It seems to me that I put a nickel in the collection box about four weeks ago.” “I see,” said St. Peter, stroking his beard. And then he continued, “This is a very difficult decision for me to make on my own. I’m going to have to check with the Higher Authority. Please wait here. I’ll be right back.” He left to consult with the Higher Authority. He told the Higher Authority, “I am puzzled by this guy. He is not really bad or anything like that. But he just didn’t push himself in life to do anything charitable. I really don’t know how to decide his case.” St. Peter described the interview dia detail. “Well,” said the Higher Authority, “it’s no problem at all. It’s a really simple one to decide. Just give him his nickel back and tell him to go to hell.”

58. The new priest was so nervous at his first Mass:

The new priest was so nervous at his first Mass he could hardly speak. Before his second appearance in the pulpit, he asked the monsignor how he could relax. The monsignor said, “Next Sunday, it may help if you put some vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips, everything should go smoothly.” The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm during his sermon, taking a sip here and there during his sermon. He felt better and better as his sermon went on. However, upon returning to the rectory, he found a stern note from the monsignor. 1. Next time, sip rather than gulp the vodka. 2. There are ten commandments, not twelve. 3. There are twelve disciples, not ten. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey. He did not bet his ass. 6. The recommended grace before meals is not “Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God!” 7. We do not refer to our Savior Jesus Christ and his apostles as “JC and the boys.” 8. David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass. 10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.” 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it

for it is my body.” He did not say, “Eat me.” 12. And the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost are never referred to as “Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.” 13. The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry.” 14. Next Wednesday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a Peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

59. Sexual entrapment (also filed under “Sexy”):

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says, “Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, 10 MILES.” He thinks it is just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign which says: “Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, 5 MILES,” and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying, “Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, Next Right,” his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading “Sisters of Mercy.” He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, “What may we do for you, my son? He answers, “I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.” “Very well, my son. Please follow me.” He is led through many winding ages, and he is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, knocks on it, says, “Wait here, please,” and walks away. He does as he is told, and the door is soon answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a silver chalice. This nun instructs, “Please place $50 in the chalice, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway, closing it behind you.” The man fishes $50 out of his wallet, drops it in the chalice, and trots eagerly down the hall. He opens the door and slips through, pulling it shut behind him as instructed. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: “Go in peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy.”

60. God created the mule, then the dog, then the monkey, then the cat:

God created the mule and told him, “You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and you lack intelligence. You will live for fifty years.” The mule answered: “To live like this for fifty years is too much. Please give me no more than twenty.” And it was so. Then God created the dog and told him, “You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for twenty-five years as a dog.” And the dog responded, “Lord, to live twenty-five years is too much. Please no more than ten years.” And it was so. God then created the monkey and told him, “You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for twenty years.” And the monkey responded, “Lord, to live twenty years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than ten years.” And it was so. Finally, God created man and told him, “You are man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for twenty years.” And the man responded, “Lord, to be man for only twenty years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the twenty years the mule refused, the fifteen years the dog refused, and the ten years the monkey rejected.” And it was so. And so God made man to live twenty years as a man, then marry and live twenty years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then he made him have children and live fifteen years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, he made live ten years as a monkey, acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren.

61. Difference between a priest and a pint:

Q: What’s a Catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common? A: A black coat, white collar, and you’ve got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

62. Girl makes out in showbiz, goes home and to confession:

As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Mary shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long she became a successful performer in show business. Eventually, she returned to her hometown for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional, Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional, and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings, and backflips. Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Mary’s acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other, “Jaysus, Mary, and Joseph, will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin’ out tonight, and me without me bloomers on!”

63. Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery a block away from Jack’s liquor store.

One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine, and she said, “Oh Jack, give me a pint o’ the brandy.” “Sister Mary Katherine,” exclaimed Jack, “I could never do that! I’ve never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!” “Oh, Jack,” she responded, “it’s only for the Mother Superior.” Her voice dropped. “It helps her constipation, you know.” So Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night, Jack closed the store and walked home. As he ed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine. And she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering, so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, “Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superior’s constipation!” Sister Mary Katherine didn’t miss a beat as she replied, “And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she’s going to shit!”

64. The elderly priest onishes a younger priest:

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, “It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church fills first.” The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, “And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I ed you when you brought in that rock ‘n’ roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony.” “Thank you, Father,” answered the young priest. “I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.” “Well,” said the elderly priest, “I’m afraid you’ve gone too far with the drivethrough confessional.” “But, Father,” protested the young priest, “my confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!” “I know, son,” replied the elderly priest, “but that flashing neon sign, ‘Toot-n-tell or Go to Hell’ can’t stay on the church roof.”

65. A woodcutter’s axe fell into the river:

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, “Why are you crying?” The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. “Is this your axe?” the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, “No.” The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. “Is this your axe?” the Lord asked. Again the woodcutter replied, “No.” The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. “Is this your axe?” the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, “Yes.” The Lord was pleased with the man’s honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy. Sometime later, the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying?” “Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!” The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. “Is this your wife?” the Lord asked. “Yes,” cried the woodcutter. The Lord was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!”

The woodcutter replied, “Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘no’ to Jennifer Lopez, you would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said ‘no’ to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said, ‘yes,’ you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man and am not able to take care of all three wives, so that’s why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez.” The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason and for the benefit of others. That’s our story, and we’re sticking to it!

66. An atheist was taking a walk through the woods:

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. “What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself. As he walked alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a seven-foot grizzly charge toward him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again and saw that the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right over him and reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike. At that instant, the atheist cried out, “Oh my god! Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, “You deny my existence for all these years, teach others that I don’t exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?” The atheist looked directly into the light. “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?” There was a pause, and then the voice said, “Very well.” The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. Then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, and bowed his head and spoke, “Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful.”

67. Three couples went in to see the minister—how to become of his church:

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged, and the final couple was newlywed. Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint. “Can of paint!” exclaimed the minister. “Yeah,” said the newlywed man. “She dropped the can, and when she bent over to pick it up, I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over.” The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church. “That’s OK,” said the man. “We’re not welcome in Home Depot either.”

68. A pastor on his deathbed between two thieves:

An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for an Internal Revenue Service agent and his lawyer to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the lawyer asked, “Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?” The old pastor mustered all his strength and then said weakly, “Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s how I’d like to go.”

69. The “blind” man:

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. “Who is it?” calls one of the nuns. “Blind man,” replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. “Nice tits,” says the man. “Where do you want these blinds?”

70. What gets to heaven first? (Also filed under “Sexy”):

A priest asked his class of young children the following question during Sunday school: “Class, now which part of the human body gets to heaven first when you die?” Little prissy Suzy was quick to give an answer, “Father, it has to be the heart because all of your love is in the heart.” “Very good, Suzy, but that is not the answer I’m looking for,” said the priest. Brainy Pete said, “It must be the brain, Father, because your soul is in the brain.” “That’s almost right, Pete, but not quite what I wanted to know.” Anxiously, little Dan in the back of the class jumped up and said, “It’s the feet! The feet get there first!” The priest was intrigued by this and asked, “Now that’s very interesting, Dan. How do you know it’s the feet?” Dan replied, “Well, last night I couldn’t sleep, so I went to my parents’ bedroom. My mother was on the bed, groaning and moaning as if she was about to die, and my father was on top of her, trying his best to help and console her. Then she suddenly pushed her feet into the air, as if it was her last, and shouted, ‘Oh my god! I’m coming!’”

71. The missionary’s life in deep Africa:

A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe there. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write, and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication! One day, the wife of one of the tribe’s noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked, and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. “You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn’t take a genius to work out what has been going on!” The missionary replies, “No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence—what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion.” The chief pauses for a moment, then says, “Tell you what, you don’t say anything about the sheep, I won’t say anything about the white child.”

72. Two New Zealand nuns:

Two New Zealand nuns were on their way to a new convent in the USA, and on the plane ride over, one nun told the other that she had heard that Americans eat dogs. The other nun was rather aghast, but she said, “When in Rome, do as the Romans do.” After getting settled, the more adventurous nun said to the other that they should go try one of those dogs. So they set off and found a local hot dog stand. Each nun ordered one and then took their “dogs” to the park to eat under the trees. Finally one nun became brave and opened up the wrapping on hers. She looked at it and her face turned bright red. After what seemed like an hour, she finally looked at the other nun and said, “So what part of the dog did you get?”

73. Three Italian nuns:

Three Italian nuns died and went to heaven, where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. St. Peter said, “Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives that I am granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want.” The first Italian nun said, “I vant-a to be-a Sophia Loren-a.” And poof! she was gone. The second Italian nun said, “I vant-a to be-a Madonna.” And poof! she was gone. The third said, “I vant-a to be-a Sara Pipalini.” St. Peter looked perplexed. “Who?” he asked. “Sara Pipalini,” answered the nun. St. Peter shook his head and said, “I am sorry but that name just does not ring a bell.” The nun then took a newspaper out of her habit and handed it to St. Peter. He read the paper and started laughing. He handed it back to her and said, “No, Sister, this says ‘Sahara Pipeline laid by five hundred men in seven days.’”

74. Bad day requirement to go to heaven:

It was getting a little crowded in heaven, so God decided to change the ittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at 12 noon the following day. So the next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of heaven. The angel at the gate, ing about the new law, promptly asked the man, “Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died.” “No problem,” the man said. “Well, for some time now, I’ve thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour she’d bring her lover home to our twenty-fifth-floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home to catch them. “Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But dammit, I couldn’t find him. “Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips. The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me! Well, I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn’t you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall and he didn’t die. “In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on and throw on him. Oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and heaved it over the side. It plummeted twenty-five stories and crushed him. The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.” The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day, and it was a crime of ion, so he announced, “OK, sir, welcome to the kingdom of heaven,” and let him in. A few seconds later, the next guy came up. “OK, here’s the rule. Before I can let

you in, I need to hear about the day you died.” “Sure thing,” the man replied, “but you’re not going to believe this. I was out on the balcony of my twenty-sixth floor apartment, doing my daily exercises, when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side. “Luckily, however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden, this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stepping on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some bushes on the way down, which broke my fall, so I didn’t die right away. As I’m lying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge, and it falls directly on top of me and kills me.” The angel was quietly laughing to himself as the man finished his story. “I could get used to this new policy,” he thought to himself. “Very well,” the angel announced, “welcome to the kingdom of heaven.” And he let the man enter. A few seconds later, the third man in line came up to the gate. “Tell me about the day you died,” said the angel. “OK, picture this,” says the man. “I’m naked inside a refrigerator…”

75. A car full of nuns:

A highway patrol stopped a car going at eight miles per hour on the freeway. It was badly holding up traffic, getting others really angry. The car was full of nuns. He impatiently asked the driver why she was going only eight miles per hour. He told her that she was causing a lot of trouble on the freeway. She replied that the sign said eight, and she pointed to the highway sign alongside the freeway. The highway patrolman politely explained to her that the number eight was only the highway number, not the freeway speed. Then he noticed that there were three nuns in the back seat trembling with fear. He asked the driver what was wrong with the nuns. The driver explained that she just came off Highway 99.

76. Hell for windows or the gates of hell:

Bill Gates died and found himself being sized up by God. “Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call. I’m not sure whether to send you to heaven or hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Window ’95. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before. I’m going to let you decide where you want to go.” Bill replied, “Well, what’s the difference between the two?” God said, “I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly to see if it will help your decision.” “Fine, but where should I go first?” Bill asked. “I’ll leave that up to you.” God replied. “OK then,” said Bill, “let’s try hell first.” So Bill went to hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. “This is great;” he told God. “If this is hell, I really want to see heaven.” “Fine,” said God, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. “Hmmm. I think I’d prefer Hell,” he told God. “Fine,” replied God, “as you desire.” So Bill Gates went to hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was

doing in hell. When he got there, he found Bill shackled to a wall screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons, with no one to help him out of his dilemma no matter how loud he screamed. “How’s everything going?” he asked Bill. Responding with his voice filled with anguish and tormented disappointment, Bill screamed, “This is awful. This is nothing like the hell I visited two weeks ago. I can’t believe this is happening. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?” “Oh,” God said, “that was Hell 3.1. This is Hell 95.”

77. The taxi driver and the minister at the Pearly Gates:

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to it you to the kingdom of heaven?” The guy replies, “I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City.” Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the kingdom of heaven.” The taxi driver goes into heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last forty-three years.” Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the kingdom of heaven.” “Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?” “Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept. While he drove, people prayed.”

78. The minister and his congregation:

One Sunday morning, the minister told the congregation that he was going to say a series of words, and he wanted them to sing the song that came to mind when he said each word. The first word he said was “rock.” They immediately started singing “Rock of Ages.” The second word he said was “blood,” and they sang “Power in the Blood.” The third word was “cross,” and they began singing, “The Old Rugged Cross.” The fourth word he said was “sex.” Everyone gasped, and then it got very quiet. Way in the back of the church, an eighty-seven-year-old lady stood up and started singing, “Memories.”

79. My daily prayer:

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. Also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the ass that I have to kiss tomorrow. Help me to always give 100 percent at work… 12 percent on Monday, 23 percent on Tuesday, 40 percent on Wednesday, 20 percent on Thursday, and 5 percent on Friday. And help me to … when I’m having a really bad day and it seems that people are trying to piss me off… that it takes forty-two muscles to frown and only four to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me.

80. A real vacation:

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts and shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their “tourist” garb, and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine, and the scenery when a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight toward them. They couldn’t help but stare, and when she ed them, she turned to them, smiled, and said, “Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father,” nodding and addressing each of them individually, then ed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests? The next day they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. Those were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them, and again they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.) Again she approached them and greeted them individually, “Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father,” and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn’t stand it and said, “Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests and proud of it, but I have to know. How in the world did you know?” “Oh, Father, don’t you recognize me? I’m Sister Kathryn!”

81. A little girl get sick in church:

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. “Mommy,” she said, “can we leave now?” “No,” her mother replied. “Well, I think I’m gonna be sick, Momma!” “Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and then behind a bush.” After about sixty seconds, the little girl returned to her seat. “Were you sick?” her mom asked. “Yes.” “How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?” “I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, ‘For the Sick.’”

82. The new priest in the confessional:

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, “Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand.” The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, “Try saying things like, ‘I see, yes, go on, I understand. How did you feel about that?’” The new priest says those things. The old priest says, “Now don’t you think that’s a little better than slapping your knee and saying, “No shit? What happened next?’”

83. A wholesome and good construction site Catholic joke:

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch sit with the workers; and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked, “And do you men know Jesus Christ?” They shook their heads and looked at each other, very confused. One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, “Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?” One of the steelworkers yelled down, “Why?” The worker yelled back, “Cause his wife’s here with his lunch.”

84. A pastor in a neighborhood pub:

A pastor walked into a neighborhood pub that was hopping with music and dancing. Every now and then the lights would go out, followed by an eruption of cheers from the crowd. When somebody noticed the pastor, however, the revelry stopped and the room got very quiet. Feeling awkward and out of place, the pastor went to the bartender and asked, “May I please use the restroom?” The pastor replied, “I really don’t think you should.” “For heaven’s sake, why not?” “Well, there is a large statue of a woman in there, and I’m afraid it would offend you, being a man of the cloth and all. She is only wearing a fig leaf over her…” “Nonsense,” said the pastor, “I’ll just look the other way.” Still feeling very selfconscious in the quiet room, he entered the men’s room. After a few minutes he emerged, and the whole place was filled with music and dancing again, and everyone was giving him an enthusiastic round of applause. Several patrons came to him, slapped him on the back, put their arms around his shoulders, and led him to the bar where he was presented with a cold drink on the house. “I don’t understand.” the bewildered pastor whispered to the bartender. “What happened?” “They know you’re one of us now,” the bartender replied. “How?” The bartender grinned and slid another drink to him. “When the fig leaf on the statue is lifted, all the lights go out.”

85. Let us gather at the river:

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.” With even greater emphasis he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.” And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.” With the sermon complete, he sat down. The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn 365. ‘Shall We Gather at The River.’”

86. Dolly Parton and the queen are at the Pearly Gate:

The Angel says, “OK, Your Majesty, you may go in.” Dolly is outraged and asks, “What was that all about? I show you two of God’s own perfect creations and you turn me down. She wee’s into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?” “Sorry, Dolly,” says the Angel, “but even in heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are.”.

87. A wholesome and good construction site Catholic joke:

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch sit with the workers; and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked, “And do you men know Jesus Christ?” They shook their heads and looked at each other, very confused. One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, “Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?” One of the steelworkers yelled down, “Why?” The worker yelled back, “Cause his wife’s here with his lunch.”

Sexy but Clean

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SC01. Making a baby. SC02. No one wanted to room with Bob at a deer camp. SC03. My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the vet. SC04. Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor: SC05. Why men wear earrings. SC06. Student takes exam on uses of breast milk. SC07. Is giving birth like getting kicked in the nuts? SC08. How boobs got their name. SC09. Medic alert. SC10. Don’t feel bad. SC11. Generic drugs and their new trade names. SC12. Thought for the day. SC13. Tongue-tied guy wants to buy nuts and comments on seller’s nose. SC14. A salesman, selling condoms, boarded plane with six kids.

SC15. Bad art interpretation. SC16. Grandma’s boyfriend, the TV (also filed under “Parenting”). SC17. Dean addresses the students, pointing out some of the rules. SC18. “The unlucky floor?” SC19. Two Indians and a hillbilly were walking in the woods. SC20. A “Dear Abby sex story.” SC21. A pair of gloves and panties as a gift got switched. SC22. A man ordering quiche in restaurant. SC23. The woman who went fishing on the lake. SC24. The pill and the restaurant. SC25. All lies about sex. SC26. Dick Van Dyke. SC27. The two prostitutes and the constitution. SC28. The armless and legless lover. SC29. The sexy housewife and the well-built TV repairman. SC30. Smart nuns. SC31. Interpretation of geological diggings. SC32. Donald Duck buys a condom:

1. Making a baby:

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife good-bye and said, “Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon.” Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. “Good morning, ma’am,” he said, “I’ve come to…” “Oh, no need to explain,” Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed. “I’ve been expecting you.” “Have you really?” said the photographer. “Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my specialty?” “Well, that’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.” After a moment, she asked, blushing, “Well, where do we start?” “Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.” “Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for Harry and me!” “Well, ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.” “My, that’s a lot!” gasped Mrs. Smith. “Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.” “Don’t I know it,” said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. “This was done on the top of a bus,” he said. “Oh, my god!” Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. “And these twins turned out exceptionally well—when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.” “She was difficult?” asked Mrs. Smith. “Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.” “Four and five deep?” said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. “Yes,” the photographer replied. “And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling—I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached, I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.” Mrs. Smith leaned forward. “Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh… equipment?” “It’s true, ma’am, yes… Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tripod and we can get to work right away.” “Tripod?” “Oh yes, ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big to be held in the hand very long.” Mrs. Smith fainted.

2. No one wanted to room with Bob at a deer camp:

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Bob and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, “Man, what happened to you? He said, “Bob snored so loudly I just sat up and watched him all night.” The next night it was a different guy’s turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!” He said, “Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night.” The third night was Fred’s turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man’s man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. “Good morning!” he said. They couldn’t believe it. They said, “Man, what happened?” He said, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night.”

3. My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the vet:

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was the hair in its ears, so he cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some “Nair” hair remover and rub in its ears once a month. The lady went to the chemist and got some “Nair” hair remover. At the , the chemist told her, “If you’re going to use this under your arms, don’t use deodorant for a few days.” The lady said, “I’m not using it under my arms.” The chemist said “If you’re using it on your legs, don’t shave for a couple of days.” The lady said, “I’m not using it on my legs either, and if you must know, I’m using it on my schnauzer.” The chemist said, “Stay off your bicycle for a week.”

4. Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor:

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.” The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. “Gee, Mom,” he exclaimed. “For me?” “Just take two,” Brenda replied. “The rest are for your father.”

5. Why men wear earrings:

Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men? A man is at work one day when he notices that his coworker is wearing an earring. The man knows his coworker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.” The man walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.” “Don’t make such a big deal. It’s only an earring,” he replies sheepishly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, “So how long have you been wearing one?” “Ever since my wife found it in my truck.”

6. Student takes exam on uses of breast milk:

A question had appeared in an examination which read, “Give four uses of breast milk.” A student began to answer the question: 1. No need to boil. 2. Cats can’t steal them. 3. Available whenever necessary.

But the fourth point eluded him. When there were barely a couple of minutes for the exam to close, the much required fourth point flashed to his mind. So he completed the answer by writing,

4. Available in attractive containers.

7. “Is giving birth like getting kicked in the nuts?”:

Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Here is proof that they are wrong. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “It might be nice to have another child.” You never hear a guy say, “I would like another kick in the nuts.” Case closed.

8. How boobs got their name:

B oo b

Top view, front view, side view.

9. Medic alert:

Australian Medical Association researchers have found that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood. It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

10. Don’t feel bad:

Blessed are those who are cracked for they are the ones who let in the light!

11. Generic drugs and their new trade names:

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of “cocktails,” “highballs,” and just a good old-fashioned “stiff drink.” Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of Mount & Do.

12. Thought for the day:

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

13. Tongue-tied guy wants to buy nuts and comments on seller’s nose:

A tongue-tied man goes into a nut shop, and the first thing he notices is that the guy behind the counter has the largest nose he’s ever seen in his life. The tonguetied guy quickly turns his attention to the merchandise and asks, “Ess-Tues me ser? “Yes, sir,” replies the clerk. “Tould you tale me how mutsh your pisstasheos arr?” “Pistachio’s? They’re six dollars a pound.” “Ssit!” The tongue-tied guy goes back to browsing and then asks, “Welp, how mutsh arr your aahhmons?” “Almonds? They’re seven fifty a pound.” “Ssit! Tas pensive,” replies the tongue-tied man. “Welp, how ’bout your pikanns?” “Pecans? They’re on sale today. They’re only four fifty a pound.” “Welp, Ssit. Just div me a pound of dose dhen.” “All right then,” says the clerk and begins bagging up a pound of pecans. Then the tongue-tied guy says to the clerk, “Sirr, I just wana tay tank you of not making phun of de way I talk, ’cauz I tan’t hep it.” The clerk replies with a smile. “Oh, sir, you don’t have to thank me for that. I don’t make fun of anybody, for anything! I don’t know if you noticed, or not, but I have a rather large nose.” The tongue-tied guy replies, “Oh, is dat your noze? I tawt dat wuz your penis since your nutz arr so high.”

14. A salesman, selling condoms, boarded plane with six kids:

A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over and asked, “Are all of those your kids?” He replied, “No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.”

15. Bad art interpretation:

A couple attending an art exhibition at the national gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society. “In fact,” he pointed out, “serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.” After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and said, “Would you like to know what the painting is really about?” “Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?” asked the couple. “Because I’m the guy who painted it,” he replied. “In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They’re just three Scottish coalminers. The only difference is that the guy in the middle went home for lunch.”

16. Grandma’s boyfriend, the TV (also filed under “Parenting”):

A five-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, “Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?” Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend.” Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV, hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma’s minister. The minister said, “Hello, son, is your grandma home?” The little boy replied, “Yeah, she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend.” The minister fainted.

17. Dean addresses the students, pointing out some of the rules:

On the first day of college, the dean addresses the students, pointing out some of the rules, “The female dormitory will be out of bonds for all male students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?” At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, “How much for a season ?”

18. “The unlucky floor”:

The young couple was engaged in a most affectionate embrace when there came the sound of a key in the front door. The young lady broke away at once, eyes wide with alarm. “Heavens,” she cried, “it’s my husband! Quick, jump out the window.” The young man, equally alarmed, made a quick step toward the window, then demurred. “I can’t,” he said. “We’re on the thirteenth floor.” “For heaven’s sake,” cried the young lady in exasperation, “is this a time to be superstitious?”

19. Two Indians and a hillbilly were walking in the woods.

All of a sudden, one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” he called into the cave. And then he listened very closely until he heard an answering, “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. The hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about. “Was he crazy or what?” “No,” said the Indian. “It is our custom during mating season. When Indian men see cave, they holler, ‘Wooooo Wooooo! Wooooo!’ into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate.” Just then they saw another cave. The second Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped and hollered, “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” Immediately, there was an answering, “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. The hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, “Man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!” He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might, “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, “Wooooooooo! Wooooooooo! Wooooooooo!” With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of newspaper read…”NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN.”

20. A “Dear Abby sex story”:

John went to City Hall to renew his dog’s license, and he told the clerk, “I wanted a license for Sex.” The clerk said “I’d like one, too!” Then John said, “But this is a dog.” He said he didn’t care what she looked like. Then John said, “You don’t understand. I’ve Sex since I was nine years old.” The clerk winked at him and said, “You must have been quite a kid.” John continued, “When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took my dog with me. I told the hotel clerk I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex.” The hotel clerk said, “You don’t need a special room for Sex. As long as you pay your bill, we don’t care what you do.” John said, “Look, you don’t seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.” The hotel clerk said, “Funny, I have the same problem.” Well, one day, John entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog got loose and ran away. Another contestant asked John why he was just standing there, looking disappointed. John told him he had planned to have Sex in the contest. The contestant said, “Wonderful! If you sell tickets, you’ll clean up!” “But you don’t understand,” I said. “I want to have Sex on TV.” He said, “They already have that on cable. It’s no big deal anymore.” Well, John and his wife decided to separate, so they went to court to fight for custody of the dog. John said to the judge, ‘Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married.”

The judge interrupted and said, “The court is not a confessional. Please stick to the facts.” Then he told the judge that after he was married, Sex left him. The judge said, “Me too.” Well, Sex ran away again, and John spent hours looking all over town for him. A cop came over to him and asked, “What are you doing in this alley at four o’clock in the morning?” John said, “I’m looking for Sex.” John’s case comes up on Friday.

21. A pair of gloves and panties as a gift got switched:

A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart, and after careful consideration, he decided on a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sweetheart’s sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the items got mixed up. The sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, he sealed the package and send it to her with this note.

Dearest Darling,

This is a little gift to show you I have not forgotten your birthday. I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your younger sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are very easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been wearing for three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on for me, and she really looked smart. I wish I could put them on you for the first time. No doubt other men’s hands will come in with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink. I hope you will like them and wear them for me on Friday night. All my love. PS Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. Also, the latest style is to wear them folded down with the fur showing.

22. A man ordering quiche in restaurant:

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won’t quit comes to his table and asks if he is ready to order, “What would you like, sir?” He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, “A quickie.” The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure, she returns and asks again, “What would you like, sir?” Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, “A quickie, please.” This time her anger takes over; she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding “Smack!” and storms away. A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, “Um, I think it’s pronounced ‘quiche.’”

23. The woman who went fishing on the lake:

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife prefers to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a short nap. The wife decides to take the boat out. She is not familiar with the lake, so she rows out, anchors the boat, and starts reading her book. Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside, and says, “Good morning, ma’am. What are you doing?” “Reading my book,” she replies. She thinks to herself, “Is this guy blind or what?” “You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her. “But, Officer, I’m not fishing. Can’t you see that?” “But you have all this equipment, ma’am. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.” “If you do that, I will charge you with rape,” snaps the irate woman. “I didn’t even touch you,” grouses the sheriff. “Yes, that’s true… but you have all the equipment.

24. The pill and the restaurant:

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her it is still experimental and tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. So that night at dinner, she does. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor. She says, “Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn’t five minutes and he jumps up, rakes all the food and dishes on the floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off, and ravages me right there on the table!” The doctor says, “I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.” “Naah… ,” she says, “that’s OK. We aren’t going back to that restaurant anyway.”

25. All lies about sex:

A minister was ing a group of young teens sitting on the church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing. “Nothing much, Pastor,” replied the one lad. “We’re just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life.” “Boys! Boys! Boys!” intoned the minister. “I’m shocked. When I was your age, I never even thought about sex at all.” The boys looked at each other and then all replied, pretty much in unison, “You win, Pastor!”

26. Dick Van Dyke:

An actor auditioned for a part in a musical comedy many years ago. The director was impressed with the young man’s talent. He could dance, he could sing, and he had perfect comic timing. The director asked the young man his name. “Penis van Lesbian,” the man replied proudly. “Well,” said the director, “we’ll have to change that.” “Oh,” the young man said, “I could never change my name. It’s my heritage.” “Well,” said the director, “if you’re not willing to change your name, you’ll never go anywhere in show business.” The young man left the theater dejectedly. A couple of years later, the director and the young man happened to meet on the street. “Do you me?” asked the young man. “Yes, I do,” said the director.” I almost cast you once for a musical comedy. What have you been up to?” “Well, I finally took your advice,” the young man said. “I changed my name and I have been quite successful in show business ever since.” “I told you so,” the director replied. “And what name did you choose, Mr. van Lesbian?” “Dick van Dyke,” he replied.

27. The two prostitutes and the constitution:

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: “TWO PROSTITUTES—$50.00.” A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they’d either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car ed with a sign saying: “JESUS SAVES.” One of the girls asked the cop, “How come you don’t stop them?!” “Well, that’s a little different,” the cop smiled. “Their sign pertains to religion.” So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off. The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read: “TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER—$50.00.”

28. The armless and legless lover:

A woman who has been married twice and divorced twice is fed up. Her first husband beat her, and her second husband ran away with another woman. Plus, she can’t find a new lover who can satisfy her sexually, so she puts an ad in the classifieds: “Wanted: A good looking, single guy who won’t beat me, won’t leave me, and is good in bed.” About a week later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a man with no arms and legs on her front porch. “I’m here about your ad,” he says. “You must be mistaken,” she says. “Let me explain,” he says. “I can’t beat you, I don’t have any arms, and I can’t run away because I don’t have any legs.” “But,” she asks, “how do I know you’re good in bed?” He says, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

29. The sexy housewife and the well-built TV repairman:

The little sexy housewife was built so well the TV repairman couldn’t keep his eyes off her. Every time she came in the room, he’d near about jerk his neck right out of t looking at her. When he’d finished, she paid him and said, “I’m going to make a… well… unusual request. But you have to first promise me you’ll keep it a secret.” The repairman quickly agreed and she went on, “Well, it’s kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man…” She sighed. “He has a certain physical weakness, a certain disability. Now I’m a woman and you’re a man…” The repairman could hardly speak, “Yes, yes!” “And since I’ve been wanting to ever since you came in the door…” “Yes, yes!” “Would you help me move the refrigerator?”

30. Smart nuns:

Two nuns go out of the convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half hour? SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants. SL: It’s logical. He wants to rape us. SM: Oh no! At this rate he will reach us in fifteen minutes at the most. What can we do? SL: The only logical thing to do of course is that we have to start walking faster. SM: It is not working. SL: Of course, it is not working. The man did the only obvious thing to do. He started to walk faster too. SM: So what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute. SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow both of us. So the man decided to go after Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not yet arrived. Finally, Sister Logical arrives. SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell us what happened! SL: The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he followed me.

SM: So what happened? Please tell us. SL: The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could. SM: So what happened? SL: The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as fast as he could. SM: And what else? SL: The only logical thing to happen. He reached me. SM: Oh no! What did you do then? SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up. SM: Oh, Sister. What did the man do? SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants. SM: Oh no! What happened then? SL: Isn’t it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down!

31. Interpretation of geological diggings:

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance:

1. A woman 2. A donkey 3. A shovel 4. A fish 5. A Star of David

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The president of their society stood up, pointed at the first drawing, and said, “This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. “Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if they had a famine hit the earth, whereby the food didn’t grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.”

Suddenly a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, “I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don’t read from left to right, but from right to left. Now look again. It now says: ‘Holy mackerel, dig the ass on that woman!’”

32. Donald Duck buys a condom:

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy. The first thing Daisy asked was, “Do you have a condom?” Donald frowned and said, “No.” Daisy told Donald that if he didn’t get a condom, they could not have sex. “Maybe they sell them at the front desk,” she suggested. So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms. “Yes, we do,” the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald. The clerk then asked, “Would you like me to put them on your bill?” “Thit No!” Donald quacked, “I’ll thuffocate!”

Sexy

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S01. Lady hides handkerchiefs in bra. S02. The golfer returns home due to bad weather and goes back to bed. S03. Boy bathes with bubbles. S04. Texan brags about his newborn son’s circumcision. S05. A tourist in Las Vegas cocktail lounge. S06. Two women out on the town returning stop to pee in the cemetery. S07. Prisoner escapes and breaks into house. S08. Man wants to replace rooster he killed with car. S09. “Crushed nuts or arthritis?” S10. Cowboy outfit. Asks wife: “What’s different?” S11. Scantily clad woman retrieves raisin bread high up a ladder in bakery. S12. “Memories!” Eighty-seven-old woman shouts from back of church. S13. Pecker gets harder when you’re away from home. S14. Cowboy’s huge boots. S15. Dentist tells patient how rubber gloves are made in China. But she wonders

about how condoms are made. S16. Woman makes money with clippers when football fans pee in bushes. S17. Teenage sex. S18. Fat man has not seen his own penis for a long time. S19. Pancakes. S20. The mailman who did not attend the wild party. S21. Social Security sex. S22. Camels for his wife. S23. Confounded sex. S24. What a coincidence. S25. Wedding anniversary sex. S26. Women’s humorous sex. S27. Elderly sex (also filed under “Old People”). S28. Tie me up. S29. Golfer hit in crotch with ball and had his Willie crated up by doc. S30. He catches her eye. S31. “My bike” (also filed under “Religious”). S32. Husband gently probes for remote control all over his wife’s body in bed. S33. Wife at Home Depot buying a hinge was sidetracked by a beautiful faucet. S34. Boy at nude beach asks mother about body parts on males and females. S35. Sex with a goat or a ghost?

S36. Results of recent research show that there are seven kinds of sex. S37. An old sailor and the prostitute. S38. Fire extinguisher. S39. Rabbi describes disposition of foreskins in circumcisions. S40. Mexican maid asks for a raise. S41. Woodpeckers in the trees comparing notes. S42. Ordering wine in a hillbilly bar. S43. No underwear. S44. Schoolteachers on a field trip with kids. S45. A salesman in divorce proceedings against his wife. S46. Coffee and missing testicles gets man a government job. S47. My private part died. S48. Man seeks help at pharmacy for permanent erection. S49. Nick is in the hospital. S50. Porcupine. S51. Playing smart poker. S52. The evangelist and the double-crossing husband. S53. Woman couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. S54. Language barrier. Itchy pussy. S55. A farmer went to the movie with a pet rooster. S56. My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the

veterinarian (also filed under “Animals”). S57. A man knocked at the door of a house of a friend to repay a debt. S58. The freshmen engineering students on the human body design. S59. Sexual entrapment (also filed under “Religious”). S60. When a good man and a wretch died. S61. Jack and his erection cure. S62. Mortician wants to preserve an extra big private part (also filed under “Medical”). S63. A ninety year-old took Viagra and died (also filed under “Old People”). S64. A couple of simple truths. S65. I found a flyer in my mail box. S66. Sunday Morning Sex. S67. Lady reporter interviews farmer about Mad Cow Disease. S68. Richard was sunbathing naked at the beach in Jamaica. S69. A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. (also under Old People) S70. The effect of money spent on Viagra and Alzheimer’s by year 2040.

1. Lady hides handkerchiefs in bra:

A young woman was suffering badly from hay fever. She was going to a fancy dinner party that night and figured she would need at least two handkerchiefs to get her through the evening. She didn’t have any pockets, so she stuffed them both in her bra. Halfway through the night, she had already used up one handkerchief and was rummaging around in her bra for the other one. She was having trouble finding it, and soon she noticed that everyone at the table was looking at her. “What on earth are you doing?” asked one of her colleagues. She replied, “I could have sworn I had two when I arrived!”

2. The golfer returns home due to bad weather and goes back to bed:

There’s a fellow who is an avid golfer. Actually he’s a golf fanatic. Every Saturday morning, he has an early tee time. He gets up very early and plays golf all day long. Well, this one Saturday, he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet, and goes out to his car to drive to the course. It’s raining in a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed with the rain, and the wind is howling at 50 mph. He comes back into the house, turns on the weather channel, and finds that the horrendous weather is supposed to last all day. So he puts his clubs back in the closet, quietly undresses, and slips back into bed. He cuddles up to his wife’s back and whispers, “The weather out there is terrible.” She replies, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing?”

3. Boy bathes with bubbles:

Wanna hear a dirty joke? A boy jumped into a mud puddle. Wanna hear a clean joke? He took a bath with bubbles. Wanna hear a dirty joke? Bubbles is the girl next door.

4. Texan brags about his newborn son’s circumcision:

A Texan is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing twenty-five pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at twenty-five pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, “That’s about average down home. Folks, like I said, ‘My boy’s a typical Texas baby boy.’” Congratulations are showered on him from all around, and many exclamations of OW! are heard. One woman actually faints due to sympathy labor pains. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, “Say, you’re the father of that typical Texas baby that weighed twenty-five pounds at birth. Everybody’s been makin’ bets about how big he’d be in two weeks. We were gonna call you. So how much does he weigh now?” The proud father answers, “Seventeen pounds.” The bartender is puzzled and concerned. “What happened? He already weighed twenty-five pounds the day he was born.” The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender, and proudly says, “Had him circumcised.”

5. A tourist in Las Vegas cocktail lounge:

After a tourist had been served in the Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said, “Miss, would y’all give me a piece uh ass?” “Lord, that’s the most direct proposition I’ve ever had!” gasped the girl. Then she smiled and added, “Sure, why not? It’s pretty slow here right now, so let’s go!” When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table, and the waitress asked, “Will there be anything else?” “Yes,” replied the tourist. “Where ah come from in Arkansas, we lack our bourbon ’n watuh cold, so ah still need a piece uh ass for mah drink.’”

6. Two women out on the town returning stop to pee in the cemetery:

Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway. The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded them. The second not finding anything either thought, “I’m not getting rid of my panties!” So she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself. The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one said to the other, “We have to be on the lookout. It seems that these two were up to no good last night. My wife came home without her panties.” The other one responded, “You’re lucky. Mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that read, ‘We will never forget you.’”

7. Prisoner escapes and breaks into house:

A prisoner escapes from prison where he had been kept for fifteen years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, and ties up the woman to the bed, and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom. While he is there, the husband tells his wife, “Listen, this guy is a prisoner. Look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck. ‘If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Just do what he tells you. Give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous. If he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.” To which the wife responds, “He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too.”

8. Man wants to replace rooster he killed with car:

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man somewhat nervously said, “I think I killed your rooster. Please allow me to replace him.” “Suit yourself,” the farmer replied. “The hens are ’round back.”

9. “Crushed nuts or arthritis?”:

An old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor, pulled himself slowly, and painfully onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, “Crushed nuts?” “No,” he replied, “arthritis.”

10. Cowboy outfit. Asks wife: “What’s different?”:

An elderly couple, San and Bessie, are “snowbirds” in Arizona. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some one day, he buys them and wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?” Bessie looks him over. “Nope.” Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks a little louder this time, “Notice anything different now?” Bessie looks up and says, “And what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down tomorrow.” Furious, Sam yells, “And do you know why it’s hanging down, Bessie?! It’s hanging down because it’s looking at my new boots!” To which Bessie replies, “Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Ya shoulda bought a hat.”

11. Scantily clad woman retrieves raisin bread high up a ladder in bakery:

A bakery owner hires an attractive female clerk. This particular day she comes to work dressed in a short skirt and thong. A young man enters the store and glances at the clerk and then at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. “I’d like some raisin bread please.” The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost beneath her is provided with an opportune view, just as he surmised. Once she descends the ladder, he muses that he really should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, another male customer notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he too can partake of the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer, and each, in turn, asks for raisin bread. After many trips she is tired, irritated, and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd gazing up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, “Is yours raisin, too?” “No,” stammers the old man, “but it’s a quiverin’.”

12. “Memories!” Eighty-seven-year-old woman shouts from back of church:

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said, “Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind. The pastor shouted out, “Cross.” Immediately, the congregation started singing in unison, “The old rugged cross.” The pastor hollered out, “Grace.” The congregation began to sing, “Amazing Grace how sweet the sound.” The pastor said, “Power.” The congregation sang, “There is power in the blood.” The pastor said, “Sex.” The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything. Then, all of a sudden, way from the back of the church, a little eightyseven-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing, “Precious memories.” Ya gotta love those little old ladies.

13. Pecker gets harder when you’re away from home:

A Hawaiian woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Hawaiian woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Canadian woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe. The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a Canadian tree that was absolutely unpeckable. The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. After flying to Canada, the Hawaiian woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem. The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in his own country? After much wood-peckering, they both came to the same conclusion. Your pecker is always harder when you’re away from home.

14. Cowboy’s huge boots:

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she’d ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it’s true what they say about men with big feet. The cowboy grinned and said, “Shore is, little lady. Why don’t you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?” The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, “Well, thankee, ma’am. Ah’m real flattered. Ain’t nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.” “Don’t be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.”

15. Dentist tells patient how rubber gloves are made in China. But she wonders about how condoms are made:

Dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves. “Do you know how they make these gloves?” he asked. “No, I don’t,” she replied. “Well,” he spoofed, “there’s a building in China with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves, and throw them into boxes of the right size.” She didn’t crack a smile. “Oh, well, I tried,” he thought. But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing. “What’s so funny?” he asked. “I was just picturing how condoms are made!” she said. Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working.

16. Woman makes money with clippers when football fans pee in bushes:

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There’s a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her and says, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.” “Damn!” says the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!” “Well, now, not so fast,” says the cop. “How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?” “Oh, no,” says the little old lady. “You see, my backyard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there’s a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flowerbeds! “So I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say, ‘$20 or off it comes!’” “Hey, not a bad idea!” laughs the cop. “OK, good luck! By the way, what’s in the other bag?” “Well,” says the little old lady, “not all of them pay up.”

17. Teenage sex:

The mother of a seventeen-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful, and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then to talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying, “Oh, Mom, you don’t have to worry about that! I’m dating Susan!”

18. Fat man has not seen his own penis for a long time:

In the men’s room this morning, I was standing next to a very fat fellow at a urinal when suddenly, for no discernible reason, he confided in me that he hadn’t seen his penis in fifteen years. Not knowing why he suddenly decided to confide such personal information to a complete stranger and not knowing what else to say and wanting to be helpful, I said, “Why don’t you diet?” Giving me a surprised stare, he said, “Dye it? For God’s sake, what color is it now?”

19. Pancakes:

Brenda and Alvin took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.” The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. “Gee, Mom,” he exclaimed, “for me?” “Just take two,” Brenda replied. “The rest are for your father.”

20. The mailman who did not attend the wild party:

One Monday morning, a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes, he notices that both cars are in the driveway. His wonder is cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. “Wow, Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night?” the mailman comments. Bob, in obvious pain, replies, “Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun, and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk at midnight that we started playing ‘Who am I?’” The mailman thinks for a moment and says, “How do you play that?” “Well, all the guys go in the bedroom, and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our ‘privates’ showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.” The mailman laughs and says, “Damn, I’m sorry I missed that. “Probably a good thing you did,” Bob responds. “Your name came up seven times.”

21. Social Security sex:

Two men were talking. “So how’s your sex life?” “Oh, nothing special. I’m having Social Security sex.” “Social Security sex?” “Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!”

22. Camels for his wife:

As U.S. tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an imioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from. “America,” the husband replied. Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded. “She’s not from the States.” “Yes, I am,” said the wife. He looked at her and asked, “Is he your husband?” “Yes,” she replied. Turning to the husband, he offered, “I’ll give you hundred camels for her.” The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, “She’s not for sale.” After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, “I was trying to figure out how to get hundred camels back home.”

23. Confounded sex:

A man was in a terrible accident, and his “manhood” was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood but that his insurance wouldn’t cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for “small,” $6,500 for “medium,” and $14,000 for “large.” The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room and found the man looking dejected. “Well, what have the two of you decided?” asked the doctor. The man answered, “She’d rather remodel the kitchen.”

24. What a coincidence:

A chicken farmer goes to a local bar, sits next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne too!” “What a coincidence!” the farmer says. “This is a special day for me. I’m celebrating.” “This is a special day for me too. I’m also celebrating!” says the woman. “What a coincidence!” says the man. As they clink glasses, the farmer asks, “What are you celebrating?” “My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I’m pregnant!” “What a coincidence,” says the man. “I’m a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they’re finally laying fertilized eggs.” “That’s great!” says the woman, “How did your chickens become fertile?” “I used a different cock,” he replies. The woman smiles and says, “What a coincidence…”

25. Wedding anniversary sex:

A husband and his wife have a bitter quarrel on the day of their fortieth wedding anniversary. The husband yells, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads: ‘Here Lies My Wife—Cold As Ever.’” Yeah,” she replies, “when you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads: ‘Here Lies My Husband. Stiff At Last.’”

26. Women’s humorous sex:

My husband came home with a tube of K-Y jelly and said, “This will make you happy tonight.” He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn’t get back in.

27. Elderly sex (also filed under “Old People”):

One night an eighty-seven-year-old woman came home from bingo to find her ninety-two-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their twentieth floor “assisted living apartment,” killing him instantly. Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, “Yes, Your Honor, I figured that at ninety-two if he could have sex he could fly.”

28. Tie me up:

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. “Tie me up,” she purred, “and you can do anything you want.” So he tied her up and went golfing.

29. Golfer hit in crotch with ball and had his Willie crated up by doc:

A guy out on the golf course took a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said, “How bad is it, Doc? I’m going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way.” The doctor told him, “I’ll have to put your Willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be OK next week.” He took four tongue depressors, formed a neat little four-sided splint, and taped it all together. It was an impressive work of art. The guy mentioned none of this to his girl, married her, and went on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room, she ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, “You’re the first. No one has ever touched these.” He immediately dropped his pants and replied, “Look at this, still in the crate.

30. He catches her eye:

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,” she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterward they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh; she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They have a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been so incredible! “You know,” he says, “you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?” “No,” she replies. “You just happened to catch my eye.”

31. “My bike” (also filed under “Religious”):

A Catholic priest is about to finish his tour of duty and is leaving his mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them is how to speak English. So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, “This is a tree.” The chief looks at the tree and grunts, “Tree.” The priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther, and he points to a rock and says, “This is a rock.” Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, “Rock.” The priest is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The priest is really flustered and quickly responds, “Man riding a bike.” The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun, and kills them. The priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood? The chief replied, “My bike.”

32. Husband gently probes for remote control all over his wife’s body in bed:

One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped, and then returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time the woman was becoming aroused, and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed. “Why are you stopping, darling?” she whispered. He whispered back,” I found the remote!”

33. Wife at Home Depot buying a hinge was sidetracked by a beautiful faucet:

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife, Mary, to Home Depot. There, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer. When Walt was finished, Mary asked, “How much for that faucet?” Walt replied, “That’s pewter and it costs $300.” “My goodness, that sure is a lot of money!” Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it. From the back room Walt yelled, “Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?” Mary replied, “No, but I will for the faucet.” This is why you can’t send a woman to Home Depot.

34. Boy at nude beach asks mother about body parts on males and females:

A mother and father take their six-year-old son to a nude beach in Tampa. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother’s, so he asks his mother why. She tells her son, “The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.” The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does. She replies, “The bigger they are, the dumber the man is.” Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play. Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again and promptly tells his mother, “Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.”

35. “Sex with a goat or a ghost?”:

A professor at the University of Florida was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asked, “How many people here believe in ghosts?” About ninety students raise their hands. “Well, that’s a good start,” said the professor. “Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?” About forty students raised their hands. “That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?” About fifteen students raised their hands. “Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?” Three students raised their hands. “That’s fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further. Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?” Way in the back, Bubba raised his hand. The professor took off his glasses and said, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.” The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room the professor asked, “So, Bubba, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost?” Bubba replied, “Shiiiit! From way back there I thought you said goats!”

36. Results of recent research show that there are seven kinds of sex:

The first kind of sex is called Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face. The second kind of sex is called Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen. The third kind of sex is called Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom. The fourth kind of sex is called Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you each other in the hallway you both say “screw you.” The fifth kind of sex is called Religious Sex. This means you get nun in the morning, nun in the afternoon, and nun at night (very popular). The sixth kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your spouse any more. He/she takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone. And, last, but not least, the seventh kind of sex is called Social Security Sex. You get a little each month, but not enough to enjoy yourself.

37. An old sailor and the prostitute:

An old sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times’ sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He’s soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, “How am I doing?” The prostitute replies, “Well, old sailor, you’re doing about three knots.” “Three knots?” he asks. “What’s that supposed to mean?” She says, “You’re knot hard, you’re knot in, and you’re knot getting your money back.”

38. Fire extinguisher:

Dear Madam,

Thank you for your recent order from our sex toys website. You’ve requested the large red vibrator as featured on our wall display. Please select another item. That’s our fire extinguisher.

39. Rabbi describes disposition of foreskins in circumcisions:

At the end of the tax year, the tax office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books, he turned to the rabbi and said, “I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?” “Good question,” noted the rabbi. “We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.” “Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way to ask, “What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?” “Ah, yes,” replied the rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread wafers.” “I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-itall rabbi. “Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?” “Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the rabbi. “What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us out a complete prick.”

40. Mexican maid asks for a raise:

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked, “Now, Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”

Maria: “Well, Senora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze. The first is that I iron better than you.” Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?” Maria: “Jor huzban, he say so.” Wife: “Oh yeah?” Maria: “The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.” Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?” Maria: “Jor hozban did.” Wife increasingly agitated, “Oh he did, did he?” Maria: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.” Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth, “And did my husband say that as well?” Maria: “No, Senora, the gardener did.” Wife: “So how much do you want?”

41. Woodpeckers in the trees comparing notes:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, “Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?” The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, “Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?” The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, “It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.”

42. Ordering wine in a hillbilly bar:

A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north. The bartender says, “You ain’t from around here, are ya?” The guy says, “No, I’m from Canada.” The bartender says, “What do you do in Canada?” The guy says, “I’m a taxidermist.” The bartender says, “A taxidermist?” “What in tarnation is a taxidermist?” “Do you drive a taxi?” “No,” says the Canadian. “A taxidermist doesn’t drive a taxi. I mount animals.” The bartender grins and hollers, “It’s OK, boys. He’s one of us.”

43. No underwear:

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down. “Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!” he exclaimed. The old man slowly looked at him and said, “Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma’s idea!”

44. Schoolteachers on a field trip with kids:

A group of year three primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Ascot races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the male toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their underpants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn’t help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, “You must be in the fourth?” “No, love,” he replied. “I’m riding Silver Arrow in the 2:15.”

45. A salesman in divorce proceedings against his wife:

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife. “Please describe,” said his attorney, “the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife’s fidelity.” “Well, I’m pretty much on the road all week,” the man testified. “So naturally when I am home, I’m attentive to the wife. One Sunday morning, we were in the midst of some pretty heavy lovemaking when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, ‘Can’t you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?’”

46. Coffee and missing testicles gets man a government job.

A guy goes to the post office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?” He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.” “OK, have you ever been in the military service?” “Yes,” he says, “I was in Iraq for one tour.” The interviewer says, “That will give you five extra points toward employment.” Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?” The guy says, “Yes. A bomb exploded near me, and I lost both my testicles.” The interviewer grimaces and then says, “OK. You’ve got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 a.m., and plan on starting at 10:00 a.m. every day.” The guy is puzzled and asks, “If the work hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m., why don’t you want me here until 10:00 a.m.?” “Well, there’s no point in you being here because from 8 to 10 we drink coffee and screw around.

47. My private part died:

Old man, Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he was very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong. “Yes, Nurse Tracy, my private part died today, and I am very sad.” “Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.” The next day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his private part hanging out of his pajamas. He met Nurse Tracy. “Mr. Wallace,” she said, “please put your private part back inside your pajamas.” “But, Nurse Tracy, I can’t,” replied Mr. Wallace. “I told you yesterday that my private part died.” “Yes,” said Nurse Tracy, “you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?” “Well,” he replied, “today is the viewing.”

48. Man seeks help at pharmacy for permanent erection:

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to speak to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help him. The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. She assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism. He agreed and began by saying, “This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it.” The pharmacist said, “Just a minute. I’ll go talk to my sister.” Upon her return, she said, “We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is one-third ownership of the shop, a company car, and $3,000 a month living expenses.”

49. Nick is in the hospital:

Who in the hell is Nick? Well, Nick was the guy who got home late one night, and Rita, his wife, said, “Where the hell have you been?” Nick replied, “I was out getting a tattoo!” “A tattoo?” She frowned and asked, “What kind of tattoo did you get?” “I got a hundred-dollar bill on my privates,” he said proudly. “What the hell were you thinking?” she said, shaking her head in disgust. “Why on earth would a nice guy like you get a hundred-dollar bill tattooed on his privates?” “Well, for one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.” Now you know why Nick is in the hospital!

50. The Royal Ball and the perfect ‘ahss.’

A nobleman and his lovely partner, a royal duchess, were dancing at a royal ball. There were many of the royalty attending to beautiful Strauss’ waltzes. In the middle of one dance the duchess whispered in the nobleman’s ear that her valuable necklace broke and the various parts fell down the back of her dress. While still dancing, she asked him to reach down the back of her dress to retrieve the parts. In the middle of the dance floor while still dancing the nobleman was reaching inside of her dress down her back. He whispered in her ear that he needs to go much farther because he still didn’t find the pieces that fell. “Go further,” she said, “I must have those parts.” So he reached further and further. And then he noticed that everyone stopped dancing and were standing in a circle watching him and smirking. He suddenly became aware terribly embarrassed that ev eryone was watching him reaching into her dress so far. He then muttered in her ear, “Oh, deah, I feel a pahfect ahss.”

51. Playing smart poker:

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Les’s wife, Sue, wasn’t wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Les’s wife followed and asked, “Did you see anything that you like under there?” Surprised by her boldness, Jim itted that, well indeed he did. She said, “Well, you can have it, but it will cost you $500.” After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirmed that he was interested. Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday afternoons and Jim didn’t, Jim should be at her house around 2:00 p.m. Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les’s house at 2:00 p.m. sharp, and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500, they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. Jim quickly dressed and left. As usual, Les came home from golf at 6:00 p.m. And upon arriving, he asked his wife, “Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?” With a lump in her throat, Sue answered, “Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.” Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, “And did he give you $500?” Sue, using her best poker face, replied, “Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.”

Les, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, “He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he’d stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.” Now that, my friends, is a real poker player.

52. The evangelist and the double-crossing husband:

The sweet young thing was telling the evangelist that she had been sleeping in another bedroom since she had caught her husband sleeping with the neighbor. “It’s your duty to forgive him, my child,” intoned the minister as he patted her hand. She fell into his arms gently sobbing. “But,” he added, as his grip tightened, “how’d ya like to get even with the SOB first?”

53. Woman couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red:

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen, “What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?” The gentlemen responded, “Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.” Well, the woman was so impressed she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks, she flashed her garden hoping for the best. One day the gentleman was ing by and asked the woman, “By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?” “No,” she replied, “but my cucumbers are enormous.”

54. Language barrier. Itchy pussy:

A lady bought a large order of groceries, and when she reached the checkout she told the young checker that she would need some help to get them out to her car. The checker called for a carry-out boy, and a big, strapping, handsome young man came to carry out the groceries for the lady. On the way out, she developed the “hots” for this handsome young man and told him that she had an itchy pussy to which the young man replied that was nice. Then she told him that perhaps he did not hear what she said when she told him that she had an itchy pussy. He said, “Yes, ma’am, I heard you. It’s just that I don’t know one Japanese car from another.”

55. A farmer went to the movie with a pet rooster:

A farmer decided he wanted to go to town and see a movie. The ticket agent asked, “Sir, what’s that on your shoulder?” The old farmer said, “That’s my pet rooster, Chuck. Wherever I go, Chuck goes.” “I’m sorry, sir,” said the ticket agent. “We can’t allow animals in the theater.” The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed Chuck down his overalls. Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge. The movie started, and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie. “Marge,” whispered Mildred. “What?” said Marge. “I think the guy next to me is a pervert.” “What makes you think so?” asked Marge? “He undid his pants and he has his thing out,” whispered Mildred. “Well, don’t worry about it,” said Marge. “At our age we’ve seen ’em all.” “I thought so too,” said Mildred, “but this one’s eatin’ my popcorn… !”

56. My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian (also filed under “Animals”):

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was the hair in its ears, so he cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some “Nair” hair remover and rub in its ears once a month. The lady went to the chemist and got some “Nair” hair remover. At the , the chemist told her, “If you’re going to use this under your arms, don’t use deodorant for a few days.” The lady said, “I’m not using it under my arms.” The chemist said, “If you’re using it on your legs, don’t shave for a couple of days.” The lady said, “I’m not using it on my legs either; and if you must know, I’m using it on my Schnauzer.” The chemist said, “Stay off your bicycle for a week.”

57. A man knocked at the door of a house of a friend to repay a debt:

A man knocked at the door of a house of a friend. A woman of the house opened the door to see who was there. The man told her that he was Fred and he wanted to see her husband, Bill. She told him that her husband had gone to the store and should be back in a quarter of an hour. She said that he could come in if he wanted to wait for him. They started talking about a lot of things. He told her how beautiful she was and mentioned some more gallantries. He told her that he had hit it big at Las Vegas. “So you made a lot of money,” the woman said. “Oh yes,” he answered. “By the way,” he said, “I’ll give you hundred dollars if you show me one of your breasts.” The woman was naturally surprised and taken aback. Although embarrassed, she thought about the hundred dollars. She didn’t think long. She opened up her blouse and displayed one of her breasts much to his enjoyment. He gave her a hundred dollars and then said, “I’ll give you another hundred dollars if you show me the other breast too.” Unabashedly drooling over two hundred dollars, she flipped open her blouse and lifted the other breast out of the bra. He was immensely pleased and gave her the other hundred dollars. Then he said that he couldn’t wait any more for her husband to return and had to go. Shortly after he left, her husband returned. She told him that his friend Fred had been there, but he couldn’t wait any longer. So he left.

The husband said, “You know, that bastard owes me two hundred bucks!”

58. The freshmen engineering students on the human body design:

Three freshmen engineering students were sitting around one day arguing about who might have designed the first human body. The first one said, “It must have been a mechanical engineer. The human body has all those levers and pivots and stuff—a mechanical engineer must have designed all that.” The second one said, “No, it had to have been an electrical engineer. The complex way the nerves are wired up to the brain must have been designed by an electrical engineer.” Then the third one said, “No, it was a civil engineer. Who else would have run a waste water line through a recreational area?”

59. Sexual entrapment (also filed under “Religious”):

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says: “Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, 10 MILES.” He thinks it is just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign which says: “Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, 5 MILES,” and he realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying “Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, Next Right,” his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading “Sisters of Mercy.” He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, “What may we do for you, my son?” He answers, “I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.” “Very well, my son. Please follow me.” He is led through many winding ages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, knocks on it, and says, “Wait here, please.” And then she walks away. He does as he is told, and the door is soon answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a silver chalice. This nun instructs, “Please place $50 in the chalice, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway, closing it behind you.” The man fishes $50 out of his wallet, drops it in the chalice, and trots eagerly down the hall. He opens the door and slips through, pulling it shut behind him as instructed. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: “Go in peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy.”

60. When a good man and a wretch died:

There are two identical twin brothers. One lives a godly life; he is a good husband and father, a reputable businessman, and does a lot of community service. One is a hell-raiser; He is a drunk, unfaithful to wife, mean to kids, and cheats and lies. They both die at about the same time. The good twin is in heaven and can look down on the bad twin in hell. Hell is not as the good twin imagined. His brother is drinking and partying with lots of beautiful women, music, dancing, ionate kissing going on. The good twin sees St. Peter and says to him, “Mind you, I’m not complaining. This place is peaceful and beautiful, but my brother down there looks like he’s having the time of his life. He has his own beer keg, and just look at that gorgeous woman he is kissing.” St. Peter puts an arm on the man’s shoulder and says, “My son, all is not as it seems. The keg has a hole in it. The woman doesn’t.”

61. Jack and his erection cure:

Jack went to a urologist and told him that he was having a problem, that he was unable to get his penis erect. After a complete exam, the doctor told Jack that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that could be applicable if Jack was willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant’s trunk in Jack’s penis. Jack thought about it for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, Jack decided to go for it. A few weeks after the operation, Jack was given the green light to use his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure, Jack unzipped his fly and immediately his penis sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, and then returned to his pants. His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face, she said, “Jack, that was incredible. Can you do that again?” Jack, with his eyes watering, replied, “I think I can, but I’m not sure that I can fit another roll up my ass.”

62. Mortician wants to preserve an extra big private part (also filed under “Medical”):

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! “I’m sorry, Mr. Schwartz,” the mortician commented. “I can’t allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.” So he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. “I have something to show you won’t believe,” he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. “My god!” the wife exclaimed. “Schwartz is dead!”

63. A ninety year-old took Viagra and died (also filed under “Old People”):

Did you hear about the ninety-year-old man who decided to try one of those Viagra pills? He took it and died the next day. They had a hell of a time closing the coffin.

64. A couple of simple truths:

Simple Truth 1 Partners help each other undress before sex. However, after sex, they always dress on their own. Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you’re screwed.

Simple Truth 2 When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying “congrats.” But none of them come and touch the man’s penis and say “Good job.” Moral of the story: Hard work is never appreciated.

65. I found a flyer in my mail box.

The flyer was announcing that I can have sex at 83. I’m so happy, because I live at number 71. So it’s not too far to walk home afterwards. And it’s the same side of the street. I don’t even have to cross the road with my walker!

66. Sunday Morning Sex.

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just ed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.” Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. “Oh, no my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding, and out on the dong.” She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, “He’d still be alive if that fucking ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”

67. Lady reporter interviews farmer about Mad Cow Disease.

Lady reporter: I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease? Farmer: Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year? Reporter:(obviously embarrassed) Well, sir, that’s a new piece of information but what’s the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease? Farmer: Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day? Reporter: Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point? Farmer: I am getting to the point, Miss. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn’t you get mad?

68. While Richard was sunbathing naked at the beach in Jamaica…

While Richard was sunbathing naked at the beach in Jamaica, for the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts. A woman walks past and says, snickering, “If you were a gentleman you’d lift your hat.” He raised an eyebrow and replied, “If you were better looking it would lift itself.”

69. A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am? “About 32,” is the reply. “Nope! I’m exactly 50,” the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, “I’d guess about 29.” The woman replies with a big smile, “Nope, I’m 50.” Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, “Oh, I’d say 30.” Again she proudly responds, “I’m 50, but thank you!” While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, “Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.” They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, “What the hell, go ahead.” He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, “Okay, okay… . How old am I?”

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, “Madam, you are 50.” Stunned and amazed, the woman says, “That was incredible; how could you tell?” The old man says, “Promise you won’t get mad?” “I promise I won’t” she says. “I was behind you at McDonalds.”

70. The effect of money spent on Viagra and Alzheimer’s by year 2040.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Shaggy Dog Stories

(Ctrl + click to follow link. Alt + left arrow to return to index)

SD01. The ideal pet, the Arrarie. SD02. A centipede for a pet. SD03. Rudolph the Red knows rain. SD04. Hollandaise. SD05. The melting princess. SD06. The paper cowboy. SD07. Baby born as a “head” only. He had no torso. SD08. Hebrews. SD09. A very odd Indian tribe called “Indianippless.” SD10. A bitch at the bar. SD11. Two baskin’ robins (also filed in “Puns”). SD12. Desert love story. SD13. Battery saleswoman on the beach (also filed under “Puns”). SD14. Husband takes out large life insurance policy on wife and murders her.

1. The ideal pet, the Arrarie:

There was a young couple who had no children. They desperately wanted children, but they had no luck, so they decided to get a pet as a substitute. They headed for the local pet store. At the pet store, they saw an absolutely adorable and darling tiny creature. It was just the thing they wanted. They decided to buy it, but they did not know what it was. The pet store owner said it was an Arrarie. They had never heard of it, but the store owner said that it was a very, very rare animal. He said that it would grow a bit, but he was not sure how much. He had only one and he had no history of previous owners. As a matter of fact, it was the first one he had ever obtained. The couple simply fell in love with it. So they bought Arrarie (that was what they called it) and took the pet home. It was so small that he could carry it in his pocket. They had a gorgeous time with it for days on end while it grew. Most of the time it slept on the bed with them. But it grew. It was such a darling pet. And it grew. They felt it was God’s gift to them since they were childless. The pet kept growing. But they loved the pet. It was questionable how long they could allow it to sleep on their bed with them because it was getting pretty big, too much like a large dog. They fixed up a spare bedroom just for their darling pet. It was big enough to justify a comfortable separate room and sleeping quarters. And it grew some more. It was good that they had the extra bedroom. It sure came in handy. It was like having a second bedroom for a child out of the crib stage. But in time, the childless couple had some continuing and growing concern about its increasing size. It was not their original intention to have such a big pet. It was simply a darling though. It was so sweet and such good natured it was even better than a child who at times can be a brat, at least initially. And it grew and it grew. The room assigned for the pet, Arrarie, was getting to be too small for Arrarie. They were worried that they might not get it out of the room if it grew any more. Yes, it grew that big. There was no sign it would stop growing. Taking care of its bodily needs was a growing problem too. They

researched a website on pets and animals to see if they could ascertain how much bigger such a pet might become eventually. But there was absolutely nothing, absolutely nothing at all. They had nothing to identify it as a species. So after some discussion, they made the painful decision to move it to the garage. They absolutely had to move it because it was so large. They fixed up an area in the garage that was very comfortable. They fixed up a sleeping area and a feeding area. It used a cat litter box. They needed three of them, however. Then four of them. It was pretty big. And it grew even more. They hired some help to move it to the garage. They barely got it through the door from the house to the garage. There was ample room in the garage. They felt comfortable that they could always move it out of the garage through the large garage door. And it grew, and grew some more. The food bill used up a bigger and bigger portion of their budget. The food bill for Arrarie was more than their own food bill. It was the effort to clean up the droppings in the many litter boxes. It was the size, the cost, and the maintenance problem that finally drove them to the ultimate decision about what to do with Arrarie. One day, the couple sat down at the kitchen table, had breakfast, and discussed the pet, Arrarie, which now was rapidly progressing to be a real big problem. They both agreed that it was just too big to be a pet, just too big to afford the expense of feeding, just too big to take care of its other bodily needs, and even too big to fit in the garage with the car. The car had to be parked in the driveway. Belatedly, they reasoned that a foster child would have been far better, even if it was a brat occasionally. All these factors led them to the painful decision to do something really serious, but what? After a lot of discussion in private, they decided to simply get rid of it. It sounded horrible to say “get rid of it.” It was sacrilegious. It was a brutal decision and they knew it. They felt terribly guilty about the decision. There was absolutely no hope of giving it to anyone or donating it to charity or to a pet store. Nobody would want such a big expensive pet no matter how adorable. It was like secretly plotting the slaying of your own child. They felt great remorse. But they realized this was a pet that simply went out of control, and they had no choice but to just get rid of it. So they rented a big truck, not a pickup. It was a dump truck. It had hydraulic

controls to hoist the bed so as to be able to unload the contents of the truck bed, somewhere. They hired some local laborers who always looked for work at the corner of the commercial district about a half mile away. They paid the laborers to keep their mouths shut about their task. They were instructed to come to their house in the dark of the night, around midnight. Using harnesses, hoists, and a hell of lot of man muscle power, they finally got Arrarie on the truck. Arrarie looked apprehensive, adding to the owners’ guilt. But they persisted. The worker tied it down and covered it with a tarp. Arrarie looked worried and was plaintive as it was covered. Oh, they felt so guilty. They certainly didn’t want any of the neighbors to see that they were going to get rid of a pet. They had to be furtive, secretive. After paying off the laborers and getting their assurances that they would be quiet, in the quiet of the night, stealthily, with the truck lights turned off, they drove away from the neighborhood to blocks away where they could turn on the lights. Then they headed for Palos Verdes Peninsula where the cliffs overlook the Pacific Ocean. It was still dark when they arrived in Palos Verdes. They drove around a bit until they found their way toward a high cliff that overlooked the Pacific Ocean and the rocks below. They could hear the roar of the waves crashing on the huge rocks below. They looked at one another. She had tears running down her cheeks. He had a few too, but his countenance was grim. They felt like conspirators to a horrible crime. He backed the truck carefully to the edge of the cliff. They made sure that no one was around. It was very early in the morning and very dark. There were no street lights either. They got out and removed the tarp and untied the Arrarie. While she stood at the back of the truck, the husband operated the controls and started operating the hydraulic lifts which lifted the bed of the truck. The mechanism groaned under the heavy load. And then Arrarie, tearfully and sorrowfully, started to slip over the edge of the truck. And just as it was about to fall out of the truck bed off the cliff, it looked at the tearful wife and said sorrowfully, “It’s a long, long way to Tipparrarie.”

2. A centipede for a pet:

This guy was lonely and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, “Would you like to go to Frank’s with me and have a beer?” But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, “How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?” But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede’s house and shouting, “Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank’s place and have a drink with me?” A little voice came out of the box, “I heard you the first time! I’m putting on my shoes.”

3. Rudolph the Red knows rain:

A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night when the man felt a drop hit his nose. “I think it is raining,” he said to his wife. “No, that felt more like snow to me,” she replied. “No, I am sure it was just rain,” he said. Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them. “Let’s not fight about it,” the man said. “Let’s ask Comrade Rudolph whether it is officially raining or snowing.” As the official approached, the man said, “Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?” “It is raining, of course,” he replied, and walked on. But the woman insisted, “I know that felt like snow!” To which the man quietly replied, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

4. Hollandaise:

A man goes to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, “That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?” The man replies, “All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious, Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything, meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything.” “Well,” says the dentist, “that’s probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It’s eaten away your upper plate. I’ll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome.” “Why chrome?” asks the patient. To which the dentist replies, “It’s simple. Everyone knows that there’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!”

5. The melting princess:

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess. But the kingdom was a sad place. There was no laughter and no joy. The problem was that everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what—metal, wood, anything she touched would melt! Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his beautiful daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, “If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.” The King was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man who could bring his daughter an object that would not melt at her touch would marry her and inherit the king’s wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge. The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. When the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly. The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond was the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But, alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too went away disappointed. The third prince approached. He told the princess, “Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.” The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand… and it did not melt! The king was overjoyed! Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed! And the third prince married the princess, and the both lived happily ever after. What was the object in the prince’s pocket? They were M&M’s, of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand!

6. The paper cowboy:

A tall, weather-worn cowboy walked into the saloon and ordered a beer. The regulars quietly observed the drifter through half-closed eyelids. No one spoke, but they all noticed that the stranger’s hat was made of brown wrapping paper. Less obvious was the fact that his shirt and vest were also made of paper, as were his chaps, pants, and even his boots, including the paper spurs. Even the saddle, blanket, and bridle on his horse were made entirely of paper. Of course, he was soon arrested for rustling…

7. Baby born as a “head” only. No torso:

A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms, or legs. The son is just a head! But the father loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and comion. After twenty-one years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent, then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, “Take another drink!” The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild, but the bartender is clearly disapproving. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, “Take another drink!” The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands, he reaches down, grabs his drink, and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left… then to the right… right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, “That boy should have quit while he was a head.”

8. Hebrews:

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, “You should do it because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.” The husband said, “You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.” Wife replied, “No, you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.” Husband replied, “I can’t believe that. Show me.” So she fetched the Bible, opened the New Testament, and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed said “Hebrews.”

9. A very odd Indian tribe called “Indianippless:”

A young native American woman from a very odd Indian tribe went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, “Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice one anomaly, however.” “Oh, and what is that, Doctor?” “Well, you have no nipples.” “None of the people in my tribe have nipples,” she replied. “That is amazing,” said the doctor. “I’d like to write this up for the South Carolina Journal of Medicine if you don’t mind.” She said, “OK.” “First of all,” asked the doctor, “how many people are in your tribe?” She answered, “Approximately five hundred.” “And what is the name of your tribe?” asked the doctor. Running Doe replied, “We are called The Indiannippleless Five Hundred!”

10. A bitch at the bar:

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana, and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, “We don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Billings.” The bear becomes angry and demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, “We don’t serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings.” The bear, very angry now, says, “If you don’t serve me a beer, I’m going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.” The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings.” The bear goes to the end of the bar and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs.” The bear says, “I’m not on drugs.” The bartender says, “You are now. That was a barbitchyouate!”

11. Two baskin’ robins (also filed in “Puns”):

“I’m really hungry,” said the first one. “Let’s fly down and find some lunch.” They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more. “I’m so full I don’t think I can fly back up into the tree,” said the first one. “Let’s just lie back here and bask in the warm sun,” said the second. “OK,” said the first. So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep when a big fat tomcat came up and gobbled them up. As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, “I just love Baskin Robins.”

12. Desert love story:

Once upon a time there was a very handsome male camel with two huge camel humps. He fell in love and married a beautiful female camel who had one perfect camel hump. As time progressed, they became the proud parents of a wonderful baby camel who had no humps. They contemplated long and hard on what to call their beautiful little boy. They finally decided on. “Humphrey!”

13. Battery saleswoman on the beach (also filed under “Puns”):

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, and then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively, and she would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod, and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure, they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks, the wife said, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?” He hadn’t—and said so. Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.” Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. “Well, is she selling drugs?” his wife asked excitedly. “No, she’s not,” he said, enjoying the suspense probably more than he should have. “Well, what is it then? What does she do?” his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said, “She’s a battery salesperson.” “Batteries?” questioned the wife. “Yes,” he replied.

Her husband continued, “Her name is Sally.” His wife, yelling now said, “What is it all about?” He calmly said, “She just sells C-cells by the seashore.”

14. Husband takes out large life insurance policy on wife and murders her.

Being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed. A ‘friend of a friend’ put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of ‘Artie.’ Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $10,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn’t have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife’s insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed. A few days later, Artie followed the man’s wife to the local Wal-Mart supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol’ Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop’s security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested. The next day in the headline in the newspaper declared..” ‘ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 at Wal-Mart.”

Signs

Sign over a gynecologist’s office: “Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

In a podiatrist’s office: “Time wounds all heels.”

On a septic tank truck: “Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels.”

At a proctologist’s door: “To expedite your visit, please back in.”

At an optometrist’s office:

“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, You’ve come to the right place.”

On a plumber’s truck:

“We repair what your husband fixed.”

On another plumber’s truck: “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

On a church’s billboard: “7 days without God makes one weak.”

At a tire shop in Milwaukee: “Invite us to your next blowout.”

At a towing company: “We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”

On an electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”

In a non-smoking area: “If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”

On a maternity room door:

“Push. Push. Push.”

On a taxidermist’s window: “We really know our stuff.”

On a fence: “Salesmen, welcome! Dog food is expensive!”

At a car dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet Miss a car payment.”

Outside a muffler shop: “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

In a veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in five minutes. Sit! Stay!”

At the electric company “We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don’t, you will be.”

In a restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry; Come on in and get fed up.”

In the front yard of a funeral home: “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

At a propane filling station: “Thank heaven for little grills.”

And don’t forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop: “Best place in town to take a leak.”

Sign on the back of another septic tank truck: “Caution—this truck is full of political promises.”

Smart Blonde

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SB01. A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher. SB02. A trucker came into a truck stop café and placed his order. SB03. A wealthy, smart blonde parks her car cheaply and gets loan at same time. SB04. Lawyer versus the blonde making a deal on a flight (also filed under “Lawyers and Legal”). SB05. A young blonde woman was pulled over for speeding.

1. A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher:

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, “The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the two by four just above where the cow’s stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?” The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows, and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, “This is the one right here.” The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, “Tell me, lady, ’cause I’m dying to know. How would you know that this is the right cow to be bred?” “That’s simple,” she said. “By the nail that’s over its stall,” she explains very confidently. Laughing rudely at her, the man says, “And what, pray tell, is the nail for?” The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, “I guess it’s to hang your pants on.”

2. A trucker came into a truck stop café and placed his order:

A trucker came into a truck stop café and placed his order. He said, “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights, and a pair of running boards.” The brand-new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights, and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is? An auto parts store?” “No,” the cook said. “Three flat tires mean three pancakes; a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and a pair of running boards are two slices of crisp bacon! “Oh… OK!” said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, “What are the beans for, Blondie?” She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights, and running boards, you might as well gas up!”

3. A wealthy, smart blonde parks her car cheaply and gets loan at same time:

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?” The blonde replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”

4. Lawyer versus the blonde making a deal on a flight (also filed under “Lawyers and Legal”):

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5 and vice versa.” Again she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, “OK, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $50!” He figures that since she is a blonde he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde’s attention, and figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a fivedollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now it’s the blonde’s turn. She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?” The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows, all to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, so what is the answer!?” Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

5. Oregon State Police pulls over Blonde for speeding.

A young Blonde woman was pulled over for speeding. An Oregon State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said, “I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper’s Ball.” He replied, “Oregon State Troopers don’t have balls.” There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, tipped his hat, got back in his patrol car and left.

Southern Way of Looking at Things

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SW01. Louisiana. SW02. Mississippi. SW03. North Carolina (also filed under “Puns”). SW04. Tennessee. SW05. Texas. SW06. Billy Bob. SW07. Wins boat and goes fishing in field. SW08. Insurance on wooden leg. SW09. A looker sees two men in store about to open (also filed in “Embarrassing Moments”).

1. Louisiana:

A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying, “When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana.” When asked why, he replied, “I’d rather be in Louisiana ’cause everything happens in Louisiana twenty years later than in the rest of the world.”

2. Mississippi:

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, “Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!” Bubba replied, “Did y’all see who it was?” The young man answered, “I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number.”

3. North Carolina (also filed under “Puns”):

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A erby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, “I got a flat tahr.” The erby asked, “But what’s with the flowers?” The man responded, “When you break down they tell you to put ‘flares’ in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.”

4. Tennessee:

A Tennessee state trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, “Got any ID?” The driver replied, “’Bout whut?”

5. Texas:

The sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading the garbage out of his pickup into the ditch. The sheriff asked, “Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head?” “Yep,” he replied. “That’s why I’m dumpin’ it here ’cause it says: ‘Fine for Dumping Garbage.’” (Y’all kin say whut y’all want about the South, but y’all never heard o’ nobody retirin’ an’ movin’ North.)

6. Billy Bob:

Cletus is ing by Billy Bob’s hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere. Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay. Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, “What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?” “Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me,” says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. “But me’n the ol’ lady been havin’ trouble lately in the bedroom d’partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.” Don’t make me come ‘splain this to you.

7. Wins boat and goes fishing in field:

A good ole Arkansas boy wins a bass boat in a raffle drawing. He brings it home, and his wife looks at him and says, “What you gonna do with that? There ain’t no water deep enough to float a boat within hundred miles of here.” He says, “I won it and I’m a gonna keep it.” His brother comes over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks where his brother is. She says, “He’s out there in his bass boat,” pointing to the field behind the house. The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother sitting in a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand down in the middle of a big field. He yells out to him, “What are you doing?” His brother replies, “I’m fishin’. What does it look like I’m a doing?” His brother yells, “It’s people like you that give people from Arkansas a bad name, makin’ everybody think we is stupid. If I could swim, I’d come out there and whip your ass.”

8. Insurance on wooden leg:

When they arrived in Kentucky, they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg. The agent looked it up on the computer and said, “$39.” The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Kentucky to insure it because it cost him $2000 in Indiana! The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, “Well, here it is on the screen. It says, “Any wooden structure with a sprinkler system above it is $39.’ You just have to know how to describe it!’”

9. A looker sees two men in store about to open (also filed in “Embarrassing Moments”):

Two businessmen in New York are sitting down for a break in their soon-to-beopened new store. As yet, the store isn’t ready—only a few shelves are set up. One says to the other, “I’ll bet any minute now some tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.” No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious fellow walks to the window, has a peek, and in a southern drawl asks, “What’re y’all sellin’ here?” One of the men replies, “Oh! We’re selling assholes here.” Without skipping a beat, the southern fellow says, “Well, I see y’all doing really good. You only got two left!”

Sports

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SP01. Hang glider shot. SP02. Golfer loses ball and finds stuck in cow’s butt. SP03. Golf quips by famous players. SP04. Therapist, a golfer, aids golfer thought to have been hit in crotch by ball. SP05. Young man teaching his gal golf. SP06. Golf or sex life (also filed under “Religious”). SP07. Golfer accidentally overturned his cart on his wife.

1. Hang glider shot:

Once upon a time there is this guy who buys a hang glider and takes it out to the mountains to fly it. He is cruising along a few hundred feet above the treetops when he spots these two hunters down below. He hollers and waves at them, trying to be sociable. Suddenly the hunters look up, and they both fire their double barrel shotguns at him. When the hang glider is out of sight, one of the hunters turns to the other and says “What kinda bird you reckon that was?” The other hunter replies, “I don’t rightly know, but I think we hit it.” “How’s that?” “You saw how fast he dropped that man he was caring, didn’t ya?

2. Golfer loses ball and finds stuck in cow’s butt:

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asked him, “What happened to you?” “Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them, and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the cows had something white on its rear. I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it—stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. Still holding the cow’s tail up, I yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!’ I don’t much after that.”

3. Golf quips by famous players:

“These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.” (Sam Snead)

“I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool.” (George Brett)

“Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that.” (Jim Murray)

“The only sure rule in golf is: ‘he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie.’” (Mickey Mantle)

“Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you’re not good at them.” (Kevin Costner)

“I don’t fear death, but I sure don’t like those three-footers for par.”

(Chi Chi Rodriguez)

“After all these years, it’s still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.” (Chi Chi Rodriguez)

“The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree.” (Brian Weis)

“Swing hard in case you hit it.” (Dan Marino)

“My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered.” (Lord Robertson)

“Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.” (Jack Benny)

“There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground.”

(Ben Hogan)

“Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20 percent of the time, you’re the best.” (Jack Nicklaus)

“The uglier a man’s legs are, the better he plays golf. It’s almost a law.” (H. G. Wells)

“I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course. (Billy Graham)

“If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play at it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.” (Bob Hope)

“While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.” (Henny Youngman)

“If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.” (Jack Lemmon)

“You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.” (Lee Trevino)

“I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.” (Lee Trevino)

4. Therapist, a golfer, aids golfer thought to have been hit in crotch by ball:

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground, and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: “Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist, and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d just allow me!” she told him earnestly. “Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side; she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage his crotch. She then asked him, “How does that feel?” To which he replied, “It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!”

5. Young man teaching his gal golf:

Young fella and his gal are on the first tee. He’s gonna teach her how to play golf, so he wraps his arms around her to show her how to swing, and the caddy says, “hey, boss, yer fly is open.” Young fella says to his gal, “just stand still and I’ll zip ’er up.” Well, he gets his zipper halfway up, and it gets stuck in her tight skirt. Try as he might he can’t get it unstuck. So he whispers in her ear that they should walk in step around behind the clubhouse and work it out. Off they go left, right, left, right, but they’re really stuck together! When they get behind the clubhouse, a great big shaggy dog throws a bucket of water on them!

6. Golf or sex life (also filed under “Religious”):

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. “Boy, I’d give anything to sink this putt,” the golfer mumbles to himself. Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, “Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?” Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, “Sure,” and sinks the putt. Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, “Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one.” The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, “Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?” Shrugging, the golfer replies, “OK.” And he makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, “Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?” “Definitely,” the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle. As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, “I haven’t really been fair with you because you don’t know who I am. I’m the devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life.” “Nice to meet you,” the golfer replies. “I’m Father O’ Malley.”

7. Golfer accidentally overturned his cart.

Elizabeth, a ‘beautiful’ real golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course heard the noise and yelled over to him. “Hey, are you okay, what’s your name?” “Willis,” he replied. “Willis forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest up and I’ll help you get the cart up later.” “That’s mighty nice of you,” Willis answered, “but I don’t think my wife would like it.” “Aw come on,” Elizabeth insisted. She was very pretty and persuasive. “Well okay,” Willis finally agreed, and added, “but my wife won’t like it.” After a hearty drink and sexy driving and putting lessons, Willis thanked his host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be real upset.” “Don’t be foolish!” Elizabeth said with a smile, she won’t know any thing. By the way, where is she?” “Under the cart.

Tasteless

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TA01. Airsick flyer pukes on a big enger. TA02. Handicapped vet meets another (man) dragging his foot. TA03. Sheep don’t lie. Dog and horse talk to cowboy. TA04. Two-line sarcastic rhymes. TA05. The origin of a Christmas tradition. TA06. A woman gets on a bus holding her baby. TA07. A gum-chewing American. TA08. “Where are lawyers born?” (also filed in “Lawyers and Legal”). TA09. The little old lady with much money to deposit (also filed in “Lawyers and Legal”). TA10. The rectum stretcher fisherman and the patrolman. TA11. When the pope and Clinton died at the same time (also filed under “Political”). TA12. Waiter efficiency scheme requires two spoons in pocket for emergency. TA13. A whale of a story.

1. Airsick flyer pukes on a big enger:

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him. The huge man glares threateningly at his neighbor, crowds the little guy so much that he’s flattened against the window, and immediately falls asleep. After the plane takes off, the little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he’s afraid to wake up the big guy to ask if he can go to the bathroom. After a few attempts, he realizes that he can’t climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do. Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket, and an uncontrollable wave of nausea es over the little fellow. He just can’t hold it in any longer and finally pukes all over the big guy’s chest. About five minutes later, the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him. “So,” the little guy says brightly, “are you feeling better now?”

2. Handicapped vet meets another (man) dragging his foot:

A handicapped Vietnam vet is limping down the street, dragging his right foot behind him. He looks up and sees another guy about his age walking toward him. The guy is also dragging his right foot. Another disabled Joe! The vet walks up to him, grabs him by the hand, and says, “Mekong Delta, 1969.” The other guy looks him square in the face and says, “Dog shit, five minutes ago.”

3. Sheep don’t lie. Dog and horse talk to cowboy:

A cowboy meets an Indian herding sheep in the Black Hills.

Cowboy: “Nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?” Indian: “Dog no talk.”

Cowboy: “Hey, dog, how’s it going?” Dog: “Doin’ all right.”

Indian: (Look of shock!)

Cowboy: “Is this Indian your owner… ?” (Pointing at the Indian.) Dog: “Yep.”

Cowboy: “How does he treat you?” Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”

Indian: (Look of total disbelief.)

Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your horse?” Indian: “Horse no talk.”

Cowboy: “Hey, horse, how’s it going?” Horse: “Cool.”

Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)

Cowboy: “Is this your owner?” Horse: “Yep.”

Cowboy: “How’s he treat you?” Horse: “Pretty good. Thanks for asking. He rides me, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather.”

Indian: (Look of total amazement!)

Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?” Indian: “Sheep lie.”

4. Two-line sarcastic rhymes:

These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a two-line rhyme with the most romantic first line and the least romantic second line.

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you has screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming. That’s why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving, and hot, This describes everything you are not.

I thought that I could love no other —that is until I met your brother…

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl’s empty, and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace, But don’t take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes. Damn! I’m good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away. What have you stepped in to smell this way?

What inspired this amorous rhyme? Two parts vodka, one part lime.

5. The origin of a Christmas tradition:

Not long ago and not far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual Christmas Eve trip. But there were problems everywhere right from the start. Four of the elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where, which meant more stress. And then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards on the sleigh cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground, scattering all the toys. So frustrated was Santa that he went into the house for a cup of coffee and for a big shot of whisky. To his dismay, he found that the elves had hit the liquor cupboard and there was absolutely nothing there to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffeepot breaking it into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang. Santa cussed all the way to the door. When he opened the door, he saw a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. And the angel said, “Santa, where would you like to put this Christmas tree?” And that, my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

6. A woman gets on a bus holding her baby:

“That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen,” says the bus driver. In a huff, the woman slams her fare into the box and takes an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her senses her agitation and asks what’s wrong. “The bus driver insulted me!” she shouts. The man replies, “Well, he’s a public servant and shouldn’t say things to insult engers!” You’re right,” says the woman. “I think I’ll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind!” “That’s a good idea,” the man replies. “Here, let me hold your monkey.”

7. The gum-chewing American:

A gum-chewing American and a Frenchman are sitting together in a restaurant. The American feels really proud to be an American, so he starts a conversation. He asks the Frenchman, “When you eat bread, do you eat all of it?” “Mais oui! Of course!” responds the Frenchman. “Well,” says the American, “we only eat the soft part of it. The rest we collect in containers, take to a factory, and put through a mill. What comes out are little breads that we sell in . And what about steaks? Do you eat all parts of them?” “Bien sur! We do,” replies the Frenchman. “You don`t say!” says the America, grinning. “We don`t! We only eat the meaty part of the steak. The greasy part we collect in containers, take to a factory, put through a mill, and what comes out are little steaks that we sell in .” Now the Frenchman is really riled. So he asks, “And what do Americans do with their used condoms?” “Hey, we throw them away, of course,” says the American. “Ha!” exclaims the Frenchman. “We collect them in containers, take them to a factory, and put them through a mill. What comes out is chewing gum that we sell in America!”

8. “Where are lawyers born?” (also filed in “Lawyers and Legal”):

A man was having trouble with his sexual life. His wife wasn’t getting any pleasure when having normal sex with him. So they tried anal sex, and she liked it! She liked it so much they stopped having normal sex. He was really worried because he didn’t know if that was all right so he took her to the doctor. The doctor told them that it was perfectly normal, but she should start worrying about birth control. She replied, “But, Doc, can I get pregnant having anal sex?” The doctor replied, “Of course! Where do you think lawyers come from?”

9. The little old lady with much money to deposit (also filed in “Lawyers and Legal”):

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings because she said, “It’s a lot of money!” After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president’s office. (The customer is always right!) The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, “$165,000!” and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, “Ma’am, I’m surprised you’re carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?” The old lady replied, “I make bets.” The president then asked, “Bets? What kind of bets?” The old woman said, “Well, for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.” “Ha!” laughed the president. “That’s a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!” The old lady challenged, “So would you like to take my bet?” “Sure,” said the president. “I’ll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!” The little old lady then said, “OK, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. as a witness?” “Sure!” replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again.

He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet, “$25,000 says the president’s balls are square!” The president agreed with the bet again, and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. “Well, OK,” said the president. “$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.” Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, “What the hell’s the matter with your lawyer?” She replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 a.m. today, I’d have the Bank of Canada’s president’s balls in my hand.”

10. The rectum stretcher fisherman and the patrolman:

Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day out on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the enger side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding… Wouldn’t you know? A cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen. The cop walked up to the window and said, “You know how fast you were going, Boy?” Bob thought for a second and said, “Uhh, 60?” “67 mph, son! 67 mph in a 55 zone!” said the cop. “But if you already knew, Officer,” replied Bob, “why did you ask me?” Fuming over Bob’s answer, the officer growled, in his normal sarcastic fashion, “That’s speeding, and you are getting a ticket and a fine!” The cop took a good look at Bob in his stained fishing attire and said, “You don’t even look like you have a job! Why, I’ve never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!” Bob answered, “I have a job! I have a good, well-paying job!” The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob’s fish catch, and said, “What kind of a job would a bum like you have?” “I’m a rectum stretcher!” replied Bob. “What you say, Boy?” asked the patrolman. “I’m a rectum stretcher!” The cop, scratching his head, asked, “What does a rectum stretcher do?”

Bob explained, “People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one hand, then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it’s a full six feet across.” The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, “What the hell do you do with a six-foot asshole?” Bob nonchalantly answered, “You give him a radar gun and stick him at the end of a bridge!”

11. When the pope and Clinton died at the same time (also filed under “Political”):

The story goes that the pope and Clinton died at the same time, but there was a weird mix-up. The pope went to hell and Clinton went to heaven. The mistake was soon discovered, and the pope was sent to heaven and Clinton was sent to hell. On the way, they ran into each other. They stopped to chat, and Clinton asked the pope what he would like to see in heaven. The pope said that he would like to meet the Virgin Mary. “Too bad,” said Clinton. “You’re too late.”

12. Waiter efficiency scheme requires two spoons in pocket for emergency:

We noticed that all the waiters in this New York restaurant carried two spoons in their vest pocket. Naturally, we were curious. We asked a waiter why. “As a result of an efficiency study by the management, it was determined that the most frequently dropped silverware item was a spoon. Therefore, all the waiters carry two spoons so that the item can be instantly replaced.” As he was explaining that we noticed a string hanging out of the fly of his pants. So we asked about that. “Sir, that’s another efficiency study result. When we have to go to the bathroom, we use the string to pull ourselves out and aim. Therefore, we do not have to stop to wash our hands.” We replied, “I understand how you can get yourself out and aim, but how do you get yourself back in?” “Well,” replied the waiter, “I don’t know about the other guys, but I use the two spoons!”

13. A whale of a story:

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, “Let’s both swim under the ship and blow out of our airholes at the same time, and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.” They tried it—and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon, however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, “Let’s swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.” At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. “Look,” she said, “I went along with the blowjob, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen.”

Teaching Q and A

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TE01. Student test answers on GED exam from sixteen-year-olds. TE02. Student answers teacher’s questions.

1. Student test answers on GED exam from sixteen-year-olds:

Q. Name the four seasons. A. Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep, and canoeists.

Q. How is dew formed? A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans? A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow toward the moon because there is no water on the moon and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun s the fight.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on? A. If you are buying a house, they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections? A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q. What are steroids? A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. (Shoot yourself now. There is little hope.)

Q. What happens to your body as you age? A. When you get old, so do your bowels, and you get intercontinental.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A. He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A. Premature death.

Q. What is artificial insemination? A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour? A. Keep it in the cow. (Simple, but brilliant.)

Q. How are the main twenty parts of the body categorized (e.g. the abdomen)?

A. The body is consisted of three parts—the brainium, the borax, and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O, U.

Q. What is the fibula? A. A small lie.

Q. What does “varicose” mean? A. Nearby.

Q. What is the most common form of birth control. A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (That would work.)

Q. Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean section.” A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q. What is a seizure? A. A Roman emperor. (Julius Seizure: I came, I saw, I had a fit.)

Q. What is a terminal illness? A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable!)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places, and they look like umbrellas.

Q. Use the word “judicious” in a sentence to show you understand its meaning. A. Hands that are judicious can be soft as your face.

Q. What does the word “benign” mean? A. Benign is what you will be after you’ll be eight.

Q. What is a turbine? A. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head.

2. Student answers teacher’s questions:

Teacher: Why are you late? Webster: Because of the sign. Teacher: What sign? Webster: The one that says, “School ahead, go slow.”

Teacher: Cindy, why are you doing your math sums on the floor? Cindy; You told me to do it without using tables!

Teacher: John, how do you spell “crocodile”? John: “K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L.” Teacher: No, that’s wrong. John: Maybe it’s wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!

Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water? Sarah: “HIJKLMNO!” Teacher: What are you talking about? Sarah: Yesterday you said it’s H to O!

Teacher: George, go to the map and find North America. George: Here it is! Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America? Class: George!

Teacher: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago. Willy: Me!

Teacher: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty? Tommy: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

Teacher: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with “I.” Ellen: I is… Teacher: No, Ellen. Always say, “I am.” Ellen: All right…”I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”

Teacher: Can anybody give an example of coincidence? Johnny: Sir, my mother and father got married on the same day same time.

Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s Cherry tree, but also itted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn’t punish him?

Johnny: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating? Sam: No, sir, I don’t have to. My mom is a good cook.

Teacher: Desmond, your composition on “My Dog” is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his? Desmond: No, Teacher. It’s the same dog!

Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? Pupil: A teacher.

Teacher: Billy, name two pronouns. Billy: Who? Me? Teacher: Very good!

Teacher: Why are you late? Pupil: Class started before I got here.

3. British humor is delightfully different:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. Eight years old, hateful little bastard. Bites.

FREE PUPPIES, half Cocker Spaniel, half sneaky neighbor’s dog.

FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club ed German Shepherd. Father is a super dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

ING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer 100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

FOR SALE BY OWNER.

Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, Forty-five volumes. Excellent condition, 200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married. Wife knows everything.

Teaching

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TG01. Kids mangles the word “fascinate.” TG02. Teacher asks for moral from kids’ stories. TG03. Why we love children. TG04. Kid is thirsty and wants drink of water (and spanking). TG05. Mother asks son how he expects to get to heaven. TG06. Daddy is a big sissy in thunderstorm. TG07. Open mike when kid says dress is a “bitch to iron.” TG08. Pregnant mother’s kid wonders why she has a big butt. TG09. That sum of which equals that son of a bitch is. TG10. “Holy shit! A talking chicken!” TG11. Kids distort Shakespeare play’s roles. TG12. Is it legal, logical, illegal, or what? TG13. The professor’s vulgar jokes and the protesting female students. TG14. “What is hell?” TG15. Grade schoolteacher’s political question backfires.

TG16. Boy’s “psst” in the cat’s ear to see if it is dead. TG17. The professor’s alcohol demonstration on worms. TG18. A young boy says he had sex with his teacher. TG19. Teacher asks, “Where is Jesus Christ?” TG20. Taste is everything. TG21. Children and religion. TG22. Kids advised to keep quiet in church. TG23. Teacher asks about the Ten Commandments. TG24. The final exam. TG25. The preacher keeps jerking the mike cord and little girl worries about it. TG26. Religion—quiet in church: TG27. Grading papers humor.

1. Kids mangles the word “fascinate:”

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.” The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating.” Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City, and I was fascinated.” The teacher said, “Well, that was good, Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate.’” Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him for his offering. Johnny said, “My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasin eight.”

2. Teacher asks for moral from kids’ stories:

A teacher gave her fifth-grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, “My father’s a farmer, and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a big bump in the road, and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.” “What’s the moral of the story?” asked the teacher. “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!” “Very good,” said the teacher. Sarah raised her hand and said, “Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched, we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story, don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched.” “That was a fine story, Sarah.” “Michael, do you have a story to share?” “Yes, ma’am, my daddy told me this story about my aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break, and then she landed right in the middle of hundred enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.”

“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher. “What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?” “Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.”

3. Why we love children:

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive. “Dead.” She was informed. “How do you know?” she asked her pupil. “Because I pissed in its ear, and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently. “You did what!?” the teacher exclaimed in surprise. “You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘pssst’ and it didn’t move.”

4. Kid is thirsty and wants drink of water (and spanking):

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later… “Da-ad…” “What? “I’m thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?” “No. You had your chance. Lights out.” Five minutes later: “Da-aaaad…” “What?” “I’m thirsty. Can I have a drink of water?” “I told you no! If you ask again, I’ll have to spank you!” Five minutes later…”Daaaa-aaaad…” “What!” “When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?”

5. Mother asks son how he expects to get to heaven:

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, “How do you expect to get into heaven?” The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!’”

6. Daddy is a big sissy in thunderstorm: (Filed also under Parenting.)

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?” The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can’t, dear,” she said. “I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.” A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: “The big sissy.”

7. Open mike when kid says dress is a “bitch to iron”:

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children’s sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress, and as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, “That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?” The little girl replied, directly into the pastor’s clip-on microphone, “Yes, and my mom says it’s a bitch to iron.”

8. Pregnant mother’s kid wonders why she has a big butt:

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three-year-old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, “Mommy, you are getting fat!” I replied, “Yes, honey. Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy.” “I know,” she replied, “but what’s growing in your butt?”

9. That sum of which equals that son of a bitch is:

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, “Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine.” His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, “What are you doing?” The little boy answered, “I’m doing my math homework, Mom.” “And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?” the mother asked. “Yes,” he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, “What are you teaching my son in math?” The teacher replied, “Right now, we are learning addition.” The mother asked, “And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?” After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, “What I taught them was two plus two, the sum of which is four.”

10. “Holy shit! A talking chicken!”:

One day, the first-grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, “And so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, ‘The sky is falling, the sky is falling!’” The teacher paused, then asked the class, “And what do you think that farmer said?” One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said, ‘Holy shit! A talking chicken!’”

11. Kids distort Shakespeare play’s roles:

Two little boys in first grade were chosen to be the leads in their first school play. It was to be a Shakespearean play. The first little boy was to say, “My fair maiden, I have come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope.” The second little boy was to reply by saying, “Hark! A pistol shot!” Well, on the opening night in the school auditorium, the two little boys were a bit nervous, knowing that all the seats were going to be filled with grown-ups. The teacher told them to take their places on the stage and to to speak very loudly as soon as the curtain went up. The curtain rose, and looking out upon the audience, the two boys were terrified. They stood there frozen. So the teacher whispered for them to begin. The first boy yelled out these unforgettable words, “My fair maiden, I have come to kiss your snatch and fill your hole with soap!” The second boy screamed out, “Hark! A shistol pot, a postle shiss, a pot of shit, horse shit, cow shit, bullshit. I never wanted to be in this lousy play anyway.” The audience left howling.

12. “Is it legal, logical, illegal, or what?”:

After having failed his exam in “logistics and organization,” a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: “Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?” Professor: “Surely, I must otherwise I would not be a professor!”

Student: “Great. Well, then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an ‘A’ for the exam.” Professor: “OK, it’s a deal. So what is the question?”

Student: “What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an “A” as agreed. Afterward, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question. He immediately answers, “Sir, you are sixty-three years old and married to a thirty-five year-old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a twenty-five year-old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife’s lover an ‘A’ although he really should have failed is neither legal nor logical.”

13. The professor’s vulgar jokes and the protesting female students:

There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?” With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. “Wait, ladies,” cried the professor. “The boat doesn’t leave until tomorrow.”

14. “What is hell?”:

A thermodynamics professor at Texas A&M University had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: “Is hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? your answer with proof.” Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now we look at the rate of change of the volume in hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the volume of hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities. No. 1: If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose. No. 2: Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over. So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Debby Banyan during my Freshman year “that it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you” and take into the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then No. 2 cannot be true, and so hell is exothermic. That student got the only A.

15. Grade schoolteacher’s political question backfires:

A first-grade teacher explains to her class that she is a liberal Democrat. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are liberal Democrats too. Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. “Because I’m not a liberal Democrat,” “Then,” asks the teacher, “what are you?” “Why, I’m a proud conservative Republican,” boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a conservative Republican. “Well, I was brought up to trust in myself instead of relying on an intrusive government to care for me and do all of my thinking. My dad and mom are conservative Republicans, and I am a conservative Republican too.” The teacher is now angry. “That’s no reason,” she says loudly. “What if your mom was a moron and your dad was a moron? What would you be then?” A pause and a smile. “Then,” says Lucy, “I’d be a liberal Democrat.”

16. Boy’s “psst” in the cat’s ear to see if it is dead:

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead. “How do you know that the cat was dead?” she asked him. “Because I pissed in its ear, and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently. “You did what?” The teacher exclaimed in surprise. “You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘pssst,’ and it didn’t move.”

17. The professor’s alcohol demonstration on worms:

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his fifth-grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. “Now, class, observe closely the worms,” said the professor, putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. “Now what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the professor asked. Johnny, who naturally sat at the back, raised his hand and wisely responded, “Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms.”

18. A young boy says he had sex with his teacher:

A young boy comes home from school, and his mother says, “What did you do today?” The boy replies, “Oh, the usual. I got an ‘A’ in spelling, and I had sex with my English teacher.” His mother, aghast, doesn’t know what to say. Finally, she says angrily, “Go in and tell your father what you just told me!” The boy goes to his father and says, “Gee, Mom sure is mad.” The father says, “Why?” “I think she’s mad because I had sex with my English teacher.” The father is beside himself with joy. He gives his son a nudge and a wink and says, “Congratulations, Son! I’ll tell you what, let’s go out and celebrate. We’ll have some ice cream and then I’ll buy you a bike.” The boy says, “The ice cream sounds great, but can we hold off on the bike? My ass is killing me.”

19. Teacher asks, “Where is Jesus Christ?”:

A Sunday schoolteacher of preschoolers was concerned that her students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on his birth. She wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So she asked her class, “Where is Jesus today?” Steven raised his hand and said, “He’s in heaven.” Mary was called on and answered, “He’s in my heart.” Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, “I know! I know! He’s in our bathroom!” The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, she gathered her wits and asked little Johnny how he knew this. Little Johnny said, “Well… every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, ‘Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!’”

20. Taste is everything:

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When putting it on in the ladies room, they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints. Before it got out of hand, he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 3:00 p.m. They gathered promptly at three and found the principal and the school janitor waiting there for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for Mr. Jones to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean. Mr. Jones then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror, and proceeded to scrub off the lipstick. Then he turned to his shocked audience and smiled. “Any questions?” That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror!

21. Children and religion:

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.” The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.” Without missing a beat or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”

22. Kids advised to keep quiet in church:

A Sunday schoolteacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?” One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”

23. Teacher asks about the Ten Commandments:

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, “Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor’s wife.”

24. The final exam:

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. A half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet. “You’re not going to have time to finish this,” the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet. “Yes, I will,” replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exam papers, and the students filed up and handed them in, all except the late student, who continued writing. A half hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there. “No, you don’t, I’m not going to accept that. It’s late.” The student looked incredulous and angry. “Do you know who I am?” “No, as a matter of fact I don’t,” replied the professor. “Do you know who I am?” the student asked again. “No, and I don’t care,” replied the professor with an air of superiority. “Good,” replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

25. The preacher keeps jerking the mike cord and little girls worries about it:

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, “If he gets loose, will he hurt us?”

26. Religion—quiet in church:

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. “You’re not supposed to talk out loud in church.” “Why? Who’s going to stop me?” Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, “See those two men standing by the door? They’re hushers.”

27. Grading papers humor.

Can you imagine the nun sitting at her desk grading these papers, all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure! Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. It comes from a Catholic elementary school test. Kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. The following 25 statements about the bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in.

1. In the first book of the bible, guinessis, God got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off. 2. Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was joan of ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears. 3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night. 4. The jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals. 5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like delilah. 6. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles. 7. Moses led the jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients. 8. The egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, moses went up to mount cyanide to get the ten commandments. 9. The first commandments was when eve told adam to eat the apple. 10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not it adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached canada then joshua led the hebrews in the battle of geritol. 12. The greatest miricle in the bible is when joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him. 13. David was a hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times. 14. Solomon, one of davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. 15. When mary heard she was the mother of jesus, she sang the magna carta. 16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found jesus in the manager. 17. Jesus was born because mary had an immaculate contraption. 18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head. 19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone. 20. It was a miricle when jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance. 21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels. 22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles. 23. One of the oppossums was st. Matthew who was also a taximan. 24. St. Paul cavorted to christianity, he preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marraige. 25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

The English Language

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EL01. The difficulty with English. EL02. Reasons why the English language is hard to learn: EL03. Some anomalies in our language.

1. The difficulty with English.

Let’s face it: English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger, neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads which aren’t sweet are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce, and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, two geese? One moose, two meese? One index, 2 indeces? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends, but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite a play and play a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another? Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Have you met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly, or peccable? And where are all those people who

are spring chickens or who would actually hurt a fly? You have to marvel at the lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which is not a race at all). That is why when the stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

2. Reasons why the English language is hard to learn:

The bandage was wound around the wound. The farm was used to produce produce. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. We must polish the Polish furniture. He could lead if he would get the lead out. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. I did not object to the object. The insurance was invalid for the invalid. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. They were too close to the door to close it. The buck does funny things when the does are present. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. The wind was too strong to wind the sail. After a number of injections, my jaw got number.

Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

3. Some anomalies in our language:

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip’s Screwdriver? Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn’t they be wearing nightgowns? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? When someone asks you, “A penny for your thoughts,” and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar not called a racist? Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible? Why isn’t eleven pronounced onety one? “I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.

Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence? If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs as “4s”? Why is it that if someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure? If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? If people from Poland are called “Poles,” why aren’t people from Holland called “Holes?”