The Yorkshire Bible Stories 1m3v2q

The Yorkshire Bible Stories

Copyright David Hallamshire 2011 All rights reserved ISBN: 978-1-4709-7399-5

GENESIS 1

When God first started art like, when he were just getting things off ground as it were, there weren't much of owt to talk of. It were just this sort of shapeless stuff floating abart doing nothin. Anyhow, God says, "Let there be light," he says. "Let there be light." And does tha know it were as if switch had gone on in a cubby hole. There were light all over place. And God thought, "By eck that's grand." So he says, "Let's have a bit on that dark stuff an'all, to set light off a bit." So there were suddenly some dark bits and some light bits and He called light bits 'daytime' and dark bits 'nighttime' and so He ended up wi' very first day. Then God has a think abart it and He thinks, "I know," he thinks. "I know. What I'll do is I'll seperate them vapours to form sky like, ont top bit, and oceans ont bottom bit." So God goes and meks sky and some oceans and this were ont second day. And then God has a think abart it for a bit and scratches His chin like tha does when tha's thinking and He says, "I know what. I'll gather all that water together like in oceans, and then some land'll come art of oceans and there'll be summat to grow things on. Ah..A reet good idea," He says to him sen, on as there were no-one else to talk to at that time see. So God goes and meks this bit what were land and He says, "I'll call that 'earth' and t'old watery bit can be 'seas'." And he did. And he were dead chuffed abart it cos things were goin reet well.

Anyhow, after that, He has a look rarnd and He says, "Let's have lots of grass and seed plants and fruit and trees wi' seeds in 'em, and then they can go mad for a bit and sprout up all over place mekkin other plants and fruits and stuff." And so he made grass and seeds and trees and plants and fruits and alsorts of stuff cos he were reet enjoying Him sen. And all this were ont third day. So after a good night's kip God has a look rarnd and He says, "What I need to set this off right is a lot of bright lights int sky. And then we can have day and night and seasons and stuff like that. Ah...good idea that." And so He made 'em like He said and there were this thing what were a sun and this other thing what were a moon, so they could like take it in turns for days and nights. And then He thought, "And while I'm at it we might aswell have some stars an'all." So he made 'em dead quick and scattered 'em abart a bit and He were dead pleased. And all this were ont fourth day. And then on fifth day God says, "What we need is some things what swim int sea and sort of wiggle and then we can have stuff what flies abart and meks noises and that." And so He goes and meks birds and t'fish int sea and He tells 'em to go and multiply by 'emselves and cover all earth and that. And that were ont fifth day that were. Anyhow, come sixth day God's having a think abart it and He's thinking, "What we need nar is some on them animals." So He just waves his arms abart a bit and there's animals all over show. There's reptiles and cattle and all sorts of stuff and God were dead chuffed with that. Nar God comes to good bit and He rubs His hands together and He says, "Right then....Let's mek us sen a man...Someone like Me and he can live on earth and be boss of all t'animals and stuff." And so He did and God says to this man, He says, "Nar go and multiply and get a grip ont earth like cos tha can be in

charge of all fish and birds and animals and that." And He says, "And tek a look at this. Tha's got all sorts of fruit things what tha can eat. And birds and animals, they can have all that grass and plants."

And God had a good look rarnd and He were dead chuffed cos everything were just right. And all this were ont sixth day. So God had gone and med everything right good in six days, so ont seventh day God thought, "By eck. I think I'll have a sit darn and put me feet up for five minute." And God thought this were such a crackin idea that He decided seventh day should be for doing nowt, on as He'd just made it an Holy day. So now tha knows how God made everything.

ADAM AND EVE GENESIS 2.7

Anyhow, everything were going reet well till He made man and then it got a bit art of 'and. What He did like, were He got this dust from t'earth and He just med it come alive and it were a man. Then what He does like, is He goes and plants this right posh garden in a place what were called Eden and sticks t'old man in it. This bloke were called Adam, and this were an amazing place this Eden spot and it were full of all sorts of trees with dead nice tasty fruit. And right int middle were a tree what were called Tree of Life and one called Tree of Conscience which could tell folk abart good and bad. And there were a nice river and everything and it were a right nice place. Anyhow, God sticks this man in this garden as a sort of gardner but He says to Adam, he says, "Nar then. Tha can eat any fruit int garden tha wants excepting t'old fruit from Tree of Conscience, cos if thy eats that it'll give thi knowledge of right and wrong and tha's better off wi'owt it I can tell thi. And if tha's daft enough to eat it tha'll die!" And God has a look at this bloke on his own int garden and He thinks, "It int good for young lad to be by his sen all time. Reckon what he needs is a girlfriend." So what God did like, He goes and meks this man fall into a right deep sleep, and it must have bin deep I'm telling thi, cos while he were asleep God goes and teks out one of this man's ribs. And He goes and meks this rib into a woman, just like that, cos God can do things like that dead easy. And then God wakes him up and goes and shows man what He's made. "By eck!", says Adam. "I'll go to foot of our stairs! Tha's made me a...a woman." And so she were called a woman. And they both didn't have no clothes on either, but they weren't embarrassed nor nowt cos they hadn't ever seen any clothes so didn't know owt were missin.

Nar round abart nar, there were a thing called a serpent and it were dead crafty. And this serpent goes up to woman, who were called Eve, and he says, "Nar then," he says. "Nar then. Is it true that tha can't eat any of t'old fruit. Nowt at all?" And Eve says, "Don't be daft! Course we can. We can eat owt we want except that fruit from posh tree int middle of garden. God says if we eat that, or even touch it, we'll die." "Gi'ooer," serpent says. "Tha'll not die. That's not what it's abart at all. It's cos God knows if thy has a gob full of that fruit tha'll be as good as God. It opens thi brain see. Tha'll be able to tell good from bad and then where'll God be eh?" Well Eve swallowed this story and she goes up to tree and has a right good look. And by eck, fruit did look good when tha got close up, and what's more, what really got her goin were fact it'd mek her right wise like God if she ate some. So she only goes and eats it dunt she! And then she goes and gives Adam some and like a pillock he goes and eats some too. And it were as they were eating from this tree that they suddenly realised they'd been wondering abart in broad daylight wi' no clothes on and they were right embarassed. So they grabbed some leaves from a fig tree dead quick and used 'em to cover 'emselves.

Well anyhow, that night they heard God wandering abart in t'old garden and they hid double quick. And God calls art and He says, "Nar then! What you hiding for?" And Adam says in a little voice, cos he's hiding under a bush dead embarrassed, he says, "Tha can't come in. I've got no clothes on." Nar God int daft. He says, like dead gentle and quiet like school teachers do when tha's in big trouble, He says, "How's tha know tha's got no clothes on? Has tha bin at that tree what I telt thi to never touch?" "Er...ah," Adam says, and then he points to Eve dead quick, "But it were her fault. It were this woman what tha give me. She brought me some so I ate it." God were getting a bit upset nar and he turns to Eve and He says, "What made thi do such a daft thing!" And Eve says, dead frightened, she says, "It weren't me! It were that serpent what tricked me." Well God were steaming by nar. He turns to serpent and He shouts, "Tha's in big trouble nar! Am goin to curse thi and mek thi grovel int dust as long as tha lives and crawl abart on tha belly." And God were bawling and yelling and He shouts at Eve, "And tha's in big trouble an'all. From reet nar, whenever thy has kids tha'll be in pain and suffering, but even then," God says and He calmed darn a bit. "Tha'll be reet glad oh thi husband and he'll be boss." Then God turns on Adam and He says, "And thee!," He says. "Because tha listened to thi wife and ate fruit. When I telt thi not to," He says. "I did tell thi not to dint I?" "Ah," says Adam.

"Ah, I did," says God. "Cos tha went and ate fruit when I distinctly telt thi not to I'm goin to curse soil and tha'll spend rest of thi life trying to mek a living from it. Am goin to stick thorns and thistles and all sorts of gubbins in it so tha'll sweat to get anything art on it till tha dying day. Then tha'll go back to ground where tha came from int first place." Well it were a right barney. And God were so upset He goes and banishes Adam and Eve from garden of Eden where it were right cushy living. And they had to wear clothes med of animal skins and work like mad trying to get food from ground and what have you. Anyhow, they made it int end, otherwise we wouldn't be here would we? They had kids an'all. So it weren't all bad, but there's many a folk think God's still a bit miffed abart His tree. So now tha knows.

NOAH GENESIS 6.9

Anyhow. There was this bloke called Noah. And he were a right good lad and only bloke what were any good on Earth abart that time, if tha sees what I mean. Cos everyone else were darn right bad. Anyhow, so this Noah bloke he had three sons and they was Shem and Ham and Japheth. But, there were a bit of bother like, cos there were a lot of crime and stuff going on and God were right upset abart it. And one day He says to Noah, "Nar then Noah!" And Noah looks up into sky and he says, "By 'eck! Hello God. How's tha bin?" And God says, "Not reet well luv," says God. "I've decided to destroy all mankind." "Oh," says Noah, cos there int a right lot tha can say is there. And God says a bit more. "Build thi sen a boat from resinous wood and tar and stuff, and mek decks and stalls all over place. And it has to be right long and right wide and right deep an'all. And put three decks in it luv, and a door int side like," says God. "Because Lo!..." "Lo what?" says Noah. "I ant finished yet," says God. "Stop interrupting will tha...Because Lo!...I am going to cover the Earth with a flood and destroy everything." "Blimey!" says Noah. "That's a bit much." "Everyone must die," says God. "Cept you and thi family like. And what tha's got to do is dead simple. Tha's got to get a pair of every animal..a bloke and a

missis..and get 'em into t'old boat afore rain really comes darn heavy. Bring in a pair of each type of bird and animal and reptile." "And fish?" "Don't be daft Noah. We talking abart a flood." "Oh ah." "And then," says God, "I want thi to store away all food and stuff what tha'll need to keep thi sens and t'animals alive for a while. Has tha got that?" "Oh ah," says Noah. "Good," says God. "Nar get thi sen ready afore it starts lagging it darn." So Noah, he goes and meks him sen a big boat. "Right," says God. "Get thi sen in to boat with thi family 'cos we going for the big one and tha's only righteous bloke on Earth. Bring in them animals an'all, two bi two, cept them what are for eating. Best bring in seven pair of them luv, cos then they can breed like mad when water goes away. As tha got that?" "Oh ah," says Noah. "Right enough." "Good," says God. "Cos one week from reet nar, it'll start raining for fotty days and fotty nights and everything will die." So Noah sets too like a good'un and he gets aboard his boat with his missis and sons and their wives and there's animals all over place in pairs like what God said. And then it happened. It started raining. I mean it were raining and pouring and lagging it darn. And it went on and on and on for fotty day and fotty nights. Only Noah were fine cos he were in his boat with his family and that, so he were all right. And it rained so much as it covered the tops of mountains and all the Earth and everything died. There were birds and reptiles and wild animals and men and women and everything and they all died. And water stayed over everything for an hundred

and fifty days. Anyhow, after a bit God sends this wind to blow across waters and they start to get lower and lower until Noah's boat goes and bumps into these Ararat mountains. Then three months later water went darn far enough for tops of other mountains to be seen. After another fotty days Noah goes and opens this port hole and he shoves a raven art and it flew back'ards and for'ards until the Earth had dried up. But in meantime ol' Noah goes and shoves art this dove to see if it could find a dry bit like, only it come back 'cos there were nowhere to land. So seven days later Noah shoves art this dove again. And it only goes and comes back with an olive branch dunt it? So he knew there were summat abart outside. A week later he lets it art again and it dunt come back at all on as it'd found somewhere to land like. Well Noah waited a bit more and he opens door and looks art and all that water had gone, only it were still a bit boggy so he stayed where he were for a bit. Then after eight weeks t'old world were completely dry like it'd been afore it started to rain. And God says, "Right then. Tha can all come art. Let all animals go and what not and then they'll breed right quick." And Noah says, "All ashore what's goin ashore!" and they all come art of boat and go onto land with t'old animals in pairs and Noah and Mrs Noah and their sons and wives. Then Noah built an alter and made a sacrifice of a bird or two what God had said were O.K. for sacrificing, and God were dead chuffed. And God says, "Glad that's all over luv. I'll not be doin that again in a hurry. I'll never flood t'old Earth again even if everyone is going daft and doin right evil things, like what they're inclined to. As long as there's an Earth there'll be springtime and harvest and heat and winter and summer and days and nights."

And so God said he'd never flood the Earth again. And Noah were right glad abart that cos he dint like sailing. So now tha knows.

ABRAHAM GENESIS 22. Anyhow, Abraham was a mate of God's and one day God sets abart testing him art to see if he were faithful and obedient like. And He says, "Nar then Abraham!" And Abraham says, "Aye up God. How's tha bin?" And God says, "Reet grand but anyhow, listen. Tek thi only son, tha knows, Isaac who tha luvs a reet lot, and go to land of Moriah and when tha gets there tha's to sacrifice him. Like a burnt offering tha knows on one of them mountains I'll point out to thi." "Right you are," says Abraham. Anyhow, next morning old Abraham goes and gets up dead early and he chops a bit of wood for a fire on alter, and then he saddles up his donkey. Then him and Isaac and these two other blokes what were servants, they set art to where God had said they was to go. So after three days they sees this place what God had said abart reet int distance. So Abraham turns to them two servant blokes and he says, "Nar then," he says. "Tha can stay here wi' donkey. T'old lad and me are off up there like, for a reet good pray, and then we'll be back again. As tha got that?" "Oh aye," they said. "Right enough," says Abraham and he goes and piles wood for fire on Isaac's shoulders whilst all he had to carry were a knife and a flint to start fire with. So anyhow, two on 'em set art together and they're travelling along for a bit and Isaac, who int stupid, he says, "Nar then Dad," says Isaac. "We've got a bit a wood and a flint for mekkin a fire, right?" "Right enough," says Abraham.

"So..tha might think I'm daft nar...but...Where's lamb for sacrifice tha knows?" "Ah..er," says Abraham. "Don't thee fret thi sen abart that son. God'll sort that art double quick. He'll gi' us a lamb." And so they sets off again and gets to where they were supposed to be going and they built an alter. Then when they'd built t'old alter they goes and puts wood on it. "Where's this lamb what God's going to sort art for us?" says Isaac. "Don't thee fret thi sen," says Abraham. "Just put thi 'ands in this rope." And so Abraham only goes and ties Isaac up dunt he? He ties him up right tight and he lays him on alter as a sacrifice. And Abraham gets his knife and he lifts it right up and he's just abart to plunge it into Isaac when God shouts dead loud. "Nar then! Abraham! Oye!" And Abraham stops and he says, "What's tha want?" "Tha can put knife darn nar," says God. "Don't hurt Isaac nor nowt like that. I can tell that tha puts me first and that tha'd even give up thi son for me. So tha's ed thi test." Well Abraham were dead glad abart this I can tell thi. And Isaac were an'all. And as Abraham turns rarnd he sees a ram what's got its horns caught in a bush, so he goes and sacrifices that instead. After that, Abraham called place 'Jehovah provides' and some folk still call it that. But I bet Isaac called it summat else. So now tha knows.

ISAAC GENESIS 27

Anyhow, Isaac lived to be reet old and did all sorts of exciting stuff, but when he were dead old he were a bit blind and couldn't see right well, and he calls for his eldest son Esau. "Nar then son," says Isaac. "Aye up Dad," says Esau. "What's tha want?" And Isaac says, "I'm getting on a bit nar tha knows, and I might die any day nar. So tek thi bow and arrow and get me some on that venison and cook it just like I like it, right tasty. Then bring us a bit and I'll give thi blessings what are thine on as tha's first born and that." And Esau says, "Right enough." Only, thing is, Rebekah heard conversation didn't she? Nar she were Isaac's missis and what she does is she goes and gets t'other son, Jacob, and tells him all abart what were said. "Nar listen," she says. "Do as I tell thi. Go and get me two goats and I'll mek a reet good meal for thi Dad. Then if tha teks it to thi Father he'll give thi blessings afore he snuffs it, instead of Esau." Well Jacob were a bit taken aback. He says, "Gi'ooer Mam! He int daft tha knows. Esau's reet hairy and I've got skin like a babby's bum. What if he reaches art and feels me skin? He'll know right off it int Esau and he might think I'm messin him abart and curse me 'stead of blessing me." And Rebekah, she sighs heavy and she says, "Look. Just do what I telt thi. Go and get a couple of goats."

So Jacob, he goes off and gets a couple of goats and his Mam meks them into a right tasty dish just like his Dad wants. Then she goes and gets Esau's best clothes and tells Jacob to put 'em on. Then, dead crafty like, she gives him a pair of hairy gloves made of goat skin and a bit of goat skin to put rarnd his neck. So, all kitted art, Jacob teks dish to his Dad. "Nar then Dad," says Jacob. "Who's that?" says Isaac, cos he couldn't see right well. "Is that Esau or Jacob? Well Jacob gives a nervous cough and he says, bold as brass, "It's Esau Dad. Eldest son. I've done thi a nice bit of venison just how tha likes it. Sit thi sen up and have a gob full oh this, then tha can get on wi' this blessing business." And Isaac sits up and he says, "By eck!" he says. "That were quick. How did tha manage to mek it so quick?" "Er...," says Jacob, and thought right quick. "God gi' it me." Then Isaac says, "Come over here a minute. I want to check that tha's really Esau." And Jacob goes over to him and Isaac feels his hairy skin and he says, "Summat funny here. T'old voice is Jacob's, but tha's as hairy as Esau. Are tha really Esau?" And Jacob says, "Gi'ooer Dad. Course I'm Esau." So Isaac says, "Well bring some on that venison over here and I'll gi' thi a blessing." And when Jacob brings food over Isaac gives him a kiss ont cheek and he smells like Esau, cos Esau smelled like fields and earth so Isaac starts blessing him. "May God always gi' thi stacks oh rain for thi crops, and a reet good harvest and lots of new wine. And let there be hundreds of folk what tha's master of, and tha can be master of thi brothers whilst tha's at it. Let all family bow down and be right humble at thi feet," says Isaac. "I think that's abart it." Well there were a big barney nar, cos Esau goes and turns up dunt he? And he's gone and got a goat, same as Jacob did, and he's made it into a fancy meal for his

Dad. "Nar then Dad," Esau says. "I've brought thi some on that venison, so's tha can gi' me them blessings." Well Isaac were taken aback he were cos he'd just gone and give a blessing to someone already. "Who's that?" he says. "Don't be daft Dad," says Esau. "It's me. Esau." "Oh eck!" says Isaac. "Well who's this then?" he says and points to Jacob. "I've already had me grub and blessed this bloke here and tha can't reverse it tha knows. Not after tha's blessed someone." Old Esau goes and bursts into tears nar dunt he. Well tha would wouldn't tha. "Gi' us a blessing Dad," Esau sobs. "Gi' me a blessing." But Isaac says. "I can't. Tha knows I can't. Thi brother's nicked it." And Esau were right upset and says to Jacob, "It int no wonder they call thi The Cheater," says Esau. "Tha's gone and stolen me birth right and me blessings," he says and turns to his Dad. "Tha must have a blessing left Dad. I only want one." Well poor old Isaac, he were dead upset an'all and he says, "I can't. I've gone and done it nar. I've gone and made thi slave to thi brother. I've given him abundance of wine and grain and stuff. There's nowt left to give." And Isaac, he has a right good think for a bit and he says to Esau, "Tha'll have no life of luxury son, but tha'll mek thi way wi' a sword. Tha'll be thi brother's slave for a bit, but tha'll get away int end. Don't thi fret." So, after all that episode, well it were obvious that Esau hated Jacob's guts. And he thinks to him sen, "When me old man's snuffed it, I'm going to kill our Jacob." Only he med

mistake of thinking it aloud and Rebekah finds out abart it. So Rebekah goes and gets Jacob. "Nar listen," she says. "Tha's in big trouble wi' Esau. He wants to kill thi dead. Tek thi sen off to Uncle Laban. Stay wi' him for a bit darn Haran way until thi brother cools darn a bit. Then I'll send for thi. Has tha got that?" "Ah," says Jacob. And so Jacob goes off to a spot called Paddan-aram to stay wi' his Uncle Laban and get away from Esau for a bit. That night, when he stops for a bit of a rest like, he finds a stone for a pillow, cos he had a right hard 'ead, and he goes off to sleep. Well when he starts dreaming it were a right dream. He goes and sees this huge ladder thing, and going up and darn this ladder from earth right up t'heaven were Angels. And right at top of ladder were God. "Nar then. I'm God," says God. "I'm God of Abraham and thi Dad, Isaac. This bit of ground tha's lying on is for thee, and tha kids and tha kids kids. And mek no mistake, tha's going to have relatives all over place. But that's nowt. I'll be with thi and I'll bring thi back here right safe. So that. I'll be with thi until tha's got all this what I've promised." Well when Jacob wakes up he goes, "By eck! I've farnd where God lives! This is entrance to heaven!" And next morning he goes and stands this stone upright and puts olive oil on it. Cos they did that in them days tha knows. Anyhow, he puts olive oil on this stone as a memorial thing and he says, "I name this place House of God." And then he says, "If God gives me an 'and on me journey and sorts art food and clothes and stuff, and then brings me back safe to me old Dad, well that's good enough for me luv. Jehovah's my God." So this pillow what Jacob slept on became a sort of land mark like where folk worship and that's where Jacob saw his ladder. So now tha knows.

JOSEPH GENESIS 37

So anyhow, there were this bloke called Jacob. Tha re Jacob, he were one who stole his brother Esau's blessings and saw a ladder goin right up to heaven. Anyhow, Jacob goes and settles back in land of Canaan where his Dad used to live.

And he had a lad what were called Joseph, and he'd be abart seventeen if he were a day. Well his job, along with his arf brothers, was to look after his Dad's flocks like. But trouble was Joseph were always telling his Dad that t'others were up to no good, see, so they weren't getting on too good and brothers and Joseph dint like each other much. That's just to put thi int picture. Anyhow, old Jacob had a soft spot for Joseph on as he were born when Jacob were getting on a bit, so what he does is he gives him a dead posh coat. Well t'other lads they were a bit miffed abart this cos it were a dead posh coat full of lots of colours and so they used to slag him off behind his back. Then one day, Joseph goes and has a dream, like tha does, and when he tells his brothers abart it they were even more riled. "Nar then," says Joseph. "Gerra load oh this," he says. "We were art mekkin up sheaves of corn and mine stood up and all thine bowed darn in front on it." "Tha's just a big 'ead. Thinks tha's a king or summat," they said. Then Joseph goes and has another dream and he tells 'em what it were, all hoity toity abart it he were an'all. "Listen," he says. "There were sun and moon and eleven stars and they all goes darn ont knees to me." Only this time he goes and tells his Dad an'all and his Dad weren't dead chuffed abart it I can tell thi. "Hark at 'im," he says. "Does tha think me and thi Mam and thi brothers are all goin to get darn on our knees to thee or what?" His brothers got narks on abart it, but Joseph's Dad has a think abart it, cos he used to do a bit oh this dreaming lark him sen when he were younger. Well anyhow, one day t'old brothers go art and graze flock near a spot called Shechem and after a bit Jacob says to Joseph, "Nar then Joseph," he says. "Get thi sen over Shechem way and have a check on thi brothers. Let us know what's goin on."

"Right you are," says Joseph and off he goes, poncing abart in his posh coat. When he gets near Shechem this bloke sees him and he says, "Nar then. Who's tha lookin for?" And Joseph says, "Am looking for me brothers and a load of sheep." Then this bloke he says, "Bar gum lad! Tha's missed 'em. They've took off to a place called Dothan tha knows." So Joseph walks double quick and he catches up with 'em at Dothan. But when they saw him coming they recognised his posh coat, cos tha could see it for miles away even on a foggy day tha knows, and they set art to kill him. "Here comes big 'ead," they said. "Let's kill him and have done. We can chuck him darn a well or summat and tell t'old man he's bin chewed up by a wild animal. Then we'll see what big 'ead thinks abart them dreams." But there were one called Reuben, and he thought it were a bit much killing Joseph like, so he says, "Nar then. Gerra grip. Let's just chuck 'im darn this well here, and then it won't really be us what killed 'im." (What he were really planning see were to get Joseph art the well later on, if you get me meaning.) So what happens, is Joseph turns up dunt he? And when he gets there they tek off his posh coat and chuck 'im darn a well. And it were empty so he didn't have a right good landing I can tell thi. Well they were just sitting darn for a bite to eat when they sees this great string of camels coming towards 'em. And it turns art that they're Ishmaelite traders what buy and sell stuff. "Aye up!" Judah says. He were another brother, and he says, "Aye up! Tha knows what we can do dunt tha? We can flog our Joseph to them traders and get a few bob for him. What's point of killing him when we can get some beer money for nowt."

So they go and sell Joseph to traders and off they go to Egypt with him. A bit later nar, old Reuben, he goes back to well dunt he. Cos he weren't there when they flogged Joseph to traders see, so he didn't know as he'd bin sold off. Anyhow, when he gets to well he finds as Joseph int there no more and he's right upset abart it. So he rips his clothes, cos that's what tha's supposed to do if tha's Jewish and tha's reet upset. "Me babby brother's gone!" he says. But others didn't take no notice of him and they get Joseph's coat and put animal blood all over it to mek it look like he'd bin killed by summat big. Then they go and tek this coat back to their Dad, acting all innocent like. "Nar then Dad," says one on 'em. "We just farnd this in a field. It int our Joseph's is it?" Well there were no mistaking Joseph's coat. It looked like an explosion in a paint factory so there were no doubt abart it. "Oh ah," says their Dad. "That's our Joseph's coat. And there's blood all over it. It looks like he's bin torn to bits by an animal or summat." And he were so upset he goes and rips his clothes, like what I told thee abart, and t'old lad were right upset for weeks. Anyhow, in Egypt, them traders what bought Joseph, they go and flog him to a bloke called Potiphar who were a big wig for the Pharaoh. The Pharoah is like a king tha knows. Well anyway this Potiphar were the Captain of king's guard and chief executioner. And Joseph did right well working for this Potiphar cos God had his eye on him see, so Joseph and Potiphar become right good mates. Then Potiphar goes and meks Joseph a sort of manager like, of his household and business and stuff like that. And with God keepin an eye on Joseph it went right well and Potiphar were quids in. His crops were doin right well and his flocks were getting bigger every day. Well Potiphar weren't daft. He goes and gives Joseph everything to look after like, and Joseph were doin a right good job. Trouble was, Joseph were a bit of a good looker, and Potiphar's wife starts to

mek eyes at him like, and giving him the come on. So Joseph, he says, "Gi'ooer woman! Old Potiphar trusts me wi' everything tha knows. Tha can't exect me to start messin abart wi' his missis." Well she weren't havin none of this like, so she pesters him day after day and Joseph had to hide a right lot and keep out of her road, like tha would. Only one day, he's busy doin stuff and she comes in and gets all fruity dunt she? And she grabs his coat and starts, well tha knows, mekkin advances like, and Joseph goes all red and meks a run for it. But he goes and leaves his coat behind dunt he, on as she ripped it off when he tried to leg it. So, brazen hussy, what she does is she starts yellin and bawlin and mekkin a right din. And when t'other blokes around the place come piling in to see what all noise is abart she starts weepin and mekkin a right fuss. "Me husband just had to bring in that Hebrew slave dint he?" she says. "And nar look what happens. I were just minding me own business tha knows, and he starts coming on strong, if tha gets me meaning. And then I starts screaming so he goes and legs it and leaves his jacket behind." She were a bad lass I'm tellin thi. And when her old man come home she waves this jacket abart and tells him same thing. "That slave bloke what you took on, he tried to rape me tha knows and I were only saved cos I screamed me 'ead off. And look at this luv, he's gone and left his jacket behind ant he." Well when her old man heard this he hits roof. He went and got Joseph by scruff of neck and chucks him in prison. He could do that tha see cos he were Captain of guard. Nar that would have bin end on it, only Joseph had God on his side , and he were dead good at ministration and that. So in no time at all t'old chief jailer has Joseph running abart for him and he were so good at it that chief jailer had hardly nowt to do cos Joseph were so organised. Then a bit after this, t'old Pharoah bloke, he goes and falls art wi' his chief baker and wine taster and he chucks 'em in jail where Joseph were. And they were stuck there for ages so Potiphar goes and meks Joseph look after 'em, like to wait on 'em. Then one night they both have a dream see, and Joseph noticed as they were lookin a bit darn int mouth, so he says,

"Nar then," he says. "What's a matter wi' thee then? Tha looks like tha's lost a tanner and found a threppny bit." And these two blokes, the baker and the wine taster, they say, "We both had reet funny dream tha knows. Only trouble is, there's nobody what knows abart dreams to tell us what they're abart." Well Joseph were in his element weren't he. I mean, funny dreams sort of ran int family when tha comes darn to it. So he says, "I'm right good at dreams me, luv. Tell us thi dream and I'll tell thi what it means." So t'old wine taster he says, "Right luv. It were like this. There were this vine wi' three branches what began to bud and sort of grow into big bunches of grapes. And then what I did like, I gets Pharoah's cup and squeeze grapes and fill it full of juice and give it to him." And Joseph says, "By eck! That's an easy one. Them three branches mean three days. Tha'll be back at thi old wine tasting job in three days. I bet thi." And Joseph has a think abart it. "And if tha can put in a good word wi' Pharoah and get me art on here I'd be right obliged like. Only I've had a right do so far, what wi' being kidnapped from me home and then chucked in jail for doin nowt so if tha can get me art on here I'd be right glad." So then baker had a bash at this dream stuff and he says, "I had this dream right. And there were three baskets of pastries on me 'ead. And in top basket were lots of baking and stuff for Pharoah and what happens is these birds come and eat it all. Nar then. What's that mean?" Well Joseph has a think abart it and he says, "Them three baskets mean three days. In three days, Pharoah's goin to tek thi head off and t'old birds will come and eat thi flesh."

And baker looks at him gob-struck. "Tha what!" "It's what it means," says Joseph. "Thanks a lot," says baker. "Tha sure abart that?" "Oh ah," says Joseph. "Oh eck," says baker. Anyhow, so three days later it's Pharoah's birthday bash and he goes and sends for his wine taster and baker. And he gives the wine taster his job back and he goes and sentences other bloke to be impaled and 'ave his 'ead cut off, just like Joseph said. Only trouble was, wine taster goes and forgets all abart it dunt he, so he never said nowt to Pharoah abart Joseph being stuck in prison. Abart two year later, t'old Pharoah goes and has a dream. He dreams he's standing on bank of Nile, when dead quick, these seven fat cows come art on river and start to eat grass ont river bank Then these other seven cows come art on river and they're all skin and bones and dead clapped art. And they go and stand next to fat ones and what happens is skinny ones start to eat up fat ones. Well Pharoah wakes up then. As tha would. But he soon settles darn and off he goes to sleep again and he has another dream. Nar this one were as funny as last one. In this one, there's seven 'eads of grain on this corn stalk see. And what happens is suddenly there's these seven right skinny 'eads of grain and they go and swallow up fat ones. Next morning Pharoah couldn't get this art on his bonce. He were so concerned abart what it were all abart that he goes and gets all his magicians and sages and them sort of people, and he tells 'em all abart it hoping someone'll know what it means. Then, daft as owt, after all this time, the wine taster says, "By eck! Tha knows what I've done, dunt tha? I've forgot to tell thi summat." And he says to Pharoah, "There were this bloke in prison what told us what our dreams meant. Tha knows, when tha went and chucked me and a baker int jail. And this Hebrew bloke goes and tells us what they were abart. And he were

dead right an'all." So Pharoah says, "That's good enough for me luv." And he sends for Joseph. So after a quick shave and a shampoo Joseph is brought in to meet Pharoah. "Aye up Pharoah," says Joseph. "Nar then," says Pharoah. "I had this dream," says Pharoah. And he tells Joseph abart the cows and that and then he says, "So tell us what it's all abart?" And Joseph says, "Well it int really me what does it tha sees. I don't know nowt abart dreams really, it's God what does it for me." "Well tell us anyhow," says Pharoah and he tells Joseph all over again abart his dream. "As I see it," Joseph says. "I reckon they both mean same thing. God's trying to tell thi what to do see. Them seven fat cows, and them grain things, means tha's goin to have seven years of great harvest and that. Lots of grub and that. Then, see, then tha's goin to have seven years of really duff harvests and hardly no grub at all. Are tha with me?" says Joseph. "So all that reet good bit'll be forgot cos everyone'll be dead hungry. Fact that tha's had two dreams same means tha's in for big trouble luv and God int messin abart. So what tha's got to do is get thi sen a reet good ministrator. Someone who's reet good at organising things. Split Egypt into five bits see, then tha can get each of five bits to look after their own bit and gather up all that grain and stuff what you don't need in that seven year good bit. Are tha with me? Look at me when I'm talking to thi. Right? Does tha see that?" "Well," says Pharoah. "What we need is right man for job. As tha's so good wi' dreams and God's thi pal, tha's got thi sen a job. Tha's now in charge of job lot. What tha says goes. But I'll still be top boss like, and tha can have this posh ring to be goin on wi'."

And Pharoah goes and gives Joseph a posh signet ring and a right big gold chain and loads of dead nice clothes and he meks him in charge of Egypt. And he gives him a chariot an'all, and when Joseph were out in his chariot everybody goes, "Kneel darn! Joseph's comin!" so he were dead powerful. Well sure enough, for next seven year everything were going grand. There were food all over show and Joseph took a bit from each place and stored it in these big warehouse granaries and after seven year they were chocka block full. Then, what happens see, after seven year, the crops start to get smaller and smaller and a right big famine starts all over place. But Egypt's got stacks of grain, cos they went and stored loads of it away in them granaries. So what Joseph does is he starts to flog grain to Egyptians and anyone who came to Egypt to buy some. Nar Jacob, Joseph's Dad that is, he were going hungry along wi' rest of 'em. So he says to his sons, "Nar then. What's tha standing abart for. Get thi sen darn Egypt and buy us some grain afore we all starve to death." So Joseph's ten older brothers, they all set art for Egypt to get some grain. Only Jacob wouldn't let Joseph's younger brother Benjamin go, cos he were babby of family and he were afraid summat might happen to him. He'd already lost Joseph tha sees. Or he thought he had anyhow. So he wouldn't let Benjamin go. Anyhow, after a bit, Joseph's brothers turn up in Egypt, along with thousands of others looking for grub. Nar, this is the good bit see. Because Joseph were a big knob nar, and he were in charge of all grain and stuff, it were Joseph what his brothers had to go and see so's they could buy some grain. So they all come marching in don't they. And they don't know it's Joseph, so they get darn on their knees and Joseph, being smart, he recognised 'em straight off, only he pretends he dunt know 'em. "Where's tha come from?" he asks, dead stern like. "We've come from land of Canaan," they say. "And we've come to buy some grain."

Then Joseph re them dreams he had years back only instead of saying owt abart 'em he says, "Tha's all spies. Tha's come to see how bad famine is ant tha?" "Gi'ooer!" they say. Dead shocked they were. "We just come to buy grain Mester. That's all. We aren't spies Mester." "Tha's lying!" says Joseph. "Tha's come to see how weak we are!" And the brothers were getting a bit worried nar I can tell thi. "Mester," they say. "There's twelve on us, and our old Dad's in Canaan. Youngest, Benjamin, he's wi' his Dad, and t'other one snuffed it ages back." "That says nowt," Joseph says. "Tha's spies. And I'll test thi story an'all. Tha's never goin to leave here till thi babby brother comes darn to Egypt. Tha can send one bloke back to Canaan and bring him darn here, and rest of thi can go to jail till it's sorted. If tha's got no babby brother then I'll know tha's bin lying." So, old Joseph chucks 'em in jail, but after three days he tells 'em summat new. "Nar then," he says. "I'm goin to give thi a chance to prove thi sens. I'll keep one bloke here, and rest can tek grain and go home. But tha's got to bring thi babby brother back here to me. If tha does then I'll know tha were speaking truth. If tha dunt tha's in big trouble." Well they had a chat abart this and there were a lot to be said, I can tell thi. "This is all abart what we did to Joseph," they said. "We heard him yelling and crying and that and we did nowt abart it." And Reuben, he says, "I hope tha's not including me in all this! I telt thee not to do it dint I? Dint I? But would tha listen? Oh no. Tha just had to chuck him darn a well didn't tha? Tha wouldn't let it lie. And now we're all in big bother." Nar good thing abart all this were Joseph had bin speaking through a terpreter see, so they didn't know as he could understand what they were all on abart.

And it upset him a right lot so he left room and went off for a quick cry. Anyhow, when he comes back, he chooses Simeon and has him tied up so's others could see it happening. Then he gets some blokes to fill some sacks up wi' grain and he also tells 'em, on the sly like, to put money they paid for grain, back int top of sack. So what brothers do is they load up t'old donkeys and that, and they set off back home. Only when they stop for night, one on 'em opens the sack and finds all this dosh. "Oh eck!" he says. "I'll go to foot of our stairs! There's money in here!" And then they all got right afraid. "What've we done!" they said. "We're in right bother nar." So they got off home double quick and saw their Dad straight off and told him all abart what had happened. They told him abart having to bring back Benjamin else they wouldn't be able to get Simeon back. And then when they come to open t'other sacks there's money all over show. Well that put wind up 'em I can tell thi. "What's tha bin playin at!" Jacob screams. "First tha goes and looses Joseph. Now tha's got our Simeon in bother and I'm supposed to let Benjamin go to Egypt! What's tha playin at!" Then Reuben says to his Dad, "Look Dad," he says. "Tell thi what. I'll tek Benjamin darn to Egypt and if I don't come back wi' him tha can kill me two babby boys. That's how much I think nowt'll happen to him. Tha's nowt to fret abart." But Jacob says, "Does tha think I'm stupid or what? Joseph's dead and Benjamin's only one left from same Mam. I'll die if owt happens to him." (I telt thi earlier they were arf brothers dint I? That's what Jacob were on abart see.) Well, it were all forgot for a bit until grain they bought starts to run art again. And Jacob says,

"Get thi sen darn to Egypt and get us some grain." But Judah says, "That bloke weren't messin abart Dad. He meant it. He said not to come back less we got Benjamin wi' us." And Jacob were right mad. "Tha's daft thee. Why'd tha tell him tha's got another brother?" Judah shrugged. "Couldn't do nowt abart it Dad. He asked us specific abart family and that. We didn't know he were goin to ask us to bring him darn to Egypt." Then Judah says, "Send lad darn wi' me. If tha dunt we're all goin to starve to death! I'll bring him back safe, tha can bet thi life on it. If tha'd not bin goin on abart it for so long we could have bin there and back bi nar." Well, t'old man has a think abart it and he says, "Tell thi what. If tha's got to go then tha's got to go. But load up donkeys wi' best stuff tha can find. Tek some honey and spices and myrrh and all that stuff, and tek enough brass to pay back what were found in them sacks. It were probably a mistake or summat. Nar tek Benjamin and be off wi' thi but I'll have thi know I'm not happy abart it one bit." So they set off darn to Egypt wi' loads of gifts and money and that, and they end up in front of Joseph again. And when Joseph saw Benjamin he says to his servants, "These blokes here are goin to have supper wi' me. Tek 'em home and sort 'em art for a big nosh up." Well, tha can imagine, when they saw they were being taken to Joseph's house they nearly had heart attack. "We've gone and done it nar," they said. "It's cos of that money in them sacks. He's goin to reckon we stole it and mek us slaves." So when they got to big house they says to this manager bloke, "Nar then, there's bin a mistake. When we bought grub last time we was just setting off home when we found all this money in them sacks. It were nowt to do wi' us, so we brought it back and

brought some more brass to buy stuff this time an'all." And this house manager bloke says, "Stop whittlin. It's thee what's mistaken. Tha must have God on thi side, cos we took money from thi last time for definite." Then he goes and gets Simeon and took 'em to palace to get ready for nosh up. Then they get presents ready for when Joseph comes back, and when he comes into palace they all go darn on knees. So Joseph says, "Nar then," he says. "How's t'old Dad tha were on abart? Is he still alive then or what?" "Well ah," they said. "T'old lad's still alive and kickin." And then Joseph looks at Benjamin and says, "Is this Benjamin then? Tha youngest brother? The one tha were sayin abart? All reet Benjamin, how's tha goin?" And then Joseph had to mek a quick exit like, cos he were goin to cry. Anyhow, he gets him sen together and comes back again. "Right then," he says. "There's plenty oh grub, so get it darn thi, it'll do thi good." So Joseph has a table on his own, and Egyptians had a table and Joseph's brothers had a table, cos Egyptians and Hebrews dint get on too well like. And when Joseph puts his brothers at this table, he goes and puts 'em in order of ages and they were right taken aback, cos they didn't know how he did it. Anyhow, once they got a bit of grub in 'em and a good bit of wine an'all, they start to have a right good time and a joke and a sing song, like tha does. Well they were havin such good do that it were over in no time, so when they're all abart ready to leave Joseph gets his house manager and he tells him to give 'em as much grain as they can carry. Only he also tells him to put lads money back int sack like last time. Then, dead quiet, he says, "Get one of them silver cups and stuff it into a sack along wi' money and that."

So anyhow, next day they set art dont they? And they've hardly gone nowhere when Joseph tells his manager bloke to go after 'em. "Get thi sen after 'em," he says. "And ask 'em what they playing at, nicking one of me special silver cups. Tell 'em they're bad lads." So this manager bloke he rides after 'em and he says what he's bin told to say and they all go, "Tha what? What's tha whittling abart! We ant done nowt luv. Didn't we just bring money back from last time? Tha's daft thee. What would we want to nick a silver cup for?" "Tell thi what," says one of 'em. "If tha finds that cup wi' anyone on us, then let that person die. Can't say fairer than that luv. And if tha finds it we'll all be thi slaves." "Well ah," says manager. "I'll do just that, cept only one what stole cup'll be a slave. Rest on thi can get thi sen off home." So what he does like, he has a quick shifty in t'old sacks and he goes and finds a silver cup in Benjamin's sack! Well they were taken aback I can tell thi and they were all ripping clothes and stuff like they do. And so what they do is they all pack up donkeys again and head back to city wi' Benjamin. Joseph were still knockin abart so they all goes and sees him and gets darn ont knees. "What's tha playin at!" Jospeh says dead angry. "Does tha think I'm daft or what? Tha should've known I'd be after thi double quick if tha nicks owt from me." And Judah says, "What can we tell thi Mester. What can we do to convince thi we dint do nowt. It's God what's punishing us. That's what it is. So we're all here nar, all come back to be thi slaves along wi' Benjamin." "Gi'ooer," says Joseph. "Tha knows rules. It's only him what stole cup who's staying here. Rest of thi can get thi sen off home." Then Judah says, "Let me just say summat. I know tha can destroy me dead quick if tha wants but just let me get a word in. Firstly," says Judah, "Firstly we were asked if we had a brother and a Dad, and we said, 'Oh ah, we got an old

Dad and a little brother Benjamin'. Only his brother's dead see Mester and he's only one left from his Mother's kids, see. And t'old man, well he dotes on him summat rotten and it'd kill him if owt happened to him. And then tha said, if tha re rightly, tha said, 'Bring him here so's I can have a look at him', and when we went back home we told our Dad and he were right upset. Tha knows what Dad's are like. Anyhow, me Dad says, 'Tha can't tek me babby boy. He's only one left art on two sons and our little Joseph were eaten up by an animal or summat and if owt happens to our Benjamin it'll kill me'. Well tha can see me predicament can't tha?" "Oh ah," says Joseph. "And nar," says Judah, "tha wants me to go home wi' art him. And wi' me old Dad being so attached to lad, well it'll kill him. And it'll be our fault t'old man died of sadness. And that's not arf on it. I promised me Dad I'd look after Benjamin see, and if I don't bring him back I'll be in right big trouble. Dunt tha see Mester? I can't bear to go home if lad int wi' me. Tek me as a slave instead and let t'others go. I couldn't stand to see me old Dad so upset." Well after all that Joseph had had enough. He tells the attendant blokes to get lost and then he's left alone wi' his brothers. Then he starts roaring, dunt he. I'm not saying he were soft or nowt, he were just upset tha sees and he were crying so loud Pharoah got to hear abart it. Anyhow, eventually he says, "Nar then! I'm Joseph! Is me Dad still alive?" But they were so stunned that they couldn't say owt. "I'm thi brother," says Joseph. "I'm one what tha sold. But don't fret thi sens cos it were God's idea. It were only way he could save thi skins cos this famine's goin to last for seven year. If I hadn't got all this grain stuff sorted art tha'd all starve to death. See? So it were God what sent me here not thee. I'm a big knob wi' Pharoah nar and boss of all Egypt. So get thi sens off to me Dad and tell him what I said. Tell him I said, 'Nar then. God's only gone and made me boss of Egypt ant he? Get thi sen darn here double quick. Then tha can live in land of Goshen wi' all thi kids and grand kids and flocks and job lot'. As tha got that," says Joseph. "Tell me old Dad I'm a big boss and to get his sen darn here, cos there's five more year of famine to go yet." Well it were a shock to 'em I can tell thi. And there were huggin and kissing and all that stuff. In a manly way tha knows. Weren't nothing sissy abart it. And Pharoah finds art Joseph's brothers have come and he's dead chuffed for him and

he says to Joseph, "Tell thi brothers to get 'em sens back up to Canaan and bring families and t'old job lot darn here wi' thi old man. Tell 'em I'll give thi best place int land. Tha'll be well seen to I can tell thi. And tell 'em they can tek a few waggins and stuff from Egypt to get 'emselves and families darn here. And don't forget t'old man." So Joseph goes and gives 'em some waggins and lots of grub and clothes and stuff and he gives Benjamin five times what he gives t'others. Well they were real brothers see so that were all right. And he sends 'em home. Well when they got home there were a right to do. Well tha can imagine can't tha. "Our Joseph is alive!" says lads. "And he's a big knob in Egypt!" Nar at first it were too much for t'old man to tek in. Then when he sees all waggins full of clothes and food and what not he brightens up no end. "By eck!" he says. "I reckon it's true an'all! Our Joseph is alive! I'd best get me sen darn to Egypt afore am too old to get there and snuff it." Anyhow, so they set off to Egypt. Whole chuffin lot of 'em, wi' kids and grand kids and goats and donkeys and t'old job lot. Anyhow, they're goin along grand like and they come to a spot called Beersheba where Jacob decides he's goin to have a quick sacrifice and a chat wi' God. And during night Jacob has this dream. "Nar then," says God. "Oye! Jacob!" "Aye up," says Jacob. "Hows tha goin God?" "Grand," says God. "Anyhow. Don't thi fret thi sen abart goin darn to Egypt. I'll see to it that tha becomes a big nation. I'll tek thi darn to Egypt and I'll tek thi descendants art again...Eventually. But I've got some bad news for thee." "What's that then?" says Jacob. "Tha's goin to die in Egypt," says God.

"Oh," says Jacob. "Right you are." So Jacobs sets off next day and they end up in Egypt along wi' waggins, kids, grand kids and all manner of stuff what they brought darn with 'em. So when they get near, old Jacob sends Judah art to meet Joseph and tell him they were coming. So Joseph gets in his chariot and rides art to meet 'em at Goshen. And when they met up it were a right good do. It were ages since Joseph had seen his old Dad. And they were hugging and all that and they were right happy. Then Jacob says, "By eck it's good to see thi son," he says. "I can die happy nar I've seen thi safe and well." And Joseph says, "I'll just go and see old Paroah and tell him to put kettle on. And when he asks thi abart what tha does, tell him tha's bin shepherds for ages and he'll let thi live in Goshen. They don't reckon much to shepherds in some parts of Egypt, so tha's best off in Goshen tha knows." So anyhow, when they get to where they're going, Joseph goes and sees Pharoah wi' five of his brothers. "Me Dad and brothers have come darn from Canaan," says Joseph. "and if it's all right wi' thee they'd like to settle in Goshen." And Pharoah says to brothers, he says, "What's tha do for a living like?" And they say, "We bin shepherds for ages luv. We want to live here on as there int any grass left in Canaan. If it's all right wi' thee, we'd like to settle darn in Goshen." And Pharoah says to Joseph, "Get 'em sorted art int best place and while they're at it they can look after some

sheep what I've got an'all." Then Joseph brings his old Dad in to meet Pharoah. "Aye up Pharoah," says Jacob. "Aye up," says Pharoah. "Tha must be getting on a bit nar." "Oh ah," says Jacob. "I'm getting a bit long int tooth tha knows." And then Jacob blessed Pharoah, cos he could do that sort of thing tha knows. Well, what Joseph does is he goes and gives his Dad and brothers best land in Egypt at a spot called Rameses and they got on right well there. T'old famine were a bit nasty as tha can imagine but they did right well cos they had Joseph sorting things art. And so that's what happened. Don't know what happened to Joseph's poncey coat mind, but Jacob eventually lived a bit longer and snuffed it. Only before he snuffed it he got Jospeh to promise him that he'd tek his bones art on Egypt if they ever got around to leaving. And he did only that were a bit later and another story. So now tha knows.

SAMSON JUDGES 16.4.

Anyhow there was this bloke called Samson, right. He was a great big bloke what'd been upsetting these Philistine blokes and they were art to get 'im. Anyhow, Samson only falls in love with this girl called Delilah dunt he? And she were big trouble. So, these blokes who were heads of Philistines goes to Delilah like and they say she's got to tell 'em how to mek Samson right weak and soft so's they can beat him up a bit, cos he'd been getting right up their noses recently. "We'll give thi four hundred quid for job lot luv," they say. "Just get ol' muscle brains to tell thi what meks him strong and jobs a good un." So Delilah, she goes to Samson and she says, "Nar then luv," she says. "Nar then luv. What's secret of thi strength then or what? Cos no-one has captured thi like, if tha gets me meaning," she says. "Aye, by eck, happen," says Samson. "If tha ties me up wi' seven raw leather bow strings like, I go all weak." So, Philistines, they only go an get her some bow strings don't they? And while Samson is letting rip wi' his snoring she tied him up. And there were some blokes hiding and when she'd got him trussed up good an proper she starts yelling, "Nar then! Samson! Philistines are here!" And Samson goes, "Eh yer what?" and he snaps bow strings no bother so Philistines leg it double quick back to pub. And Delilah says, afterwards like, she says, "Are tha trying to mek me look daft or what," she says. "Tha's telling fibs aren't

tha. Nar tell me how tha can get captured." "Well," says Samson. "If tha ties me up wi brand new ropes I'll be weak as owt. Honest luv." So this time when Samson were clapped art sleeping she goes and gets some ropes and ties him up again. And Philistines had come back from pub and were hiding again, and Delilah says, "Nar then! Samson! Philistines are here!" And Samson goes," Hmph what! What's tha wake me up for!" Cos he was so strong he just snapped ropes dead easy and Philistines ran away again. "Tha's mekkin a fool on me," Delilah says all weepy and soppy. "Tha said tha'd go all weak if tha were tied wi' ropes. And it were a lie weren't it. Nar tell me how tha can be captured." Nar, tha'd have thought Samson might have twigged summat were up by nar, but he weren't over clever weren't Samson. So he says, "Well luv. If that sticks me 'air in t'old weaving loom and weave it a bit well that'll do trick and no messing." So she does dun't she and that dun't work either so Delilah's getting pretty chuffed off bi nar. "How can tha say tha loves me," Delilah starts crying, cos women do that when they aren't getting their own way. "How can tha say tha loves me," she starts whinging on like, "when tha won't tell me what meks thi so strong." And she goes on and on and on like they do when they want bathroom painting and that, and she nags him till he's well chuffed off wi' it, and he says, "Look!," he says. "Shut thi gob for a bit woman. Tha's wearing me ears art." And she says all coy and feminine like, as she's twiddling his hair, she says, "Sammy Wammy," she says, "If my ickle wickle Sammy Wammy will just tell me what makes him so strong...then I'll shut me gob abart it."

And Samson says, "For crying out loud," he says. "Look. If tha wants to know it's like this luv. What makes me so strong is 'cos me hair hasn't bin cut for yonks an if I have me 'air cut it'll mek me all soppy and weak. Nar get off me back will tha. Where's me supper?" So Delilah sends for Philistines and they come and hide again and when Samson was kipping Delilah gets a barber to cut his hair off. "Are tha goin anywhere nice this year?" barber says as he cuts Samson's hair..snip snip....."Anything for the weekend sir?" And then when he were done, Delilah screams right in Samson's earhole, "Nar then! Samson! Philistines are here!" And he woke up and he were dead weak and Philistines captured him no problem and poked his eyes art. And they teks him to Gaza and they shove him in a dungeon and chain him up. Only his 'air starts to grow again dunt it. And the Philistines have a big party bash wi' lots of brown ale and stuff and they drags art Samson so's they can all have a gorp at him and a right good laugh. So they bring him art into this big hall and mek him stand between these two right big pillars. And temple were full up wi' folk and Samson starts praying right hard and he says, "Nar then God. Can thy hear me or what? It's me Samson. Chap wi' long 'air. Can tha see thi way to mekkin me right strong. Philistines have only shoved me eyes out ant they? And if tha can see thi way to mekkin me right strong just for a bit I'll smash their heads in." And God goes, "Ah. All right then." And so Samson suddenly gets right strong and goes and pushes and pushes against the pillars like, and he shouts at top of his voice. "Cop for that!"

And all building comes darn on 'em and kills 'em all stone dead and Samson an' all cos he didn't get art of road quick enough. So that were end on it just cos he told his missis abart having his hair cut. So now tha knows.

DAVID AND GOLIATH 1 SAMUEL 17

Anyhow, one day there were this right to do, between Philistines on one hand and Saul's army on t'other. T'old Philistines were camped art between Socoh in Judah and Azekah in a spot called Ephes-dammim. So Saul like, he goes and puts lots of his men in at Elah Valley. So Philistines and Israelis were facing each other across this ravine like, with one lot on one hill side and one lot on t'other. Then this bloke called Goliath, he were a Philistine bloke from Gath, and he comes art of Philistines ranks and faces up to forces of Israel. Bold as brass he were an'all. And he were a big bloke, am not kiddin luv. He were at least three metres in height and he wore this huge bronze helmet and a massive coat of chain mail and these like bronze leggin things and he had a javelin what were massive with a great big heavy spear'ead on it. Anyhow, he goes and stands on top of this hill and he starts mouthin off at Israelis who were on t'other side. "Nar then!" he shouts. "Nar then! Does tha need a whole army to settle this or what luv," he says and he were struttin up and darn like a bantam cock he were. "I'll be bloke what fights for Philistines, and tha can choose someone to fight for thar piddlin lot, and we can settle it reet here and nar wi' just two on us." And, daft as owt, it were a good idea cos it'd save a lot of folk dying only there were a snag cos this Goliath bloke he says, "If thar bloke can kill me then we'll be thi slaves. But if I kill him then tha's in big trouble cos tha's got to be slaves for us like." And he gets right mad then and says, "Come on then pal! Send someone to beat me and I'll kick their 'eads in! Send us someone to fight then!" When Saul and rest on 'em heard this they were right unsettled they were. Nar abart this time there were this lad called David, and he had seven older brothers

and three eldest had already volunteered to Saul's army. And this David, he were sort of working part time for Saul so he were back and forth from army a good bit to see his Dad and Mam ont farm. Well, after this Goliath bloke had strutted back and forth shouting his head off for fotty days, Dave's Mam says to him, "Aye up luv," she says. "Tek us this grain and loaves and stuff to thi brothers what's ont battle field. And tha can tek this cheese for that nice Captain and let us know how they're getting on like. And whilst tha's at it tha can get boys to write. Dunt tek five minutes to write a letter to their Mam tha knows. Tha'd think they couldn't write or summat way they don't write to their Mam." So David sets off to tek all this gubbins to his brothers. And just as he gets to camp they're all setting art to go to battle field for day, and shouting and mekkin a din like what tha does when tha's in an army, so David goes along. Well afore long Philistines and Israelis were facing each other and David's rushing abart at front on it all, looking for his brothers, and as he's talking wi' em he sees this huge bloke step art from Philistines and start mouthing off again. And a lot of Israelis were right frightened and ran away on of this bloke being so huge. "Look at size on that!" some of 'em were saying. "Built like a brick house!" they said, or summat like that anyhow. "And he's insulted t'old army of Israel," someone else said. "And as thy heard abart reward what king is offering to anyone who can duff that big bloke in? King says he'll give away one of his daughters and tha dunt aft to pay taxes nor nowt ever again." Nar David were right interested in this and he says, "Tha what? Tha'll get what? Who's this big bloke anyhow?" And when David's brother heard what David were saying he knew what he were abart and he says to David, he says, "What's tha doing here anyhow? Tha's supposed to be at home looking after sheep. Tha's a reet big'ead just wanting to come and have a look at battle." And David says, "Blimey. Tha's always on at me. What've I done nar? I were only asking a question." And he walks away and asked a few more folk same

thing and when it were plain what David had in mind they told Saul and Saul sends for David. "Aye up king," says David." "Aye up," says Saul. "Nar then king," says David. "Tha can stop whittlin nar. I'll sort art this big bloke for thi." Well Saul looks David up and darn and he laughs and says, "Gerra grip!" he says. "Are tha stupid or what? How can a kid like thee fight wi' a big chuff like him?" But David weren't having none of it. "Listen," says David. "When I were tekkin care of me Dad's sheep and a lion or bear comes and grabs a lamb from t'old flock I go after it and get lamb back don't I? If it turns rarnd and tries to bite me I smash its brains in wi' a club. And I've done this afore luv, wi lions and bears and I can do same to this big Philistine bloke an'all, cos he's insulted God's army and its med me reet mad." And David were fair riled nar and he says, "Same God what saved me from teeth on a lion and bear'll be able to watch me back when am fighting a Philistine bloke no matter how big he is." So Saul goes and gives in dunt he, and he says, "Right enough. On thi own head be it, and I hope tha God's with thi." Then Saul gives David is own armour. It were a posh bronze helmet and a coat of chain mail. And David goes and puts it on and straps his sword on and had a walk rarnd a bit cos he'd not worn nowt like armour afore. "By eck it's heavy," he says. "I can hardly move." So he goes and teks it off again. Then he gets him sen five smooth stones from a stream and puts 'em in his shepherd's bag and armed wi' only a shepherd's staff and sling he sets art walking towards Goliath.

Then Goliath walks art from Philistines, pulling faces at this strip of a lad in front of him. "Does tha think I'm a dog or what!" he shouts, "that tha's come after me wi' a stick! Come over here tha little wazzock and I'll rip thi legs off and hit thi wi' a soggy end and then I'll feed 'em to birds." But David were a plucky lad and he shouts back just as 'ard. "Tha's come at me wi' a sword and a spear right enough," says David. "But I've come armed wi' God of heavens and Israel so tha's got no chance luv! This is same God what tha's bin calling names an'all. So today He'll wipe floor with thi and rip thi head off and then it'll be me luv, it'll be me what feeds thi brains to birds and everyone'll know as God's on side of Israel. Then Israel's goin to find art as God works wi folk, not wi' no weapons or owt like that. So tha's in big trouble cloth'ead!" Well, that were telling him weren't it? So Goliath were getting right chuffed off nar and he steps art to meet David. Only as he does this like, David quick as owt, reaches into his shepherd's bag, whips art a stone, and lobs it at Goliath wi' his sling shot. And he catches Goliath a right belter, right on his bonce it were, a real beauty. And he'd chucked it so 'ard it went right into Goliath's thick head and killed him just like that and David runs across to him and he pulls Goliath's sword from its scabbard and cuts off Goliath's head wi' one stroke. "Nar then," David says to Goliath. "Tha were sayin?" Then all Israeli army starts shouting and cheering and going mad like, and they all rushed after t'old Philistines and chased 'em as far as Gath and Gates of Ekron and that's some distance I can tell thi. Bodies of them Philistines were strewn all over shop. And it were such a good do that Saul med David commander of his troops and everyone thought it were a reet good idea. So now tha knows.

SOLOMON 1 KINGS 3

Anyhow, old Solomon goes and meks this alliance like, with Pharaoh who were this King of Egypt. Anyhow, what he does is he marries one of this bloke's daughters and brings her to Jerusalem in temporary digs int city of David. (Cos he'd got builders in and his new palace weren't ready yet.) Abart that time people of Israel used to mek sacrifices on alters, way up int hills, cos Solomon hadn't got rarnd to building a temple yet, but he had builders in so he was mekkin a start anyhow. Nar this Solomon bloke, he loved God a right lot and he followed all instructions left by his Dad, David he were called. And Solomon stuck right to rules what his old Dad had told him sept maybe for bit abart mekkin a sacrifice int hills. And this alter what everyone knew, like it were a land mark, it were at a place called Gibeon and old Solomon he goes and meks a sacrifice there. A right big one it were with a thousand burnt offerings, so tha can tell it were dead big. Well anyhow, after he comes home he gets him sen sorted art for a good nights kip. And he's sleepin away like tha does and God appears to him in a dream. God comes into this dream like, and He says, "Nar then Solomon," he says. "Nar then. Ask me for owt tha wants. Go on. Ask me for owt that wants and it'll come true." And Solomon, he says, "By eck! Well I'll have to think abart that a minute." So anyhow he has a think and he says, "I've thought abart it and I were thinking like how tha's bin really good to me old Dad, David, tha re him dunt tha? Anyhow, tha were always right good to him cos of fact that he were honest and took notice of them commands what tha give him. And I've become King nar tha knows. Well, course tha knows dunt tha God, but anyhow, it's a right job being King and I feel like a little kid what dunt know nowt. And if that weren't enough, here I am slap bang int middle of people of Israel who're dead special to thi, as tha knows, and

there's thousands on 'em! So, I've bin thinking," Solomon says and he clears his throat and looks up to sky. "I reckon what would be right good would be to have a reet good brain. Tha knows what I mean? Then I can govern and know what's right and what's wrong and all that gubbins. Cos it's dead 'ard doin it on me own." Well God were dead chuffed wi' this. He were so pleased he says, "Nar then," says God. "Cos tha's asked for a reet good brain and haven't asked for no money or a long life nor nowt, or even for me to beat thi enemies brains in, I'll tell thi what I'll do. I'll give thi what tha wants. Oh aye! I'll give thi a brain box on thi what's wiser than what anyone has ever had, or will have ever. And I'll even give thi what tha didn't ask for on of being dead chuffed with what tha's said." "Grand," says Solomon. "Aye. Well shuttup a minute and listen," says God. "What I'll do is I'll mek thi rich. There'll be nobody as rich as what you are or as famous neither. And I'll give thi a long life if tha's obedient and does just like what tha Dad did." And then old Solomon he goes and wakes up and he goes, "By eck! I've had a right dream me!" And he goes off to Jerusalem and goes into Tabernacle and he goes and stands in front of t'old Ark of t'old Covenant of Lord, and he sacrifices burnt offerings and that. And then he invites all his officials and big wigs to this massive nosh up. Well anyway, soon after this, when they'd washed dishes up I suppose, anyway it were afterwards, these two prostitutes come and see old Solomon. See, they were having a right barney and they thought he might give 'em a good sorting art. "Nar then," first one says. "Me and this one here live int same house, just two on us, and I've had a babby. And when it were only three days old this old bag here has a babby an'all. Only her babby goes and dies, dunt it, on as she squashed it during night. Right? Are tha with me? Anyhow, she only goes and nicks me babby dunt she? She goes and steals me babby boy and leaves me wi' her dead one. And int morning I tried to feed it and it were dead. I could tell."

And t'other woman, she were dead mad and she says, "Shurrup! Dead one were thine and living one were mine!" And she turns to Solomon. "It were Mester, honest." "Shut thi gob!" t'other woman screams. "Dead babby is thine and living one is mine!" Anyhow, they go on and on for a bit and they're getting right worked up they are and Solomon, he's bin sitting there right quiet like what tha does when tha's thinking and he says, "Nar then. Owd up wi' thi gabbin a minute!" And two women shut up for a minute. And Solomon says, "Let's get facts right afore we all fall art. Nar then," he says. "Tha's both saying that living babby belongs to thi sen. And tha's both saying as what the dead one belongs to t'other. Well," Solomon says dead calm. "Someone bring me a sword and we'll have this sorted in no time." Well, that caused a stir I'll tell thi. A sword! Anyhow, a guard goes and gets a sword and he comes back and Solomon says, "Chop babby in two and give 'em an arf each." Blimey! Look on their faces were a picture. Then woman who were real mother she shouts dead loud. She says, "Don't do it Mester! Give it to her! Don't kill me babby!" And t'other woman goes, "Go on then! Kill it if tha wants to. Then it won't be hers or mine and that'll settle matter won't it." Well, Solomon weren't daft tha knows. He knew straight off what crack were. "Give babby to this woman who wants him to live. She's his real Mam," he says. And so it were right woman what got babby and that were end on it. Only word spread right quick throughout land and many a folk said, "Tha knows that

Solomon? Got a right brain on 'im he has." So now tha knows.

JONAH 1

Jonah the son of Amittai were walking along like, tha knows how tha does, and anyhow this reet loud voice suddenly goes, "Oye! Nar then Jonah!" And Jonah thought, "Aye up? Who's that then?" And God says, "Get thi brains together. It's me. God!" And Jonah looked up to sky and says, "Well I'll go to foot of our stairs. How's tha bin God?" "Reet grand," says God. "Anyhow, I've got a bit of a job on for thi like and it's a rush job so tha'd best owd up thi gabbin' an listen." So Jonah lifted his cap and scratched his head. "What's to do then God?" And God says, like in a right loud voice it was 'cos He's a big fella is God, He says, "Nar then. Get thi sen to great city of Nineveh and give 'em this announcement from Me like. Tell 'em: I'm going to destroy thi, cos tha wickedness rises before me, it reeks to highest heaven and I'm chuffed off wi' it." Now Nineveh weren't some little village outside Barnsley tha knows. No! Nineveh were this great codswollaping city like with a shopping precinct and that. And Jonah weren't no hoity toity bloke like a vicar nor nothing, he were just right ordinry like me and thee. And it fair took him back it did, 'cos when tha gets reet darn to it, it int every day like what God actually speaks to thi, get me meaning. And then tha's got to reckon on fact that Jonah weren't any better'n anyone at standing in middle of a city shouting abart a message from God.

"Gi'ooer!," Jonah said. "Tha can't expect me to stand int middle of city telling folk I've heard a message from God. They'll think I'm reet rarnd bend! I mean, gerra grip, 'God has sent me this message to tell thi...'. Dunt bare thinking abart." But God weren't having none of it, so Jonah, being a bit ont sneaky side like, he just nods his head and agrees and then when God weren't looking he legs it darn to sea coast to this port of Joppa where he found a ship like, leaving for Tarshish. Anyhow, he bought a ticket and went aboard and climbed down into a cubby hole in t'hold of ship, like with a mind to hide if you get me meaning. But anyhow, as ship were sailing along God found him. Well, stands to reason, know what I mean. God's good at finding folk and hiding in a cubby hole on a ship when God's art to get thi int going to do nobody no good. I mean, God didn't get where he is today by not being able to find folk hiding in a ship. So God loses his rag a bit, and He flings this massive wind across sea and it were dark over Bill's mother's that day I can tell thi. And it were such a blinder of a storm that all sailors were dead scared cos it looked like ship were goin to go darn any minute. Only daft thing is, Jonah were asleep in hold of ship at time. Some people are like that tha knows. Sleep through owt. Anyhow, t'old Captain, gaffa of ship was above deck like, and were wondering where Jonah were. Cos everyone else were dead scared of dying and it were a bit odd that Jonah were missing. So's he goes to hold of ship and shouts darn and he says, "What tha playing at!", he shouts. "What tha playing at! Dun't tha know we're all goin to drown or what?" And Jonah says, "Hmmph. Eh?", cos he'd just woken up like. "Tha's best get thi sen up here and pray quick pal," says Captain. Then crew, who were beside 'emselves wi' worry on of being abart to die see, cos that puts wind up a lot of folk being abart to die, anyhow they drew lots dint they. It were a sort of way to see who'd offended God see. Cos they knew see, that someone aboard ship had done summat what God weren't dead chuffed abart on

of they were all abart to die. So they drew lots like, and then it turns out it were Jonah who got short straw. Well, Jonah were right taken aback. "Bar gum!" says Jonah. "By eck!" says crew. "What's tha bin doin?" they all asked. "What's tha done to give God narks on? Are tha working or what? And where's tha come from like?" And Jonah says, "Gi ooer! I'm a Jew if tha must know, but like hang on a bit luv. I think God's a right good bloke tha knows, him who made heaven and sea and that. Only I'm supposed to go to this city like and make a complete prat of me sen parading up and darn telling folk they're going to die. I mean, tha can imagine it can't tha? 'Tha's all goin to die!' I mean, who's going to believe that for a start luv, wi' out all this turning from sin an that." And Jonah shrugged like, like with his shoulders he gives this shrug and he says, "So I run away." And crew says, "Reet that's it then. That's what's causing this 'ere storm. It's this pillock 'ere what ran away from God. No wonder we're all abart to die." And they grabbed hold of Jonah and say, "So what's tha going to do abart it then?" And Jonah, sort of joking like, he says, "Well tha could always chuck me overboard." And crew thought he'd gone a bit soft in head like so they ignored him for a bit only storm were getting worse and they started praying right loud. "Nar then God,!" they said. "Gi'ooer God. It weren't nothing to do wi' me luv. I don't know nowt abart it. It were this pillock 'ere, not nowt to do wi us." And storm got worse and worse until they said, "Oh stuff this," and lobbed Jonah into sea. And then, right sudden, it went quiet. Like it were lagging it down one minute

and next minute it were a right nice day. "Well I'll be blowed," they says. "Tek a look at that will thi." And then on of God being able to do owt he wants, this wollaping great fish comes along and swallows Jonah. No tomato sauce nor nothing, just straight darn in one gob full and he were stuck and no mistake for three days and three nights. Anyhow, after three days and three nights Jonah were getting a bit chuffed off wi' all this so he starts praying. "Now then God," he says. "Can thy hear me or what? When I were fed up I prayed to thee last time. If tha gets me meaning. And it were thee what sorted me out like. When tha comes darn to nitty gritty I reckon it were thee what straightened me up when I were a bit chuffed off. Don't reckon much to this fish business like, but I'm right sorry abart everything and I know I've med a pigs ear on it. I'm dead sorry. Honest luv." And God were dead pleased wi' this cos Jonah had said sorry, so he made this big fish honk up Jonah ont beach. Then God says, when Jonah got his breath back, God says, "Nar stop messin' abart will thi. Get thi sen darn to Nineveh," says God. "And tell 'em what I said last time." So Jonah tipped peak of his cap like, and he says, "Right you are God." And off he goes to this Nineveh place. And it were a right place. It were even bigger'n Manchester. It'd tek someone three days to walk rarnd it, I'm not kiddin. But anyhow, on first day ol' Jonah goes right into shopping precinct and starts shouting at folk. "Tha's all goin to die!" shouts Jonah. "Tha's all goin to die less tha gives up all this sinning and...and sinning and being bad and that. Tha's all goin to die," says Jonah and he started to get right into swing of things.

"In fotty days," shouts Jonah. "In fotty days, from right nar this minute like," says Jonah and taps his watch. "In fotty days tha's all goin to die!" And daft as owt they believed him. Well it were a fair turn for book by all s. And they went at it like good uns. They all stopped stuffing their faces right from King right darn to working classes and then they all wore this like sack clothing stuff like what they did when they were in mourning. Nar all this is cos ol' King of Nineveh heard abart what Jonah were saying and he stepped darn from throne and put on sack clothing stuff and sat his sen darn in ashes which is dead sore on your bum cos I've tried it. Anyhow, t'old King then sends a message to everyone and he says, "I'll not be havin anyone eating animals nor food nor nothing and come to that even t'animals had better not eat nowt or I'll give em a clip round ear'ole. And you've all got to wear this sack cloth stuff an'all and we'll have none of this sinning stuff neither. I mean, we might just get away with it, if we stop all this stuff right nar and maybe God won't duff us in." And when God saw what they were abart he were well pleased and he decided that he wouldn't smash t'old city up after all on as they'd turned from sin and that. So after fotty days nowt happens does it? And Jonah got to find out abart this cos he were expecting thunderbolts and stuff, like what happens when God smashes somewhere up, only nothing happens and Jonah were seething. And he shouts up to God and he says. "Nar then! What's crack here God!" And he shook his fist and he says, "I knew tha were going to do this. I just knew it. When tha stopped me in street and says to come darn here, I thought, 'Aye up, he's goin on abart smashing things up and I'm not stupid cos God is supposed to be kind and that'. And I were right, weren't I God?" And Jonah were getting upset nar. "So's tha might aswell smash me brains in! Come on! Come on then! Kill me if tha wants to. Tha's made me look a reet pillock in front of everyone asn't tha! There's me going rarnd telling folk they're all going to die and tha's only gone and changed thi chuffin mind that's all," says Jonah. "Tha's med me look a right prat!" Then God says,

"Aye up Jonah. Stop being a pillock. I'm supposed to be good . I can't go rarnd smashing places up if they say they're going to stop sinning and stuff. Tha gets reet up me nose sometimes Jonah." So Jonah says, "Oh stuff this," and he goes and builds a leaf shelter and sits under a tree sulking. And God felt a bit sorry for him like so when the leaf shelter fell to bits int sun he med this vine grow right quick and shade him. Only thing was, God only goes and puts this little worm in it dun't he? And this worm munched away like a goodun and eventually it died, the vine that is, and then Jonah got all hot and bothered again. "I want to die," Jonah says, cos he was a bit of a pansy when tha got right darn to it. "Let me die." And God says, like dead casual, he says, "If tha's chuffed off cos plant died, then hows tha think I feel about a city as massive as what Nineveh is. Took me ages to mek that. Tha can't expect me to go rarnd knocking off summat that big. Nar pull thi sen together and lets have no more on it." And he did and they were right good friends after that, only Jonah never did like fish much. So now tha knows.

THE YORKSHIRE BIBLE STORIES by DAVID HALLAMSHIRE