Simply Me 2t115f

Simply Me

Aspen Dawn

Copyright © 2021 Aspen Dawn All rights reserved First Edition Fulton Books, Inc. Meadville, PA Published by Fulton Books 2021 ISBN 978-1-63860-397-9 (paperback) ISBN 978-1-63860-398-6 (digital) Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

A Mother’s Love Pray Unknown God Is Here A Moment Give It to God My Belongings It Will All Be Okay Quiet Beauty A Boy Hard Nights Paper and Pen My Best Friend Monster Mother’s Worst Blank Guilt Miserable

Lord Is in Control Love Him My Sister Sweet Dreams When You Are at Your Worst Question Dishonorable Sorry Damaged Goods Love Daddy Come Home Regret Pain Granny Hurt Dreams Forgiveness Grandpa Be Gone Love Me Believer

We Will See Not Alone Imagination Me Sight You Will Be Okay Promise Different Me Help My Family Betty Lies

A Mother’s Love

A mother’s love comes in so many ways It does not stop even when you move away What a child might not know is every single night A mother will pray To keep them protected Safe and warm and away from all harm A mother’s love is not just warm food and clothes or Kissing a boo-boo when wrecking your bike Or a blanket on a cold night It is not just a hug good night or holding you when you cry A mother’s love is an amazing thing ’Cause no matter what happens she will always care She will always cry, and her heart will ache When you are in pain. A mother’s love is so strong you see That no matter your age Or what you become A mother will be proud

To call you her own.

Pray

Some days I need to To put my hands together, kneel, and pray Instead of throwing my hands in the air And walking away!

Unknown

Life is full of the unknown Which is the hardest thing, I believe You are supposed to give it to God Then move on But it is not that easy for me My life is now in an unknown place And it is scaring me So I beg you lord to take the reigns Ease my thoughts as we go Give me peace, comfort too, and forgive me As I will question you It is not that I don’t trust you, Lord Because I really do But I am still human And my thoughts they will run And Lord I am terrified of the place Called the unknown

God Is Here

God will supply me with whatever I need When I start to get frustrated And unsure of things I must take a breath and listen close Because God will provide me With what I need most

A Moment

Sometimes in life, I just need to be alone I ain’t upset I just need a moment Not a day Not a week Just a moment of peace A moment to pray to God For guidance and patience or whatever I may need A moment to relax and let things be So do not take it Personally, it is not about you It is about a moment I need between God and me

Give It to God

I am scared, I am worried Give it to God they say to me And I pray And I pray I still have the knots and the thoughts Please Lord take it away I am human my heart hurts My tears still fall My tummy twists up and My mind wanders off I give it to God I trust in him My eyes get heavy I can finally sleep Thank you, God For loving me

My Belongings

My life is not full of glamorous things My closet is full of cheaply bought clothes And my household items were mostly used and old, But I am still happy as can be How I see it is My belongings do not make me, me I have no conversations with this chair of mine And my clothes are not what makes my heart Feel warm inside The ones that I love and absolutely adore Makes my life as perfect as can be So Thank you, God, for giving them to me

It Will All Be Okay

I was upset Nothing was right I had a pity me party last night Why does it seem Nothing goes right Why do they treat me not so nice? questions rolling in my head And it made me madder As I stewed on them I woke up today Agitated and started to vent To a lady friend of mine This is what she said You cussed quite a bit I was angry I said looking at her She smiled big and said to me Did it help solve your problems? Or are you still mad as can be?

She got me thinking of all the Negative words she was right I was Doing it all wrong so I bowed my head and silently prayed for God to take my worries away And he whispered It will all be okay

Quiet

The quiet is a peaceful thing Until it is time to sleep Not a noise, not a peep Then my thoughts start to creep into my head It is too quiet I can hear myself think The what-ifs pop in and what do I do arrive And all the sudden I hear a creek What was that? Is someone here? No, it is just the cat lay down and sleep It is quiet, my thoughts start to creep in Tomorrow my agenda is or the weather is bad Should I check on the kids I cannot sleep so I turn on my fan To drown out the noise that is in my head Because the quiet Is not always a peaceful place

Beauty

I am thankful for the cold and snow The wintery mix that covered our ground It is beautiful If you would stop and look around The complaints are an everyday thing Oh, how I cannot wait for a warmer day But that day will come and oh geez it is hot Will be said a lot I wish it would all stop The world is full of such negative thoughts That even the beauty seems to be forgot Stop and smell the roses, look at the sky Or how the sunlight glistens on the ice Just look at the beautiful sights It is music to the ears To hear a positive thought So stop a minute Look around

Then tell someone Of the beauty you found!

A Boy

I lay here thinking about a boy A boy who is being so strong on the outside For the ones he loves Knowing his heart is broken and he is crushed Knowing if I try to hug him or tell him it is okay to cry He will be upset because he is a man, and they do not do such So I stay back and let him react in his own way So that leaves me laying her with him on my mind Praying to God the boy will be fine But if he is not and He needs a break from being a man A momma has a hug waiting on him!

Hard Nights

Sometimes nights are The hardest thing When it is dark and quiet And you start to think About all the things You cannot change

Paper and Pen My Best Friend

Listen to my story I am begging you It is building up inside Making me want to scream and cry Listen to my story I need to let it out It seems the people all around me Are turning their backs on me Crying and screaming I need your help Pretty please I am begging you to listen to me Yet not one cared What I had to say Leaving me alone and broken On that miserable day And then Something happened That turned my life around I found A paper and pen

And wrote my feelings down I learned to trust my paper and pen With every emotion I had My paper and pen My best friend That saved my life that day

Monster

You need to sleep They say to me Wish I could But my fears kick in I fear my dreams haunting me My nights are so scary I lay in the dark not shutting my eyes the fear of a vision I may have to watch Will it be pleasant? Sometimes they are But I never know until I shut my eyes And finally see If the monster arrives

Mother’s Worst

I thought you were gone and the alcohol won When I saw you lying there? Not moving an inch Barely, a breath Foaming from your mouth All I could do was cry as I watched Your life flash through my eyes I prayed it was not the end They hooked you up to all these machines Gave you medicine They stabbed you with needles They pinched you real hard They punched your chest And nothing, not a sound, not a move Just my lifeless son is all I saw The doctor said, “He will not make it If we cannot get him awake His alcohol level is higher than I’ve ever seen before” That is when my heart hit the floor I prayed and prayed for you to be ok

I was not ready to lose my son You opened your eyes “Thank you, Lord” is all I could say What a relief you were okay We took you home but then you left My heart hit the floor Because it was that moment I realized what I tried to deny before The reality is the alcohol won It has total control over my precious son

Blank

When your head is full Of so many thoughts but you cannot seem To work it all out You sit You think You ponder but You seem blank Where do you start Your mind seems cluttered as you are sitting in the dark Feeling overwhelmed Yet you are blank Not a thought to think

Guilt

I was twelve and Hurt in one way He touched me places I cannot say He made me feel dirty Kinda like a slut He paid me five dollars And told me to keep My mouth shut But I went home and told mom and dad All they did was just get mad They didn’t do anything To this monstrous man So now he will hurt some little girl again

Miserable

I am trying to be positive Got the tree up With beautiful lights Making Christmas presents From morning to night I set the TV for holiday shows To remind me of Christmas and The joy it brings me My heart seems full but then suddenly My head starts in The memories take control The knots the pain The horror film running in my brain Yanking the positive out of my life Leaving me feeling sick inside

Lord Is in Control

Lord take my worry My heart is hurting Because I am scaring myself I am thinking of the worst Instead of the best And it is making me such a mess Teach me how to give it to you And truly let it go I know I need to believe that Lord you are in control

Love Him

How can you break him? How is it okay To not show him love To push him away? How can you break him? What did he do? You chose him You wanted him Yet you break him in two! You were his first sight The first to hold him tight The first to hold his hand Or sing him a lullaby And it is you breaking him Pushing him aside Not showing him affection The love that he needs Leaving him alone

As he searches this world For his mother to love His mother to hug And his mother to be proud Of the young man he has become Yet all he can find is A mother who runs Or speaks to him With a sharp tongue Breaking his heart Breaking his soul Breaking the boy You should call your own. I do not understand How you treat him This way I do not understand Because a mother’s love Should never fade away! His mother you are not As far as I can see

So I am begging you To leave him be and Let him find me Because a loving mother Is what I will be!

My Sister

Lord I want another Miracle please Is that selfish of me? She is my sister I do not want to let her go You gave us a miracle One year ago Can our family have two? I am begging you Lord keep her alive Because I am truly not ready To tell my sister goodbye

Sweet Dreams

When I close my eyes You appear My heart races I feel it is real I want to scream Run away Yet my body is frozen I cannot move I hear my heartbeat The closer you near Screaming yet not making a sound I want to wake Just open my eyes Fighting so hard My stomach is sick It is hard to breath I need out of here I am trying my hardest

I am stuck You reach your hand out It is scaring me My eyes bolt open I take a deep breath I am trembling with fear Because the sweet dreams I was meant to have Was another horrible nightmare!

When You Are at Your Worst

When you are at your worst The pain seems endless The tones The comments The looks the stares When you are at your worst The pain seems everywhere. When you are at your worst The little things are big The big things huge When you are at your worst The pain is true When you are at your worst You want to be done because When you are at your worst Your demons have won

Question

You’re always told There is no stupid question Yet we often don’t ask what we want to know Because when it is time to ask the question Fear sets in and Your mind starts to race What if they make fun of me for this unknown thing? Sometimes the answer Is harder to reach. Do you really want to know the truth you seek? You ask it in your head a Hundred times before but Your heart races and your chest gets tight When the person with the answer is right in sight. Why is it such a challenge to it you do not know to seek the truth of the unknown?

Dishonorable

I wanna scream I wanna run and hide Until this pain subsides I want the knots to unravel That are tied up inside I wanna feel numb I hate this pain I do not understand Why I let it affect me this way I do not understand Because your death should Mean nothing to me But You were honored for the life You lived. Hiding the true Monstrous man. Did you do good for all them years Or did you abuse the little girls near? Did you deserve the service you had?

Had you changed your ways and stop the abuse? I have knots tied up and It is making me sick. How dare you be honored When laid down to rest. I do not understand but trying my best. I have forgiven you for hurting me But honored for your good deeds? I cannot seem to wrap my head around that. I pray the other victims you hurt Did not see the article they wrote! I pray if they did, they Do not feel like me A broken mess Because it makes no sense! Why a Navy veteran They showed respect to. When so many girl’s lives were hurt by you?

Sorry

Have you ever said words You regret saying Instantly say sorry And expect forgiveness Forgive you so fast For that hurtful saying That you regret saying But do you regret thinking? It crossed your mind for At least a moment in time I wonder if you are sorry That it crossed your mind Or just sorry for the Pain it caused When the tears fell For saying what you Were thinking The truth about

How you were feeling

Damaged Goods

I lay awake wondering If a man deserves me A man like you can do So much better Can’t you see I don’t have fancy nothings No interesting tales Just a lot of love And a horrid past That haunts me still Is it fair to give The little I have Making you want more Knowing in my heart You can do better You could really soar Is it selfish of me To want you

And try to make this work Knowing in my heart I am damaged Nothing but damaged goods

Love

When you love Tears you will shed Your eyes will weep But have no regrets For if you love You experience life Without love All you have is a weeping heart Dying inside If love is never experienced then You will never see How beautiful God intended life to be

Daddy Come Home

I have a broken heart That no one else can mend Because this broken heart Belongs to him and Only him If he never comes back This broken heart Will stay But I would give The world For it to go away!

Regret

Why did God Make me like I am I think with my heart Instead of my head I would rather be Miserable Then hurt the ones I love Hiding regret For things I never done

Pain

I need to be alone To think things though I need to be away from you I need to clear my head So my thoughts are true Before they are said I feel under pressure To forgive all things When I know time will Heal all this pain I need to be left alone And someday you will see That someday I will love me

Granny

I hate nights like tonight I want to call you and Just freaking cry I need you to tell me It will be alright I need to just hear Your voice sometime Impossible I know And reality really blows And tonight, I will lay here Wishing heaven had a phone

Hurt

People hurt me All the time I lose sleep for their stupid crimes I have nightmares of my stupid past He touched me, he hurt me, he stole from me, he haunts me He left me, he don’t love me What a shame he hurt me. I am not first never will be. I am alone scared to death. Wondering which man will haunt me next. I love him he loves me He hurt me he hates me I am nothing. I hate this I loved him he loves her not me I hate this he hurt me I just want to leave I scream, I cry, I pray to the Lord up above

Will there ever be a man that hurts me not so much.

Dreams

You fill my thoughts Late at night Making me scared to close my eyes What will I see in my dreams tonight? Will I cry on my pillow And feel sick inside? Will I scream for help? There is no place to hide. Will I wake up fighting the air tonight Fighting to keep you away for life Will I curl up in a ball and cry in pain Or will I lay here and wonder If my dreams will ever change?

Forgiveness

We are supposed to be forgiving That is what I was told And have been taught for years To forgive and let it go I lay in bed night after night Fighting sleep like a child at bedtime I am scared of my dreams What will I see, Will it be him haunting me? He got pleasure out of hurting me And I live in misery Heavenly Father I pray to Forgive me for I have sinned How do I forgive this monstrous man? He took so much when I was so small I hate him Lord is that wrong? Lord forgive me I beg of you

Because forgiving him I may never do

Grandpa

Today is a day that just went by Nothing exciting Nothing made me cry I just went through the day With one thing on my mind. Him. Why do I dwell on sorrow so much Why can’t I get past the hurtful stuff Why do they clutter my head So my smile I wear Is really tears I shed No one knows the pain inside I hide behind this Smile of mine I try to stay strong And do carry on But I miss him I do I wish I could call And say I thought of you On this certain day

It was just a day Nothing exciting happened Nothing made me cry The only thing about it Is I can’t get you off my mind.

Be Gone

I was eleven When he told me to go He didn’t love me no more He hated me so Pack your bags Get out of my sight I hate you Leave my life Crying and sobbing At eleven years old I packed my bags And knocked upon my Grandparents’ door When it opened they asked what’s wrong? And All I could say was Daddy told me to be gone

Love Me

You were supposed to Protect me not hit me You were supposed to Hold me not throw me You were supposed to Make me smile not make me cry in pain You were supposed to Be there for me not leave me in the rain You were supposed to Love me not hate me It was not my fault I was your baby

Believer

My life has been perfect No matter what it seems Because every event Good or bad God intended for me I will never say I hate it or wished it went this way For then I may not be Who I am today A person with a heart and a lot of love to share But Mostly I am a believer God wants me here

We Will See

Have you ever felt Like you do not belong All these people around Yet You are completely alone How do you fix it? What do you do? Is it fixable? Will it ever change? My answer is scary To a person like me Because my answer is I guess we will wait and see

Not Alone

I am not alone No matter what it seems I have six children standing Next to me And Gods arms are wrapped Around me holding me tight I am not alone And I will win this fight

Imagination

Can’t sleep, just lying here, thinking About my life and what it seems I lead a boring life but happy as can be But I daydream of many things unseen by me Like what does the ocean feel like upon your skin What about the beautiful waterfalls in the far-off lands? When the sunlight hits them just so-so Do you really see a rainbow? And the noise, is it peaceful? What about wildflowers with Vibrant colors to show Do they smell as pretty As the colors so bold? What about the beautiful sky Is everyone blessed as I With an amazing sunset and sunrise? My life may be boring Yet my imagination is not

And even if it is a story that brings it to life I am grateful for this imagination of mine!

Me

I hate who I am No one gets me I try to explain Yet nothing I wish I were normal like everyone else Have confidence, courage, and self-respect too I hate me always have Sometimes I wish I were dead I would not hurt anyone If that were the case I would be gone And the world A happier place!

Sight

My head hurts My eyes play Tricks on me I have been to many doctors too Figure out why But they all say you are fine My eyes hurt My vision less and less I go to the eye doctor He says, “We need to run some tests” One week later my telephone rings You need to see the doctor in two weeks I asked why, and the lady said “You have a brain tumor I cannot say more” She hung up the phone My mind starts to race Am I dying? I think

Fear sets in, I start to shake And I have two weeks to wait I look at my life and realized I need to change I have lived in my past Dwelling on the hurt Missing out on so many current things Be more positive, open my heart, and let God in I really need faith in him! Two weeks later I hear the news It is not cancer Praise the lord But if we remove it you will see no more Radiation will slow the growth So that is my treatment slowing the growth. I look at my tumor as a blessing in disguise I changed to see the positive sights I am doing better than ever before But I hold fear in my heart Fear of the day I cannot see The day I go blind silently haunts me

You Will Be Okay

Do you feel alone Like no one is there Yet you see many people standing near You are scared to say what is on your mind Because someone broke Your trust or made you feel unworthy to us It is so hard to walk this world Broken and alone But I promise you are not the only one So I am begging you to Take a deep breath and let it out slow Then walk up to someone standing near And ask them for their ear.

Promise

Go check on your dad I rush over Calling out for you Your limp body dangling off the bed Vomit all over I call for help I set by your side Holding your head With ice-cold sweat dripping from my hand I didn’t understand maybe you were dead And I just didn’t know I said I was sorry, Dad, was how I felt. I am sorry I never gave you a chance I am sorry for not being the best daughter around I am sorry I whispered Then they took you away My siblings showed up

And I slipped away I went to your house and started to clean I cleaned up the sickness all through the house I scrubbed and scrubbed washed up your sheets As the tears poured down my cheeks I prayed to God to let you live I promised him I would give This daughter thing a 100 percent Staying by your side my sister and I Until you were well When It was time to go back to my life It scared me What if it goes back to how it used to be I made a promise that I will keep I call you daily Building a relationship Even though it was a sickness And I was almost too late I am thankful for this time we have But mostly thankful that God trusted me

With my 100 percent promise I intend to keep Thank you, Dad, for loving me!

Different Me

Do you ever feel people don’t like you Except for your family Like maybe you were a rebellion teen And even though you changed As you grew They still don’t get to know you Or maybe you were hurt by someone Who made you pull away from your friends And then you became an enemy Because trusting is so hard to do Or what if you are just pretty shy And it is hard for you to speak So you hide in the corner hoping You are not seen And then reality hits you in your little life Because you are alone on nights Wishing you had a friend to sit and talk to But because something you do or have done

People chose to leave you alone And all you want is a friend just one friend In your life to call your own

Help My Family

My thoughts are scaring me My health is no good This may kill you They say in my ears We will do our best to save you But no guarantees I am not ready to leave this world But I am not scared of dying I still want to teach my family Of the most important thing In life because I failed when it was time I chose when I was younger To deny the Lord Teaching my family He was a choice But as I got older and I realized God is not a choice that is a lie He is who helped me

Change my life God is a must And I need to teach my family This before I leave this world They are older and set in their ways So it will be harder for me to prove Today So I need more time to walk this Earth Teaching my family To have faith But if it is my time to go And I failed my family I will beg God to help Me I will ask him to do the job He granted to me I just failed it you see So I need him to help me Help my family believe

Betty

I am so mad at you I wish you weren’t dead So I could confront you I have a lot that needs to be said I knew in my heart you stayed with him Allowing him to touch your children Not only did you allow your children to be hurt You allowed your family and friends To leave their girls behind As you welcomed them inside Then out the door, you would go Knowing what he would do You still shut the door walking away It is like you were bringing him prey You left them alone With the monster inside Allowing him to traumatize them for life I want to see you punished

Because I do not understand Why you help him But if you were alive at this moment in time I could see the embarrassment, pain, and shame Cross over your face When everyone you knew, trusted, and loved Found out the truth Learning of the monster that lived inside of you.

Lies

You lied to me You said he was gone He ran away And you ruined his name That is the lie you said to my face The truth came out thirty years too late The truth is he hurt more girls than I And that is something you can no longer deny You did not believe in me I begged of you to turn it in Send him away So none else felt this pain Later you would say You did what was best I don’t understand I am an emotional mess Why wasn’t I worthy Why didn’t you protect

Other children from this monstrous man Did you even confront him or throw the hush money away Or did you lie about that at the end of the day Learning you lied Broke me into And made me so angry with you I want to scream and push you away I want to be sick I am your child for god sake! You hid the truth and walked away You did nothing to help put him away So why shouldn’t you take some of the blame? He itted to hurting me And still nothing So your reasoning makes no sense to me You say you did what you thought was best But all you did Was lie and lay it to rest!

About the Author

Aspen Dawn started writing when she was twelve. At the time she had never heard of writing therapy, but as she got older she learned she used writing for therapy. Every poem she writes is how she felt the moment she wrote it. Her poems are full of raw emotions—some sad, some full of anger, and some are just random thoughts she had while sitting alone. She decided to share her poetry in hopes her words will help others have hope that life will be okay or help someone feel not so alone. She will never stop writing. Writing saved her life.