The Original Naked Quidditch Match - Evilgoddss 4w1v5s

The Original Naked Quidditch Match by Evilgoddss When a Magical game of Truth & Dare goes wrong, the Gryffindor Quidditch team mu st 'bare' up and face the consequences. And as the news spreads like wildfire in mmail things get quite out of control. Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor - Harry P. - Chapters: 10 - Words: 22,510 - R eviews: 833 - Favs: 3,638 - Follows: 671 - Published: 7/29/2007 - Status: Comple te - id: 3689325 URL: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/3689325

Table of Contents Table of Contents 1. Chapter 1 2. Chapter 2 3. Chapter 3 4. Chapter 4 5. Chapter 5 6. Chapter 6 7. Chapter 7 8. Chapter 8 9. Chapter 9 10. Chapter 10

Chapter 1 Naked Quidditch Match - The Beginning Note from the Author: there have been several attempts by fans to post this stor y on the internet. When I originally wrote this fic, it was a private story to b e shared with a few friends, and I never intended it to go out on the 'net. Howe ver, it was well loved by my friends, and much like gossip spread like wildfire. I agreed with two of my friends for a private posting on their website for re-r eading. Years later, in order to keep from plagiarsm of my work, I'm posting it

here with the rest of my fanfics. I hope it still is very enjoyable now with the last book in all reader's hands, and that you can find a smile or laugh in it. One last note, there are some corrections and changes on this version that were NOT on the site. This site, btw, is now defunct and the story is not available t here. One reviewer noted the "size" changes, for example. Done due to the cough upset of some young men who notified me that 17.7825cm x 11.945cm was much too s mall for a young man of 16. Also, for those that saw the original measurements i n the "inches" -- not very British, I'm told. However, to anyone who questions m y original ownership, I can prove it beyond a doubt. I can provide the original word documents -- and the editor marks to prove my ownership of this story. Heck , I even have the original graphics that were made up for it. - Anya

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To: All Students From: Deputy Head Mistress, M. McGonagall Re: Naked Quidditch (11/15/01) As reported, by part of your foolish use of Magic al Truth or Dare, the next Quidditch game conducted by the Gryffindor team in th e buff. Given the nature of this particular game, the staff of Hogwarts will ens ure temperatures in the Quidditch field stay reasonable. All betting regarding the various sizes and weights of student equipment is not condoned. Should a magical measure stick be seen in the vicinity of the field on game day, there will be 500 points deducted from the house and a month of deten tions. Students in first through third years playing on the team are exempted from this display, as they were non-participants in the foolish game. They are to remain in their Quidditch uniforms. Given the fact jock cups cannot be used in this game as per the restrictions of a "naked Quidditch challenge", any male student who wishes to learn of a genital ia protection spell may come to my office in confidence. I would like to stress to all students that this type of 'dare' from a Truth and Dare game is unacceptable, but magically blinding. Please do try to engage brai ns before making foolish choices. -Professor M. McGonagall

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To: Gryffindor Quidditch Teammates From: Gred and Forge Weasley Re: Game Next Week Oy. Okay, so we all know we're playing starkers. Letting it a ll hang out. Exposing our bits. Flaunting our glory...just to ensure we put thos e Slytherin gits to shame, anyone needing an 'enhancement' potion should let us

know before the game. Well before the game. You'll need a nights rest and some p ractice to get used to the new balls, if you know what we're meaning. Also, Forge and I have gotten our hands on a small quantity of woed. Anyone care for the Pict-Quidd team? I think we'd all look dashing in blue. Especially Kati e, Alicia and Angelina, eh ladies? Now, finally, the last going bid for the Malfoy jewels came in at a miserable 2" . Anyone out there, at ALL, care to dare higher? Pity Slytherin won't be all nek kid on the field, but still. We may yet find a way to measurements. Oh, a nd Harry? Your fan-club has dumped the motherload for your dimensions. You might want to consider posing for 'em. F&> G&F

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To: Harry's Girls (All ) From: Ginny / Founder Re: Game Next Week We've got Colin's camera! Anyone knowing a good way to disgui se it as nothing more than Omnioculars please let me know! Oh, and btw, I've snitched (err. No pun intended) my brother's omnioculars. That 's a total of 3 pair I can lend out... first come first serve. Lastly, the design team for the Harry Potter Nude 2002 Calendar should meet IMME DIATELY after the game! Gin

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To: Gryffindor Quidditch Team From: Alicia Spinnet Re GQ Teammates Memo Fred, George: You are SO very dead. - Katie, Alicia and Angelina

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To: Ginny Weasley From: Hermione Granger Re: Charm for Camera You can never it to Ron that this came from me. Attached is the charm you need. I've also included another charm that will let an omnioc ulor capture an image and store it for ing onto photograph paper. You really REALLY mustn't let anyone know what the omnioculors can do. Especiall y not Ron. He'll KNOW the charm came from me. It's taken me six months to get hi m to ease up on the Viktor thing; I'll not have him go cross-eyed every time Har ry is in the same room as he and I. Just so you know I've tested the charm on my omnioculor already. And no, you can 't see the pictures. They're personal. H.G.

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To: George and Fred Weasley From: Lee Re: You guys have a BIG Problem. Mates, we're going to loose the bet. Harry's go ne AWOL. I overhead Dumbledore talking to McGonagall and they think he's just ha nded himself over to Voldemort rather than play the game starkers. BTW, Alicia and crew have it out for you. They've been practicing beat-the-beate r and their aim is PHENOMENAL! You'd best see McGonagall re the protection charm . Good luck! -Lee

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To: Angelina & Katie From: Alicia Spinnet Re: The Damn Quidditch Match Look, ladies. I know we're only caught up in this d amn nightmare because of Fred and George, but it could be worse. Face facts. We are hot women. All those Quidditch practices and whatnot have lef t us lean, trim and very firm. And, we're not lacking in other assets, either. So, the boys want to ogle. I say we provide a show that would put the Veela's to shame. I've gone to McGonagall and got the protection charm. I'll not have brui ses show on my body! I also asked for the waxing charm.

So, how about a girls beauty night? Hermione has offered to play watch-out and k eep the guys off our back. Oh! And here's a thought... if we're gonna go starker s because of this damn dare, how about raising the ante with a strip tease? - Alicia

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To: Fred and George From: Ron Re: Your AWOL Seeker Sorry mates, but Hogsmeade's entire supply of Butterbeer ju st ain't gonna cut it. Keep in mind, I've learned from the best jokers in Hogwar ts. You'll have to come up with more than that for me to spill Harry's location. Now, if you can find a stripping charm for Hermione and access to a room for pr ivate showing, then we'll talk. Oh, and I just got two owls from Bill and Charlie. They wanna know if it's too l ate for them to submit their bids for the golden snitches. Percy, of course, dec lined to wager. - Ron

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To: Lee Jordan From: Fred Weasley Re: Finding Harry Checked with Ron, Lee. He's not budging. You sure that Lavende r's on the level about those piccy's Hermione has? - Fred (and George)

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To: Fred AND George From: Lee Jordan Re: Pictures Word is, our resident Gryffindor Super-Genius has found a way to tu rn Omnioculors into a digital camera. Right neat or wot? She's got some interesting snaps of your little brother Ronniekins from the lock er-room showers. I'd say she's been lifting Harry's Cloak of Iniquity.

And George, insecurity complex much? Lee

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To: Lee Jordan From: Fred and George Weasley Re: Err? What? You Muggle Git! What the deuce is a 'digital' camera? -F&>

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To: Ron Weasley From: His Wonderful Big Brothers Re: AWOL Seeker Dear Ronniekins It has come to our attention, via our elaborate and exotic spy network that some one (who shall go unnamed until you tell us where our vanished seeker is) has ta ken advantage of your trust and captured you in the buff on film. For the price of such information that leads to the whereabouts of one Harry Pot ter, we will divulge the perpetrator, the method of the crime and provide you wi th the originals of the incriminating photos. And no, Ronnie... they aren't the baby pictures Mummy took. Brotherly Love, Fred & George

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To: All Gryffindors From: Ron Weasley Re: Attention All Gryffindors If I find the perv who has been sneaking around ta king pictures of me starkers, I'll do worse than an unforgiveable curse!

And, I bet I'm not the only one this creep has been stalking! Anyone with knowledge of the identity of this git had better let me know and let me know fast or I'll go straight to McGonagall! - Ron Weasley.

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To: Ginny Weasley From: Hermione Granger Re: You didn't tell him! Ginny! Please tell me you didn't tell Ron about the Omnioculors! Please! Omigod! How di d he find out about the pictures?! What am I going to do if he finds out it was me! Hermione

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To: Hermione Granger From: Ginny Weasley Re: Pictures You're NOT serious! You took naked pictures of MY brother? Are you out of your mind? What on earth would you want pictures of THAT git for? I haven't told Ron anything. I'm quite put out with him, he's hiding Harry, I ju st know it, and he won't say where. As for dealing with Ron... when in doubt, lie. Make something up. He's so gullib le he'd believe you if you swore your unending love for him. Err. You don't love him, do you? I'm sure there's a tonic for that. - Ginny

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To: Ron Weasley From: Your Secret irer Re: Rumors of Pictures Dear Ron,

I am a female student in the upper classes. I am in a few of your classes, and h ave been since first year. Umm. I don't know what to say other than... IhaveacrushonyouandIhavethepicturesy ouweretalkingabout. I don't know how you found out about them. I've shown NO ONE ! And I won't. Please don't go to McGonagall. Please! I couldn't bear to have you find out who I am, because... because I know you couldn't possibly like me too. - Your Secret irer

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To: Hermione Granger From: Your Bestest Bud, Ron Re: Help? Hey Mione! when you were explaining the things about the Mmail system here? What w as it you said about IP #'s being traceable? I can't . Is there a way to look up WHO sent you something by IP number? Let me know! I'll read HaH if you can help! - Ron

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To: Gryffindor Quidditch Team From: Fred & George Weasley Re: Our Missing Seeker Alicia, Katie and Angelina, with all due respect, we've g one to McGonagall and got the protective charm. You three are playing wrong posi tions! You should be Beaters! Good news, though. We've found Harry. The git has been hiding under his invisibi lity cloak in the Chamber of Secrets for the past three days to avoid detection. Our darling baby sister went down and hauled him up. You've got to ire her p ersistence to a goal. At any road, Harry's under 24-hour guard now. And Snape has promised to ensure h e doesn't poison or wound him in class. We don't know what the fool's worried ab out. We share lockers with him; he's got nothing to be ashamed about. Really. NO THING. - Gred and Forge

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To: Gryffindor Quidditch Team From: Harry Potter Re: The Damn Situation Fred & George got us in. Here's an idea... let's concede the game. LET the Slytherin's take the bloody cup. I'm not going out there stark ers! - Harry

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To: Gryffindor Quidditch Team From: Fred and George Weasley Re: Concede the game?! We can't possibly concede the game! Are you mad, Harry?! If we even consider it, think of what Malfoy's gonna say. Not only do we have ou r personal prides at stake here, but also the glory of our House. And if anyone else is even considering this idea, we'll go straight to McGonagal l. She's not going to let her House go down to Slytherin after that horrendous 7 -year loss to them in the House Cup. Oh, and Harry, if only the bets on the size of your prized jewels were House poi nts, we'd win the House Cup as fast as Percy can apparate downstairs. - Gred and Forge

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To: All Gryffindors From: Neville Longbottom Re: NAKED Now that I have your attention, I'd like to remind everyone that Novem ber 13th, is W i l l ' s birthday. And NO, I don't know why we have to space his name out like that. We just do! So , say Happy Birthday when you see him, and just for the day, don't hex him. - NL

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To: Gryffindor Tower (All) Re: Fred & George Weasley From: Harry Potter Allow me to dispel the rumors. My measurements are precisely 6.23" x 2.75" in width. Anyone wanting diameter, provide a tape measure and I'll bloody give you that too! Having spoiled the gambling, I suggest you all get a refund from the pool from F red and George Best regards, - Harry

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To: Harry Potter From: Fred & George Weasley Re: Measurements How could you do that to us? Your mates, your chums, you buds.. . your teammates! How, Harry? How?

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To: Harry Potter From: M. McGonagall /Deputy Heistress Re: Fred, George... Mr. Potter: I expect to see you in my office first thing tomorrow morning! Deputy Heistress Minerva McGonagall

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To: Ginny Weasley From: Lavender Brown Re: Harry's Measurements Oh my goodness. Did you SEE that Ginny? Over 6"! YUM! - Lav

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To: Harry Potter From: A Gryffindor irer Re: Independent Assessment of Measurement Dear Harry, As an avid fan of your Quidditch prowess (among other things), may I suggest tha t a neutral party (i.e. a non-Gryffindor and non-Slytherin) take your measuremen ts? Who's to say that any of your answers could be believed considering our House an d Slytherin are active participators in this Quidditch match? I'm sure a Hufflepuff or Ravenclaw wouldn't mind volunteering for this tedious a nd most difficult task. Go Gryffindors! - An irer

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To: Harry Potter From: Oliver Wood Re: Gryffindor Quidditch Team Re: House Pride I've just been informed by emergency Owl Post about this Stark Q uidditch Match. Harry, what do you think you're doing?! Rule # 1 is never giving Slytherin ANY advantage! Sure you're in a rather compromising position with thi s game, but winning the game is your first priority! Now go and recant your measurements before Slytherin finds out. I've worked hard to put Gryffindor at the top, and so did your teammates. Don't let your pants u s down! Just that we've got the best Quidditch team in the school... an d our reputation depends on YOU! Feel free to Owl me for Quidditch tips. - Oliver

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To: Oliver Wood

From: Harry Potter Re: Teamwork. Ollie: No real disrespect intended but-- Go to Hell. - Harry

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To: Fred & George Weasley From: Oliver Wood Re: Harry's Attitude Listen, chaps. I just had the most appalling email back fro m Potter. I think you both need to take a firm look at how you're managing your Captaincy. It's about Teamwork. Working together and making sacrifices for the team. You've got to encourage him to have a more sporting outlook. Sure, I realize I'm not t he one having to go Starkers in front of the entire student body... but still. D'ya suppose his reluctance has to do with how the entire student body will be o gling HIS body and no one else's? - Oliver

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To: Oliver Wood From: Fred & George Weasley Re: Err? Fred? George? Hey, Oliver: 1. It is our sincere hope that the MALES of the student body are not inclined to ogle Harry. That's just sick, man. 2. Excuse us, but -- Go To Hell! - Fred & George

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To: Ginny Weasley From: Lavender Brown

Re: Hello? Ginny? Did you get my email? Are you okay? No one's heard from you si nce Saturday? - Lavender

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To: Lavender Brown From: Hermione Granger Re: Worried about Ginny Lavender, I found her. She was practically catatonic on her bed with a measuring rule and that bloody email of Harry's. I took her to Madam Pomfrey and we're pretty sure she's not foaming at the mouth, just drooling. Hermione

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To: Harry Potter, Fred & George Weasley From: Ron Weasley Re: Ginny's Condition Goddamnit, Harry! You know my little sister has a crush on you! Did you HAVE to send out that email glorifying your endowment? Hermione took her down to the Infirmary. She was foaming at the mouth and wouldn 't let go of a printout of that email and a measuring tape! This is ALL your fault, Fred, George. Wait till Mom finds out! And Harry -- stay away from my little sister! - Ron

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To: Ron Weasley From: Harry Potter Re: Ginny's Condition Err? Ron? I'm your bloody roomie? Why are we emailing each other this stuff? - Harry

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To: A Gryffindor irer From: Harry Potter CC: Gryffindor Tower (All) Re: Independent Assessment of Measurements For the sake of accuracy in the gambl ing regarding the assets of the Quidditch team, why not measure all of us? Just Hermione Granger to work out a schedule that's agreeable and I'll d rop my tros for your review if Fred & George drop theirs. - Harry Potter

Chapter 2 Naked Quidditch Match - Second Verse, Much Like the First To: Fred & George Weas ley From: Lee Jordan Re: Harry's Response He called our bluff. NOW what do we do?

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To: Lee Jordan From: Fred & George Weasley Re: The Bluff Ah, our fine panicking friend. When the bluffee bluffs the bluffer , then raise the bluff. One word to solve our dilemma: Draco. The question is: HOW?! - Gred and Forge

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To: Ron Weasley From: Bill Weasley Re: Golden Snitches Hey little brother, You might want to give Harry a head's up. The word about the NQM next Thursday h as gotten out to the media. And, apparently the betting for the Golden Snitches have gotten really ridiculou s. There isn't a wizarding pool to TOP the highest winning prize for this one! Err. So, how about giving your family a tip in what to bet? Think of it as inves ting in the betterment of Weasley Lifestyles everywhere. - Bill.

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To: Bill Weasley From: Ron Weasley Re: Golden Snitches Harry, great prat he is, went public with the size and weigh t of the Snitches. Ginny's gone catatonic as a result, and let me tell you, the smile on her face is frightening. We're still trying to pry the measuring tape f rom her hands. Anyway, if you must know: 6.23 x 2.75. Ron.

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To: Harry Potter From: Bill Weasley Re: Measurements How could you, Harry? - Bill

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To: Bill Weasley; Ron Weasley; Charlie Weasley Ungodly Duo

From: Harry Potter Re: I defeated Voldemort Once Some spport, if you don't boody mind, would be ver ry appreciated. Because of the idiot-duo-from-Hell, I have to go streaking how t here all exposed, adn YOU are a worried about making money off my humiliation? Yuir all to kind. I've already got a week's worth of detention from McGonagall. And I won't even MENTION the lecture I got. By the way, Ron. I went and saw Ginny. She's fine now. Harry.

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To: Harry Potter From: Charlie Weasley Re: Your Email Mate, I really do understand where you're coming from. Fred and G eorge really have stuck their foot in it this time. Listen, talk to Hermione about this situation. No, not about the starkers part, but how to get around the humiliation of it all. You can't go out there with rob es (or clothes) on. I get that. But, surely there's a way around the utter expos ure... I'm thinking there must be a charm of obscurity you could use. Get my drift? Oh, and Harry? You're letting all of this stress you too much. Your command of t he English language is slipping away. - Charlie P.S. , it can't be worse than dodging a clutching dragon!

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To: Charlie Weasley From: Harry Potter Re: Re: Your Email I love you man. Really! HP

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To: Hermione Granger From: Harry Potter Re: Fw: Your Email Herm... You're kidding? Anti-charm wards? Tell me it's a joke. Please. You're my best fr iend, surely YOU can think of a way around this? - Harry

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To: Ginny Weasley From: Hermione Granger Re: Your Plan Ginny, I'm glad you're feeling better. I was really worried about you. However, having said that, I'm a little concerned about that idea you had. I read the note you gave me in the Great Hall and compiled a list of possibiliti es to go wrong in Arithmancy. The consequences, you understand, are dire. If thi s doesn't work, Ron will hate me and Harry will never forgive me! Oh, and btw, you should warn your brothers that McGonagall is now setting up ant i-magic charms to ward off any potions, lotions or enhancement charms the teams can come up with. She's deliberately targeting it on people, not brooms. See, that's the trick. I told Harry the concealment or obscurity spell he wanted was impossible, but it's NOT! He could charm the broomstick to do it for the sp ecific rider! Anyway, I'm panicking over here. Are you SURE you have a scapegoat out for those blasted pictures? - Hermione

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To: Hermione Granger From: Ginny Weasley Re: My Ingenious Weasley Plan

Modesty runs in our family. Look, Herm, if you're asking me if I can outwit my b rothers, then the answer is Bloody Hell YES! I've observed every trick in the book for five brothers, enough so that I can ou t-think them all. This is a cakewalk! No challenge whatsoever. Ronnie will be cr ying on your shoulder before you know it and you can do whatever it is you want to him. (I still think a potion is your best solution, but if Ron does it for yo u, then there's no ing for taste.) After all, I had plenty time to come up with this plan. No worries, there. Thanks for alerting McGonagall. No one will ever find out you snitched from me. You did tell McGonagall you didn't want to be publicly acknowledged for performi ng your civic duty, didn't you? - Ginny P.S. D'ya think the Slytherin team is taking this Quidditch match with as much p aranoia?

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To: Ginny Weasley From: Hermione Granger Re: McGonagall Oh no! I forgot! -hg

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To: Fred and George Weasley From: Harry Potter CC: Charlie Weasley Re: This !#$ Quidditch MatchBugger you two! There isn't a single bloody way out of this mess that you've caused. I may never forgive you for this, dammit! I alr eady have your sister and most of the female residents of this damn Tower in a " HP Fan Club". I'm not daft. This is just the kind of foolishness that will get m e listed in Witch Weekly AGAIN! Do you have NO sense of shame? I had a glimmer of hope, a shining moment of sani ty courtesy of Charlie. However, Hermione just broke the rotten news to me-- the re are no charms or enchantments at all will work, as Dumbledore and McGonagall are setting up an anti-charm field. And I checked with Madam Hooch. I can't even 'dress' up my broom to protect my modesty.

You've gone too far, dammit! - Harry

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To: Oliver Wood From: Fred and George Weasley Re: Star Seekers As an experienced Captain of our Illustrious Gryffindor House Team, could you bl ess us, your successors, with a pearl or two of wisdom? Just how bad is it to irritate the star Gryffindor Seeker who has defeated Volde mort twice? Hugs and Kisses, - Gred and Forge X0X0X (We luv you man!)

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To: Fred and George Weasley From: Oliver Wood Re: Star Seekers Up until Harry ed the team, the last win for the Gryffindor House was with y our own brother Charlie. Harry broke a significant and brutal dry spell, bless him. More importantly, he' s never lost us a game... well, unless he was in the hospital wing at the time. Or ed out from a Dementor. Bottom line, YOU DON'T PISS OFF THE SEEKER! Now. There's no hope for it. I've heard from Harry, as you well know, and he's n ot taking this Naked Quidditch Match at all well. And truthfully, now that I've gone up in the ranks of my team, I can understand where he's coming from. I've had to go underground. Change my fireplace and delist oo-network. It's disastrous. There's even FAN CLUBS for me ged women are throwing themselves at me, and I'm listed as bachelor. (Don't tell Harry, but he's been #1 for the past

its address on the Fl now! Seriously! Deran the #8 most eligible two years.)

Bottom line, it's a fine mess you've put the team into. I'd be very afraid for y our lives if I were you. If Harry doesn't hand you over to Voldemort personally, then the girls are going to make you WISH that he had. And, men do NOT hug and kiss other men. It's not dignified. - Oliver

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To: Oliver Wood From: Fred and George Weasley Re: Star Seekers Do you really think the girls are going to get us?

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To: Fred and George Weasley From: Oliver Wood Re: Star Seekers Hell. Yes. - Oliver

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To: Oliver Wood From: Gred and Forge Weasley Re: Re: Star Seekers Our little Ollie has all grown up. We're so proud of you... cursing like that. It's just so... so... manly. sob Where has our whittle captain gone? He's all big and grown and cursing now. F&>

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To: FRED and GEORGE Weasley From: Oliver Wood Re: Re: Re: Star Seekers Oh, sod off! I've been up for the past eighteen hours w ith practice and press conferences, plus a game. You two twats are enough to dri ve Dumbledore into a cursing rant. I'm amazed you've survived this long. Though, I'm sure Katie or Angelina will be taking care of THAT issue anytime now, if Harry doesn't himself. Best of luck, chaps. You'll need it. - Oliver. P.S. Don't call me Ollie. It's 'Oliver'

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To: Charlie Weasley From: Gred and Forge Weasles Re: Seeking Seeker Advice After a brief discussion with our previous Gryffindor captain, we're seeking a second opinion. How do we pacify the best Seeker our House has seen since you-- our beloved olde r and wiser brother, and formerly Captain and Seeker of the team-- left Hogwarts ? Oliver said not to piss Harry off, but well, too late! And you've seen Harry's l ast Mmail. Got any advice to help us at least make it to the game? Much brotherly love (and we'll even worship the ground you walk on), - Gred and Forge

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To: Harry Potter From: Oliver Wood Re: Re: Star Seekers I'm appalled to say this but-- concede the game. The idiotduo has definitely gone too far this time! Do you know, it took me 3 hours to get into my flat yesterday. 3 hours! And that 's from the curb to the front door! Women were mauling me, all wanting to play w ith the bigger staff.

My testicles are bruised, and I probably won't be able to have children. All bec ause I play bloody Quidditch. If it's this bad for me playing pro-Quidditch, I r ealize that it'll be much worse for you. I'm just starting to get recognition in our leading sportâ ¦ you're the Boy Who Lived! Besides, I saw on the WWW that they're selling a limited edition calendar of you. You may have to hire bodyguards befo re you leave school! Harry, if the twins don't concede the game-- RUN! - Oliver

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To: Gryffindor Quidditch Team Ladies From: Harry Potter Re: Those Weasley Bastards Ladies, I'm given to understand you have some... plans of revenge developed. Given my ow n personal viewpoints regarding this match, I'm asking to be allowed to participate in your onset of revenge. Basically: If George and Fred are going to suffer, I wish to help deliver up the ir suffering. Profoundly. As I'm sure you've been informed, all charms and attempts to preserve our modest y are now forbidden. I believe there is some internal... efforts in ensuring tha t we're as exposed as possible. Heaven knows, my bloody "fan club" is apparently preparing to market "The Naked Truth: Harry Potter Exposed" as a 2002/2003 acad emic calendar. To put things mildly, I'm going to become a raging alcoholic if things don't get under control soon. And it's all Fred & George's fault. I'm within an inch of calling up ol' Tom and ing forces. Whattaya say, ladies? Harry, The Unamused Seeker

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To: Ginny Weasley From: Lavender soon-to-be-Finnegan Re: Harry Potter 2002 Calendar Ginny! I just checked our WWW orders for the calendar, and we're sold out already! It's been listed for barely one week and we're sold out of 50,000 units!

Maybe we should arrange to run another 50,000... I've requests for the calendar to be licensed and marketed retail. Your thoughts? Lavender

Chapter 3 Naked Quidditch Match â

Third Time Around To: Ginny Weasley

From: Lavender soon-to-be Finnegan Re: Harry Potter 2002 Calendar I just checked our WWW orders for the calendar, and we're sold out already! It's been listed for barely one week and we're sold out of 50,000 units! Maybe we should arrange to run another 50,000... I've requests for the calendar to be licensed and marketed retail. Your thoughts? Lavender

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To: Professor Dumbledore From: M. McGonagall / Deputy Heistress Re: Dangerous circumstands Albus: I am very concerned about Harry Potter's mental state with regard to the upcomin g Quidditch Match. As you are no doubt aware, the Weasley twins have managed to put a magical wager in place, one that they unfortunately lost. The end result, the entire Gryffind or team must play the match in the buff. Understandably, their teammates are not impressed, but I do not think anyone ant icipated the depth of Harry's revulsion at this idea. To be honest, I can not bl ame the poor lad. His fan club, of which I am having difficulty identifying the founding , has set up a mass marketing scheme for a print run of calendars featuring Harry' s... play at the game. Albus... the boy has threatened to forces with Voldemort unless something i s done! Help!

- Minerva

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To: M. McGonagall /Deputy Heistress From: Albus Dumbledore Re: The Quidditch Match Minerva, the bluff behind the school IS quite dangerous. Since the Forbidden For rest is strictly forbidden, we may be able to invalidate the of the dare. Besides, surely the Slytherin team will never agree to play there. - Albus

* * *

To: Professor Dumbledore From: M. McGonagall /Deputy Heistress Re: Re: The Quidditch Match Of course they're not going into the Forbidden Fores t, you git! They're not playing IN the Bluff, they're dared to play Starkers. Na ked. Nude. NOW do you see my problem? Minerva

* * *

To: M. McGonagall /Deputy Heistress From:Albus Dumbledore Re: Re: Re: The Quidditch Match Oh my. Well. I think our first priority is to es tablish the President of Harry's fan club. If they're to profit off of the calen dar, a certain percentage should be returned to the school, do you not think? I shall make a request of all staff for the identity of the club president. - Albus

* * *

To: Harry Potter From:Remus Lupin Re: Harry Potter Fanclub information Harry, the most alarming mmail has been issued to me. I'm sharing this to you in confidence, son, as it's the least I can do. Apparently, your fan club is planning to capture pictures from the game . I did not think this at all unusual until I found out the of the game. Fred and George have certainly created a ruckus with this one, now haven't they? Harry... there's no hope for the calendar, I'm afraid. McGonagall and Dumbledore have been unable to find the organizers or the methodology for how they will ge t the pictures. Obviously, cameras are strictly forbidden. I've sent word to Sirius. This is the kind of thing that the Marauders are best suited for handling. - Moony

* * *

To: Gryffindor Tower (all) From:Harry Potter CC: Remus Lupin, Snuffles Re: My Beloved Fan Club It has come to my attention that my unauthorized fan clu b intends to produce and market my assets from the game. Given the unlicensed aspect of this, plus the fact I am a minor, I feel it needf ul to point out that without my express consent, this is a form of assault. As s uch, I will have charges laid against anyone who owns a copy of this calendar, o r aids in the production. HOWEVER, given that this situation has already been blown completely out of cont rol, my legal counsel has advised that should a proposal be made to me on my ter ms, I may license such an enterprise. At a profit to ME, people. You want your n aked pictures, you can have them. But if I'm going to be splattered across Brita in in all my natural glory then I want a cut. - Harry

* * *

To: Harry Potter From:Snuffles CC: Moony Re: Re: My Beloved Fan Club Harry, m'lad... that was ruddy brilliant. If you're going to be burned this bad, take it over and make it a statement in your favor. Look, here's my take. You're not a bad looking boy, or Witch Weekly, Good Witchk eeping, and In Broomsticks wouldn't have you has the #1 eligible man in Britain. You consistently ousted Lockheart. (And I know what you think of that.) Quidditch has built up your body. No, you're not as broad in the shoulder as tha t muggle Arnold, but you're enough to give a full grown man a few minutes though t before taking you on. So. Here's my suggestion. In keeping with your ploy, let's get some professional shots done. I know a good photographer of high taste and great tact. Let's make this a media ploy IN your favor, rather than to humiliate you. Trust me, Harry, you can do this. - Snuffles

* * *

To: Harry Potter From:Remus Lupin CC: Snuffles Re: Re: Re: My Beloved Fan Club Harry, I'm willing to bet you're freaking. I'm n ot one to do the testosterone display, but here's some words that may get you th rough this. A mantra, if you will. "When you got it, flaunt it." You've got the prowess in the game, you've got the iration of the ladies, the respect of your peers, and I heard about that mmail... 6.23 x 2.75, wasn't it? You can definitely take that to Gringotts! - Remus

* * *

To: Tom Marvello Riddle From:Your Favorite Enemy Re: ing the dark side of the Force Tom, I've been thinking. Why should we be

enemies? I've got the skills you're looking for in a Death Eater. And, while I won't do subservient, I think you could use a young, canny partner. Whattaya think? Harry Potter

* * *

To: Harry Potter From:Ginny Weasley Re: Your Beloved Fan Club Harry, I'm sure it will come as no surprise that I'm president of your fan club. I'm ashamed to it, that yes, we were planning to do a calendar, but... in rec ent seeing how much this is disturbing you, we're willing to scrap the project. If we do scrap the project, will you at least make your unofficial fan club an o fficial one? Ginny

* * *

To: Harry Potter From:M. McGonagall / Deputy Heistress Re: Your Beloved Fan Club Potter! What do you THINK you're doing?! I want to see you immediately after class today! - McGonagall

* * *

To: Harry Potter From:Snuffles CC: Moony Re: Re: Re: My Beloved Fan Club 6.23 inches? Are you kidding me? And you're worr ied about WHAT again?

* * *

To: Padfoot From:Moony CC: Harry Potter Re: Re: Re: Re: My Beloved Fan Club Padfoot... Please, stop trying to help. Thanks. - Moony

* * *

To: My Most Hated Enemy From:Lord Voldemort Re: Your Mmail How did you get my Mmail address, Potter? That aside, I would rather see you dead than ever ally with you. Either you are my minion or my enemy. L.V.

* * *

To: Ginny Weasley From:Harry Potter Re: Fan Clubs Ginny, How COULD you? You know how I feel about celebrity. I didn't ask to be famous or want to be! I just want a normal life. I won't authorize a fan club. BUT, befor e you go ballistic and vengeful, how about a compromise. It's been pointed out to me that if I have to go down in flames, let them be fla mes of glory. I will agree to a calendar publication as long as a) They are professionally taken photographs b) I have final approval; and

c) 25 of sales goes to a charity of my choice. Agreed? Meet me tonight in the common room to discuss further. Harry

* * *

To: HP Fanclub, Hermione Granger From: Ginny Re: The Calendar Hold onto your hats, ladies. While we will not be an official fan club, Harry ha s agreed (with ) to the production of the calendar. That's right. We're getting our naked Harry after all. All 6.23 in. of him. (And as Lavender pointed out, that's an unexcited 6.23 in.!) I met with Harry earlier this evening and we worked out some details. The photog rapher will be arranged by Harry and paid for by Harry. Harry is asking that a 25 percent cut go to the St. Mungos Victims Unit. I think that very reasonable. He is also going to arrange to undercut production charge s and legal fees for marketing. Is this man a prince or what? - Ginny

* * *

To: Oliver Wood From:Harry Potter Re: A Wild Little Idea Listen, Oliver, this may sound nutters, but... I've got a plan. Since the calendar can't be stopped, I'm making it into a charity thing. And, I' m arranging for professional photos. What's this got to do with you? This. You're being mobbed by YOUR fans, right? W hile I won't pose WITH you, if you're gutsy enough to do this we can increase re venues (which are going to St. Mungos Victims Unit) and make us look less like v ictims, and more like celebrities in control of the situation. What do you think?

- Harry

* * *

To: Harry Potter From:Oliver Wood Re: Your Wild Little Idea You're completely stark raving nutters. You know that, right? That said, it's a ruddy brilliant plan. My dignity is gone, so why not m ake the descent into madness look planned. I'm in. And, taking a wild guess at what you're going at, I've sent feelers out to other 'young studs' of the Quidditch Leagues. Krum's in too, if you're intere sted. - Ollie "The Bigger Staff"

* * *

To: Oliver Wood From:Harry Potter CC: Viktor Krum Re: The Calendar Gentlemen: Welcome aboard. I've arranged for photographer, Ms. Sally Mann. A very controver sial American photographer/artist that has been highly recommended to me by Char lie Weasley The school has consented to allow us to use the grounds. At no charge, given the charity nature of the project. If possible, I'd like to get the photos done before this bloody Quidditch match that I have to deal with. I want the market saturated with this product BEFORE t he game as a distraction tactic. How's Wednesday for you gents? - Harry P.S. Bigger Staff? snort Sorry, Ollie, we shared a locker room for too many year s for THAT to wash. You're good. But you're not THAT good.

* * *

To: Tommy From:Harry Re: Minions Quite okay, Old Chap. I'll just take over. - HP

* * *

To: Gryffindor Quidditch Team From:Your Seeker Re: The Game Ladies and Bastards, I want you to be aware of some of my recent... business ventures. First, my unof ficial fan-clubs plans for the calendar. You will be pleased to know that no pho tographs will be taken during the game. All of the especially charmed Omnioculars (charm TM of my good friend Hermione G ranger) have been given into my custody. Secondly, a professional photographer will be visiting the school on Wednesday, and I have reluctantly agreed to go this route. ing me for this calendar, al though not at the same time or on the same page, necessarily, will be Oliver Woo d (I'll pause for your gasps) and Victor Krum. I realize that the Unholy Duo will be racing off at the mouth with this news, an d I should forewarn them... I've already informed the Prophet, plugging the char ity aspect of this venture. 25 percent of the proceeds for sale of the bloody calendar will be going to St. Mungos Victims Unit. I may have to go out there starkers, and I may have to put up with the slurs of the Slytherins and the giggles of my peers for the next two years, but by damn I 'll have this mess enhance my reputation and not humiliate me. As a good friend pointed out, "When you got it, flaunt it." Ladies, with unabashed candor: You've got it. Bastards, we're gonna make you look BAD. And lastly, I have heard the rumors of an alliance between Voldemort and myself. I realize that I made the threat first. Be assured, there will NEVER be an alli ance between Voldemort and I. The Seeker

* * *

To: Harry Potter From:Ginny Weasley Re: The Photos Harry, I've been thinking, can this photographer create an allusion to nudity wi thout the full monty? - Ginny

* * *

To: Ginny Weasley From:Harry Potter Re: Re: The Photos Why, Ginny... Don't you want my full monty anymore? Harry

* * *

To: Harry Potter From: Ginny Weasley Re: The Full Monty Only if it's for a private showing. Very private.

* * *

To: Harry Potter From: Ron Weasley CC: Ginny Weasley Re: Re:The Full Monty HARRY! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING MAKING A AT MY SISTER LIKE THAT?!

There will be no showings, private or otherwise, exclusive or whatnot of any Mon ty to my sister! And Ginny... watch your language, or I'm telling Mum! - Ron

* * *

To: The Prat From:His Sister CC: Harry Potter, Mum Re: Montage Dear Ron: First, what are you doing snooping through Harry's sent files and trash? The mma ils I send, or he sends me are none of your business. Second, regarding the CALENDAR, Mum knows about it. I told her myself like I pro mised Harry. And, she said it was very ingenious, but I should have taken Harry' s feelings into consideration. So, stuff it. And by the way, look up the word montage. You know, the library is n't an evil place. Your vengeful little sister, Ginny

* * *

To: Potter From: Lord Voldemort NOT Tommy! Re: Re: Minions Are you threatening ME? -LV

* * *

To: TOMMY!!! From: Harry Potter

Re: Re: Re: Minions Why, yes! Now that you ask. Whatcha going to do about it? Kill me? - Harry "Oooh, I tink I taw a bid bad Moldiemort! I DiD, I DiD I Did tee a bid bad Moldiemort"

* * *

To: Ginny Weasley From: Susan Bones Re: The Calendar Ginny, the Daily Prophet said Harry, Oliver Wood and Viktor Cru m are ALL posing for the Calendar. Apparently, the photographer is a top-notch A merican woman and the shoot is to be sometime this week on Hogwarts grounds. Do you know any more? Will we be able to WATCH the photo-sessions? Just to ensur e accuracy, mind you. Even if Harry has said he's generously proportioned, would n't you like to validate that? Sassy

* * *

To: Hermione Granger From: Ginny Weasley Fwd: Re: The Calendar Hermione, I'd go ask Ron, but my big brother is over-sensi tive about this subject. Do you know where they are doing the photos or how secu rity is going to be done? I'm not asking to get a sneak-advance peak, but... wel l, that would be nice... still, I'm more concerned that Hogwarts Femmes will try and swarm the photo-area. Somehow, I don't think Harry will ever forgive me if that happens, and I really quite frankly DON'T want any other woman fondling his bits. - Ginny

* * *

To: Ginny

From: Hermione Granger Re: Fwd: Re: The Calendar GINNY! Do you MIND? That's one of my best friends you' re mentally molesting! I feel quite rightly nauseous! HG

* * *

To: Hermione Granger From: Ginny Weasley Re: Re: Fwd: Re: The Calendar Excuse me, oh she who snuck pictures of my own bro ther in the buff? No matter, I'll just go talk with Ron... G

* * *

To: Ginny Weasley From: Harry Potter BCC: Hermione Granger Re: Re: Re: Fwd: Re: The Calendar Gin, I'm dying here. Do stop. The Photoshoot is Wednesday. Dumbledore and Flitwick ar e providing charms to shield the area, and Sally is using a very special profess ional camera. If you want to come to the shoot, that's fine. There are charms being placed on Ollie, Viktor and myself so that only the camera sees us... err... you know. Your brother is coming down with three dragons, we're doing a shot of "Quidditch " with us riding dragons. (Don't ask. Please? Apparently, it's a campaign for th e more-humane-treatment-of-fantastic-beasts.) The dragons are enough of a specta cle to keep peoples eyes off of my chums, and me don't you think? And please, don't go spreading that news to my UNauthorized fan club? And Hermio ne? You're the one with the pics of Ron? You do know it's driving him UTTERLY in sane to figure out, right? I mean, rightly nutters! What were you thinking? - HP I mocked Voldemort Ask me how!

* * *

To: Harry Potter, Ginny Weasley From: Hermione Granger Re: Those damned pictures I am NOT discussing this with either of you. And if EI THER of you tell Ron, I'll make sure he knows about the full content of your dis cussion two nights past. - Hermione

* * *

To: Hermione Granger-Weasley From: Harry Potter CC: Ginny Weasley Re: Re: Those damned pictures My, my... hostile aren't you? Go ahead, tell Ron. I wonder what will distress him more, the candid nature of Ginny and my conversa tion about the calendar, or your subversive acquisition of a series of nude phot os of HIM. I'm given, from my sources, to understand such pictures were obtained from the m en's locker room. That means you used MY invisibility cloak. And, if others were to find out, well... the outrage would know no bounds, Ms. Prefect! - HP I mocked Voldemort Ask me how!

* * *

To: Harry Potter From: Ginny Weasley Re: Have I mentioned? I think I utterly love you... that was sheer genius! As fo r the photo-shoot, I wouldn't miss it for the world. I do appreciate the spells being cast and will respectfully keep my distance. Do you suppose I'd be able to talk to Ms. Mann? I'd love to learn more about photography... without actually touching or looking through her camera, you understand. Ginny

* * *

To: Harry Potter From: Hermione Granger CC: Ginny Weasley Re: Re: Re: Those damned pictures That's blackmail Potter!

* * *

To: Hermione Granger-Weasley From: Harry Potter CC: Ginny Weasley Re: Re: Re: Re: Those damned pictures Does look that way, doesn't it? Kiss, kiss. HP I mocked Voldemort Ask me how!

* * *

To: Ginny Weasley From: Harry Potter Re: Re: Have I mentioned? lol I'll talk to my friend who put me in touch with Sa lly. Perhaps after we guys are... done... and properly attired again you can hav e time to interview with her. The pictures will be ready almost immediately, and as I said, I get first right of refusal for the calendar layout. Has the rest of the design been done? - Harry I mocked Voldemort Ask me how!

* * *

To: Harry Potter From: Fred & George Weasley Re: Stuff Err, Harry... listen, mate... you're scaring us. And why is Ginny grin ning at us every time she sees us? F&>

* * *

To: Fred & George Weasley From: Harry Potter Re: Re: Stuff Ginny's on the inside track. As for your fears: I've only just beg un. HP I mocked Voldemort Ask me how!

* * *

To: Harry Potter From: Ginny Weasley Re: Ask you how? What do you mean you "Mocked Voldemort"? Doesn't everyone? Gin

* * *

To: Ginny Weasley From: Harry Potter Re: Re: Ask you how? No, I actually "mocked" Voldemort. Hey, Gin... how would you feel about being my right hand when I conquer Voldemor t and take over the Death Eaters? Create a new regime of utter evil. You're a We asley, you've proven to be devious and ingenious... and you have past history in

this area. Whattaya think? As for the mocking: "I tink I taw a bid bad Moldiemort I DiD, I DiD I did tee a bid bad Moldiemort" HP I mocked Voldemort Ask me how!

* * *

To: Harry Potter From: Ginny Re: You DIDN'T?! Harry! You DIDN'T?! - Ginny

* * *

To: Ginny Weasley From: Harry Potter Re: Re: You DIDN'T?! I did. Why? What's the worst he can do? Jump up and down sh rieking "Kill him! Kill him!"? - HP I Mocked Voldemort Ask me how!

* * *

To: Lucius Malfoy From: Lord Voldemort

FW: Re: Re: Minions Malfoy! KILL HIM! KILL HIM! Your Lord & Master, Voldemort

* * *

To: Harry Potter From: Ginny Weasley Re: Red Right Hand Good point. Here's a thought... want to have a series of T-Sh irts or robes made up with the "I Tink I Taw" emblazoned on the back? It'd send Moldiemort through the roof! -Ginny

* * *

To: Ginny Weasley From: Harry Potter Re: Have I Mentioned? I think I love you. Who do you have that can pull such a project off? HP I mocked Voldemort Ask me how!

* * *

To: Harry Potter From: Fred & George Re: What are you doing? With our sister? She's just come to us with an offer. If we produce a series of robes that shimmer the following phrase:

"I Tink I Taw a Bid Bad Moldiemort I DiD, I DiD I DiD Tee a Bid Bad Moldiemort", and if we do it at our cost, it will reduce the vengeance we're currently experi encing. Err, Harry, that shrinking potion will wear off in a week, right? - G&F

* * *

To: Ginny Weasley From: Harry Potter Re: Re: Have I mentioned You are SO good. HP I Mocked Voldemort Ask me how!

* * *

To: Fred & George Weasley From: Harry Potter Re: Re: What are you doing? Ginny and I are launching a very lucrative business relationship. And, as for the shrinking spell that depends ENTIRELY on you two. - HP I Mocked Voldemort As me how!

* * *

To: Ginny Weasley From: Gred & Forge Re: Robes How many do you want?

Traitor Your Brothers

* * *

To: Gred & Forge From: Ginny Weasley BCC: Harry Potter Re: Re: Robes You give me 25,000 units by week's end, with a reserve for another 25,000 after the next match, and I'll provide you with the antidote to your "li ttle" problem. - Ginny

* * *

To: Lee Jordan From: Fred & George Weasley Re: Problem Fixed Our sister is in cahoots with Potter. Downside: We have to pro duce some robes that openly make fun of Voldemort. We're still hoping we can mak e some sort of profit off this deal (WWW). Upside, the sooner we produce 25,000 units the sooner our masculine glory is res tored to us. So, stop researching potions, and get ready to sew, man. US Not THEM.

* * *

To: Harry Potter From: Lord Voldemort Re: Robes What will it take to get you to pull those robes off the market, Potte r? WHAT IS YOUR PRICE? - Voldemort

Chapter 4 Naked Quidditch Match - Four Parts of Mischief To: Harry Potter From: Lord Voldemort Re: Robes What will it take to get you to pull those robes off the market, Potter? WHAT IS YOUR PRICE? - Voldemort

* * *

To: Fred & George Weasley From: Albus Dumbledore / Heaster Re: Moldiemort Robes Mssrs. Weasley: Could I request an additional three hundred units of your most excellent robes? Please send the invoice to The Registrar, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wiza rdry. I will need the robes in the following sizes: Small - 50 units Medium - 150 units Large - 100 units Thank you kindly, Albus Dumbledore

* * *

To: Albus Dumbledore / Heaster From: Gred & Forge Re: Re: Moldiemort Robes Sir, In as much as we would like to take credit for the ingenious robes, I'm afraid t hat they are not of our product line. Our traitorous little sister has formed a most unholy and evil alliance with the Boy-Who-Mocked-Voldemort. We will, of course, forward your request to the Evil Duo.

Regards, Little Gred & Forge Weasley

* * *

To: Albus Dumbledore / Heaster From: Ginny Weasley Re: Re: Re: Moldiemort Robes Professor! What a most excellent name for the robes ! In discussing with my CEW, we would be most happy to donate the 300 units to y our cause. Ginny Weasley President, Moldiemort Inc A new division of Potter Enterprises Worldwide

* * *

To: Moldiemort From: Harry Potter BCC: Ginny Weasley Re: The Robes You want the Moldiemort Robes off sale? Swear allegiance to me as your Lord and Master and serve as my left hand and we'll see. - HP Chief Executive Wizard, Moldiemort Inc A new division of Potter Enterprises Worldwide

* * *

To: Harry Potter From: Ginny Weasley Re: Re: The Robes WHAT? You're going to make him your Left Hand?!

* * *

To: Ginny Weasley From: Harry Potter Re: Re: Re: The Robes I'm right-handed, Gin. CEW, Moldiemort Inc. A new division of Potter Enterprises Worldwide

* * *

To: Harry Potter From: Ginny Weasley Re: Re: Re: Re: The Robes Oh. blush Good point.

* * *

To: Harry Potter From: Ron Weasley Re: Things Harry... first off, I'm trying very hard not to flip out. I'm given t o understand from my "belittled" brothers that you and Ginny are teaming in a bu siness affair. Okay, let's be honest, I take EVERYTHING those two say with a fir m twist of salt. You and Ginny? Teaming? AFFAIR? What the hell's going on? If you and my baby sister are... you know... I'm going to kill you! - Ron

* * *

To: Ron Weasley From: Harry Potter Re: Re: Things You git! We've talked about this before! I sleep in the bloody same DORM as you. Why are you Mmailing me about all this?

- HP I mocked Voldemort Ask me how!

* * *

To: Harry Potter From: Ron Weasley Re: Re: Re: Things Because I don't want to punch your bloody eyes out if you've not snogged my sister. And what do you mean YOU mocked You-Know-Who?

* * *

To: Ron Weasley From: Harry Potter Re: Re: Re: Re: Things Excuse me, but it's MY innocence you should be worried fo r. YOUR sister is a dangerous woman. Please note, she founded a very large (unau thorized) fan club, she proposed and found ways and people to prepare a calendar with images from the bloody game against Slytherin. You know the one, the one I have to prance around naked in? That woman would jump my bones if I were not keeping watch out for my own safety ! Somehow, I don't think I'm the predator, here, boyo! As for Voldie...did you see the article on the front page of the Daily Prophet? THAT is Gin and my business relationship. - HP CEW, Moldiemort Inc. A new division of Potter Enterprises Worldwide

* * *

To: Ginny Weasley From: Harry Potter Re: Your brotherI've taken a stance with your brother in order to:

keep my nose unbroken, and get him off my back. And, before you get wind of the details in my attempt to ward off a black eye le t me provide some truths. Ginny, you are a very scary determined woman. I've alw ays known this, but in the past two days of our business association, it's becom e clearer than ever that I could not wish for anyone better to aid me in my conq uest of the Dark Wizards of the world. - Harry CEW, Moldiemort Inc. A new division of Potter Enterprises Worldwide

* * *

To: Harry Potter From: Ron Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Things Oh. See, that's why I Mmailed you rather than you kno w, punch first and ask questions after. Ron

* * *

To: Harry Potter From: Ginny Weasley Re: Re: Your Brother Oh, that's so sweet Harry. You're making me blush. By the by, I am a predator? Ginny

* * *

To: Ginny Weasley From: Harry Potter Re: Re: Re: Your Brother Oh yes. Most definitely a predator. Harry

* * *

To: Hermione Granger From: Ron Weasley Re: Harry and Ginny Nuthin's going on. I asked Harry. They're the ones behind th e Moldiemort Robes, that's all. huh I wonder if this means Ginny's making some m oney off of the deal? - Ron

* * *

To: Ginny Weasley From: Hermione Granger Fwd: Re: Harry and Ginny I see you've successfully bamboozled your brother(s). HG

* * *

To: Hermione Granger From: Ginny Weasley Re: Fwd: Re: Harry and Ginny Oh, no. That was all my liege lord and master's doi ng. -G

* * *

To: Ginny Weasley From: Albus Dumbledore / Heaster Re: Re: The Robes Ms Weasley, Your generous offer would be most appreciated.

Dumbledore

* * *

To: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Heistress From: Albus Dumbledore / Heaster Re: The Moldiemort Robes Minerva, I expect delivery of the robes early tomorrow. They are quite spiffing. - Albus

* * *

To: Albus Dumbledore / Heaster From: M. McGonagall / Deputy Heistress Re: Re: The Moldiemort Robes If they don't get us all killed. Minerva

* * *

To: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Heistress From: Albus Dumbledore / Heaster Re: Re: Re: The Moldiemort Robes Oh, come now, my dear McGonagall. What is the a bsolute worst Voldemort could do? Jump up and down shrieking: "Kill Them, Kill T hem!"? Besides, they are a snazzy looking item. I'm quite taken with the robes! They ma ke a statement about Voldemort that empowers people against him. - Albus

* * *

To: Albus Dumbledore / Heaster From: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Heistress

Re: Re: Re: Re: The Moldiemort Robes You know, Albus, it's all fun and games unt il someone gets the Killing Curse flung at them. Minerva

* * *

To: Albus Dumbledore / Heaster From: Severus Snape Re: Last Meeting of the Death Eaters. The old boy is definitely off his rocker. He spent most of the meeting jumping up and down shrieking "Kill them! Kill them !" By the way, do you know that Potter has Voldemort's owl-address? In the middle o f a meeting an unmarked owl dropped off a package of Moldiemort Robes. I'm afrai d the gift wasn't well received. Sev

* * *

To: Harry Potter From: Oliver Wood Re: Picture Day Tomorrow's the day, eh mate? Krum and I have been fiends in the gym. You seen any of those amazing robes around Hogwarts? I suppose that's Fred & Geo rge's little game. D'ya suppose I can get my hands on one? They're selling out l ike hotcakes! - Oliver

* * *

To: Oliver Wood From: Harry Re: Re: Picture Day No problem, mate. A robe will be here and waiting for both y ou and Krum. See you in the morning. BTW, Ginny Weasley will be around during the shoot, but I'm assured that the "no-disclosure" charms will keep our dignity intact.

Harry CEW, Moldiemort Inc. A new division of Potter Enterprises Worldwide

* * *

To: Harry Potter From: Oliver Wood Re: Re: Re: Picture Day Ginny Weasley, huh? - Ollie

* * *

To: George & Fred From: Oliver Wood Re: Harry and Ginny So, they finally hooked up, huh? And you let him live. I'd have never guessed that. - Oliver

* * *

To: Harry Potter From: Fred and George Weasley, Big Brothers Re: Your unhealthy relationship with our sister Potter: It has come to our attention that your relationship with Ginny is not exclusivel y businesslike. If you touch her at all, we will hunt you down and hex you until you're a walkin g ment for every product of Weasley's Wizard Wheezes. Sincerely, F. & G. Weasley

* * *

To: Charlie Weasley From: Harry Potter Fwd: Re: Your unhealthy relationship with our sister Charlie: I don't suppose you're bringing along any HUNGRY dragons with you? I know a few prats who could definitely be filling. -HP CEW, Moldiemort Inc. A new division of Potter Enterprises Worldwide

* * *

To: Harry Potter From: Lord Voldemort Re: Your I HATE you Potter! Lord Voldemort

* * *

To: Harry Potter From: Charlie Weasley Re: In-Ter-esting Hey, are you snogging my little sister? It's not that the fami ly disapproves of you, you know. Mum would be THRILLED to have you as a son-in-l aw, eventually. The problem is the wagers going around the Wizarding World. Ginny's unrequited a doration of you isn't quite a secret, y'know. There's some serious money involve d now as to whether or not she'll nail you down. - Charlie

* * *

To: Charlie Weasley From: Harry Potter Re: Re: In-Ter-esting You're NOT serious! HP

* * *

To: Lord Moldiemort From: Harry Potter Re: Re: Your So, that's a "no"? That's okay, it's far more FUN this way. BTW, Dumbledore's just ordered 300 Moldiemort Robes. Gee, I wonder what he wants them for? Hope you liked yours! Hugs and Kisses, Your Mortal Enemy There once was a stinker named Voldie His breath, it smelled kinda moldy He's oh-so greedy He's tried to kill me But failed cuz his head is so hole-y

* * *

To: Harry Potter From: Charlie Weasley Re: Re: Re: In-Ter-esting Dead serious. So? Are you snogging my sister? Do I nee d to change my bets? - Charlie

* * *

To: Harry Potter

From: Molly Weasley Re: Daily Prophet Harry, According to the Prophet your girlfriend "Ginevra Weasley" will be attending the photo-shoot. Anything you'd care to explain, dear? -Molly

* * *

To: Charlie Weasley From: Harry Potter Re: Re: Re: Re: In-Ter-esting You put in a BET that your own sister would snog m e? CHARLIE! I'm appalled! Your own sister?!

* * *

To: Harry Potter From: Charlie Weasley Re: Re: Re: Re: In-Ter-esting You HAVE met my sister, haven't you Harry? You don 't stand a chance. - Charlie

* * *

To: Ginny Weasley From: Your Mother Re: Daily Prophet Ginny, Hi dear. I hope you're doing well. How are your classes? Things have certainly b een busy around here. I scarcely get time to sit down and read the Prophet in th e morning over a cuppa. Somehow, however, I do find time. In fact, just this morning I read a fascinatin g article in the Daily Prophet about the Harry Potter 2003 calendar. It's so nic e to see all the serious effort you kids are putting into making this a classy a

ffair. And, I think it's wonderful that Harry's giving all that money to the St. Mungo's Victims Unit. However, the article seems to have made an innocent gaffe. Apparently, you're go ing to be at the shoot as Harry's girlfriend. Isn't that funny? Tell, me, dear. Is there anything you'd care to share with Mummy?

* * *

To: Hermione Granger From: Ginny Weasley Re: Oh, shoot! My goose is so cooked. Have you SEEN the Prophet? Ginny

* * *

To: Ginny Weasley From: Hermione Granger Re: Re: Oh, shoot! Yes. Yes I have. Just what are your plans for Harry? -HG

* * *

To: Hermione Granger From: Ginny Weasley Re: Re: Re: Oh, shoot! Well. I was thinking of seducing him. Ginny

* * *

To: Ginny Weasley

From: Hermione Granger Re: Re: Re: Re: Oh, shoot! WHAT?!

* * *

To: Ginny Weasley From: Ron Weasley Re: Lunch Hey little sister, How about meeting me for a nice big brother little sister lunch today in Hogsmea de? Since the photo-shoot is today, and most of us have the Hogsmeade trip to go to while Harry and crew strips down to do their thing, I thought we should reconnec t. We don't do things together often enough, do we? - Ron

* * *

To: Hermione Granger From: Ron Weasley Re: Ginny Have you seen my sister today? Tried to Mmail her for a lunch get-toge ther and she's not yet picked up her mail or been seen. Any idear where she's at ? -Ron

* * *

To: Ron Weasley From: Hermione Granger Re: Ginny I have an idea. Yes. Tell you when we get to Hogsmeade. -Hermione

* * *

To: Fred & George Weasley From: Ron Weasley Re: Harry. Ginny Is it just me, or is it suspicious that on the day that Harry's doing the photo-shoot for Naked Quidditch Calendar, that our little sister has gone missing? - Ron

* * *

To: Ron From: F&> Re: Re: Harry. Ginny Bugger.

* * *

Chapter 5 Naked Quidditch Match - Fifth Time Around To: Ron From: F&> Re: Re: Harry. Ginny Bugger.

* * *

To: Gryffindor Tower (All) From: Fred & George Weasley Re: Our Little Sister URGENT: Anyone seen Ginny?

* * *

To: Fred & George Weasley From: Ron Re: Re: Our Little Sister Well?

* * *

To: Ickle Ronniekins From: Fred & George Weasley Re: Re: Re: Our Little Sister Nothing. Nada. Zip. She's probably in Hogsmeade already. Yeah. Like a regular Weasley would, leading us on to think she's snogging Harry, when actually she's laughing her ass off a t us. She'd do that to us. -F&>

* * *

To: Fred & George Weasley From: Ron Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Our Little Sister Delusional, much? Think back, dear brothers, to our sister's FIRST Valentines Day at Hogwarts. Now, tell me, if you were Ginny, what would YOU do? Drive your brothers insane with innuendo Snog Harry, and drive your brothers insane. Well? -Ron

* * *

To: Fred & George Weasley From: Lee Jordan Re: Re: Our Little Sister Just popped by the area of the photo shoot. Very secur e, and Dumbledore himself said that only authorized people are allowed in, to pr otect Harry and crew's dignity. Tell me, what kind of dignity can a man have if his bits are being splattered ac ross hundreds of thousands of calendars for sales worldwide? What am I missing? -Lee

* * *

To: Lee Jordan From: Fred & George Weasley Re: Re: Re: Our Little Sister Just a guess, but probably another 2 in. - Gred & Forge

* * *

To: Harry Potter From: Snuffles the Adorable Grim CC: Mooney Re: Photo-Daze So, Harry, how'd it go?

* * *

To: Snuffles From: R. Lupin

CC: Harry Potter Re: Re: Photo-Daze They only just started taking pictures, you git. It's scarcely past morning tea. I expect this will be a near full day for Harry. But, that's beside the pointâ ¦ the "Adorable Grim"? What kind of flowers ARE you snif fing? -Remus

* * *

To: Moony From: Snuffles the Adorable Grim CC: My Godson Re: Re: Re: Photo-Daze What? I'm a cute dog. I have it on good authority! Harry-- I'm not at all frightening, am I? I mean, I'm lovable as a stray mutt, r ight? - Snuffles

* * *

To: Snuffles From: R. Lupin CC: Harry Potter Re: Re: Re: Re: Photo-Daze You're the size of a small pony, and you think you're a cuddly little fluff-ball ? Obviously your meals have been laced with something lately. - Remus

* * *

To: Moony

From: Snuffles CC: Harry Potter Re: PMS, Much? Let me guess, it's that time of the month for you? - Snuffles

* * *

To: Remus Lupin, Snuffles From: Harry Potter Re: Re: PMS, Much? Kids, each to your corner. I'm on lunch break and at the rate your going, my Mma ilbox will start sending me Howlers. Snuffles: Ginny says that you're an adorable animal when you're clean. Since the last time you had a bath you were a free man... Remus: Don't taunt the dog. He's not had his shots. Now, if you don't mind, I'm prancing around in little more than a towel, I've ju st wolfed down some food. (No pun intended, Remus), and I'm off to do the dragon shot. Once today's done, I'm going down to Hogsmeade and getting utterly plaste red on Butterbeers and Firewhiskey. Only then do I think I'll be able to blot ou t the memory of this day. How DO I get myself into these situations? Harry I mocked Voldemorter Ask me how! * * *

To: Harry Potter From: Snuffles CC: Moony Re: Re: PMS, Much? Hey, Harry, How did you mock Voldemort?

* * *

To: Snuffles From: Harry Potter CC: Moony Re: Re:Re: PMS, Much? My last Mmail, then I'm back to posing all nekkid and stuf f. First, I sent my beloved enemy: "Oooh, I tink I taw a bid bad Moldiemort! I DiD, I DiD I Did tee a bid bad Moldiemort!" Most recently, however: "There once was a stinker named Voldie His breath, it smelled kinda moldy He's oh-so greedy He's tried to kill me But failed cuz his head is so hole-y" I'm thinking about doing a book of poems: Mockeries of a Dark Lord. Snazzy title, hmm? - Harry I Mocked Voldemort Ask me how!

* * *

To: Harry Potter From: Remus Lupin CC: Snuffles Re: Mockeries of a Dark Lord If that doesn't kill him, I don't know what will. - Moony

* * *

To: Harry Potter From: Snuffles CC: Moony Re: Re:Re: Re: PMS, Much? sniffle -- I love you kid. Really. Can I have an autog raphed copy? Snuffles the Sniffling

* * *

To: Harry Potter From: Lord Voldemort Re: Re:Re: Your I loathe you Potter. L.V.

* * *

To: Ginny Weasley From: Your Brothers Re: Today Where are you? To: My Brothers * * *

To: Prats United From: Ginny Weasley Re: Re:Today Obviously somewhere else. Mum says "Hi!" -Ginny

* * *

To: Ron From: Ginny Weasley Re: Re:Lunch Ron, what a lovely idea. I only wish I had received this Mmail say, yesterday. I 've got plans today, brother dear, including lunch with Mum. Maybe next time? - Ginny

* * *

To: Harry Potter Fans From: The President of the Unofficial Harry Pottery Fanclub Re: The Calendar Photos have been going VERY well. The photographer is quite exc ellent, and the poses are simply stunning. This calendar will be our BEST piece ever! The Harry Potter morning-wakeup call is peanuts next to this! My sincerest thanks to all contributors for their artistic work, their quotation s and more in putting this project together. It is a tribute to our love for our hero, and a fine statement to his sexiness. With that in mind, it is with great regret that I resign from my position as Pre sident of Harry's fan club. This club represents some of the best years I've had at Hogwarts. I wish you much success in future endeavors. -Ginny Weasley

* * *

To: Lord Moldiemort From: Harry Potter Re: Re: Re: Re: Your Love you too! HP "There once was a restored Dark Wizard Whose fondness for otheres rested only in lizards

He was such a drag That his conquest was bagged And now he's just stranded out in a lonely blizzard"

* * *

To: Ginny From: Ron Re: Re: Lunch I wish I'd known Mum and you were meeting for lunch. Next time, I WILL to Mmail a day before. Thanks, Gin. We were all worried that you were hanging off of Harry while he's p rancing around in the buff. - Ron

* * *

To: Ron Weasley From: Charlie Weasley Re: Hey, you...Why weren't you around for the photo-shoot? You could have had lu nch with Mum, Ginny and I. Harry, understandably, made himself scarce for lunch. I'm amazed he's doing this with all the dignity he's shown thus far. The charms to protect the guys modesty are fantastic. It seriously looks like th ey're wearing the Moldiemort robes. Very cool. And, as for Harry, Sally says the camera is reporting him very deliciously. Poor git. - Charlie

* * *

To: Charlie Weasley From: Ron Weasley Re: Re: Hey, you... GINNY WAS WITH YOU AT THE PHOTO SHOOT?

* * *

To: Fred & George Weasley From: Ron Weasley FW: Hey, you... Ginny was out gallivanting around with her nekkid hero. So much for her presumed innocence. Someone find a unicorn, hmm? - Ron

* * *

To: Susan Bones From: Lavender Brown Re: Ginny's quitting! Word is, Ms. Weasley was snogging with Harry at the photoshoot. I wonder if she managed to check out those measurements for accuracy? Lavender

* * *

To: Parvati Patil From: Pa Patil Re: Ginny's Quitting! Rumor has it she and Harry were seen snogging on the Quidd itch Pitch... and he was 'dressed' for the photos! That might explain her sudden retirement, yes? Your Sister

* * *

To: Colin Creevey From: Pa Patil Re: Ginny Bad luck, squirt. Ginny IS involved with Harry. I guess this entire up coming game has made him see her in a new light. Go figure. I thought HE was the

one all exposed. - Pa

* * *

To: Neville Longbottom From: Colin Creevey Re: Ginny & Harry Who's going to tell HER brothers? - Colin

* * *

To: Colin Creevey From: Neville & Trevor Re: Re: Ginny & Harry Tell her brothers WHAT?! Nev

* * *

To: Neville Longbottom From: Colin Creevey Re: Re:Ginny & Harry Oops. Harry and Ginny were getting it on on the Quidditch P itch earlier today. - Colin

* * *

To: Colin Creevey From: Neville & Trevor Re: Re: Re: Re: Ginny & Harry NO WAY! I am certainly not brave enough to tell AN Y of the Weasley's THAT one!

I like my nose unbroken! Nev

* * *

To: Seamus Finnigan, Dean Thomas From: Neville & Trevor Re: Watch your P & Q's Apparently, Harry has finally noticed the fair Weasley de moiselle. That means war between him and Ron once the Weasley's all find out abo ut what was happening on the Quidditch pitch today. Neville

* * *

To: Harry Potter From: Dean Thomas Re: YOU and GINNY? Hey, man... just heard the news. Congrats. So, just how "get it on" did you "get it on" at the Quidditch Pitch today? Dean P.S. Ron will NEVER hear about this from me! It's in Gringotts, man.

* * *

To: Ginny Weasley From: Pa Patil Re: YOU and HARRY! Oh my GOSH! I just heard about YOU and Harry! And on the Quid ditch Pitch! So, tell me, is he all of those 13 centimeters? And, what DOES he l ook like under those robes? You lucky girl! See, dreams DO come true! - Pa

* * *

To: Harry Potter From: Ginny Weasley Re: The Quidditch Pitch According to various people, I'm given to understand I j umped you or you jumped ME on the Quidditch Pitch. Where was I when this was goi ng on? Ginny

* * *

To: Ginny Weasley From: The now-attired Harry Potter Re: Re:The Quidditch Pitch Damned if I know. The only thing that involves the wo rld "on," "jump," and "Quidditch Pitch" that involves me and today was a dragon or three. Any other less bodily damaging activities seem to have ed me by en tirely. You do realize if your brothers get wind of the rumor mill, the Harry Potter Nek kid calendar will be produced posthumously. I hope you can put a good word in at my funeral. -HP

* * *

To: Harry Potter From: Ginny Weasley Re: Posthumous Seems a pity, then... you going to your grave for snogging me (or more) and never having done the deed. Seems to me if you're going to be accused for something and judged you should at least have the fun of having committed t he 'crime'. - Ginny

* * *

To: Ginny Weasley From: Harry Potter Re: Re: Posthumous You busy tonight?

* * *

Chapter 6 Naked Quidditch Match - Six Times the Fun To: Ginny Weasley From: Harry Potter Re: Re: Posthumous You busy tonight?

* * *

To: Gryffindor Quidditch Team From: Your Captains Re: Today's Game Ladies and Gents: McGonagall recommends we meet in her office an hour before game time. She wants to ensure that the protection spells are on rightly, and read us a riot act. As well, she and Flitwick will escort us to the lockers safe from the prying eyes o f Harry's adoring fans. In other news, every Bludger will be aimed towards the Seeker for his snogging w ith our little sister. Hugs & Kisses (Or Slobbers & Gropes) - Gred & Forge Weasley Captains, Gryffindor House Team Extraordinaire.

* * *

To: Ginny Weasley From: Katie Bell FWD: Today's Game Sick 'em, babe. They're threatening your man.

* * *

To: Fred and George Weasley From: Ginny Weasley CC: Ron Weasley Re: Fwd: Today's GameDear Prats: Pray tell, how could Harry grope, snog or whatnot with me with our Mother and el der brother (Charlie) around? If you can explain this mystery to me, I'd be most delighted. Especially since I seem to be the person missing out on all the fun of said sexual mischief. Oh, and if a single Bludger heads Harry's way, as directed by any one of my sibl ings, I'll make your life a living hell. First, with a conversation with Mum, an d then in usual Weasley style. Apparently, the corrective potion for your 'littl e' problem gave you some big brassy balls. These too can be removed. Surgically. Ever your loving, if vengeful sister, Ginny

* * *

To: Harry Potter From: Fred and George Weasley Re: Re: Fwd: Re: Today's Game Running behind Ginny's skirts, eh?

* * *

To: Fred and George Weasley From: Harry Potter Re: Re: Re: Fwd: Re: Today's Game You poor saps. I think, in your quest to feel outraged over nothing, you've forgotten: a) You put us in this predicament of a naked game. b) The girls want your hide. Don't look to me for blame. The ladies of our team aren't peeved at me, so if th ey choose to protect my interests...shrug. Of course, the way I see it, they've chosen to protect the school assets. As for your sister, Ginny's just institutin

g her rights to be protective of her potential claim. What can I say, gentlemen? I have already sold 1.2 million calendars, sight unse en. I have a field of Aurors out there (all female) to watch for... deviant game plays. Why would I run to Ginny for protection? Harry

* * *

To: Fred and George Weasley From: Ron Weasley Re: IdiotsDo stop before you get us all killed. - RW

* * *

To: Katie Bell, Angelina Johnson, Alicia Spinnet From: Humble and Pie Re: We're sorry Dear ladies, We're very sorry for the horrid position we've put you in. Honest. Please don't kill us out there. - F&>

* * *

To: Full o' !#$ From: Katie Bell Re: Re: We're sorry Fred, George: After six years of playing with you two, and what feels like centuries of knowin g the pair of you, you don't think we're stupid enough to take that little last minute dig-out-of-your-grave seriously, do you? For the record, Alicia spoke with Harry in the common room. He's howling with la ughter, just keeled over and dying laughing at the stupidity of the pair of you.

Honestly, given the security going on yesterday and the way he's run from your sister's overtures of adoration before, whatever gave you the idea that they wer e snogging during the 'shoot yesterday? -The Girls

* * *

To: Katie Bell From: Fred and George Weasley Re: Re: Re: We're Sorry It's all Lee's fault.

* * *

To: Fred and George Weasley From: Katie Bell CC: Lee Jordan Re: Re: Re: Re: We're Sorry Right. And we'll be sure to let HIM know of that.

* * *

To: Fred and George Weasley From: Lee Jordan Re: What the? I stood by you prats! I've defended you, ed you, researched potions (blah !) for you, and took risks for you! And THIS is how you repay my loyalty! Just , old boys. While you're out there PLAYING today, I'm the one in th e commentator's booth. And I'll GET you for this. - Lee

* * *

To: Gryffindor Quidditch Team

From: Your Captains Re: The GameWe had a second thought. Want to concede the game?

* * *

To: Our Captains From: The Girls CC: Harry Potter Re: Re: The Game Oh, HELL no!

* * *

To: My Dear Captains From: Harry Potter CC: The Girls Re: Re: The Game Perish the thought! Gryffindor concede to the Slytherins? What WOULD Oliver say?! - HP

* * *

To: Our Family From: Fred and George Weasley Re: Our Last Will and Testament Attach: GFwill.doc (30 K)Dear Family: We're doomed. Please find attached our Last Will & Testament. Think kind thought s of us at our funeral, if there's enough of us left to bury. F&>

* * *

To: Lord Voldemort From: Harry Potter Re: Our Last MmailHey, Tom, Haven't heard from you lately. Hope you're keeping okay. How are my Death Eaters ? I've got a bit of a big match to play today, but I intend to come down with my Second In Command and inspect the troops shortly after. Just to keep you up-to-date on my modus operandi: a) Take over the Ministry b) Imprison all Opponents in Azkaban (that's you, Tom) c) Insert my new world order Please insert a physical exercise regimen for the troops. And, I'd like IQ testi ng done. I need people with quick reflexes and quicker wits. All others will joi n you in Azkaban. Hugs & Kisses, Harry

* * *

To: Ginny Weasley From: Harry Potter Re: Moldie Haven't heard from ol' Tom lately. I suspect he's planning to attack today's match.

* * *

To: Harry Potter From: Ginny Weasley Re: Re: Moldie I'll take care of that. I think a stadium full of Moldiemort robe s, and the ments for Mockeries of a Dark Lord on the Wizard-view will b e enough to throw him off his game. But, just in case, I'll see about having Cha rlie get those three dragons fly about on a patrol sweep. - G

* * *

To: Albus Dumbledore / Heaster From: Ginny Weasley Re: Lord Voldemort Attach: mockads.zip (100 K)Professor: As we have developed and marketed recent inspirational materials (Moldiemort Rob es, and our newest product Mockeries of a Dark Lord due for release in hardcover next month), we have received many threats from Lord Voldemort. While hollow in nature, and really quite trivial, we do believe a potential "retaliation" of Mo ldie with his unhygienic Death Eaters may disrupt the game. Given the ion we Gryffindors have for our sport and our team, I would like t o make a few suggestions as to how to prevent ol' Moldie from causing any proble ms. A) A prevalent display of Moldiemort robes would cause him much anguish and frus tration, possibly throwing him off his game. B) The attached magical slide-show advertising the book, Mockeries of a Dark Lord, will also cause him much emotional grief. C) Dragon sweeps. We have three on the premise, complete with trained riders. Sw eeps of these creatures will disrupt the magical fields and stability needed for the Death Eaters to apparate with structure. Any other defenses you may determine needful would also be welcomed, but the abo ve are easily incorporated and will definitely give Tommy some emotional trauma that should give us an advantage. Best regards, G. Weasley

* * *

Chapter 7 Naked Quidditch Match - 7 Minutes to Game To: Albus Dumbledore / Heaster From: Ginny Weasley Re: Lord Voldemort Attach: mockads.zip (100 K) Professor: As we have developed and marketed recent inspirational materials (Moldiemort Rob

es, and our newest product Mockeries of a Dark Lord due for release in hardcover next month), we have received many threats from Lord Voldemort. While hollow in nature, and really quite trivial, we do believe a potential "retaliation" of Mo ldie with his unhygenic Death Eaters may disrupt the game. Given the ion we Gryffindors have for our sport and our team, I would like t o make a few suggestions as to how to prevent ol' Moldie from causing any proble ms. A) A prevalent display of Moldiemort robes would cause him much anguish and frus tration, possibly throwing him off his game. B) The attached magical slide-show advertising the book, Mockeries of a Dark Lord, will also cause him much emotional grief. C) Dragon sweeps. We have three on the premise, complete with trained riders. Sw eeps of these creatures will disrupt the magical fields and stability needed for the Death Eaters to apparate with structure. Any other defenses you may determine needful would also be welcomed, but the abo ve are easily incorporated and will definitely give Tommy some emotional trauma that should give us an advantage. Best regards, G. Weasley

* * *

To: Lucius Malfoy From: The Dark Lord of Sith Re: Potter Malfoy, I expect your attendance upon me within the hour. A situation has arisen that requires immediate attention. Potter has decided to branch furt her into other marketing aspects of our conflict, and yet no licensing authority has come from my lawyers. I want this boy STOPPED! He's making a fool of us all! Lord Voldemort Dark Wizard Grand Order of Sith

* * *

To: Lestrange-at-Azkaban From: Lucius Malfoy

Re: "Dark Lord of Sith" The old boy has been watching the "Star Wars" trilogy ag ain. Damn Muggles. It's obviously rattled his brains some more. Now he's the "Da rk Lord of Sith" If he starts wearing a black shiny mass and breathing heavy, I' m outta here. Anyway, we have a small legal situation on the horizon. Problem being, our Maste r has killed off all the lawyers we've hired to represent him. Any suggestions? Good luck with the Dementors! Hope you've got that drool problem under control. - Lucky

* * *

To: Lord Voldemort From: Lucius Malfoy Re: Re: Potter Master, I have made some inquiries with regards to the legal rami fications. We could put a block on any future merchandise sales, but to do this, you MUST NOT KILL OFF THE LAWYERS! At least, not the ones who are representing your cause. Please Master, I know they're all annoying evil gits, but... just this once, ple ase don't just A-K them immediately upon their fee statement! Ever your loyal and obedient servant, - Lucius Malfoy

* * *

To: Harry Potter From: Severus Snape / Potions Master Re: Merchandising Potter: The Dark Lord is hiring a lawyer to block all sales of your product line. FYI. - Professor Snape

* * *

To: Ginny Weasley From: Harry Potter

CC: Severus Snape / Potions Master FW: Re: Merchandising Ginny, I've ed Legal, and they are pretty sure they can counter any block Moldiemort tries to put in place. They recommend, however , we avoid any physical characterizations of Ol' Tom, and ensure that we do not list "Lord Voldemort" by name in any of our reproductions to ensure consistency. I assured them this wasn't a problem. So, in that vein, could you remove the las t sonnet in "Mockeries of a Dark Lord" before it goes to print? And are we almos t ready to release the calendar for sale? I'd like to get more on the market bef ore anything goes to court. That way, Tommy loses more and more legal ground. Oh, and please, have the twins send our illustrious Professor Snape a compliment ary Moldiemort robe. - HP

* * *

To: Harry Potter From: Ginny Weasley CC: Severus Snape / Potions Master Re: FW: Re: Merchandising Harry: I've notified the twins Re:Legal's advice. 2) Removed the last sonnet. I'm keeping a copy in my private edition, mind you. 3) Calendar is GORGEOUS! And, effective 10:00 hours, it goes on sale. Do keep in mind, pre-release sales have 70 percent of all copies sold out. Immediate deliv ery has been scheduled, so it's safe to say for those who have already bought a copy, they'll have it in their hot drooling little hands at 10:01 hours. 4) One complimentary set of Moldiemort robes, with the anti-wear charm to protec t against any students spraying a damaging potion on them have been sent to our brilliant Potions Master. Good luck with the game today, Harry! Ginny

* * *

To: Harry Potter From: Ginny Weasley Re: Sucking Up Was that enough? Do you think he'll be all puffed, peacocky and l eave us the bloody hell alone in class for a few days?

- GW

* * *

To: Ginny Weasley From: Harry Potter Re: Re: Sucking up We can only hope. You'll be at the game today? HP

* * *

To: Harry Potter From: Ginny Weasley Re: Re: Re: Sucking up With bells on. Have I complimented you on your excellent physique, yet? I had to put the calendar down and start fanning myself. My goodn ess, Harry... Ginny

* * *

To: Harry Potter From: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Heistress Re: Calendars Potter: Before you investigate the records of sales, I have purchased one of your calend ars for my niece. I don't suppose you would be so courteous to autograph it, wou ld you? Minerva McGonagall Deputy Heistress

* * *

To: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Heistress

From: Harry Potter Re: Re: Calendars Professor: Even though a part of my fragile ego cringes at this entire... calendar episode, I would be delighted to autograph your copy. I can have it sent to you with aut ograph already on it before delivery begins, sparing you (and me) the embarrassm ent of tracking me down to sign. To whom should it be autographed? Harry

* * *

To: Harry Potter From: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Heistress Re: Re: Re: Calendars Potter: I thank you for your consideration. I quite agree that having to get the calenda r autographed after delivery would be embarrassing for all parties involved. It should be persoanlized to: "Minnie" and any references to Minnie as a kitten are all fine. Minerva McGonagall Deputy Heistress

* * *

To: Ginny Weasley, Hermione Granger From: Harry Potter FW: You Won't Believe This Come on, now truthfully, are you BUYING the niece thi ng? - HP

* * *

To: Harry Potter, Ginny Weasley From: Hermione Granger

Re: FW: You Won't Believe This Oh dear heavens! I have Transfiguration this morn ing! How will I sit in her class and NOT break into giggles! - HG

* * *

To: Harry Potter, Hermione Granger From: Ginny Weasley Re: FW: You Won't Believe This Harry... She wants you. Surely you can milk a good grade out of that! Ginny "Don't TOUCH the merchandise! Hands off! Back, you madwomen! Back!" - O. Wood, Witch Weekly Vol 11330, Issue 320

* * *

To: Harry Potter From: Oliver Wood Re: Your Game Today Good luck today, mate. To perk you up on this deplorable eve nt, I was watching the Wizard Broadcast and they covered a section Re: the calen dar. I think it's safe to say, it's a smashing hit. And, the photographer was ut terly amazing. Not one commentary has referred to it as anything but artistic, g raceful, amazing, awesome and a 'true appreciation of fine male physicality'. I think you're safe. Strut your stuff, Potter. And make Malfoy look BAD. - Ollie Nekkid Partner in Crime

* * *

To: Harry Potter, Ginny Weasley From: Lavender Brown Re: Calendars Orders Harry, I was just finalizing all the orders for immediate d elivery before I nip down to brekkie. The charms are all set, owls loaded, and e

verything is ready to rock and roll like clockwork. As I reviewed the sales list, a couple of alarming purchases leapt up to grab me . First: Draco bought a copy. If he tries to 'grab' anything on the field, I doubt it'll be the Snitch. Make sure you're guarding the jewels, Harry. Or Ginny will eviscerate Malfoy. Second: Lucius Malfoy bought a copy. Clearly, the apple hasn't fallen far from t he tree. Third: Tom Riddle bought a copy. Now, if I were you, I'd be very afraid! - Lav

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To: Ginny Weasley From: Harry Potter Re: Breakfast Just heading down to the Great Hall in a moment. You up to me in a bite? Harry

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To: Harry Potter From: Ginny Weasley Re: Re: Breakfast I'd like some sausage, yes.

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To: Ginny Weasley From: Harry Potter Re: Re:Breakfast Evil woman!

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To: Lavender Brown From: Ginny Weasley CC: Harry Potter Re: Re: Calendar Orders Lavender, could you grab those three copies and stop the m from going out? I want them to be personalized in a very special way for these three special customers. I'll discuss this further with Harry at breakfast. I'l l grab the units from you on my way down. - Ginny

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To: Ginny Weasley From: Lavender Brown Re: Re: Re: Calendar Orders You got it, girlfriend!

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To: Lord Voldemort From: Harry Potter Re: Your Calendar Order Attach: StupidGit.dld (5 MB) Dear Tom: Please click on the below link to receive your "Naked Quidditch" calendar, featu ring myself in all my glory. As a special favor to you, I've personalized the co py. Enjoy! Harry

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To: Draco Malfoy From: Harry Potter Re: Your Calendar Order

Attach: LilWanker.dld (5 MB) Dear Draco: Please click on the below link to receive your "Naked Quidditch" calendar, featu ring myself in all my glory. As a special favor to you, I've personalized the co py. Enjoy! Harry

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To: Lucius Malfoy From: Harry Potter Re: Your Calendar Order Attach: Wanker.dld (5 MB) Dear Lucky: Please click on the below link to receive your "Naked Quidditch" calendar, featu ring myself in all my glory. As a special favor to you, I've personalized the co py. Enjoy! Harry

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To: Ginny Weasley From: Ron Weasley CC: Fred and George Weasley Re: Today's Game Ginny, I didn't mention this at breakfast because I didn't want to start a public row. I don't think you should go to the game today. It's goin g to be quite risque and terribly inappropriate for a young lady like yourself. - Ron

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To: Ron Weasley From: Ginny Weasley

CC: Fred and George Weasley Re: Re: Today's Game At the personal invitation of Harry Potter, I will be at th e game. I even have a reserved seat. Given that I am one of the producers of the "Naked Quidditch" calendar, I really don't think that there is any 'more' of Harry that I can see while he's riding a broomstick. The only trauma I may experience is seeing my twin brothers out th ere in all their glory. I've got to drop a package off to McGonagall, so I'll ask for assistance to prev ent my not-so-naive eyes from seeing things best left unseen. - Ginny

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To: Hermione Granger From: Ron Weasley Re: Today's Game You're not going, right? - Ron

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To: Ron Weasley From: Hermione Granger Re: Re: Today's Game Of COURSE I'm going. Aren't you? You can sit with Ginny and me. - Hermione

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To: Poppy Pomfrey / School Nurse From: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Heistress Re: Ronald Weasley In furtherance to our conversation, I agree that perhaps Ron Weasley is best left sedated until the game is over. His catatonic state of bein g this morning is not a good indicator that he can watch the game without a comp lete nervous breakdown. Poor boy. - Minnie

Chapter 8 Naked Quidditch Match - 8 Seconds Left To: Poppy Pomfrey / School Nurse From: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Heistress Re: Ronald Weasley In furtherance to our conversation, I agree that perhaps Ron Weasley is best lef t sedated until the game is over. His catatonic state of being this morning is n ot a good indicator that he can watch the game without a complete nervous breakd own. Poor boy. - Minnie

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To: Lord Voldemort From: Lucius Malfoy Re: Legal Issues My lord, the courts have rejected your claim that Moldiemort ro bes are a libelous violation of your civil rights. Worse, the Wizard Live Broadcast of the Gryffindor / Slytherin game has indicated that nearly all spectators are planning to wear the robes in of their hero, Potter. Further the overhead banner of the announcing booth will have promotional material for the robes alongside "The Naked Quidditch" calendar s and a new product that I fear will truly not please you. Something called "Mockeries of a Dark Lord". Again, the courts claim you do not have exclusive rights to the phrase "Dark Lord" and it is a vague enough term fo r any of history's predominant dark wizards. And, yes, before you ask, I killed the lawyers representing your interest. Lucius Malfoy

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To: Peter Pettigrew From: Lucius Malfoy Re: Our Master I daresay that he'll start foaming at the mouth anytime now. Watc h him closely, Peter. I've got our people organized to run an assault during the

game. I'll let you know how it goes before reporting to Him. If things fall apa rt, give him some calming potion. Lucius Malfoy

* * *

To: Lucius Malfoy From: Peter Pettigrew Re: Re:Our Master So much for being "Lucky". Our Frothing Lord is intending to lead the assault. Was nice knowing you, Malfoy! Happy trails in hell! PP

* * *

To: Padfoot From: Moony Re: Game Time Hey, Padfoot -- I'm about to Apparate over to Hogsmeade for the ga me. You up to meeting me outside the Three Broomsticks before heading up to Hogw arts? Moony

* * *

To: Moony From: Padfoot Re: Re: Game Time Will you give me a bowl of Butterbeer? - Woof

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To: Padfoot

From: Moony Re: Butterbeer You lush. You'd think you'd not had Butterbeer in a decade. - Moony

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To: Moony From: That Puppy in the Window Re: Re: Butterbeer I haven't had Butterbeer in a decade! They don't exactly serv e fine cuisine in Azkaban. Moldy bread, rancid water, etc. That's their menu. I reckon, I don't rightly WHAT Butterbeer tastes like, after so long of being wrongfully imprisoned. - Poor Hard-done by Padfoot

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To: Padfoot From: Moony Re: Guilt-trips You always were a master of the Guilt-Trip. Damn those puppy-dog eyes of yours. Fine. I'll buy you some Butterbeer. - Moony

* * *

To: Moony From: Padfoot Re: Re: Guilt-trips You love me. You really do. sniff

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To: Padfoot From: Moony Re: Re: Re: Guilt-trips Only in your better dreams. Now, get your tail-wagging a rse in gear and get over here.

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To: Albus Dumbledore / Heaster From: Charlie Weasley Re: Game Time Dragons are in place. I must it, I'm delighted that my little s ister thought of this idea. I had no idea that she was so well trained in unders tanding the capabilities of defensive dragon stratagems. Looking forward to the game, today. And man, am I EVER glad that I never had a m atch like this! - Charlie Weasley

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To: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Heistress From: Albus Dumbledore / Heaster Re: Games & Calendars I am to understand by the glazed look in students' eyes th at the calendars were issued promptly this morning. I must ire Weasley and Po tter for their strategy. Attention on the game today will have been lessened by the presence of this calendar. I have heard from Severus today. He feels Harry and his associates have an unfai r advantage. It appears a few of his Quidditch team have also received c opies of the calendar and are incredibly distracted. I agreed to speak to you re garding postponing the game. Your thoughts? Albus

* * *

To: Albus Dumbledore / Heaster

From: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Heistress Re: Game No. Way. In. Hell. I wanta to see my boys at play! - Minnie

* * *

To: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Heistress From: Albus Dumbledore / Heaster Re: Re: Game Minnie: You. Gutter. OUT!

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To: Albus Dumbledore / Heaster From: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Heistress Re: Re: Re: Game Oh, dear. Sorry. Backslid for a moment there. It shan't happen again, Professor. All the same, with all the charms, protections and other lengths we have gone to for this game, I am not in favor of postponing. - Minnie

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To: Severus Snape / Potions Master From: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Heistress Re: The Game (TODAY!) Severus, we are still on for today's game. I trust your bo ys and girls are ready for the game and focused on the task at hand. Yours, Minerva

* * *

To: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Heistress From: Severus Snape / Potions Master Re: Re: The Game (TODAY!) Minerva, Are we not taking inter-house rivalry a little far? My team is certainly not rea dy, as there's something other than the game that they want to have in hand. SS

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To: Severus Snape / Potions Master From: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Heistress Re: Re: Re: The Game (TODAY!) Nice implied statement. Very slick.

* * *

To: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Heistress From: Severus Snape / Potions Master Re: Re: Re: Re: The Game (TODAY!) Not so bad yourself, Minnie. Regardless how the game turns out, do you want to g o down to Hogsmeade after and celebrate our survival of this farce? SS

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To: Severus Snape / Potions Master From: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Heistress Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: The Game (TODAY!) Only if you're up to it, old boy! Only if you're up to it. wink - Minnie

* * *

To: Ginny Weasley From: Pa Patil Re: Game time (soon!) Ginny, if you're still around and not down at the pitch, d o you want to go down with us HP fans?

* * *

To: Pa Patil From: Ginny Weasley Re: Re: Game time (soon!) Can't. Gotta go down with my man (right now!) and '' the team. Ginny

* * *

To: Ginny Weasley From: Oliver Wood Re:Calendars Hey Ginny, Can you bring my copy of the now infamous "Naked Quidditch" pictures down to the game? I'd rather not have them delivered by owl post. My 'fans' would likely fi lch them. Amongst anything else they can find to get their mangey grasping paws on. But, heyâ ¦ I'm not bitter. Just bruised. I'll see you at the game! - Oliver

* * *

To: Oliver Wood From: Ginny Weasley Re: Re: Calendars Ouch, Oliver. You have got to hire some bodyguards! If it make s you feel any better, you'll always be safe around me.

I've got your pictures, all nicely bundled up and innocuous. Glad you mailed me when you did. I almost sent them out! I'm heading down to McGonagall's office with Harry in just a moment. The team is having a "don't kill each other" session with our fearless Head. So, I'll be do wn at the pitch bright and early. Harry's reserved a great seat for Hermione and me. BTW, unit sales of the calendar are at 92. We were 70 sold before the product we nt live, and sold an additional 22 in less than two hours. I think it'll be sold out by the time the game's over. Dennis Creevey has volunteered to monitor the sales while the game is on. He say s he can't bear to be out there watching all sorts of 'bits flying about'. GW

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To: Ginny Weasley From: Oliver Wood Re: Re: Re: Calendars Oh, I bet I'm safe around you. It's not my body you're so fond of ogling, now is it? - Oliver

* * *

To: Oliver Wood From: Ginny Weasley Re:Re: Re: Re: Calendars Be nice, Ollie. I do have all of the original photos and negatives after all. I' d hate to have to blackmail you into good behavior and less innuendo. Even if what you're implying is true. And more importantly, my ogling object is now mine. All mine. Bwahahahah. Urr. Sorry. Gin

* * *

To: Lord Voldemort

From: Lucius Malfoy Re:Today's Assault Master, May I humbly request that you allow us to make the attack on the Hogwar ts Quidditch Match on your behalf? Let us endeavor to bring this victory to you. Potter has been too cocky in his recent assaults, Master. I do not wish to endan ger you in something that is most assuredly a trap. Please Master. Stay home. Watch your Star Wars DVD's. Again. - Lucius Malfoy

* * *

To: Lucius Malfoy From: The Dark Lord Re: Re: Today's Assault Potter stands no chance against me. I am VOLDEMORT! DARK LORD OF THE SITH! No force of Goodness may stand against me. I shall emerge from this battle victo rious! There is only the Darkness! VOLDEMORT DARK LORD OF SITH

* * *

To: Draco Malfoy From: Daddy Re: Today's Game Son, The 'Dark Lord' has snapped. He's completely off his rocker. Looney as they get. Nutters. Just thought I should let you know. He's planning to attack at today's game, and I'm almost certain this will blow up in all our faces. I think it's time for the Malfoy family to switch teams, if you know what I mean . With love, Daddy

* * *

To: Hermione Granger From: Ginny Weasley Re: Game Time Hey Hermione (Harry beside me says "Hi!") Just heading down now. Meet you down there in a few! G & H

* * *

To: Ginny Weasley & Harry Potter From: Hermione Granger Re: Out of Curiosity Why is Harry in your dorm, Ginny? And are you aware your br other has gone completely catatonic? - Hermione

* * *

To: Hermione Granger From: Ginny Weasley Re:Re: Out of Curiosity Which brother? I have so many with so many reasons to go catatonic. Most having something to do with things I've done to them. Anyway, i t's hard to know which brother has snapped with a vague statement like that. Cou ld you be more specific? And, Ms. Manners, mind your own business. We're having a post-breakfast business meeting, if you must know. G & H

* * *

To: Ginny Weasley & Harry Potter From: Hermione Granger Re: Re: Re: Out of Curiosity Business meeting, my arse. Post-breakfast, Pre-game

snog. And, your brother RON has gone catatonic. Is that specific enough? In fact, he's foaming at the mouth. Rather like you were after the measurements for Harry were publicly released by, oh yes, Harry. D'ya suppose your brother is GAY? - Hermione

* * *

To: Hermione Granger From: Ginny Weasley Re: Re: Re: Re: Out of Curiosity Wouldn't you be the expert on my dear brothersâ ¦ preference? Besides, no, I don't thi nk he's gay. Unlike Draco Malfoy (and the Malfoy family) he didn't order a calen dar.

* * *

To: Ginny Weasley From: Hermione Granger Re: Draco EEEEEP! That's soâ ¦ soâ ¦ SICK!

* * *

To: Lee Jordan From: Fred and George Weasley Re: About that last email... We're sorry, Lee. Shouldn't have blamed you. How can we make it up to you, ol' b uddy, ol' pal, ol' friend? - F&>

* * *

To: Fred and George Weasley From: Lee Jordan Re: Autoresponder / (Re: About that last emailâ ¦) Sorry, I'm not available at present to take your message. Today is the long awaited Gryffindor Naked Quidditch Matc h, and as the commentator for Quidditch Sports at Hogwarts, I'm needed for stadi um broadcast setup. Hope to see you at the game! Come out and show your team your ! And if your Fred / George Weasleyâ ¦ vengeance is mine. Lee Jordan

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To: To My Loyal Death Eaters From: Lord Voldemort Re: Mobilization of our Forces against Potter! My loyal Death Eaters, Now is the time to wage an assault against Dumbledore and Potter. I want every p erson wearing those robes tortured, Crucio'd, and killed. I want them pounded in to the ground. I want them pummeled, pulverized, gutted, eviscerated, gouged, crucified, goredâ ¦ I w ant them DEAD! I trust you get my point. We attack as soon as the balls are in the air. Lord Voldemort

* * *

To: The Dark Lord, The Gang From: Vinnie Crabbe Re: Re: Mobilization of our Forces against Potter! Master, Given the number of balls that will be flying, which specific one has to be in t he air before we attack? Potter's, or the Quidditch balls?

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To: Sales-at-Moldiemort From: C. Fudge Organization: Ministry of Magic Re: Robes I'd like to order three robes, XL size. And, could I also request two of "The Naked Quidditch" calendars? Orders should be billed to: Minister of Magic Wizard Government Building London, England

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To: Minister C. Fudge From: Sales-at-Moldiemort Organization: Ministry of Magic Re: Re: RobesDear Minister Fudge: Thank you for your order. Units Size Description Unit Price Total 3 XL Moldiemort 50 Galleons 150 Galleons 2 -- NQ Calendar 2 Galleons 4 Galleons ------------------------------------------------------------------Subtotal: 154 Galleons Tax (3): 4 Galleons, 60 Sickles Balance Due: 158 Galleons, 60 Sickles Units will be delivered immediately. Best regards, Moldiemort Incorp. Watch soon for our newest product: "Mockeries of a Dark Lord", a cynical and hum orous portrayal of evil via prose, limericks and other fun literary works.

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To: Sales-at-Moldiemort From: C. Fudge Organization: Ministry of Magic Re: Robes Thank you for the information. Is it possible to pre-order "Mockeries of a Dark Lord"? Oh, and do you have a discount for government employees? - C. Fudge

* * *

To: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Heistress From: Poppy Pomfrey / School Nurse Re: Ron Weasley The boy has been sedated, poor soul. I'm leaving some wards abou t him now just as I nip down to the game. He should stay 'out' until at least la te this afternoon. I do hope your team knows their protective spells. Nasty business, naked quiddit ch! Poppy

* * *

To: Poppy Pomfrey / School Nurse From: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Heistress Re: Re: Ron Weasley And of course, you're only nipping down to the game 45 minut es before it starts for the welfare of the students. - Minnie

* * *

To: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Heistress From: Poppy Pomfrey / School Nurse Re: Re: Re: Ron Weasley But of COURSE I'm only going to ogle for the sake of the students. See you in a few! Poppy

* * *

To: Peter Pettigrew From: Lucius Malfoy Re: Re: Re: Our Master Crabbe is a blundering idiot. Now the Master is hell bent on being there to ensure that we chase the right balls. I've tried EVERYTHING to stop him. I've begged, I've pleaded, I've grovelled, I' ve even flattered him outrageously. Isn't there anything you can do, Wormtail? C an't you hex him or SOMETHING? So Very Un-Lucky

* * *

To: Rita Skeeter From: M. Stuart Organization: Witch Weekly, Inc. Re: NQM Attach: es1.tif (57 K) Rita, your es are attached. These will permit you and your photographer access to the game. We have been sent legal notice that a ny and all photos taken must be approved by the Gryffindor House Team, and the n egatives must be surrendered to Prof. Albus Dumbledore. Please don't infringe on the legalities. PLEASE. Or, they WILL have a valid laws uit against us. And keep your Quick-Quotes Quill to yourself! The utter bare fac ts, Rita. No pun intended. M. Stuart Editor in Chief Witch Weekly, Inc.

* * *

To: All Gryffindors From: Dean Thomas Re: Play Ball! Hope everyone's set for the game. I know our team is ready to bed azzle the school with what a Gryffindor is made of. Let's get down there, and sh ow our . Girls, do the boys a favor and try not to giggle. Boys, do the girls a favor and don't drool at the femmes of our team. Let's show the Slytherins that what's go ing on in the game has more to do with Snitches, Bludgers, and whatnot than with breasts and balls. - Dean

* * *

To: Dean Thomas From: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Heistress Re: Re: Play Ball! How utterly inspiring, Mr. Thomas. See me after the game. Minerva McGonagall Deputy Heistress

Chapter 9 Naked Quidditch Match: Game Time: "Welcome Hogwarts alumni, professors, peers, and exalted guests to the long-awai ted match between Gryffindor's amazing Quidditch team and Slytherin's abysmal-"JORDAN!" McGonagall bellowed. "Err... Slytherin's opposing team." Lee shot the professor a shrug. "As many of you are aware... at least, anyone literate, so I can't speak for the Slytherins- this match today will be absolutely unique. Due to the utter foolishness of th e Co-Captains of the Gryffindor team, the players in fourth form and upwards wil l be playing in the buff. Hence the packed crowd. I daresay, glancing over the c rowds around me, you're all either hankering for a look at our luscious lady-Cha sers or awaiting Harry Potter's masculine wonder." "JORDAN! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" "Professor... it's not like nearly everyone here HASN'T bought one of those cale

ndars..." Lee protested in an aside. "Stay focused on the game, Jordan. Not the uniforms." "Or lack thereof." Lee smirked. "Or lack thereof." McGonagall nodded, her face set in a severe disapproving frow n. "Stick to the facts, Jordan. Ungarnished. Advise of the security methods so t he fans don't panic at the sight of dragons." Lee rolled his eyes, but lifted his wand again. "Before the game commences, I wo uld like to advise all our viewers of some necessary security precautions. Occas ionally, you will see dragons flying high overhead. These are Dragonguards, not wild dragons that just happened to visit our field full of lush human bodies." "JORDAN..." "In addition, because of a suspected danger of You-Know-Who's forces attacking, we've done much to antagonize the ol' git into a full fit of incompetence. Most of you were encouraged to wear the Moldiemort robes, a fine line of product from Moldiemort Inc., a company headed by Harry Potter as CEO, and his lovely right hand Ginny Weasley, of the Weasley family, as his Executive President. This comp any is offering many wonderful items, with new material coming out in the upcomi ng days. Many of you already have "The Naked Quidditch" calendar, featuring the likes of Oliver Wood, our own former Gryffindor captain and team keeper, and Vic tor Krum, the sensational seeker from Bulgaria. The star attraction, however, is Harry Potter in all his natural glory! More of which you'll all have the privil ege to see today. And the boy is slick, ladies." "JORDAN! STOP PROMOTING... " Her voice trailed off as she searched for a tactful way to explain her demands. "Harry's assets?" Lee asked innocently. "Yes." She glared fiercely. Jordan coughed discretely, and once again raised his wand "In any case, the prom otional items and banners while they may entice you into purchasing are more to distract attention of any malevolent sort. Aurors are strategically placed aroun d the fields, stadium and school, and the charms in place are enough to knock an y nasty Dark Wizard right on his tail. In the event of an assault, please do not panic and allow the defensive wizards, dragons, and charms do their work." Out of the corner of his eyes, he watched McGonagall sigh in relief, and smirked to himself. It was just so fun goading their stern Deputy Heistress with the innuendo and side comments. "Now, before players take the field, the roster for today's game is as follows: For the Gryffindor team: Co-Captains, and Bludgers... err Beaters Fred and Georg e Weasley, the prats who got our beloved heroes in this mess..." "Jordan, I'm warning you..." McGonagall growled lowly, yet the entire stadium st ill heard her. "Chasers for Gryffindor are the lovely and talented Alicia Spinnet, Angelina Joh nson, and the unconquerable Katie Bell..." The cheers and whistles rocked the st adium. "New to the team, and welcome addition is third-year Alex Mercado as Keep er, who, due to the restrictions on the bet gets to guard the goals in his unifo rm." Laughter and applause sounded clearly, and in true style, the crescendo was

rising. "And, Seeker-extraordinaire, the man who has NEVER missed a Snitch the one..." The screams began, "The ONLY" and whistles, hoots and chants echoed, "HA RRY POTTER!" The roar of the stadium was deafening. Just to his side, he heard McGonagall's resigned sigh. Well, what commentator wo uld ignore the fact that not only was Harry a celebrity to the wizarding world, he was a Quidditch super-star in the making? Goodness, he had his own promotiona l merchandise to make him a very wealthy man before he left school. Lee paused long enough to let the cheers fade somewhat. "And, the Slytherin gits ..." "JORDAN!" Goodness, the woman had impeccable timing and volume. "Team," he amended hastily. "The Slytherin team is as follows: Captain and Chase r Marcus Flint." Music to his ears, short of the small contingent of Slytherins (past and present), most of the stadium roared with resounding 'boos.' "Chasers Denis Warrington, Christoph Montague. In the position of Beaters, though they're bloody Bludgers on their own, (Heh.) Iggy Bole and Gunter Derrick. Incompetent Keeper will mind the goals, and playing Seeker since he bought his way onto the team..." "JORDAN! STOP THAT RIGHT..." "Draco Malfoy and his shiny Nimbus 2001 collection, sported by all his lovely we ll-purchased team ..." "JORDAN, IF YOU DON'T STOP RIGHT THIS INSTANT!" "Sorry Professor, my house loyalty got in my way," he apologized adroitly. He gr inned cheekily. "Now, if we can have everyone stand, let's have it for the Hogwa rts School Song." With a great deal of chaotic noise, all attendees stood, their right arm crossin g their breast in a patriotic gesture that placed hand above heart. Then, and on ly then, did the greatest known tragedy of what it meant to be a wizard begin. The slaughter of music was profound. Caterwauling in the extreme, and Jordan, de spite his patriotic love of the game of Quidditch, his role of commentator and t he wizarding world he lived in, had to shudder. Fortunately, the murder of their beloved anthem ended quickly. "Right. Lovely fo lks... just lovely. Well, with all the preambles out of the way... let's play QU IDDITCH!" Again, the crowds roared their approval. Lee glanced down oors that led out to the pitch and absently wondered what ryffindor changing rooms. Oh, to be a fly on those walls. e extra compound eyes just to gaze wondrously at the team tily, wincing when McGonagall glared at him.

to the changing room d was happening in the G Especially with all th Chasers. He sighed lus

A flurry of action hit the field as the Slytherin team burst from their change r oom, their green and silver uniforms a sharp contrast to the blue sky and fluffy white clouds. "And, out first are the Slytherins... FLINT, WARRINGTON, MONTAGUE , BOLE, DERRICK, BLETCHLY and... MALFOY!" The cheering was more for the game about to start than anything else. Now, the c rowds gazed with avid fascination towards the area where the Gryffindor team wou ld emerge. The tension was palpable, the hunger just delicious.

Glancing around, Lee spotted Ginny Weasley and Hermione Granger sitting complace ntly in one of the best boxes of the stadium. They looked calm, very nonchalant and completely at ease with all that was happening around them. Well, if rumor w as true, Ginny had seen up close and personal the most prized package the school had to offer. She could afford to be blasé. But, Hermione? Well, perhaps she did h anker for Ron more than Harry, contrary to the pool in the tower. He'd have to c hange his bet. It couldn't have been more than seconds, but it felt like an eternity before the Gryffindor team burst from the sidelines... the sudden gasp of the crowd and th en insane screaming spoke volumes for what was happening. Keeper Alex Mercado, t ook to his position in his maroon and gold uniform, the wild grin on his face in finitely more evil than any Slytherin was capable of. "AND THE GRYFFINDOR TEAM... WEASLEY, WEASLEY, BELL, JOHNSON, SPINNET, MERCADO an d... POTTER!" Blue blurs shot past the commentator's booth and Lee had to wipe his eyes and st are again just to be sure he saw what he thought he'd seen. The idiots had done it. They'd actually gone and dyed themselves with woad. "And for those people ou t there who are ogling the fine specimens of Gryffindor flesh, the blue twits ar e the Weasley twins... I hope they realize that woad won't come out of their ski n for another month or so." The laughter was uproarious. There was a bit of a murmur about the girls, skirting around in their robes with their hair down and faces glowing. Some token protests echoed in the crowds, an d all it did was make the three chasers smile most bewitchingly. Wisely, Lee held onto the desk firmly. With a flick of their wrist, and in perfect time, the cloaks were tossed aside, drifting the ground like chiffon scarves on the wind. The girls sat cockily on t heir broomsticks in bras and little pleated skirts, with knee high boots gracing their long, long legs. "Oh dear," Lee mumbled. McGonagall just muttered to herself, one hand braced over her eyes as she shook her head. Poor woman seemed in pain. In a quick action, Katie, Alicia, and Angelina lost one boot... the three black boots falling in almost a prearranged pattern to the ground as they whipped by t he stands, giving the crowds quite the eyeful. The other boot nipped away second s later, then the skirts, leaving only string bikini bottoms and bras. "We should have done a pool on what male in the stadium wouldn't get a woody," L ee muttered to himself. "Damn..." The bras vanished next and the roar in the stadium, a masculine sound of pure te stosterone, was powerful. Then, the bikini bottoms and there was such a groan... "Oh dear," Lee squeaked. "Err... well... seems all is in order by rules for this match." He didn't notice the break in his voice. High above all the rigmarole sat Potter, shoulders back, his body poised proudly on display and looking like a virtual Adonis. If all the men in the stadium wer e gawking at the girls, then every female in the stadium was glued to Potter. He ll, just looking at the wizarding world's own adolescent hero, Lee had to it that if it weren't for the fact that he was firmly heterosexual, he would have b een tempted.

Interesting how Draco seemed to be sniffing about quite closely to Potter. "The teams are taking their positions, and it looks like the game is already in the b ag for the Gryffindors. The Slytherin Seeker can't seem to identify the differen ce between the Golden Snitch and Potter's..." "JORDAN!" McGonagall's screech was beyond simply outraged. "Err..." Jordan winced. Madam Hooch fortunately took this opportunity to signal both teams from the cent re of the field. Clearly, her voice amplified by charm, she opened the game in h er usual style. "I want a nice fair game, all of you," she insisted, glaring fie rcely at the Captains (and Co-Captains) of both teams. "The players assume position, in preparation for the release of the Quaffle." Le e was back to business. "Madam Hooch raises the whistle and... the Quaffle is re leased. Katie Bell, one of the best Chasers ever out of Gryffindor takes possess ion of the Quaffle, shifting her little arse a little for a bit of wiggle to dis tract the Slytherin Beater-boys most successfully." "JORDAN!" "Captain Marcus Flint cuts across to joust Bell for the Quaff... Spinnet to the rescue, and I bet Flint got an eyeful there. Katie es back to Angelina and.. . look at those breasts bounce!" "JORDAN!" McGonagall's voice reached upper octaves. "Did I say that aloud? Oops. Johnson takes possession of the Quaffle, es lon g back to Alicia and... Bletchly dives to intercept... SCORE! Ten points for Gry ffindor! Slytherin takes possession. Chaser Montague ducks one Bludger and dives to evade Spinnet. Speeding toward the goals, his own teammates Bole and Derrick keep aiming Bludgers to keep Gryffindor Chasersclear. Oh-ho... he shoots... Mer cado dives and blocks the score. Ten-nothing, Gryffindor!" "Johnson takes control of the Quaffle and... what the HELL?" McGonagall leapt to her feet, mouth gaping--but not in response to Jordan, rathe r at the sudden spectacle manifesting on the pitch. She disappeared in a flurry of robes. "Ladies and gentlemen, we have Death Eaters on the pitch!" It took a moment of s quinting, but Lee eventually managed to establish details of what was happening below. And, appropriately, refocused on his priorities. "The teams are continuin g to play... Warrington has the Quaffle, swerves to evade Johnson and-- OUCH. Be ll takes possession. Tosses to Spinnet who ducks under the Bludger with a brilli ant dive. Comes right on Bole... who should have jigged instead of jagged. That Bludger to the ribs has got to smart." It was at this point that the Death Eaters seemed to figure out what they were d oing. Concurrently, Jordan noticed, the Moldiemort board above the pitch lit up with some new adverts for Potter's latest project. "KILL HIM! KILL HIM!" A black-robed Death Eater jumped up and down hysterically. "I WANT POTTER DEAD! " Lee grinned. "Ladies and gents! What a rare treat! For those of you doubting the return You-Know-Who, please take note of the jumping-bean lunatic on the field. "

Truly, for the Dark Lord, he was a pathetic sight. All pearly skin, his eyes sli ts and nose mere slits... the resemblance to something serpentine was profound. The foam at the corners of the mouth, though... "Ah, I see Lucius Malfoy and Vincent Goyle, Sr. are in attendance with their mas ter," Lee chortled as Voldemort's histrionics resulted in removing the masks and hoods off his two followers. "KILL HIM! KILL HIM! KILL HIM!" A sudden flurry of activity above caught the attention of all in the stadium, in cluding the Death Eaters. It was as if Harry Potter had deigned to give Voldemor t a shot at his greatest wish. Swooping in a spectacular dive, and evading hexes tossed at him by the Death Eaters, he dropped straight for Voldemort's position . "KILL HIM! KILL HIM! KILL HIM!" "Potter's apparently lost his mind." Jordan leaned forward, puzzled. The game ar ound them continued, with lively distraction on the part of the players as a res ult of Potter's sudden action. "And I..." Harry was within a meter of the Dark Lord when his hand lifted off the broom and shot out towards Voldemort. All the spectators that could see Harry's face watc hed him speak a brief few words to the Dark Lord, and then in a sweeping , h is hand nipped into Voldemort's hood and extracted quickly the Golden Snitch in his grip. "One hundred and fifty points to Gryffindor! The cheek of Potter! His eye was fi rmly on the Snitch there, folks, and the game is concluded. One hundred and seve nty points for Gryffindor, the victors!" Lee paused. "Hot damn! That may be one of the shortest games in Quidditch history!"

Chapter 10 Your Daily Snitch by RITA SKEETER photos by A. KINETIC The Daily Prophet HOGWARTS-- Despite the forced forecast of sunny skies and mild temperature about the Hogwarts Quidditch pitch today, there was a definite storm of rampant hormo nes and burning excitement. The event causing the ruckus â the now infamous "Naked Quidditch Match"-- or more co mmonly, the house game between Gryffindor and Slytherin. Of course, contrary to initial speculation, only the Gryffindor house was in the buff, due to the fooli sh gambling of Co-Captains Fred and George Weasley. Neither of which Weasley boy presently enjoys much popularity with their teammates, rumor has it. "We didn't think we could lose, either way!" the blue-skinned duo chimed cheekil

y to this reporter, once they were properly robed after the game, but still quit e Smurf-blue having dyed themselves in true Celtic fashion prior to the game. The stands for today's game were packed beyond capacity. Heaster Albus Dumble dore was forced to cast reinforcing spells on the structures prior to the game, and did make a remark on how this was possibly a historic first for Hogwarts in of attendance. In an understanding display of good sportsmanship and depraved hormones, the Sly therin team appeared from the Changing rooms first, clad in their trademark gree n and silver uniforms. They made a quick sweep around the field, and then took t heir positions-- like the rest of the fans-- to watch hungrily for the Gryffindo r team. The of the team honored the of the bet and were dutifully unclad. For the most part. The three Chasers for the Gryffindor team, Angelina Johnson, Alicia Spinnet, and Katie Bell, appeared fully robed â and then did the most provoca tive and alluring strip-tease to be seen on the British Isles since Morgana Le F ay seduced Arthur Penvarion in full court. It had the males of the school (those not committed to ogling Harry Potter's significant assets) spellbound. And, the pride and glory of the Gryffindor team, their renowned Seeker Harry Pot ter (The Boy Who Lived) took to the field like a god. More than one student comm ented on his poise, his grace, and his use of his God-given equipment. At age 17 , Potter has most definitely earned his place in Witch Weekly as the Wizarding W orld's most desired bachelor. In spite the bawdy conditions on today's game, and the few hiccups that interrup ted the play (A minor Death Eater attack was circumvented. He-Who-Should-Not-BeNamed had a small hysterical fit and tantrum in the middle of the stadium pitch, it was perhaps the most professionally played game this reporter has ever seen. "Potter's accuracy at finding and securing the Snitch is amazing. There's no pla ce he won't fly to, no maneuver he won't make. He's tops on a broom!" praised Ol iver Wood, a former alumnus of the school and Keeper for Puddlemere United. Once the Captain of the Gryffindor team, Wood has once again teamed with Potter for the much-anticipated Naked Quidditch Calendar. Released just this morning, the E xecutive President of Potter Enterprises Worldwide, Ginevra Weasley, announced t hat sales were at 98, and that another 25,000 units have been authorized for pro duction to meet the burgeoning demand of the public. "It's a smash!" reported Ms. Weasley. "And we're delighted to make such an amazi ng contribution to St. Mungo's Victims Unit. Already we've committed 375 thousan d Galleons to charity!" The calendar, however, is just the forerunner to many good things coming from Po tter Enterprises. Founded by Potter and Weasley, this business has shown in the few short weeks since incorporation to have the market in its grasp, and a keen sense of humor, wit and appeal. The Moldiemort Robes (TM) were the ONLY garments to be seen at the game. In all sorts of sizes, the shimmer stood clear and domi nant. "They were designed to empower witches and wizards. To give us all a sense that what we fear can be and should be mocked. Fear is not something to run fro m, but to face, overcome and become stronger for doing so," Ginevra Weasley info rmed us at the press meeting. This sentiment was reinforced by Professor Dumbledore, a longstanding proponent for not backing down against the Dark Wizards of the world. And indeed, with You-Know-Who jumping up and down and howling in a clear fit, it seems hard to be afraid of this clearly deformed and unstable man. The Ministry

officials in attendance wasted no time in seizing Death Eaters Lucius Malfoy, A very MacNair, and Vincent Goyle, who were trying to pick up their fallen master and escape. As attacks go, it was a laughingstock-- and one which Potter made in to a bigger humiliation by plucking the Snitch out from the hood of Voldemort's robe whilst a "verse" from the Mockeries of a Dark Lord flashed across the Wiztronic above the commentator's booth. It was one of the most dramatic and powerful games of Quidditch history, and als o one of the shortest. "Not even ten minutes," bemoaned Fred Weasley. "We knew H arry wasn't happy about having his bits scattered across all the papers, but rea lly!" Added his twin, George, "He could have held out for at least a half hour!" End of the Naked Quidditch Match Happy Snitches!