The Pain Of Reality And The Reality Of Pain 735f1s

The Pain of Reality and the Reality of Pain

ENOLA TON

Copyright © 2016 Enola Ton.

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ISBN: 978-1-5127-6348-5 (sc) ISBN: 978-1-5127-6349-2 (e)

WestBow Press rev. date: 11/03/2016

dedicated to Jenny November 25, 1976 - November 22, 2008 you are not forgotten beloved friend

my story of surviving and overcoming childhood abuse expressed through reflective letters between child me and adult me taken from my blog notalonebecausejesus.blogspot.com

sustaining gratitude to: my creator and savior-Jesus Christ and to my family: my husband-soul mate, lover, and confidant my children-my inspiration my mother-my hero my brothers-my strength my friends-my safe people you know who you are thank you

Foreword

The Pain of Reality and The Reality of Pain is the compilation of conscious internal reflections of one woman’s review of past and current pain, memories, and the effective recovery from a personal history of physical, sexual, and emotional abuse. The reflections are presented in a series of letters to the personality constructs of an adult self and a child self. Those internal communications are gratefully published for others to share, and allow a revealing insight into how the human experience can thrive through openness to understanding, comion for life, and a commitment to a deep Christian faith. These pages offer a refreshing resource for the journey of a pained soul. I pray that you will accept this book with openness for healing.

With Great Comion for all who have a cause to meditate on the messages,

Charlotte A. Carlson, M.Ed., M.S., J.D. Licensed Psychological Examiner – Independent Licensed Professional Counselor

dear

fifty year old me

i can’t see you. i don’t know you.

i want you to be there. somewhere in the future.

i want to help you make it. but sometimes. all i can do. is to barely. keep breathing.

i can’t give up. i can’t give in. i can’t accept. that this. is all there is.

life can’t all be. this vile. this painful. this frightening. this sad.

i can tell you. i believe. god is real.

that’s about all. i know. for sure.

god is real.

jesus is real.

i believe.

he knows. knows all.

And pray that we be delivered from wicked and evil people, for not everyone has faith. 2 Thessalonians 3:2

dear five year old me

you are pretty brave.

resourceful. resilient. creative.

you wonder. is this normal?

and yet.

you somehow know. no one will believe.

the terrifying. reality. of your life.

you are. so little. so young. so petrified.

you survived.

you are still overcoming.

But those who suffer He delivers in their suffering; He speaks to them in their affliction. Job 36:15

dear grown up me

i dread going home. but. nowhere else to go.

my face. still red. tender. throbbing. from his. fists. this morning. before school. my lip. busted. bruised.

my heart. sad.

my mind. angry.

surely tonight. will be even worse. he is a raging. lunatic.

his terror. strikes. my body. like a ton of weights.

i want to cry.

i want to grow up.

i pray to jesus. please. help me. grow up.

i believe.

he knows.

knows all.

Jesus wept. John 11:35

dear vulnerable me child

i’m still here. moving around on planet earth.

your courage helped me survive.

you are vulnerable. helpless. he takes advantage of you. mercilessly. shame and humiliation. violence and torment. his weapons.

you are defenseless. against his strength. his brutality. evil.

your body. damaged beyond repair.

your soul. distorted.

your heart. broken.

your mind. twisted.

you survived.

you are still overcoming.

p e r s e v e r a n c e

dear older me

i hope you are there. i am afraid. angry.

raging mad.

my head hurts a lot.

my mind. tortured. with hellish thoughts.

i’m making a plan. to make him stop. it doesn’t work.

i am enduring. desperate to survive. frantically trying. to make it all. make sense.

i bang my head. against the wall. to try and make the images. go away.

it doesn’t work.

someone keeps telling me about jesus.

i believe.

he knows. knows all.

Overhearing what they said, Jesus told him, “Don’t be afraid; just believe.” Mark 5:36

dear grade school me

i you. so incredibly determined. his terror. often causes you. to freeze. on the inside.

he twists. taunts. torments. tortures.

you resist. recoil. repress. regurgitate.

you can’t make what is happening to you stop.

you can’t make what is happening in your head stop.

you endure. being used. in the vilest ways.

you find ways. to help you cope. with the madness. around you. the madness. inside of you.

you are. clever. silent. tough.

you never let him. see you cry.

you survived.

you are still overcoming.

I my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. Lamentations 3:19

dear adult me

i wish. i knew. if you are there. still surviving. every day is a battle. i cannot avoid. i can’t hide from him.

i’m tired. of the fight. in my mind. in my body. to just take it. the vicious. depraved. constant.

assaults.

i am rebelling. revolting. retaliating. he is relentless. i tried to hurt him. he laughed. lunged. and threw me around. like a rag doll. if you are there, i know you will . these days. well. but i so want you to forget.

the horror.

i listen to everything i can about jesus.

i daydream about his crucifixion. the horror.

the love.

i believe.

he knows. knows all.

D e t e r m i n a t i o n

dear adolescent me

i am here. i wish i could assure you. that i’m here. your sheer will power. to survive. is astounding.

you are tender. you are determined. i know. you feel. weak. helpless. paralyzed. but you are. strong. courageous. smart. he knows that. it worries him. his violence escalates.

you become. more creative. more clever. more introverted. more hidden. more enraged.

he is. afraid of you. he becomes. more desperate. he can only find. more ways to. defile you. contain you. control you.

you obey. you hate yourself. for obeying. you rage. you hate yourself. for raging.

you run to jesus. in your mind. your heart. your spirit.

because of jesus-

you survived.

you are still overcoming.

I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” Psalm 91:2

dear woman me

i believe. you are there. i hope. i pray.

i’m finding. new ways. to cope. to rebel. to control. something. anything.

i feel embarrassed. all the time. ashamed. confused.

he loves to humiliate. degrade. berate. punish. accuse. abuse. sometimes. i think this can’t be real. it has to be a crazy. devilish. nightmare. but it is all too real. the internal pain. every bit as real. as the physical pain.

my body. devastated. my mind. poisoned. my heart. distorted. my spirit. unbeatable.

i heard. jesus is. a man of sorrow. acquainted with grief. familiar with suffering.

i believe.

he knows. knows all.

He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. Like one from whom men hide their faces He

was despised, and we esteemed Him not. Isaiah 53:3

dear little girl me

you survived little one. i’m here. still kind of little. only much older. much tamer. still outraged by injustice. indignity. indifference.

your little heart. reacts to other’s suffering. you weep for them. on the inside. you scream. to god. with silent. pleadings. to make abs stop. make him stop.

i . your fantasies of. vengeance. justice. retribution. if you had the strength. to stop him. you would. your wit is. no match. for his strength. you lose. every time. you must try.

you become jaded. cynical. ugly. bitter. ambivalent. you don’t settle there. your heart. won’t let you. you run to jesus. in your thoughts. you . his words. what he said. on the cross.

forgive them. your sharp edges. begin to. soften.

because of jesus-

you survived.

you are still overcoming.

F o r g i v e n e s s

dear big me

i need you to be there. big. strong. powerful. i want you to speak. for little ones. who can’t speak. for themselves. i want you to see. don’t look away.

i want you to be there. big. strong. powerful. to show him. he beat you down. tore you apart. shredded your dignity. he devours. demeans. degrades. he did not defeat you. he will not destroy you.

i despise him. i feel sorry for him.

jesus stays with me. through every endless hour. i see him in my mind. i feel him in my soul. i am not alone.

i imagine his death. on the cross. the endless hours.

of barbaric torture. leading to the cross. the bible says. he came to that which was his own, and his own did not receive him.

creator. savior. have mercy on us.

i believe.

he knows. knows all.

He came to that which was His own, but His own did not receive Him. John 1:11

dear confused child me

his name for you. should not be repeated.

you are not that. i hate that he called you that. you internalize those words. they haunt you. torment you. his words are powerful. they damage you. severely.

his massive body and filthy words. inflict irreversible injuries. to your body. devastating wounds. to your soul. deep brokenness. to your heart.

his words. never really leave you. they do lose their sting. their power. their influence.

at a very young age. you choose. to believe jesus. you discover the journey of change.

exchange. redemption.

transformation.

because of jesus-

you survived.

you are still overcoming.

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take

heart! I have overcome the world. John 16:33

dear lady me

i imagine you. grown up. being a lady. like the lady. i ire most. in whose womb. i was knit together.

so many times. i want to run away. my love. my need for her. keeps me in place. my need for her love. paramount. my desire to defend her. to deflect assaults. keeps me in place.

she seems so strong. tough. she does not cry. out loud. he punched her last night. right in front of me. i threw boiling water. on his back. he turned his assaults. on me.

everything hurts. everything. try to make myself invisible. feel so dirty. being in water. my favorite place. water. need more water.

back to school tomorrow. i fear my mask is cracking.

someone will see. my shame. my humiliation.

jesus. despised the shame. he is the only. hope. i have.

i believe.

he knows. knows all.

E n d u r a n c e

dear fragile small me

you are brave. so very brave. i know. how angry. and terrified. you are.

how fragile. you are.

your body. was never meant to be. used. abused. beaten. trashed. exposed. exploited. devalued.

i the battles in your mind. he makes you sick; you feel sorry for him. you detest him; you obey him. you fear him; you pray for him.

you feel guilty. ashamed. for what he is doing. you can’t understand. any of it.

you run. to jesus. with your thoughts. your fears. your pain. your anger.

he comforts you. assures you. builds your faith. in him. you trust him.

because of jesus-

you survived.

you are still overcoming.

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see Hebrews 11:1

dear silent adult me

if you are there. i wonder. are you still being silent? have you told anyone yet?

i feel as though. i will explode soon. the secret is so heavy. but i can’t speak of it. mustn’t speak of it.

i am a freak of nature. if i speak of it. i will be even more of an outcast. so i pretend. pretend i’m normal. pretend nothing is wrong.

i’m building an imaginary wall. around my soul. so the words won’t leak out. so no one can peek in.

jesus is here. in my soul. i tell him everything. i have no memories. of not knowing. violent sex. i have no memories. of not knowing. god.

how can that be? how can the holy one.

creator. savior. stay with me. in the horror? he never leaves me.

no pretending with him.

i believe.

he knows. knows all.

would not God have discovered it, since He knows the secrets of the heart? Psalm 44:21

dear masked child me

it is a constant. desperate. challenge. masking the pain. masking the reality.

the pain of reality. the reality of pain.

the monster. ab. coward. bully. rules his kingdom. with evil power. fierce brutality. shameless control. intimidating force. callous humiliation.

you are powerless. helpless. defenseless. petrified. to change. the reality. the pain.

you are prayerful. brave. wise. courageous. to turn. your thoughts. to jesus.

creator. savior. redeemer. healer. king of kings. rules your soul. with perfect power. relentless love.

gentle correction. healing guidance. intimate truth.

because of jesus-

you survived.

you are still overcoming.

C o u r a g e

-because of jesus… i can laugh. love. even cry…

…without a mask.

dear tomorrow me

i wonder. will you be there.

tomorrow?

his cruel hate. will surely. kill me. tonight. can’t control my breathing. shaking. shivering. sweating. searing pain. petrified. frozen. sick.

need. the bathroom. will have to move. will have to open the door. turn on the light. no. can’t turn the light on.

tonight.

i wish he would. kill me. then it would be over. i won’t move. until morning. praying now.

ing jesus. asking his father. if there be any.

other. way. let this cup . from me. nevertheless. not my will. but your will. be done.

i will cling to him. because of jesus. i am not alone.

i believe.

he knows. knows all.

He went away a second time and prayed, “My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless

I drink it, may Your will be done.” Matthew 26:42

dear chaotic child me

his daily terror. violent tantrums. habitual torment. gruesome abuse. create chaos. in your body. your soul. your spirit. catastrophic chaos. inside. and out. you try so hard. to be strong. tough. brave.

and you are. you carry the chaos. with quiet strength. sheer will power. wild imagination. twisted rebellion. one day. you see. the damage done to you. it disturbs you.

he poisoned you. every part of you. you see clearly. how messed up you are. and that you will. resemble your ab. if you don’t reject his lies.

you begin an arduous. healing. journey. to resemble your creator. jesus. nurtures you. cleanses you. forgives you. redeems you. knows you.

transforms you. heals you. teaches you. comforts you. loves you.

because of jesus-

you survived.

you are still overcoming.

T r a n s f o r m a t i o n

dear battle worn older me

the battle rages on here. the things he forces me to do. are ravaging my soul. he is vicious. depraved. cruel. strong. demanding. vile.

his intense fury. feels like a hurricane. in my body. in my head. swirling thoughts. images. words. pounding. cutting.

my body. hate my body. my body feels helpless. like waves in the open ocean. submitting to a violent. treacherous. deadly. cyclone. tossed. tormented. tortured. twisted.

i find little relief lately. if any. i retreat to jesus. every chance i get. i wonder about his life here. the life he chose. he willingly submitted to. violent. treacherous. deadly. people. to pay for my sins. to know suffering.

in the most intimate way.

he bore the punishment. of sin. for the entire human race. he suffered. rejection. sorrow. pain. humiliation. betrayal. abuse. grief. torture. the likes of which. i cannot fathom.

i believe.

he knows. knows all.

But He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon Him,

and by His wounds we are healed. Isaiah 53:5

dear lonely child me

i the loneliness. the sadness. the darkness. he smiles. when he sees. your fear. your anger. your desperation. he is callous. mean. hurtful. dangerous.

if anyone could hear. your deadened voice. they might see. your raw. shattered. lonely. weak. self. if they see. they will kick you. further. into the pit. trust. no. one. embrace. the loneliness.

you are not alone.

jesus. is. your salvation. your hope. your rock. your refuge. in the solitude of your soul. he abides. constant. faithful. strong. gentle. kind. patient. worthy.

he changes you. reshapes you. cleans you. redeems you. restores you. frees you. teaches you.

guides you. corrects you. loves you.

he shows you. over time. who to trust.

because of jesus-

you survived.

you are still overcoming.

R e d e m p t i o n

dear gentle older me

please be gentle. older me. he is so harsh. his words. his attacks. his force. his hate. so very harsh.

i crave gentleness. softness. kindness. quietness.

my life now. is anything but gentle. everything seems cold. sharp. savage. gnawing. putrid smells. wretched pain. horrific thoughts. messy emotions.

rain comforts me. its gentle strength. makes me feel clean. for a moment. my soul connects to jesus. in a strange way. when it storms. i can’t explain it. there is something about rain. and tears. that remind me. of gentle strength. gentle power. of jesus.

he sees me. he hears me. he knows me. he is with me. he whispers to me. of his life. his death. his resurrection. his power. his victory. his sorrow. his joy. his mercy. his grace. his love.

i believe.

he knows. knows all.

Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me. Psalm 42:7

dear tormented child me

i know you’re tired. spent. weak. his torment. like acid. erodes your hope. strips your dignity. mangles your body. scars your mind. stunts your growth. invades your soul. corrupts your thoughts. stains your heart. grieves your spirit.

he smashes. your sense of self respect. self worth. he reminds you. often. that you are. his play thing. his punching bag. an object. for his wrath.

although you come close. you don’t give up.

jesus. doesn’t let you.

your battle to survive. becomes. a battle to learn. grow. change. overcome. transform. apart from jesus. you can’t win.

with jesus. victory is yours.

because of jesus-

you survived.

you are still overcoming.

Who is it that overcomes the world? Only he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God. 1 John 5:5

dear ashamed adult me

if you survive. if you are there. in an unknown future. shame must be. your constant companion.

he hurts. and humiliates. mercilessly. with dark. devious. dirty. calculating. power and force. manipulation and control. i feel. weak. abandoned. helpless. mortified.

ashamed.

hope fades. but flickers. when i think of jesus. run to jesus. hold onto jesus. believe jesus. he walked on earth. encountered abusive. selfish. stubborn. self centered. out of control. people.

he promises us. we will have trouble. in this world. he encourages us. to take heart. he assures us.

he has overcome. the world. he paid for sin. defeated death. forgives sin. offers life.

i believe.

he knows. knows all.

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character and

character, hope. Romans 5:3-4

dear rebel child me

anger and rebellion. your response to. his darkness. his abuse. is your world. for now.

your rage. is the most powerful tool. you have. it is the force. behind the. rebel. in you. rage. protects you. helps you survive. gives you an outlet. for the tsunami of. ugly thoughts. dark emotions. extreme behavior.

rage. is also the most destructive tool. you have. it is a risky. deceptive. treacherous. road. for. your sin.

your rage. has a life of its own. a life jesus. understands. takes. bears. washes. redirects.

your persistent. determined. stubborn. tenacious. faith. in jesus. eventually. eradicates. your rage.

he does not. condemn you. reject you. hate you. he does. forgive you. accept you. love you.

because of jesus-

you survived.

you are still overcoming.

O v e r c o m i n g

dear damaged adult me

i’m stuck in hell here. his brutality. is maniacal. nowhere to. run. hide. elude. evade.

should you survive. i don’t know yet. the damage. you will bear. in your soul. your body. your spirit.

i’m terrified. angry. hurting. always. i am nothing special. i take it. take it. take it. take. it.

i tell myself. one day. this will. be over. but. then. what? i am. ugly. tired. helpless. angry. ashamed. afraid.

damaged.

i dream of. freedom. kindness. gentleness. love. peace. mercy. joy. courage. jesus.

he comforts me. strengthens me. reminds me. he is. all knowing. ever present. all powerful. i will cling. to him.

i believe.

he knows. knows all.

that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the

children of God. Romans 8:21

dear tiny terrified child me

you are. fragile. isolated. confused. terrified.

tiny.

you are. strong. resourceful. smart. brave. tough.

he. shames. mangles. strangles. ridicules. de-humanizes. your tiny body.

keep breathing through. the terror. tiny. terrified. child me.

your perpetual. chronic. retreats. to jesus. are your. greatest decisions. you believe. he will not allow. your reality. to be wasted. you are certain. he will. one day.

make all things.

new.

because of jesus-

you survived.

you are still overcoming.

I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone

and give you a heart of flesh. Ezekiel 36:26

dear adult survivor me

this day. changed me. i’m sure of it. the smallest movement. hurts. even my skin. is sick. my mind. a disaster.

how will i hide? these bruises. these scars. this rage. this sadness. this humiliation.

how can i pretend? this day. didn’t happen. how can i forget? so you won’t . today. the pain. and the shame. are too much. you will always carry. the destruction. of this day. in your body. soul. and spirit.

i do. want to. survive.

with a drop. of faith. i pray. to jesus. he knows. the horror. of this day. he was there. he is here.

i am not alone.

again. i ponder. his life here. his crucifixion. his words. his power. his promises.

i believe.

he knows. knows all.

For no matter how many promises God has made, they are “Yes” in Christ. And so through Him the “Amen” is spoken

by us to the glory of God. 2 Corinthians 1:20

dear awkward adolescent child me

i know you feel. clumsy. nervous. edgy.

awkward.

you are. confused. humiliated. outraged. i wish. i could. help you know. the end to his abuse. is coming.

one day. you will. walk away. you will carry. with you. the pain. of your reality. and the reality. of your pain.

the onslaught. of intense emotions. that ravage. your soul. will lessen. you will learn. to manage. the aftermath. of his. violence.

jesus. understands your pain. he suffered. and despised. the shame. he endured. the hatred of.

a sin filled world. where lies. and insults were. hurled.

you . him. you trust. him.

because of jesus-

you survived.

you are still overcoming.

P a t i e n c e

dear broken older me

my heart. is broken. my spirit crushed. my body. feels wretched. my soul. in pieces. i dread. being home. alone. with him.

i fight. the fear within. i berate. myself. in my thoughts. i feel. foolish. stupid. not human. a broken. object.

i hold on. to hope. that jesus will. sustain me. rescue me. free me. heal me.

for now i hide. my pain. trusting in. his mercy.

i a story. he met a lady. at a well. he told her. he was living water. he spoke words. of life to her. he loved her. she knew it.

he knew. everything. about her. his very presence. changed her life. that day.

jesus binds up. the broken hearted. because he sees. he hears. he feels. he enters. our suffering.

i believe.

he knows. knows all.

Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. Hebrews 12:3

dear brave child me

i know you feel. unhinged. disted. desperate. he likes to keep. you. that way.

commotion. disturbance. turmoil. violence. abuse. his tools. to control you. demean you. intimidate you. keep you quiet. afraid. dependent.

you are. stubborn. smart. vigilant.

brave.

you are brave. when you rebel. you are brave. when you submit.

you believe. jesus is with you. always. you believe. he will rescue you. clean you. change you.

you know. jesus is not okay. with your reality. you trust him. as you endure the pain. he never. leaves you.

because of jesus-

you survived.

you are still overcoming.

The LORD is slow to anger but great in power; the LORD will not leave the guilty unpunished. His way is in the whirlwind and the storm,

and clouds are the dust of His feet. Nahum 1:3

dear defiled lady me

i resent. the reality. that i will. never. know. what it feels like. to be a virgin. he stole that. from me. like a savage.

he ransacks. my body.

wreaks havoc. on my mind.

breaks. my heart.

my soul is raw. wild. misguided. poisoned.

i am desolate.

defiled.

i long to be clean. peaceful. whole.

jesus promises peace. salvation. freedom. growth. strength. forgiveness. mercy. grace. love. comion. redemption.

i believe.

he knows. knows all.

G e n t l e n e s s

dear tenacious child me

you want to cave. crash. explode. implode. you tolerate unthinkable assaults. unspeakable abuse. you feel suffocated. by your fear. your humiliation. your shame.

you choke. on the pain. the reality. the sadness.

you grieve. silently. you feel like. you are drowning. you gasp. grasp. grope.

for jesus.

you . they came for him. with clubs and swords. betrayer kissed him. they hauled him. to trial. he was. tortured. and nailed to a cross. to pay. for my sin.

suspended there. between his home. and the world. he created below. he bore. the wrath. of god. that was meant. for me.

because of jesus-

you survived.

you are still overcoming.

fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before Him He endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat

down at the right hand of the throne of God. Hebrews 12:2

dear older overcomer me

i am helpless. vulnerable. enraged.

i am a prisoner. held captive. by his frenzy. to control.

i try to imagine. a better life.

a life of purity. understanding. peace. love.

freedom.

i don’t know how. or when. or where. but i cling to. hope. that jesus will. set me. free. he will provide. the way. for me to.

overcome.

should i survive.

he knows. my past. he knows. my present. he knows. my future. i feel. his presence. his love. his comion.

i believe.

he knows. knows all.

F r e e d o m

dear comionate younger me

you never want anyone. to feel. the way you do. to suffer abuse. loneliness. fear. sadness. terror. brutality. bullying.

your heart is angry. yet tender. downtrodden. yet hopeful. hardened. yet soft. roughened. yet gentle. resentful. yet comionate.

you come to know. a love greater than any other. deeper than any sorrow. stronger than any despair.

jesus takes your hand. your heart. your pain. your shame. his comion. is salve for your soul.

because of his. relentless love. you know him. as your creator. savior. lord. friend. brother. healer.

shepherd. lover. of your soul.

because of jesus-

you survived.

you are still overcoming.

We love because He first love us. 1 John 4:19

A note from the author

I believe Jesus Christ is the Son of God. He is Creator and Savior. Through faith in Him, by His grace, I am forever His. I believe He is all knowing and ever present. I believe His Word is true, powerful, and sharper than any two edged sword. Because of Him, I survived. Because of Him, I am still overcoming. Because of Him, I am not alone. The reality of pain is inescapable in this world. Pain is necessary, valuable, and essential for human beings to survive and grow. The pain of reality is much about perspective, beliefs, experiences, and values. The reality is: things can always be worse and things can always be better. Honesty, faith, forgiveness, and love must play a major role if we are to live with hope as we navigate the pain of our reality. I need not strive to eradicate pain, but continually endeavor to alleviate suffering. I pray you have found both comfort and hope in my story. Healing, recovery, and growing in Christ are inseparable in my lifelong struggle to overcome. I have a few resources and tools that are invaluable to me and which I use often. If you are interested in talking with me, or would like a resource list, you may me via email at [email protected].