More Than This 2nu9

MORE THAN This

A.C. STRATFORD

Copyright © 2019 by A.C. Stratford.

Library of Congress Control Number: 2019913072 ISBN: Hardcover 978-1-7960-5678-5 Softcover 978-1-7960-5677-8 eBook 978-1-7960-5676-1

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only. Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Rev. date: 11/18/2019

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Contents

Dedication Acknowledgments

1 - Whitechapel, London, England February 2012 2 - Silver Spring, Maryland, March 2012 3 - Chelsea District, New York, New York July 2012 4 - Potomac/Silver Spring, Maryland 2012 5 - Silver Spring, Maryland November 2012 6 - Bethesda, Maryland February 2013 7 - Silver Spring, Maryland – Boston, Massachusetts February 2013 8 - Boston, Massachusetts January 2013 9 - New York, New York February 2013 10 - Silver Spring, Maryland February 2013 11 - Walter Reed National Military Medical Center Bethesda, Maryland February 2013 12 - New York, New York February 2013 13 - Walter Reed Medical Center Bethesda Maryland March 2013 14 - Potomac/Silver Spring, Maryland March 2013

15 - London, England March 2013 16 - Boston, Massachusetts April 2013 17 - Providence, Rhode Island Boston Massachusetts April 2013 18 - Bethesda, Maryland July 2013 19 - Bethesda Maryland July 2013 20 - Anacostia District, Washington D.C. July 2013 21 - Hollywood, California January 2014 22 - New York, New York February 2014 23 - Washington D.C. March 2014 24 - Washington D.C. April 2014 25 - Bethesda, Maryland August 2014 26 - Manhattan, New York October 2014 27 - Blue Ridge Mountains, Virginia October 2014 28 - New York, New York – Bethesda, Maryland October 2014 29 - Silver Spring, Maryland October 2014 30 - Silver Spring, Maryland November 2014 31 - New York, New York November 2014 32 - Bethesda. Maryland November 2014

Dedication

For my wonderful friend Phillippa. I appreciate how we could talk about these guys like they were real. Your questions about their motivations, opinions, backgrounds, and what they were doing now, helped inspire me to not only write more, but expand my thoughts on their lives. I wonder what you were going to tell me about this one. Maybe I’ll find your notes. I will miss you and our conversations. I hope there are lots of cats and books where you are now.

Acknowledgments

So many friends have helped me with all of these books. But one friend really got me to reevaluate this book’s story and got me to explore areas I didn’t think I was ready to explore. Thank you, Steven. I needed a push and you did it respectfully and with . I do need to thank my friend Joel for our conversation about having children and being a gay dad. Thanks for your openness and willingness to answer my questions. To Loni and Steve for always reading my drafts, helping me edit and being open to read things more than once. To my writing partner, Goat. Always helpful even late at night.

1

Whitechapel, London, England February 2012

The cold, rainy weather of a London winter meant that some days were the perfect day to stay inside and keep warm with your loved ones. The flat was warm and homey, even if the weather was cold and dreary. The smell of pancakes and syrup started to fill the space. It didn’t take long before the scent reached their bedroom and the two noses still under the covers. A hint of earl gray tea also meandered down the hall, just enough to wake the sleeping. As warm as the bed was, the breakfast and company in the kitchen was more appealing. Preparing Sunday breakfast was one of Sergio del Mundo’s favorite ways to spend his time. Getting up before his partner, Akemi Hashi, he had the music on low while cutting fruit very quietly after making the pancake mix. A year and a half had gone by since the car accident that almost killed him. That almost killed him and Akemi, yet Sergio’s physical injuries were much more severe. The extent of damage to the left side of his body was extreme and nearly kept him from ever walking again. His left hand was crushed and was still a source of pain and frustration. Over time, the feeling in his left leg had nearly returned completely and Sergio was getting around much better. His assistance dog, Gracie, had decided to stay in bed where it was warm and cozy. Gracie knew he’d be okay in the kitchen without her these days, so thought it was acceptable to sleep in. Plus, Akemi had his arm wrapped around her when Sergio sneaked out of bed. Cooking quietly in the kitchen with his family asleep in the bedroom, he thought about what to do the rest of day and the decisions that lie ahead. There were a lot of thoughts floating around in his mind. Talking about it was different than thinking about it. A lick on the nose was the nudge Akemi needed to get up. “Morning lady. Do you smell that too?” Another lick from Gracie with a paw on the shoulder this time. “Do you want to get up now?”

Two kisses and quiet ‘woof’ meant yes. “Okay, let’s go.” Grabbing his robe on the way out of their room, Gracie ran ahead to hopefully clean up the floor a little before Akemi came in. There was bound to be something that fell for her to eat and, lately, Sergio wasn’t one to pick stuff up right away. “Morning. Hungry?” Sergio was cooking in his pajama pants and robe. No shirt underneath and the robe hung open just enough to see that he was getting his sixpack back. Swimming had become his new sport of choice, since not dealing with gravity was helpful. Though, having scars on his back from multiple surgeries exposed was difficult and took time before he could swim without a suit that covered his torso. To work on his balance, his physical therapist, James, had prescribed yoga classes. They would go together to make sure Sergio would go at all since he didn’t believe it counted as exercise. That was until the first class that kicked his butt. Learning to live within his limitations was more difficult than the poses. With the strength in his left hand weakened, he had to learn not to push. It was a lot of hard work, with a lot of success and some setbacks. He was getting stronger every day and starting to feel more like himself. The scars on his hand and forearm were slightly less visible, even if he didn’t have the grip he had before. That left one still cramped up sometimes, which kept him from going back to work as a surgeon. Though, he wasn’t sure he could do that again mentally. He had to find something. “Yeah, but I’ll settle for pancakes first.” Akemi reached his arms around Sergio’s waist, sliding one hand down the front. His fingers wrapping around Sergio’s cock, leading to a deep sigh as Sergio leaned back against Akemi’s chest. Kissing Sergio’s neck, he rested his chin on Sergio’s shoulder. “What got you up so early? I’d think you’d be tired from last night.” They were both tired from last night for very good reasons. They had returned about mid-day from a weekend in Paris where they visited with Sergio’s brother and his family. The kids were getting bigger and were now at an age where they talked to Sergio and Akemi about school and life’s problems for 8 and 10-year olds. It was a good opportunity for them both to practice their French and spend time with family. The relationship Francois and Sergio now had was stronger and more ive than it had been. They shared stories about their personal lives and their relationships. It was comforting for Sergio to know that his brother and his wife had struggled in their marriage too. The trip was a nice re-

connection with family. Saying good-bye was harder than it had been in years past, but they had things to get back to in London. Once back in London, they did some grocery shopping and then headed home to celebrate Valentine’s Day. After getting take away at their favorite Indian restaurant, they enjoyed a late lunch on their living room floor in front of the fireplace. The late lunch ended with them spending the rest of the day naked, wrapped around each other for hours. A few breaks for snacks here and there, but their bodies were never far from each other. Getting their sex life back on track was a big step for them. The trust they had lost was reforming in a slightly different way. Akemi was more open to trying things they hadn’t tried in a while as long as Sergio was honest about how things really felt. No hiding pain that was injury related, physical or mental. Things were better between them, but still a struggle at times since neither of them were very open about their feelings. Talking wasn’t their strong suit. “I wanted to cook for you today. Have a seat while I finish.” Sergio twisted enough to kiss Akemi before flipping the pancake onto a plate. “Though, I kinda like your hand where it is.” “My hand likes where it is too.” Slowly pulling his hand out of Sergio’s pants, Akemi’s fingers lingered as they glided across his skin. His touch led to Sergio’s eyes closing and he leaned in for another kiss. Once there was no pancake on the pan, they could kiss for an extended period of time. Both robes fell to the floor allowing their skin could touch. Their hands spread out across each other’s backs, bringing their bodies closer together. No longer afraid of bringing attention to Sergio’s scars, Akemi’s fingers ran up his back to his neck where he could run them through Sergio’s long, silky, black hair. “I would like this to continue, but I don’t want these to get cold. Let’s pick this up after, yeah?” Although difficult to stop, Sergio had worked hard to make a perfect breakfast. The tea was ready, the pancakes were done, and the syrup was warm. It was time to eat. Once their plates were empty, their hands would be free to do whatever they pleased. “I guess so. It does smell delicious.” Akemi walked over to their kitchen table where there were two plates set out. “Do you want breakfast too Gracie?” He grabbed her food from the cabinet and filled her bowl so she could eat with them.

“Would you like some fruit with your pancakes sir?” Sergio had a blueberry, dripping with syrup, in between his fingers. “Yes please.” Opening his mouth with a smile, Akemi’s eyebrows moved up implying his mouth was open for much more. “Here you go love.” Reaching across the table, the blueberry was placed lightly on Akemi’s tongue. That tongue was also able to grab one of the two fingers that gracefully gave him the blueberry. Choosing Sergio’s index finger as the lucky one, Akemi’s tongue pulled that finger into this mouth. The tip of his tongue lightly brushed the length of his finger, making sure to get all the syrup off his skin. His hand came up to hold Sergio’s in place while the flavors of Sergio’s skin were sampled by his tongue. “That good, huh?” “Yuuummm. Delicious.” Akemi kept Sergio’s finger in his mouth a little longer. Then, he slowly pulled it out of his mouth as his eyes rolled. “Keep the syrup warm, yeah?” “Planning on it.” Putting pancakes on their plates with lots of warm fruit and syrup, the breakfast was designed to be a little messy. Just enough syrup to spill here and there so they would have to lick it off each other’s lips or chin, or wherever else it landed. And somehow syrup ended up in some interesting places. As the number of pancakes decreased, so did the amount of the clothes they had on. Moving their breakfast back into the bedroom, a small mug of syrup came with them. Kissing as they made their way to their bed, Sergio kept the small mug upright, so it didn’t spill. Laughing as they kissed, they carefully landed on the bed. Once there, Akemi laid back onto the pillows with his hands over his head. Dipping one finger into the mug, Sergio swirled the syrup before slowly pulling his finger back out and then rolling it down the center of Akemi’s chest. Watching Sergio, Akemi licked his lips before lightly biting down. The warm syrup was followed by Sergio’s tongue sliding up the trail of sweetness. Then, he poured a little bit of syrup on the middle of Akemi’s chest before he spread it out, circling Akemi’s nipples one at a time, slowly, seductively, with his tongue following the trail again. Just as slowly. Just as seductively. His lips kissed the area around Akemi’s nipples, then moved down the center of his torso, down, past his belly button. The heat from their bodies had decreased the viscosity of

the syrup, making it more of a liquid. Letting it slide more freely across his skin. The anticipation was almost as exciting as the action. Akemi sighed as the warmth of Sergio’s lips mixed with syrup continued to move lower and lower. A little more syrup was poured onto his stomach as Sergio’s fingertips spread the syrup along the lines of his muscles. His light touch moved the syrup down the inside of Akemi’s thigh, then did the same on other side. Wet lips kissed his sticky skin, his tongue picking up what remained of the syrup. Each kiss getting closer to the goal. Still warm, Sergio took some into his mouth. Slowly, his lips moved to the tip of Akemi’s cock. The warm liquid spilling out in little droplets off his lips. The muscles of his cheeks pulled Akemi in with quiet sighs from the top of the bed. With his eyes closed, the intensity of stimulation was so overwhelming it led to Akemi’s eyes rolling backward. With a smile, Sergio continued to caress the shaft of Akemi’s cock in his mouth with his tongue. Pulling more and more in, he watched Akemi’s eyebrows tighten with each sigh. Watching his chest expand with each deep breath, knowing that meant he was enjoying every moment. Keeping a steady pace, his mouth moved up and down Akemi’s shaft, his tongue rolling around the sides, spreading the syrup around. His hands moved up Akemi’s thighs, one continuing upward. Still coated with syrup, Sergio’s fingers made their way closer to Akemi’s lips, gingerly caressing them. Akemi’s tongue wrapped around those fingers and pulled him into his mouth, mimicking the actions of Sergio’s. More and more heat between them meant more moans and sighs as they shared in each other’s pleasures. The amount of syrup in the mug slowly decreased, most of it ending up in their mouths or on the sheets. Licking as much of the syrup off each other’s skin, they pretended it was to try to spare their sheets, but it was enjoying each other. As the syrup cooled down, so did they. Starting to feel the syrup return to its original viscosity, so feeling a little sticky, Sergio stretched out and said, “We should probably shower. You’re supposed to go to your office this afternoon.” Turning over with a big smile, Akemi replied, “Well, love, if we shower together….” “It will take twice as long, and you know it.” Smiling back, Sergio was happy to have their lives seemingly back on track. “You go. I’ll put these sheets in the

wash. Then me. And Gracie and I will walk you to the train.” “Alright. I guess.” Akemi started to stand and realized there was more syrup on his stomach. “Will you get this first?” His eyes sparkled with mischief. One long last lick cleaned all the syrup off Akemi’s stomach. “Now get.” Sergio slapped his ass to get him moving. It was a new position at work and he didn’t want Akemi to be late. After they both showered and dressed, they walked toward the train. Gracie was happy to go out, even if it was cold and a little snowy. She liked the snow and the jacket she got to wear if it was raining. Walking hand in hand, they approached the station with a little hesitance. They said their good-byes with a long lingering kiss. And then Sergio and Gracie watched Akemi walk into the building with a last wave. “What are we going to do Gracie?” She looked up at him with a smile. He looked back at her before saying, “What do we tell Nate when he calls? I don’t know. You don’t have any advice, do you?” She barked a reply but had no advice. She couldn’t help him with this. “Okay. Let’s go home and figure out what to say.” Nathaniel Blake was not only the surgeon who reattached Sergio’s spine, saved his hand and his kidneys, but he was also Sergio’s best friend, Mitchell Davis’, boyfriend. Again. Nate and Mitchell had dated in college, broke up and went their separate ways, then ended up working in the same field. After they tried being just friends, they reconnected while reattaching Sergio’s spinal cord. They were both involved with other people at the time, which made things more difficult. But, now they had decided to try again, and Mitchell moved to Maryland to be with Nate. Nate had offered Sergio the opportunity to come work with him at the NIH in Bethesda, adding, “no pressure”. Sergio and Akemi planned to visit them in March for Nate’s 30th & Akemi’s 35th birthdays. They knew that they had to make this decision together and it might take some time. Along with the job offer, Nate and Sergio had regular phone calls to talk about his recovery. Even if they lived on different continents, Nate wanted to be sure Sergio knew he was there for him. If anything came up, any problem or concern, he could talk to him about it. They all talked more often anyway. Now that Mitchell and his best girl friend, Paola Munoz, had opened a health clinic in the Anacostia neighborhood of Washington D.C., Sergio would Skype with them

just to see their faces. Mitchell also travelled doing relief work around the world. Internet chatting was the best way to keep in touch. Sergio had considered tagging along, that seemed rewarding and something he could do. Being at home was horribly boring. He worked in a medical office a few days a week, checking in patients and doing preliminary evaluations, but it wasn’t the same as doing surgery. Once back to the flat, Sergio cleaned up the kitchen. Gracie took her place at the window, looking outside, hoping a squirrel would run by. Their house was still warm and smelled like the delicious breakfast they had enjoyed. Thinking ahead, he had thrown the sheets in the wash before they left to walk Akemi to the train. Now, to choose which sheets to put on the bed, maybe the purple silky ones? Making the bed with new sheets, Gracie came in to help with the corners and to bring him the pillows. The phone rang indicating it was time to tell Nate he still had yet to decide. “Hey man. How’s it going? That’s what you Americans say, yeah?” Answering the phone, he knew it would come up, but was in no hurry to talk about. “Hey Serge. Why yes, it is. Things are going quite well. The usual; work is busy. Trying to finish this paper, but people keep coming in need of medical care. At home, there are temper tantrums about things I didn’t know would be a big deal. But enough about Mitch, how are you?” Laughing, Sergio knew Nate also had a young son named Seth who lived with his biological mom, April Lewis, next door. Of course it was a play on “who” was having the tantrums. “You almost had me there. All kidding aside, how are things with you and our Dr. Davis?” “You know, they’re good. He doesn’t really throw that many temper tantrums. Every once in a while, he gets upset about something and storms around. I just keep doing what I’m doing and figure he’ll come talk to me when he feels like it.” “That seems the best.” Sergio had usually done the same with Mitchell and would just watch Mitchell fidget until the words would eventually come out. “Once I said, ‘Is something wrong, Mitch?’ and he looked at me like I had two heads. So, from then on, I just let him shuffle around. I guess that works well

enough. Otherwise, things are good. We took the fence down between the two houses so now Seth has one big yard. Just left the fence around the pool.” “Ah Seth. How’s he doing?” Nate’s son had such a cool home life. The outside world might be more of challenge. Feeling safe at home was important and that was the environment Nate and April worked hard to create for Seth. “He’s adorable, smart, creative, but I might be a little biased. They went to visit April’s family for a week. It’s amazing how much I miss him when they leave.” “That’s so sweet Nate. You seem to be fitting into this dad-thing pretty well, yeah?” “Yeah. I like it. Plus, I know the kind of parent I don’t want to be.” “I hear ya there. We were just in Paris to see Francois. It was a good trip. We talked to our dad while I was there. Skyped with the kids and all that.” Sergio would share his feelings with Nate about being the younger sibling. Nate was working on being a better older brother to his little sister, Julie. They would talk about how sometimes being protective sounds condescending and other challenges of communicating with family. “Sounds like things are better with you two, too.” “We are all getting along, which is good. How much time do you spend with Seth?” Partially interested in understanding how this parenting thing worked for them, and partially not wanting to talk about work, Sergio thought of other things to talk about. “It depends. We don’t have any kind of agreement in writing. It’s more, when April and Gordon go out of town we have Seth. Or, I pick him up after school so he has dinner with us. I trust April, but sometimes I feel like we should write it out. Something more formal.” “I could see that. Did she marry that guy who came to London?” Knowing April’s choice in partner was also a person Nate didn’t get along with since medical school had to be challenging. “Gordon? Not yet, but they’ve been engaged since Christmas. They haven’t set a date. I don’t really like him, but I try to be civil. He wasn’t super excited when

she decided to put my name on the birth certificate, much less tell Seth I was his biological father. Now that Seth decided to call me ‘Dad’, Gordon’s even more annoyed. But it was Seth’s decision, so, he didn’t really have a choice.” “That’s gotta be frustrating for you.” “Yeah. We’ll see how this works out. Speaking of, Ryan said Akemi’s sister is having a baby? That’s exciting.” “It is! And, she’s not married, so he’s not the shame of the family anymore!” “Ha! Well, that’s good for everyone.” “Yes, it is. That was part of why he wanted to stay here for Christmas. I just didn’t want to say anything until he told everyone. You know, I’m really glad he and Ryan have become close friends. I think it’s good for ‘kem to have someone to talk about the accident and stuff. There is still a struggle in there, I know it. And he’s not talking to me about it.” Sergio wasn’t really friends with any ex’s, mainly because he didn’t really date anyone for an extended length of time before Akemi. He was intrigued on how Nate and his ex, Ryan Stevens, were now such good friends. Nate and Ryan had met when Nate performed a similar surgery on Ryan’s boyfriend at the time. Ryan’s background provided a lot of privilege, old school New England money. Now, that money was partially what funded the clinic Mitchell and Paola opened. “Well, if anyone knows what that’s like, it’s Ryan. I know it took him a long time to deal with his car accident and everything that happened with Chad’s injuries. I’d think he’d be good to talk to. He’s a good friend to have for lots of reasons.” Spending some time talking about the clinic, Ryan’s money, their various Christmas events, everything else was going well. The conversation got to a point where Sergio had to put it out there. “Which leads me to something else.” Sergio knew he had to tell Nate what was going on. “So, about the job….” “It’s cool Serge, you don’t have to decide right now or if it’s ‘no’ that’s cool too.” “That’s not it Nate. I can’t get ‘kem to talk about it. And now with his sister having a baby, I’m not sure what he’s thinking. I’m gonna try tonight.” “Well, if he doesn’t want to talk about it tonight, I understand. The job is here if

you want it.” “Thanks. I’ll let you know how it goes.” “No problem. It would be great if you two lived here. But, I know compromises can be a challenge. Speaking of challenges, how are you doing physically?” “Well, now that you bring it up…” Sergio knew Nate was changing the subject, but this was more interesting, and he could talk about things that made him feel like he was actually getting along better with Akemi instead of feeling like they couldn’t discuss difficult decisions. After explaining some of the new/old stuff they had tried in their bedroom, Nate laughed. Those weren’t things he would ever have thought of, but he might try some of them now. There were questions about how things worked, or how does one get in that position at all. They went on to talk about the specific problems Sergio was having with his left hand. His left hand would cramp or get numb. They talked out some ideas of how to prevent that and decided that if it didn’t get better by March, they’d do some tests. Once he finished his check in with Nate, Sergio had some time to get to the pool and swim. That helped him clear his head, which was way too full today. When he had completed the number of laps he had planned on, plus 6 more, he got out showered, and headed home. Being the one at home, he would cook dinner and do house stuff. It wasn’t his life goal, but it gave him something to do. Each night he tried new recipes, or worked to perfect old ones, trying to find excitement in domestic adventures. Once he decided on aloo gobi and homemade naan, he ed the time preparing a meal for his family. Timed perfectly, the bread was just about ready when Akemi came through the door. “Smells wonderful in here. What are we having?” Akemi put his bag down and took off his coat as he smiled watching Sergio walk down the hall wiping his hands with a towel. “Indian. I even made naan.” Leaning over to give Akemi a kiss, “How was your day?” “Good. It was good.” He reached out to take Sergio in his arms and kiss him. “Our morning helped get me through it.”

Sitting down to eat, they chatted about Akemi’s new position and his schedule for the weeks. As a locum, Akemi travelled to different hospitals for work to fill in for people. This position was close, so he would be home more often. A lull in the conversation meant that Sergio could bring up the thing he really wanted to talk about. It was going to be difficult to get Akemi to talk, but he had to try. “I talked to Nate today.” “Oh, yeah. How is he doing?” Just eating, he figured that didn’t necessarily mean they had to talk jobs. “He’s good. Sounds like things are going well with them. Somehow Mitchell has figured out a way to avoid going to any event with Nate’s parents, says he had to be at the clinic or happens to be out of the country for different holidays.” Trying to keep it casual, he talked relationships. With a look of sympathy, Akemi asked, “Does he not get along with Nate’s parents?” “Nate’s mother never approved of Mitchell. Ryan was more to her liking in of social standing considering his family’s money and everything. Somehow Mitchell has avoided seeing Nate’s parents since he moved back to the States.” “Well, that’s skill.” “I told Nate I would try to talk to you about his offer….” Akemi was almost done, but somehow seemed to be finishing up quickly. “Okay. Maybe we can talk about it after dinner.” Putting his hand on Akemi’s wrist, he asked, “Why can’t we talk about it now?” “Because we are having a lovely dinner. Let’s just finish this first. Did he say how Seth was doing?” “’Yes. Seth is good. Smart and adorable. Seems tense with Gordon, April’s boyfriend.” Finishing the last bite on his plate, “I would like to have something to tell him about the job.”

Picking up his dish, Akemi walked into their kitchen. Since it was open to the dining room, he could still talk without speaking too loudly, he just didn’t. “’kem please come back here and talk to me about this. I know you don’t want to, I get that. But we need to talk and decide together.” Their communication skills were never that great but had been better right after the accident. They saw a therapist to help. After a while they couldn’t seem to find the time. Lately, it seemed like they had fallen into their old patterns of not discussing difficult things, just moving on, making things hard. Not always the fun kind of things either. Walking back into the room, “What do you want me to say Sergio? I don’t know what to tell you.” “I’m not asking you to tell me anything, I want to talk about it and weigh the options. What if we did move there? I mean, I could see you not wanting to leave with your new position and your sister’s new baby. But I can’t sit around anymore. It’s driving me crazy. I need to do something. More importantly, I want us to figure out how to talk about this stuff.” With a sigh, Akemi sat back down at the table. “Can’t we talk about it later, it has been such a great weekend and a wonderful morning today. Do we have to have this conversation now?” Putting his elbows on the table. “Why does us having a conversation about this mean it ruins the day?” There was no answer from Akemi, he just looked down at the table. Reaching over to Akemi’s hand, Sergio tried to ask a different way. “I know it’s tough to talk about it, but we have figured out how to talk about other things. We can talk about this. I know we can.” “I don’t like it when we don’t agree.” Looking up with uncertainty. “I know you want to go. But I don’t know that I want to leave. I know sitting at home is killing you. I thought working in the office would help, but it seems like it hasn’t. I thought maybe if I made more money….” “It’s not the….”

“No. I know it’s not the money. I thought maybe you’d find a volunteer thing or something. I don’t know.” As difficult as it was for Sergio to keep quiet, he knew Akemi had more to say. “I know you’re not happy Serge and I know you miss your friends. But I don’t want to leave, so I don’t know what to do.” “That’s why we need to talk about it and try to go over the options. Listen, I’m glad things are better with us. Things are better, that’s true. Maybe we can find a compromise. We’ve done it before.” It would be a long night and they might not find the answer right away, but at least they were talking.

2

Silver Spring, Maryland, March 2012

Heading back to their house after a long run, Mitchell had time to contemplate the last years events. He decided to walk the few blocks back home to unwind and think a little more about everything. A year had ed since he met up with Nate in Chicago. Where they thought they were ready to try again. One year. In only one year they had moved in together, started conducting more surgeries together and opened a clinic. Sure, they spent time together, but it was not the quality time Mitchell had hoped they would have. Having a toddler around doesn’t always lead to alone time, even if he lives next door. On top of that, part of the clinic opening meant he and Paola had worked with lots of community groups to be sure it was what everyone wanted. That meant a lot of late nights and long negotiating meetings. More time apart. As he walked home, he tried to sort out what was bothering him. They had had a family birthday celebration on Nate’s actual birthday before April, Gordon and Seth headed out of town, meaning the houses were theirs to enjoy. Their friends were coming for dinner at their house for Nate and Akemi’s birthdays. Sergio and Akemi were going to come over for a week, which would be great. Adding to it all, Ryan was coming down with his new boyfriend, Derrick, so there was a lot going on. Maybe that was it? The first chance he had with Nate alone in months and everyone else would be there. A few blocks closer and he heard a beep from an approaching car. It was Sergio and Akemi driving in from the airport. They were going to stay at April and Gordon’s while they were visiting for the week. Having two houses next to each other was helpful since there were so many people coming down for the weekend. It wasn’t that he wasn’t happy to see them, he was. He missed Sergio tremendously. He was just hoping for some alone time with Nate. “Hey Mitchell. You getting old or getting tired?” Sergio had rolled his window down. Driving on the other side was uncomfortable and Akemi didn’t want to do

it. However, Sergio was making him and repeatedly told him he trusted him to drive them anywhere. It was just hard to get over an accident like theirs. Deciding to take Nate up on the exchange meant that Sergio was coming to stay for a while. It was lots of discussion and compromise. The compromise was more than just work. Sergio was moving to Silver Spring, but Akemi would be heading back to London at the end of the week. They were going to try the longdistance thing and see how that worked for them. There were challenges ahead, but Sergio needed a change and Akemi wasn’t ready to leave London just yet. The rules they had agreed upon early in their relationship were discussed again. No spending the night with someone else in a bed they’d both sleep in. No last names, no meeting that person ever again and no becoming friends with them. Sergio was pretty sure he wasn’t feeling like being with anyone else. However, he wasn’t confident that Akemi would follow all the rules, yet, they needed to come up with something for now. “Hey guys! It’s good to see you!” Mitchell bent down to lean on the door. Akemi was leaning over Sergio as he talked out the window. “May we offer you a ride?” “I love it when his head is right here.” Sergio said with a smirk. His mischievous green eyes sparkled with delight. “Stop it Serge.” With a slap on the chest, Akemi leaned back to the driver’s seat. It was good to have Sergio back to his frisky self. “Sure. I’m glad you’re here. I was just thinking on my way back.” Mitchell hopped in the back of the car and they drove him the rest of the way. After saying hello to everyone, he pet Gracie’s head while they chatted about work. “Nate’s cooking if you guys want to head over now.” “I have to check in with some work stuff. You mind if we come over in about 30?” Thinking that maybe Nate and Mitchell needed to chat about whatever it was that Mitchell was thinking about on the way back, Akemi suggested some time between parking and coming over. Time to settle in seemed like a good idea, so Mitchell agreed as he directed them to their house. Once Akemi and Sergio dropped Mitchell off in the driveway, Mitchell gave them the key and then they walked next door. Walking into his

home with Nate, which smelled wonderful, Mitchell found Nate in the kitchen with a big kiss. “Hey hon. The food smells great.” The reciprocated kiss was followed by, “Thanks. Hungry?” “Not at the moment.” Wrapping his arms around Nate’s waist, Mitchell told Nate about running into Sergio and Akemi and continued on how great the food smelled, again. “That’s not what I meant.” Turning in Mitchell’s arms, Nate went back to stirring the sauce with one hand, pres against Mitchell’s body, holding one arm close with the other hand. “It looks like you are busy Nate.” Putting his chin on Nate’s shoulder and taking a deep breath, Mitchell snuggled up to Nate’s back. “What can I do to help?” “Help me relax or cook?” Nate was stirring, but he was also moving his hips up and down, rubbing his butt against Mitchell’s crotch. “I’m not sure what you mean. They’ll be here soon, and it seems like you are busy.” Mitchell was getting a little lost as Nate’s pulsing movements were caressing his cock. Somehow Nate had perfectly placed one butt cheek on either side of Mitchell’s more obvious arousal and was gently stroking it. A few deep breaths and sighs came out of Mitchell as he grabbed Nate’s waist a little tighter. “If we stay in here, I can keep an eye on the food.” He could tell this was working and he could feel Mitchell agree, even if it wasn’t verbal. “Crap Nate. In here, while you are cooking? That seems wrong and again, they’re coming over soon.” “Then drop ‘em, push me up against the counter and do it quick.” Nate leaned his head back and kissed Mitchell as he dropped the spoon next to the pot. Pulling his pants down, he put his hand up against the backsplash behind the stove. “You’ve got to be kidding.” Mitchell stood still for a second as the request settled in. Nate slapped some olive oil on his hands, then reached back and grabbed at

Mitchell’s cock as he pulled his shorts down, just enough. “Do I sound like I’m kidding? Does it feel like I’m kidding?” Smiling, he reached one hand over his shoulder and pulled the back of Mitchell’s neck toward him. “Do it.” Shaking his head, but happy to oblige, Mitchell pushed Nate against the counter, away from the food and pushed himself inside him. Nate had moved his hands to the counter edge and grabbed the cold marble. A few swear words later, Nate reached back and grabbed Mitchell’s hip pulling him in closer, harder, faster. Having one hand on Nate’s hip, the other moved to his mouth as Nate’s tongue wrapped itself over Mitchell’s fingers. They were salty from the sweat from the run, and now they were wet, warm and felt amazing. Pushing harder and faster is what Nate wanted and Mitchell wanted to make him happy, though it still seemed weird to do. Then, he forgot about the food and just focused on the noises Nate was making. He was already sweaty, but now his heart rate monitor was beeping indicating that his rate was above the range he set for exercise. “Guess this is good cardio after all.” Nate said even with his mouth full of fingers. Laughing, Mitchell was close to climaxing, as the beeping continued. They were both panting, their breaths starting to match up. As they climaxed together, Mitchell grabbed Nate tighter and kissed his neck. “You more relaxed now babe?” Nate was breathing heavy, still lying on his stomach against the counter for a moment. Yep, that’s exactly what he wanted. He shook his head yes and with a deep breath, leaned back and kissed Mitchell seductively. “After dinner, I’ll repay the favor.” With that, they could hear sounds of people crossing the yard and they quickly pulled their pants back up. Nate splashed water on his face, washed and dried his hands. Not his usual surgeon way, but he was in a rush. Grabbing the spoon, he checked on the food as if nothing had happened. Mitchell tried to walk over to the sliding glass door off the family room to let in the guests before they even got to the door. After ‘welcomes’, ‘good to have you’re here’ and a quick check in, they all moved into the kitchen to talk about the clinic.

“Mitchell? Do you have those forms for me to sign for the clinic? Paola wanted me to bring them to her tomorrow?” Although the job offer was to work with Nate at the NIH, Sergio could also work as a doctor at their new clinic. It was part of his Fulbright agreement. They could all work together again, they just needed to find a diner close by like the one they had in London. Though, Sergio could tell there was something up with Nate and Mitchell. “Sure Serge, they’re in my office. I’ll get ‘em. Let me just take a quick shower.” It was explainable that Mitchell was all sweaty as he’d been running, but he was sweatier than he was in their car. “I’ll go with you. I have a question.” As Sergio followed Mitchell upstairs to the master bathroom, he was eyeing him with suspicion. Once they got out of ear shot, Mitchell figured he’d ask. “What’s up Serge? Why are you following me to the shower?” “Did you just bugger your boyfriend in the kitchen while he was cooking?” The stairs weren’t going to stop him from finding out and he navigated them more easily than he thought he could. Answers were motivating. Mitchell looked over his shoulder as he walked up the stairs knowing he couldn’t hide it. “Yep.” “What?! Really?! By the food? You? So quickly? Didn’t we just drop you off?” “I know, but Nate wanted me to. He told me to just push him up against the counter and I did.” “Fuck me Mitchell. Well. Dinner is made with love I guess. How did that happen so fast?” “Serge. I….” Shaking his head with a smile, it was nice to have Sergio around again. “No, you don’t have to tell me.” This was more detail then he usually got without a lot of prodding. At this point they had made their way to Nate and Mitchell’s bedroom. Mitchell was heading toward the bathroom when he turned and looked at Sergio. “Nate’s

got this way of making me hard with a look, you know? I usually can’t keep my hands off him in some way whenever we’re together. Sometimes, after surgery, we make good use of his office, if you know what I mean.” Mitchell gave a smile, knowing his corny jokes were something Sergio would laugh at. “Same when he’s cooking, I don’t know. It’s like chemistry class all over again. This time. He just…” Shaking his head, he decided to start sharing more as he pulled his shirt off. “I came in, gave him a kiss and he pulled me against his back as he was stirring the food.” “Okay.” Sergio was at a loss in many ways. Mitchell was about to share something about his sex life, he was standing without a shirt in the doorway to the bathroom where he was going to take a shower and hadn’t told Serge to leave. “You wanna sit in here while I talk or just hear the synopsis and leave?” Mitchell was taking off his shoes and socks, then started to pull off his shorts. “Who are you?” Sergio sat on their bed and just stared at him. With a laugh, “A more comfortable me, I guess. So, as I was saying.” He reached in to turn on the water, then walked back to the doorway. “He pulled me against his back and just started rubbing my crotch with his butt, slowly moving his hips up and down until he could feel me get hard. Then, he just pulled my pants down, and his and told me what to do. He said it helped him relax. Maybe he’s nervous about Ryan and Derrick coming down, I don’t know. Then he went back to cooking and you guys showed up. I don’t know what else to tell you.” Sergio looked at him as if he was a completely different person. “Mitchell. You just told me about your sex life, standing naked in the doorway to your bathroom.” As if Sergio hadn’t said anything, Mitchell continued. “I mean, on the one hand, I love any time with Nate. You know? Yet, when we were in Chicago, we just spent hours…” With a grimace, Sergio chimed in. “Don’t say it.” “Making love.” Wincing, Sergio had a look that said enough. He wasn’t a fan of that phrase.

“But, we don’t really get the time anymore. Not that I’m complaining. I don’t know maybe I am. I love Nate and his family. You know I always wanted kids, and Seth is adorable. And I do enjoy our limited time, even if it’s quick. I am grateful for all this.” His hand waved around. “Though I miss spending hours in bed with him on a Sunday morning. We had breakfast in bed (with a head tilt) once since I moved here. Just once. Suburban life is not what I expected.” “I seriously have no idea what to say to you.” Shaking his head Sergio was still surprised that Mitchell was naked. “Well, I’m getting in this shower. Then I’m going to get dressed, kiss my wonderful boyfriend and entertain people for dinner in our lovely home.” He smiled and walking into the shower. “See you in a few!” Sergio had to sit there a second. That did not just happen. He’d never seen Mitchell naked in all these years. And now, there he was, talking about having sex with Nate in the kitchen. The year of the dragon was going to be very weird. Good but weird. Realizing that he was sitting in Nate and Mitchell’s bedroom alone, Sergio decided to go back downstairs and see what was going on in the kitchen. The laughter from the kitchen was just as enticing as the wonderful smell of the food. Akemi and Nate were just chatting away as Nate smiled at Sergio. Nate was fairly certain that Mitchell told him what had happened before they came over, but he didn’t mind. He was proud of their life now. Once Paola showed up, they started to set everything up outside. Eventually, Mitchell came back down, looking refreshed. It was a lovely evening, not too cold, though they had heat lamps and blankets just in case. “This food was delicious Nate. Thank you for cooking.” Akemi smiled. Moving with Sergio was tempting, but he wasn’t ready to leave London. “Thank you. I give credit to my Chemistry teachers. I’ve always enjoyed mixing stuff together.” Having everyone around was such a great gift. “Wanna help me get dessert?” Nate stood up and started to put the plates on the tray. “I’d be happy to! I can’t wait to see what you made yourself for your birthday.” Standing, Akemi helped clean up. “Hey. This course was my doing. I made Nate his favorite, tiramisu.” Mitchell

leaned over to kiss Nate on the cheek as he picked up some plates. “That sounds delicious too. I’m so happy you both like to cook. More wine anyone?” If all the plates were on the tray and Mitchell had the other items, Akemi figured he’d grab more wine. “Yes!” Sergio and Paola laughed as they answered. “We’ll be back with dessert and wine.” Kissing Sergio, Akemi patted him on the knee before heading inside. “So. Paola….” Now it was just her and Serge outside. “Yes Serge, what it is?” She was just swirling her wine around the glass, not really looking at him. “How’s life here in Maryland? How’s the clinic going?” “It’s good. I like the staff. We’ve had good meetings so far. I miss Shelia, but we email back and forth, and my new charge nurse is great. It’s just weird getting used to the American system. You know, lack of universal health care and all that.” With that, she finally looked at Sergio and noticed his look. “What’s that look for? Are you going to ask me about my personal life? ‘Cause I told you, I’m not feeling like dating right now.” “Mitchell told me about his sex life while he got undressed and then got into the shower.” “What?” She laughed and was relieved that she didn’t have to answer questions about her life. “I know. When we got here, we saw him walking back from a run looking like he was thinking about stuff. First, I was nervous something was wrong with him and Nate.” “I could see that.” “When Akemi and I were getting our stuff sorted, I thought we should give them a few because maybe they needed to talk. We decided to make a lot of noise walking across the yard which was good because Mitchell had just buggered

Nate in kitchen and they had to pull their pants up.” “What? While he was cooking? And you saw them?” “No. That’s the crazy part. When he walked in, they just looked cheeky. You know me, it’s like I can sense when people have sex, or want to or whatever. I asked him about some paperwork to get him alone and when I confronted him about it, he told me the truth and gave me details. Without hours of interrogating. He just told me.” “Mitchell or Nate?” “Mitchell! What is wrong with him?” Paola laughed, “Something similar happened at the clinic the other day. Nate came by for lunch and they weren’t gone that long. A little while later he said something about being hungry. I asked him about eating with Nate to which he replied ‘oh, we just had sex in the car but didn’t get any food’ and went back to talking about ordering a pizza. Like it was normal for him to say that, at work.” “I’m just so surprised. I mean I thought he’d be different with Nate and living here, but this is strange.” With that they saw a flame in the kitchen and heard everyone cheer. Nate had added something to the dessert that you had to light on fire. “He seems like he’s finally relaxed, you know?” “Yeah, it’s been fun hanging out, I have to say. I stayed with them for a while when I first got here. Now, my place isn’t that far. I wasn’t sure how it would be, living here, with this big family. Seemed a little weird, but it’s nice.” Paola had found a great little house not too far, so she could just walk over for dinner or whatever. It was working out well and she enjoyed her time at their place. “You know when you were a kid and there were these families on TV that didn’t seem like anything you knew of? That’s what it’s like here. Seth is one lucky little boy.” “What are you two talking about?” Mitchell walked out after he was watching them talk for a while giving them some time alone. He missed their dinners, just the three of them. “Did you tell Paola about my helping in the kitchen?” Smirking, he didn’t mind that she knew. “I told Paola about how you told me about it without a lot of questions. Mitchell,

you just seem so….” “Happy?” His eyebrows went up as he said it with a smile. This didn’t mean he wasn’t worried about everything, but less worried than in years ed. “Yes.” Sergio couldn’t help but smile too. “Happy seems like the right word.” “Yeah, I am. I’m so glad you guys are gonna be here awhile. Once you get settled in Serge, I was thinking, maybe the three of us should have a regular dinner night? No excuses, like every other Thursday or something. Just us. What do you think? I mean I know we’ll probably be spending a lot of time here together at the clinic, but I miss you guys.” “That sounds great Mitchell. What a good idea.” Paola was so happy to be with her boys. She didn’t feel like branching out just yet, maybe in a few. It was nice to have this family here. “Yeah, well I kinda stole it from Nate. He and April have a date night of sorts. Actually, we all have different nights that we make sure we spend together. They have dinner on Wednesdays to talk about Seth and stuff. Sunday night is family dinner, every week unless somebody is out of town. We have a date night, but usually we make dinner together and stay home. I was thinking the three of us could do something like that too?” “I feel like this is a weird episode of Big Love.” Sergio laughed, but it sounded like a great idea. “A super gay, not Mormon, Big Love. If only Bill Paxton lived next door. I’ve always had a thing for him.” Paola had never told them that before, but she did own a variety of Bill Paxton movies. “I thought you owned Aliens because of the chick?” “She helps.” They all laughed and enjoyed the night air talking about stories of their lives now. There was great background music through the speakers that looked like rocks. Mitchell lit the chiminea as it got a little cool and Nate brought out the dessert with Akemi’s help. It was nice to sit around as a family and chat.

“So. Nate. Got any plans for your 30th year?” One of the things Paola loved about being a part of this big family meant sharing their life goals. “Yeah. Actually.” Nate swirled his wine glass in his intertwined fingers as his elbows rested on his knees. “I’ve decided I want to try to qualify for the Boston Marathon in 2013. So…” He looked at Mitchell. “We signed up for San Francisco in July. It’s one of the races that is a qualifier, though the time I have to meet is pretty fast. If I can make the time, my name is in the lottery for a spot in Boston, and we’ll see if I get in.” “You’ll do it. I know you will.” Mitchell had been rubbing his back while Nate talked. He was so proud of him and he knew Nate could finish under the time he needed. It meant that they couldn’t always run together anymore, Mitchell wasn’t that fast and wasn’t interesting in getting faster. But considering how ive Nate was of him leaving the country every few months, he could him too. “We’ll make it a fun trip. Seth keeps talking about going to Disneyland, maybe we can fit that in?” “Are you going to run it also?” Sergio was looking at Mitchell. “I signed up for the half. That’s about as long as I can keep up. I figure the second half might be good .” Reaching out to Mitchell, Nate put his hand on Mitchell’s knee. “It will be.” “That would be fun. Can we all go?” Sergio wasn’t sure if Akemi would be up for coming, but he didn’t really have plans. And it would be fun to see California. See historic San Francisco. “We can all be at the finish line to cheer you on!” “Yeah, Ryan offered his jet, so there’s lots of room.” Having an ex-boyfriend with a ridiculous amount of money had its benefits and the use of a private jet was one of them. When he decided to do this, he didn’t think that anyone would want to go. Just like the big talk he gave in Chicago the year before. He didn’t think about other people wanting to come see him give the talk. Much less Mitchell coming all the way from India where he was working with a relief group. Good thing he did. “That was nice of him. When are Ryan and Derrick getting here?” Sergio was excited to see them again, he really liked Derrick and was happy Ryan was

happy. “It will be good to see them both.” There were a lot of phone calls between Akemi and Ryan over the past year. Over time, they were growing closer as friends, not just as post-accident . “They were taking the train, then grabbing a car after Ryan had a reading for his new play.” Nate was checking the clock. “Should be soon. I hope Derrick likes us.” “Have you guys not met Derrick?” Akemi and Sergio had met him when they were in New York for Marc’s birthday party. It seemed a little odd that Derrick had yet to meet the Maryland side of the family. “They were both going to come down for Labor Day, but then Derrick went on tour with Memphis. They met up for Thanksgiving somewhere on the West Coast. Ryan tends to comes to visit when Derrick is out of town, so this is the first weekend they could both come.” Nate was kind of fidgety as he said it. “I’m sure he’s gonna like us. You nervous?” Mitchell reached over to Nate’s hand and picked it up. “I little bit, yeah. I’ve seen some of their pictures, they look very happy. Ryan sounds happy when I’ve talked to him their relationship. His play is going to open soon.” “When we met Derrick, he was very ive of Ryan’s work and they are pretty cute together. Plus, we saw Derrick’s show. He’s really, hum, talented.” Sergio was also thinking of what he looked like in those tights. “Sergio, I think we lost you there for a second. He’s that attractive, huh?” Nate laughed. He was really good looking and of course very toned since he had been dancing on Broadway for the last five years. “One thing Ryan hasn’t talked about is his family.” Looking over to Sergio and Akemi, “Has he talked to you as to if they accept Derrick? They are pretty old school New England. Lots of old money can carry old ways of thinking as well.” “What do you mean?” Mitchell wasn’t on Facebook like everyone else, so didn’t really know what Derrick looked like, or why it would be a problem.

“Derrick’s African American and honestly, Ryan’s parents seem like they’d be cool with it. But his grandfather and his uncles, I can’t see that being okay.” Nate had met Ryan’s family and although they appeared to be accepting of Ryan being gay, they didn’t seem happy about it. “I know Derrick went up to meet everyone at Christmas. I hope they were nice to him. Sometimes Ryan thinks his family is more open-minded then they are.” “Oh. Yeah, you know there was some of Marc’s family that didn’t like him marrying someone that wasn’t Mexican or at least Latino of some kind. They clearly would have been happier if he’d married Paola for lots of reasons.” They all laughed. Mitchell started to think about Marc, just hoping he was okay. Marc Romero was such a big part of this adult life. They had spent 7 years together and during that time, Marc had written a very popular romance series about a doctor named Kenneth Clark. Ken was inspired by Mitchell, but now that it was also a television show, it was difficult to watch someone play Dr. Clark. They had not stayed friends like Nate and Ryan and from what Mitchell saw on TV, Marc’s life was hard to understand. But, then again, his show was a hit, his books were doing well, he was dating one of the hottest men on television, as he started dating the guy who played Dr. Clark when the show started filming. Deep down, he just hoped Marc was happy too. “There were some family that seemed to think he’d accomplished something because I wasn’t Latino. He told me about this one aunt who kept telling him what a good job he did in marrying a white doctor.” “That’s kinda funny. I couldn’t imagine trying to find someone that shares my ethnicity, so I don’t think I could have dated within my race. Or races I guess.” Sergio laughed. The thing with being mixed was that the likelihood of him meeting someone else that was French/Filipino was nearly impossible. “Just wasn’t gonna happen, so why narrow it down?” They continued to talk about their families and social pressures which led to a conversation about race issues in American versus England and European nationalism. Nate was hoping to talk to Derrick about how he could be a better dad to Seth. He and April talked about making sure Seth was comfortable with whom he was, and Nate knew there were different pressures on African American men. Having someone to talk to would be good. Maybe not this trip, that was a lot to ask when you just met someone: ‘Hi. Nice to meet you. Can you help me be a better dad since you’re black and all?’ Maybe eventually they talk about it. It sounded like Derrick was going to stick around for a long time.

As they all talked in the backyard, Ryan and Derrick were getting their rental car and about to head over. Ryan was so excited about everyone meeting Derrick, and Derrick meeting everyone. He was excited about how well the clinic was doing and that he could use his family money for good. Plus, he wanted to fill Sergio and Akemi in on the play and how happy he was. Working as a writer on the TV show based on Marc’s books, was part of why Ryan was in New York. It was a little awkward since Marc was also Mitchell’s ex. Now, Ryan and Marc had a great working relationship. Marc was becoming a wonderful mentor and everyone in the office got along pretty well. Marc and CJ, Marc’s boyfriend, were staying with Shelby, Ryan’s diabetic cat. CJ wasn’t afraid of needles, so she was going to be well cared for while he was out of town. Really, he was looking forward to a weekend away with Derrick. Although Derrick had only been gone for a month while on tour, he missed him. Being busy was good in that he could keep focus on his life and not just put Derrick first, but they didn’t get a lot of time together. He knew this was a place to relax together. Driving over to the houses, he was filling Derrick in on everyone’s story. “You’re really okay with staying with your ex, his new/old boyfriend that he was kind of in love with the whole time he was with you, who happens to also be the ex of your boss/mentor/best friend?” Derrick just couldn’t wrap his head around all of it. Since Ryan had shared little bits at a time, he eased him into this part of his reality, but it was kinda weird. “Really? Is this one of those ‘Ryan pretending he’s more okay with something than he is’ things?” Laughing Ryan looked over at Derrick and smiled. “It might have started out that way, but I think Nate and I are good friends now. I want him to be happy, he wants me to be happy. It’s all good.” He smirked a little. “And you met Sergio and Akemi. They’re worth keepin’ around.” “I still can’t believe that guy was paralyzed for a while and almost died and all that. He seems to get around okay now.” In some ways, it was also weird because Derrick knew CJ pretty well from working in theater for the past few years. He felt conflicted about meeting Marc’s ex. Marc never said anything that would imply he had a problem with Ryan’s friendship with them, but Derrick had read about it online. And there was a lot to read, Marc and Mitchell’s break up ended up entertainment news because it happened at the same time the show had begun production. The books had a big following, so the show was bound to be big too. Once Marc was seen out with CJ, the paparazzi had a field day. Either way, Ryan seemed like everything was cool, so he was going to try.

“I know.” Since Ryan met Nate when his college boyfriend needed spinal surgery, they had a strange past. He thought about the fact that two people he was close to had been paralyzed and now could walk, because of Nate. “You know part of the problem with my relationship with Nate was that he seemed like some kind of god. What did you say, I ‘talk about him like he’s magic’ which is true, I do. I’d try to convince myself that I shouldn’t be upset with him about things because he did so much for other people. Now I can appreciate his career choice and I know he’s not perfect.” “That makes sense, it would be hard to see yourself as an equal to someone like that. He sounds like a pretty impressive guy. He does help the lame walk and all.” Derrick wasn’t one to compare himself to others, but he was a little nervous about meeting Ryan’s ex. “So, you don’t think of me as a god?” “I think of you as a different kind of god.” Ryan smiled and gave Derrick a look of longing. “I see. Thank you, I think.” Smiling back, he was happy to be there. Ryan was not what he expected. He was more. “Can I tell you a really embarrassing story?” Driving while talking, it would mean he wouldn’t have to look Derrick in the eye while he told the story. “Of course. Though, I’m sure it’s not that bad.” One thing Derrick was picking up on was Ryan’s tendency to criticize his own actions. Usually, they weren’t that bad or stupid or whatever word Ryan chose. “Okay, so background to the story:” “Set the scene for me.” Derrick also loved how most of Ryan’s stories were retold like script. “Yes. Picture it…” A script, or story Sophia told on the Golden Girls. “Sicily, 1922.” “Silver Spring, Maryland: 2008 - Mitchell was coming to the NIH for a talk and to tour our new neurology wing. It was going to be the first time Mitchell and Nate were going to have to talk to each other in like 7 and a half years when Mitchell walked out on Nate before a big test in undergrad.”

Derrick looked a little like ‘what’? “They’d both be at these conferences, but Nate wouldn’t talk to him or even be in the same room with him because he was so heartbroken…yadda yadda yadda. Nate was all nervous about it. I focused on that instead of on my own insecurities about it all. I was going to give Mitchell a tour of the neurology wing, since my foundation was paying the bill – which is also a story I’m not proud of, but you know that one already. I even bought this amazing suit to wear to show him up, again, not proud of that.” “Yes, I know about the money.” Derrick had heard most of the stories that Ryan thought demonstrated an error in the way he was raised, which made it weird to hear a new one. “However, I don’t think you shouldn’t be so ashamed of things.” “Thank you. I’m trying. Back to the story: After a meeting about planning the new wing, I suggested that Nate talk to Mitchell since Mitchell had asked me to ask Nate if they could talk. I left him at the hotel, where the meeting was, and I was sitting at a café when Marc came up and introduced himself. I really liked him, so I thought ‘Hey! Let’s all go to dinner together!’, because that’s not weird.” Turning off the highway, they were closer to the party. Derrick smiled and listened, so far, not that embarrassing. He thought ‘we all do things in our early 20s that don’t make sense later.’ “So Nate and Mitchell have a nice chat. Nate finds me talking to Marc at the café and we walk around a town a little because Nate was really jittery. Then he told me that Mitchell said he regretted breaking up with him in college, but I shouldn’t worry about it. So! We all go out to dinner, like old friends or something, even though I was afraid of what that all meant. All through the dinner I had to keep a hand on Nate, sometimes in some inappropriate places. I’d whisper stupid things in his ear that I thought were sexy. I’d make comments trying to show how comfortable I was when I really-really wasn’t.” He stopped for a minute to think about it before continuing, “I did the same thing the first time we went to London to visit them. It was so immature.” “Ryan, you are really hard on yourself. How old were you? 23? You were young and it was a weird situation. To say the least.” If there was a way that Derrick could get Ryan to see him the way he saw him, he would. “I can see trying to assert some authority of sorts. People do stranger things than that.”

“I guess. I don’t know. It’s seems stupid now.” Ryan laughed, but he was still embarrassed. “If I ever start whispering in your ear and it seems like I’m trying to prove something, let me know.” “Okay.” Derrick laughed too, but he found it all hard to believe. Ryan was so excited to be there and have him meet everyone. “Did Nate think it was embarrassing?” If he did, or made Ryan feel stupid, it made even less sense that Ryan would want to stay friends with him. “Oh, no. Never. Nate was always really ive and would ask if I was okay with things. If I wasn’t okay with something, he’d change our plans or whatever I said I needed. I think he knew I wasn’t comfortable with more than I said. He’s a good guy and he tried to be a good boyfriend. There was just a lot more that I needed that he couldn’t give me.” ‘Like not being in love with someone else?’ Derrick thought to himself but wouldn’t say aloud. Knowing Derrick was thinking about the whole thing, Ryan tried to think of something to say that would help explain or kind of change the subject a little. “I think you’ll like him. And he’s a great dad. He and his son are so cute together. You’ll like him too, though they are out of town right now.” “The baby’s mama is a friend of his, right?” “Yeah, April and Nate became friends when he first started at the NIH. They became roommates when he donated sperm so she’d know about the father’s genetic history. After Seth was born, we were there to help out a lot.” Ryan though back to those early days with Seth. He missed Seth too. “That is one thing, they talk science a lot, which is interesting, and they aren’t rude about it, but it’s nice to talk about other things sometimes.” “Okay. I’m glad I brushed up on my Biology before we left.” Derrick was smiling at Ryan. It seems like a lot. “Will they be back before we have to leave? Will I get to meet them?” “I’m not sure. I don’t know when April gets back. You’d like her, she’s very cool.” As Ryan said it, he turned and smiled at Derrick, then stopped. “What Ryan?” Derrick was learning more about Ryan’s subtle and not so subtle

looks. “That look means trouble.” “Well, it’s not that you’ll like her because she’s African American. I mean I think you’ll just like her as a person. And….” “I didn’t think that’s what you meant. Relax.” Derrick picked up Ryan’s hand and kissed it. He thought it was cute that Ryan was concerned about offending him, but he did seem to obsess lately. “Really. It’s okay.” Ryan’s eyes went back to Derrick’s and back to the road. “Okay. I’m sorry.” “Don’t be. I’m sure I will like her and Seth.” Thinking he should change the subject, he thought he’d ask about other people he didn’t know. “What’s Paola like?” “She’s cool too. She went to undergrad with Nate and Mitchell at Brown. She was there for the whole thing with them. Then, she went to medical school with Mitchell after he broke up with Nate. That’s where Sergio comes in. They all met in London at med school, so she knows a bunch of dirt on all of them. She’s been back in the States for a few months. She and her wife split up around the same time Nate and I did, but they were married and had a house they had to sell and all that. It seemed pretty tough to sort out that many years.” “Was that part of why you wanted to stay friends with Nate and keep your house? Because of what you saw her go through?” “Yeah, maybe. That and you know, I didn’t want to not have him in my life because he means so much to me. This might sound weird, but, once he and Mitchell got together it was kind of a relief. Like we’d be friends and it would be okay.” “You weren’t jealous at all?” Derrick wasn’t friends with his exes. Though he did have to work with people he’d had sex with now and again, but that was different. “I didn’t say that….” Ryan smiled “I was super jealous and hurt. It was hard to be around them in the beginning. It’s still a challenge to balance what to tell Marc about my time down here.” With that, he turned on to their quiet street. “I didn’t say it isn’t weird, it’s just the weird that is my reality.” Parking the car, he said, “You ready to meet the fam?”

“Here I thought meeting your parents was going to be tough, but this is something else.” Derrick was a little nervous, he hoped Nate was as nice as Ryan kept saying he was. Ryan still seemed very vested in everyone else’s relationships and determined to all get along. What if he didn’t like Nate? How would that work? He wasn’t convinced that given a choice, Ryan would choose him over Nate. Trying to put those thoughts aside, he said, “Let’s go!” They walked up to the front door and could hear everyone in the back, so Ryan used his key to open the door to Nate and Mitchell’s place. “Hello. We’re here!” As they put their bags by the stairs, Nate walked around the corner wiping his hands on a kitchen towel. “Hey. Welcome home. I’m glad you’re both here. There’s still lots of food if you’re hungry.” Smiling, he put his hand out to meet Derrick. “Hi. You must be Derrick. I’m Nate. It’s very nice to meet you. Welcome.” Ryan put his hand on Derrick’s back and smiled as Derrick reached out to shake hands, “Hi Nate. It’s nice to meet you too. I’ve heard a lot about you. Your home is lovely and very welcoming.” Leaning in a little, Nate whispered, “Kinda weird story, huh?” Smiling, he pulled back and waved his hand. “Come on, meet everyone else.” He waited a second, then said, “You mind if I hug him hello?” “No, that’s fine.” Derrick smiled as it seemed Nate was trying to make him feel comfortable. “That’s it though.” He said pretending to have a stern look of his face. “Okay.” Nate reached out to hug Ryan. “Hey Ryan, how are ya babe?” After about a year, Nate decided to go back to calling Ryan ‘babe’. It seemed to be okay with both of them. “I’m good. It’s good to be home.” Ryan hugged him and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. “Everyone out back?” “Yep. Let’s get you guys some food and drinks first.” Nate walked back into the kitchen where Mitchell already had two glasses out. “Derrick, this is Mitch, though everyone else calls him Mitchell.” Nate pulled two plates out.

“Hi.” Derrick walked over to where Mitchell was with the glasses and put out his hand. This was weirder than he’d first considered for a totally different reason. He was meeting the original Dr. Clark. He looked exactly the way Marc described him in the books. Or maybe he should think of it as Dr. Clark looked like him, or something. Different from CJ, but similar to what he thought Dr. Clark looked like when he read the first book so many years ago. Weird. “Which do you prefer?” “Mitchell is good. Nice to meet you. Can I get you some wine?” Mitchell had a bottle in his hand so couldn’t shake his hand, plus he’d kind of become a hugger. “Let me pour this first. Ryan, hon, wine?” “Thanks Mitchell, yes.” Ryan was walking toward the doorway to say hi to Paola, Sergio and Akemi. “Hey guys!” Derrick just smiled as everyone got up and started to walk in to say ‘hi’ to him. He had met Sergio and Akemi in New York, they gave him hugs and Gracie gave him a kiss. He shook Paola’s hand before giving her a hug too. As he stood there, the other characters from the books came to him. That part hadn’t really crossed his mind when he met Sergio. But, now all together, yeah. He took the wine from Mitchell as Nate asked them about food preferences. Sergio and Akemi asked Ryan and Derrick how things were going in Manhattan. It was like a big family reunion of sorts, just a different kind of family. After about an hour of chatting, they were all talking and catching up. Nate had put their plates at the breakfast bar so Derrick and Ryan could sit down and eat. Everyone else lingered around them in the kitchen, eating some more food, drinking some more wine. Relaxed as if they did this every weekend. Slowly they moved into the family room to sit down. Ryan sat down next to Derrick and put an arm around Derrick’s waist. Everyone was talking as if Derrick was always a part of the family. Ryan whispered in his ear, “See why I love them so much?” Derrick smiled and kissed Ryan on the cheek. “Yes, they are all very welcoming and warm people. It’s really an inviting place to be. Thanks for bringing me along.” “I’m glad you are here to meet everyone. I’m sorry it took me so long to invite you to come down with me.” Pulling him in closer, Ryan kissed Derrick back. “I

don’t know why I didn’t think of it earlier.” “Come on, let’s sit outside. It’s still nice out there.” Sergio started to walk outside again, of course it was colder to those that didn’t live in London, but it was nice. “It doesn’t seem to get dark here as early.” This led to conversation about the Earth’s route around the sun and what latitude Silver Spring was compared to London or parts of Alaska and what they would be like. It just went on, with everyone talking together and in little side conversations. After a while, they headed back inside. It was getting late for Sergio and Akemi since they were still on England time, so they were going to bed for the night. Paola was going to stay in Nate and Mitchell’s guest room since nobody wanted her to walk home alone. Ryan and Derrick were staying at April and Gordon’s with Sergio and Akemi, though that decision was a little weird. Stay in the house you used to own with your ex? Or stay in the house your ex now owns with someone else? Somehow, not being in the same house as Nate and Mitchell seemed better. They all joked about it and how weird it all was, then Ryan and Derrick took their bags next door. “It is getting kinda late, so maybe we should just make plans for tomorrow? Breakfast over here?” Mitchell wanted to spend as much time with everyone as he could. “We’ll make pancakes and stuff.” “One thing about having a toddler around is that we always have lots of options for breakfast.” Nate smiled as he leaned his elbows on the breakfast bar, looking out into the family room. “Whatever everyone wants. Though, if it’s pancakes, Ryan should make them. His are better than mine, so I’ve been told.” “They are pretty good.” Derrick had to agree. They were delicious. “I’d be happy to.” Ryan had smiled at Nate. He was always trying to remind Ryan of how good he was at things. It was nice and he kinda didn’t need to do that anymore. “Yeah, that’s sounds great. But I’d like to get this one to bed now.” Sergio and Akemi had been eying each other over the last hour, so it was time for bed. They had 7 more days of consistent sex before Akemi would be back in London, so they were going to take every opportunity to be together. “Good night.” Everyone yelled at them and laughed.

“We’ll walk next door with you guys.” Ryan went to the hall to get their bags. “We should settle in too.” That left Paola, Mitchell and Nate in the kitchen. “Those two.” Paola just shook her head. “Well, they have a point, so I’m going to put myself to bed as well.” Mitchell and Nate smiled at each other. “Not what I mean guys.” Paola walked toward the guest room. “Do I still have extra clothes here?” “Yep. In the closet and I hope you always do.” Mitchell walked to her with a big hug and a kiss. “Good night. Love you.” “Good night guys. I love you too.” Nate was still leaning with his elbows on the counter, playing with a wine cork as Mitchell walked back. “Wanna watch a movie, or go to bed, or talk about stuff?” Mitchell sat at the bar and took Nate’s hands in his. “I should clean up, put this stuff away.” Nate started to look around the kitchen. He usually put stuff away as the evening progressed so there wouldn’t be a big clean up. Since Derrick and Ryan were coming later, he didn’t want to put away dinner until they had a chance to eat, leaving a lot to do now. Mitchell pulled Nate around the bar and pulled him in. “I’ll clean up. You go get ready for bed and I’ll see you up there.” With a kiss, Mitchell said, “Go. You did a lot today and you owe me from earlier.” Nate smiled and kissed him back as he put his arms on Mitchell’s shoulders. “Okay. Thank you, Mitch. I’ll see you upstairs.” He walked up the stairs, turning once to smile seductively at Mitchell as Mitchell got up and started to put away the food. After a few minutes, he heard the glass door open.

“Hey Mitchell?” Ryan walked in with some glasses that were left outside. “Yeah Ryan. What’s up?” Mitchell was just rinsing dishes and putting them in the dishwasher. “Derrick seems great. Did he have a good time with all of us crazy people?” “Yeah, I think he felt very welcome. Thank you.” Ryan walked up to the counter and handed over the glasses. “Do you think it’s too late for us to go for a swim?” “No, go right ahead.” Mitchell smiled at Ryan as he put the wine bottle on the counter. “Just in case you’re still thirsty.” “Thank you, Mitchell. Okay, cool. We’ll try to keep in down.” Ryan started to walk out with two glasses and the bottle of wine. “See you tomorrow!” Mitchell just had to laugh at how great the evening was. Having everyone there was wonderful, even if it took away some of his alone time with Nate. It was worth it to have time with this family. After he put all the food away, he started to walk upstairs. It was kind of dark, so he wasn’t sure if Nate had fallen asleep or something. “Nate? You still awake?” “In here.” Mitchell heard Nate’s voice from their bedroom, but the lights were off. As he started to flip the lights on he said, “Nate, why are you in the dark?” Then Nate frantically replied, “Turn ‘em off!” “What? Why?” As he walked in he could see Nate by the edge of the window, looking outside….at the pool. “Nate! Are you spying on your ex and his new beau?” “Shhh. Keep it down. Come here and see why.” Nate was holding the curtains open a little at the edge of the window as he beckoned Mitchell over. “I mean I know he’s a professional dancer, but my god.” “What Nate, is he really that….” Mitchell walked over and then looked outside to see Derrick standing on the edge of pool in some very sexy trunks before

diving in. “Wow. Good job Ryan.” “Mitchell J. Davis.” “What? I’m not the one that started this.” Mitchell laughed as he wrapped his arms around Nate’s waist. “He’s an extremely attractive man.” “I just can’t take my eyes away.” Nate was watching him in awe of Derrick’s muscular build. “Wow is right.” They stood there for a moment just watching, then Mitchell started kissing Nate’s neck very slowly. “What is in your head right now?” “What is this? Lady Chatterley’s Pool Fantasy?” “Yes. Tell me or turn around and kiss me.” Mitchell moved his hand down the front of Nate’s pants, just to see how turned on he was by this guy. “Seems you’re ready for anything.” A long sigh from Nate as Mitchell’s hand moved under his pants got him to let go of the curtain and bring his arms up around Mitchell’s neck. “What do you have in mind?”

Out at the pool, Ryan and Derrick were enjoying their time together. They were just relaxing with their glasses of wine, swimming around and talking about the evening. Derrick was surprised how comfortable it was, given how everyone knew each other and where they were. He was glad he’d met them and felt more comfortable with Ryan’s relationship with Nate. They chatted and horsed around and relaxed some more. After a while, they started to swim closer together and Derrick reached out to Ryan. As Ryan swam over to Derrick, he reached out toward his waist and pulled him towards him with a kiss. The taste of chlorine mixed with wine started to wear off and they could only taste each other’s lips. As their tongues slid around each other, their kisses got more intense. Their hands moved higher up each other’s backs, which pulled them closer together. They kissed as they moved closer to the edge of the pool, against the wall, to a place where they could touch the bottom. Ryan’s arms went over Derrick’s shoulders and he wrapped his arms

around his neck. Leaning down to kiss Ryan’s neck and shoulders, Derrick moved his hands to Ryan’s butt and pulled him closer so Ryan could feel how much he wanted him. Ryan was so lost in pleasure that he forgot where he was for a moment. He really loved Derrick and trusted him to take care of him. He closed his eyes as Derrick’s tongue slid along up to his chin. With a sigh, Ryan relaxed into Derrick’s arms. But then stopped. “What’s wrong Ryan?” Derrick pulled back a little, but didn’t let go of him. “Oh, Derrick. It’s just….” “Weird to kiss in your ex’s pool?” “No, oddly. That’s not it.” Thinking for a moment, “That’s kinda weird that I don’t think it’s weird to have sex in Nate’s pool. What’s that about? Maybe it should be….” “Ryan.” “Yes?” “That’s not what we were talking about. What is it?” He still leaned down and kissed Ryan’s shoulders. “It’s just. I was thinking about how great this all feels and how sexy it all is, us in the pool, kissing and it reminded me of that scene with Ray and Basil in Just as I Am. And then I felt like I’m so racist for thinking that.” “Ryan. Why do you think you’re racist?” He laughed a little because it just seemed to be happening a lot lately. “I don’t know. I just don’t know why I thought about a book with….” “With black gay men? Because I’m a black man who is gay, maybe?” “Yeah, but if it doesn’t really matter to me, then why do I think about it?” “Are you saying it’s because you thought I didn’t want to kiss you? If I

, that’s what happens in the pool scene.” “Well, no.” “Because you think all black gay men are liars?” “Oh my god no.” “Because Basil is super fine and so am I?” “Well, kind of, but he was horrible, so no.” “So, you think I have a girlfriend and I don’t want to see you in public.” “No.” He just couldn’t explain. “Ryan. Darling. How many references to black gay men do you have?” “Well, those books, James Baldwin and Noah’s Arc, then that other movie with Darryl Stephens and his roommate the prostitute. He is so hot in that movie. But there aren’t any pool scenes. I mean the hot tub thing in the Noah’s Arc movie, but that doesn’t really count. Oh, does that lesbian vampire book Paola let me borrow count? Gilda, I think it was called. That was pretty good, but I’m not sure…” “Ryan. I wasn’t asking for a list. My point is, you don’t have a lot of references to pull from and I know you relate real life and fiction.” “Yeah, but…” “Look, I appreciate that you acknowledge we are different and everything. I know you recognize people see us differently and that’s not bad. I’ve really enjoyed talking with you about this stuff. Appreciating that our lives are different is just true. But let’s not let it stop us from having a good time.” He leaned in and kissed Ryan, who kissed him back. They started to kiss again. They could feel how much they wanted to be together. “It’s just that I worry about it.” Ryan stopped. Pulling away, his gaze shifted down.

Derrick used his fingers to move Ryan’s chin up so he could look him in the eye. “I’ve noticed. What’s up lately? It seems like you’ve been worrying about it a lot more since we got back from Connecticut. Did something happen that you didn’t tell me? Ryan, what is it?” “Oh Derrick. I just didn’t think it would be a big deal, you know? I always thought my family was so open minded and progressive, but….” Derrick pulled Ryan in closer, just to reassure him that he didn’t think his family’s issues were necessarily Ryan’s. “My uncles said some things when they didn’t know I was around the corner. They don’t approve and not because we’re both men.” Ryan looked like he was going to cry, so Derrick held him close. “Ryan, what if I tell you I have family that feels the same. Does that make me a racist?” “No. I don’t think that means you think the same way. Or that it would make you a racist or anything.” Derrick just smiled. “There are going to be people that don’t like us for lots of reasons. Because we’re gay, we’re an interracial couple, we’re New Yorkers, lots.” This made Ryan laugh and smile. “I don’t think you are racist Ryan. I get that you’re worried that you have deep rooted racist thoughts because of your upbringing, so how about this: If I think you are doing or saying something racist, I’ll tell you about it and we can talk about it. Okay?” “Okay.” Ryan just kinda slumped down. “I’m sorry Derrick. I ruined the moment.” “Yeah, I don’t think so.” He pulled Ryan in and kissed him. Letting them pick up where they left off. “Though, speaking of pool scenes. Did I ever tell you about how I ended up talking to Serge about you that night we meet at the reading? He called way later in the evening, and I told him…” When Ryan started talking, Derrick thought to just kiss him and bring him back to what they were doing. But then it was about him, so he had to know more.

“You told Sergio you met me that night at the reading? When? How? Weren’t you on a date with that guy? Scott?” “Yeah. If you say it that way, it makes me sounds like a jerk.” “Okay. Sorry, go on.” Derrick smiled on the inside. He was happy to know that Ryan had talked about him while on a date with another guy. He was trying hard not to smile big. “Anyway, I told him you had come up to talk to me at the reading and that you were a dancer. So he did his best Elizabeth Berkeley impression and said, ‘I’m a dancer’. Then he asked what kind of dancer, and we talked about why you were at the reading. Then we shared some more lines from Showgirls….” “You told him I was a stripper?” “NO. That’s what I’m saying.” He swatted Derrick in the shoulder. “I said you were a dancer and then he said…you’re making fun of me, aren’t you?” “Ryan. Darling. I want to have sex with you in this pool and not like a spastic dolphin like she does in Showgirls if that is where this going. However, you sir, keep talking.” “Fine.” After a big smile, Ryan reached out to Derrick’s cheeks and pulled him in for a kiss. “Though, I can’t believe you talked to Sergio about me while you were on a date with another guy. I must have made quite an impression.” Laughing, Ryan looked at Derrick with a smile, “Now who’s talking too much?”

3

Chelsea District, New York, New York July 2012

Coffee and a cookie were still Marc’s favorite way to the time. He could judge a new city by its coffee and cookies. Being back in New York for almost two years now, he was able to sample a lot of coffee and cookies. A leisure Sunday with the paper was good too. Waking up to the smell of coffee, stretched out on the couch with the paper folded up on his lap, even better. The best, waking up, smell of coffee, cookies on the table, paper on his lap and strong arms around his chest. The start of a wonderful day. Previously, Sundays at his boyfriend’s, CJ Stavros, started in the afternoon because they had stayed out all of Saturday night into the next morning. They included greasy food and a little hair of the dog, not coffee and cuddling on the couch. Things were changing in their lives, for the best. As Marc’s eyes opened slowly, a smile came over his face. The strong legs on either side of his contracted, holding him close. Stretching his arms up over his head, his back pressed up again CJ’s chest, caressing him as he stretched. “Hey.” His head found that perfect spot between CJ’s shoulder and neck as he pulled his arms closer to him. “How long have I been sleeping?” His fingers ran through CJ’s hair as his hand stretched behind him. “Just two episodes of Lost Girl.” Holding Marc close, CJ shifted little to prevent his leg from falling asleep. “Oh. Did I miss any naked Dyson scenes?” They were caught up with the season but enjoyed watching them again. “Nah. It was mainly Bo.” CJ’s fingers spread across Marc’s chest as he leaned closer to Marc’s ear to whisper, “Did you have a nice nap, birthday boy?” Soft lips on Marc’s cheek distracted him from the words. It was a wonderful birthday weekend so far. They decided to stay in, relax at home, enjoy some

quiet. A year had ed since Marc’s big party at the bar where CJ told him he loved him. The same night that CJ tried to make up for the past two birthdays that had not gone so well for Marc. It had been two years since Mitchell itted to almost having sex with Nate after Sergio nearly died in a car accident. Three years since he had left Mitchell because Mitchell put pressure on him to have kids, but for whatever reason, he kept going back to him. Not anymore. This year was going to be different. They had taken things one step at a time, no rushing into things. No moving in together. They still kept their own apartments, with equal time spent at each and few nights alone. Filming for the next season was over and they had time to relax before Marc had to start working on the new season’s scripts. The back and forth to Cardiff had also involved time in London, Paris, Berlin, Prague. With a few days off here and there, they travelled all over Europe. They travelled well together, enjoyed their time and didn’t worry too much about the future. “I did.” Curling up, Marc fingers wrapped around CJ’s bicep, pulling him closer. “Do you want to get up or stay here?” “Here is perfect.” Kisses continued across Marc’s skin. “But, it’s up to you.” Snuggling closer to CJ, Marc lifted his head a little, so he could look CJ in the eye. “Thank you for a great weekend Chris.” Sometimes Marc would call CJ by his full Greek name, Christos Jackovos. Sometimes, he’d call him Chris. Rarely did he call him CJ since that his stage name. They had bonded over being asked by agents to modify their real names to sound less ethnic. His hand moved up to brush CJ’s cheek, then his fingers spread out along his neck to pull him in for a kiss. “Do you want to stay home all day?” Kisses continued as he spoke. “We can hang out here or we can go to the High Line and have lunch?” “Hum, that’s sounds nice too. Maybe we can see how the day goes?” Lying back down against CJ’s chest, Marc held the arms that held him tight and closed his eyes again. This birthday was so much better than the last few, he didn’t want to risk it by going outside. It seemed like less could go wrong if they stayed right there on the couch. No live TV, no entertainment news, no Facebook or email. They had both turned their phones off last night once Marc’s mom had called to say, ‘Happy Birthday’. He warned her that he was shutting off his phone just in case she tried to call him. He didn’t want her to worry. No outside world to ruin

the day this year. “Whatever you want to do Marcos.” It was a lovely day for being together. CJ appreciated Marc’s desire to keep his own space. He ed Marc’s need to spend the weekend writing at his place. They had their own time, it was okay. It made Marc happy, which was what CJ really wanted. “Maybe we stay here a little longer.” Marc fell back to sleep and would awake again with CJ’s arms around him. After more napping, Marc slowly moved his legs to stretch. They had spent most of the afternoon lounging around, watching TV. It seemed like too much to put on real clothes and go outside. Couldn’t they stay right there forever? He could feel CJ start to stir, he must have fallen asleep too. Hearing a sigh behind him, Marc stretched a little. “Hey Chris?” “Hum. Yeah?” Keeping his eyes closed, he slowly started to wake up. “You hungry?” Marc snuggled in closer. “A little.” He pulled Marc closer to his chest. “Wanna order in? I don’t really feel like leaving the house?” Slowly CJ’s hand moved down across Marc’s stomach to the top of his pajama pants. “Maybe we can order some food online? Then, we don’t have to talk to anyone.” “That sounds like a great idea.” CJ started to look around for a tablet or something. Turning over, Marc leaned up again CJ’s chest, looking him in the eye. “As long as the food takes more than 45 minutes. I think I have something else I’d like to do first.” Leaning in to kiss CJ, Marc pressed himself up against him. His lips moved to CJ’s neck as he felt strong hands hold his sides. “We’re going to have to turn on an internet device to order.” “True. What do you want to do?” CJ’s hand came up to hold Marc’s cheek. His fingers softly moved across Marc’s skin. “Maybe I have something here. Though, I’d really like what’s right in front of

me.” His lips caressed CJ’s as he kissed him ionately. Taking their time now, they weren’t in a rush. “Let’s do this first, then decide.” Holding Marc’s cheeks in his hands, CJ held him close as their lips touched softly. Now, there was a change in the tone surrounding how they spent their time. It was still exciting and ionate. Sometimes it was aggressive and sometimes it was slow and seductive. Today, CJ took his time before removing Marc’s tank top. Fingers slid around skin before his lips and tongue explored the surface of Marc’s shoulder. Then the other shoulder. Finally, he pulled the bottom of Marc’s tank up over his head, leaning in to kiss his chest. It might be more than 45 minutes before they decided what to eat.

4

Potomac/Silver Spring, Maryland 2012

Driving up to the school, Nate could see his adorable four year old son, Seth, sitting with his legs dangling from the bench under a big tree. After seeing a ‘not so scary’ episode of Doctor Who, Seth decided bowties were cool and he wanted to wear one all the time, with a collared shirt or not. A dinosaur t-shirt, a bowtie, little Converse shoes, and his backpack on, his legs were swinging as he looked down. Pulling up in front of the school, Nate put the car in park and started to open the door to go get Seth. Looking over at Seth, he was already off the bench and running to the car. “Hi little one.” Nate bent down as Seth ran into his arms for a big hug. “Are you okay?” Seth’s head was snuggled into Nate’s shoulder. Figuring that maybe someone made fun of his bowtie or something, Nate asked again. “Wanna tell me what happened?” “Can we just go home?” Seth was still holding on tight. “Sure, let’s go.” Helping Seth get into his car seat in the back, Nate kissed Seth on the head before buckling him in. “Will you tell me what happened on the way?” “Maybe.” “Okay. No pressure. Let’s go home.” Getting into the car himself now, Nate sat down expecting a story about something seemingly small, but important to a little kid. Starting the car, Nate looked at Seth through the rearview mirror and said, “Do you feel like telling me now, or do you want to wait until we get home.”

Seth was still looking down at his shoes, with his lower lip out a little, he shook his head ‘no’. “Okay, you tell me when you’re ready. Want to listen to the radio?” Another ‘no’ headshake. “Okay little one.” Smiling a little, Nate drove them towards their house in silence. After driving for a little bit, they were back in their neighborhood when Seth finally spoke up. “Daddy?” “Yes Seth?” Nate checked in the rearview mirror to see if Seth was looking up yet, he wasn’t. “What does faggot mean?” Seth’s lower lip still out, his legs swung a little, then stopped. This was not what Nate thought the problem was going to be. This was not the topic he thought they’d discuss. This was not what he was prepared for at all. Taking a deep breath, Nate thought of the best way to discuss this. Thinking quickly, he also tried to consider what shops were around. This seemed like a conversation that he should be sitting down for and not driving. “Well, Seth, technically it’s a bundle of sticks. But it has been used other ways. Can you tell me where you heard it?” “A boy at school said I was sick because my dad is a faggot.” Seth’s eyes got teary and he looked like he was going to cry. “He said no one should play with me because they would get it too.” “Seth, honey. I’m going to pull over, but it’s not because you are in trouble or I am mad at you or anything, okay?” Pulling into a strip mall with frozen yogurt store, Nate knew he shouldn’t be driving for this and Seth needed some cheering up. Nate couldn’t believe anyone would say that. “Yeah, okay.” Parking the car, Nate got out of the front seat and sat in the back so he could look at Seth. Trying to figure out what to say, he thought being honest was the

best. Unbuckling the belt on Seth’s car seat, Nate reached out to hold his hand. “Seth. I’m sorry that someone said that to you. Some people use that term to be derogatory…” Realizing that wasn’t a word Seth knew, thankfully, he thought of something more clear, “to be mean when talking about people like me or Uncle Mitchell, or Uncle Ryan. It’s because they aren’t very kind when it comes to things they don’t understand.” “Okay.” “No, it’s not okay. They shouldn’t say things like that to you. Did you tell the teacher?” “No. I didn’t know what it meant or if it was true, so I didn’t tell him.” “Do you mind if I talk to your teacher about this?” “I guess not.” Seth was a little teary still. “Can I have a hug?” “Yes.” Seth reached out of his seat to hug Nate. “Daddy?” “Yes Seth.” “Why are you a bundle of sticks?” ‘Well, let’s see,’ thought Nate. Would it be a good idea to tell Seth about the witch-trials and burning people alive? That seemed slightly inappropriate. Plus, he could add that an ancestor of his namesake was one of the judges, great. Should he make something up and see if it flies? Seth was so smart, it seemed like lying wouldn’t work but, telling him people used to burn homosexuals at the stake was probably worse. “Um, that word is what’s called slang in lots of places. Some places like London, where you visited a few years ago, people use the term to talk about cigarettes since you light them with fire. Since your dad is so good-looking, he’s super hot.” Nate laughed since that was the only thing he could think of. “That’s not true.” “You don’t think your dad is good-looking?”

Seth looked perplexed as he considered his options. “Daddy.” “You don’t think that’s the reason?” “No.” “Well, what if that’s the reason I prefer because it makes me feel better about myself?” “Okay Daddy. I believe you.” “Good. Do you want to get some yogurt?” “Yeah. With topping? I had a hard day.” “Sure, little one. We can do that.” Helping Seth out of his car seat, Nate wanted to make sure Seth was okay. “You feel a little better?” “I’m not sure.” “Okay. Is there something else you want to ask me?” After assisting Seth getting out of the car, they walked toward the store to get some yogurt, hand in hand. “Maybe, but not now.” Seth waited for Nate to open the door to the store, then he said thank you as he walked in and looked at the menu board. Watching Seth read all the flavors aloud, Nate smiled. Seth was such a great kid. He was so smart and caring. He didn’t want him to have to go through all this. He felt so heartbroken for what Seth had to deal with. If he could change it, he would, but how? After getting their yogurts, they sat down on a bench outside to eat. They both got the same thing and sat for a while in silence eating. Then, Seth decided to ask more questions. “Daddy?” “Yes.” “When you say people like you or Uncle Mitchell or Uncle Ryan, what do you mean?”

Yeah, okay. How to explain this. “Do you when we talked about people being romantically involved when Uncle Ryan and I stopped living in the same place?” “Yes.” “Do you how we talked about how you are a boy and I am a grown-up boy, but Mommy is a grown-up girl?” “Yes.” “Since I am romantically involved with other men and love other men, I am considered homosexual. Which is big word, isn’t it?” “It is.” Nate could see Seth start to break the word into pieces. “Because ‘homo’ means same.” Although he knew he was mixing sex and gender, he tried to figure out if he should change the way he was explaining it, but then thought he should start with this. “Uncle Mitchell and I are both men.” “Oh.” “Since Mommy is a woman and loves Gordon, who is a man, they are considered heterosexual. Because ‘hetero’ means different.” “Am I a homose-t-u-doll?” “Most people don’t know until they are older than you, but whatever you are, we all love you.” “Okay.” Pausing for a moment, Seth continued, “What is it called if you love dinosaurs?” “Well, people that love dinosaurs so much that they study them professionally are called Paleontologists. But, that is a different kind of love.” “Why? I sleep in the same bed as my dinosaurs and I kiss them goodnight.” “That is an excellent point, little one.” Nate was not ready to explain parts of

what made that different, so he thought he’d go with science. “Do you when we went to the Natural History Museum and saw different names of the dinosaurs?” “Yeah.” “Do you how many different species we saw?” “Lots.” “So, dinosaurs are different species from us, right?” “Yeah.” “Well, I’m just talking about being in love with the same species and as grownups.” “Oh. Okay.” Seth was thinking about a lot. “And you love Mommy, but aren’t momantically involved, so that’s different too.” “Right. And I kiss you goodnight and love you a lot, but it is also different.” “Okay. I get it.” How much Seth really got was a question, but he understood enough for now. “What does it have to do with sticks?” “Nothing that makes sense.” “Then why say it?” “Sometimes people say things to be mean and try to hurt your feelings.” “Do people say mean things to you, Daddy?” “Sometimes. But I surround myself with people that don’t think those things. You know, Seth, people might say mean things about me or your mom. But you should know you are lucky enough to have a loving family. Sometimes people say mean things because they don’t.” “Really?” “Yep. You have a big family that loves you a lot. Not everyone has that.”

“That’s sad for them.” “It is and it’s good to think about that when people say mean things.” Trying to clarify without making it more confusing, “Just because they say mean things doesn’t mean you should say mean things back, okay?” “Yeah, okay.” “But, it might still hurt your feelings and if it does you should tell a grown up or me or Mommy. You don’t have to be okay with them saying it either.” “Okay.” “You ready to head home now?” “Daddy?” Seth put his cup down and sat closer to Nate. “Yes.” He put his arm around him. “Why does that mean I’m sick?” “People might hear things at home and they don’t really know what they are saying too. But that is for Mommy and me to talk to their parents about.” He wanted to explain AIDS and the false idea that is was a gay disease or even started with gay men. When Seth was older he’d explain, but for now, this was enough for one day. “You aren’t and that’s why I would like to talk to your teacher. Do you feel comfortable telling me who it was that said it?” “Not right now.” “Okay. Do you feel better?” “Yeah. Thanks Daddy.” “You are welcome little one, that’s why I’m here. Anytime you want to talk, we can talk about anything.” “Even about how much I love dinosaurs?” “Especially dinosaurs!”

They sat for a while longer talking about dinosaurs. Once Nate felt calm enough to drive, he suggested they go and play with the dinosaurs at home. On the drive, Seth told Nate which student said those things and that it was okay to tell the teacher. Arriving at home, Nate set Seth up in the family room with toys and crayons, then stepped outside to call April to tell her what happened. Once she was done yelling about how awful the whole thing was, they decided Nate should call Seth’s teacher to ask for a meeting right away. Hiding his anger was tiring, so he thought it best to be outside to make the call where he could see Seth through the sliding glass doors, but Seth couldn’t hear him. As Mitchell arrived, he saw Nate’s car in the garage. Usually, Seth and Nate would go to a museum or the zoo after school, so why was his car at home? Opening the door to the family room, Mitchell saw Seth sitting on the floor, leaning on the coffee table, coloring. “Hey Seth.” “Hi Uncle Mitchell.” Not distracted by the door, Seth wanted to finish his drawing. “How was your day?” “It was good thank you.” He was such a funny little kid. “Where’s your dad?” Mitchell put his keys down and looked around. Then his eyes met Nate’s outside with a nod. “He’s on the phone outside so he can talk about grown up stuff with Mommy without me hearing about it.” Seth looked up at Mitchell, “This time, I can’t listen to them.” “Oh. Okay.” There was a conversation between them were Seth revealed that he would pretend to be sleeping so he could hear what Nate and April were saying. Unfortunately, he would frequently be sleeping in parts, so he didn’t always have the full story. It was cute and probably safer that Nate was outside. Sitting down on the couch, Mitchell thought he’d see how Seth’s day was going and maybe get part of the story as to why Nate was outside on the phone with April. “What are you drawing?” “I’m drawing a picture of dinosaurs for Daddy. He helped me today.” “He did? What did he do?” Looking out at Nate, Mitchell grew more concerned. Nate looked nervous, or anxious or something. Something was wrong. “Well.” Still focused on the drawing, “A boy at school said I was sick and said

Daddy was sticks, but he just said that because he doesn’t have a loving family like I do. Or, he heard something mean his parents said. It’s okay to be upset by it, but I should tell a grown-up next time. This time, Daddy is calling my teacher for me because I didn’t feel up to talking to him earlier today. I didn’t know what to do before. But now I do. I feel better too.” “Oh. That’s quite a day you had.” Mitchell was trying to interpret what Seth just said. Sticks? “So, your dad told you that kid said it just to be mean?” “Yeah. Daddy said people shouldn’t use the word because it’s derm… dermogotory.” “Oh.” Dermogotory?….Derogatory. A derogatory word that means sticks, a bundle of… “Ooooh.” Oh crap, that was more than bad, that was horrible. Poor little Seth. And to say he was sick. The other kid couldn’t have meant that he had… but what else would it mean? Horrible. And yet, Nate seemed so calm. However, Nate frequently seemed calm in a crisis. “Uncle Mitchell?” “Yes Seth.” Seth put his crayons down for a second and looked up at Mitchell. “Has anyone said things to you to be mean?” Where to start? Should he explain that his family has said mean things? That he was kicked out of his childhood home at 17 for being a ‘bundle of sticks’? That they disowned him and now they didn’t talk to him? That regardless of his successes, he didn’t feel like he had a biological family anymore? “Unfortunately, yes Seth. People have called me that word too.” “I’m sorry.” Seth walked around the table and gave him a hug. “Those people are not very nice. It’s okay to be upset, but don’t let it get to you.” Smiling, “Okay, Seth. I’ll that for next time.” “Good.” He went back to coloring after letting go. “You should know we have a loving family so we will be okay.” Smiling, Nate must have told Seth that part. What a good dad. “Hey Seth, do you

mind if I step outside for a moment?” “No, that’s fine. Are you going to check on Daddy?” “Yes. I want to check on him too.” Standing up, Mitchell messed up Seth’s cute curls. “That’s good. I think he could use a hug.” Seth kept coloring with a smile. “I’ll let him know you said that.” Opening the door, he stepped outside with sympathetic eyes and a small smile. Nate’s eyebrows raised as he shook his head before whispering, “One second.” “You okay?” Reaching out, Mitchell laid his hand on Nate’s wrist. Nodding ‘yes’, Nate said into the phone. “If we can talk in person tomorrow, that would be best. I can come in when I drop Seth off….Great… Thank you…See you then.” After hanging up, “Oh my god.” “You sure you’re okay?” Mitchell’s other hand reached out to hug Nate. “Yeah, I feel better now. Did Seth tell you what happened?” “In his own Seth way, but I figured it out. That is just incredible and horrible. What’s wrong with this kid?” “You should have heard April swear when I told her what happened. She wants to pull him out of the school, but I told her we should talk to his teacher and the principal first. Last time, we switched his preschool, but he was younger then. Not that he’s that old now, but now he understands more…” “This happened before?” “Yeah, but it was about him being of mixed race. A parent didn’t want him in the same play group as her kids. Can you believe that? In this day and age? Seth didn’t know why he switched schools then, it wasn’t said in front of him. But we knew. I didn’t like that place anyway. The first time I went to pick him up, they didn’t believe I was his dad.” Looking into the family room, Seth was just drawing contentedly as if nothing happened. Nate shook his head, “But this time

was different. It was said to him. That poor kid has so many reasons people might be mean to him. His teacher said they were talking about Freddie Mercury because it was his birthday. They all danced around to some Queen songs. The kid must have gone home and told his parents or something. I have a meeting with him tomorrow.” “Sounds like a progressive school. Why would homophobic people even send their kid there?” “I don’t know. Maybe they live close by? Or they are a member of Congress?” Nate’s mind was spinning. This was not what was supposed to happen. Looking into the house, Seth was just coloring away. “Sometimes, I wonder if I should have thought this through more, you know? I mean….” Rubbing a tear away, “Why didn’t I think about what his life would be like? April had talked about it with me when we first started talking about the whole thing, but I really didn’t listen to her enough. You know sometimes I just make a decision and go with it. I don’t really think about the consequences.” “I know Nate. But, it’s part of your charm.” Moving in together, the house, the yard, the pool, the marathons. It was all Nate just ‘making a decision’. Most of the time, Mitchell was happy to go along for the ride. “Being of mixed race. Parents aren’t together, and never will be together since his dad is a homosexual and all. That’s a lot for a kid to understand. How’s he going to explain this to other kids?” “Nate, you and April are great parents that have provided a loving home. Two loving homes. Not everyone has even one of those. Which Seth just told me is why people say mean things. Because they don’t have loving homes and so we shouldn’t be mean back. Good job, by the way.” Nate was still looking at Seth, so Mitchell gently put his hand on Nate’s cheek turning his gaze to look each other in the eye, “You are a wonderful father, Nate.” “Thanks Mitch. I hope so. He is such a great kid.” “Let’s go spend time with him. You can tell me later how you explained the bundle of sticks thing.” “Oh, God. That was not the conversation I thought we were going to have today. I don’t know if I said anything that made sense. I was trying not to be angry, but

just stay calm and explain what I could.” Opening the sliding door, Mitchell said, “You did a good job.” A kiss on the cheek, ended the conversation for now. “Daddy! I finished the drawing for you! It’s you and me and a dinosaur.” Sitting down on the floor next to Seth, Nate put his arm around his son. “That’s great little one. Thank you.” There were hearts all over the picture too. “I like the dinosaur’s bowtie. Very stylish.” “Thank you, Daddy. There are hearts all over because we all love each other.” Sitting back on the couch, Mitchell watched Nate and Seth talk about dinosaurs. Seth might have struggles ahead, but he had a big family that loved him. That was the best thing he could ask for. As long as they stuck together, Seth would be okay. He had to believe that was the case.

Seeing as April, Nate and Gordon all worked at the NIH, their work hours were flexible and similar. They could check each other’s online calendars to see if there were meetings or anything that might be important for their child’s schedule. Co-parenting between two houses was a balance, even if the houses were next door. The benefit was that there always someone who could pick up Seth from school, take him to swimming or piano, things like that. On the days it was Nate’s turn, April and Gordon stayed late to compensate for days one of them left early. Although Seth’s day at school had been difficult, Seth seemed to be okay over the phone, so April decided to keep the later hours. It seemed best to let him stay at Nate and Mitchell’s and try not to make too big of a deal about it for Seth. It was a huge deal to them and trying to figure out what to do next would take some planning. Getting home after Seth was asleep in bed, April and Nate decided to talk outside on the deck. Over a glass or two of wine, they talked about what happened and how best to talk to Seth’s teacher. They were good parents. Seth was loved all around. Yet, there were a lot of aspects to consider in a crisis. As they talked about how to discuss this issue with Seth’s teacher, another issue arose.

“What do you mean, we need to reschedule because Gordon wants to be there and he has a meeting tomorrow?” Nate was sitting with his elbows on his knees, swirling his wine. Seth having a biological dad that lives next door and a dad that has been with them since Seth was a baby was often beneficial. But, sometimes it was hard to take everyone’s feelings into . April could only make decisions she thought was best for her son. “He wants to be there to talk to the teacher and he can’t be there in the morning.” “But, this has to do with me, April. Why does he need to be there?” “I know, Nate. He wants to be involved. Please try to be understanding about this.” “I am trying.” Now that Seth was going to school, there were more compromises to make. Who goes to back to school night? Parent/teacher conferences? There were also things like Christmas. What if out of town family invited them to visit? Which family gets priority? With a deep sigh, April was also torn. In this situation, she could see Nate’s point, which was why she originally thought it would be best if Nate talked to the teacher when he dropped Seth off at school. And yet, lately things with Gordon were more difficult. He wasn’t always on board with the amount of time Seth was spending next door. She wanted to be sure Seth spent time with Nate. Gordon’s concerns had not come up in conversation with Nate because she was fairly certain she knew Nate wouldn’t take it that well. “It’s not that I don’t see your point, Nate. I do. I appreciate that you didn’t just rush back to the school and waited until you talked to me. But, Gordon is his dad too. He’s worry about him. That’s all.” “April.” With his eyebrows pinched together, he knew he didn’t have to say more. “Nate.” Wide eyes, implying, ‘please’. “I don’t like the idea that Seth has to be back in the classroom with this kid without talking to his teacher. Earlier, you sounded like you wanted to pull him out of school. Again.”

“I know. I did. And, I know we switched his pre-school because those parents were awful. But, now, it’s different. Gordon and I were talking on the way home from work and he asked that we wait.” “Is that why he didn’t say much tonight?” “Yeah. I tried to talk to him in the car, but…” “What’s going on, really April. This seems like more.” “Oh Nate.” She leaned back on the chair and put her feet up on the table. “I don’t know. Things have been a little more difficult lately. It was easier when you lived with us.” “I’m not really sure what you mean.” Nate wasn’t always the best at reading people, so it seemed better to ask. “I don’t know. He isn’t always happy when I say Seth is staying with you guys.” “Why? We’re just next door?” Too bad Nate never liked Gordon. This would be easier if he could understand what April saw in him to begin with. “I know. I’m not sure what’s going on.” She was looking at the stars. It was a little cold, but it was good to talk to Nate. Like the old days before Seth was born. Even the days when he was a little baby, Nate and April would stay up talking, just rocking him to sleep. Who knew this is how things would play out? Partially kidding and partially not, Nate asked, “Should I get another bottle of wine?” Laughing a little, April knew she should go talk to Gordon. “No. But, let’s talk more at dinner on Wednesday.” They had a regular dinner date each week to talk about Seth. That seemed to indicate that Nate’s opinion was important to April, but why hadn’t they talked about Gordon’s feeling before? “Okay. I’m not sure what to say now. It seems like we need to talk about more than just this incident.” “You are probably right. But, I can’t do it now.” She looked across the table where their eyes met. “Let me talk to Gordon tonight and see if we can have two

meetings. Keep it short in the morning, just your concerns about the rest of the day. Then we can schedule a more detailed meeting later. Cool?” “Yeah. I can do that. I don’t want to cause trouble for you and Gordon.” “I know that too. I know he’s also your son and you want to be sure he’s protected. I’ll explain that part.” “I hate that you are in the middle this way.” “Me too, but for now, that’s what we have.” Talking to Nate was so much easier than talking to Gordon of late. Gordon was acting different since Sergio moved to town. If she could only get him to tell her what was going on. “Well, let’s call it a night.” Standing up, he put out his hand for April, “Wanna check on him before you go inside?” Replying with a smile, “Yes.” Together, they went upstairs to check on Seth. Quietly, they opened the door and peeked inside Seth’s room. He was asleep, holding his dinosaur with his little arms. Peacefully sleeping away, unaware of the challenges ahead for all of them. She put her arm around Nate’s waist, to which he reciprocated with an arm around her shoulder. “He’s a wonderful kid, Nate. Our son is a wonderful kid.” “He sure is April.” “I’m glad you’re his dad.” With that, Nate looked at April with a smile. It was easier when it was just the two of them and their son. But, that is not how life works.

5

Silver Spring, Maryland November 2012

Considering how much time they spent apart, relaxing on the couch was a great way to spend Sergio’s birthday. Sergio had his head on Akemi’s chest, arms around his waist as they watched something silly. Akemi played with Sergio’s hair. It had all been shaved off when he had the accident, but now it was back to its long, luscious length. He had to it, he liked that it was back along with their adventurous sex life. Being apart meant they were free to sleep with other people, but they didn’t talk about it. Instead, they talked about their respective jobs, their friends, their families. The long-distance thing wasn’t really working for them emotionally. The struggles they had before were never really resolved, so the distance made it harder to address. Now that Akemi’s sister had the baby, he could come to visit, but only for a short time. It was Sergio’s birthday weekend and they decided to stay in, just them. Akemi was staying until Thanksgiving, that was about all the time he could get off. Somewhere in that time they should talk, but they hadn’t. They kept putting it off. Regardless of the uncertainty, they were able to stay in the house behind Nate and Mitchell’s. Ryan bought the house, saying it was an investment. He was trying to help out people whose houses were underwater by buying them for what they owed. It was great having a big yard where they could all be together, which was Ryan’s dream. It also meant that Ryan and Derrick always had a place to stay that was a new place. Not the house he used to own with Nate or the house Nate owned with Mitchell. They all had their own house rules about privacy within their homes and understood the need for alone time. It was working out well for everyone. With Akemi in town, there were a lot of family events, but tonight was supposed to be their night. Therefore, Sergio’s phone beeping was a surprise. Reaching over to the coffee table, Sergio was trying to grab his phone. He couldn’t really get it, so Gracie got up, picked it up in her mouth and carefully handed it to him. Now that he was doing better, she had less to do, but Sergio

was finding things to keep her busy. As he looked at the phone, he laughed. “Who’s it from?” Akemi was watching the movie, playing with Sergio’s hair, enjoying the night. “Nate. It says: Just FYI. Mitchell is storming across the yard. He’s mad at me and headed your way. Put your pants on. Then a smiley face.” “Okay. Well, you let him in, find out what’s up, fix it and come back.” Akemi kissed the top of Sergio’s head. “I’m staying here.” Laughing, Sergio got up off the couch, put his pants back on, threw the blanket over Akemi and started walking toward the door to the yard. This suburban living thing was weird, but it was kinda fun. He liked having his friends nearby, a quick jaunt across the grass. Lots of dinners together and movie nights. It felt like family. As he approached the door, he saw Mitchell pacing on their patio. “Mitchell. What are you doing? It’s cold, come in.” “Hey Sergio. I’m sorry. I know it’s your date night. I should go.” “It’s cool, come in. What’s up?” “I’m just so mad at him right now. It’s so stupid. He doesn’t want to fight in front of Seth so then we can’t talk about things. I just….” He was still pacing around. “I’m just not sure what to do about it. Maybe this just isn’t working out.” “Mitchell, sit down.” Pointing to a bar stool, Sergio walked into the kitchen and got him a glass of water. “What happened?” “We spent the day at the park. When we got back from the park, he was being so stubborn about stuff that it was pissing me off. Maybe this was a mistake. I rushed into this whole thing. Maybe I should have thought this out more before moving in together…” Sitting down while he talked, he had to more in his head that needed to come out. Reaching out to Mitchell’s arm, Sergio looked at Mitchell intently. “What were you arguing about?”

Mitchell stopped and took a drink of water. Then sat there a second. “Mitchell?” Sergio took the chair next to him at their breakfast bar (all the houses were pretty much the same). He started to laugh a little. “I don’t . I just know I’m mad at him.” “Okay, let’s back up. What did you guys do today?” “We took Seth to the park and rode our bikes around. Then had a picnic and he played at the playground. There’s that great pond, so we sat and talked to him about all the birds. We’re learning all the species together, so had out our book.” “Sounds like a nice day.” Sergio knew that this was probably all in Mitchell’s head. “What happened next?” “It was, it was a great day. You know Nate has one of those little seats on the back for Seth, it’s cute. And I got those panniers to hold our picnic stuff, so we could ride around until we found the perfect spot….” Mitchell paused for a second. “I don’t know what we were arguing about…. I don’t what started it.” Watching as Mitchell shifted around on the barstool, Sergio kept asking, “Okay. What happened when you got home?” “Well, Seth was tired. So Nate was going to put him down for a nap and I asked if he was hungry…. that can’t be it.” “You think maybe you are looking for things to argue about because your life is ridiculously adorable?” Finally making eye , Mitchell looked at Sergio. “You think?” “Mitchell, are you trying to find things to fight with Nate about?” A furrowed brow led to, “Why would you say that?” “Well, honestly? I think you don’t think you have the right to be happy and so you’re trying to sabotage it.”

Oh, if only Sergio didn’t have a point. If he could just what was so important that led to him coming over…that would answer part of it. But, what was it? “Yeah, you’re probably right.” “Well, that didn’t take long. You’re getting better at this Mitchell.” Sergio patted him on the arm and smiled. “Now go, make it up to him.” “Okay, you’re right.” Yelling towards the other end of the house, “Sorry Akemi. You can have him back now.” “No problem Mitchell. Gracie and I are having a great time in here with him. Take your time.” Akemi answered from the other room. They put their TV in the front room so it wouldn’t be right off the yard. Privacy is important sometimes. Sergio walked Mitchell to the glass doors, “You know you deserve to be happy, right?” “No, but I’m trying to believe you.” Mitchell smiled a little and gave Sergio a hug. “Thanks. I like this close by thing, but I’ll try to stay out of your alone time.” “It’s okay Mitchell. I’m always here if you need me. Now go back to your lovely home and your adorable family. This is what you’ve always wanted, right? “Yeah. I guess that’s true.” Mitchell gazed across the yard at his wonderful home, with his amazing boyfriend, a little boy asleep upstairs, it was what he wanted. Considering that he should talk to Nate about how to define his role in Seth’s life, he thought maybe that was what was upsetting him? His life seemed perfect, but he was still so unsure of things. After saying goodnight, Sergio watched Mitchell walk back across the yard. As he walked into the kitchen, he grabbed two glasses of water and headed into their TV room. He had to laugh once he turned the corner because now Gracie was lying on Akemi’s lap and he was playing with her ears. With a big smile, Akemi said, “You’ve been replaced.” “I see that.” He put the glasses down and sat on the other end of the couch. “I’ll just sit over here until you two are done.” They laughed as Gracie gave them kisses and tried to snuggle with both of them.

“Maybe we should watch the rest of the movie upstairs. Then we can all fit.” Akemi was still playing with Gracie’s ears as he talked but also started to sit up. “Sounds good.” Sergio grabbed the glasses and they headed up to their bedroom. Whatever wasn’t working between them could wait until tomorrow. It was an issue that they had, why talk tonight when you can put it off until tomorrow? Even if he just told Mitchell to go talk to Nate, he wasn’t in the mood. It might not be the best in the long run, but their bed was calling them.

As Mitchell finished walking across the yard, he tried to not be too upset with himself. He was starting to realize that it didn’t help so he should try to figure out why he was so hard on himself, without being hard on himself. Things were good with Nate. Even if they did jump into living together, it seemed easy most of the time. They had a lovely, loving home that he was comfortable in. Probably more comfortable than he had been in a while. Opening their sliding glass door, he found Nate watching TV in their family room with his feet on their cushioned coffee table. Nate looked up at him. “Back so soon?” “I am. Is Seth asleep?” Mitchell started to walk around to the front of the couch. “He is. You have a nice chat with Sergio?” Nate had the remote in one hand and went back to looking at the TV. He wasn’t really watching anything. “I wasn’t sure if you still wanted me to make us dinner, or if I should wait.” “Yeah.” Mitchell sat on the couch, then laid his head on Nate’s lap, wrapping an arm around Nate’s waist. “I’m sorry Nate.” “For what?” Nate put his hand on Mitchell’s back. Turning his head to look up he said, “For trying to sabotage our relationship by starting fights about nothing.” Nate had to laugh a little, now running his fingers through Mitchell’s hair. “Why do you say that?” “Because I can’t why I was mad at you and Sergio thinks I’m trying to argue with you about things because our life is adorable.”

“Oh. Well, he has a point. Do you mean you don’t why you went over there?” With a look of embarrassment, he shrank a little. “Not really. I just being mad at you.” “You think we need to have a regular grocery schedule and you were annoyed with me because I didn’t pick up that cereal you like at the store when I went to get our picnic stuff.” “Oh, well then that makes more sense, of course I was mad. Never mind about the rest.” He turned back toward the TV, still holding on to Nate’s hip. “I’m sorry about that.” “No Mitch. Don’t be. You have a point about Seth. I’m so worried about him not having a happy life that it would probably be good for him to see how we resolve issues. He should know that sometimes people disagree but it’s okay and they work it out. Even if we aren’t great at working it out right away, it’s probably good for him to know it happens. I know I said it would be okay if we didn’t always agree.” “Maybe it’s good motivation to try to talk stuff out more?” Mitchell moved his hand to Nate’s thigh. “Try to be a good example for him.” “I also know I need to try not to shield him from things that might upset him. April keeps telling me that he has to learn about things like disappointment, but I just don’t want him to have to. His life is gonna be tough enough, you know? I just want to protect him.” After the experience with the homophobic slurs at Seth’s school, Nate was hyper-protective. “I know Nate. You’re such a good dad.” Mitchell loved how Nate talked about Seth, how cute they were together and how much he appreciated that Nate let him into their lives. Nate tried to make sure Mitchell didn’t feel like an outsider or just a babysitter to Seth, they really were a family. He had his family now; a house, a partner, a child. “Thanks Mitch. I hope so.” Nate worried about Seth a lot and whether he was growing up happy. He tried to involve all the grandparents and his sister more often. That way Seth knew he had a lot of people that loved him. He knew other people wouldn’t understand his family and would make fun of him because of it.

The school thing probably wasn’t the last time Seth would hear that type of thing. Nate tried to make sure there were a lot of people Seth knew he could lean on. He was a little distracted with thought so didn’t notice Mitchell’s hands moving. “Did you say Seth was asleep?” He knew it might be a nap and they would all eat dinner in a little bit, but there was time. “Yeah, he’s out. I put the monitor down here. That way we can hear if he wakes up, but I doubt it. He fell asleep pretty quickly.” Nate shifted his feet and hit the guide button on the TV. “Wanna see what’s on?” Mitchell’s hand was already at the top of Nate’s zipper, he just didn’t notice. “You just choose. I have something else to do. I want to apologize properly.” “Oh. Well…” Nate picked up his arms as Mitchell shifted his position on the couch allowing Mitchell access to his zipper. “You’re being a good dad is such a turn on.” Sitting up a little, he could now access what he wanted. And his fingers slowly moved around Nate’s cock. “Okay, again, I don’t know that that works for me.” Nate was sure he could get over it, but people’s daddy issues playing out in the bedroom was weird to him. “How about this: You being a caring, considerate, emotionally available person is a turn on.” Mitchell just couldn’t wait anymore; he had to taste him. His tongue licked its way up and down Nate’s hardening arousal. “Wait. Stop.” Nate couldn’t believe he was saying this, but he put his hand on Mitchell’s. “Are you sure we are done talking about this? I that you can use sex to avoid conversation and I don’t want to do that. I want us to talk stuff out.” Pulling his head up a little, but not letting go, “Can we have sex, then talk?” “No, Mitch. We should talk now. I want to make sure this works this time around.” It had only been a year and a half since they decided they were ready to get back together. It wasn’t that much time and they did move in together rather quickly.

“Aaaah, okay.” Mitchell let go and sat up. “Okay.” Turning on the couch after putting things back where they were before, Mitchell looked at Nate. Realizing the look on Nate’s face was hard to figure out, he listened. “When it comes to Seth, I’m still figuring out stuff for myself. I don’t really know what I’m doing. I just…(pause). There is so much going on with how we are handling this co-parenting stuff and I feel protective of him.” “I know Nate. I’m sorry I wasn’t more ive about this.” Mitchell wasn’t sure where he fit into Seth’s life either. He knew there was probably more happening in Nate’s head than he let on. “After this stuff with that kid in his class saying those horrible things, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Not just how to protect him from bullies or other people, but…” Keeping a hand on Nate’s leg, Mitchell looked at him sympathetically. Seeing Nate torn emotionally, not sure what to say, not sure how to respond wasn’t something familiar. There were very few times Mitchell saw Nate even get teary eyed, so watching his eyes start to water, there had to be more to this story. “Nate. You handled the stuff at his school really well. It was good you could talk to the parents and all that. Sounded like the mother was apologetic, right?” “Yeah, I think the school did what they could, but, the part about Gordon. I don’t know what to do. I mean, we have Seth right now because they are out of town. I guess, he doesn’t really want Seth staying over here as often as April and I do.” “What? When did he say that?” Shifting more on the couch, Mitchell was getting agitated. This was sounding worse than he first thought it would be. He often thought about how cool it was that Nate had a son. Mitchell always wanted to have kids and, here, Nate had a son that was asleep upstairs. He didn’t think about the difficulties that it might present. Especially if Seth’s mom was involved with a man that might not be as ive. With a sigh, Nate answered. “April told me that night we talked about the incident with the other kid.” Looking a little hurt that Nate hadn’t shared this before. “You didn’t say anything about that earlier.”

“I know. I’m sorry. It was enough that Gordon wanted to move the meeting with the teacher. I couldn’t wrap my head around him not wanting Seth to stay here.” Pausing, he didn’t want to finish the sentence about his hypothesis as to why. “Nate, I’m so sorry. Why doesn’t he want Seth over here?” “I’m not really sure. When I asked April at dinner that week, she said it might not be as big of a deal as she thought. But, I don’t believe her.” He paused for a moment. “She said he started expressing more concerns once Sergio moved here. This is just me guessing, but it kind of sounds like he’s not as comfortable with Seth having a gay dad as she thought.” “Oh. No way.” Sitting up all the way. Those were fightin’ words. “Really?” “Yeah. I didn’t start putting it together until they left this morning. April made a comment like, don’t have any crazy parties. But, it sounded like half a joke, you know?” “Like Gordon thinks we’re gonna have a big sex party with lots of disco and blow?” Laughing, “Yes. I don’t think he’s that comfortable with how comfortable Sergio is walking around with little clothes.” “Jesus Nate. Serge isn’t walking around naked. Or having sex in front of Seth or anything. What’s his deal?” “I don’t know. Earlier, I started thinking about some of the things Gordon said about that kid and what he said to Seth. That was part of why I was distracted at the store and didn’t get what you wanted.” Twisting on the couch, Mitchell was now facing Nate still resting his hand on Nate’s leg. “What did he say?” “It was more the way he said it. Like ‘what did we expect would happen at school. Kids are mean.’ He said things like that ‘we should try to understand the parents views too.’ That kind of stuff.” “Are you fucking kidding me? What did you say?” Mitchell knew getting mad might not help, but he didn’t like seeing Nate struggle and definitely didn’t want

to hear Gordon’s thoughts on equality. “Well, I knew he and April had a discussion about our meeting, so I kinda kept my mouth shut. I don’t want to cause problems for her and I don’t want to jeopardize what time I do get with Seth.” “Do you think she’d change that? Can she do that without your consent?” Tilting his head, “What is your agreement?” “It’s loose, you know? I didn’t ask for it to be specific like a custody thing, but maybe I should have?” “Oh Nate.” His hand caressed Nate’s leg trying to provide some kind of comfort. “Do you want to see a lawyer?”

6

Bethesda, Maryland February 2013

The initial talk Nate had with April about reviewing their agreement had gone better than Nate thought it would be. It reminded him of the old days when it was just him and April. Conversation between the good friends they had been since the day they met in the NIH lunchroom so many years before. The talk they had was great, April seemed to understand Nate’s concerns, so was willing to meet with the same lawyer to revisit the specifics. That was until she told Gordon. It was becoming clearer that Gordon did not want Nate to have any more time with Seth than he already had. He didn’t feel as though Nate’s rights needed to be protected at all. This was causing a lot of tension between the two houses, though they tried to keep as much from Seth as they could. Nobody wanted to harm Seth’s emotional well-being, or at least that’s what they hoped was true. It was the night of April and Nate’s regular dinner together, so they stayed in Bethesda after work to eat. Before, it just seemed like a great idea, but now Nate was worried about what Gordon might be saying to Seth if April wasn’t around. He liked to believe Seth’s physical well-being was fine but didn’t trust Gordon at all. Keeping that thought from April was a challenge, he knew it wouldn’t help. And yet, he didn’t like lying to her about his feelings. Sitting down to eat, they looked over the menus. They knew they had to talk about the tough stuff, but filled the space with departmental drama, experiments that weren’t working correctly, istrative crap. Casual conversation to start; work, basic stuff about Seth’s school things and extracurricular activities. Once they got their drinks and some food, they couldn’t avoid it anymore. They had decided to meet with their lawyer to talk about custody issues. Now, Gordon wanted to come. Even if it was difficult, Nate knew he had to tell her he didn’t like what was going on. “It seems like Gordon doesn’t think I deserve to spend more time with

Seth.” “Nate, I don’t know if that’s true.” She was fairly certain Nate was right, but she didn’t want to it it herself. “What do you mean? He pretty much said it when we were trying to schedule an appointment. I am trying to be understanding as to why he needs to come to the meeting with our lawyer at all, April. But, I think he’s going to try to block me on this.” “Nate.” She paused for a moment to try to gather what she wanted to say. “Please try to see his perspective.” “I am. But I don’t think he sees mine.” It seemed time to just put it out there. “I’m going to be honest. I don’t think he thinks I’m fit to be a father because I’m gay.” Her lack of immediate answer was probably answer enough, “I think it would be good to talk about this with him.” “You agree with me, don’t you?” That was too long of a wait before she answered. Maybe she didn’t say it aloud, but there was something there. “Nate. I didn’t say that.” “You didn’t have to.” “Nate.” “Please stop starting all your sentences with my name.” He wasn’t super hungry. He wasn’t hungry in general. He couldn’t get himself eat. Knowing he should be eating more since he was training for a marathon, this cognitive brain wasn’t enough to get his mouth to chew food. He had never experienced this type of stress before, so had no tools for fixing it. “Ugh. Okay.” She moved her food around her plate. This wasn’t what she ever thought they would talk about. “I didn’t think it was an issue before, which I hope you know. I wouldn’t have dated him much less talked about marrying him if I thought in any way he had issues with you being gay. With Seth having a gay dad. Though, I’m not sure I think it’s an issue now.”

“Then why say it that way?” “Because I want to see how this goes first. I don’t think he’s going to say you are unfit because you’re gay.” “That makes it sound like you think he’s going to say I’m unfit for a different reason. So, then why do you think he wants to limit my time with Seth?” “I don’t know why. It does seem like he doesn’t want Seth over at your house as often. I agree. But I don’t know why.” It was obvious to Nate that April was hiding something. “You said that twice.” “I know.” This was making her nervous and she didn’t want to believe Gordon could think this way. “I guess I want to know that you understand why I would like to have scheduled time with Seth.” Fiddling with is napkin, he was having difficulties understanding. “Like every other weekend or something. I don’t know.” “Even though we live next door?” April knew Nate was right but didn’t want to it it. “What if you move?” “Why would we move?” “I don’t know. I just want to plan for other situations.” “Okay. I hear ya.” Shaking her head. He was right. “On Monday, we’ll see what happens.” “This shouldn’t be this hard April. We’ve always been able to work things out.” “Nate. I know.” “You’re doing it again. That usually means something is wrong April.” They continued to talk as they finished their meals. It was clear that April understood why Nate was worried, but not clear on what to do about it. Their lawyer from before was great, but before they had a fairly general agreement that

simply recognized Nate as Seth’s biological father and stated he would have time with Seth. Nothing very specific. Once they returned back home, April went to her house and Nate to his. As he walked into the house, Mitchell was sitting at the dining room table on his laptop looking at the screen very intently. “Hey.” Nate had walked over to give Mitchell a kiss on the cheek to say hello. “How was your night?” “Sit down Nate.” Mitchell’s gaze didn’t move from the screen for more than a moment to quickly glance up. Flopping down in the chair next to Mitchell, Nate crossed his legs and put his hands on his lap. “Okay. What is it?” Similarly, if Mitchell used his name in that tone, something was wrong. Looking up from the screen. “What did April say about your meeting? How ive is she of you legally having shared custody?” “Why?” Granted that was what he and April were just talking about, but why was Mitchell asking this? “I had the door to the yard open while I was in the kitchen and I overheard Gordon talking on the phone. It sounded like he’s considering a job at the Mayo Clinic and was talking to the person about bringing his wife and son to Minnesota to check it out.” Nate’s eyes had widened as Mitchell talked. There was a lot wrong with that statement. “What!?” Uncrossing his legs, he moved his elbows onto the table. “Oh my god.” “Yeah, so I was looking at custody rules in Maryland. Did they get married and not tell you?” “I can’t believe that. I’m sure April would at least have something with her family if they did.” There was so much swirling around in Nate’s head. He couldn’t focus. “Though, I’m not sure what she’d do lately.” “Still searching around on his computer. Mitchell was trying to find some ive information. Finding the information about leaving the state with a child, he had to ask, “Did he ever adopt Seth?”

“No. I’m on his birth certificate. I think they’d have to remove my name and I’d have to approve. I don’t her saying anything about that idea either. I’m not sure how many conversations I’ve been left out of at this point.” “Well, I’ve been looking at some of the adoption rules.” Looking at Nate with a half-smile, “Not that this situation is in the FAQ section. But I think you might need your own lawyer Nate.” “Right. Okay.” Rubbing his eyes, he never expected this to be a conversation he’d have. “This is getting to be too much.” “I’m sorry. It’s was just, when I heard him say it, I was going to text you. But I didn’t want to interrupt your dinner with April. I’m so sorry. How was dinner?” “Um. I’m not sure. She sees that he doesn’t want Seth over here but won’t it it’s because he’s homophobic.” “That’s why I think you need a lawyer. I don’t mean to add to your stress, but I think you are right not to trust him.” His hands held his head as he looked down at the floor. “Shit.” Reaching over to Nate’s arm. Mitchell’s eye moved from the screen. “Did she say anything to you at Mayo?” “Not a thing.” Shaking his head, he still needed the of his hands. “Do you think she doesn’t know?” “I hope she doesn’t know. I just asked her what would happen if one of us moved and she said, why would anyone move? If she lied that easily, I don’t know.” “Nate. His behavior is worrying me.” Slowly his eyes met Mitchell’s, “Yeah, me too.” Shifting his chair to face Nate, Mitchell asked, “What can I do?” “Let me meet with our lawyer first, I guess?” Shaking his head, Nate felt more

confused and unsure with every moment that ed.

7

Silver Spring, Maryland – Boston, Massachusetts February 2013

To say that Nate’s mother didn’t approve of Mitchell would be an understatement. To say she didn’t like him, didn’t want to like him and refused to get to know him would be more accurate. It wasn’t that she didn’t like Mitchell because he had broken her son’s heart. Or because Nate struggled with that break-up for years afterward. Or that she felt badly that Nate had felt alone before and made Mitchell the center of his world when they were together because he didn’t feel like his family was there for him. It had very little to do with Nate before, the same was true now. Mitchell wasn’t the right breed for her, he didn’t have the right background. Regardless of how far he had come from his humble beginnings, she didn’t think he was right for her son. It didn’t matter what Nate wanted, she wanted him to date someone of substance with the right family and upbringing. Not someone from a blue-collar, Mid-western, family. She wanted Nate to be with someone with educated parents, with property she could visit and financial security. She had told Mitchell as much back when they were in college. She wanted Nate to date someone like Ryan. Now that they were together again, and it was Mitchell’s fault that Nate and Ryan split in her eyes. She wasn’t going to give him the time of day. So far, they hadn’t really crossed paths. If she Skyped to talk to Seth, Mitchell didn’t have to talk to her, and she didn’t ask about him. If she called her son to see how things were going, she asked about work, not about the clinic or his relationship. A few times Nate tried to talk to her about Mitchell, she would just reply with a standard ‘if you’re happy’ response. Nate didn’t like that she still had such misconceptions about Mitchell. And he didn’t like that Mitchell was uncomfortable around his family. But that fell on deaf ears. She wouldn’t acknowledge her part in it. The holidays had ed, but they hadn’t spent them with Nate’s family. His mom did extend an invitation for Christmas, but with everything going on at home, Nate didn’t think Gordon would be okay with him taking Seth to Boston

for any holidays. It seemed easier not to ask as opposed to bringing up something that could lead to an argument. Julie, Nate’s younger sister, had come up for Thanksgiving. She didn’t really have an opinion about Mitchell, but she didn’t know the whole story until earlier that year. Nate had invited her up to visit so they could spend time together. Besides trying to be a better father and a better boyfriend, he was trying to be a better brother, which Julie appreciated. One night they stayed up late talking in the backyard with a few glasses of wine and he told her everything. It led to her opening up about her personal life too. They laughed and cried about their lack of ability to relate to people. Then they decided it was all their mother’s fault, laughed and drank some more. Julie came to visit more often now and even brought her boyfriend, Max, up a few times. They made one weekend trip to Atlanta to visit her and Max. Nate and Mitchell were interested in seeing the CDC and Julie’s research. And, of course, Seth wanted to see the Atlanta zoo. Having his sister’s helped balance the different type of from his mother. Seth was the reason that Nate’s mom called as often as she did anyway. Much like when Nate told her he was gay, it seemed like she enjoyed being able to tell her friends that her gay son had a bi-racial child with a geneticist. Now wasn’t she special and different than all her friends? Wasn’t she great that she was so understanding and accepting of Nate’s life choices? Wasn’t he lucky to have such understanding parents? She sure thought so. Since Nate’s dad was receiving a life-time achievement award from the hospital, they couldn’t avoid a face to face with Nate’s mother. They all decided it would be best if they flew into Boston and rented a car together. They also decided to stay at a hotel where the banquet would be held. Then they could use the excuse that it would be better if they could bring Seth up for nap if anyone got tired. Julie and Max were going to fly in at the same time. Max had met their parents before, but it was hard to tell how their parents felt about him. This way, Seth would be the first one in the door and he was the preferred member of the family anyway. Travelling with a four-year-old could be easy, or awful, depending on Seth’s mood. He was a smart, well-behaved, polite kid, for the most part. But sometimes, if he was tired or worried, he would get upset and cry. When that would happen, they would try to talk to him about what was wrong, but sometimes he couldn’t explain and that would make it worse. Often, Nate would just hold him and tell him it would be okay. Seth was excited about seeing his

grandparents, though a little unsure about meeting new people. Nate reassured him that although there were going to be a lot of people at grandpa’s party, he didn’t have to talk to all of them. Seth felt much better about that part, yet he could tell that his dad was nervous about something and Uncle Mitchell kept forgetting things as they were getting ready to leave. Upstairs, Mitchell was trying to get everything packed. He’d changed his mind about what to bring, what to wear, what to say. It was a little overwhelming, so he tried to focus on helping Nate get Seth ready. Then that was too much. Lunch with Paola the day before had helped. Sergio told him to call if he needed to talk or text him if he needed his phone to ring. And Nate told him he would do whatever he needed. The was nice, but he would rather just not go, which was an option according to Nate, but it was about time he got this over with. Downstairs, Seth was packing his carry-on bag with toys, books and snacks while Nate was finalizing plans with Julie over the phone. Once he hung up, Seth had some questions. Holding two toys, an elephant in one and his purple dinosaur in the other, Seth walked over to Nate. “Daddy?” “Yes, little one.” Putting his phone in his bag and double checking the tickets, it took a moment for him to turn and look at Seth. “What do you need honey?” “Do you think it would help if I let Uncle Mitchell hold Appy? I can carry Elephant instead.” Seth had learned that Brontosaurus was really named Apatosaurus so decided to change the name of his dinosaur. “That’s very nice of Seth. Do you think Uncle Mitchell needs to hold your dinosaur? “Well…” Climbing up on top Nate’s lap. “He seems nervous. Does he get nervous about planes? Or is it because of all the people? Did you tell him he doesn’t have to talk to everyone too?” Nate was always amazed at how perceptive Seth could be and didn’t know how he knew what ‘nervous’ meant. He picked up on much more than anyone noticed. How to explain this was another difficult decision. He couldn’t really tell him, ‘well, your grandmother is really judgmental and classist, so she doesn’t

like Uncle Mitchell and he knows it’, so what would he say? “Seth, do you when we talked about how Uncle Mitchell and I have known each other for a long time.” “Yeah.” “Well, he hasn’t seen my parents for a long time and you know how you get nervous going back to school after a vacation because you haven’t seen your friends in a while? He’s a little nervous about seeing them again.” “Oh. That makes sense.” Seth sat thinking for a moment before saying, “Should I go offer him my dinosaur, or do you think he wants to be alone?” Trying not to laugh at how ridiculously cute that was, Nate smiled saying, “I think that would be okay.” Jumping off Nate’s lap, Seth started to run up the stairs. “No running up the stairs, Seth.” “Okay Daddy.” Slowing down a little, Seth approached the door to their bedroom. Knocking first, Seth slowly opened the door. He got the knocking part down, but didn’t always wait for an answer. “Uncle Mitchell?” “Yes.” Mitchell was running around the room trying to make decisions. He didn’t mean to be short with Seth, he was just very nervous. Once he realized that might have sounded angry, he stopped and turned to look at Seth. “I’m sorry Seth. What can I do for you?” “It’s okay Uncle Mitchell. Daddy said you might be a little nervous because you haven’t seen Grandma and Grandpa in a long time, so I wanted to know if you would like to carry Appy? He makes me feel better about things.” Kneeling down to give Seth a hug, Mitchell replied, “Thank you Seth. I might take you up on that.” After the hug, he continued, “Are you excited about seeing your grandparents and your Aunt Julie?” “Yes. But Daddy said there will be lots of people there and sometimes I don’t like crowds.”

“Me either. What should we do about that?” “If you don’t want to talk to more people, maybe we can go outside?” “That is a great idea Seth. Should we have a code word?” With a pause, Seth looked at Mitchell inquisitively. “What does that mean?” “Well, if I want to take a break from the party, I’ll say something to you like, ‘Seth, I really like ostriches, don’t you?’ and you’ll know I want to go outside without me having to say it. If I say ‘ostriches’ it means I’m feeling overwhelmed with all the people.” Thinking for a minute, Seth hadn’t thought about not just saying he wanted to go outside. “What if I say, ‘let’s go outside to look at ostriches?’ does that work?” “Sure. That works. Ostriches is our code word from now on. Should we go tell your dad?” “Okay. Do you feel better Uncle Mitchell?” “I do, Seth. Thank you.” Smiling, Mitchell thought about how important Seth was in his life. The thought of them having another child would often cross his mind. One that he could help raise from a baby. He hesitated broaching the topic with Nate, one kid that they shared custody with seemed like enough right now. Considering the potential legal struggle that was presenting, it was more than enough. It was too much. However, it would be nice if someone called him ‘daddy’ someday. In a way that implied fatherhood, not something else. “Let’s go get your dad and go to the airport.” They walked downstairs holding hands and met up with Nate by the front door. “You boys ready to go?” Seth nodded his head ‘yes’ as he walked to his little backpack. Looking at Mitchell, Nate said, “You doing okay?” “Yeah Nate. Thank you.” Leaning in to kiss him, Mitchell paused for a moment with his lips touching Nate’s. “I feel much better now. Plus, Seth and I are going to each other if we get overwhelmed with all the people.” “Daddy, we have a code word for if we want to go outside but don’t want to say

we are going outside.” With a puzzled look, “You do? May I know what it is?” “It’s ostriches. This way if Uncle Mitchell says ‘ostriches’, I know he wants to go outside.” Nate’s first thought was, ‘why not just say you want to go outside?’, then he ed that maybe Mitchell was trying to not be rude. “Well, that’s a good plan.” Leaning over, Nate whispered, “You know he’s just going to yell ostriches now, right?” “I know. But I thought it was a good idea at the time.” Smiling, Mitchell realized it was time to get this over with. Just talk to Nate’s parents as if they weren’t so disapproving and try to have a good time. “You know, this is the first time I’ll be back in Boston since that conference a few years ago.” “The one where I hid from you?” Thinking back, Nate wasn’t ready to talk to Mitchell then, but he was happy to be here now. “The one where you tried to pick up Sergio?” Mitchell replied, trying to whisper. “Daddy! You can pick up Uncle Sergio?” Seth was kind of listening as he double checked his bag. “Well…” Nate wasn’t sure how to explain this one, so he decided not to. “Almost, but he’s a little big for me.” The double enteandre was lost on Seth yet made Mitchell laugh. “True enough.” As they packed up the car and drove to the airport, they sang songs from Dora the Explorer and talked about what animals might be at the Boston Zoo. Paola and Sergio were teaching Seth Spanish, which meant everyone was learning Spanish. They recited all the animals in both English and Spanish. Of course, ostriches were on the list more than once. Getting through airport security was easier than Nate thought it would be. Seth was very well-behaved because he knew Uncle Mitchell was nervous. The flight was fine, Seth sat between them and fell asleep once they took off. It gave Mitchell and Nate a chance to talk about the trip drama.

Reaching out to put his hand on Mitchell’s knee, Nate wanted him to know he was going to be there for him. “You sure you’re okay Mitch?” Leaning his head on the headrest, the corner of his mouth came up to a half smile. “Yeah Nate, I’m okay.” Twisting in his seat so he could look Mitchell in the eye, Nate continued. “I know I didn’t stand up for you enough with my parents before, but I will this time. Maybe you can say ‘ostriches’ and I’ll know you need me to do something. You know I’m not that good at noticing things, but I’m trying.” “I appreciate it Nate. I’ll let you know if I need you to do or say something. But I think it will be okay.” Seth was curled up with his head on Nate’s lap and his feet touching Mitchell’s legs. “Plus, Seth said I can carry Appy with me. So that will help.” As he finished his sentence, the flight attendant came by and whispered, “You guys need anything?” He looked at both of them and then at Seth. “Is he doing okay?” Nate brushed Seth’s curls off his forehead and said, “Yeah, he’s pretty good on planes.” “He’s very cute. We have animal crackers if he wants, and it’s okay.” “That would be great thanks.” Nate was answering the questions since Mitchell tended to be quiet when people asked about Seth. “My partner and I have talked about kids, but it seems hard and I don’t know how our families would respond to the idea. I ire you guys.” Smiling as he looked at both of them, his gaze ended on Mitchell. “He seems like a great kid and you are a really cute family.” At first Mitchell thought to explain that Seth was Nate’s kid. That he wasn’t really a father to him and all that, but instead he just said. “Thanks.” Maybe they weren’t your typical family, but they were a family. “Let me get you those cookies.” The rest of the flight was uneventful. Seth woke up very happily to find animal

crackers. He identified each before eating them and shared with both Nate and Mitchell. They met up with Julie and Max at baggage claim. Seth was excited to see them, giving them both hugs and kisses. Once they had all their things, they got their minivan. Julie made fun of her brother for being old and driving a minivan without Seth hearing. They were both anxious about seeing their parents. At least now they could talk to each other about it. “Daddy?” Getting into his car seat, Seth was fidgeting. “Yes little one.” Nate was buckling him in as Mitchell slid into the middle seat to be next to him. “Are we going to the party now?” “No. We’re going to the hotel to settle in, then we’ll go to the party later.” His eyes met Mitchell’s. His eyebrows raised slightly indicating he was aware of everyone’s feelings about the party. “Oh good, I’m not ready for the party yet.” “I’m not either Seth.” Julie said as she sat down next to Mitchell. “Yeah, neither am I.” Mitchell chimed in and gave Nate a smile. “At least we’ll all be there together.” Nate was trying to be the optimist, which wasn’t usually his role. Once he jumped into the driver’s seat with Max riding shotgun, he turned to look back and said, “Everyone ready?” A resounding “No” came from the back with a laugh. “Daddy. Let’s go to the zoo first!” Seth laughed too and then explained to Julie that if Mitchell or he said ‘ostriches’ that meant they wanted to go outside and take a break. Whispering to Mitchell, Julie said, “How ‘bout I just say, ‘want another drink?’” “Good idea.” It was great that Julie was ive of them both. She accepted Mitchell as a brother in law, even if they weren’t married. She knew about their

past, their reconnecting, their difficult times, all of it. Even if their mother couldn’t accept Mitchell, she would. Nate was happy, that’s what mattered. Once at the hotel, they checked into their respective rooms. Getting settled in, Seth picked his bed and organized his toys as Nate and Mitchell hung up their suits. They were going to meet Nate’s parents for a late lunch, meaning Mitchell had to see them before the party. As anxious as he was, he was trying to stay calm for Seth. Leaning on the door to the bathroom, Mitchell asked, “Should I call her Dr. Blake too?” “Call her Katherine, or Kate. Ha! Or Katie. That would be great.” Nate put the toiletries in the bathroom and then started to organize the items. Stepping closer, Mitchell whispered so Seth wouldn’t hear him. “I’m serious Nate. Should I call her Kate? What did Ryan call her?” Closing the space between them, Nate sighed. “What?” Mitchell had to second guess asking, how bad could the answer be? “Why do you have that look?” With a look of ‘don’t be mad’, Nate said, “She asked him to call her ‘Mom’.” “Ugh. Of course.” Going back to hanging the shirts, Mitchell grumbled. “I wish he wasn’t such a nice guy. Sometimes I’d really like to hate him. But. I know, it’s not his fault. He just set the bar fairly high.” With a smile, Nate laughed as he said, “No offense hon, but you let that bar drop on the ground. So….” He was trying to be funny and get Mitchell to laugh, but it wasn’t working. “Really? I don’t think that has much to do with why she doesn’t like me. Why other people might not like me, maybe. But Julie forgave me. And you supposedly forgave me, though you keep bringing it up, so maybe you haven’t…” Grabbing Mitchell’s hand, Nate pulled him in. “I’m trying to make you laugh, I’m sorry it’s not working. I’m just nervous myself. I’m going to talk to her

about being more accepting, okay?” “You don’t have to Nate.” Mitchell knew how hard it was for Nate to talk to his mom about anything. “I know I don’t have to. I want to. It’s good for me to talk to her about these things. It might not change anything, but I need to try.” He leaned over to kiss Mitchell. Noticing the time, Nate knew his mother wouldn’t call the room when they got to the hotel. She would wait in the lobby. “I’m going to go down and see if they are here while you two finish putting things away.” While they were talking, Mitchell had looked back into the bathroom. “Okay, but first, look in the bathroom.” “Why?” “Just look.” “Okay……” He scanned the counter with all the organized bottles and things. “Now, look at Seth’s bed.” Sure enough, both the toiletries and the toys were all organized by type in a row. Seth would look at the line, then re-order the toys in a slightly different way. “You two are too much. I guess some things are genetic.” Down in the lobby, Nate’s parents sat reading the paper waiting for their kids to come down. It was the time they had told them they would be there, but their children were nowhere in sight. Nate’s dad reminded his mom that now Nate had his son with him, so she should that things took longer with kids. She shuffled her pages while keeping an eye on the elevator. Finally, Nate walked out. “Hi Mom. Hi Dad.” Nate walked over to where they were sitting. He knew the 5 minutes they waited was 5 minutes too long. And it was just him since Seth and Mitchell were still getting things organized. “Hello son.” His dad stood up and put out his hand to shake. “How was the flight?” “It was good.” Shaking hands with dad. Check. “Seth got the wings pin from the

pilot, which made him happy.” “Where is Seth?” His mother also stood up, folded her paper and looked around. “Nice to see you too, Mom.” Nate gave her a hug anyway. “He is upstairs with Mitch. They’ll be down in a moment. Seth wanted to organize his toys.” “Mitch is here too.” Just the way she said ‘Mitch’ had such distain. To her, his name was indicative of her opinion of his economic status. “I told you we were all coming. It would be great if you could be just a little more accepting of our relationship.” “I don’t know what you mean. I’m perfectly polite.” “Mom, you told him he wasn’t good enough for me.” “Well, that was a long time ago. And he’s not. Now, Ryan. He was a wonderful choice. He wasn’t available this weekend? I don’t understand what happened with that, but I’m sure it was Mitch’s fault and….” “It was my fault things ended with Ryan, not Mitch’s. And no, he couldn’t make Dad’s party because he has his own life now. Maybe you should call him Dr. Davis. Does that sound like a more appropriate choice? We have had very similar careers. In fact, he has more published papers than I do. So what is it about him that isn’t good enough?” “Maybe we can talk about this another time.” Nate’s dad didn’t like conflict, so tried to squash it before it took up too much energy. “Okay, how about this; Mom, can you please try to be more accepting of Mitch for me and for Seth? Seth doesn’t understand why you don’t talk to him when you Skype.” “Okay Nathaniel. I’ll talk to Mitch for you and for Seth.” She didn’t understand why she had to be ‘accepting of Mitch’ or why it was a problem. “But I don’t know why you are letting Seth get that close to him. He’s just going to leave you again anyway.” “Now, Mom, this is part of the problem. He is going to leave me if you keep

treating him this way.” “Well, I don’t know what that has to do with it….” “Looks like I got here just in time. Hi Dad.” Julie reached over to hug her dad. “Hi Mom. Are you already bugging Nate about his choice in mate?” Reaching over she hugged her mom too. “Why are you two ganging up on me all of a sudden? You two were never like this when you were kids. We didn’t raise you to be so disrespectful of your parents.” “Maybe it’s because we’re hanging out with all these blue-collar people. That must be it.” Julie’s choices also weren’t up to their mother’s standards, but who was? Oh, right. Ryan. “Now Julie, that’s not necessary.” Their dad was trying to keep the peace. Which he did seem to have to do more often of late. “Sorry Dad, but it’s true.” Julie had decided to just say what she thought now instead of hiding her feelings like she used to. Their parents weren’t too happy about that either. “I know, we wouldn’t have had all these opportunities if it wasn’t for you two and we appreciate it. Right Nate?” “Yes. We do. And, we are happy to be here to celebrate your award, Dad. Where’s Max?” “He decided to meet us later. He’s been working on a project that has kept him up late and he didn’t get to sleep on the plane.” Julie knew her parents had opinions about him too, but they kept them to themselves. They thought she’d marry a doctor or something. A graphic designer wasn’t what they had in mind. “And yours?” “On the way down. Seth had to organize his toys. I’ll text them that we are all ready to eat.” “Like father like son I guess.” Julie patted Nate on the shoulder. She too was still getting used to the idea that Nate was a father. Now that she was spending more time with them, it was much more real than a few months ago.

When Mitchell and Seth made it to the lobby, Seth ran over to hug his grandparents with a big smile. Taking a deep breath, Mitchell put out his hand toward Nate’s dad. “Hello Dr. Blake. Good to see you again.” “Hello Mitchell. Please, call me Will.” Even if his wife didn’t approve, Nate’s dad liked Mitchell and was more approving of him being a ‘real doctor’ and not wasting time with research like his son. Though, he’d never say that to his wife. He might say that to Mitchell after a few drinks. “How is your clinic?” “It’s good. Thank you for asking, Will. Maybe I can show you around next time you come visit?” As soon as he said it, he realized that if Will came, Katherine would come too. And that he should say hello to her as well. “Dr. Blake, good to see you again.” “Hello Mitchell.” Since her husband said he could call him by his first name, she figured she’d have to do the same. “Katherine is fine.” Shaking hands, a silence fell over the room. “On that note. Let’s go eat.” Julie started walking toward the hotel restaurant. “So, Dad, are you looking forward to this party?” “Grandma? Did you get Grandpa a present for getting an award?” Seth had taken his grandmother’s hand and started to follow his aunt as if he knew the moment was awkward. Now, just the two of them were left. Nate put his hand out for Mitchell to take. “Not too bad. My dad was nice.” “Yeah, that was nice of him to ask about the clinic.” Standing still, Mitchell turned to look at Nate. “I didn’t know he knew about it.” “I told him a while ago. You know he has more respect for practicing doctors. And you know my dad doesn’t say much.” They walked toward the restaurant to have a very civil lunch with Nate’s family. His parents didn’t know about the worries he had about custody issues, and he wasn’t going to tell them. He checked in with April again, texting her as he

walked. Just letting her know everything was fine and Seth was having fun. Her reply was a ‘thanks’ and ‘enjoy the weekend’, but even the shortness of her text made him worry. No ‘I hope your mom isn’t horrible to Mitchell’ or anything like what he expected to see. What was once a close friendship was starting to feel strained and uncomfortable. He hoped that would change.

8

Boston, Massachusetts January 2013

The dinner party was going as planned, a big sit-down meal with all of Nate’s parents’ family friends. People from the hospital and from his mom’s department at Harvard. Many came up to say ‘hi’ to Nate and Julie with the usual ‘the last time I saw you were just this tall’ statements and comments about how successful they had both become. What a great job their parents had done because of their success. And with each person, Nate and Julie would smile at each other. Once she leaned over and whispered, ‘as if we had a choice’ and then ‘and it still isn’t enough for mom’. Laughing, they reveled in their new friendship. Katherine wanted Seth to meet lots of people, however, Nate explained that Seth was shy. When his mom tried to push it, he stood up to her and told her he would introduce Seth to people if Seth felt like it. Rarely had Nate ever said anything that would imply that his mother didn’t know best, but this was his son and he’d protect him. There were moments when his worry about their time together would dissipate, but then it would come right back up. Should he explain to his parents what was happening with the amount of time he got with his son? She didn’t seem all that ive of his current relationship, how could he guarantee that his mom would be ive of him with this? Realizing that Nate was lost in thought, Mitchell took his hand under the table. “Nate. You are doing a great job.” Distracted, he turned to look at Mitchell. “Thanks. There might be ostriches earlier than I thought. I might need some air.” “Any chance you might want to take a moment with me somewhere private?” The glimmer in Mitchell’s eye seemed slightly out of place, and yet it sounded like a wonderful idea.

Although his head had been on other things, this idea might help him change his train of thought. “Let me see if Julie can keep an eye on Seth for a few.” Most of the toasts were done, the slide show with pictures of the hospital, his father getting different awards, the family. Of course, there was one of a Christmas with Ryan, at which they all just smiled. It wasn’t Ryan’s fault. “Hey Seth, honey. Uncle Mitchell and I are going to run upstairs for a moment, do you need anything? Are you doing okay?” “I’m okay Daddy. Is it time for ostriches?” “We’re going to get our coats, then we can take a break together when we get back. How’s that sound?” “Okay.” “Aunt Julie will be here with you.” Looking at Julie, he said, “You mind watching him for a moment?” “Sure.” With a nod. “I’ll protect him from Mom.” Putting her arms out. “Seth, will you sit with me for a while? Maybe Max can draw you some animals?” “Oh. Do you think he’d mind?” “Mind what?” Max was watching all the fancy pants people chatting away. “Max, will you draw Seth some animals?” “Of course. Let’s start with dogs.” “We got him. You two take your time getting coats. If that’s what you kids are calling it these days.” Smiling, Julie was happy for her brother and happy to watch Seth. Walking to the elevator, Mitchell slid his fingers against Nate’s palm and let their fingers intertwine. “You having a good time?” “Yeah, it’s nice to see everyone. You?” They were just killing time until the elevator got there. He didn’t want to bring up the other stuff right now. Squeezing his hand to Mitchell’s, the door needed to open soon.

“Yes. It’s nice to meet your relatives. Though I could swear some of your mom’s friends said ‘ooooh’ when they met me.” “They are just jealous.” With a smirk, the doors opened, and they hopped into the elevator, hoping that nobody else got in and they didn’t. Nate pushed Mitchell up against the wall of the elevator as he kissed him ionately. “I really think you should change your shirt. Let me help you.” Starting to unbutton Mitchell’s shirt, they forgot that there might be other floors. Luckily, the doors didn’t open until their floor and, even more luckily, nobody was waiting for it. Opening the door to their room, the wall by the bathroom was nice . Unbuttoning each other’s shirts, they kissed as Mitchell pressed Nate against the wall. Sliding open the buckle of Nate’s belt, Mitchell slid his hands down the sides of Nate’s hips. “I’ve wanted to do this since you told your mom to back off.” “Can we not talk about my mom?” “It was just such a turn on. You telling her not to take Seth around, ah.” He unzipped Nate’s pants as his hand pushed his boxers down. “Can we not talk about my son either? Kinda ruining the mood.” “But it’s so sexy, you’re so protective of him and……” Moving to kneel on the floor, he kissed Nate’s stomach along the way. Nate’s hands took Mitchell’s face in his grip and pulled his chin up to look at him. “Mitch.” “Okay, right. Sorry. I’ll keep it to myself.” “Thank you.” His hands ran through Mitchell’s hair as Mitchell’s lips caressed his tip. The wetness of his tongue lingered around the girth of his cock before pulling him into his mouth. A sigh from Nate led to his head leaning against the wall, Nate’s fingers moving slowly through Mitchell’s hair. Nate’s plan was to do this for Mitchell, since he appreciated him putting up with his mom. He knew being a good dad was somehow a turn on to Mitchell. It worked out for Nate yet was a little weird to him.

As Mitchell’s tongue ran the length of Nate’s shaft, they knew they had limited time. Mitchell quickly moved his mouth around Nate and sucked in hard. The wall helped a lot, the movement made Nate’s knees weaken and his hands moved from Mitchell’s hair to his shoulders for . After some quality time together, they thought it was about time to head back. Nate wanted to spend more time with Seth, and they should probably socialize with some of the doctor folk. As the door closed behind them, they kissed again. Then, Nate why they said they came upstairs “Coats!” Walking back into the banquet room, Nate gave Mitchell a kiss before hearing Seth running toward them. “Hey little one.” Picking him up with a kiss, Nate continued, “You ready to go outside for a break?” “I was dancing with Aunt Julie.” “Did you have fun?” “Yes! Can we dance some more?” “Hey Nate. You look…refreshed.” She smiled as she said it. They both looked a lot more relaxed. “Thanks for watching him. Everything go okay?” “Yeah. Mom tried to introduce him to people, so we went dancing to avoid her.” “Good idea. Thanks.” With a hand on his shoulder, she replied, “No problem, Nate.” She looked at him with a certain concern. They weren’t a very affectionate family, but she felt like Nate needed some so reached out her hand to his arm. “What’s wrong?” “Ah. Let’s go get a drink.” They walked toward the bar with a more serious tone. “I’ll take Seth dancing.” Mitchell put his hand on Nate’s wrist and smiled at Julie. He knew they needed a few minutes to talk. Nate would tell Julie about Gordon, about the kid at school, the initial talk he had with April, Gordon’s job offer, etc. From a distance, Mitchell could see Nate tell Julie about the potential custody issues. He could see her stop in her tracks and say ‘what?’, then look

back toward him as he danced with Seth. Mitchell gave a half smile with a nod, to which she shook her head and hugged her brother. Relaxing into his sister’s arms, Nate hugged her back. Everyone would know eventually. Coming back to the table with drinks, Mitchell could see Nate say, ‘don’t tell Mom, I’ll let her later.’ Hopefully, the conversation later wouldn’t be that he lost custody of his son. The rest of the night was fun. Nate started to relax a bit and decided he’d talk to April about a more defined custody agreement when they got back to Maryland. He needed to protect himself and his rights as Seth’s father. They danced and chatted with folks and slowly Seth met lots of people. It was more enjoyable than they thought it would be. A good time was had by all. Slowly, Nate noticed Seth start to get tired, so they all decided to hit the sack. Carrying Seth up to the room, Nate could feel him start to fall asleep in his arms. This time, the elevator ride was quiet. Mitchell just smiled at Nate. He reached out to squeeze Nate’s hand as he leaned over to kiss Seth on the top of the head. Hoping April would be understanding and willing to talk this over, they were going to have some challenges ahead. Even if Mitchell still wasn’t exactly sure where he fit in to this whole thing, he knew he would Nate however he could. As they reached their room, Mitchell opened the door, then moved out of the way so Nate could bring Seth inside. They were still quiet as Nate put Seth to bed. Carefully, he got Seth out of his clothes and into his pajamas before doing the same for himself. Mitchell was quietly brushing his teeth when Nate stepped into the bathroom. Whispering with the toothbrush in his mouth, “You okay?” “Yeah. I’m a little nervous about what April is going to say, but I think it’s good we talk it out.” Grabbing his own toothbrush, Nate put some toothpaste on the bristles and started to brush his teeth too. “We were close at one point. I don’t know what we are now, but I hope that we are still friends.” After rinsing, he could talk more easily. “I think you’re right. I know April will be ive. I haven’t known her that long, but I think she knows you want what is best for Seth.” He reached out to Nate, “Let me know what I can do.” “Thank you, Mitch. Just don’t tell her I let Seth go to bed without brushing his

teeth.” Nate smiled, though he was afraid of what was to come. Smiling, Mitchell replied, “I won’t.” Once both their teeth were clean, they too decided to hit the hay. Motioning to the bed Seth was in, Nate asked, “You mind?” “No. Will we all fit?” “I think so.” Nate smiled as he got in on one side, putting his arm around Seth. Mitchell slid in on the other side, leaning over to kiss Nate goodnight. It was snug, but they were a cozy, happy, family. And they would do what they needed to do to stay that way.

9

New York, New York February 2013

Writer’s meetings for The Life and Times of Kenneth Clark were always lively and a bit chaotic. It was important to Marc that his writers feel like they could say and suggest anything, even if it strayed from the original story. There was a lot of writing on white board walls, erasing and writing more. Sticky notes to remind themselves of ideas for later, lots of cross-talking and energetic discussion, with a lot of laughing. These meetings were fun and would end focused with a clear direction and goal. Marc was a talented writer and seemed to have a knack for inspiring others to be the same. They decided to change some of the storyline from the books to surprise the fans. That worked for Marc since he had difficulties talking about this life with Mitchell, much less watching it happen again on screen. At the end, they all felt good about where they were going to take the story and knew that the producers would also be happy. Their team was a good one, with encouragement to express themselves in their writing. This particular meeting was very productive, everyone contributed and threw out ideas. Everyone, except Ryan. As they were all leaving the conference room, Marc was clo the files on his laptop. He needed to catch Ryan before he left the room. “Hey Ryan. Can you hold on a second?” Distracted, Ryan heard Marc ask him something. Although standing in the doorway, he turned to Marc with a pensive expression and said, “Yeah. What’s up?” Once everyone had left the room, Marc thought of how to get an honest answer. “You were unusually quiet today.” Pushing the air that had gathered under his upper lip out very slowly, Ryan sighed.

“Ryan. What’s going on?” Laughing a little, Marc leaned against the table with his hands on the edges. Ryan looked around before closing the door and then leaned against it. “I don’t know how to talk about this.” “Talk about what?” Shifting, Marc sat on the table. This seemed like more than a leaning conversation, he needed to settle in and let Ryan explain whatever he needed to. There was something behind those crystal blue eyes that were usually sparkling with optimism and creativity. His only concern was that he hoped it didn’t have to do with Nate and Mitchell. “Well, in the meeting, we were talking about Ken arguing with his boyfriend and they get in a fight. He goes off and screws some guy at a club. Then I started thinking….” “Uh-oh.” Smiling, Marc was always intrigued by where Ryan got his ideas. “No. Really. I don’t want them to argue. I want them to talk about things and not have it end that way. I don’t want them to argue like that because I don’t want to argue with people. I wish I knew how to stop. How do I talk about issues that might be upsetting without getting defensive or saying things I don’t really mean? Or storming out and screwing some guy at a club?” “You’re asking me? You think I know the answer? Have you experienced my life over the last few years?” Laughing, he knew Ryan had seen it all, so knew Marc wasn’t good at communicating either. But, what brought this on? “Wait, did you screw some guy at a club after getting in a fight with Derrick? Do you and Derrick even fight? That doesn’t sound like you or him. You two seem like you can talk about anything.” “No. That’s not what I mean. I didn’t…I mean…I don’t know what I mean. Yes, we can talk about a lot of things, but I don’t know. I just wish I knew how to feel strong enough to talk about things without feeling insecure and manipulating it. Derrick has said he’ll stop me if he thinks that’s what I’m doing, but sometimes I think I am and I’m not sure. I don’t know I’d say we fight. We disagree about things, but sometimes I don’t say anything because I think I’m overreacting or being weird about stuff. Or maybe I just don’t see things the same way because I’m white.”

Marc and Ryan had spent hours talking about the differences in their upbringings. The difference in how the world saw them. The challenges Marc faced as a writer and being Mexican in American. “Are you still worried about seeming racist?” “All the time. Ever since that conversation we had about white privilege, I worry. I’ve talked to Derrick about it, he says I worry too much. But I still worry. Even outside of those things, I wish I could talk about important stuff without being afraid of the response. Or getting defensive and not listening to the other person.” Pausing for a moment he had to think about what Ryan just said, Marc looked at him with sympathy. What examples did he have of a good way to discuss difficult issues with people? Now seemed as good a time as any to talk about it. “Well, when I was with Mitchell, I would just run away, storm out, leave the country or something, as you know. With CJ….” Shaking his head. “I don’t even want to start with that conversation.” “You two doing okay?” There had already been one very public extra-curricular exercise with CJ and a guy in a bar in Las Vegas. Who knows if there had been more that didn’t make the news. Ryan was frequently torn about his opinion of CJ. He didn’t understand their relationship, but Marc seemed happy for the most part. He skipped over the Mitchell part since Marc didn’t elaborate. But he was hopeful they could talk about that some more too. “Yeah, I guess. We don’t go out, get drunk, have sex with someone else and not what happened anymore, so that’s better. I don’t know if we really connect sometimes. Sometimes it’s great and I feel like this is going somewhere, then other times, I’m not sure. And I don’t know how to talk about things either, so we don’t talk about it.” “I wonder how many people just don’t talk about it.” Ryan had his head up against the door jamb for . They could probably sit down, but then they might sit all day. “Sounded like your last trip together was a good one.” “Yeah. We’re great when no one else is around. It’s nice to travel with someone so laid back. He doesn’t seem to worry about much of anything.” “It’s good that you can travel together. That’s a good sign, right?”

“I guess so. I think we’re doing okay. Whatever ‘okay’ means.” They paused for a few moments to soak in their conversation. They seemed to be able to talk about almost anything in the context of the show. Applying it to real life was different, but they’d usually get there. Together, they had discussed some pretty personal things. That was the nature of their friendship. “Just to clarify Ryan, are you saying you pretend not to be mad because you think you are wrong to be upset about things?” That didn’t seem like the best either. Derrick was a positive influence on Ryan in a lot of ways, but he couldn’t help him see the world differently if Derrick didn’t know the way Ryan saw things. “Yeah.” Shrugging, “Derrick usually realizes it and makes me talk to him about stuff. He’s good at talking about things without being defensive or afraid of the result like I am. Even with some difficult stuff, he’s good at making me talk about it. Maybe we should ask him for advice?” “That’s not a bad idea. He seems pretty smart.” Deciding he might as well sit after all, Ryan walked over to the table and sat in a chair facing Marc. “I just wish I had grown up talking things out, you know? My parents never discussed anything of importance in front of me, so I don’t know if they argue or not. It was all about appearances and making sure everyone else thought we were the perfect family.” “What about Nate? Maybe you didn’t communicate that well before, but you two seem to talk now.” “Yeah, but now is different.” Ryan started shifting around in the chair. He was glad they were talking about this, but it was slightly uncomfortable to talk about Nate with Marc. “I don’t feel like I have as much on the line now that we aren’t involved, romantically I mean. Which is weird maybe. Now I feel like I can just say ‘okay you are being annoying, I’ll call you later’ and that’s fine. Before, I thought if I said that to him, that meant we weren’t getting along, that our relationship was a fraud, maybe he’d leave and all that.” After saying ‘fraud’ Ryan second guessed what we said, then realized he was doing it again. He didn’t trust that Marc was okay with what he said. Marc took a moment to decide if he really wanted to know the answer to the

question in his head. “The thing with Nate was that he seemed so perfect, you know? Smart, talented, successful. Like he was everything I could ever want, so what else could I ask for? It was probably just me being weird. I was asking too much. Why would I argue with him when he was so great?” “Yeah. I get that.” Marc had a question but wasn’t sure if he should ask. “Well, Nate’s probably not the best example for me since I did break up with him and everything.” Smiling, Ryan could see Marc’s brain working, but wasn’t sure what he was thinking. “And with Derrick?” Laughing, Ryan knew some things hadn’t changed, but for different reasons. “Probably the same thing.” With a chuckle, “You know, I was just thinking that the other day about CJ. He’s so incredibly attractive. He’s so personable and talented. What is my problem? Why is it so hard to connect? I don’t know.” Swinging his legs a little, Marc looked up from the floor before asking the question lingering in his head. “Does Nate talk to you about how he and Mitchell communicate?” Crinkling his nose, Ryan replied, “You really want to know about that?” Probably not, but maybe it was good Marc asked. Ryan hoped that soon they could all get along and be friends and vacation together and spend holidays at his house. Though, that wasn’t likely. “No. Not really. But, I thought maybe they were better at this than the rest of us.” Marc was fairly certain he didn’t want to know, either way it would be upsetting. If they were the best communicators ever, that would be annoying. If they weren’t, then, what the hell? Why couldn’t he and Mitchell have worked it out instead? “Yeah, I don’t think so.” Smiling, Ryan shifted his feet, sitting in the chair a different way. “Really?”

“Well, it sounds like when they are in surgery together, they don’t really have to say much because they just seem to know what the other one needs. Like they have some psychic-surgery connection. So, there it’s all good. But, outside of the operating room, I don’t think that’s always the case. “Why do you say that?” Trying to read Marc, Ryan sighed before continuing. He’d keep going until Marc said to stop. “The other day I called Nate to ask him about something, I don’t what. Shelby maybe? His tone of voice sounded off and he was short in his answers. Since now we are more honest with each other, I just asked him what was going on and if he’d rather I call him at a different time. After apologizing, which was very nice, he itted that he and Mitchell had been arguing about Nate’s parents. And instead of talking, Mitchell just walked out.” “What!?” With a laugh, Marc said, “He stole my MO?” “I guess this is Mitchell’s new thing. Walk away instead of saying the wrong thing.” “That’s an interesting option. I’m not sure it’s a good one, which you’d think he would know from experience with me.” “Yeah, I guess he doesn’t go far, just like out in the yard or something. But Nate said once he went out to talk to him and Mitchell said he needed space. With Nate, you only have to say things once and that’s the way it is until you tell him something different. He won’t do it again unless you tell him otherwise, so who knows if it’s what Mitchell really wants him to do after that one time.” “Weird.” Well, guess even if Mitchell and Nate could do amazing things in surgery together, they were just like everyone else and had to figure out how to communicate with words. “They were arguing about Nate’s family?” “Nate’s mom never liked Mitchell, like from back when they were in college. She’s very much a New England academic, so Mitchell’s background isn’t what she’d prefer. I was more of what she expected for Nate. Now, she still isn’t really on board with them being back together and stuff. She wanted Nate to come up for Christmas with Seth but wasn’t too keen on him bringing Mitchell.” As he continued, he second guessed what he was saying. “Do you really want to hear this?”

“I don’t know. No. Kind of. I’m not sure if I want him to be happy or miserable. Finish this story and I’ll let you know.” “Understandable. Okay, so I guess, they weren’t going to come up for Christmas because of some other stuff going on. Then, Nate’s dad was getting an award and they were going to that. He finally said something to his mom about being more ive when they were up there. That didn’t work and Nate’s mom invited him to come up for a Harvard thing, but didn’t invite Mitchell. When he told Mitchell, Mitchell stormed out saying he couldn’t believe Nate was even considering going without him. But, according to Nate, he was asking if Mitchell really wanted to go considering that Mitchell isn’t that comfortable around Nate’s mother.” “Huh. Maybe if Mitchell had his own family’s , he wouldn’t have taken it that way?” “That’s probably true.” It was strange to hear Marc say something that sounded understanding of Mitchell, but Ryan let it go. Why point it out? Then he might take it back. “What did they decide to do?” The story was intriguing even if it was Nate and Mitchell. Ryan was a good storyteller. “They stayed home and Skyped with Nate’s parents.” This conversation was going better than Ryan had expected. Though, they didn’t get to the show yet. Looking at the floor, Marc said, “I feel kinda bad for Mitchell.” Then his eyes met Ryan’s. “That’s new.” Continuing, Ryan knew there were more topics of disagreement. “Plus, there is the Nate’s-son thing.” “What do you mean?” “You might that Mitchell wants to be a dad.” Of course, Marc ed, they got in a huge fight about it and he left him for a few days because Mitchell tried to get Marc’s mom to help him convince Marc they should have kids. “Hard to forget that one.”

“Well, Nate has one already but Seth’s not Mitchell’s son. Nate never thought he would have one, much less be an active father.” Ryan could tell by the way Nate had talked about Seth lately that there was more to the story, but he wasn’t going to push. “I also think Mitchell wants another kid.” “Huh. Yeah. It kinda seemed like Mitchell got an instant family, but now that you say that….” Lost in thought, Marc didn’t want to feel conflicted about his feelings for Mitchell. Debating whether or not to share this, Ryan decided, he might as well. “There was a time when Nate and I were talking about the ‘having kids’-thing, and he said ‘we’, meaning us (waving his finger between them), ‘had family that would always us’. But that wasn’t something he and Mitchell had. That for him, having a kid now gave him more of a feeling of family. It still sits with me sometimes because I know I can go home and even if there are challenges with my parents, they are there for me.” “Yeah. You’re making me feel even more sorry for Mitchell. I don’t like it.” Smiling a little these were new feelings, but he always knew his mom’s was something Mitchell coveted. “Well, then, hum.” Considering the options, Ryan changed the person that was the topic. “I don’t talk to Sergio about his communication experiences, do you?” “Not really. But I know he grew up very differently than me. Besides the single mom, moving to a different country, learning another language part, his mom is kind of a character, if you . I think their communication is different too. It seems like now that he is here, and Akemi is still in London, they figured something out, but I don’t know.” Laughing at the irony of what he was about to say, “He’s not the best at sharing his feelings with friends.” “Yeah. He’s such a good listener and gives great advice, but he is so unlikely to ask for help.” Sergio was such great even when he was the one in the hospital bed. “I’m a little worried about them. Akemi said something to me the other day that made it sound like he had no intention of moving here. I don’t know what that would mean for them.” “I know they were trying the open thing again since Sergio moved here.” Marc knew Sergio wouldn’t tell him if they were having problems. He was way too proud for that. “But I don’t think that’s what Sergio wanted.”

“I couldn’t do the open thing. It would make me nervous.” After Ryan said it, he thought better of it. “Before I would have said I couldn’t either, but it seems to be where I’m at now. Though I’m not sure it’s by choice.” If only CJ could keep it in his pants, and more importantly, off the internet. “I’m sorry Marc. I didn’t mean to bring that up.” “It’s cool. It’s not like I can be that surprised.” He knew Ryan didn’t say it to bring up something painful for Marc. And Marc didn’t really let anyone know how painful that was. “I’m glad we are talking about this.” Looking down at the script notes, he thought more about the idea. “So, where do we look for advice?” “I don’t know. But maybe we should show people how to talk on the show? Maybe our show, your show, should be an example for the rest of us as to how to talk to each other without arguing like that.” “Hum.” Marc was staring at the board. How to do this? Regardless of the around him, Ryan still second guessed himself. “I don’t know. Maybe this is crazy and doesn’t make for good television or something.” “No.” Shaking his head ‘yes’. Marc said, “You have an excellent point. We could approach it the way you did.” “What do you mean?” “Well, Ken could realize that the way they communicate isn’t good and he could talk to his friends about trying to talk instead of argue. Then, everything you just said.” Wide-eyed, Ryan loved it when Marc liked his ideas. “You think?” “Yeah. I think a lot of people can relate to this Ryan. I think it’s brilliant!” Smiling, he started to think about where he could get the answer to this. “And, It’s okay that you think of it as our show Ryan. It is our show.” “Thanks Marc.” Playing with a pen. Ryan was a little shy about it. “How do we

bring this up to everyone?” “Well, it’s almost lunch. Let’s go eat, then bring everyone back in and talk about it. Maybe one of them can be our example couple?” After lunch, they came back and called in the team. Ryan presented his idea, and everyone loved it. They had all struggled with how to communicate with their loved ones whether friends, family, lovers, all of it. This could work and was a great idea. Ryan left work that day with a good feeling about his career. He loved his job and he knew he had a future with this.

10

Silver Spring, Maryland February 2013

There were a few days before their meeting with the lawyer. Nate and Mitchell talked about the option of meeting with other lawyers. Do they see what happens first? It was all too much, even if it was worth it to stay a part of his son’s life. The next few days were awkward and uncomfortable. Nobody said anything about a job offer, or custody, they just acted like everything was fine. There was no way Seth didn’t notice that something was off, but they attempted to keep things the same. Since Nate had made the cut for the Boston Marathon coming up in April, there were a lot of long runs where he could think it out. Or obsess about it. The stress wasn’t helping him take care of himself. He was losing weight, but people thought maybe it was just training for the marathon. Well, some people thought that. Not Mitchell. He knew it was also because of this situation. At the clinic, there was also a lot going on. Mitchell knew his friends were there to them. He called Sergio and Paola asking for a meeting to get some advice. With Sergio living across the yard, it was easy for them to carpool to the clinic. Plus, Mitchell figured Sergio had to notice something was going on between the two homes. “What’s up Mitch.” Walking into their kitchen from across the yard, Sergio had taken to calling Mitchell ‘Mitch’ now that it was acceptable again. Mitchell had finished closing the lid on his coffee as he looked up to see Sergio. “Way too much Serge.” Grabbing his keys and coat, he asked, “Do you want to know now, or wait until we meet with Paola?” “Is our meeting not about the clinic?” Perplexed as to what was going on, Sergio watched Mitchell anxiously. “No.” He paused before opening the door. “It’s about Nate.”

Smiling, Sergio joked, “What did you do now?” “It’s not about me at all. I know, hard to believe.” He smiled back. “Does that mean now?” “Of course. You can’t just start and not finish.” “Okay. Let’s go.” Walking out to the car, Mitchell started to fill Sergio in on what was happening. “Nate is meeting with a lawyer Monday about shared custody of Seth. Gordon got a job offer at the Mayo Clinic and wants them to move to Minnesota. I overheard him on the phone. Plus, it seems like Gordon doesn’t think Nate is fit to be a father.” This was all before getting to the car. As Sergio stood by the enger side, he was stunned. “What?! Mitchell! Why didn’t you say something before?” Unlocking the door, Mitchell got into the car and waited for Sergio to sit down before replying. “Nate didn’t want anyone to know what was going on until we were sure.” “Ah. That’s just tosh. April doesn’t seem like that would be cool with her. Yeah?” “I agree. I’m not sure what’s going there. Seems like she’s been making a lot of excuses for Gordon.” As they drove to the clinic, Mitchell explained more about the incident at Seth’s school, some of the comments Gordon made, how he wasn’t into Seth spending time at their house, etc. By the time he got to the part about Nate losing weight, they were at the clinic’s parking lot. As they parked the car, Paola was at the front opening the door. Seeing the look on their faces, she paused and walked to the car. As Mitchell opened his door she said, “What’s up with you two? You look like you just saw a ghost or something.” “Oh Paola. Let me tell you.” Walking in, Mitchell filled Paola in what was going on. She just shook her head, there was very little to say that could help. Sergio sat down on the couch in Mitchell’s office, then leaned back to plug in the kettle. Tea would have to do, though they all felt like something stronger.

“How can anyone still think that way?” She was getting angrier the more she talked. Sitting in one of the chairs by Mitchell’s desk, she was slowly taking it all in. “Seriously. How could April even think about marrying this guy? She seems pretty cool.” “Yeah, that’s exactly what Nate said.” Mitchell leaned back to sit against his desk. His hands gripping the edges as he crossed his feet. “She has been weird lately too. Ever since that kid at Seth’s school said all that crap.” “What do you think that’s about?” Sergio found the tea and biscuits on the shelf along with some mugs. “I don’t know. I’m really worried about Nate. He’s been spending so much time on these long training runs. I can’t keep up with him now, so I don’t run with him anymore. I worry that he’s out there obsessing, but not talking about it. He’s not the most open guy in the world. And, I haven’t known April for as long, but I feel like I’ve gotten to know her, so this doesn’t seem right. When Nate told me that Gordon made some comments about the kid’s parents and how they should respect their point of view, I had no idea what to say. I can’t believe April would be okay with that, but she seems to be.” “You know, ‘kem’s sister is going to marry the guy that knocked her up because their parents are putting pressure on her to do so. It’s crap because he’s kind of an ass.” Sergio thought the situations might be similar. “Maybe April thought she needed to be married or something.” “I could see it would be hard to date with a kid.” Still shaking her head, it was hard to believe. They all really liked April. “Maybe she was feeling pressured to find a father for Seth?” “My first thought is, Seth has a father. But, you’re right. In the beginning, Nate wasn’t recognized as Seth’s dad and didn’t plan on being this involved. I don’t know.” “What can we do to help? Besides make sure Nate is eating.” Sergio handed them both mugs with tea before sitting back down on the couch. “I don’t know. I wish I knew how to help him.” Looking at Mitchell, Paola asked “Does Ryan know what’s going on?”

“Nate was going to tell him today. I’m sure he knows some good lawyers.” Mitchell was conflicted about Ryan’s involvement. It made sense, Ryan had known Seth and April longer than he did. Yet, it also made him feel a little jealous. “Wow Mitchell.” Holding her mug with both hands, Paola held it close to her chest. “When does it all go down?” “They have a meeting with the lawyer that set up the original agreement on Monday. I’m not sure if Nate is going to try to see a different lawyer first.” Looking at Mitchell more intently, Paola continued, “How’s Seth doing?” “He seems okay. They don’t discuss it around him and are acting like it’s all good. He’s gotta know something is different.” “Hopefully it can get resolved easily.” “Yeah, like April kicks Gordon out.” Sergio never liked Gordon either. He gave him a bad vibe. “It has seemed like something was up across the yard, but I never would have guessed that this is what you were going to say.” “Him leaving would be the easiest.” Shaking his head. When Mitchell said he wanted a family, this wasn’t how he thought it would play out. “Listen, with all this going on, will you both come up to Boston for the Marathon? I think that will help Nate feel like he has here.” “Oh, right. Of course.” Sergio would do anything to help Nate considering Nate was why he could walk at all. “When is that again?” “April 15th. It’s always on Tax Day in honor of the Boston Tea Party.” “Well, then, cheers!” They all clicked the mugs. “Here’s to overthrowing the British Empire and getting Nate custody of his son.” Whatever they could do to help Nate, they would do it.

11

Walter Reed National Military Medical Center Bethesda, Maryland February 2013

Standing outside the new facility, Sergio looked up at the windows thinking this was a bad idea. He wasn’t military. What good could he do here? There was stuff going on with the clinic, at the NIH and the drama with Nate’s custody of his son. There was so much going on. He should probably walk away and help Nate instead. Not that there was something specific he could do. He couldn’t really talk some sense into April, she was still unsure of the best thing for Seth. He didn’t really like Gordon, but at this point none of them did. If he could think of something, he would do it. Plus, it would be a reason to leave. Maybe he should just go? Since he started working at that NIH with Nate, he also began to see a new physical therapist, Radha Prasda, to work on his balance and the dexterity of his left hand. Nate knew her well and knew she’d be good for Sergio, which was true. It had been a few months of arguing with her. He finally agreed to come workout with her one time and see what he thought. Just come to meet the people she worked with here, he could help her out the first time, not have to do anything strenuous. Not because their injuries were worse than his. Not because their trauma was on a battlefield and not on an urban street. But because all the clients she had here had something in common with Sergio. They were living with having to rethink the way they lived their lives now. Their bodies weren’t the same as they were before and before they had great physical athletic ability. She wanted him to see that he could be that again, but there was a mental block that was stopping him. “I don’t know about this lady. What do you think?” He gazed down at Gracie, who smiled back with a wagging tail. “You think we should try. I know.” At one time, Gracie was there to help him pick stuff up, get around, balance to walk. She still did those things, but he could do a lot of it on his own now. She was becoming more of an emotional dog, which was just as important.

Reaching down to pet her on the head, he saw Radha walking up from the parking structure. “Hey Sergio. How are you today?” Radha knew this would help, but it would be difficult to get him inside. “Hey Dr. P. I’m okay.” “Good.” She knew not to push it with him too much. “Hi Gracie.” Kneeling down to say hi to Gracie, she looked up at Sergio. “You ready to meet some new folks?” “Not really. But, I’m trying to be more open minded.” “This will be good. You’ll like them.” She stood up, pulling her hair back into a ponytail. “I told them that you were coming to assist today, so you don’t have to pick up any weights except to help me put them away.” Radha was good at her job and good at getting Sergio to try new things. After comparing notes with James, the physical therapist he had in London, they came up with a plan to help him get that left hand moving and get him to work on his internal struggles. She was aware that things had been considerably better before he moved to Maryland. Probably meaning there was more going on than just physical limitations because of his injuries. She’d seen this before and had an idea as to what might change the situation. Working with a lot of tough guys that didn’t want to it they needed help, this wasn’t unfamiliar to her. “Come on, you’ll have a good time.” “Okay. Let’s go try this out.” Walking into the fitness center, there was still a newness to it all. The center had been open for about a year and a half now and more folks were coming by. All new equipment, the indoor track, everything was ADA compliant of course and it was designed to meet the needs of those who needed more . At the front counter was a tall, dark and handsome guy with a well-groomed beard and a gray Navy t-shirt leaning on the counter. “Hey Sergeant. What’s up today?” “Hi Havi. Working out with the regular crew.” Walking to the other side of the

counter, Radha grabbed the clipboard and started to write down her information. “Wanna us?” She looked over at Sergio with a smile and looked for some other paperwork she needed to sign. “I just finished. Maybe next time?” He handed Radha the keys along with paperwork she was looking for. Then, he turned to Sergio and put out his hand. “Hi. I’m Mahavir. Everyone calls me Havi.” Shaking hands, Sergio smiled. The hands were strong and confident, and still soft and well-manicured. What were the chances that this hot guy at the front desk in a military hospital gym was gay? Probably not. Plus, there were rules he had with Akemi and one was not having sex with someone you are going to see again. Not that he had sex with other people, even if it was part of their agreement. He didn’t really feel like sharing himself lately. The lack of talking about what had happened led him back into insecurities about the whole thing. Some of his issues with balance had returned and he was relying on Gracie a lot more. Which was fine with her, but his physical therapists knew that something else was going on. “Sergio. Nice to meet you.” “Dr. del Mundo is helping me out today. I’ll sign him in too.” Turning to look at Sergio, Havi said, “Are you also a physical therapist?” Big brown eyes looking straight into his made him forget everything for a moment. “No. Just an assistant today.” “Cool.” Looking over the counter, “And who is this beautiful lady?” “This is Gracie.” Gracie looked up and smiled with a wag of her tail. Then she looked at Sergio. After reaching to the cookie jar that lived behind the counter he said, “May I give her a c-o-o-k-i-e? Sometimes mine comes in too.” “Sure.” Cute. Had a dog. Gracie needed some dog friends. She didn’t have any here. It probably wasn’t the same kind of dog situation. He had to get it out of his head. Military hospital. Probably not. Either way, dog lovers are good. Though… Clearly, Havi had just showered, his hair was wet and slicked back a little. A few

strands fell forward as he leaned over the counter. “Would you like a cookie lady?” Gracie wagged her tail and looked at Sergio for the okay. “It’s okay.” He tapped the counter. “Up.” With that, Gracie put her paws on the counter and gave Havi a little kiss on his beard. “Oh. Thank you.” He scratched her head as he handed her a treat. “Here you go.” “She says, ‘thank you’ and so do I.” Even if he was straight, it was kind of fun to flirt while Radha was filling out forms. “Okay. We are all set. Let’s go!” She noticed the flirting and was glad to see Sergio smile. She knew he was probably making some assumptions but would let him figure it out. Working with Radha was good for him. It was nice to meet people who were overcoming physical limitations that were new to them. Trying not to compare his situation and be open to learning from other people was challenging, but he was trying. ‘Not a competition’ Radha would say to him when she could see it in his eyes. Not everyone wanted to talk about why they were working with an injury, which was more than okay to Sergio. He didn’t feel like sharing his story this time either. Overall, the day ended up being beneficial to everyone. Chatting as they put away the equipment, Radha could tell this was good. “So, wanna come back with me on Tuesday?” “Oh. Really?” Sergio was picking up the weights and balancing just fine, but he didn’t notice. “Yeah, why not?” She wasn’t going to point out that he was doing things he thought he couldn’t do, next time. “We can workout beforehand. Havi can get you a locker and stuff if you want.” “I don’t think public showers are something I’m interested in at the moment.” His scars were his own. He wasn’t interested in showing them off. His uneasiness started to come back. “And, before you say anything, I know my scars aren’t the worse ones here and all that. I’m just not ready.” “I wasn’t going to say anything about that.” She smiled at him. He wasn’t the

first patient she had that didn’t want people to see their scars, inside or out. Taking the weights, “That’s all you my friend.” “Well, yes, I’ll come back with you on Tuesday and even work out first.” He could tell by the look on her face that she was proud of him walking around the room with no like a normal person, but he wouldn’t it it. “Cool.” Putting away the exercise balls, she thought she’d try something else. “There’s a stationary bike class I think you’d like. It will be good for you.” “What!?” Get on a bike? Even a stationary one. No way he could stand on a bike. Was she trying to kill him? Turning back around, she just smiled. “It will be good. We’ll talk about it more Tuesday. You hungry?” He knew what she was doing but let her do it anyway. “Yes. But ‘no’ to bike classes.” “We’ll see. Where should we eat Gracie?” They finished cleaning up and got their stuff together before leaving the gym. During lunch, they chatted about how it went. It was therapy, it was lunch, it was casual and non-threatening. She was good. Even got him to consider the bike class.

Tuesday came and went. They worked out with some weights, then he helped her with her class. He felt a lot better. Next time he went in, he decided to try the bike class. Maybe Radha was right. He could do it, and he didn’t have to try to stand on the bike just yet. Another set of challenges: Not compete with the other folks in class. Not try to do things just because other people were doing it. Not care what other people thought about what he was doing. That would be hard. As he walked into the fitness center, he didn’t see Havi, which was disappointing. Not that he was interested necessarily, but eye candy was motivation. After g in at the front, he got a towel and a locker key. The key was not because he would use the shower, just somewhere to put his stuff during class. Walking to the room, there were a few bikes in the front, but that wasn’t on the

docket for today. Just getting into the room was hard enough. Then, a pair of eyes met his in the back. There was one bike next to the big brown eyes and a smile. The head nod led him to consider that maybe it was a bike for him. As he and Gracie walked to the bike, Sergio dropped her leash off behind him and she curled up on his sweatshirt with a sigh. “She not interested in riding today?” Havi smiled as he peddled a little. “Maybe next time.” He put his water bottle on the rack, then considered how to get on the bike without looking like he was as nervous as he was. “Sergeant P told me you might try class today, so I thought I’d save you this bike. I know my first class I wasn’t super interested in being in the front.” “I find it hard to believe that you were nervous about anything.” Too distracted by his own drama, Sergio didn’t notice a very important aspect of the story. Getting on the bike in a way that wasn’t obviously difficult, he thought he should be polite and chat while trying not to fall off his bike. “You called her Sergeant before. May I ask why?” “She was a Sergeant before she retired from the military. We trained together back in the day. She stayed through grad school and everything. That’s how she ended up working with all of us jack asses.” “Here I thought I was the only one with secrets.” Considering the potential reasons why she hadn’t mentioned her military background, he considered all the things he’d left out about his life. “True that.” Havi was still peddling slowly as class started. During class Sergio kept up okay. Gaining some confidence, he tried to balance pushing himself but not standing, keeping up but not racing too hard, balancing on the bike and in his head. The teacher gave options to everything. There was no pressure to do things that weren’t in his best interest. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed that Havi didn’t stand either. The consideration that Radha had told him Sergio’s story and he wasn’t standing so Sergio didn’t feel like he had to did cross his mind. But, she was professional and probably didn’t provide details to other people. Maybe it was coincidence? As the class ended, Sergio slowly got off his bike and stood for a moment with

his hand on the seat. “Did you enjoy the class?” Havi was also standing on the other side of the bike drying the sweat off his brow. “I did. That was a good challenge.” Smiling, it was nice to have someone next to him that was ive, even if they didn’t know they were. “You going to help Radha today?” Taking a drink from his water bottle, Havi was also finding his balance, but Sergio didn’t notice. “Yeah, I’m supposed to meet her in a few minutes.” He turned as Gracie brought him his sweatshirt. He wiped down his bike before grabbing his bottle. “Maybe one of these days we can have a coffee or tea or whatever?” Fairly aware that Sergio wasn’t really paying attention, Havi thought to put it out there. “Is England still tea country? It’s been awhile since I’ve been there.” “How did you guess?” Smiling, Sergio was getting used to being the guy with the accent. ittedly, he over exaggerated it sometimes, just to prove he wasn’t American. “Maybe a spot of tea would be nice. Okay.” Sergio figured it probably wasn’t a date, but friends are good too. It could motivate him to come to classes. “I should meet up with Radha. Good to see you again.” “You too Dr. del Mundo.” Stopping to reply, “Sergio.” Grinning Havi changed his reply. “Okay. You too Sergio.” As Sergio walked away, he thought about how nice it was to get moving again. Swimming was good, but he’d only done that in Mitchell and Nate’s private pool when nobody was around. There was a pool here too, maybe that was next on the list. He’d done it back in London, why was it so different here? Something set him back to feeling insecure about it all. Yet, exposing his scars might be okay.

12

New York, New York February 2013

After the long day at work, Ryan continued to feel great about his job. He was trying to get as much time writing for the show as he could before classes got too intense. His idea about Ken working on communicating better with his boyfriend was taking off and the scripts were rolling out. Everyone was excited about the new season with rehearsals starting the next month. Derrick was back from touring and was auditioning for some new shows. Since he had sub-let his apartment, he was staying at Ryan’s until the end of the month. Tonight, Derrick was cooking for them and then they were going to talk about potential Valentine’s Day plans. Although Ryan knew what he wanted, he had to figure out how to talk to Derrick about it. Opening the door to his place, Ryan hung his coat up on the wall hooks and yelled out, “I’m home!” Poking his head around the corner, Derrick smiled and said, “Hey! We are in the kitchen, cooking. Come on in.” “Who is ‘we’?” Ryan walked down the hall and into the open kitchen. There, he found Derrick by the oven and Shelby on the counter cleaning her foot. “You’re okay with her on the counter while you’re cooking?” “Well, she’s on that counter and I’m over here. We came to an agreement about space. Plus, then I could hear about her day.” There was flour all over his hands, so he held them out as Ryan stepped closer. Leaning over for a long kiss from Derrick before kissing Shelby on the head, Ryan replied, “Oh, so she talks to you now?” “I think we understand each other. Maybe it’s from my time in The Lion King.” Derrick laughed while he rolled out the dough. He was making pizza for them

with all Ryan’s favorite toppings. “That makes sense. She can be kind of chatty, depending on the day.” After pouring himself a glass of water, he pulled up a barstool to sit. “I have a question for you.” “Ask away.” Derrick was rolling the dough the other direction with a smile. “Would you like to chat with her more often? Maybe move in with us?” Wide eyed, Derrick looked over at Ryan and Shelby. “Um. What made you think to ask that now?” “Well, a lot of what we are working on for the show is how to have better communication, as you know.” “Yes…” “And I was thinking about what I want to do for Valentine’s Day this year.” “Ah-ha.” “I don’t want to make this a thing for Valentine’s Day because if the answer is ‘no’, that’s okay too.” “But…” “But I’d love to help you move in instead of going out to dinner or something. Then we can make it our apartment.” “Huh. Okay.” Derrick smiled as he flattened out the dough onto the pizza stone. “Was there more to your thought?” “Well, this is the part that is me making decisions for you too, but I’m telling you anyway. I figured since you sublet your place while you were on tour, maybe that guy wants to take over your lease and you can move your stuff here?” “That’s a good point.” “And you already have a toothbrush in the bathroom, a few drawers full of

clothes, some clothes in the closet and a key, so that part is done. The doorman knows you and knows you are here right now, so that’s easy. But, I don’t want you to move in because it’s convenient, even if it is.” “True. I’ll keep that in mind before I make my decision.” Derrick was just letting Ryan go with his thoughts, though he already had an answer. “Shelby would love it if you were here more. Then she can fill you in on more of her thoughts and feelings. She’d love to start her day with you.” “Shelby would. Anyone else?” Now he was just seeing how far he could take this. “I would too. I would love it if half the clothes in the closet were yours.” “Are you sure there is room?” He gingerly put the toppings on the pizza, trying to keep it even. “Very funny. I will make room.” Ryan knew he had a lot of clothes, but he could pack some up for different seasons, or give some away. Probably the second one would be best. Now the pizza was put together, he placed it in the oven. After washing his hands, he moved closer to Ryan. “So, you’d be willing to share this space with me?” “I’d be honored to share this space with you.” Spinning in his barstool so he was facing Derrick, he put his arms around Derrick’s waist to pull him in. “Okay, but logistically, I don’t know if I can afford half the rent for this place. Unless I start working at other types of dancehalls or something.” With his arms on Ryan’s shoulders, Derrick finished drying his hands before mes Ryan’s hair. In his best Elizabeth Berkeley voice, he said, “I’m a dancer, you know.” The Showgirls reference was appreciated, especially considering the conversation Ryan and Sergio had the night Ryan met Derrick, but Ryan wanted to keep this conversation going. “I thought about that and I don’t want you to be uncomfortable about money, so maybe we can sit down and figure that out too. I don’t mind paying the mortgage, but I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”

With a coy look, “Like I’m a kept man or something.” “Exactly. Like in Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Except, now that I say that, it sounds really wrong.” The racial dynamic wasn’t one that Ryan wanted to avoid. “You are free to leave whenever you want. Maybe that made it sound worse.” Smiling some more, Ryan’s concerns where appreciated. “I know. I didn’t think you meant what you are afraid you said.” “Well, I don’t want you to feel awkward or anything. We can meet with my financial planner if you want.” “You mean I would know your net worth? Monetarily speaking of course.” “Yes. I would like you to know everything.” Just holding Derrick close to him made him smile. This was home now. His home with Derrick and Shelby. This home was happy, ive, encouraging and he was loved. “Huh. Can I think about it?” “Of course.” Ryan was hoping the answer would be a quick yes and he could call the movers tonight. “May I have a kiss?” “Happy to.” After a very long, wonderfully romantic kiss, Derrick said, “And okay. Let’s do it.” “Yay! Can I call the movers now?” “Movers? I don’t have that much stuff. We could probably just do it ourselves, right? Didn’t you say you wanted to help me move in for Valentine’s Day?” Ryan had never moved things himself. He always paid someone to move for him, including unpacking to a degree. “I meant like let’s pick out new linens. But, okay. I can do that, I think. Do we need a van at least?” “A truck would probably do. I don’t really need my couch and TV. I can leave it with my roommates. Yours is much better. It’s mainly books and art.” Derrick started to think about how to change things up so it could really reflect both of their aesthetics. This could work. “Should we start rearranging some things now?”

“Sure.” Looking around the room, “What would you like to rearrange?” “How about the sheets on the bed? I think they would be better on the floor. The pizza will be cooking a while, so we could try out different sheets now. Or just kick those off.” “That sounds like a brilliant idea. Let’s go pull some sheets off the bed.” Before they got that far, Ryan’s cell phone rang. It was Nate’s ringtone, which was odd for a weekday. “It’s cool Ryan. Get it.” Derrick kissed him before walking back into the kitchen. There was a salad to make after all. “Thanks Derrick.” Putting the phone to his ear, he answered. “Hey Nate. What’s up? Everything okay?” Derrick watched as Ryan’s face went from a big smile, to one of distress. He watched him go from standing to sitting back down at the counter. Pulling out the stuff for salad, Derrick started to chop some vegetables very quietly. “Yeah, I think I know some good lawyers. Nate. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. Is there anything we can do?” Derrick just looked at him with concern. He knew Ryan would tell him once he was off the phone. “Of course. I’ll send that to you tonight, let me just check the number I have.” Ryan shook his head. “Okay…I love you too…Take care of yourself Nate. Bye.” Ryan put his phone down before saying, “Holy crap.” Tossing everything into the bowl, Derrick asked, “What’s up?” Ryan’s look was one of confusion. He was stunned by what Nate said. “Originally Nate was calling to ask me if I knew any good custody lawyers because they were going to revisit their agreement about Seth. He thought Gordon might try to prevent Nate from gaining more custody. He’s pretty sure Gordon doesn’t think he and Mitchell are suitable role models for Seth. Mitchell overheard Gordon talking to someone on the phone about a position at the Mayo Clinic and they wanted to be prepared. But now it’s worse than he thought. April

came by his office to say Gordon not only got an offer, is going there next month to check it out and he wants to take Seth with him. Gordon told April he thinks Nate should give up his rights because then they could just take Seth to Minnesota without Nate’s consent.” “What? And April is okay with this? I mean, I don’t know her that well, but she sounded pretty cool.” “She used to be. They were really close before. There must be more going on with her. It sounded like she doesn’t want to leave her job, but it also sounded like she wasn’t ready to tell Gordon no.” Distracted, he looked back at his phone for the lawyer’s number. “This is so wrong.” “Do you need to go down there?” Looking up at Derrick with a smile. “No. But thank you for suggesting it. I feel like calling April and saying, ‘what the fuck?’ but I don’t think that will help.” Putting the salad bowl on the counter, Derrick sat down too. “How does Nate sound?” “Worried. Stressed. Tired.” Ryan wasn’t sure about eating. If only there was something he could do. Reaching out to Ryan’s knee, Derrick asked, “How do you feel? I mean, you’ve known Seth since he was a baby, right?” “Worried. Stressed. Tired. And it’s not even my kid. I feel for Nate. Maybe I’ll call Mitchell tomorrow and see what he thinks would help. I don’t know.” This seemed like the start of a long battle. If there was a way to get April to come around, he would do it. “I never thought this would happen.”

13

Walter Reed Medical Center Bethesda Maryland March 2013

A few weeks of coming to the gym was putting Sergio in a better mood. After another workout with Radha’s class, he felt a lot better in general. Everyone was very nice and ive. He even told a few of the class about his own struggles. As the class ended, he talked to Radha about how much he appreciated her letting him come along. After a particularly tough workout, he felt better than he had in a long time. He was sweaty and tired in a good way. Walking into the locker room, he still wasn’t quite ready to try the shower, sauna, or hot tub, though they seemed very tempting. His eyes looked around the room at the variety of people he had now met and worked with. This was a good idea. It was a good decision. Maybe he could try the shower? Turning to the aisle where he had stored his bag, Gracie’s tail started to wag a little more. “I didn’t think they let ladies into the men’s locker room.” Sitting on the bench with a towel over his lower half, Havi was facing an open locker. He had turned to look when he heard the clicking of nails on the tile. Gracie walked up to him with a smile as he reached out to pet her head. “Hi Gracie.” “Oh. Hey. Um. Yeah. She gets special treatment.” Sergio opened up his locker, trying not to stare at the amazing degree of fitness that sat on the bench in front of him. He could have guessed what Havi looked like without a shirt, but he would have underestimated. Exquisite tattoos against his brown skin enhanced the beautiful definition in his muscles. The tattoos ranged from Hindu gods to American military themes in an unusually seamless way. He could cover his stare with questions about the tattoos, but he didn’t want to look at his beauty at all. Sergio’s insecurities were starting to get the better of him, which led to a reconsideration of the shower idea. If it were strangers in the room, maybe, but if Havi was there, no way.

“Yeah. That’s one of the plusses of this place. Dogs everywhere.” Continuing to pet Gracie. He wasn’t moving from the bench and looked exhausted. “Did you have a good workout today?” “I did, thank you. You?” He pulled out his bag to put away his water bottle, not looking too closely at anything really. If he looked at the hand putting the bottle away, he saw scars. If he looked up at Havi, he saw the physique he used to have, and wanted again, in multiple ways. He looked at Gracie who was sitting, smiling, wagging her tail. Hard not to smile back at her. She didn’t care about tattoos, or muscles, or scars. “Today was a challenge, but in a good way.” Havi reached into his locker to pull out a t-shirt before sliding it over his head. “Any chance you are free for that tea or whatever? I just need to get dressed, or I can wait until you shower and stuff. I’m not working at the front today.” “Um. Maybe another time. We should probably get going.” It just seemed easier to leave. Somehow, the confidence he gained seemed to slip down the drain of the shower he wasn’t going to use. That just made him more upset with himself. “Okay. Well, give me a second and I’ll walk you two out.” He reached into the locker to grab the thing that Sergio had yet to notice in all the times he’d seen Havi at the gym so far. A prosthetic leg came out. Smiling, he continued, “Oddly, it’s easier to put my pants on with this thing on.” “Huh.” Trying not to stare at the thing that he seemed to have missed every time he saw Havi, he did a quick memory check. At the front desk, there was a big desk in the way. In spin class, he was too concerned about himself and Havi was already sitting down. Around the gym, it seemed like Havi often had on warm up pants. He didn’t really walk that noticeably different. Huh again. Realizing the look on Sergio’s face, Havi figured he would just ask, “Didn’t notice it earlier, did you?” Sergio finally made eye with Havi. “I’m sorry, no. I was a little too nervous about getting on the bike myself to notice much. I have some balance issues sometimes from an injury, so I wasn’t sure how to get on the bike without falling down.” His eyes drifted back toward the leg in Havi’s hand. “If it bothers you, I can wait until you leave.” With a smile, Havi was sure it

wasn’t. “Sorry?” His eyes met Havi’s as he realized what he was doing. “My apologies. I hate when people stare at my scars, and now I’m doing it.” Sergio sat down on the bench next to Havi but facing the other direction. “I really am sorry. It was very wrong of me to stare. It took me by surprise because you are so…fit.” A smile came across Havi’s face. “I mean. That sounded really inappropriate. I’m so sorry. This is so incredibly rude of me.” He shook his head. How did he not notice? Why didn’t Radha tell him? Beside that it would be unprofessional and all that. “Not with your accent it isn’t. If you had an American accent, it would have been rude. But with yours, it sounded like a compliment. Which sounds British and kind of something else.” Havi slid on his prosthetic and fitted it to his thigh before grabbing his pants. “I lived in London for many years, but I grew up between the Philippines and . I guess it probably sounds a bit odd.” He felt ashamed about staring at Havi’s leg, he gaze shifted to the floor. “I’ll be honest. I wasn’t sure about coming in here. I have these scars on my back and left side from an accident and then multiple surgeries. I’m just not comfortable with other people seeing them.” Sergio sat for a moment, looking at his hand. “I know Radha suggested I come here because there would be people with scars and things, but I’m still struggling. Which is ridiculous because it’s been two and a half years now.” “It’s only been two and half years? That’s pretty good that you are here at all.” Now dressed, Havi figured he’d ask again. “Wanna talk about it over tea or coffee?” “Yeah, okay. To the tea, I’m not sure I’m up for talking about scars.” “We can leave the conversation of those until later.” “Thank you. Tea sounds lovely.” “Well, let’s get a ‘cuppa’ and talk about other things mate.” “Yes. Let’s.” Smiling, Havi must have spent time in England, or watched a lot of

BBC shows. His fake accent was pretty good and pretty cute. Still not convinced that there were gay people in the America military, Sergio considered that the idea of friends that could relate to his struggle would be of benefit. As would having someone to workout with. That would be good for now.

14

Potomac/Silver Spring, Maryland March 2013

Pulling up to the school, Nate looked around for Seth, but didn’t see him. Usually, he would be at his favorite bench watching the birds. But, not today. They had a big afternoon planned with a trip to the zoo and then yogurt where he could help Seth with his homework. The time he had with Seth alone was very important to him. Since the initial meeting with the lawyer, they still had yet to agree on a custody agreement. The situation was getting to be more challenging and harder to hide from Seth. With a potential new job for Gordon looming over their heads, Nate continued to feel unsure about the whole thing. This year, his birthday dinner was small, just a few friends. He and Mitchell used that as an excuse to spend a few days in Manhattan. Really, they were meeting a different lawyer that Ryan had found for him. He hated lying to April, but he didn’t trust that she was going to stand up for him. There hadn’t really been a time when he and April weren’t getting along, so feeling her pull away was painful. They were such good friends up unto this point. How would they ever recover? Parking and getting out of the car, Nate walked up to the front of the school thinking maybe Seth was inside. There were some kids running around and noise from some of the rooms. He hoped Seth was playing with friends. Once he got to Seth’s classroom, there were no kids, just the teacher. “Hello Dr. Blake. Did we have a meeting?” “Ah. No. I’m here to pick up Seth, but he wasn’t outside. And, again, Nate is fine.” Having people call him Dr. Blake reminded him of his parents and he didn’t want anyone to think of him differently because he was a doctor. He wanted to set the example for Seth that all career choices were worthwhile and deserved respect. “Oh, Dr. Malec already came to pick him up. He said Seth had an appointment.”

Gordon, on the other hand, wanted everyone to call him ‘Dr. Malec’, which was another thing he and Nate disagreed about. “Huh. Okay. His mom didn’t say anything to me.” He knew that wasn’t really something he should have said aloud. “Well. Since I’m here. How are things going?” “He’s good. He’s a great student and a very polite kid. He gets along well with all the other students. That kid from the incident in the fall has been very nice to Seth lately. That seems better.” Nate thought that was crap. But he let it go. “Oh, that’s good. Otherwise, Seth seem okay?” “Is there a reason you are asking?” “No. Not really. I just want to be sure he’s doing alright here at school.” “That’s very sweet Dr. Blake. He does seem a little quiet lately. Is everything okay at home?” His teacher wasn’t sure what Seth’s home life structure was like, so didn’t want to assume anything. “Yeah. There have been some family things come up and I want to be sure it’s not affecting Seth in a negative way. And, Nate really is fine.” “Okay. Nate. I think Seth is doing okay. If there is anything I should know about, please let me know.” Nate wanted to tell Seth’s teacher everything, especially what a jerk Gordon was and that he didn’t know about this appointment, but he knew better than that. “That’s good to know. I guess I’ll be off.” “Stop by anytime.” As Nate walked out of the building, he couldn’t dial fast enough. “April. I came to get Seth. The teacher told me Gordon was already here. Taking him to an appointment? What appointment?” “Nate. He didn’t tell me about it beforehand. He took him to a psychologist.” “He can do that?! What the fuck April.” Getting in the car, he knew he should calm down before driving, but he needed to be sure Seth was okay.

“Calm down Nate. I know. I’m not happy about this either.” “For what? What’s the name of the psychologist? Is he trying to prove that Seth’s relationship with me is bad for his mental health?” Switching to hands free, he couldn’t wait and started to drive. “I told you he doesn’t think I’m a fit father because I’m gay.” “We don’t know that for sure Nate.” “I’m pretty sure your answer means I’m right. Now do you believe me?” “There has to be another reason. This can’t be it.” “I think it is April. You really can’t deny it now.” “Let’s talk when you get back.” “Are they back from the appointment?” “Not yet. Gordon called me from the psychologist’s office. He promised to come right home afterward.” “You do hear yourself, right? Why would he have to promise that? Shouldn’t that be a given?” “Nate. Don’t make this worse than it is.” “Fine. I’ll see you at home.” He was too angry to talk about this and too worried to drive. After hanging up, he knew he needed to let Mitchell know what was happening. “Call Mitch.” As the phone started to dial, he could feel the tears start to form. “Hey Nate. You and Seth have some fun plans?” “He took him to a psychologist.” “What?” Nate filled Mitchell in on what was going on. It seemed unreal that Gordon could take Seth to a psychologist without the permission of either of Seth’s legal parents. He must have forged some signature or something. Mitchell decided to

leave work and head back to the houses too. They had to talk to April before Gordon got back. Make her see what he was doing. This was wrong. Getting to the house, Nate could see April’s car, but not Gordon’s. That meant he could talk to her alone. Talk some sense into her. Instead of going to his house, he knocked on her door. As she opened the door, Nate’s anger fell away. Her eyes were red and it was obvious she was crying. “Come in.” She walked to the family room where she had a bag of ice. “April. You know this is wrong.” “Yeah. I do. And I don’t want to move to Minnesota. But, right now Gordon has our son and we need him to be home safe.” “You’re right. We don’t have to talk about it now.” His arms wrapped around her as she leaned into him. “I’m trying to stop crying. But I don’t know what to do Nate. How do I make this decision?” That wasn’t what he thought she would say. He stepped back to look at her. “What do you mean?” “I want what is best for Seth.” He put his hand on the counter, he needed something to lean on. “So do I.” “And I thought me being married would be good for him. I think it is good for him to have two parents that live together and all of that.” She had the eye packs on her eyes, clearly trying to hide that she was crying. Nate stood there, silent. Unsure of where this was going. “I’m not sure what to do now. How to handle this. These are tough decisions.” “You think I’m a bad influence on Seth?” “No. That’s not what I mean. Let’s just find out why Gordon brought him there before we jump to conclusions. Okay?”

“I can’t believe you are saying these things.” “Please believe that I am doing what I think is best for Seth.” “Oh wow. Okay.” He didn’t want to sit down, but his knees weren’t feeling very ive. Neither was April. “When does Gordon leave for Minnesota?” “He leaves next week. He’ll be there for about five days. He’s back before you go to Boston.” “We. We go to Boston. You said you and Seth would come.” It was important to Nate that they both be there. They were both a part of his life and this was probably a one-time thing. Though, with all this, he wasn’t sure he felt strong enough to finish a marathon. Moving around in the kitchen, April felt lost and unsure of every decision she had made. “Right. We. Yes. I’ll be there.” “I wish I trusted you right now. But, I’m having a hard time believing you.” “Let’s talk more tomorrow. They should be home soon and I don’t want Seth to know we didn’t know about this.” “He’s supposed to stay with us tonight.” Leaning on the counter, Nate could hardly hold himself up. “Tomorrow. Let’s just move it to tomorrow. Is that okay?” Shaking his head, trying to keep back tears, Nate replied, “Do I have a choice?” “Nate.” Turning to face him, she could see the hurt in his eyes. “What do you want me to do?” “I want to see him when they get back. Why doesn’t he come over while you and Gordon talk. Just for dinner.” “Okay. I’ll tell him to go over when they get back.” “April. Is there something else you aren’t telling me? I feel like you are hiding something.”

She walked over to sit at the breakfast bar. With a deep breath she finally answered. “I think I might be pregnant.” Nate stood there, again, not sure what to say. His first thought was, what difference would that make? But then he ed the conversations they had before April decided to have Seth. Her family was rather religious and big believers in what some folks would consider ‘traditional values’. There was probably a part of her that thought if she and Gordon were going to have a baby, she should marry him. The struggles of being a woman in this culture, much less in science, plus being an African American woman in science weren’t things Nate had ever really thought about until he met April. Now, all those things were flying around in his head. Sitting next her, he asked, “I’m sorry if this sounds crass, but aren’t there tests for that?” With a small smile, it was new that Nate apologized before asking something like that. He was changing. “Yes, there are. But the ones I took are a little incongruent. It’s not something we were planning on doing at this point, so I’m not sure if that’s what’s happening.” “You mean, like you have taken precautions not to get pregnant and now you might be?” He got that birth control methods weren’t 100%, but it seemed like having a baby was something heterosexual people were in control of. “Yes. And that’s all I’ll say right now.” “Okay. I don’t mean to pry.” If he felt like he could ask her more, he would have, but he didn’t which was also a new feeling when it came to April. He was about to ask something else when they heard a car. “Nate. Please don’t say anything that will upset Seth.” Shocked, he couldn’t believe April had to say that. “Of course. I won’t.” “And let’s just talk more tomorrow okay. He can stay with you tomorrow.” “Okay. I really am trying to understand April.” “I appreciate it.” “I just want to see him and be sure he’s okay. Just tell him we’ll go to the zoo

tomorrow.” “Okay Nate. But, then, let us have some time.” April got up to put the ice away and dried her eyes. She knew she couldn’t really hide it from Seth, she’d think of something. As the door opened, Seth came in and ran to Nate. “Daddy!” “Hey little one. How was your day?” Kneeling down to hug Seth, it felt good to have his arms around him. He didn’t even look at Gordon as he walked in. “It was okay. I thought we were going to the zoo?” Resting his head on Nate’s shoulder, he snuggled in. Holding him tight, Nate replied, “Well, some things came up, but we can go tomorrow. Okay?” “Yeah, I guess. I am still staying with you tonight?” “No, but tomorrow. You can stay with us tomorrow. Okay?” “Okay.” As Seth settled against Nate, he didn’t want to let him go. He held him tight with his eyes closed. “Seth, honey. Why don’t you go put your books away and wash up for dinner?” April was standing in the kitchen. Looking over at April, Seth slowly let go of Nate. “Mommy, are you sad about something?” “Mommy just had a hard day.” She wiped her eyes before saying, “I’ll be alright. Go put your stuff away.” “Okay. Goodnight Daddy!” Seth gave Nate one more big hug before walking away. “I love you.” “I love you too little one.” Standing up. Nate looked at April. “I’m going to go. But, tomorrow, right?”

“Yes. Nate tomorrow.” Without saying anything, Nate looked at Gordon before walking out the door. As their eyes met, Gordon looked down. This wasn’t going to be fun. There was a lot more going on than Nate knew about. Walking toward the door to their house, the lights were on in the kitchen and he could see Mitchell cooking at the stove stirring something in a pot. He could hear Miles Davis’ Kind of Blue playing in the background. They had a wonderful, loving home with lots of friends and family. He tried to remind himself that he was a good dad and Seth had a lot of people who loved him. There were people that could help him through this, if he only knew what to ask for. Or even, how to ask. Opening the sliding glass door, he just stood there, unsure of what to do next. His eyes moved toward Mitchell’s, he couldn’t seem to talk. He didn’t have to say anything, Mitchell knew. Turning when Mitchell heard the door open, he saw Nate almost fall through the doorway. Rarely had he ever seen Nate upset, much less looking so devastated. Putting down the spoon, he was making the same meal they had their first night together in their home. He thought, one, it would get Nate to eat, which he hadn’t been doing lately. And, two, it would remind Nate that their home was a good one. Rushing to the door, Mitchell’s arms came out. “Come here. It’s okay.” His arms moved around Nate’s waist as Nate’s body pressed up against him. He had heard the cars next door, so knew Nate had been talking to April. Then he heard another car, so he knew Gordon was back. Words couldn’t form in Nate’s brain much less speak anything. His head fell against Mitchell’s shoulder as his arms draped around him. Tears started to fall as he shook his head. After a few moments of silence, he could only get out, “I. I can’t lose him.” There were only a handful of times Mitchell had ever seen Nate cry. The last few months he’d seen this happen more times than in all the years before. He wasn’t sure how to handle it or what to do to be ive. This was new. “You won’t. We won’t let that happen.” “I don’t know what to do, Mitch.” His head stayed on Mitchell’s shoulder. “I don’t know if I can do anything.” “We’ll figure this out. I promise you. We can do this. We have lots of to

help us.” “I don’t know how to handle this.” Holding Mitchell tighter, Nate sank deeper against him. “I can’t believe this is happening.” Feeling Nate’s body losing strength, Mitchell could only reply with how he felt. “I got you Nate. I got you.” Mitchell held Nate close and would forever if that’s what he needed. “I’m here for you. We are all here for you. We’ll fight this, together.”

15

London, England March 2013

So far, the long distance, open thing was working out well for Sergio and Akemi, as far as Akemi was concerned. They would visit each other and talk on the phone sometimes. They had sent each other enticing emails and texts. It was Akemi’s birthday, so Sergio offered to fly to London for a week to visit. His flight got in mid-day and Akemi said he had meetings. Sergio decided to meet him at the flat. The train was always fine with Sergio, but it did seem like there was more to why Akemi wasn’t picking him up than what he was saying. It also sounded like there were a lot of events for the week, leaving little time that they would be alone. Visiting with Akemi’s family, seeing the new baby, hanging out with friends in London. There were days that Akemi had to work, giving Sergio a chance to meet up with his football mates and talk a little shop. He wasn’t ready to play again, but they understood. He was also able to meet up with his old PT, James, and talk about what he was doing lately. The time they did spend at the flat was mainly without clothes. There was less discussion of what to do, just lots of doing which was great in some ways. It seemed like they were back to the fun adventurous sex life they had before with no mention of injuries or pain. After the first few days, Sergio started to wonder if Akemi was avoiding the topic all together. It was great to get tied up and ravaged again, but why now? Things started to stand out: Akemi not coming to the airport, an over booked week, no questions about how Sergio was doing physically. No discussion of pain or limits to the activities that they would partake in all over the flat. Part of it was great, but there was something wrong. After his meeting with James where he told him about his work at Walter Reed, he was excited to fill Akemi in on their discussion, but Akemi changed the subject and asked about plans for the next few days. Three of those days were going to be in so Sergio could visit his brother and his brother’s family. Originally, Akemi was going to come along, but then he said that some things at work came up and he couldn’t go. Regardless of what happened, Sergio could

not get Akemi to talk about important stuff. He’d just walk around the flat ignoring the issue or his mouth would be busy doing something else. He wouldn’t talk about the accident, about Sergio’s recovery or even meeting with James. And James mentioned that he hadn’t heard a thing from Akemi for a month or so. He seemed to only want to talk about their families and friends and Gracie. If only she wasn’t so happy to see him. Given that this time things seem different, Sergio knew he had to make Akemi talk to him. There was no way that he could spend another day in this weird limbo. With one more day in London, he decided it was now or never. Akemi was going to bring in lunch and maybe they could talk. “Hey Serge. I’m here and I don’t have to go back in. We have the afternoon.” Hanging up his coat, he put his bag on the ground. “That’s great.” Sergio walked to the front to greet him, just like old times. Holding up a bag, he smiled to say, “I got take away from that Indian place down the street.” Once he said it, Sergio realized that Akemi had not called him ‘love’ this whole trip. “Thank you. That’s very nice of you. Do you think we could talk about some stuff while we eat?” “Maybe we could talk about when you are coming back? Or, maybe this summer we can meet up somewhere?” Even with the bag in his hand, he leaned over to kiss Sergio. “Somewhere warm and exotic.” “That’s not exactly what I was thinking about.” “I know.” With a sigh, Akemi couldn’t avoid it any longer. “I’m just not sure I want to.” Reaching out to take Akemi’s hand, Sergio replied, “Neither do I. But we need to talk.” Walking into their living room, he put the bag on the side table and turned around to sit on the couch. “Oh. Serge. I just….I just don’t know.” Sitting next to him, Sergio said, “You know I love you ‘kem. But there is

something going on with you. I can feel it.” “It’s just been such a lovely time. I don’t want to talk about bad things from the past, or our future.” ‘The past?’ Sergio thought to himself. ‘I wish I could think of it as the past.’ “I have found a purpose back in the States and it’s been really good for me. I need to go back, and I want you to come with me.” “I know.” Deep breath. “But, I’m not sure that’s where I want to be.” They sat quiet for a moment. There was a lot between them, the only way out was through. “I need to ask you something.” Sergio wanted to understand exactly what Akemi meant by ‘the past’. “Okay.” Afraid of what was coming, he sat back in the chair. “Why don’t you want to hear about my working at Walter Reed or my meeting with James the other day? Don’t you want to hear about how things are going with me? Physically and mentally I mean?” “I can’t. It’s too much. It’s too hard to hear about it.” “But this is my life now ‘kem. I don’t really have a choice.” “I know. But, I just can’t.” “Well, what does that mean? How can we have a relationship if we don’t talk?” “This week has been lovely. I didn’t stop us from doing the things we used to.” He said with a seductive smile. His hand reached to Sergio’s thigh. “It felt good to be together again, didn’t it?” “It did and I appreciate that. But even that is different. You used to want to talk about how I felt after things. How we both felt about things. What’s going on?” His head fell to the back of the couch, “I don’t know Serge.” Taking a moment, Sergio thought to break this into parts. “How do you propose

we stay together if we can’t talk about such a large part of my life? Of our life? It seems like you are saying you can’t come to the States with me, yeah?” He turned his head to look at Sergio. “I want to be with you, but I can’t leave here. Not now. This is my home and now with my nephew. I also don’t know about hearing about the time you spend with people working with injuries. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s great, but I don’t know about being around it every day.” “And.” This wasn’t going well at all. “And, I’ll be honest. Not being reminded of our accident has been a little relieving. We have been through so much and not having to deal with it 24/7 has been a nice change.” “Well, I’m sorry I’m still around at all.” Sometimes Sergio’s Scorpio tail snuck out and he said things that were just hurtful and extreme. “That’s not what I mean. You know that. I just mean that I want us to go back to what we were before and leave the accident in the past. Enjoy our time and each other.” The thoughts ranged from ‘so do I, but I don’t have that luxury’ to ‘you have to be frickin’ kidding me’ as Sergio sat there looking at Akemi, not knowing what to say. “Look Serge, I understand that it’s easier for me to put it behind me than it is for you. But it seems like we should try. Don’t you want to put it behind you?” “It’s not that easy. There is a lot I’ve learned working at Walter Reed. That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.” “But I don’t know if I can hear it.” “Is that all it is?” With a look, it seemed that Akemi knew what Sergio was thinking. “I don’t have my eye on someone else, love. That’s not why I’m suggesting it.” His hand reached to Sergio’s cheek.

“I didn’t say…” A sweet smile came over him, “You didn’t have to. I know what you were thinking.” “Okay. It’s not someone else.” Turning to face Akemi a little more, he continued, “Then, I just don’t understand why you want to pretend it never happened.” “I don’t think I….” Looking back at the ceiling, Akemi sighed before saying, “I think I just need some time too. I don’t think I have really dealt with everything the way I would have liked to. Maybe it would be good for us both to spend some time apart to try to figure some of this stuff out. I have this guilt I can’t shake, and I might need to do that by myself. I didn’t want the time at first, but I think I needed it. What if we took a break for a while?” “Huh.” Sergio looked down at the floor. He never really believed in forever but didn’t think this would end so soon. He also wasn’t sure how he felt about ‘taking a break’. That wasn’t really something that had come up before since he wasn’t a ‘relationship’ person before. And yet, this seemed like the only option on the table. Not completely convinced he believed Akemi wasn’t into someone else, he knew he had to make changes if he was going to be happy. “Sergio?” “Yeah, ‘kem?” “I’m sorry this is what’s happening to us now. But these years have been the best 6 years of my life, with a few exceptions of course.” Smiling, Akemi had felt some relief from his pain while Sergio was in the States. Then, guilt for feeling that way. “I don’t blame you. You know that, right?” “I do. But I still blame me. Nearly three years later and I still blame myself. I think I need this time to figure out why.” It would be a few hours before they came to an agreement about their lives together. They both needed time to figure things out outside of the limitations of their relationship, but that meant different things to each of them. For Akemi, the idea of a break seemed okay. Check back in in a few months and see how they

feel. For Sergio, the end was the end. Maybe they could remain friends, but he didn’t want to think of it as a break with the intention that if they still needed space, they were just putting off breaking up. It seemed that either they had to think of it differently, or not think of it at all. Breaking up was the only real option. They knew they would see each other at events with other friends, Marc and Ryan’s in particular. And, what to do with their stuff? “Are you still staying at Ryan’s place behind Nate and Mitchell’s?” “Yeah. Ryan and Derrick come down to visit every few weeks. Otherwise, he likes having me there to take care of things I guess.” Sergio was leaving tomorrow, which was in a few hours, but it seemed awkward now. “Listen, should I stay somewhere else tonight?” “No. Please don’t. This is your flat too. I would like to spend this night together.” “Maybe I should pack up more of my stuff? Should we try to sort some things?” “Ah. That doesn’t sound like fun at all.” It was 6 years of t purchases, photos, gifts. It was a lot. There was a lot to go through in more ways than just physical items. “Yeah, but I don’t want to leave this here for you to have to sort. It might be good for us?” “You always want to do things that are good for us, but really hard to do.” With a smile, Akemi knew this was part of the problem. It was part of why they were splitting up and that Sergio was right. “This could be the last thing I ask you to do.” “Yeah, I know you’re right.” They spent their final hours looking at their life together. It was painful and brought them both to tears a few times, but it was good to clear things out. Make room for new things. They decided on who would keep what, what Sergio would bring to Maryland, what they weren’t sure about. They knew they had missed things, forgotten boxes somewhere, not able to look at some. But it ended with them feeling like they both appreciated their time together and still loved each

other. They spent the last few hours together naked and sweaty. It was a good way to say goodbye. Sergio and Gracie got on the train to Heathrow. He took a deep breath, unsure of when he would be in London again.

16

Boston, Massachusetts April 2013

There were goals Nate set for his 30th year. One was to qualify for the Boston Marathon. His family travelled to California in July of 2012 since the San Francisco Marathon was one of the options to run as a qualifier. Regardless of the giant hills, and incredible difficultly that marathon poses, he finished quickly, which meant he met the required qualification time to get his name on the list for a potential spot in the Boston Marathon. There had been no guarantee, but he completed the first step. Having Mitchell him for the second half of the race helped keep him motivated and they could finish together. It also meant they could spend time in Gay Mecca, then make a trip to Los Angeles to finally go to Disneyland with Seth. Disneyland was the happiest place on Earth that weekend. It was the place where it seemed like everything would be fine. It was before the issues with Gordon had started leading him to his current fear of losing his son. As 2012 continued, things started to go downhill. Slowly, Nate began to realize that Gordon did not have the same ive feelings about him involved as Seth’s biological father. Making it worse, it seemed April wasn’t as ive of Nate as he thought she would be. Their relationship had changed in the last 6 months. When Gordon took Seth to a psychologist, April didn’t kick him out for taking their son without permission. She just made excuses and Nate couldn’t understand it. Something had changed. At the time, April thought maybe she was pregnant, and she wanted this baby to have both parents under the same roof. If she was pregnant, would she stay with Gordon just for that reason? Who was the one acting suitable for fatherhood? To Nate, it wasn’t Gordon at all. When the registration for Boston started, he was relieved to get a spot. However, it also meant, he was really doing it. Training was intense and gave him an accuse for being out of the house for hours. It helped explain to some why he’s lost more weight, regardless of his friends trying to get him to eat. He could hide his stress about Seth saying he was nervous about the marathon, he was training so that’s why he’d lost weight, things like that. Everyone came to Boston to see

Nate finish the big race, including April. His friends all knew the difficult time he was having of late so wanted to be ive. April knew they all knew what was going on, but she was there anyway since she said she would. While Gordon was in Minnesota checking out a potential new job, she started to think about what she was doing. Maybe he wasn’t a good father for Seth or anyone. It was wrong that he took Seth to a psychologist without her permission. Especially since that psychologist believed gay people weren’t good parents. She started to pull away but was still a little torn. She hoped she could help change Gordon’s mind. The time apart was good for her to figure out what she wanted. During the race, they had given Seth a phone to watch Nate’s path and tried to find him at different spots. Seeing them throughout the race was more than just motivation to finish, it motivated him to fight for his son. As Nate approached the finish line, he saw his family at the end. Once he crossed the finish line, he caught his breath and wrapped himself up in the silver blanket they gave him. Then, he found Mitchell’s lips, kissing them with a big hug. He did it. It was done. It was exhausting, but it was done. He had kept a pace of just under a 10minute mile, so it took him a little under 4.5 hours. There was so much in his head for those 4.5 hours, he sorted through a lot and kept going. If he could run this marathon, he could fight for anything. More determined than ever to be sure he had shared custody of his son, April and Seth were the next ones he found in the crowd. Picking Seth up, he hugged him and wrapped him in the blanket with him with a kiss. April smiled at him, but you could see there was more in her mind. His arm went to her and they hugged with Seth between them. The hug was long, but neither of them knew exactly what it meant. The rest of the family was also there to him and cheer him on. Even his parents and sister were at the finish line. More importantly, his mom was nice to Mitchell. At first Nate thought maybe it was just because he was so tired, but everyone seemed to be getting along. Maybe she knew what was going on with Seth? Julie might have told them. Back at his dad’s award party, he had decided to tell Julie what was happening, asking her not to say anything to their parents. It was her nephew after all. He decided it didn’t really matter why, his mom was nice to Mitchell. That’s all that matter. After a while, his parents had to go as they had some afternoon plans. Julie had to get to a meeting at Harvard where she was collaborating on some research, so had to go too. They all agreed to have lunch the next day before they headed back to Maryland.

Having lunch at a café a block or so from the finish line, Nate sat with Seth on his lap, even if his legs were tired. Just relaxing a little to eat, they talked about what to do with the rest of the day. Nate said he needed a nap, but then he’d be up for showing folks around. It was his hometown. Once they got their check, they packed up the extra food and were about to leave. Then, they all jumped when they heard a loud bang. Nate covered Seth, holding him close, unsure of what that sound was. Whatever it was, it wasn’t good. The café people changed the channel of the television. Breaking news, there was an explosion at the finish of the marathon. He looked over at Mitchell, Sergio and Paola before handing Seth to April. Looking at them, he said. “Why don’t you guys go back to the hotel.” “Come on.” Paola ran out the door. Mitchell looked at Sergio as he stood up, “You cool with this?” “Yeah, let’s go.” He took a deep breath. This wasn’t going to be easy, but he was there to help. He handed Gracie’s leash to Ryan. “Can you watch her?” Ryan just looked at him confused. “Sure. Why?” Turning to Nate, Mitchell put his hand on Nate’s cheek before asking, “You coming or do you want to stay with them? Either is cool you know?” With a look of concern, Ryan said, “Where are you guys going?” Nodding his head, he replied, looking at Ryan and April, “If it was an explosion, they’re going to need doctors.” Reaching out to hug Nate, Ryan held him tight saying, “Oh my god. Be careful, okay?” “Yeah, of course babe.” Nate smiled at April and Seth before hugging them again too. Seth was starting to get teary eyed. It took a minute for him to realize something was wrong, not that he knew what an explosion really meant. “You’re okay Seth. Mommy and Uncle Ryan are taking you back to the hotel. You’re safe, okay? Daddy loves you.” “Daddy. No. I want you to come with us.” He reached his little hands out to hug him.

Oh, this sucked. “I know little one. I’ll meet up with you soon. There are people that need our help, okay?” He kissed Seth on the head. “Your dad and his friends save people’s lives. That’s what we all do for a living and we’re going to try to do that today. Okay? We’re going to be okay, I promise.” He knew better than to promise things like that, but he didn’t know what else to say. Moving his gaze to April and Ryan, “You guys go. I have my phone on me. I’ll check in when I can. I love you. But we have to go. We’ll be okay.” “Go, Nate. I’ve got him. We’ll take him back to the hotel.” April smiled with sympathy as he patted Nate on the shoulder. She was glad she wasn’t that kind of doctor. Nate was a good father and a good role model for Seth. She should have his back in this fight. She was sure that since it was going to be her and Ryan, it was likely that Ryan would remind her of the same thing. “Be careful.” Paola was practically there when they caught up with her. Running against the tide was hard, though it made sense that most people were running from the bomb. There was a lot of smoke and screams and burns. Although the police were trying to clear the area, they had to get in to where the people were. Explaining to the police officers that they were doctors and wanted to help, they let them through after seeing their credentials. Paola had seen this type of thing before. Back in 2005 there had been a train bombing in London and she was working in the ER as a medical student. They were all impressed, again, at how calm Paola could be amidst the noise and smoke. She introduced herself to the EMTs that were already at the event and helped set up a triage until the ambulances showed up. There were a few other allied health folks that came over to help to which she suggested a plan. ing that Sergio was okay with the surroundings, she asked him to help someone who was in shock, but not covered in blood. One person in particular was down, and she was determined not to let them go. Mitchell and Nate helped with triage, dealing with the people who needed immediate help first. As the ambulances showed up, Paola rode to the hospital with the patient that had kept her attention. They understood why she had to go and decided to meet up with her there once they got people stable. At the hospital, Nate and Mitchell offered to help with surgeries. They were a good team. They could work quickly and efficiently, especially together. Somehow, they didn’t need to say a lot while in the room. They might be able to save some people’s limbs. Paola stayed on the floor with Sergio knowing this was probably too much for him. After it seemed that everyone was stable that could be, she suggested they go to the cafeteria to get coffee and talk. They

couldn’t save everyone, which was hard, but they knew they helped everyone they could. As they sat down, they watched the news come in. “How you doing?” Paola reached over and rubbed Sergio’s shoulder. “I’m actually okay. Thank you.” With a sigh, seeing all those injured people was more difficult for him once it set in what happened. It brought back a lot. He wished he could call Akemi to talk to him about it, but that didn’t seem like an option. Last time they talked, it didn’t seem like Akemi was comfortable talking about their accident, much less anyone else’s. It might have been worth a try, but he wasn’t willing to risk it. He did know there was someone back in Maryland that would understand probably better than anyone else. But, he didn’t want to expect too much. “I’m here if you need to talk.” Taking a sip of coffee, she watched the news as they showed aerial photos of the bombing. “I know Paola. Thank you.” The images were stuck in his head. “I always knew you were amazing, but damn. I had no idea you were this amazing. How are you? I mean, this also had to remind you of 2005 and, of course, me.” She turned to look at him realizing the one time he was there to see her handle a crisis, he wasn’t conscious. “Ah, it’s a lot too. It’s been awhile since I worked emergency. I’m glad we could help. And, yes, it reminds me of you coming in to my ER and being worried I couldn’t save you.” They sat, holding each other’s hands and watched as the newscasters announced that there was a manhunt. They had been through a lot together. They had even shared an intimacy once that few people would understand. Their closeness was hard to explain to others. This was one more thing that they shared. And now, Boston was being shut down, everyone needed to stay inside. They weren’t going anywhere. Nate and Mitchell were upstairs performing multiple surgeries, saving limbs of those whose lives had been spared. “We should call Ryan. Let him know what’s happening here.” Sergio picked up his phone to dial. “Good idea.” Paola wasn’t sure what sure what else to say. To open the can of worms that was the past would be too much for a hospital cafeteria in Boston. Maybe later.

Filling Ryan in on everyone’s status, he explained that Nate and Mitchell were in surgery. Although the situation was serious, Ryan joked that only Nate could do spinal surgeries after running the Boston Marathon. That got a laugh out of Sergio, which got him some looks from other people, to which he mouthed ‘sorry’ while shaking his head. Sergio explained that they would head back to the hotel once they could, but he didn’t know when that would be. He could hear Seth in the background, so he thought it was important to remind April that Nate was a hero in this story. Ryan agreed and told him he would absolutely let her know. As Ryan hung up his phone, he turned to April who was sitting on one of the beds with Seth. They had given him something to color, which was only mildly distracting him. Gracie was also on the bed watching Seth. He had a lot of questions on the way back to the hotel and had finally decided he would just wait for Nate to come back. All the questions he had were hard to answer, but Seth’s questions were easier to address than the questions Ryan really wanted to ask April. He promised Nate he would hold his tongue about the custody battle. So far, his plan was to avoid standing close to her. This was harder to do now that they were the only two grown people in the hotel room. He considered going to his room, but he didn’t want to be by himself. When their eyes met, April knew she had to say something since Ryan had not talked to her all day. “Did Sergio say how things are going?” “Yeah. Nate and Mitchell are in surgery. He and Paola are waiting in the cafeteria. They sounded stressed, but okay.” His eyes shifted away from April, he couldn’t look her in the eye without yelling. All the conversations he had about communicating more clearly were useless at this moment. He wanted to shake her and say, ‘what the hell?’ Rubbing Seth’s back while he colored, she was hoping he might fall asleep. He started to curl up next to Gracie, which usually meant sleeping. Whispering, she asked “Ryan, are you avoiding talking to me?” Looking back to April, he nodded yes. “I don’t think now is a good time to discuss the why.” His gaze moved to Seth, then back to her with a tilt of the head. “There are things you don’t know.”

Leaning against the dresser, his hands gripped the edge so they didn’t start flying around. “I can’t believe there is anything you could say that would explain that thing I don’t understand.” Trying to put this in a way that Seth wouldn’t figure out, she thought of options. “It’s complicated. There was a situation that arose…” She moved her hand over her belly. “That led me to think people would be important.” Ryan stared at her for a moment. He wasn’t quite sure what difference it would make if she was pregnant. She already had one son as a single mom, and now that Nate was more involved, why keep Gordon around either way? Then, he thought back to a conversation they had about Scandal. He didn’t understand why Olivia made those choices if she was so smart? April had explained to him that sometimes people make silly choices for the person you love. At that moment, he realized he wasn’t trying to see this from April’s perspective, and maybe he should. It would be hard, because it seemed to make no sense, but he’d try. He was trying to see life through different lens, the straight woman of color lens wasn’t one he had considered. “Okay. And has that situation continued?” “No. But I just figured that out recently.” “Before various trips?” His eyes opened a little wider. “Right before. Kind of. I was trying to do what was best for everyone.” Shifting her eyes to Seth who had stretched out a little more, placing his head on Gracie’s belly. Walking over to the other bed, Ryan sat down across from April so he could speak softly. “I’m trying to understand, April. And I don’t. How is that best?” “I know it might not make a lot of sense to you.” Ryan kept still. His response wouldn’t be very nice. He just looked at her, waiting for her to continue. “I was thinking that he (looking at Seth) needed an everyday father. That I needed an everyday co-parent and husband. I thought I could get him to change his mind. Change his opinions. I know I was pretending not to see the truth, Ryan. I know. We talked about getting married before all this and he seemed stable, ive, loving. Retrospectively, there are things I can see now that I

didn’t before, but I didn’t want to see it.” A small tear started to form in her eyes. “Then, last week he asked if we should just elope. Get married. I started to worry. What if this is for the case, not because he wanted to get married to me. When we talked about Mayo, it was as if my career didn’t matter as much.” She paused, obviously holding back tears. “Does he know about…” Ryan moved his hand over his belly too. “No. I didn’t tell him.” “Because…it seems like something you would both be excited about if he was the right guy. Right?” “Ryan. You don’t have to make it any clearer than how I am seeing it at this moment. I know. I told Nate the instant I thought I might be pregnant, so why not tell Gordon? You don’t have to say it.” “I just want you all to be happy.” “Me too. But Nate can’t be by husband. I don’t think I can do this on my own. Dating with (nodding toward Seth), where his dad is the neighbor? It’s hard to explain to new people.” “I know that too. He can’t be by husband either, April. And boy did I want that. But, even if that’s the case, he’s important to both of us. To all of us. And he loves us. He’ll do whatever to help you out. You know that.” “I do. It’s just a lot to figure out.” “Is it though? Really? I’m trying to understand your perspective, I really am.” “I know Ryan. I know. It’s hard to explain.” “Try me.”

Back at the hospital, Nate and Mitchell walked into the cafeteria after their last surgery. They both looked worn out and tired. It was amazing that Nate was standing at all given how he spent his morning. His original plan was to sit in a

tub full of warm water and then take a nap. As they approached the table, Sergio and Paola turned to them with smiles. “Hey. You want to sit down?” Sergio considered standing up to give Nate his seat because it was closer. “If I sit, I won’t be able to get back up.” Mitchell’s hand reached out to Nate’s back as he talked. “I can’t believe you’re still standing.” Sergio could tell that there was more in their touch than just appreciation for medical skills. Once Mitchell thought more about what just happened, he’d need too. Taking Mitchell’s hand, Nate smiled as he said, “I guess it’s just what we do?” Turning to look at Paola, “And really man. Paola. Kudos to you.” With a few more words and little more small talk, they stood in the cafeteria dining room. As they spoke, a police officer came over to thank them for their help. He asked if there was anything he could do to say ‘thank you’. After Nate mentioned that although he knew they were supposed to stay at the hospital, his son was back at the hotel and he needed to be there. It only took a moment on the radio and the police officer was willing to drive them back. Being on the streets was weird since it was empty and there weren’t any people outside. There was an eerie calm about it all. Getting to the hotel, they headed straight for April’s room since that was where Ryan said they were waiting for everyone to return. Unsure of the conversation inside, Nate took a deep breath before opening the door. As he walked into the room, Seth yelled “Daddy!” with tears in his eyes and his arms out. Nate ran to meet Seth by the bed with a big hug. “You okay little one?” “Yes Daddy.” Seth sank against Nate. There were parts of the conversation between April and Ryan that he had heard but didn’t really understand. It seemed to be about his daddy, which stressed him out. “I’m okay. I was worried about you. Why did you have to go?” “I know little one.” Moving the big curls out of Seth’s eyes, Nate smiled. “I know it’s hard to understand. But people needed us. We needed to help some of the people that got hurt. But, I’m here now.” He held Seth as he picked him up

and moved to sit on the bed, rocking a little, hoping to calm Seth down. Hoping it would help calm himself down too, he closed his eyes and held Seth tightly. Then he felt fingers against his hand. Opening them up, he turned to see April reach out her hand, intertwining her fingers with Nate’s hand on the bed. Once their teary eyes met, she said, “I’m sorry Nate. I’m so sorry for everything.” They shared a sensitive, intelligent, wonderful child. The older he got, the more their bond had grown, until recently. The custody battle had taken a toll on their relationship. Nate was an important part of Seth’s life and hers. If the explosion had been earlier, or there had been another one, if something had happened to Nate. She didn’t want to think about life without Nate. He was a good role model and a good father. She needed to change the conversation about custody to ensure he was protected. Maybe Gordon wasn’t as good for Seth as she thought. “We’ll fix this. Okay?” He read the look on her face. He knew what she was thinking. “If you two had been at the finish line. I can’t imagine…” She scooted up closer so they could hug. Softly, she said, “I’m so sorry that I didn’t stand up for you. I shouldn’t have let this happen. This was too close, Nate. Too close. I can’t lose you. We won’t leave you.” “Thank you, April.” They both held onto their son. Their beautiful, inquisitive, entertaining, ridiculously adorable son. The son they would share custody of because he deserved two loving parents that respected each other. “I love you both.” “I love you too, Nate.” Her decision was made. She wasn’t going to Minnesota. Regardless of Gordon’s new job and his opinion. They weren’t going to live with someone who didn’t respect her son’s father. It would be hard, but she needed to do this for herself, for Nate and for Seth. Regardless of anything else. “Let’s talk later.” Teary eyed, Nate nodded ‘yes’. He knew what she meant. Nate started to cry leading Seth to say, “Are you sure you are okay Daddy?” “Yes. Seth.” Holding Seth tight. “I’m okay. I just love you two a lot.” “But that should make you happy.”

“It does little one. It does.” As they sat on the bed together, everyone else watched them from across the room. Although they couldn’t hear exactly what April and Nate were saying, they had a pretty good idea of what had transpired. It might not be the end of the struggle, but now April and Nate were on the same team. They would all be there to help in any way they could. Mitchell turned to excuse himself before heading into the bathroom. After turning on the water, so hopefully nobody could hear, he kneeled down over the toilet and threw up. Once the adrenalin had worn off, he realized what just happened. He was thinking the same thing as April; if it had been earlier, if Nate didn’t run as fast as he did. The memories of Sergio’s accident came over him. He couldn’t do that again. He sat on the floor next to the toilet for a moment, he just needed a second. It had been an emotional few months since all the custody stuff had started. Still unsure of his role, he was glad to see April come around. It was just so overwhelming. Why did this type of thing have to happen? In the room, Sergio sat down on the other bed as Gracie jumped up next to him. Petting her head, he picked up the remote and put on something less upsetting. “Let’s see what else is on.” “Good idea.” Ryan sat next to him with a smile. Whispering, he said, “I talked to Marc. Just to tell him we are okay. He wanted me to tell you he’s thinking about you. Are you holding up okay?” “For now.” Sergio’s hand came to Ryan’s leg. “You?” “I guess so. I don’t know.” Luckily, he had talked to Derrick to let him know he was okay and that he loved him, which made him feel better. He wanted to head back to New York, but everything was closed down. There was no leaving Boston until they found the culprits. “This is a lot. I can’t believe we were all here for this.” “I know kid. But we’re all okay now.” Sergio thought of Ryan as his little brother. “Let’s keep in touch the next few days too. Sometimes these things pop back up when you don’t expect it.” Paola had sat down at the table outside the bathroom. The hospital was texting her with updates on the patients she had seen. Once Mitchell walked back into

the room, he put his hand on her shoulder. Her gaze came up to him with smile, then she put her arm around Mitchell’s waist, holding him close. Reminded of the night they almost lost their friend, they watched him sitting on the bed with Ryan. Today was going to be another traumatic memory they shared and all got out of okay. The ‘if’s had stayed at bay for her, and she’d keep them there. She also knew he would have mixed feelings about what Mitchell saw across the room. Knowing Nate and April seemed to come together about Seth’s care was a good thing, but it also meant that it was something Mitchell wasn’t a part of and she knew that would be hard for him. However, knowing that they loved each other too would help.

17

Providence, Rhode Island Boston Massachusetts April 2013

Eventually, the police shot one of the bombers and arrested the other one. This meant people could leave their homes and Boston was re-opened. Since there were patients to check on and nothing to rush back to, they all decided to stay for a little longer. The clinic was staffed for the next few days. Nate had taken time off to recuperate. April wasn’t about to go back to Maryland without Nate, so she and Seth stayed too. They all visited the zoo, museums, and took a trip to Mystic Seaport to see some marine mammals. One particular day, Mitchell and Nate thought it would be fun to take the hour and half drive to Providence for the day. Since Paola had also attended Brown, she came along for the ride, dragging Sergio along with them. Driving through town, it brought back a lot of memories from when they were much younger. They drove by the bar where Mitchell worked. The restaurant where Paola worked. Mitchell’s old studio, the place Nate and Mitchell spent the first of many nights together. All four of them walked onto the Brown campus and by some old classrooms. Just chatting about their different teachers, other students, events they all attended. Paola decided she wanted to go check out her old dorm room. Taking Sergio’s hand, they walked off together. That left Nate and Mitchell to wander around. And there it sat. The library where Nate and Mitchell’s lives changed forever. “Let’s go in.” Nate grabbed Mitchell’s hand as he walked. “What?! Why? No.” Mitchell didn’t want to go in. He didn’t want to that decision that seemed like the right one at the time. His decision to leave Nate and go to school in London was a hard one to make and he still wasn’t sure it was the right one. Why go there at all?

“Don’t you want to see it?” Turning Nate stopped and looked at Mitchell. “No.” Shaking his head, “Why? Do you?” Mitchell couldn’t imagine why he would want to go in there. “I don’t know. I want to face it together, or something psychoanalytical like that. I want to walk in together and walk out together this time.” Nate was holding Mitchell’s hand tightly as he walked backward toward the library. “Come on, it would be good for us.” “How? How do you figure it would be good for us?” “Because, like I said, we can go together and leave together this time.” Leaning forward for a moment, he whispered in Mitchell’s ear, “Maybe nobody is using the room and we can pull the shades.” “That is really, really weird, Nate.” Shaking his head. “But, alright. For you, I will.” For Nate, he’d do just about anything. They both walked up the stairs to the study rooms. They walked down the hall to the room where Mitchell broke Nate’s heart into a million pieces, so many years ago. There it was, empty, with the door ajar, inviting them in. “Ready?” Nate looked at Mitchell with mischievousness. “No. I’m not, but I’m not sure I have a choice.” “You always have a choice Mitch.” Nate pushed the door. “Kinda weird that they haven’t redecorated?” Smiling, he said, “Come on. Let’s go in.” “Nate.” Shaking his head. “Sometimes (sigh), you are so weird.” He paused before looking back at Nate. “I don’t know about this.” “I was sitting right there. With my books spread out, trying to study. Wondering what was taking you so long. I had no idea that was what you were going to say, but I knew something was up.” “Can we leave now? I don’t like this.” “No, this is good. , you told me you regretted it, so now you can take

it back. I’ll sit here, and you come in say whatever the other option was.” “Only for you. This is crazy.” So much had happened in the past few months and if this is what Nate needed to feel better about their relationship, Mitchell would do it. He walked out and as he turned, he saw Nate sit down. Just looking at him sitting at the table again brought back so much. It was too hard to see him there, even if things were different. They were both older now, and yet, looking at Nate through the glass, he seemed like that kid in college. Then Nate looked up at him, just like he had so many years before. Mitchell knew he had to walk in and do things differently. Granted, if he hadn’t done what he had done, they wouldn’t be the people they were now. Seth might not be around, Mitchell wouldn’t have met Sergio and Marc. Marc. He missed Marc, but knew they were better off apart. The time with Marc was so important to him and helped shape him into who he was. He didn’t regret any of that. But he wished people didn’t have to get hurt for him to change. His eyes stayed with Nate’s as he opened the door. “Hi.” “Hey Mitch.” Nate smiled as he watched Mitchell sit down across the table. “Whatcha doin’?” Mitchell settled in and leaned forward. “Nothin’. Studying. You?” “Not much. So, I’ve been thinking.” “Oh yeah?” “Yeah.” Mitchell had reached across the table to take Nate’s hands. “Nate. I love you more than I ever thought I could. I did then, and I do now. I’m so sorry I hurt you back in college. I am. Yet, in some ways, I’m glad we went in different directions and then found each other again. I love your son and I’m glad April is willing to fight with you. I love your extended family, including your ex, which is slightly annoying. I’m glad you met all these wonderful people. Your mom was nicer to me, that was different, and good. I’m sorry that I did what I did, but I’m glad we are the people we are now.” Although there was a pause, Nate knew Mitchell had more to say. “Eleven years ago, when we were in this room, and a lot younger, I had two

choices. One, it how much I loved you, or two, walk away. Back then, I wasn’t ready for choice number one. Now, I am. I love you Nate. I love you so much and I want to spend our lives together.” This wasn’t exactly where Nate thought this would go. He thought they would talk it out, maybe make out a little. At most, someone’s pants would be down. “Mitch, wait…” “No Nate. You wanted us to come in here. So, let me say this.” “I’m just not sure about where you are taking this….” “These last few days have brought me to some conclusions. Nathaniel Hawthorne Blake, I want to marry you. I want us to get married. It’s legal in Massachusetts, we could do it while we’re here. I want to share vows, committing ourselves to each other, in front of everyone.” “Mitch, I just…” “You just what? You don’t want to spend our lives together?” “No, I mean yes. I do, but I don’t know about marriage. That’s a whole other thing to me, I don’t want to rush.” “You really think we are rushing? 14 years later? Let’s just do it. Everyone is here. We can have a party when we get home if you want. Maybe this summer? Hopefully with a lot to celebrate.” “I don’t know.” Maybe it was 14 years ago when they met, but they hadn’t been together that whole time. He didn’t want it to be that the trauma of the bombing led them to it. “I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking this is just because of the bombing. Partially, you’re right. I want to be your legal next of kin. I want to be able to ride in the ambulance, see you in the ICU and vice versa. If something happened, I want to know that nobody can keep us part. All this stuff with your right to share custody of Seth, got me thinking. There has been so much legal talk, but we haven’t talked . I want to be sure we are protected too.” Mitchell paused before he continued. “And, more importantly, I love you. I can’t imagine life without you. I don’t want to pressure you. I want you to want this

too. If you don’t want to, okay. But I want to tell you here, in this room. This room where I made the wrong choice before. I don’t want to do that again. I want to spend forever with you. Think about it?” “Okay. I’ll think about it.” Nate smiled as he looked at Mitchell. He really wasn’t sure what to say. “Coming in here was your idea and you know me. I think you did this on purpose. You know I’m overly dramatic and would do something like this.” Picking up Nate’s hands, he kissed them before putting them back down. “What?! I didn’t think you’d say you want to get married…. well…the thought crossed my mind, but I really didn’t think you’d do it. I just thought we’d have sex or something.” “Oh, we can do that too.” Leaning further over the table, he was practically crawling on it. “Are there cameras?” “I can’t tell.” Their lips came together with a slow, ionate kiss. “I guess since I fucked you over in this room before, it’s only fair if you get to do it to me.” Laughing, Nate leaned in more and kissed Mitchell. “And I’m the weird one?”

Once they met back up with Paola and Sergio, it wasn’t long before their friends knew something had happened. “What’s going on. You two look different.” Smiling at each other, Nate figured he’d tell them. “We went into the library. The same room where we broke up before.” “Okay. That seems weird, but and…” Sergio knew there was more. Swinging Nate’s hand slightly, Mitchell said, “And I asked Nate to marry me.” “In the room. The same room.” “Yep.”

Silent, Paola could not believe what she was hearing. Then she thought about it, and, yeah, that made sense. “And your answer was…” “After a little convincing…” Nate’s smile was a lot bigger. “It was yes.” “You screwed in the room too!” They didn’t have to spell it out, Sergio knew what he meant. “Good for you, boys.” Driving back, Sergio went over the list of things they would need with some from the other people in the car. When they got back to the hotel, they were able to make an appointment with the county clerk for two days later. That gave them time to tell everyone, find some different clothes, since all they had was running clothes and casual clothes, and find rings. They needed rings. Nothing too fancy or expensive, simple was okay by them. Inviting just their close friends and Nate’s family, there was no need for a lot of fanfare. It was still a little too informal for Nate’s mom, but they were going to come to the ceremony anyway. As they got ready for bed the night before, it all set in. They were getting married. Legally married. It wasn’t something either of them thought they would do in their lifetime. It would also be good to be in a courthouse for a happier reason. They stayed up late talking about what it meant to them to be married. How they thought their relationship might change. If it would change. Would this affect the custody issues? They would legally (at least in Massachusetts) be a married couple. It wasn’t going to be recognized in Maryland, but they would know. In a small room at a court house in Boston, of all places, they exchanged vows and promised their of each other. It wasn’t anything super fancy, no tuxedos, just black dress pants, shirts and ties. Their clothes reflected how comfortable they were with each other and still respectful of how important this decision was to both of them. They found Seth a tie that matched his dad’s, along with a cute little suit coat. As they exchanged their vows, there were tears from everyone. The events of the last year, especially the last few days, came to the forefront of their minds. Life was short and things could change at any moment. They were reminded of that once again, making this even more important. Seth handed them the beautiful, unique rings they had found at a little artisan boutique they happened upon day before. One at a time, the rings slid on each other’s fingers. Something to remind themselves of their commitment. Promising to care for each other in sickness and in health, to love and honor each other. Once their vows were spoken aloud, a kiss sealed the deal. They signed

the paperwork and kissed again with Paola and April as their witnesses. The wonderful women in their lives that had been through it all. There were hugs and kisses and more tears and everyone celebrated together. A few photos were taken for posterity. More surprisingly, once the ceremony was over, Nate’s parents invited everyone back to his childhood home where they had planned a reception. As they all arrived at the Blake family home, the formal dining room was decorated with silver bells and a banner that read Congratulations Nathaniel and Mitchell. There was a complete spread of food with silver plates and napkins and flutes for champagne. There was even a cake with two little men in suits. It was lovely and a complete surprise. Chatting and relaxing, everybody seemed quite comfortable in this place that Nate had never really thought of as such. Not until today. Today, it felt different. It was loving and warm. His sister Julie also mentioned to him how weird it was to be relaxed at their parents’ home. Things were changing all around. Walking back in from the kitchen, Nate smiled as he looked at the room. Watching people talk, his eyes met Mitchell’s. Turning, he realized his mom had walked up next to him but didn’t say anything. “Thank you, Mom. This was very considerate of you and Dad to put together. I appreciate you doing this. It’s wonderful.” “You’re welcome Nathaniel. We’re happy for you both.” She put her arm around her son’s waist but continued to gaze into the room. This wasn’t the path she thought he’d take, but she was happy he was happy. “Congratulations.” “Thank you. I am happy. I know you worry about me, but I am happy with Mitchell now.” “I know, honey. I can tell.” Maybe she would have preferred he marry Ryan, but Mitchell was growing on her. She hadn’t called him anything but Nathaniel for who knows how long. He put his arm around her, pulling her close. “Did Julie tell you about the custody stuff?” Their eyes were still on the other people, but they were talking to each other. “Yes. But not a lot of detail. I’m sorry you didn’t feel you could come to us. It

must be very difficult for you. However, it sounds like things may work out okay.” “Yeah. April and I agree now, which is good. She’s okay with a t custody agreement between us. We have some work when we get back. Unfortunately, I don’t think Gordon is going to go away quietly. She’s going to ask him to leave. There is likely a court battle in our future. I think he’s going to say that Seth being around us homosexuals isn’t healthy for him.” Looking at her son, she waited until he turned to look at her. “Is there anything we can do?” The corners of his mouth came up a little. “If I knew, I would tell you. But I really don’t know.” Her hand came up to Nate’s cheek and she said, “I’m sorry. I wish I could fix this for you. If you want to talk to me about it, I hope you know I’m here. Do you need a character witness? You are a wonderful father. He is a great child, your son.” This day was getting weirder by the second. What a great thing for his mom to say. What a weird thing for his mom to say. And with an open demonstration of affection to boot! “Thank you, Mom. That means a lot to me.” “You’re welcome. It’s the truth. You and Mitchell seem to be providing a loving home for Seth.” Her hand came back down as her gaze returned to the room. “I’m glad April sees that now and sees how important you are to him.” “Me too.” He looked at her this time and waited until she looked at him before saying, “Why don’t you come down this summer? Spend some time in the big yard with the pool?” “We would love to. That sounds lovely.” She smiled in a way Nate wasn’t familiar with before saying, “Will your friend Sergio be there? He probably looks pretty good in a swimsuit.” Laughing, of course she was right, but who knew his mom thought these things? “Yes. He’ll be there. And he definitely does.” If he had known all he had to do to gain his mother’s approval was be a good dad and have attractive friends, maybe he would have done that earlier. Why go to so much school? Well, he actually

loved his work. As both their eyes moved over to watch Sergio talking to Julie across the room, he was reminded of the many people who benefited from his career choices. “Let’s make some plans before we leave.” Smiling back up at Nate, she replied, “Sounds good, Nate. You should go your husband now, son.” With another smile she stated, “That is point of this party.” “Okay mom.” He leaned down and gave her a kiss on the cheek before walking to Mitchell. Greeting him with a kiss, his arm moved around Mitchell’s waist. “I can’t believe my parents did all this for us.” “Tell me about it. Your mom even gave me a hug.” Mitchell’s smile was hard to miss and hadn’t left his face all day. “It’s almost like she accepts me now. How weird is that?” “I think she might. She even put your name on the banner. And it’s spelled correctly.” Not that Mitchell was difficult to spell correctly, but her attitude before would have brought him to think she’d leave out letters or something. “It’s weird. Good. But weird.” Mitchell’s eyes softened as he looked Nate in the eye. “I love you, you know?” “I do. I love you too Mitch.” With another kiss, Nate felt a little hand tug his arm. Seth was standing before them. “What is it little one?” “Some people would like to take a photo.” Seth looked up at both of them as he said it. “Oh. Okay. May I pick you up?” With his usual ‘that’s ridiculous look’, Seth replied, “Not with me Daddy. Of you two.” “Oh. Okay.” They looked up to see the room was looking at them. They figured maybe they should say something. Something to let everyone in the room know how much they were appreciated. Thanking everyone coming, thanking Nate’s parents for the reception, thanking the people of Massachusetts for letting them get legally married in the first place. Everyone toasted the happy couple, sharing food and wine and quality time.

As the afternoon continued, Paola gave the first toast after Nate and Mitchell. She was the one that had known them both in undergrad and knew them as adults now. Reminiscing while they had walked around Brown had brought up some memories, and she was happy to share. It was a lovely toast with some laughs and some touching comments from a conversation she had with Mitchell right after he met Nate. He had told her Nate was the one right after their first date. She kept the story clean saying it was a date when they all knew it was a night. Maybe it was a convoluted path to get there, but he was right. April couldn’t get through her toast, she started to cry after the first few lines. Once she said what a great father Nate was, it was over. The past few months had been difficult for them, but they were happy to have finally reached some common ground. There would be a fight ahead, but, at least they had each other. He walked to her with his arms out. Then he picked up Seth and the three of them hugged.

Later that evening, they all sat in the hotel bar for a cocktail. Ryan had to head back to Manhattan, but he gave them all hugs and kisses before he left. He spent an extra moment hugging April, just to say ‘thank you for changing your mind’ and that he was beginning to worry about her. As time went on, Seth was asleep in April’s arms, draped over her like a blanket. Paola was telling them stories about Brown and all the ridiculous things that happened. Gracie had also fallen asleep on Sergio’s feet, so he wasn’t going anywhere. It had been a very tough few months, but they were glad to be there together. Under the table, Mitchell and Nate held hands as they talked about how surprising the day had been. The music was low, but when Mitchell heard Justin Timberlake’s Mirrors start to play, he stood up. The song had only been out a few months, but every time he heard it, it made him think of Nate with a smile. Putting out his hand, he said, “Dance with me?” “Here?” Nate looked up at Mitchell, surprised to be asked. “Yeah, why not?” The first few bars continued, he wanted to be dancing before the words started. “Because we are in a hotel bar?” He realized everyone else now saw that Mitchell was standing.

“And, we just got married. Come on. First dance as my spouse.” “I’m not getting out of this, am I?” Smiling, Nate knew he would enjoy dancing, once they started. “Nope. You can’t now. We’re married now.” As Nate stood up, he shook his head. “So, I have to dance with you? That seems wrong. I don’t seeing that in the paperwork.” Pulling Nate closer to his chest, Mitchell replied with a smile. “Fine print. It was there.” “What am I going to do with you Mitchell Davis?” Standing this close to Mitchell did feel like home. Leaning in for kiss, “I’m hoping you’ll love me.” Everyone gave an “ah” together. Shaking his head with a smile, Nate replied, “That is the mushiest thing I ever heard.” “Yeah, and you love it.” Kissing, the song seemed perfect. Mitchell sang to Nate as they danced. Show me how to fight for now And I’ll tell you, baby, it was easy Coming back into you once I figured it out You were right here all along And now it’s clear as this promise that we’re making, two reflections into one.

It was like he wrote it for them.

18

Bethesda, Maryland July 2013

Being Dr. P’s assistant, or Sergeant P depending on who was around, was overwhelmingly beneficial to Sergio and all his friends could tell. The changes in his personality were palpable. He was getting back to the strong, confident Sergio they knew before, but with a little more humility. The real Sergio was moving to the forefront, no more hiding behind the sexual persona of his past or the damage he used as a shield in more recent years. Getting a chance to talk to other people about their recoveries, struggles, successes and setbacks helped him come to better with himself. It was a more honest version of him. Yet, there were still some things keeping him from finding a comfortable balance in his mind. Still things to come to with. And he was in no hurry to resolve those things. He knew time was part of the process. There was another beneficial aspect of being at Walter Reed, that was Havi. That part Sergio hadn’t really shared with his friends because he didn’t know what to say. He was a new friend. That was it. A friend. A mate. A guy to hang out with. After the first time they went for tea, they started making a regular thing of the bike class and then coffee or tea or whatever. A few times, tea became lunch. Having a gym-buddy helped get Sergio in the door, even in the pool again. Havi got him to try more classes, lift slightly heavier weights, do one more set. He even got Sergio to go to yoga classes again, which helped him be more grounded in many ways. Feeling stronger and more comfortable with himself, Sergio opened up a bit more. The athlete in him was also coming back, it had been three years since the accident now. For most of those years, he couldn’t even watch football. It was too difficult to see it and not be able to do. At first, if it was on, he’d watch for a while. Then usually get discouraged and leave. Even that was changing, though, regardless of being in America, he still wouldn’t call it soccer. Once or twice, it would be on in the place where they’d be having lunch and they would talk about who was playing. They’d watch and critique the game. Sergio would leave

out his usual mention of their bodies since he wasn’t sure how comfortable Havi would be with that. They even watched some of the FIFA U-20 World Cup matches, especially with in the finals. It wasn’t all talk about the gym. Over various food, tea and coffee, Sergio learned that Havi was not born in the United States. He had relocated for college where he studied linguistics at Columbia. While ordering his coffee, Havi shared that brewed coffee came from Yemen, which was where he was born. Although his father was from Yemen, his mother was from India. That was where they lived now. Yemen had become a dangerous place and his mother wanted to be closer to her parents. He too was of two very different cultures and different languages, just like Sergio. His mother was Hindu and his father Muslim, which led to other fascinating conversations about parents, upbringings and things other people wouldn’t understand. It also led to a conversation about immigrating to America and the military. Why Havi would the American military if he wasn’t a citizen at the time was difficult to explain to other people. There were other similarities about their lives, they both moved around a lot, they both had difficulties relating to one culture over the other. They both struggled with identity and struggled with physical limitations after being raised to believe that men should be strong and, well, manly. The conversation stopped with ethnicity and religion, never touching on the sexuality thing, but overall good to talk to someone who understood. It also helped that Gracie really liked Havi, and her opinion mattered most. Sergio and Ryan had long conversations about how the animals in their lives had to be the ones that chose the new people. It took a while before Gracie met Havi’s dog, Brady, but when they did, it was kismet. She liked Havi but loved Brady. The first time Gracie met Brady, they met at the dog park to see if their dogs would get along. Once Brady was in view, Gracie sat like she was supposed to, but her tail was going a mile a minute. When Sergio let her go, she ran to him, sniffed his neck and everything else, then they ran around the park together. A few more trips to the dog park followed with more great conversation about their dogs, the gym, sports. Guy stuff. Just two guys, hanging with their dogs at a dog park talking football. No big deal. This particular day, they were meeting at a dog park in Havi’s neighborhood. Sergio was there early, getting around without driving himself meant planning ahead. Gracie was already finding friends, though she knew Brady was on the way. He knew she’d let him know when they arrived. Sure enough she started

running to the gate long before Sergio saw Havi’s Jeep. Once out of the car, Brady patiently waited for Havi, tail wagging a mile a minute. Meeting at the gated entrance to the park, the dogs were very excited to see each other, but trying to behave. “I think he knows when we are coming to meet up with you two.” Havi had Brady’s leash and harness on his arm and two cups, one in each hand. With a smile and a glimmer in his eye he handed Sergio a cup saying, “Here, I got you a tea.” Taking one of the cups so Havi and Brady could come into the dog park, Sergio replied. “Oh. Thank you. That is very nice of you.” Sergio took the cup that said, ‘Sergio’ and it tasted like the way he always made it. “Perfect.” Havi had added just the right amount of cream and sugar. How nice that he noticed. “You are welcome.” Once inside the park, they walked as the dogs said ‘hello’ and then started to run around. After taking a sip of his coffee, Havi stated, “Missed you at the gym today.” “Yeah, I had work at the clinic to do. Plus, I’m a little sore from yesterday. Dog park seemed like a better option.” Taking a sip himself, he was feeling more anxious than normal. Something about Havi’s wet hair from the shower he had obviously taken after his work out. Images of Havi in the shower led to his heart racing a bit. Motioning to the bench, Havi continued. “Should we sit while they play? I think we will be here for a while and, to be honest, my leg is feeling a little tired.” Rubbing his thigh, it was a tough workout yesterday, so he took it pretty easy today. “Yeah, sure.” Being open about their physical challenges was one of the things Sergio appreciated about their friendship. Friendship. That was it. “And, I think you’re right about the dogs. She seemed to know too. She doesn’t have a lot of dog friends.” He thought about the dog friends she left behind in London. She didn’t really get a chance to say goodbye to them because she didn’t really know they were moving. She knew something was up, maybe she did know they were moving. He couldn’t really ask her. Either way, she couldn’t call them to check in or anything. She couldn’t email or Skype with them. New friends were good for her too. “I think she misses her dog friends back in London.” “Do you?” Sergio didn’t talk about London very often. Havi had the impression

that he left someone there but didn’t know much about the whole thing. And, he didn’t ask for a lot of detail, he was more for letting people share when they were ready. Walking closer to a bench, keeping their eyes on the dogs, “Miss your friends, or her friends?” Looking over to Havi, Sergio tilted his head a little before saying, “Sometimes.” He took a sip of tea. Before continuing. “But, my good friends from London moved here, which is how I ended up in Maryland, of all places.” Realizing that they spent a lot of time talking about their recoveries and their biological families, they hadn’t really talked about their day to day lives outside of the gym. Maybe it was time to share? “I left one person there that I miss. We didn’t stay friends. That’s over now.” “Oh. I’m sorry to hear that.” Putting down the leash and vest, Havi took a seat. He wasn’t that sorry, because it meant Sergio was single. “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.” “Thanks. It was hard at first, but I feel better about it now.” As he sat down, Sergio noticed that Brady’s vest said, ‘emotional dog’. He hadn’t asked how or why Havi had a dog. Nor had he noticed the vest before. Did he not have it on the other trips to the park? His eyes were fixed on the vest and he forgot where he was in the story that he had yet to really start. It was convenient since he didn’t really know how to share that part of his life. “You want to ask about Brady’s vest first?” Pretty much anything Sergio said was intriguing because of those green eyes and his accent, but Havi knew there were limits to what he’d be comfortable talking about. “I keep just staring at things. I’m so sorry. I didn’t notice what it said before. I can’t believe how rude I’ve been.” “It’s okay.” ‘Been’ always sounds better with an accent. It was cute. Even without the accent, it would have been okay. Though the accent helped it seem less rude. “Do you want me to tell you how I met Brady, then you don’t have to tell me about the person that you left in London?” “Maybe?” With a smile, Sergio sat back and looked out to see a very happy Gracie running around after Brady. How did he not know how Havi met Brady? He’d shared that Gracie was his dog after an accident, but nothing specific. Looking back at Havi, “If you don’t mind.”

“I don’t mind at all. It’s a good story. Long or short version?” “Ah, the long one?” Once he said it, he smiled with that sparkle in those green eyes. “Put’s my sharing off for longer.” “Okay, but you got a tissue? It’s a tearjerker.” “Oh. Maybe I’m not ready?” “Too bad. Now you have to hear it.” Havi took a sip of his coffee. He crossed his bad leg over the other one. “Brady found us in the desert. He came upon our camp one night while we were doing some recon for, well, for military action, or attack to put it simply. He was so skinny and dehydrated that we all pooled what water we had for him but had to be sure he didn’t drink it all at once and then throw it up. We’d all done that more than once by this point, so we knew it happens. We had started calling him ‘Brady’ because one of my team was a big Patriots fan. When Brady came into the tent, he had grabbed the guy’s Tom Brady sweatshirt and made it his bed. Even though Hank was pissed, it was a dog, so it was okay.” “Understandable, he’s a pretty cute dog.” Sometimes Sergio forgot that Havi was a Navy SEAL. That his story was one with bullets and explosions. Sergio’s experience in Boston gave him a glimpse of what that was like, however, he got to leave. It wasn’t an everyday thing. Considering that Havi ed up to fight the people that were tearing up his father’s homeland and insulting his family’s religion with their actions, there must have been a lot of emotion in that. It was humbling, so he just listened. “The other part was we were supposed to be staying low, nobody should have known we were there. A dog following us around made it a little harder for us to hide. Our superiors told us we had to get rid of the dog, but nobody was willing to do that.” “I’m not sure I want to know what they meant, by ‘get rid of the dog’.” Sergio took another sip of his tea and shifted to sitting on the edge of the bench. “You’re right, you don’t.” Havi turned to look at Sergio, then looked back at Brady running free. “He kept next to me most of the time. Since I spoke Dari, or Farsi, I was usually the one that would go into town to find stuff out. When I did, I’d often leave him with the guys. Occasionally, he’d come with and I’d be a

herder or something to explain why I had a dog.” In Sergio’s head, he made a note to self: ‘Havi lied and shot at people for living’. But he didn’t get the impression he lied very often here. Lies and decent for a good reason, maybe? Still a strange job to have. “Okay.” He turned to look at Sergio, being sure he’d get the truth to his question. Not everyone wanted to hear this part. There was a look in his eyes of sincerity and a little fear. He still had a bit of a smile as he said, “So, here’s the leg story too. Ready?” “Probably not. I guess so.” The leg story and the Brady story were the same story? Okay. This was likely going to be a tough story to hear. “You sure you feel like sharing?” Havi’s eyes met Sergio’s as the corners of his mouth moved up. “With you? Any time. Here it is: I took him with me one day and he was sniffing things along the way, which was taking us too long to get where we need to go. It was kind of getting on my nerves. I kept calling him to come on, but he was sniffing everything. Retrospectively, I think he knew what was up. Then, I called him and didn’t look where I stepped. In fact, if I hadn’t turned to call him, I would have had my weight on my front leg when the explosion happened. It could have been a lot worse.” “Oh my god. How frightening.” Sergio had already put his hand on his mouth and his eyes were widening as Havi spoke. “Well, I don’t much of it. I him barking as he ran toward me, which was why I turned around. Then I a really loud sound, a lot of heat and rolling into a ditch. That’s about it.” A sip of coffee helped him finish the story. “When I didn’t return to camp, my team came to look for me. They didn’t see me at first. Brady ran out to the jeep. He had been sitting on me, hiding me from other trucks coming by. He barked at them, and they followed him to me.” Turning to Sergio, “He saved my life. I owe him everything. So, it was the least I could do to bring him home with me and give him a proper home.” “Oh, wow.” Looking out at the two of them, Gracie had been a lifesaver to Sergio, but not as literally.

“Yeah. He is an amazing dog. When I got back, I didn’t feel comfortable without him. You know how people look at you when you have a dog in a restaurant, and you don’t have a white cane?” “Yeah.” He thought of all times in theaters, museums and on the train. “When I was in a bad mood, I’d show people my scars and explain my paralysis.” “Understandable. And a little mean.” Havi laughed as he thought, ‘other people have seen the scars, okay.’ “When I got back, I was in a bad place. I was injured, missing my leg, missing a part of my humanity, but with a dog. He was always there for me. Of course, they made me see a shrink…” “Seen a few of those too.” “Yeah. There was one good one and one excellent physical therapist, who you know already. They really helped me out.” Dr. P was amazing at her job, it made sense. “The shrink told me I could apply to get approval to bring Brady everywhere if I filled out some forms and he got a psych-eval of his own. I filled out all the paperwork and, the vest. It’s just a lot easier this way. Nobody asks about him, especially if I wear some kind of military t-shirt. Then, they really don’t ask because they think I have PTSD and will go crazy at any moment.” Laughing, “Yes, well that explains all the t-shirts.” Sergio couldn’t believe Havi could tell this story with such ease. He almost died because of a landmine in a place where he was shot at all the time. His leg was gone. But now he has a lovely dog. Like it was no big deal. How? “I’m not really sure what to say now. I am at a loss. Can’t imagine.” “You can’t imagine what it’s like to think you’re going to die? I’m pretty sure you can.” Havi’s hand reached over to Sergio’s knee. “Dr. P is super professional, so didn’t say much about your experiences. But she did imply that your scars are because of something pretty big.” “Well, it wasn’t a war.” “Hey man. Death is death, regardless of where you are at the time.” He looked back out at the dogs, but his hand stayed where it was. “She always says, ‘it’s not a competition’ when I get too comparative.” The hand on Sergio’s knee was distracting, especially since it was still there. “And yet, you

do have a point.” “Do you want to tell me about London?” Turning to look back at Sergio, he was trying to read his expression to see if he’d hear his story now. His hand rubbed Sergio’s knee, just so he knew it was okay. With that, Gracie and Brady came running over to them. She sat down at Sergio’s feet and smiled at him. “Saved by the clinking of tags I guess?” Brady was already kissing Havi, which seemed like a nice idea. Sergio started to consider that maybe he was wrong. Maybe there were gay people in the American military? He had to get that thought out of his mind. They were friends. Friends are good. Putting his hands over Gracie’s ears, Sergio smiled as he whispered, “I don’t want to talk about him in front of her.” Though, maybe it was time he made it clear ‘on what side his bread was buttered’ as they say. “Ah. I get it.” Petting Brady and talking at the same time, Havi continued. “Brady only met my ex a few times. He never really understood why I ed in the first place. With the accident, he couldn’t deal with my career choices.” ‘Did he say ‘he’? It sounded like he’, Sergio thought. The ‘he’ had to be his ex, not Brady. He continued to think about what Havi just said, ‘the accident’. Are IEDs accidents? How was he so calm about all this? “When I got back, I was a mess, like I said. I couldn’t deal with him too. I shut everyone out except Brady. I wasn’t ready to lean on someone with two legs, he didn’t want to deal with this, so we ended it. And it’s been me and Brady ever since.” “Some of this stuff is hard to explain to someone else.” Sergio sat back while petting Gracie’s ears. He looked out at the park, thinking of Akemi. He missed him, but what were they supposed to do?` “It’s all a challenge, that’s for sure.” Brady had jumped up onto Havi’s lap and made a nest even though he was a little too big for the space Havi’s thighs created. They sat in the quiet for a few moments. It was lovely and not uncomfortable in the slightest.

“You hungry? Maybe we should get some food?” Although both dogs were settling down, Sergio wasn’t ready to say good-bye just yet. If there was food, he might even tell his story. “Wanna get take away and come back to mine?” Havi smirked as he did his best with British terminology. “You trying to make me feel at home?” With an inquisitive look, Sergio thought that might have sounded like flirting? “Trying.” Smiling as he put Brady’s vest and leash back on. “Did it work?” “It did. Thank you. There are things about London I miss, but this kind of day makes it okay.” “Cheerio then. Let’s go.” Starting to stand, Havi found his balance slowly. “Nobody really says that where I’m from.” Gracie’s harness was a little more convoluted to buckle up. Sergio considered not making her wear it, but she seemed to want him to put it on her. “Top of the mornin’ to ya.” Havi attempted an Irish accent for that one. “Wrong island.” Laughing, Sergio couldn’t believe this was Havi. What a goof. “Ah, should we queue up for some biscuits and tea?” “Okay. You can stop. I appreciate it. But stop.” They were both laughing at this point, regardless of the conversation about physical and emotional damage. Havi seemed to be so at ease with it all. It was amazing. “Whatever you say guv’nah.” Trying to make Sergio laugh, he was laughing himself. It worked, and Sergio was laughing pretty hard. Standing up, he felt a little dizzy at first, but Gracie stood next to him, to level him out. Good thing she had on the harness. Maybe she knew something he didn’t? Along with Gracie doing her job, Havi moved quickly to hold Sergio’s elbow. “You okay?”

“Yeah, just got up too fast. I’m okay.” Gaining his balance, it was nice to have on both sides. “Thank you, both.” With that, Havi put his elbow out, and said, “You’re welcome. Where to?” “What’s good around here?” Standing so close to Havi, he could look him in the beautiful big brown eyes that had just shared a very personal story. His arm felt strong and secure without feeling stiff or rigid. Sergio laughed inside as he considered other things that might be stiff soon. Proof that he was back to his old self. They strolled around and reviewed the options for food. Havi’s place wasn’t that far from the park, and there were lots of places to eat. Now that Gracie was working, she kept next to Sergio, and seemed to be in a particularly good mood. All four of them were smiling and chatting as they walked around. Finding a deli, it seemed sandwiches were good and easy to carry to Havi’s. The evening progressed with food and good conversation. There was a game on in the background to provide some noise. Havi put a blanket down in front of the couch so they could have a picnic. The dogs curled up together on the couch and fell asleep after they ate some food too. They had played hard at the park. “Is it odd that the dogs are on the couch and we are on the floor?” Sergio laughed as they were deciding what to watch while they finished their sandwiches. “I think it’s fitting since they both saved our lives, it’s the least we can do.” Sharing the chips, Havi shifted to find a comfortable way to sit. “True.” Stretching out some, he felt at home on Havi’s floor. “I do like that you don’t mind the dogs on the couch. Though, getting up might be a challenge for me.” “It’s his house really, I just live here and feed him. We can figure out the other part later.” Stretching out his leg, he rubbed his thigh a little. “You need something else to drink or anything?” “I’m good. Thank you.” “Well, I might take this off if we are settling in for a movie.” Havi moved his

pant leg up to expose his leg. “If you don’t mind.” “Not at all. Please do. If we need anything, I’ll get it for us.” The ‘us’ had a nice ring to it. “Thank you.” Feeling comfortable enough to take his prosthetic leg off, he settled back against the couch. “Well, what should we watch?” “Well, maybe nothing about war or things blowing up.” Sergio scanned the titles on the screen. Turning to look at Sergio, “It doesn’t bother me.” His eyes met Havi’s before Sergio said, “I don’t think I could. Not now.” “Okay.” Smiling Havi didn’t know that many folks that were considerate of things like that. “Maybe nothing too emotional either?” “A comedy?” Romantic also didn’t seem appropriate since it wasn’t clear if it was a date or not. “Sounds good.” Clicking to the comedies, they continued to chat about the options. As the movie progressed, they moved closer and closer together. It wasn’t particularly funny, but they weren’t paying that much attention to it. Both of their minds were considering if this was a date, could be a date, did the other one want it to be a date? The movie started to wrap up, but they didn’t notice. They were wrapped up in each other instead. About halfway through the movie, Havi figured he’d reach out and see what happened. Now it was clear everyone was gay, and everyone was single. They had built up trust as friends and knew they had a lot in common. It was worth a try. Luckily, Sergio was thinking the same thing. The dogs were snoring behind them, it seemed they wouldn’t wake them if they kept it down. At about the same moment, they both reached over towards each other’s hands. Their fingers intertwined as Sergio moved a closer. Havi grabbed another blanket from the couch and threw it over both their legs. Then he moved his legs to touch Sergio’s, his arm moved around his shoulders and pulled Sergio closer to him. There was an emotional closeness between them now, even if Havi didn’t know the story of Sergio’s scars.

Leaning up against Havi’s chest felt more comfortable than he had felt in a long time. He felt safe, protected and relaxed. He held the arm that wrapped around his shoulder tightly to his chest, snuggling into the crux of Havi’s neck. Even in the comfort of Havi’s arms, Sergio was focused on what to tell him about his scars and when. Maybe not tonight? A few times he could feel himself drift off to sleep. Once the movie ended, Havi whispered into Sergio’s ear, “I think the kids are asleep.” They both looked at the sleeping dogs all curled up together. When they turned back to each other, their eyes said more than they could say in words. Reaching over, Sergio held Havi‘s bearded cheek in his hand and pulled him in to kiss. Their lips holding each other close, as they could feel each other breathe. Parting for a moment, they reed more intensely. Shifting his body so their eyes could meet, Havi looked at Sergio in a way he hadn’t been looked at in a while. “I’d hate for you to have to wake her up. Would you like to stay here tonight?” It was forward, but, again, why not? It seemed like Sergio appreciated honesty. “I would love to.” Sergio turned and looked Havi in the eyes as he said it, just to be sure the meaning was clear. “If you don’t mind two houseguests.” The sparkle was there, his intriguing green eyes pulling Havi closer to him. “I would be happy to have you. Stay the night that is.” Havi’s lips caressed Sergio’s lips, slowly, softly. As their lips touched, Havi could feel the energy between them. “Do you want to move this to the other room? I wouldn’t want to disturb them.” Leaning down to kiss Sergio’s neck, his hands moved to his waist and pulled him in closer. “That’s a good plan. They are cute asleep.” As he thought about moving into the other room, he ed that Havi had removed his prosthetic leg. “Do you need help?” “That is very sweet of you, but I can manage.” He continued to kiss Sergio’s neck as his hands moved toward Sergio’s back. He wasn’t sure if it would be okay to touch his scars, so he was careful where he put his hands. “I’m sure you can.” He leaned over to kiss Havi. “I’m offering, to help you. Will

you let me?” With a deep breath, Havi wasn’t sure. He didn’t like taking help from anyone. “I know it’s hard to accept, but I would like to help you to the bedroom.” Kissing him again, he moved his legs making it easier to sit up. He was going to help someone up off the ground. Sergio was going to help someone else off the ground, and he was determined to do it too. “Okay.” His hands stayed on Sergio’s waist with another kiss. Leaning over, he shifted his hips to press against Sergio’s. With Sergio’s shifting, he moved his good leg over and helped pull Havi up. After some maneuvering and some laughing, Havi made it up and leaned on the arm of the couch. “Now, you need a hand?” “Yeah, I think so. I didn’t really think this through.” With his hand out, Havi pulled Sergio up into his arms and kissed him, softly. “We’re quite a pair I guess.” “I guess we are.” Together, they slowly moved into the bedroom, Sergio holding Havi up so he could move on one foot. Carefully, they made it to the bed. Sergio pulled off his shirt, exposing the scars on his left side, lying back on to the pillows. Unsure of Sergio’s opinion, Havi left the lights off. There were lights outside coming in through blinds that helped illuminate the path to the bed. The candles by the bed helped set the mood. Steve Ray Vaughan’s Lenny filled the air. As Havi sat down, Sergio reached over, putting his hand on Havi’s thigh. Slowly, his fingertips caressed Havi’s skin, getting close to the scars, but being respectful of his privacy. Taking Sergio’s hand into his, Havi kissed each scar of his wrist, keeping an eye on Sergio to be sure it was okay. Slowly, his lips grazed Sergio’s skin, his tongue following the lines. His warm breath stimulating the nerve endings. Sergio’s eyes rolled as his head relaxed back against the headboard. Those scars. They were always there and now they were being kissed by a strong man who had the some of the same scars inside and out. Making his way up Sergio’s forearm, an inch at a time, Havi kept his eyes locked on Sergio. Needing to feel his lips, Sergio reached his hand up to Havi’s cheek. As slowly as they had walked into the room, he pulled Havi close. With care and caution,

their lips brushed up against each other. Lightly caressing the soft skin between them. One, two, three, soft kisses, then Sergio’s tongue followed the edge of Havi’s mouth. His hand massaging Havi’s neck, just behind his ear. Feeling Sergio’s fingers pull him down to kiss, Havi pulled off his shirt and shifted closer to Sergio on the bed. Twisting more onto the bed, Havi pulled his pants off and they fell on the floor. The look of longing in Sergio’s eyes made him smile. Moving his hands to the button of Sergio’s jeans, he slid his fingers under the metal to pop open the buttons. With each button, he leaned over to kiss his stomach, kissing the scars that became more visible with each button undone. One slow, hot kiss at a time, he opened the last button and pulled Sergio’s pants down. Running his hands through Havi’s hair, Sergio closed his eyes and he sank into the pillows. With each kiss on his skin, he took a deep breath. As the kisses moved farther down, he arched his back a little, then lifted his hips so his jeans could come off. His hands moved to Havi’s back, he noticed something he hadn’t seen in the locker room. In between tattoos, there were small scars up the side of his torso. Those scars led to a round scar on his shoulder. They were fading, but they were there. He leaned over and kissed Havi’s shoulder. Havi looked up after he felt Sergio kiss one of the bullet wounds on his shoulder. After their eyes met, he watched as Sergio leaned over to kiss the scars down his side. There were more scars, he knew Sergio would find them all eventually and eventually he would tell him all the stories about each one. Sitting up, he felt Sergio’s fingers and tongue trace the scars on his hip. As Sergio leaned over, he could see the scars up Sergio’s back. There were many of different sizes and one big one over his kidney. His fingertips reached out to caress Sergio’s back, still being cautious of what was okay. Lifting his head back up, Sergio could see Havi looking at his scars. He might not be ready to tell him how he got them, but he wasn’t going to hide them. He turned his back to Havi with a deep breath. Taking Havi’s hand in his, he placed Havi’s hand on the scar on his kidney and moved their hands across his back. Havi leaned over to kiss them. The warmth of his breath sending shivers up Sergio’s spine. Once they were all kissed, Havi put his hand on Sergio’s stomach to turn him back around. His fingertips slowly moving up Sergio’s chest until they reached his chin. Fingers slid over to Sergio’s lips, until one was caught with Sergio’s tongue. He held Havi’s hand in his and traced those fingers with

his tongue before taking one into his mouth. He slowly sucked in Havi’s fingers, his tongue between the two, wrapping around them. As he moved those fingers out of his mouth, their eyes met which increased the intensity between them. They had started the night slowly, but now could both feel their heart rates jump up. They grabbed for each other and kissed in a way that neither of them had kissed anyone in a while. Sergio could feel Havi’s wet fingers slide down his back, retracing the scars as he pulled him in closer. Feeling teeth against his lips, Havi kissed Sergio with more strength than before. He could feel Sergio’s back arch pushing his hips closer to his own. Pulling him up so they were both on their knees, He held Sergio close to him as they kissed again and again. He slid his hands under Sergio’s boxer briefs, feeling the scars on his hip as he pushed them down. Laying him back down on the bed, Havi leaned over to kiss those scars too. Moving down the bed, he slid his hips between Sergio’s thighs as his tongue glided over the scars to his hip bone. Naked, lying against the pillows, Sergio grabbed for the top of the headboard as Havi continued to kiss his left hip and thigh. A hand moved up his chest to his neck. Strong fingers dug into Sergio’s neck and massaged his skin. As the lips that were caressing his hips moved back up the middle of Sergio’s chest, he could feel Havi’s hips against his. That wonderful mouth came back up to meet his. Those lips that said things he didn’t think anyone else thought about touched his skin again. Holding Havi’s bearded cheeks in his hands to kiss him, Sergio was more than willing to share himself now. He reached down between them, his fingers wrapping and rolling themselves around Havi’s cock. Their eyes met again as Sergio guided Havi closer. Tearing open a condom with his teeth, Havi slid his hand down and found Sergio’s fingers. Tilting his hips up, Sergio didn’t lose connection with Havi’s eyes. Kissing Havi again before he laid back a little further, he anxiously awaited the next step. Their eyes kept locked as Havi moved closer to Sergio. Reaching out, Sergio pulled Havi’s hips in closer and closer. Feeling more scars, Sergio’s fingers moved around Havi’s skin, their connection was stronger than even he thought it would be. He lost his grip once or twice, so he moved a hand to the headboard again for . A long sigh with some swear words slipped out as the physical connection between them deepened. Sergio’s eyes had to close for a moment as he felt a wave of emotion come over him. His breath was speeding up, his heart rate, the same. Although the headboard was better stability, he had to touch Havi’s skin.

These scars that he used to hide were strength and endurance to Havi. Sergio had never considered that for himself. They were symbols of a life that he survived. He could feel Havi’s lips on his shoulders with each pulse, those lips would move across his chest, up his neck. As his eyes slowly opened, he could see sympathetic, loving eyes looking into his soul. He leaned up to kiss Havi, his hands pulling him down to hold him closer. Digging his fingertips in to hold on tighter, Sergio pulled Havi as close as he could possibly get, their tongues intertwining. With each motion, Havi could feel Sergio relax and let go of the fear and pain. The heat between them was enough to light more candles and the draw to be together was stronger than he expected. The hands pulling him in felt like they were a part of him, that they were supposed to be there, holding his hips against Sergio’s. It was incredible to feel this connected to someone so special to him. To watch Sergio be overcome with pleasure, to bring him joy, increased his enjoyment. He would hear the story of his scars eventually, now he could see how intense that story must be. As he increased the speed of his hips, he could hear Sergio’s breath speed up too. Their eyes would lock for a while until one of them would lean to kiss the other. They were trying to keep it down since the two dogs in the other room might not know that they were sounds of pleasure. Biting his lip, Sergio couldn’t keep it in any longer. “Oh. Fuck. You feel incredible.” Laughing a little, Havi smiled as leaned down to kiss Sergio. The accent was so cute, even swearing. Finally, Sergio’s hands reached up and held Havi’s neck as he looked him in the eye. Just the look of ion they had for each other melted them both. As Havi climaxed, Sergio pulled him closer, their lips could touch again. Trying to breathe through the kiss, their warm breath filled the space between them. Exhausted, Havi fell onto Sergio’s chest, moving his hands under Sergio to hold him. Arms wrapped around him to pull him closer in return. Lips touched his shoulder again. That cute accent said, “Thank you.” Unsure of how to respond, he picked up his head and looked Sergio in the eye. “My pleasure, literally.” He smiled as he leaned down and kissed him softly and slowly. They held their lips together for a long time before pulling apart.

Still laying between Sergio’s hips, Sergio’s legs wrapped around Havi’s, holding all of him close. He wanted him to know that he was not afraid of any missing physicality. The leg that held Havi’s injured thigh slowly slid up and down. Whispering, Sergio wanted to check, “Is this okay?” “Yeah. It’s okay.” It felt good to have someone acknowledge his wounds and not be afraid of them. “You’d tell me if it wasn’t, yeah?” “I would. It’s okay.” Unsure if that meant he could ask about Sergio’s, it still seemed best to wait. Lying together felt like home. Sergio wasn’t ashamed of his scars in this bed. He wasn’t worried about what anybody thought of them, even if he didn’t want to talk about them. In fact, he knew that Havi wanted to hear about how he got all these scars. His eyes closed as he thought about what to say. There was a peace in the room and filled the air, the quiet was not uncomfortable, but welcome. Slow fingertips still caressing each other’s skin as they lie together in this peace. As time ed, the sweat on his skin was starting to get cold. Sergio moved the sheet enough he could pull it over them, still together. He kissed the scar on Havi’s shoulder again. “Is this what I think it is?” Pressed against Sergio’s chest, Havi didn’t really move much to answer. “If you think it’s from a bullet, then, yes. It is.” “And this one?” It was a slightly different shape and seemed longer. Sergio’s fingers slowly followed the length of the scar. “A khukuri.” Still not moving, he didn’t mind explaining. He’d tell him about all the scars inside and out. “Sorry. Which is a type of knife.” Considering he said knife and not scalpel, that likely meant hand to hand combat. Sergio thought more about Havi’s life so far. What trauma that must be. A different story all together. Tightening his hold, he kissed Havi’s neck and shoulders some more. He wasn’t as tired as he thought. Maybe Havi was, maybe not. His hands moved across Havi’s back, moving around so that he was lying on top. His lips moved slowly to see what the opinion might be. The night was amazing so far, why stop now?

With his eyes closed, Havi was enjoying the lips that were investigating his body. A smile could be heard in his voice as he said, “Not that tired?” “Not really.” Sergio’s legs shifted a little more, continuing kissing every inch of what was in front of him. “I think there is more skin to kiss over here (kiss) and here (kiss).” Shifting a little, giving Sergio more landscape. “Are you looking for more scars?” “Is there one here?” He slid down under the sheet and kissed Havi’s lower abdomen. His lips moved down until he found a small scar between the talons of an eagle. “Here?” “That is from when I had my appendix removed. Nothing dangerous there.” Picking his head up from under the sheets, “As a doctor, that would depend on why. And, where you had the surgery as well as who did it.” Smiling, he knew he could find a non-war related scar. “I guess that’s true.” As Sergio came back up, their lips came together. Pushing Havi’s thighs open a little farther. He pressed himself closer as he kissed him again. Havi’s hands moved up Sergio’s back with each kiss. “Any others you have questions about?” It was a welcome question. He was willing to share since he knew Sergio was aware of how hard it was to talk about them. “I have to find them first.” Sergio appreciated that this game wasn’t two-sided. Havi was so comfortable talking about his scars. He’d share about his own, but not yet. “I’m enjoying you being right here at the moment.” Holding Sergio close to him, those lips were so soft and strong and enticing. “Though, there is one on my back that might intrigue you.” “Oh. Really?” Kissing Havi’s neck, Sergio searched. “Yeah, but I’m going to have to flip over so you can find it.”

“Oh.” He pushed himself up enough for Havi to twist underneath him. The broadness of his back, the movement of his muscles as he settled back down on the bed was enough for Sergio to get going trying to find this scar with his tongue. “Is it over here?” “Nope.” “Here?” Best game ever. “Nope.” Then his tongue slid down atop Havi’s vertebrae. Just to the right, about halfway down, a medium sized scar, by one of his kidneys. Sergio’s lips softly touched his skin. He didn’t have to say anything. It was familiar. There must have been kidney damage in the explosion or something. His lips moved across his back and up to his neck as his leg moved in between Havi’s. Looking back a little, Havi knew Sergio found another scar they had in common. “Found it?” “Yeah. I have.” He found more than scars, he found someone he could talk to. Someone who understood. As Havi moved his arms under the pillows, the definition in those muscles became more obvious. “You are so incredibly beautiful.” Coming to with a guy being attractive with scars made Sergio reconsider his own situation. They were badges of honor, not something to be ashamed of. “That’s all I am, huh? A hot piece of ass?” “Oh, yeah.” Biting his butt, Sergio laughed. “Because it is such a great ass.” There was a playfulness at this late hour that they both enjoyed. Regardless of the seriousness of the scars, there was room to play. Kissing where his teeth had just been, he moved his hands around Havi’s lower back. His lips found more area to kiss and lick as he separated Havi’s butt cheeks. His tongue made small circles around the opening before it slipped its way in a little. Hearing a sigh from the pillows, Sergio continued to move his tongue around the edges, then in, then out again. “Oh. That feels good.”

The long sigh from above was combined with short breaths, he could feel Havi relax a little more. Sucking down on his skin, his tongue moved a little farther, still slow and strong. “Ah, Sergio.” He didn’t think this night was going to go this far, but he was glad it was. It was a fairly personal thing to embark on their first night together. His breath sped up with Sergio’s mouth. Then those lips moved a little further down his skin to his balls, sucking them in. Fingers spread out under hips, pulling them up. Still on his stomach, Havi’s cock was now in Sergio’s mouth from behind. Although he had slid almost halfway down the bed, Sergio still kept his hands on Havi’s ass. He took more and more of him into his mouth. This position felt good, but Sergio wasn’t able to see his face, so one hand moved, pushing Havi onto his side, moving underneath his leg. This way, Sergio could see Havi’s eyes close tighter with each action. He watched his hands reach to the edge of the mattress and squeeze. This man who had seen so much violence, sorrow & pain. If he could bring him some peace, some calm, it would be the proper thank you for all that Havi had shown Sergio about himself. There wasn’t a lack of mobility in Sergio’s left hand at all. The dexterity needed to manipulate inches of skin was there without issue. In fact, those fingers spread out and one found its way to where his tongue had been a few moments before. It was as if there had never been a problem. Maybe it was warmth. Maybe it was the candles. Maybe it was the company. There was no cramping, no pain, no struggle to move his fingers. The muscles in his cheeks working to bring Havi to his point of edge, Sergio could hear his breath speed up. Having two working hands increased his ability to stimulate every inch of flesh beneath him. Slowing down, then speeding back up, he could hear the sounds of ecstasy above him. Fingers brushed through Sergio’s straight, floppy black hair, finding the scars hidden underneath. As Havi’s fingers tightened around Sergio’s hair, he pulled a little tighter matching the suction created by Sergio’s mouth. There was so much attraction in their movements with each other. Mutual respect and iration for their struggles. As Sergio brought Havi to climax, he let out a sound that might have woke up the dogs if he hadn’t yelled into the pillow he had grabbed instead. Once they were both spent, Havi flattened out on the bed, prone, unable to move. Climbing up so he could lie his head on the pillows, Sergio was also feeling pretty tired, pretty relaxed and pretty damn happy. He closed his eyes a little, just taking it all in. ‘Taking it all in, again’, he

laughed inside at his own dirty joke. Hours ed since they moved to the bedroom, though neither of them were sleepy. Each time they would start to slow down, their attraction would pick things back up again. Strong, powerful, caring and considerate all at once. The candles were getting low and fading. The lights from the street were shining into the bedroom creating lines around the room. Staring at the shadows on the ceiling, Sergio was lost in thought until a hand hit him in the chest. “Hey. You listening?” Looking over to Havi, “Apologies. What were you saying?” There were great waves of ecstasy that had rolled over him a few times and now his mind was wandering. “I asked if you’d mind?” Havi was lying on his belly, sitting up on his forearms, holding a hand rolled cigarette. “It’s a bad habit, I know. But it seems appropriate.” “Oh. No. I don’t mind. Go ahead. I lived in London, ? Everyone stills smokes there.” Looking back up at the ceiling. He hadn’t noticed Havi shift in bed, take out the paper, the tobacco or roll his own cigarette. He was too distracted thinking about how he ended up here. In this bed. With this guy. This guy who had seen his scars. Felt his scars. Kissed his scars. Could relate to his scars and he wasn’t afraid of them. Then, he heard Havi light the cigarette, take a drag and exhale slowly. Turning over so he could lean his head against the headboard, Havi sat back, sinking a little into the pillows. His gaze moved toward Sergio before saying, “I’m still not sleepy, but I don’t think I can do that again. Wanna see what’s on TV or something?” Slowly looking over, Sergio had a look Havi couldn’t pinpoint, so he wasn’t sure what was going on his head. He was pretty good at reading people, but this, he couldn’t figure out. The mystery that was Sergio del Mundo. “Not at the moment.” Then he looked at the cigarette with desire. “Plus, I don’t feel like moving at all.” Watching Sergio’s eyes move from him to the cigarette he said, “Want your own?” He started to move over to the nightstand. “I can roll you one.”

“No, I’ll just take one drag.” Reaching over to take Havi’s cigarette with a smile, he took a slow inhale. “Aaah. Yeah.” Focusing on the light of the cigarette he said, “I miss these sometimes.” Laughing, Havi agreed. “Just one every now and again. I figure, with the amount of chemicals I’ve inhaled in my career, this really can’t be the thing that kills me.” Handing back the cigarette, Sergio rolled over to his side to face him. “What do you mean?” “Well, there were a few times that we walked into situations where there was a lot of smoke, dust and potentially other things in the air that people shouldn’t breath. We had gas masks, but they are hot and uncomfortable, and sometimes you couldn’t see with ‘em. So, we’d ditch ‘em and go in anyway.” The more open Havi was, the more Sergio might talk. He’d share it all if it helped. “Huh. Seems both dangerous and irable. And a little crazy.” Rolling back to look up at the ceiling again. What a life Havi had. How had he survived all of that and stayed a seemingly normal guy, Sergio didn’t know. “How much time ed before you could talk this casually?” Taking a long pull off the cigarette, Havi had to think about how to answer this one. “There are some things I still can’t. Some things are easier to talk about with people that aren’t military. It took quite a while for me to talk about how I lost my leg and I’d be lying if I said it gets easier. It depends on the day.” Havi looked at the ceiling too. “I have mapped out all the cracks and bumps in this ceiling, just staring at it thinking. Or trying not to think. I know it’s an intriguing ceiling.” Laughing, Sergio replied, “It sure is.” He held his hand out with two fingers open for the cigarette to come back to him. “I can roll you one, you know?” Placing the cigarette in-between Sergio’s fingers. “I’m sure you would, but I like sucking on yours. In general.” He was still staring at the ceiling, but now he had a big smile. “Just one more.” “That’s what they all say.” Havi was happy to share. Happy to share his

cigarette, his story, his scars and his bed. That accent, those eyes, that heart. He’d give Sergio whatever he wanted. “So.” One more drag and a slow exhale. Now was as good a time as any. Staring at the ceiling, he began the story. “I’ll start with this: I have always hated cars. All my life. Didn’t like being in them. Didn’t like walking by them. As a kid, there weren’t a lot of cars where we lived in the Philippines. A few, but mainly scooters, motorcycles. Maybe that’s why, but I didn’t like cars. In my late twenties, I decided I should learn to drive. So, I took lessons, got my license.” Havi slid down a little so his head was closer to Sergio’s. He looked up at the ceiling too and just listened. This was going to be the story of the scars. “Actually, rewind. To start, my best friends are also doctors. We went to university together. One ran the emergency at the hospital I worked at as a cardiologist. The other is a neurosurgeon and was my boss, kind of. My boyfriend at the time, Akemi, also a doctor, had to go to Paris for work. We had some friends coming into town before we all met him there for a conference. Instead of taking the train, he and I were going to drive to the airport. Then, I was picking up the friends coming into town and was going to drive us back into The City. Three years ago, today.” Today? This was the anniversary of the scars. Okay, be ive. Just listen. Havi didn’t take his cigarette back. Sergio was using it as a way to get him through the story. His hand reached under the cover to hold Sergio’s other hand. Their fingers wrapped around each other for . “’kem was driving. He was a little late, but not driving too quickly. A drunk driver ran the light and hit the enger side, crushing the car around me and knocking us both out. When ‘kem came too, I wasn’t breathing. I was covered in blood with metal was across my body, so he couldn’t pull me out. He did everything he could to try to keep me alive while being worried that the car would blow up because he could smell the petrol. Finally, paramedics showed up and they cut me out of the car. Paola was on duty when they rolled me in. ‘kem was doing R until Paola got him down and she took over. They saved my life, both of them. I don’t a thing, but she does. He does. They that night. They have nightmares and trauma and I don’t a thing.” Taking another inhale, the smoke helped. “Mitchell was called at home. His husband at the time, Marc, drove him in because he couldn’t breathe, much less

drive. He told me later, he was so afraid I was going to die that he could hardly think. Luckily, his ex-boyfriend, Nate, who is also a neurosurgeon and his husband now….” Turning to Havi, handing back his cigarette, “It’s a long story, I’ll tell you someday.” “Can’t wait.” Havi was trying to keep track of everyone and what field of medicine they were in. He guessed it would make sense if they knew each other from school, but it was a lot of doctors. “It gets weirder. Nate and his boyfriend at the time, Ryan, had flown in for the trip. They met because Nate re-attached Ryan’s now ex-boyfriend’s spine. That’s who I was supposed to pick up at the airport, Nate and Ryan. They were coming to visit and to tell us they were going to get married. But I couldn’t pick them up because I was dying on the table of my best friend’s ER.” Havi took a drag, and then rolled over onto his side to look at Sergio tell his story. It seemed like he might not have told anyone this story before. Not this way at least. There was also a lot of ‘at the time’ in this story. Had all his friends split up now? Did this all happen with the accident? Did Sergio think it was his fault? “Nate and Ryan showed up at the hospital after they called Marc to find out why I wasn’t at the airport. Or, so I’m told, since I wasn’t aware of any of it. They had to get my heart going, more than once, and re-attach things that had come apart. They shaved off all my hair to try to stop the bleeding.” He turned to Havi again with a smile. “It was long and silky. Just lovely, I loved it. All gone. It didn’t grow back the same. Anyway, normally Mitchell would have done the reattaching, but he was too upset by it all. Nate did the surgery because Mitchell’s hands were too shaky. Nate saved my life too. Mitchell was there with him in the theater for some of them, but Nate was the one doing the cutting and sewing together. I was in a coma for days when I woke up on my own, which isn’t supposed to happen. That was my first memory for a while. The lights, a loud noise of metal collapsing, the feeling of warm blood running down my face, then waking up. I didn’t know who anyone was, including myself. Much less why I couldn’t feel anything from my stomach down or anything on the left side of my body really. Nothing. I started to panic. Nate’s voice calmed me down enough to let him pull the tube out of my throat.” A tear started down Sergio’s cheek. He hadn’t really talked to anyone about the story from his perspective. “I didn’t know where I was. Who I was. Who they were? It was so frightening….”

Another tear made its way down. He wasn’t sure he could talk any more. Reaching over, Havi wiped the tear from Sergio’s cheek with a sympathetic smile. His eyes met Havi’s with sincerity. “Everyone was so happy I was alive, but I was still dealing with not being dead. With almost being dead and waking up.” He wanted to tell him everything, but it couldn’t seem to come out. “They didn’t understand. They had days to come to with this before I even knew what happened.” He stopped, unsure of what to say next. Unsure of what would come out. What to include? What to leave out? What could he say aloud? Sergio quiet led to Havi calmly saying, “You don’t have to tell me the rest right now if you don’t feel up to it.” With a long sigh, Sergio tried to keep going. “I can’t seem to get it to come out. How long until you could talk about it?” “The waking up part, the fear of dying part or the impact it had on everyone else?” He put the cigarette out and rolled against Sergio’s chest. Slowly, his fingers moved Sergio’s hair. “There are things I haven’t talked about outside of therapy to this day, and it was five years ago.” “I wish I could have talked about it with them. But they were all so nervous and scared for me. I thought I had to be strong so they wouldn’t worry. Even when they’d say I should lean on them, the look in their eyes. I couldn’t.” “This is what I : I Brady barking, then the guys running toward me. I barely them carrying me to the jeep, then I ed out. When I woke up, I was in a field hospital, with no feeling anywhere at first. Then this overwhelming pain. Brady was on the bed next to me, licking my cheek when the doctors came in and took him away. They rolled me into the surgery. When I woke up, they told me I’d lost my leg, but I was otherwise fine.” “Yeah. You’ll be fine. That was my favorite. How could I possibly be fine?” “I know. They’d told me my leg was gone, but I could still feel it. I would dream that I had two legs. It would itch and I reach down to nothing.” He didn’t tell very many people this much detail, but it seemed like if he told Sergio, Sergio might tell him the rest. “After a day or so, they flew me to Berlin where my

parents came to see me. That is a whole other story.” “You too?” The thoughts of the arguing with his dad in the hospital crashed over him like waves. The pain in his mother’s eyes as she tried to smile and comfort him. His brother trying to cheer him up when all he wanted to do was hug him. How to face his family when he was the strong, athletic, charismatic, confident one? Even if it was all for show, how can you it that you were never really that guy? “Yeah. As if this wasn’t enough, this is when everyone tells you everything they’ve wanted to say.” “I just need to tell you… That’s what they’d all say. Or, I can’t imagine if I lost you and you didn’t know whatever they felt they needed to say. What about me, not needing to hear it all at once? That wasn’t important?” The tears kept coming and weren’t going to stop. He’d pushed them down for so long along with the internal pain because he knew it was hard from Akemi. Now it was coming out and it was okay. He could feel whatever he needed to feel here. “I was meant to deal with almost dying when everyone was sharing their feelings with me?” Havi moved his arm under Sergio’s neck and pulled him in. “Yeah, people respond funny to trauma like this. They can’t know what it was like and hopefully, they never do.” “Sometimes, I just can’t look at them because of the way they look at me. I can’t see the pain in their eyes and be okay with it.” He rubbed his eyes a little. “Up in Boston, it brought a lot back. But it also made me realize how much I don’t , but they do. I could see it in them. When we got back here, some of my physical limitations returned. I was having a hard time with my balance again. I couldn’t sleep, kept waking up. I also didn’t feel like I could talk to them even if they said it was okay.” Sergio hadn’t really said much after coming back from Boston. Havi only knew he was in Boston because a friend was running the Marathon. What he saw in of trauma and the bombing wasn’t shared. He could imagine what that must have been like. “A lot of the guys on my team have survivor’s guilt. They told me they should have gone with me. That I shouldn’t have gone alone. They had all these alternatives to what happened if only they’d been there. They blamed themselves for things that weren’t under their control. But it didn’t

matter, this is what happened. And we’re all alive.” “My friends saw me die. They had to bring me back, more than once, and yet, they don’t really understand. They’d say, ‘we’re so happy you are alive’, but I couldn’t handle it all.” “Being alive is different from living. That’s the part that was hardest to do. Live.” Nobody else had seemed to understand Sergio’s struggles, but Havi did. That was it. He was alive, but not living. He had to figure out how to live again. Moving to the States had led to setbacks because he was having to start over, alone. Breaking up was hard enough, knowing it was because of their accident made him feel like he was supposed to just get over it all, and he couldn’t. There were days he felt like he could live again, but something always stopped him from living life to its fullest. It was guilt, or pain, or something. Maybe this was the beginning of the breakthrough he needed. “I live here now because of them.” “What do you mean?” “Nate works at the NIH. Nate. Blake. Neurosurgeon. Reattaches spines and stuff. He’s the one that ran the marathon.” “Oh. I’ve heard of him. He’s done surgery on some of the guys at Reed.” “That’s him. He really is the best. I wouldn’t be walking at all if it wasn’t for him. I wouldn’t be alive if it wasn’t for him. He never looks at me with pity or anything. I moved here partially because of him. And, because Mitchell lives here now too since they got back together. They ‘re-connected’, let’s say, while reconnecting my spine.” He laughed a little at the ridiculousness of that. “Lots of long nights at the hospital and all.” “I guess that’s a thing. People end up together in difficult times. But that had to be hard for you.” “Eventually, everyone split up and now we live here. I don’t know how much it all had to do with me, but I find it difficult not to take some of the responsibility. Maybe it all would have happened anyway. Either way, Mitchell and Paola run a

clinic in DC. I work there sometimes with them. That’s a story and a half for another night.” Havi could tell Sergio had some guilt about his friend’s personal lives, but it wasn’t his fault. “And Akemi is the guy you left in London?” “Yeah. We just couldn’t get it together after the accident. We tried and tried. There were good times when I thought it might work out after all. But there was too much guilt and fear. It was too much.” “I’m sorry Sergio.” Kissing the top of his head, Havi wrapped his arms around him more tightly than before. He knew there was a need for security now. He could do that. “Earlier, you said you couldn’t imagine what I went through. I think you can, and for that I am sorry.” Crying, Sergio rolled over into Havi’s arms. He hadn’t cried about it in months. It was so hard to open up and talk honestly about what happened. “I’m glad my friends don’t have to think about it every day anymore. But, rarely does an hour go by when I don’t. I can’t escape it. I have these scars that remind me. Or I have pain, or I lose my balance. I can’t get away from it.” “I know. I’m here with you.” They both knew that meant more than just physically. He meant emotionally as well. They were there together because they could relate to each other’s struggles. “I want to tell you the rest, but I can’t seem to. Not right now.” Sergio felt a release of emotion like a flood gate had opened and the water overwhelmed him. “You don’t have to. There’s time.” As they laid together, they could hear some clicks in the hallway. Then a nose pushed the bedroom door open a little more. Then two noses and some big brown eyes peeked into the room. Havi looked down the bed to see Brady and Gracie at the foot. “Come on up you two.” They both jumped onto the bed. Gracie walked up to Sergio and licked the tears from his cheeks. “Oh. Thank you, sweetie. I’m okay. It’s okay. Thank you. If it wasn’t for her, there were days I couldn’t get out of bed.” She took her spot next to him and put her head on his chest.

“That I understand too.” Brady had climbed up to lie down next to Havi’s legs, putting his head down on his thigh. Then, he blinked his eyes at them before closing them, with a sigh and falling asleep. For a few moments, the room was quiet. The dogs were sleeping, but they were both awake, looking at the shadows on the ceiling. “Thank you, Havi. I didn’t think I could tell anyone what happened the way I just did. I don’t know if now was the best time….” “Now was the perfect time. Now was when you needed to tell it. Anniversaries are hard all around. I’m glad you trusted me enough to tell me and I’m glad I could be here to hear it.” Sergio leaned over and kissed him again. “I didn’t think anyone would ever understand. I’ll tell you the rest someday soon.” Eventually he’d tell him about the seizure, the near death again, the other surgeries. His parents, the story of Julio and his father’s anger. He would tell him about the wedding, moving to a new flat, trying to work things out. He’d tell him about them helping at the Boston Marathon bombing, being in the ER, helping people with injuries. Just not tonight. “You’re welcome. Tomorrow, we’ll get up, make breakfast, take the dogs out, look at the sun and live.” Settling back into Havi’s arms. “That’s sounds lovely.” “Splendid.” Havi brought that British accent back. “Brilliant.” “Okay, now stop that.” “What a glorious evening, sir.” “You are crazy.” “Lunacy is the word for which you are looking, in my opinion.” “If I kiss you, will you stop?” Back to his American accent, “Yeah, that will work.”

They kissed again. A long, loving, comionate kiss. Snuggling up, there wasn’t a lot of room on the bed, but they would all fit. As Sergio started to fall asleep, he thought back to the word. Live. He needed to live his life, and this was the start. It was the best sleep Sergio had in years.

19

Bethesda Maryland July 2013

Waking up the next morning, the bed was empty. The smell of coffee and something cooking permeated the room. Stretching out, Sergio’s left side felt fine. His left hand felt like a normal hand. No cramping or numbness. Nothing. A little tired maybe, but nothing bad. Looking up at the ceiling, he closed his eyes again. What an incredible night. And now, there was another day. Three years later and maybe things were really healing? Hearing clicking, he saw Gracie in the doorway. “Hey lady. Is it time to get up?” She walked in and licked his nose as he leaned over the edge of the bed. Her tail wagging, she motioned for him to follow her. “I’m coming. Give me a second.” Finding his underwear and a pair of warm up pants at the edge of the bed, he pulled on some clothes and walked toward the door. No need to pull on a shirt, the scars were already out there. As he walked into the kitchen, Sergio smiled as he saw Havi making breakfast. Standing at the stove, there were vegetables on a pan that smelled delicious. Havi smiled back as their eyes met. “Morning. I see you found the pants.” “Yes, thank you.” Walking over, his hands came to Havi’s hips. “These are quite comfortable.” A long kiss, and then he walked to the coffee to pour himself a cup. “The pants?” Havi was moving the vegetables around as they cooked so he couldn’t really follow Sergio to the coffee pot. Turning with that mischievous sparkle in his green eyes, “Those hips.” Smiling as he took a sip of coffee, it was a wonderful morning. “Oh. I see.” Unsure of exactly how this morning would go, Havi was happy to

see Sergio happy. “Have a seat and I’ll make you a plate.” It was impressive to watch Havi get around his house without his prosthetic leg. He seemed to have incredible balance. He had a sense of balance in general that Sergio ired. “Thank you. It smells delicious. Did you already get Gracie some breakfast?” “Yep. They both ate and were sitting outside this morning with me. I tend to get up early.” He handed Sergio a plate of what smelled wonderful. “I used to get up before dawn and meditate. But I haven’t been able to since I moved to the States. I would have gotten up with you.” It tasted delicious too. He took another bite. “Maybe next time.” Assuming there would be a next time. What if this was just an accident anniversary event? Sitting down at the table, Havi also started to eat. “You looked really comfortable sleeping this morning. I didn’t want to wake you.” “I slept better than I have in months. Years maybe. Thank you.” Eating this wonderful meal, Sergio was lost in how amazing Havi had turned out to be. “My pleasure, really. I’m glad you spent the night.” Reaching over to take Sergio’s hand, “Thank you for sharing your story, especially on the anniversary of the whole thing. I know that is not easy.” “It felt good to get it out there. I felt like you would understand, yeah?” “Yeah.” Theirs was a strange bond to have, but a good one. “Your phone beeped a few times a little while ago. If it had kept beeping, I would have woken you up.” “It might be Paola or Mitchell checking on me.” “Do you want to check now?” Havi was familiar with friends being worried about his mental health surrounding his injury. Sergio sat and thought about it for a minute. Enjoying the morning, he knew he should check in. “Yeah, I probably should.” Standing and walking over to his

bag, he realized he wasn’t unbalanced, nothing hurt or was difficult to move. His left hand just reached in and took the phone, seeming to work fine. As he looked, he saw the text from Mitchell: “I didn’t see lights on across the yard last night. Are you okay? Trying to not worry.” “It was Mitchell. Do you mind if I text him back?” “Not at all.” Havi ate his breakfast as his gazed stayed on Sergio. Sergio’s hair had fallen into his face as he looked down at the phone screen. Something about the way he tossed his hair back to see the screen was the sexiest thing Havi had seen in a long time. A little worried about where they stood in of a relationship, he just watched. It was a surreal. Sergio seemed like a different person this morning. A much more relaxed, happy, confident version of the Sergio he was getting to know. A quick text saying he was fine, he’d fill him in later and to let Paola know too was all that was needed. He said he’d check in a few hours with a smiley face with hearts for eyes. That should work. Then he turned to look back into the kitchen with a smile. “To add to the story…” Taking his seat, Sergio ran his fingers through his hair to move it out of the way, making Havi’s heart skip a beat. “A-ha.” Deciding a truncated version would be better, he summarized, “I live in the house across the yard from Nate and Mitchell. Ryan, Nate’s ex, owns it, but I rent from him. Mitchell didn’t see the lights on last night, so he texted me to be sure I was okay.” “That’s very caring.” “It is. I’m lucky to have the friends I have. They are going through some stuff with the custody of their son. Well, Nate’s son, mom lives next door. It’s a long story too.” Another bite of the food led to a “Yum. This is delicious, by the way.” “Thank you.” There was no ‘you’ll like them’ or ‘maybe you can meet them soon’ which made Havi slightly nervous. “After we eat, maybe we can take the dogs for a walk and I can tell you more?” “If you want to.” Squeezing Sergio’s hand, “There is no rush. You tell me when

you’re ready, okay?” Leaning over for another long, sensuous kiss, Sergio couldn’t believe how lucky he felt. He reached over to Havi to kiss him again. “I know the food is warm, and it’s delicious, but I’d like to thank you properly.” “Well, how do you intend to do that?” Sergio’s hand moved up to where he could feel Havi’s cock. “Not with words.” “It will give us something to look forward to.” Havi was a little tired, sore and anxious, not knowing what would come next in of their relationship. Was that sex on a first date or just sex? A few hours later, they realized they had spent the morning talking and laughing. They swapped stories about hospital food and the gossip about the staff you hear when you are there for a long time. About the noises of the machines and the beds. Listening to other people’s families in the hallway. They joked and bonded over their stories. Things other people might not think are funny, like figuring out how to get to the bathroom and being unsuccessful the first few times. Neither of them had anywhere to be, so they could spend the day in Havi’s backyard. The dogs were enjoying the sun and chasing the occasional squirrel. Once they moved into the living room, Sergio walked over to the bookshelf. It was one of the things he’d always do in a new place. What kinds of books do people keep out in the open? He noticed a book on the shelf that was more than just familiar. There were additional aspects that he would have to explain. “Have you read the whole series?” Holding the first of the Dr. Kenneth Clark books, Sergio flipped to read the dedication. This one didn’t have his name, just ‘for my superman’. The next one had the reference to him. “A friend bought it for me. We were going to watch the television show together, but only watched the first season and I’ve only read the first one. You?” Holding up the book and pointing to the back photo. “I have. This is Marc. Mitchell’s ex.” “What?! Really?” Havi had taken a seat on the couch, putting down his glass of water.

“Yep. Some of the sex in the hospital stories are based on my experiences.” The eye sparkle and smirk of mischief spread across the room. “I used to be that guy.” Trying to stay relaxed, there was so much more to Sergio’s story than he had shared before. “Dr. Clark is based on you?” “No. No. He’s based on Mitchell. Or was until they split up. I don’t know how Marc explains it at this point. But, a lot of the sex scenes in the first books are mine. Mitchell would never have sex in the hospital, he’s too straightlaced, though, a little less now. I used to be the promiscuous friend of the group.” Smiling, he put the book back on the shelf. “Oh. I see. And now?” Did that mean Sergio wasn’t interested in a relationship? ‘Used to be’ as in doesn’t want to be any more? “Things change I guess.” He walked over, taking a seat next to Havi, putting his feet up on the coffee table. “I haven’t really felt like it. ‘kem and I had an open relationship for most of the time we were together, which worked once we set some ground rules.” “Huh. And what are you looking for now?” Havi really liked Sergio, but Sergio was notoriously hard to read. “I’m not sure. I didn’t feel that confident before.” Shifting so he was now facing Havi, he said, “I’m feeling better now.” His lips made slow with Havi’s. “Thank you.” That mischievous sparkle was back but may have been misunderstood. “I’m glad I could help. Back to being the promiscuous friend?” Havi sounded a little unsure of what his role was in Sergio’s storyline. Maybe he was there to help him find himself again and that guy wasn’t monogamous? “Maybe this was just a therapy fuck or something?” With a look of surprise, he put his hand on Havi’s arm. “You think I spent the night with you because I just wanted to fuck someone and tell them my story?” That couldn’t be, could it? “I am a little afraid of that, yes.” Havi also shifted so he too was facing Sergio. He had learned to just be honest as opposed to assuming you knew anything.

“Not that you don’t trust me, or that we didn’t share something really important. But I do want to know where we go from here. I really like you Serge and I’m hoping you feel the same way.” Honesty. Talking about things. New weird reality. “Ah…. yeah. Wow.” Looking down, he had to think about this. He did just say he used to sleep around, so he couldn’t be surprised that Havi thought this might have been a one-night thing. But, no, of course it was more. Instead of getting defensive, letting his Scorpio tail swing freely and then leave because of the suggestion, he thought he should be honest too. “Okay, so, I used to be that guy. But that guy died that night in the hospital. I’m sorry if I made it sound like I wanted to be him again. I didn’t know how to be confident and not be the guy everybody wanted. It was difficult to live with that change. I used to have eyes on me as I walked into a room because of a completely different reason. I couldn’t deal with not being him. Now, I’m starting to feel the confidence part again, but don’t feel like I need the promiscuity. Part of the problem ‘kem and I had this past year was that he still wanted the open thing, and I didn’t.” Pausing, he thought about what he just said. “Mitchell would be so vindicated if he heard me say this.” “What do you mean?” He reached out to Sergio’s arm. His fingers slowly moving up and down. He was glad they could talk about how they both felt. Learning more about each other’s pasts was one thing. Learning how to communicate with each other was another. “Mitchell never understood why I wasn’t interested in monogamy before and always said I’d grow out of it. I’m not saying he’s right, I don’t think that’s what happened, but I think for right now, I’d rather be with one person.” His hand reached out to Havi. “I’m glad we became friends first. I don’t think I could have told anyone else my story in the manner that I did. Today is starting off much better than previous years.” Right. It was after midnight when Sergio told Havi about the accident. “Well, I’m glad I was here for you.” “With me. You were here with me.” Leaning over, he lightly kissed Havi’s lips with care. “I would like this to be more than a one-night thing if you’re okay with that.” Understanding, likes to talk about things, has a cute dog. There had to be something wrong with this guy. Besides the potential long-term emotional trauma part, which was okay with Serge. Who didn’t in some way?

“Yeah. I think I would like that.” Feeling better about the potential for them, Havi felt more relaxed. Sergio reached up and took Havi’s hand in his. “I think you are really lovely and I want to spend more time with you.” “I do too.” That accent. It was so cute. Even if they had very different backstories, they had other things in common. “But, here’s the thing. I haven’t been in a relationship since all this happened.” “Do you think that matters to me?” Folding his legs to curl up a little on the couch. Havi was so strong and confident, it seemed surprising that anything would bother him. “I don’t know.” Keeping a hold of Sergio’s hand, his other hand came up so he could lean his head on it. “I guess not. But, it’s just…” Havi couldn’t put together the words he wanted to say. “I didn’t really have a life where I could meet people before.” Laughing a little, “And my job wasn’t a place that was gay friendly.” “Right.” Watching Havi talk, he wanted to smile, but didn’t want to hurt his feelings. “It just sounds like your life, um, has been very different from mine……Is it weird that I’m intimidated by this?” “No. I don’t think so.” His hand moved to Havi’s hip. “I understand. If it makes you feel better, I’m ridiculously intimidated by your chosen profession and I can’t even imagine your life when you met Brady.” “I guess it is a different kind of job.” “I think we just ‘bring different things to the table’. Isn’t that a phrase here?” Smiling, Havi replied. “It is. And, you have a good point.” “I think we can learn things from each other. Already, you’ve taught me to be proud of my scars, not hide them. I think of them differently today than I did yesterday. You did that.”

“I can’t take all the credit. And now that I know about your former life, there must be things you can teach me.” “Oh, yeah. There are. I’d like to get your pants off again, if you’re okay with that.” That meant full day light. No hiding in the shadows. “Even if it is the middle of the day.” “I think that sounds lovely.” Havi laughed as he said it with an accent. “You’re really cute when you try to speak with a British accent.” Sergio leaned over and licked Havi’s lips softly as he exhaled warm breath against his skin before kissing him gently. Havi’s hand moved up Sergio’s leg to his hip, pulling him in closer. “I want you to feel at home here.” Pulling one leg over so his shins were on the couch and then he settled down onto Havi’s lap. His hands on Havi’s cheek, caressing his skin, “I do. Thank you.” Their afternoon could include a lot of learning but not a lot of clothes.

20

Anacostia District, Washington D.C. July 2013

The clinic was busier than anyone expected. It was rewarding work and had become a real community center. Mitchell, Paola and Ryan all started talking about expanding. Maybe putting in a town hall with cooking and exercise classes. A holistic center of sorts. All these conversations led to Ryan talking to Derrick about his fear of being some rich white guy that was going to help save the poor black people, which he didn’t want to be. They talked more about how to be sure the community made the decisions, so they created a Board of Directors that made most of the decisions together. Paola sat on the board as well and usually Mitchell would come to the meetings, but he preferred to be a silent partner, so it all worked out. They were all proud of the work and how it was growing. At the clinic, Paola was in her office doing paperwork. She wasn’t scheduled to see patients today, just trying to get a handle on all the insurance forms, grant reporting forms and meeting notes. Happy for a break, the knock at the door was a welcome one. “Come in.” Paola was hoping to get back out onto the floor to see if anyone needed help. Yet, her open-door policy sometimes meant staying behind a desk. “I brought you lunch.” Sergio and Gracie walked in with bags of food and drinks. “It’s just me though, no Radha.” Radha had come down a few times to talk to the staff about Post-Traumatic Stress, or Prolonged Traumatic Stress in the cases of a lot of folks that lived in the neighborhood. She seemed to be coming by more often, sometimes staying for lunch with Paola. Or dinner with Paola. “What is that supposed to mean?” She stood up to move some papers, so they could eat at her desk. “Thank you for lunch.”

“It means, you seemed to spend a lot of time with my physical therapists.” “Yeah, we’re friends. She’s helping me out a lot. I appreciate her perspective.” “Her perky what?” “I didn’t say that Serge.” She sat down at her desk before saying. “She is cute though, huh?” “She is and good at her job.” Sergio plopped down on the chair, grabbed his burrito and put his feet up on the desk. It was incredible how much more like himself he seemed to be lately. “She’s a keeper.” “Anyway. Let’s talk about you. You seem very different lately. What’s up?” The ease with which he moved his feet onto her desk made it seem like something new. “Something is different.” “Yeah. It is. Gracie has a new friend.” He had kept his friendship with Havi to himself these past few months. Talking in general about the new people he had met at Walter Reed, he left out names, dates, levels of attraction. “Oh? And where did she meet this friend.” Gracie found the dog bed that was in the corner so that when Sergio came in she had somewhere to be. She was chewing on her foot when Paola looked over. “Well. Her new friend, Brady, lives with a guy I met at Walter Reed.” “Okay. And his name is…” Eating while talking seemed to be a good way to get Sergio to talk. “Mahavir, which means ‘greatest hero’. But everyone calls him Havi.” “He already has a nickname. You don’t have to make one up for him.” “Good point! Though, I might anyway.” Everyone knew that Sergio liked to make up nicknames for people whether they liked it or not. “We started taking a spin class together, weights, yoga. Then the dogs met and really got along quite well, so we thought they should meet up more often.” Even if Sergio had not used names before, Paola could tell by the way he talked

about this particular guy from spin class that he was different. “Of course. For the dogs.” “Exactly. They get along great. Gracie likes having a new dog friend.” “And you?” Taking a sip of the horchata made her sentence short. “I also enjoy having a new friend.” He too took a sip with a big smile. “To be honest,” He moved his feet back to the floor. “I didn’t think he was gay when I met him. We talked about being injured and getting back to the gym, but nothing about our previous relationships until the other day. He’s a former Navy SEAL, so I assumed he was straight.” “Oh. Wow. That’s a life.” “Right? Sea Air Land. I had to look it up.” Sergio was leaning forward now, kind of whispering. “Brady came back with him from Afghanistan and is now an emotional dog.” “PTSD stuff?” “That and he lost his leg in an IED explosion. Brady saved his life.” “Oh, wow again.” It was still a surprise to hear about, even if she knew Sergio met him at Walter Reed. “Those were my words exactly. He understands a lot of what I’ve been through, in a different way of course.” Regardless of Havi playing it down sometimes, Sergio still couldn’t believe how nonchalant he could be about the story. Loss of a leg also meant similar issues with balance and stuff. The trauma of being a different person now was something she could sympathize with, but not live. It was good that Sergio had someone he could talk to. “I’m really glad you met him. So, what kind of ‘friend’ is he?” The mischievous sparkle in Sergio’s green eyes was not only back, but brighter than before. “The kind that makes me breakfast.” “Lucky you.” She was almost done with her lunch, though she knew there was more to the story.

“Yeah. I am. It was good that I didn’t know he was gay at first. He was just a mate I could talk to.” His tone changed, but not to the depressed one he would fall into before. “He’s good for me. Got me to talk about some things I couldn’t really talk about before.” “Things you couldn’t talk to us about because we were there?” “Yeah. Stuff like that. Not that I don’t appreciate all of you. But he understands from my perspective.” “I get it. I’m glad you can talk to him.” She knew it was the three-year anniversary but didn’t want to bring it up. “Do you think you, me and Mitchell can have dinner sometime soon? Havi and I have been talking about stuff and I would like to talk to you about some of what has come up.” “Yeah, of course sweetie. Were you with him the other day?” Not wanting to say it, she knew he’d know what she meant. “I was.” There was a pause because he really needed to talk to her about all of this. “I really like him Paola.” “That’s good, isn’t it?” “It is, but somehow I feel like I’m cheating on ‘kem. I know we split up, yet, I feel kind of bad.” “That I understand. It’s weird, I know.” Finishing their lunches, they sat and talked some more about dating again. Being close to people. Sergio told Paola more about Havi and some of the things they had talked about that he could never get Akemi to discuss. That was part of the problem, the comparison part. When would he stop comparing Akemi and Havi? She had done the same with Gretchen. There wasn’t really an answer, but it was good to talk about it between friends. After a while, Sergio had to go. He was meeting Havi for a hike with the dogs. Paola smiled as she saw her old friend come back into himself. With a kiss and a hug, Sergio left to start new adventures and she was happy to be there to

him. They made plans to all meet up for dinner in a few days. That way she could meet Havi and start to get to know him. A few hours later, the paperwork seemed to be getting bigger and the day busier. Mitchell had come in for the afternoon/evening shift, which meant he could lock up once her paperwork was done. That would probably be the same time the way things were going. Another knock on the door led to a big sigh before saying, “Yeah, come in.” “Hey Paola. Got a second?” Mitchell had some files in his hands. He was happy to let her be the boss. He could still travel with the relief group and do surgeries with Nate at the NIH, which is where he was that morning. Even with court dates and meeting with lawyers concerning Seth’s custody, they all still had to keep up with their work. “Sure Mitchell.” Of course, she was happy to talk to him. Expecting it to be about Seth, she asked, “What’s up?” Leaning on the door jamb, he looked at her perplexed. “Did you ever want to have a baby?” With a long pause and her mouth now open, she looked at Mitchell like, ‘What?’ “Is that a weird question?” He was holding folders the way he used to when he wasn’t sure about asking something. “For three in the afternoon it is. Why are you asking me this now?” “With all this stuff about custody of Seth and everything, I was just thinking about children and being parents. You know I’ve always wanted kids. Then I was thinking, I don’t know, I thought I’d ask you if you did too.” “You know, every once in a while, I think, ‘wow Mitchell sure has changed.’ Then you come into my office and ask if I ever wanted to have a baby.” “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you or anything.” “No. No. You didn’t. Well, you kinda did. It just took me off guard. I mean why are you asking me in the middle of the afternoon and not maybe, after work?”

They looked at each other for a moment in silence. “I get it. This might not seem like the most appropriate time.” Mitchell with a half-smile. “So…” “Are you still expecting an answer?” “Kind of?” “Why are you asking me if I want kids?” After shuffling the files around a little, he changed the position of his legs. Still leaning against the door jamb, Mitchell knew he should elaborate. “Well. The other day, I was thinking as I watched Nate and Seth go over his homework. Now that April is a solo at her place, we’ve all been spending more time together.” “He has homework? Isn’t he in like the first grade?” “Yeah, but he goes to St. Andrew’s Episcopal School in Potomac. It’s for smart kids. So, he has homework. I think it was French or something.” “Nate speaks French?” Mitchell just looked at her and waited for her to realize what she just said. It didn’t take long for her to agree. “Of course, he does. Sorry, go on. Will you come in and sit down?” “Okay. Yeah.” He walked in, put the folders down and settled into the chair on the other side of her desk. “So. I’m watching them together and thought that maybe I wanted to have a kid too. Maybe Nate and I should have a baby. Maybe I could father a child just like he did. You know what I mean?” “I do, but why did that lead you to my office? Where do I fit in here?” “Well, I wasn’t sure if you ever wanted to be a mother. Maybe we could have a kid together? If you wanted one too?” “Oh. Wow. Mitchell. Not all women want to have babies.” “I know. But I didn’t know if you ever had that thought. We’ve never talked

about it. You know?” Paola looked at him sideways for a second. “A few years ago, I did. I was having some reproductive issues, let’s say, and I talked to my doctor about having my ovaries taken out.” “When was that? How come you didn’t tell me?” “Not about you Mitchell.” “I just want you to know I could listen, that’s all. I’m sorry you didn’t feel like you could talk to me about it.” “It’s okay, thank you. And, I didn’t really feel comfortable talking about it to anyone then. Or now really. But. For the sake of a good story, I will. When I was debating having my ovaries out, I thought about the prospect that I couldn’t have kids if I had the surgery. I never really wanted kids before, but when it came to that, I had to think about it in more detail. I didn’t have the surgery, but it was a hard choice.” “Well, is it something you ever thought of again?” “I don’t know. Not really. And I’m not really in a place where I’d want to be pregnant for months and work.” “Oh right. That part.” “Yeah, having a kid sounds easier when you aren’t the one that’s carrying it.” “You’re right. I was just thinking about it. With everything going on about Seth’s custody, it’s been on my mind.” Grabbing some mugs for tea, she realized this was going to be a longer chat. “How’s the court stuff going?” Settling down a little more, this probably wasn’t the best time because the answer was longer than the time they had between patients. “You would not believe the crap Gordon is trying to pull. He brought in that psychologist, the one he took Seth to. This guy is a total crackpot. Thinks gay people should not be parents so testified that we are bad for Seth’s well-being. The worse part was

that the judge kept letting him talk. It’s all on the record. I could feel Nate getting angrier and angrier, but he kept his cool. The lawyer Ryan referred us to is amazing. She had some studies showing that there is no evidence this guy is right. She said she could call in other specialists if need be.” “Jesus Mitchell. That must have been awful.” “Yeah, it was. Nate’s a pretty amazing guy when it comes to stressful situations. I was glad I could be there, it was hard to hear this guy talk. Then, Gordon tried to use some photos as evidence that our home was a den of iniquity.” “What?” Pouring them some tea, she handed Mitchell a mug. After thanking her for the tea, he continued. “He had photos of Sergio and Akemi kissing, shirtless by our pool from last year. Don’t tell him though, I don’t want Serge to know. He’ll feel responsible. It’s not his fault.” “You’re probably right. I won’t say anything. But…” She shifted in her chair trying to wrap her head around everything Mitchell was telling her. “Why does Gordon have any case at all?” “He’s suing April for custody because he thinks Seth’s living situation is not healthy. Even though he’s not a legal guardian, they were engaged and he’s saying Seth would be better off with him. And this is Maryland.” “That is a ridiculous load of crap.” “Yes. Yes it is.” After looking at the clock, he knew there wasn’t another patient for a few more minutes. Crossing his legs, Mitchell sat back in the chair. “I’m glad we have the lawyer we have. It has made a big difference.” “That’s good. I’m glad you have her too.” “Yeah. Ryan knows a lot of people.” Sipping the tea, it was good to talk to Paola. “He’s paying for her as well.” That was probably a relief and probably difficult for Mitchell, so she asked, “How do you feel about that?” “At first, it bothered me. You know, that he could help Nate in a way that I

couldn’t or some Mitchell-crap like that.” Mitchell tapped his head. “But, I realized, I’m here every day with Nate, ing him, helping him get through this. This lets Ryan help protect Seth in a way as well. He has known Seth since he was born, this has to be hard for him too.” “That’s very astute of you Mitchell.” She was proud of how Mitchell had changed. “I’m glad you’re okay with it.” “Yeah, me too. April and Nate are a good team and good parents. They take good care of their son and they need to keep custody. If Ryan can help, great. We need everyone’s help now.” Paola sat for a moment with her tea before saying, “You don’t think of Seth as your son too?” “No. I’m not really sure how I would define my relationship with Seth. Most of you guys know us, so it’s not like I have to answer the question of who I am to Seth, you know? There was a flight attendant that said we were a cute family. I didn’t really know if I should correct him. I just let Nate do the talking. And I haven’t talked to Nate about it. With all this stuff about custody and Gordon, I don’t want to bring it up.” “Maybe you should talk to Nate? He seems open to talking about it. Did he say he wanted you two to talk more?” “He did. I should, eventually. But I just don’t know how? Especially with everything else going on.” “Maybe now is the perfect time. Maybe say something like, ‘Hey Nate, I know you have a lot to think about right now, but what do you think my role is in Seth’s life?’ or something?” “Oh, that’s an idea. Huh.” He hadn’t thought about asking Nate his opinion of his role in Seth’s life. “You want to be helpful with the case, right? If it comes up in court, you also need an answer.” “That is also a good point. Since we’re the married ones now, I could see Gordon saying some bullshit about worrying we’ll try to get full custody. And that we

aren’t in a committed relationship since we’re men. The psychologist said we couldn’t have a long-term monogamous relationship in his testimony. Maybe that’s how I bring it up with Nate?” “I think that makes sense. Talking about it is always better than not.” They spent a little more time talking about being parents, about being parental role models to other people, especially gay people. There had been a few teenagers that came into the clinic with questions. These were their surrogate children. It was good to talk, though the clinic was getting busy. Before he left her office, Paola told him about Sergio stopping by. Normally, she would let Sergio tell his own story, but this story had to do with Mitchell too. She told him about Sergio being with Havi on the accident anniversary and that maybe they could all get together to talk. Time had ed since their experience in Boston, which brought a lot back for all of them. Talking about it would good. They made some tentative plans for dinner later in the week. It was good they were all together again. Once Mitchell left her office, she looked back at the tall stack of paperwork. This too was worth it, but it was more work than she thought it would be. An office manager might be a good idea. Another thing for the to-do list.

21

Hollywood, California January 2014

Twenty thirteen had some ups and downs for both Marc and CJ, yet, it closed on a good note. There was a bit of a dark cloud in the fall as CJ had been caught with his pants down, quite literally, and with another man. Those photos had been released by TMZ a few months before, but Marc seemed to brush it off. Despite CJ’S previous indiscretion, Marc brought him down to Miami for Christmas. That way, he could get to know Marc’s family and vice versa. Gloria was coming around because Marc seemed to be happy, and that was what she really wanted. Since they were down there for a while, they took a trip to the Keys and spent quality time together. The show was picked up for another season, meaning Marc had to get back to writing the new episodes. This would be the season with Ken’s wedding and all that, which was going to be difficult to write. However, Marc trusted the team and there was some other stuff they had talked about doing. Their time in Miami was fun, relaxing and good for CJ and Marc to connect with each other. After Miami, they were headed to California. Never in a million years did Marc think he would be invited to the Golden Globes. But, this year, the show had a few nominations including set design, editing and best actor in a TV drama. CJ was up for the award, but the competition was tough. They picked up their Tom Ford suits, caught a plane to Los Angeles and away they went. Trying to stay calm, they walked the red carpet, with all the cameras and fans screaming CJ’s name. They stopped for photos, were interviewed by ET, Extra and a few other entertainment shows. They asked CJ about the nomination. They asked Marc about the show and his books. Lots of questions as to who designed their suits. It was all very exciting. CJ seemed extremely calm, all things considered. They held hands or kept an arm around each other for photos. A few asked for photos of just CJ, so Marc would stand back. Each time, after a few, CJ would ask Marc to come back with a kiss. They didn’t have enough nominations to get a whole table in the front, but they

had a table on the side, second tier, that they shared with another BBC show. Looking around the room, Marc was trying not to be star-struck. Everyone was there. All chatting with each other like old friends and like this was a normal everyday gathering. Marc was getting texts from Ryan all throughout the evening. ‘Who had he seen? Who had he met? What was going on during the commercials?’ They were having a viewing party at the studio, so everyone was watching. As the night went on, they chatted with people. A few more famous people came by to say how much they enjoyed the show and Marc’s books. Some of those people were not openly gay, but they seemed very fond of the show. With each person, they would smile and giggle a little about whomever it was that came over to the table. Finally, it was getting closer to CJ’s category. CJ had his elbows on the table with his hands up to his face, kind of hiding. He leaned over to Marc with a smile, “I wish they would just get to my category.” “Are you nervous?” Marc was surprised. CJ rarely seemed anything except overwhelmingly confident. “Wouldn’t you be?” Not like he was expecting to win, not against Damien Lewis and Bryan Cranston, but if it was over, he could relax. “I’d be curled up in a ball, under the table.” He kissed him on the cheek. “Nobody can tell.” “Thank you, I think.” CJ kept his hands up until it was getting to be that time. His foot was tapping under the table waiting as he knew his category would be soon. As the presenters walked up to announce the winner for best actor in a television drama, CJ grabbed Marc’s hand under the table with excitement. The stars of Law and Order started by talking about the great strides in television over the year. The amazing dramas to come out of cable television, with summaries of the shows before reading the nominations. Reading the nominations seemed to take forever. As they read CJ’s name as a nominee, he picked up Marc’s hand and kissed it. Marc could feel his phone buzz. It was probably Ryan saying he saw them on TV. “And the winner is…” CJ’s fingers tightened around Marc’s. “CJ Stavros, The

Life and Times of Kenneth Clark.” All of the books had the title of a 1980’s love song. Roxy Music’s More Than This was the title of the first book. Luckily, they received permission to use the song as their theme. Marc had never been so happy to hear the first few bars start to play. There was nothing more than this at the moment. Marc’s eyes and smile widen as he turned to look at CJ, who looked as white as a ghost with his mouth wide open. He didn’t believe that it was really happening until he looked at Marc who was starting to stand up, as was the rest of the table. “That’s you Chris. Go!” CJ looked at Marc again with amazement. He grabbed Marc’s cheeks, kissing him. Then gave him a big hug saying, “I won!” “You won, go get it.” “Okay. Right. Wow.” Shaking his head in amazement, he started to walk to the stage. On the way, a few hands came out to shake from the other nominees and other actors. As they handed him the award, all he could say at first was “wow” as he looked at the statue. A deep breath helped him focus his thought. “I didn’t really think this was going to happen. Okay. First, thank you to my parents & family for all their over all the years of struggle. To my agents for getting me the audition. The cast and crew, our producers, everyone at BBC2. All of this is really overwhelming right now. Um, all the writers and staff at the studio. But most of all, there is one man without whom none of this would be possible.” Looking up from the award and straight at Marc, “Marc, thank you for giving me the chance to play this role. You amaze me every day, I am so lucky. I can’t image my life without you. I know I’ve made some mistakes. Hell, everyone in this room knows that (laughter from the audience). But I love you and I sometimes can’t believe you love me back. Thank you so much Marcos. Lastly, to all the kids out there that are afraid to go to school because they don’t want to be beat up or bullied. We are here for you. We you. It will get better and I’m proof of that. Thank you. Thank you so much for this award.” At the table, Marc had started to cry. His phone was buzzing non-stop. He looked at the folks around him and they were all tearing up too. How exciting for the show, for CJ, for him. He expected time before CJ came back since he’d

have to answer questions and talk to reporters first. Marc started to take out his phone to call Ryan and check in with him when a golden globe was placed on the table in front of him. Turning, he looked up to see CJ. “Should you be in the back talking to the press?” Marc was so happy for CJ. All the hours and work had paid off in a way nobody expected. And with that speech, he was bound to be invited to many more fundraisers, awards banquets, public speaking opportunities. Already listed as an up and coming star and one of People’s sexiest men alive, CJ’s career was about to take off. No guarantee he would win the Emmy too, but you never know. “I told them I’d come back. I had to show you and do this.” He leaned over and kissed Marc again, pulling up to him. “I love you Marc. Thank you. Without you, this wouldn’t have happened.” “CJ, you did the work, I just wrote it.” It felt great for the show, the whole team. They were a family and a win for one was a win for all. “I’m so proud of you. That was a great speech too.” “I meant it you know. Thank you.” Kissing Marc again, “I can’t believe this happening.” He couldn’t stop smiling. “Are you going to call your parents?” “Later. I’ll call them after all this. I should go back there and talk to folks or everyone will be pissed that I didn’t do enough press.” “True. We’ll be here.” “You wanna come?” “No, this is your moment Chris.” “Okay. I love you. I’ll be back.”

22

New York, New York February 2014

“And another rough one for novelist and TV show creator Marc Romero.” The anchors on the mid-day entertainment shows were more than willing to discuss people’s private lives quite publicly. “Yes Jim. Photos were just revealed by TMZ that are explicit pictures of his show’s star CJ Stavros and an unnamed man. As you know, the two have been linked romantically as well as CJ is the star of the show based on Romero’s books.” “That’s a tough one Jill. I’d hate to be him today,” “Well, it isn’t the first-time pictures like these have been released.” “After that speech at the Golden Globes, it seemed like this wouldn’t happen again. But, I guess we were wrong.” “Turn it off” Ryan was trying to focus on the script and trying to avoid all the press, but the other writers had the TV on to watch it all unfold. “Have you talked to him?” Sophie was one of the head writers on the show and really cared about Marc’s well-being. Plus, last time this happened, Marc yelled at everyone for days. “Not yet. I’m really not sure what to say to him this time.” With a look of pure confusion, Ryan didn’t know how to help his friend through all this. He really thought they were wrong about CJ before, but maybe he just couldn’t be monogamous. Maybe Marc was okay with it? “Well, can you? We have a meeting in a bit, and I want to know if we need to start looking for new jobs.” It had to be funny, because the stress was too much.

“Or just a new cast?” “Yeah, Okay. I’ll go see.” Reluctantly pushing his chair away from his desk, Ryan grabbed the scripts and headed to Marc’s office down the hall. Maybe he could use the scripts as an excuse? As he approached the door, he tried to think of what to say after the initial pleasantries, of which there would probably be few. “Hey Samantha. Marc in?” “Yeah, but he won’t let anyone in. Not even me.” Samantha was trying not to read anything on her computer, in case Marc walked out. Which meant she was looking at her phone under her desk. “He was here when I got in and the door was locked. There was an email saying no one was allowed in, and I can hear Selena through the door.” “That is a very bad sign. Tell me it’s not Si Una Vez.” Ryan knew Selena could be for good things or heartbreak, it would depend on the song. “It is. And not only once, it’s seems to be on a loop with Ya Ves.” “Crap. Okay. I have the script re-writes for him. I guess it’s pretty clear that he saw the photos of CJ.” “Pretty sure, yeah.” Damn that CJ for being himself. Very explicit pictures were circulating of him and another man, again. Given the show’s popularity, CJ was up for a number of movie roles, which he usually got. At the moment, he was on location in a very remote part of New Zealand with no cell service, meaning he was unreachable. Not that Marc had tried to call him. Though, Marc’s mom called and asked lots of questions that Marc didn’t have answers for. So, he turned off his phone. Standing at the door, Ryan yelled, “Marc. It’s Ryan. I have re-writes for you.” After a few moments, he heard the door unlock and felt that meant he could come in. “You can put the scripts on the desk.” Marc was lying on the couch in his office with an eye pillow over his eyes, a bottle of rum on the coffee table and a song about not giving someone a second chance because they cheated again playing in the background. After mutter something in Spanish, he rolled away from the

door. “You gonna talk to me or not?” Ryan closed the door behind him and walked over to the desk. “Nope. I’ll read over the changes, though I think maybe we should kill off Dr. Clark this season. A new twist.” “Well, we are on BBC, so it wouldn’t be that weird to kill the lead character.” Leaning up against the desk, Ryan shook his head. “Have you tried to him?” “No.” “Has he tried to you?” Ryan knew CJ was off in the wilderness of New Zealand, but he had to hear about these pictures by now. “I don’t know. My phone is off and it’s not really a surprise. Plus, everyone else is calling me and I don’t want to talk to them.” Taking the eye pillow off, Marc rolled over and looked at Ryan, “Can you run the writer’s meeting later? I can’t take the looks.” “Yeah, sure. But maybe you should try talking to him before you decide?” “Okay. Thank you, Mr. Stevens. That’s all. Now you can go.” With the pillow over his eyes again, Marc clearly was not in the mood. Muttering again in Spanish thinking Ryan wouldn’t understand, he rolled away before saying, “Please close the door on your way out.” Knowing Marc well enough to know not to push it, and understanding what he mumbled, Ryan left but wanted to stay and make him talk. Walking down the hallway back to the writer’s room, Ryan’s phone rang. Answering, he wasn’t sure of the number or who it was. “Hello?” “Ryan?” Standing in the hallway, Ryan looked at the phone thinking, what if it was a reporter? Crap. “Yeah.” “It’s CJ.”

“Oh. Okay.” That was better than someone from the tabloids, but still weird. “Marc won’t answer his phone.” “Yeah, he won’t talk to anyone. You can guess why. I thought you were out where there is no service.” “I was. I’m headed home. Luckily, Ian helped me out and talked to Peter about why I needed some time to come back to clear this up in person.” Well, this was kind of romantic. Maybe Ryan was wrong about changing his mind about CJ, for the millionth time. At this point, he was confused about his opinion of CJ too. “Okay. Well…You know where to find Marc when you get here.” “Ryan, those pictures are from 3 years ago.” “What?” Clearly calling from the airport meant it was hard to hear him so Ryan wasn’t sure what he just heard. “They are from 3 years ago. That guy was in a play with me in Chicago. It was before I even met Marc.” “You don’t have to explain this to me.” Still not sure what he was supposed to do with this information…. “Yes. I do. I know what you guys think of me and why they are out now is something I need to talk to Marc about, but you have to believe me. I didn’t cheat on him. This guy is trying to make trouble and I need to clear it up.” Standing in the hallway, Ryan still wasn’t sure what to do with this information. All he could think was ‘again. You didn’t cheat on him ‘again’. Last time CJ was more nonchalant about the whole thing as if pictures of him getting a blow job from a guy in a bar in Vegas was okay. This tone was different, hum. “Okay. I believe you CJ. I’m not sure Marc will though….but, I think it will be good to talk to him. Do you want me to tell him you are on your way?” It would still take many hours before CJ would be back in New York. “I don’t know.” The quiet on the other end was louder than the airport in the background. “I just needed someone to know. Thank you, Ryan.”

“You’re welcome, I guess. Let me see if Marc will let me in to his office. If he does, should he call this number?” “It’s a pay phone. My phone died and is charging. Maybe he can email me? I can check it on the plane?” “Okay. I’ll try.” Walking back, Ryan shook his head at Samantha saying, “Did he lock it again?” He didn’t stop walking “No, but I don’t think he wants…” If she hadn’t been looking at her phone under the desk, she might have been able to stop him. But, then again, maybe Ryan could make her work day less stressful. Too late. Ryan was opening the door. “Okay Marc. He called me and said those pictures are from 3 years ago and he’s on his way home to talk to you.” “Why are you in here?” Marc was still on the couch but pulled his eye pillow down to glare at Ryan. “Samantha was supposed to keep you all out. Is she on her phone watching TMZ again?” “I let myself in. CJ called from a payphone at the airport because he is on his way back. Will you email him?” “No. I don’t want to talk to him. And what do you mean he’s on his way here? He’s filming. Who leaves filming a Peter Jackson movie in a New Zealand summer to come back to snow?” “So, this is kinda cool – Ian McKellan helped him explain to Mr. Jackson that he needed to head back here to fix stuff with you because of the pictures. They are from 3 years ago and he said the guy is trying to start trouble, so he wants to talk to you in person.” “Huh.” Sitting up more, Marc thought for a second, “Okay. That’s kind of cool that he’s flying home to see me.” “Yeah, isn’t it?” “Yeah. I feel like I should meet him at the plane, in a long gown, with fog around

us.” “Absolutely.” Ryan sat down on the coffee table. “Look Marc, I get why you are suspicious. Especially after that Vegas thing, but it seems like he is making an effort, right?” There was a silence for a moment. “And how we were all going to try talking instead of arguing?” That got a look from Marc. A returned look from Ryan was a smile. “I guess I should see what he has to say.” “You running the meeting then?” “Yeah, okay. Plus, I like some of this and some I’m not sure of.” Sitting thinking. “What time is your class today? You have time for lunch?” “Of course. Class is later. Wanna eat and talk?” “I would. Let me grab my coat, a hat and sunglasses.” “Okay, good. Let me get my stuff. You want me to come back here, or you wanna come down the hall with me?” Slowly getting up, Marc had to take a big breath. “I’ll come down with you.” As he approached his writers, he could see them look up at him with pity, but he had to be strong about this. It was his decision to date a notorious playboy. “Okay everyone, just so you know we are killing Dr. Clark in the next episode.” Quiet filled the room. “I’m just kidding. We aren’t doing that, though we might re-cast…. still kidding. I did this to myself, it’s not your problem. I know everyone has seen the news. Don’t worry, you still have jobs. Maybe this will get more people to watch the show?” He smiled, so they all smiled too. Nobody had said a single word since he walked in. “I’m going to think about some of these ideas while I eat something that is solid and non-alcoholic. Then we can have our meeting when I get back. Good?” The room agreed and nodded yes, with some ‘sure’, ‘whatever you need’ and ‘sounds great’ coming from various corners. “Cool. Be back in a bit.”

Now, where to eat where nobody would recognize him, or if they did, nobody would say anything. While they ate lunch, an email popped up on Marc’s phone. It was from CJ. He explained that this guy had emailed him before saying he’d release the photos if he didn’t pay him. He was going to come straight to Marc once he landed to see him even if his publicists said he needed to get on TV first thing. He continued to state that Marc was more important to him than his career. Reading the email aloud so Ryan could hear, Marc wasn’t sure what he thought. “On the one hand, that’s very romantic and makes me feel special. But, that’s kinda a lot of pressure.” “My first thought is ‘ahhh. How sweet’. Who wouldn’t want that? But. I kinda see your point. Which doesn’t sound like me at all.” “No. It doesn’t. What’s wrong with you. You’re the young, bright-eyed, romantic one.” “True. I am. But, the business side of me says he should talk to his publicist first. I can’t help it.” “Yeah.” Looking at Ryan, Marc continued. “I’m going to reply and say, meet with Marty. Then come over.” “Are you going to tell him you two are good?” “Well, that wouldn’t explain my behavior this morning, but, yeah. I will.” What a strange life this was. Marc had no idea how to explain why it hurt so much and yet he was more concerned with CJ’s career than CJ seemed at the moment. Getting in front of tabloid stories was something he wished he’d done when he left Mitchell. Thinking back to that time, he considered that the pain of a public break-up might be part of why he was upset. He didn’t want to do that again. Nobody knew about Nate when he and Mitchell split, the rags made it seem like he just left Mitchell for CJ. Was there some pride involved in him not becoming the sad one that got cheated on? Maybe this time the narrative could change if CJ exposed this guy for what he was. That would be better than strange online sympathy or that tone with his mom. And yet, was he staying with CJ to prove that he made the right choice? Not that going back to Mitchell was even

an option. This was thinking about him too much. He had to focus on the task at hand. The new season of his very successful show with his very troublesome leading man.

23

Washington D.C. March 2014

There are things that you think are a good idea at the time, but then you realize, maybe it’s isn’t a smart choice and you wish you had made a different one. Things like calling your ex when you’re drunk, the dolphin tattoo on your ankle, or the condo you bought that you can’t sell after you realized it was downdraft from a landfill. Those might have bigger consequences. Or, there are things like painting one wall bright purple and another orange or getting a really bad short haircut. Those can lead to fixable problems. It’s not permanent, but it will take a lot of work and time. There are things like the car you are thinking of buying sight unseen. On the drive to the potential car, you realize that this could go either way and you have to decide what to do in the moment, but you can change your mind. Then there are things like when your husband offers to ‘help you relax’ while you’re driving because you look stressed out. Seemed like a good idea when Mitchell offered his services. But, now, it seemed like it might turn out to be a very bad idea. Especially since there were other cars on the road and Nate did have to fix the results of car accidents on a regular basis. Maybe it wasn’t as good of an idea, but now he’d already started, so how do you stop? It had been a long time before they had anytime together, they had to take what they could get. Finding quiet time at the Blake/Davis house was hard do to of late. Between the new clinic getting going, Nate’s surgery and research schedule, and the custody battle there wasn’t a lot of time for each other. Once April had officially ended things with Gordon, the difficulties became more intense. April needed more of their help not just with things like Seth’s schedule, but dinner, emotional , laundry, everything. Having to go to court wasn’t something they thought would happen, but it did. The 10 months of meetings with lawyers and judges took their toll. At least now it was over. They won, Gordon lost and that also set a good precedent for other gay parents. It wasn’t easy and at times they didn’t know if they would prevail, but they did. Trying to be sure Seth didn’t get caught up in

the legal drama, they spent free time doing things like building a tree house or taking him to fun places. To ensure their house was up to snuff in case child protective services stopped by, they continued to childproof the surroundings and added photos of their families. Since Nate had burned all of his photos of them, and Mitchell didn’t keep them because it was too hard, they individually didn’t have photos of their life in college. Luckily, Paola had found some she could share with them. Even Nate’s mom found some and sent them down. In all their home was warm and loving, and very busy. There was also ing each other in their personal growth. Working in places that needed medical care was part of why they wanted to open this clinic, but there was the rest of the world that needed help. Mitchell was still associated with outreach clinics all over the world and he continued to travel with those groups. Three weeks here, three weeks there, sometimes less, sometimes more. Although they missed each other, Nate wanted to be ive and encouraging, so didn’t stop Mitchell from going. Now that the legal battle was over, Nate promised that he would him for a week here and there if he could get away in the year to come. With the next scheduled trip to India coming up, they decided to spend time alone before Mitchell had to leave. A long weekend at Timberfell in Tennessee was exactly what they needed. Being at a men’s resort, they weren’t the unicorns in the room, they were just like everyone else. Quiet time together in a cabin in the woods was wonderful, beautiful and refreshing. Lazy mornings in bed with afternoon socials made for a good balance. Being with other couples that they had not met before was also more enjoyable because they could be “Nate and Mitch” without any baggage. No explanation needed about the years between college and now. Or their exes, or their lives apart. When asked how long they had been together, Mitchell replied saying he had been in love with Nate for about 15 years. Which made Nate smile and left it at that. They needed to reconnect with each other after all that had happened, and this was the place to do it. Their vacation together was wonderful. It was hard to pack the car back up and drive home. Leaving Timberfell also meant they had to get Mitchell to the airport. They spent as long as they could in Tennessee and they knew they might be cutting it close, but it was hard to leave such a great place. The drive back to Maryland was beautiful. Yet, they didn’t expect the high traffic getting into D.C. Cars were bumper to bumper and Nate had started to worry about getting to the

airport on time. His stress was getting to be more obvious as the clock ticked away. He was anxious about getting to the airport and sad that Mitchell was leaving. Given both, Mitchell offered to help Nate relax while he was driving with a mischievous smile. As his hands moved to the zipper of Nate’s jeans, Nate didn’t stop him. ing the feeling of Mitchell’s lips and tongue around his cock, Nate couldn’t really say ‘no’, not after the wonderful weekend they had. The idea that Mitchell would be gone for three weeks meant this might hold him over. Even if there were other cars on the road, they weren’t really moving, so sure! But, similarly to other things that seems like a good idea at the time, Nate hadn’t really taken into things like needing to keep your eyes on the road. Much less keeping your eyes open at all. And now cars were moving. As many times as he’d seen movies or television shows where they implied this situation, he wasn’t quite sure how it could come to an end in a safe way. And he couldn’t fix his own spinal cord if they were in an accident. Keeping one hand at the 12, so that Mitchell had room to move, and Nate’s left at the 7, so he could rest his elbow on the door handle for stability. Mitchell was slowly moving his tongue, his lips tightly surrounding the base, the muscles of his mouth contracting. He couldn’t really reach underneath, but he could put his hand on Nate’s chest, caressing his nipples under his shirt. It was awkward, but doable and he wanted to get as much of Nate as he could. Nate still hadn’t become comfortable with internet sex, or phone sex, maybe a suggestive email, but that was about it. Three weeks was a long time to be apart, not able to touch his skin, to kiss his lips, do what he was doing at the moment. He was going to take his time, spend as long as he could in his position, even if it was slightly uncomfortable. They couldn’t really drive while moving this to the back seat, though he was hoping there would be time to do that before he had to get out of the car. Since there was traffic, he suggested pulling off, then get back on the road when traffic died down. However, Nate was worried about getting to the airport, so Mitchell leaned down and unzipped Nate’s pants, saying “you gonna stop me?” with a smile. The warmth and moisture of Mitchell’s mouth was helping Nate relax, regardless of the cars around him. How was he going to keep his eyes on the road while he felt the ecstasy of the situation? The other cars started to move around them as Nate took his foot off the brake. Biting his lip, he moaned and closed his eyes for a moment. Luckily, he opened his eyes back up in time to see the car in front of

his had stopped right before hitting the bumper. Being stopped was safer. He was also fairly certain that the guy in the next car over knew what was going on. Mitchell’s previous suggestion of pulling off the road might be a better idea about now. Yet trying to change lanes seemed dangerous. Then again, so did losing consciousness since Mitchell’s movements were strong and sensuous. Nate did have pretty good control of his breathing and his own orgasm, making this the ultimate test of all that. With controlled breathes, Nate tried to slow himself down so he could focus on the road and not get too distracted. The cars were moving more consistently, and they were now closer to the airport. There might just be the time to park for a moment before they had to go in. He had to keep his breathing steady, just like Mitchell’s mouth moving up and down. Slow and steady. “Fuck. Mitch.” Holding the steering wheel with one hand, his fingers intertwined with Mitchell’s hair. Encouraging and ive, that was the phrase of the week. Encourage and each other in all their endeavors. “Shit. It’s hard to keep focus.” A laugh from below corresponded with a little nipple squeeze from Mitchell. “We’re gonna park and finish this off as soon as I can get across three lanes of traffic and find a place to pull over.” Mitchell laughed again and tried to say, “sounds good.” But it was difficult to make out the syllables with his mouth full. Caressing Mitchell’s scalp with his fingertips, Nate said, “I’m going to miss you.” The world was spinning, but Nate’s breathing was helping hold it together. There were other words that came out of the Mitchell’s mouth, but Nate couldn’t figure out what he was saying. Luckily, there was a sign for Ronald Reagan International Airport. Soon, they could stop the car and maybe he could return the favor or something. Automated ticket machines meant they could pull into the lot unnoticed, except the security cameras of course. They found a spot to stop by the international depatures area. They were within the two hours that was requested engers arrive, but Mitchell was willing to run to the gate if it meant spending more time

with Nate. Once he put on the parking brake, he pulled the lever that pushed the seat down, creating more space and letting him finally close his eyes. Mitchell’s mouth sped up and he pulled him in with more suction. Nate’s hand moved to the head rest, letting the world spin away. It wasn’t long before Nate started to climax, his back arching up before settling back down. Mitchell climbed on top of him to kiss him as Nate relaxed down, his hands coming up to Mitchell’s cheeks for a long kiss. “Can I do something for you before you have to get out of the car?” Nate still had his eyes closed as he reveled in the energy between them. “Nah. I should probably go to check in.” Mitchell kissed him again. Not really wanting to get up, he knew he had to leave soon. “You know I’ll take some time for myself on the plane.” Laughing, there were things about Mitchell that still surprised him. Sex on nonprivate planes was not something he could see himself doing. Even if it was with himself. “I know. I just can’t believe it sometimes.” “I can’t either, but what choice do I have? If you were coming with me…” Mitchell kissed him one last time and then started to move off of Nate to grab his bag. “Next time. I’ll come with you next time.” He had every intention of going with Mitchell one of these times. This time just didn’t work out since the custody battle had just ended and he wanted to spend time with his son. It was important that he and April were around to be sure Seth was okay. “Let me walk you to security.” “It’s okay. I want you to stay here and enjoy.” Grabbing his bag from the backseat, “I should get going.” “I’m going to miss you Mitch.” His hand reached out to Mitchell’s cheek, “I love you, you know.” “I know you do. I love you too Nate.” One last kiss before weeks away. “I’ll check in with you when I get to .” Putting the seat back up, Nate decided to go into the terminal anyway. “I can’t let you go in by yourself. I’m coming in.”

“Okay then.” Laughing, Mitchell knew there was no reason to try to argue. If Nate made up his mind, that was it. Holding hands, they walked in the terminal. Checking into his flight, the airline representative mentioned that he was cutting it close. His reply was suggestive that they didn’t feel like getting out of the car right away, making Nate blush. Then, they walked to the security gates. That was the place they had to part, which was hard to do. One more long, ionate, life affirming kiss. “I’m glad we got away for your birthday. I’m going to miss you. Enjoy Easter with your parents.” Mitchell’s trips seemed to coincide with holidays that grandparents liked to come down. They were all getting along better now, but why push it? “When you get back, we’ll celebrate yours in the same way.” A few weeks here and there instead of months at a time like before. One more kiss and Nate had to let him walk away. He watched him get in line, waving goodbye as he walked to the other side of the x-ray machine and walk down the walkway. Maybe he’d reconsider this internet/phone sex thing. Getting back into the car, Nate realized that it had been three years since their week in Chicago. Since the night they decided to try this again, one week at a time. In that time, they had grown into a married couple that ed each other. They had lived through a legal battle over his child and he felt nothing but from Mitchell. Even the way they talked about Mitchell’s role in Seth’s life was one of comion and understanding. Sitting down with April to talk it all over also helped with their court case. They could present a stable family for Seth with many people who loved him and who would protect him as if Seth was their own. Mitchell was just as important of a person to Seth, even if he wasn’t a biological parent. All of the people in Seth’s life respected each other, weren’t constantly trying to undermine each other. Not like Gordon was doing to them. The judge said, on the record, Seth was a lucky kid to have such great parents. However, three years was the point when it all went wrong last time. Three years seemed like forever when they were in college. It took Nate more than three years to get over their break up before. He couldn’t think about that happening now. Maybe this time would be different. They were different people now. Their lives were very different. And yet, it frightened him to think about. He began to worry that something else would go wrong. How would he deal with it if it did?

What would he say to Seth this time? The words to Islands in the Stream came into his mind, “I will hurt you never. We start and end as one. In love forever. We can ride it together.” How could they be wrong? Then, his phone beeped. Looking down he read ‘I miss you already. I love you Nate. I never stopped loving you. Not for 15 years. I’m glad we’ve spent the last three together. The next 15 will be even better. And we rely on each other. From one lover to another.’ A smile came across his face. He obviously was also thinking of the same song. With every beat of their hearts. There were things for them to work on, but he was confident that they would do it together. Ah-huh. Thanks Dolly.

24

Washington D.C. April 2014

The success of the clinic led to long days for Paola, Sergio and Mitchell, but it was worth every moment. Since he was not around in March, Mitchell was making up lost hours by spending a lot of time at the clinic. That meant Paola didn’t have to be there every day. Yet, usually, if Mitchell was there, Paola was there too since they liked working together. Sergio had started putting in some hours, since his time at the NIH had come to an end, so it became a second home to all of them. Just like old times in med school. Though, the diner food would come to them instead. All of this time working in places where very little was taken for granted helped Mitchell learn to really put other people first and not work in a clinic to help those less fortunate just so he can feel better about himself. His life philosophy was changing and so was he. It was his 35th birthday and instead of taking the day off, he wanted to come to work. Now, the day was turning into night and he was ready to go home to his wonderfully ive husband that he still couldn’t believe was married to him. “Are you sure you don’t want to have dinner or something?” Sergio walked over to the front desk where Mitchell was sitting typing up his notes on the last patient he saw. He was watching the front desk since Tim, the intake nurse had gone home. “Yeah. I’m looking forward to a quiet night at home. Plus, you go. Enjoy time with Havi.” Seeing Sergio smile again was one of the best things this past year had brought them. He knew Havi was a big part of that. “If you’re sure. He’s going to be here in a few. We’re taking the dogs to this new gastropub with outside seating. It looks really good. Are you sure you don’t want to come? Nate could meet us all there?”

“I appreciate that. But I’d rather celebrate my birthday alone with Nate.” A cheeky smile implied more than dinner. “If you know what I mean.” “I do. And I understand.” It was still strange to get used to Mitchell’s new persona where he talked about his personal life at work, but Sergio appreciated the comment. With that, Gracie ran to the front door with a wagging tail. “That must be Havi’s Jeep.” “She knows his car?” “Yep. I think she can hear it a mile away. Is Brady here Gracie?” Her big smile was a clue. When the front door opened, Gracie was already pushing through the space until their noses could touch. Once Havi was able to walk in, both dogs were running around. Although they knew not to run around in the office, they were excited to see each other and couldn’t help it. “Hey. Sorry. Brady, come here.” The dogs quieted down a little as they sniffed and nuzzled instead. “It’s okay.” Mitchell stood up. “Hey Havi. How you doing?” He would have given Havi a hug, but there was a counter in the way. “I’m good. Sergio said it’s your birthday. Happy Birthday. Any plans?” Walking over, Havi, got the dogs to calm down a little and sit by the counter. “I have some plans with Nate later that I am looking forward to. This new pub sounds fun. You guys finding a lot of dog friendly places?” “Yeah. It’s more relaxed when they don’t have to wear their vests.” With a smile, he walked over at Sergio and gave him a kiss. “Bonjour beau. Êtes-vous prêt à aller?” “Je suis.” Taking Havi’s hand, Sergio kissed him back. “Allons-y.” Even though they were all ready to go, he appreciated Mitchell’s in all of this. With his sexy French accent, Sergio said, “Bonsoir Mitchell.” “Bonsoir.” Replying back in French, Mitchell smiled as he watched Sergio and Havi kiss. He didn’t have to speak French to know Havi just referred to Sergio as beautiful. That they spoke to each other in French was beautiful enough. They

were really cute together. After saying goodbye to him and walk outside, dogs in tow, he watched them kiss again before getting into the car. Sergio seemed happier and more relaxed than he had in a long time. It was nice to see. Looking down, there was a text from Nate. While he was reading the text and replying to it, Paola had come into the front area. “Why do you keep checking your phone?” Paola laughed at Mitchell’s obsession of the evening. “Looking at the time?” “No, I just sent Nate a text telling him what I want to do when I get home. Or more, what I want to do to him when I get home.” “Oh my god, you guys. Jesus. Do you ever talk to each other?” “I just said I texted him.” Big smile. “Ha ha. Anyway, there is a kid in room 2 that seems like he’d rather have a male doctor and Sergio just left, yes? Can you go see him?” “Yeah. Of course.” Reading Nate’s reply with a smile. After this last trip to India, Nate was more comfortable with what started as suggestive texts. Lately, they had become more explicit. He took the file to review before saying, “What’s the story?” After Paola gave him a summary, he walked back into the room to chat with this young man. He listened to his story and his fears about the fact that he might be gay. Mitchell could relate to a lot of aspects of his struggle. How to tell his parents? If he was going to tell them at all. After talking to the kid and reassuring him that he wasn’t alone and could come by at any time, Mitchell offered him a hug and wrote down some references for in the area. There were people around to help him talk to his parents, and as much as Mitchell knew what to suggest, sometimes it meant more to hear from peers. Walking back to his office, he read another text from Nate. The adult language in the texts going back and forth were enough to make him gasp. Plus, it was his birthday. “I have to go Paola. You good here?” With a laugh, “Yes. I’ll be fine. It’s about time to close up anyway. We got it.” The staff at the clinic was better than great. Maybe not her ER team in London, but great. They could see the rest of the patients and head out soon too. She had

a date with Radha, dinner and a movie. “Let me help you finish up with the paperwork, and then I’ll head home.” It meant a little delay on the plans, but it would be okay. Texting Nate to tell him he was a little delayed, he knew Nate would understand. Once they were finished with the paperwork, Mitchell said goodnight to everyone and drove home quickly but carefully. After parking the car, he saw that only the upstairs lights were on. Unlocking the front door, the house was quiet. It had been a little longer than he had planned, but for a good reason. He tried not to trip on the stairs as he took off his clothes while taking two at a time. Walking through their bedroom doorway, hoping to find Nate naked on the bed, he stopped to see a different surprise. Nate lifted his finger to say ‘sssh’ and pointed down to a sleeping Seth curled up in his arm. Mitchell leaned up against the doorjamb with a smile. Nate and Seth looked so adorable together, though now his plans were thwarted. He slowly walked to their bed and sat down next to Nate’s legs. Whispering, “I guess those texts were wishful thinking.” “Yeah, I was trying to text while we were watching TV. Then, he fell asleep in here and I didn’t want to wake him. He’s with us this weekend. I wasn’t sure if you ed.” He had forgotten that April was going out of town with some friends for the weekend. She too needed some time to recharge and take a breath after everything that happened. “Right. I did. Did you two have a good evening?” Putting his hands on the sheets that covered Nate’s legs. That was probably the closest his hands would get tonight. “We did. How was the clinic today?” Nate was still holding Seth as if he was afraid someone would take him away. “It was okay. Busy, but that’s good.” Smiling, he had to be okay with it all. “I should probably go take a shower.” “I’m sorry I can’t you.” Potentially, Nate could have put Seth in his own room and ed Mitchell, but with everything they just lived through, he didn’t

want to let go of his son. He couldn’t explain why, the fear would sneak up on him and he’d feel it all over again. Even if they won, he was still afraid for Seth’s future. Mitchell was trying to be more accepting of the idea that Seth would always come first. He knew it was part of why he loved Nate, but tonight he wished it wasn’t true. “I know hon.” Leaning over, he kissed Nate. “Tomorrow he has art class in the afternoon if you’re free. We could celebrate your birthday appropriately. Like we did this morning.” “I appreciate it Nate. Let’s see what happens tomorrow.” Mitchell brushed the curls away from Seth’s eyes. Seth was so sweet and he could see how much Nate needed him there. “I’ll be back in a few and we can all curl up.” Reaching up to Mitchell’s face, Nate knew Mitchell was disappointed in their night, but Seth came first. Caressing his cheek, Nate whispered, “Thanks for understanding.” Putting his hand on Nate’s, he kissed Nate’s palm and said, “Of course. I’ll be back soon.” Walking into the bathroom, Mitchell sat down with a deep breath. Here, he had started thinking about the idea of them having a kid of their own again. But if they did, what time would they have for each other? Walking into the shower, he thought about how to balance their time. Since part of the custody agreement meant they had more nights with Seth, they had fewer nights alone together. Maybe they needed some kind of agreement too. Should they come up with some a rule about how many nights Seth sleeps in their bed or something? As he finished his shower, he decided to talk to Nate about this. He’d recommend that they put Seth to bed first. As he walked into their bedroom, he mustered up the strength to ask Nate to put Seth in his own bed so they could talk. Looking in the room, however, he stopped and smiled as Nate had fallen asleep with Seth in his arms. How could he ask Nate to move Seth? After everything that just happened? They were so sweet together and it was important to Nate that he be as ive of Seth as he can. Maybe when Seth was older they could figure out some rules on when Seth stayed in their bed, but not now. Especially after talking to a kid at the clinic who didn’t have ive family . Seth needed that too.

Pulling the sheets down, Mitchell tried to get into bed quietly. Moving his legs under the covers, he slid over a little as he grabbed his book. Then, a little hand reached over to his arm with a tap. Looking down, a pair of big brown eyes were looking up at him. “Do you need something Seth?” “May I have a kiss goodnight?” “Of course, little one.” Leaning down, he kissed Seth on the forehead. “Did you and your dad have a good night?” “Yes. Do we get to hang out with you tomorrow? I wanted to give you a birthday present.” “You do? That is very sweet of you. You didn’t have to get me anything.” “I know, but I wanted you to know I love you.” He reached out for a hug. Hugging Seth back, Mitchell knew this was the right decision. “Thank you. I love you too.” Looking up at Mitchell, Seth seemed very awake all of a sudden. “May I call you ‘Tad’? It means dad in Welsh and your last name is Welsh.” “Oh, sure Seth.” Whatever Seth decided was usually what happened, which was fine. Just like his dad. “Good because Uncle Mitchell is too long and I already put Tad on your card.” “You did?” “Yeah, Mommy and Daddy said it was okay, but that I should ask you. I’m glad you said yes.” Guess he was Seth’s other dad now. “I’m happy you think of me that way.” “I do. You are my bonus dad. Plus, I trust you ever since that day we talked about how Mommy and Daddy talk about stuff when they think I’m asleep. I’m glad I could talk to you about that. I’m glad I talked to you about Gordon leaving too. I didn’t like seeing Mommy upset. Maybe someday she’ll meet a nice person like you.”

“Thanks Seth. That is very nice. I hope she does too. We should come up with questions for the next person she brings home.” Once he said it, he knew Seth was starting to think of questions. “Let’s talk to Daddy about that tomorrow though. We should involve him too.” “That’s probably true.” With a yawn, Seth continued. “Okay. I’m going back to sleep. Good night.” His hand reached over to Mitchell’s arm. Maybe it was okay that he slept in their bed sometimes. It was something to get used to, but what better reason is there?

A few weeks later, Mitchell was sitting at their breakfast bar, working on some plans for an addition to Seth’s tree house. He heard Nate’s car pull into the garage, but the door had yet to open. Slowly, it opened halfway. “Hey Mitch?” Halfway in and halfway out, Nate was leaning forward. “Yeah Nate?” Mitchell walked into the family room since that’s where the garage door opened into. “Why are you standing in the doorway?” “Okay. I know we said we’d talk about every decision and decide together. But I also know you were interested in us having another child…” “Did you bring home a baby?” Laughing, Mitchell knew that wasn’t it, but what was Nate hiding? “Well, of sorts.” Nate opened the door all the way and in came a little beagle puppy. “A puppy? Where did you get him? Or her.” “Without saying too much that would be weird, he was born at work. He doesn’t glow or have a weird disease or anything like that. He was going to be a research subject, but the project ended. Now they are trying to find all the dogs’ homes. Can we keep him?” “Ah. I guess so? I can’t imagine what his life has been like so far. I think it would be nice to give him a happy home.”

“I thought we could name him Porthos.” Nate didn’t have to explain that Porthos was the name of Captain Archer’s beagle on Star Trek Enterprise. “Or, we could name him after another Musketeer?” “No, I like it.” Mitchell knelt down a little closer. “Hi Porthos. Do you want to live with us?” Porthos walked over sheepishly, then sniffed Mitchell’s hand. With a look, he started to lick Mitchell’s fingers and then licked his face. “How are you going to tell April?” “I left her a message about bringing him home. We’d talked about it a little the other day at work when the memo went out about the dogs. However, I hadn’t told her I was picking him up today.” “I’ll overlook the fact that you talked to April about this idea a few days ago and didn’t talk to me about bringing home a dog, for the moment. I don’t want to argue in front of Porthos. What did she say about Seth and a dog?” “I think she knows that he’s going to want Porthos to sleep with him all the time. So, I told her I would talk to Seth first before he met him.” Porthos was still licking Mitchell. It was getting to the point where Mitchell was going to have to sit down. “What about food and stuff?” “Well, I have the food they were feeding him at the NIH in the car. I thought we could take him shopping later. Truth is, he’s never been outside the labs, so he’s not that used to all this stimulus.” “Poor guy. Should we ease you into life outside the cell?” “I think that would be a good idea.” By now Nate had sat down on the floor next to Mitchell and Porthos. He was scratching behind his ear. “So, yes?” “Yeah. I think that he’s a great addition to our home. He can be in the Christmas card.” “Should we show him the yard? Or do you think that’s too much?” “Maybe we show him where to pee?” Scratching Porthos’ head, this was

probably a good compromise. Mitchell wasn’t ready for another human child in the house. “He really lived in a cage?” “Yeah, but now he’s with us.” Smiling, it was good to see Mitchell happy. Nate thought of this as a ‘thank you’ of sorts too. He was so ive of him through the whole thing. Nate knew how lucky he was to have Mitchell in his life. “Too bad we can’t take all of them.” “Seth would love that.” “What do you call a group of beagles? Is it a herd?” “Or a mob like kangaroos?” “A pride of beagles.” “I like that.” “Maybe we could convince April to bring one home too so Porthos will have a friend?” They leaned closer to each other to kiss, which led to Porthos licking their faces. Laughing together, their home had one more heart.

25

Bethesda, Maryland August 2014

A little over a year had ed since the night Sergio and Havi shared their scars and more. They continued to spend time together doing things like biking, hiking, playing with the dogs. Havi even got Sergio to run. One day, a soccer ball showed up in the yard and the temptation was too great. There was a wonderful, comionate, beautiful man with his foot on the ball looking at Sergio with a smile. How could he not just it back and forth? A little footwork practice. If Havi could do it with a fake foot, what was his excuse? That led to more practice, more ing and moving the game to a larger field. Eventually, Havi got Sergio to a pickup game with some vet friends of his. It was good to have a new group of friends to play with and the of someone who understood why it was hard. On the anniversary of the accident the previous year, Sergio told his friends that he wanted to have dinner and talk about what happened. Sergio was still renting the house that Ryan bought with the t yard, so he invited them over for dinner. After dinner, they sat by the fire in Mitchell and Nate’s backyard with some wine, talking about what had happened. Feeling like he needed to share more, Sergio explained to them how hard that time had been for him because he knew they saw him dying. He told them about feeling responsible for all of their marriages ending, even if he subconsciously knew it wasn’t true. All their lives changed drastically that day and it was hard for him to let it go. It was good to be more open about it and talk it out together. They shared their feelings about the events of the night and what followed. It ended with tears and hugs and Paola staying in the spare bedroom. Then, they could have breakfast in the morning. It was a good night. They decided to make it a yearly event. There was a mutual respect for time apart along with time together between Havi and Sergio. Some days they needed to be with other friends or by themselves and that was appreciated. When they did spend the night together, they would decide on which house by how much time they wanted to spend with other people. If

they felt like being social, they would stay at Ryan’s house. If they wanted to be alone, hanging out outside, they would stay at Havi’s. This particular weekend, they wanted to spend time just the two of them, so they were at Havi’s. Summers are warm during the day, so they were up early to enjoy the yard before the heat set in. Cooking shirtless in the kitchen, Havi was humming away. It was a pleasure to cook for someone else, especially after such a great morning. The door was still open so the dogs could hang out in the backyard, which meant it was a little chilly. To keep warm, Sergio had gone back to the bedroom to grab a sweatshirt. Even with music on, Havi could hear Sergio’s phone vibrate as someone was calling. Yelling to the bedroom, “Hey Serge. Your phone is buzzing.” “Say again?” Sergio came walking back into the kitchen pulling the sweatshirt over his head. Smiling, Havi loved Sergio’s accent and was glad he wasn’t losing it. “I said your phone is buzzing.” “Oh. How can you hear that?” It was another SEAL thing, Havi could hear the slightest noise from very far away. Just like reading lips, had a crazy sense of direction and could see in dim light. “Let me see if it’s important.” Looking down at the phone, he stopped for a minute. “Who was it?” Moving the vegetables in the skillet with a spatula, he had turned to look at Sergio since he had yet to say anything. Flipping his hair as he looked up at Havi with a look of confusion, then the phone stopped ringing. “It was Akemi.” “Oh.” There was a sexiness in the way Sergio would flip his hair. It was more than Havi could handle sometimes. But, this situation was slightly confusing. Honesty was always the best. “Are you going to call him back, or listen to the message?” “Ah. I don’t know. I guess I should wait to see if there is a message?” His phone beeped indicating a text which read ‘Hey. Can you give me a call when you have a chance? Thanks love.’ He stared at the phone for a moment.

“Something wrong?” Plating the food, Havi moved to the table. Looking up at Havi who had so graciously made him breakfast, he wasn’t sure where to take this. “Thank you.” Considering sitting down and eating, or calling back, he looked at his phone some more. “He just texted me asking me to call him. I’m just not sure I should call right now.” “Because you are here, with me? Or something else?” He put the coffee carafe on the table, then grabbed two mugs. “I don’t mind if you call him back.” “Are you sure?” “Yeah, go ahead. Emergency or not, it must be important. It’s probably quieter in the bedroom if you want some privacy.” He pronounced ‘privacy’ with a British accent. Smiling, he realized Sergio wasn’t laughing at his accent and word choice like usual. “If that’s not too weird.” Clearly, Sergio thought it was weird enough to call his ex from Havi’s house. Especially in the room with the bed they shared. “Um. Yeah. Sorry. Let me go call him.” With a look of concern, Sergio started to walk back into the bedroom. “Are you really okay with this?” Walking over to Sergio, he kissed him on the cheek and then said, “Yep. I’d rather you find out why he’s calling.” “Okay.” Sergio shook his head. He didn’t really know what to say. “I’ll keep the food warm.” As he moved to turn on the oven, the dogs came into the kitchen from the yard. “What are you two up to? Gracie, Sergio might need you. He’s in the bedroom.” Pointing down the hall, she followed the instructions and trotted down to see if Sergio needed anything. Emotional maybe? After a few minutes, Gracie came back into the kitchen. Havi was reading the paper at the table and Brady was resting on the couch. Once Gracie knew Sergio was okay, she ran and jumped up next to Brady, curling up to take a nap. They had a tiring morning playing in the yard. As Sergio walked back into the kitchen, Havi said, “Everything okay?” Folding up the paper, he placed it on the table and smiled at Sergio.

“Yeah.” A little distracted still, he moved to sit down. “Everything is okay.” “It doesn’t seem like everything is okay. Will you tell me what’s going on?” “ how I told you Ryan’s play opens in a few weeks?” With a nod and ‘a-ha’ from Havi, he kept going, “Well, ‘kem is coming to the opening and he wanted to know if I was going to be there because he would like to see me.” “That sounds like a good idea.” “It does?” It didn’t seem like a good idea to him. He hadn’t really talked to Akemi at all for over a year now. His hand was on the back of the chair, still standing. “Why?” “You could talk to him about what you’ve learned over the past year. About the accident, Boston and all that stuff. Kind of like when you talked to your friends about it. It sounded like you didn’t get a chance to talk to him last time you saw him. Maybe now would be a better time?” “I don’t know.” Sitting down, he poured himself some coffee and poured some in Havi’s mug as well. “You think it’s a good idea, yeah?” Pulling the plates out of the oven where they were keeping warm, he put them on the table and smiled. “What are you worried about?” It seemed so sweet that Havi wanted to wait for him before he sat down to eat. The way he took care of him was amazing. Sergio always felt like he could be honest with Havi. He didn’t have to worry about how he phrased things or if a topic would be avoided. Havi thought talking was the most important part, even if it wasn’t the most fun. “What if he wants to try to reconcile or something?” “Is that what he said?” Settling back in his chair, he took a sip of his coffee. “No.” Anxiously fiddling with his mug, Sergio continued, “But, what if he does?” “Why do you think that?” “Well, when we split up, he wanted us to take a break. I’m the one that said we should break up.”

“Oh.” Havi never really asked more than the basic ‘why’ to which the answer was ‘he couldn’t deal with the accident’. He never thought to ask who split up with whom. “Do you wish you had just taken a break?” “No. I think it was the right thing to do. Not just for obvious reasons.” Smiling, he hoped Havi knew how happy he was now. Even if it was making him a little nervous, Havi knew talking about it was the best plan. “Maybe you should talk to him to see what he has to say instead of assuming you know?” “Yeah. You’re right. I guess that’s as good a time as any. I could head up early the night of the play and meet him for lunch or something.” It would be better if they met during the day, with other people around and without cocktails. Impaired judgement wouldn’t help keep his clothes on. “Though, I was going to ask if you wanted to come with.” “That’s the weekend the boys are in town and we were going to go up to the cabin.” Whenever his old team was back, they were sure to spend time together and include Havi. He might not be active military anymore, but he was still part of the team. “To be honest, I don’t really want to meet your ex just yet. Though, I would like to see the play. Maybe we can go a different night?” “I hear you. The thing is…” Sergio paused for a moment and looked Havi in the eye. “Before ‘kem, I never really dated anyone for an extended period of time. Even if we had an open thing for most of our time together, it was the first big relationship for me.” “Oh. Okay.” Havi hadn’t really thought about how many relationships he’d had. He knew Sergio had been out since he was a teenager and had been the ‘promiscuous’ friend before. It seemed likely that he would have had at least one other relationship, but he also knew about the struggles he had because of his father. “As you know already, I’ve ‘known’ a lot of people, but none of those turned into anything long term. Maybe a few months here and there, then I’d find someone else to fancy.” “Do you feel like talking about why you think that is or do you want to talk about your relationship with Akemi?” Havi sipped his coffee slowly. Wanting to

be ive, he listened. Wanting to feel more secure in their relationship, he hoped Sergio would say something to help calm his anxiety, but he wasn’t sure what that was. He knew Sergio was being as honest with him as he could be. “I know that part of my lack of settling down was stuff with my dad, but it was also a lot of fun.” Sergio took a bite of his food, delicious as always. “But, with ‘kem, I felt closer to him than anyone else I had been involved with. He helped me with my fears of being that close to someone and living with someone else. I learned a lot from our time together. We had a pretty intense connection.” He sighed a little. He wasn’t sure where he was going with what he was saying. Looking at Havi, he could see the fear in his eyes. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to worry you or anything.” “I’m glad you can talk to me about this. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t make me feel I little insecure about the whole thing.” Reaching across the table, Sergio held Havi’s hand. “Regardless of what I had with him, I am glad I moved to the States and that Radha made me go to Walter Reed. I just wanted you to know that I’m nervous to see to him again.” “Well, now I’m nervous too.” Leaning on the table, “But, I still think it’s a good idea. I just hope that you tell me what happens, even if it’s difficult.” “I promise.” Sergio stood up a little so he could kiss Havi. “Are you sure you don’t want to come?” “Yeah. I’m not ready for that yet. Plus, I think I’d also rather be somewhere without cell service so it isn’t that you haven’t called me, but that you can’t.” “I don’t want to take time away from you and the boys either.” Sergio knew that time with the team was very important to Havi. The cabin was a great place to escape the stresses of the world and his old team had plenty of work stress to let go. “Maybe we could figure out when we could get out of town or something?” “We don’t have to stop talking about this. I’d rather we keep talking about why you’re nervous. That’s what will help me feel better about it all.” One of the things Sergio realized he loved about Havi was that he wouldn’t let him avoid subjects. Even if it was difficult. They sat and ate their food, talking about why it was a challenge to talk to Akemi and what Sergio had learned from

their time together. It was going to be Halloween soon, their anniversary as well as Sergio’s favorite holiday. Was that part of why Akemi wanted to talk? Although they had a ceremony with rings and everything, they had never signed any paperwork. So, they weren’t legally ed together. There was no paperwork to split. It was just packing up, moving out, moving to America. Maybe it was just trying to bring closure for both of them? As difficult as it was for Sergio to say and Havi to hear, it helped them understand each other more than before. It brought them closer together and, potentially, more secure in what they had. Switching the way his hands were holding Sergio’s, Havi put both his hand on top. “Promise me one thing.” “Of course.” The mischievous eye sparkle was more of a sympathetic one. Looking Sergio directly in the eyes, he said, “If you do have sex with him, promise me that you will tell me and you will be safe.” Sergio wanted to tell him that it wouldn’t happen, that he wouldn’t succumb to the attraction that he knew was probably still there, but he couldn’t do that honestly. “I promise.”

26

Manhattan, New York October 2014

The build up to opening night was incredible. Ryan had sat back and watched the final rehearsals with amazement. The first act was previewed as his thesis when he finished his master’s program in the Spring. Now, the play was going to be performed at an off-Broadway theater. It was a story of struggle and finding one’s way in an overcrowded city. He used everyone as inspiration, but nobody in particular was a character. It was his play. His words, by himself. This is what he always wanted. It was also like putting your soul on display for everyone to judge. Marc was incredibly helpful and ive. Marc understood Ryan’s fear of putting this out for the world. To help, he providing advice if it was asked for, editing for continuity, things like that. But it was all Ryan’s work. Sharing the excitement, Derrick was incredibly proud of Ryan. He knew how hard it was to bare your soul this way. For people to see a part of you that you weren’t sure you wanted to share. Ryan had kept some of the material to himself, but Derrick had stopped by rehearsals to see the second half. Derrick’s career was also very busy, but they both made sure they had time to each other’s work. He in a new musical that was opening in 2015 at Joe’s Public Theater called Hamilton. The buzz about the musical was pretty big, but it was a little hush-hush so Derrick couldn’t talk about it too much. He let Ryan in on some aspects as they both read the book it was based on. It was hard to believe that this book was going to be a musical, but stranger things have happened. Luckily, Derrick was able to get the night off for Ryan’s premiere, since the writer was ive of everyone. There was a lot of negotiating for attending Ryan’s new play. Wanting to be sure everyone could come to see it meant that everyone had to pick different nights. Marc said there was no way he wanted to be there the same night as Nate and Mitchell. There was also a period of time where Marc didn’t want to go the same night as CJ, but then they seemed to work it out. Nate said they could come to whichever night was the best for Ryan, though he would have preferred opening

night. Now that Sergio was dating someone, so he couldn’t go the same night as Akemi because Akemi didn’t want to see them together. Akemi was also dating someone, but it wasn’t that serious and that guy wasn’t coming to New York with him. The other writers from the show wanted to come. Ryan considered that this meant he might have to see the play many times. Or he would meet up with people after the show or something. If only they could all be friends. As the lights started to dim, Ryan held Derrick’s hand with love. What if people didn’t like it? What if his friends and family didn’t like it? Surrounded by his team, he felt a lot better, but still nervous. Everyone was quiet as they watched the story unfold. It was riveting and a few times, if a line was particularly well-written, Marc leaned over and nodded at Ryan. At intermission, they all congratulated him. His parents talked about how proud they were and how exciting the evening had been so far. Holding Derrick’s hand the whole time, Ryan smiled. There was still another half to get through, then he would feel better. The curtain came down, the lights came up and as the actors came out for their bows, everyone stood. They pointed to the director in the booth, everyone applauded and turned to look up. The director pointed down along with the actors. It took a moment before Ryan realized they were pointing at him. He smiled, shyly and bowed blowing kisses to the actors and the director, then he covered his face. He was still easily embarrassed, so Derrick took his hands and kissed him. Incredible. Now to wait for the reviews. Hopefully, the critics would agree. For Akemi, it was very good to see everyone. He missed seeing them all in person, but he didn’t want to leave London and his family. There was a lot of emotion being friends with Ryan and Marc. As much as he appreciated Ryan’s , he didn’t want to talk about the accident all the time. In fact, that was the rule at Marc’s: No mention of exes or accidents or anything. They would see musicals and plays and go to museums. They didn’t talk about the books or the show either. One short conversation about the guy that was trying to exploit money from CJ with the photos from a few months back, but that was it. It wasn’t that interesting of a story to them anyway. It was all new stuff. That was good. Meeting up with Sergio was different. He needed to talk to him. They needed to talk about the future. They decided to meet at the café Ryan had told them about

with the good bread. It was a good place to sit and talk. Since it was midmorning, they could chat and decide about lunch. See how it goes. Watching Sergio walk up to the café with Gracie, Akemi couldn’t believe how much more confident he looked. It reminded him of the Sergio he met at that party so many years ago. Standing up, he smiled as Sergio walked over to the table. “Hello love.” “Hey ‘kem. How are you?” Before he could think about hugging or not, Akemi wrapped his arms around him and kissed him on the lips. There was ion there, energy between them. Pulling away was hard to do, but he didn’t want to have things to hide. “I’m doing alright.” He stood with his arms around Sergio. It was so nice to be with him again. Before sitting down, he asked, “Do you want to order a tea or something?” “I’m okay right now, maybe in a few.” Taken aback by the kiss. He didn’t know what to make of it. “Well, you are looking great. Are you going to Ryan’s show while you are up here?” “Tonight. Nate and Mitchell are coming up later. You?” “Last night. I wasn’t sure how this would go, so thought it would be better to see it first instead of an awkward two hours in a dark theater.” Last night had been the opening, Akemi had attended with Marc. “Okay. That’s not ominous.” “It was more my worry. The play is very good. Ryan seemed happy about the way it turned out. It was quite impressive. He’s a good writer. And that Derrick is an amazing guy.” “Yeah, he’s a good kid. They are a great pair. I’m glad things are going well for both of them.” Sergio was nervous and not sure what to say. “Have you enjoyed your holiday?” “Yes. Thank you. Marc has been a very gracious host. We’ve seen a lot of Manhattan. It has been a great trip and I’m very glad we were able to meet.”

Taking a sip of his tea, “But, I’ll get to my point.” “Okay.” Sergio was going to ask more questions about how things were going, but, to the point was good. “I know when we parted, you didn’t like the idea of us taking a break, but, I have kind of thought about it that way.” Seeing Sergio shift in his chair, Akemi could tell this was making him uncomfortable. “I need to be honest. I wanted to talk to you about coming back to London with me.” “Coming back to London.” “Yes. I’ve been thinking about this a lot. I quite enjoyed the situation we were in before our accident and I would like to have that again.” On the one hand, it was good that Akemi said ‘our’ accident, but on the other, Sergio wasn’t sure he wanted either of those things. “I’m not sure I understand what you are saying. Maybe I need that tea. You mind watching her?” Gracie was just smiling at them both, happy to see Akemi. “No problem.” He reached down to pet Gracie’s head. “Hi lady. How are you?” With no at all, Sergio walked up, ordered his tea, crossed his feet while leaning against the counter and waited a moment. Looking back to the table, Akemi was talking to Gracie as he scratched her ears. She was so happy to see him. He tossed his hair back a little as he fiddled with a spoon, unsure of what this all meant. Coming back to the table, Akemi smiled as he said, “You’re getting around amazingly. This is great.” “Yeah, it is. It’s been work, but good.” Sitting, he sipped his tea. “To what you are saying, you would like me to come back to London and go back to an open relationship with you?” “I’m saying that is what I would like. If you are interested. If you are not, I understand that too.” He sipped his tea. “I wanted to put it out there and see what you thought.” “Oh. Well, I wasn’t quite sure what you wanted to talk about, so I appreciate

your honesty.” “If they aren’t things you are interested in, I would still like to hear how you are. I just didn’t want to put off the question. Being farther from your brother must be difficult. You could see the kids more often if you were back in London.” “True.” Taking the tea bag out, he paused. “It would be nice to be closer to Francois and his family. But I’m not sure those are things that I want right now. It is very good to see you.” Civil, friendly, very British conversation. He had to laugh inside. “Let’s talk about how things are, then revisit the question later? Maybe the clinic?” Although in a way it seemed like the Akemi – ‘let’s just put off talking about tough things’ MO, he did want to hear about London, his sister’s baby, work, things like that. “It’s going well. It is fun to work together again. I’ve also been teaching a cardiology seminar at Georgetown, which has been good.” “Do you have students that flirt with you?” Of course, the answer would be ‘yes’, how could they not? “Some.” It was fun being the new, hot teacher on campus. “It has also been good to talk about cardiology. I’ve had to read up, which is a bonus. Lots of work, but good. And you? How is your family?” He wasn’t going to talk about what he had been doing in his free time. Not yet. “They are good. Want to see photos of the baby?” “I do.” They sat and talked about the baby while looking at the photos on Akemi’s phone. He told Sergio about the latest hospital funding issues and a few of the projects he had been working on. Akemi’s family missed Sergio, his sister wanted to send him photos of the baby, things like that. Some of Sergio’s football mates had asked how he was doing. The guys that owned the pub by their flat also asked. Akemi opened up about it being difficult to tell them that they had split, but that everyone hoped for the best. “I’m sorry ‘kem. I didn’t think about you being the one that would have to tell

everyone. I’m so sorry.” “It’s okay Serge. It was good for me to say it a few times. The more I said it, the more I missed you.” “’kem, I’m not sure….” “I know. I heard you are seeing someone.” “That’s not why I’m not sure, well, that’s not exactly why. I like living here and working at the clinic. I’m also working at Walter Reed sometimes, which I’ve found very rewarding and helpful. I’ve changed.” “I can tell.” He reached across the table to Sergio’s hand. “I wasn’t sure you’d agree to come, but I needed to ask. I know you aren’t one for staying friends and I don’t think I can be as close of friends as Nate and Ryan, but, I would like to know you are okay.” “I am ‘kem. I am. And you? I was worried about you last I saw you.” “I’m better. I’ve been working through some things and feel better now. I don’t blame myself anymore, but, it is still hard for me to talk about everything.” He started to tear up a little. “I know. Me too.” Tears were coming, he couldn’t stop it. “I wanted to reach out when I heard you were all in Boston during that awful bombing, but I didn’t know what to say.” The smile turned to a sympathetic grin. “I felt very guilty for leaving you to work on your things alone. I wish I could have ed you better.” “I could say the same thing. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what happened, especially after Boston. We all sat down and talked about what happened to me and at the marathon. It was good, difficult, but good.” How to talk about it with Akemi was more difficult. “Are you okay with talking about this?” “Yes. I would like to hear what you discussed with them.” “We talked about how I don’t a lot of what they saw. What you saw.”

He leaned his elbows on the table. “I would still see some of the things we saw that day in Boston, and those weren’t people I knew. So, I’m sure you couldn’t help but see what you saw with me, even months later. And, yet, I couldn’t deal with everyone trying to help because it was hard to believe I had basically died. More than once. I was about a week behind in my own storyline since I was in a coma.” The tears were more abundant now. Akemi couldn’t really say anything. “True. We had more time to talk amongst ourselves about what happened.” “It also meant you had to worry about if I would wake up. That couldn’t have been easy.” “It wasn’t. It isn’t. But it is good to see you now. Now I can have this image of you in my head.” “Even if I don’t think I can go back with you ‘kem, it doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate everything you did for me. Everything we had together. You are the one that got me out of that bed. That got me to work to walk at all. I am forever grateful for that, you know?” Sergio couldn’t stop the tears, nor could he stop reaching across the table to Akemi’s hand. “I still love you.” “I love you too. I know we can’t really be together now. I know our paths are different, but I wish they were still the same.” He dried his eyes. They could chat every once and a while maybe? “I don’t want to lose you as a friend.” “I would like to figure that out. I really miss talking to you about things.” Regardless of feeling heartbroken all over again, he asked, “Do you feel comfortable telling me about your personal life?” “I’m not sure how I feel about that.” Havi was part of his recovery story, but this seemed like too much. “I just want to know that someone is caring for you. Honestly, I want you to be happy Serge.” “You really want to know?” “Yeah, I do.” He smiled a little, trying to keep it together. “I want to know you

are okay.” Taking a deep breath, “I met him at Walter Reed. He’s former American military and lost his leg in Afghanistan.” “He can probably talk about things in a way I couldn’t. I can’t.” The look from Sergio led him to say, “I’m not putting myself down, I’m just being honest. I know I wasn’t honest with you before, but I couldn’t talk about it then. He probably understands things in a way that I can’t, that’s all I’m saying.” “Well, we do have things in common, which is how we became friends. We could talk about a lot of stuff that other people didn’t understand. He’s the one that got me to open up about what happened from my perspective.” “Anyone that got you to do anything must be pretty special.” Smiling, he hoped Sergio would smile too. With laugh, “Good point. In fact, he also encouraged me to meet with you to talk about what I’ve learned over the past year.” “Oh. So, he knows we are meeting?” “Yes. Not only does he know, but it was his suggestion we talk. Just us. That way we could discuss some of the things about our accident that we couldn’t before. That maybe it would help both of us heal. He’s dealt with a lot of trauma, his and other peoples. He thought it was important that I do this on my own. He wanted to give us space to talk about whatever we needed to and for me to have time after we talked to figure out what I needed now. For both of us. Meaning, you too.” “That’s pretty ive.” “It is. He is. We started as mates, talking about all this recovery stuff. It wasn’t something romantic for a while.” “Is he here?” “No. He’s up in the mountains with his old SEAL team.” “Oh.” Akemi got a look that included a tempting smile. Maybe if he wasn’t

here…. “Does he have a name?” “Yes.” With a smile. “Sorry, I didn’t say it before. He’s called Mahavir. Everyone calls him Havi.” “The greatest hero, huh? I can’t really compete with that one.” Akemi had the same interest in names as Sergio, so he knew some Hindi translations. “Don’t say it that way.” Sergio shook his head. “I’m glad you found him. I really am. I’m just joking with you. He already has a nickname, that’s convenient.” “True. Though, I tried different ones. They didn’t work as well.” Pausing for a moment, Sergio knew this must be hard to hear. “Thanks ‘kem. I appreciate that. What about you? I would like to think you are enjoying yourself?” “Yeah, I am. I’m not sure I’m ready to settle down again, but I’m doing okay.” He continued to tell Sergio about some of the guys he had met lately. Some of them Sergio had known too, which wasn’t really a surprise. They were good stories. After catching up on dating, they sat and talked about some of the more difficult topics. Tea turned into lunch, then tea again. They decided to stay in touch and try to be friends. Maybe meet for a drink after the show? Nate and Mitchell were coming up to see the show too, maybe they could all get together? It would help if there were more people there. If they were going to be friends, they had to start somewhere. Once they decided to part ways, Sergio headed back to the hotel. He decided not to stay with Ryan this time. Instead he got a room in the same hotel as Nate and Mitchell. He knew he couldn’t call Havi to tell him what happened because Havi was in the woods shooting at cans and playing poker with his old team. Getting to the hotel room, he sat down to think about what just happened. A quick text to Mitchell would let him know if he was in the building. Gracie took her place at the end of the bed, putting her head out straight and looking at him with comion. “Thanks lady. I know that was hard for you too.”

A few minutes later, there was a knock on his room door. “Coming.” He opened the door to find Mitchell with a brown bag and two milkshakes. “Hey. I got Paola on the phone and fries in the bag. I know it’s not the same as our old diner, but this was the best I could do.” When they all lived in London, they would spend hours in a little diner by the hospital. It was an American, 50’s diner similar to the one the doctors would go to on the show ER. Over milkshakes and fries, they had talked out their issues at work and in their heads. Bringing the diner to him was one-way Mitchell and Paola could show Sergio they were there for him. Always. Sergio just looked at him and smiled. As he took his shake. “Thank you.” “There’s a Shake Shack around the corner.” Mitchell smiled as he kissed Sergio on the cheek while he walked past him into the room. “There seems to be a lot of those around here.” After a sip of his shake, he asked. “Where’s Nate?” Rolling his eyes, Mitchell replied hesitantly, “He’s off with Ryan somewhere. I don’t know.” Shaking his head. “They had plans before the show tonight.” “Without you? Should we talk about that?” Watching Mitchell, he could see how uncomfortable Nate and Ryan’s closeness could be to Mitchell. “You don’t seem happy about it.” “No. That’s boring. And stupid of me. We are here to talk about you.” He put the bag down on the ground by the window. “Look. Paola is on via Facetime, so she can see us.” “Hey Serge. How is New York?” Paola could see the stress in Sergio’s eyes. She wished she could be there in person to give him a hug. “It’s okay. You?” Sergio sat down at the table too. “Good. I’m good. How did it go with Akemi? Are you okay?” This was the next best thing. She didn’t want to just be on speakerphone. She needed to see him and know he was okay. “Yeah, I guess. It was good to see him. He’s doing better.”

He filled Paola and Mitchell in on their conversation as they asked him questions and shared . He told them about the invitation to go back to London and pick up where they left. The temptation to go was there, it was harder to say no than he thought it would be. There was a lot of emotion and attraction between them. It was a lot to take in and sort through. Mitchell talked about understanding being torn. He knew about that one firsthand. “Do you feel better?” Mitchell and Paola wanted to be sure he knew they were there for him. “Yeah. Thank you for listening.” “Of course, Serge. I’m glad you got to talk to each other. Do you think you’ll chat more often now?” “I think we can be friends.” Looking at Mitchell he continued, “He mentioned it would be nice to see you two. Maybe we can all get together after the show?” “I’d like that and I’m sure it will make Ryan super happy.” Mitchell also knew what it was like to have your boyfriend be extremely close to his ex and try to be okay with it. “Ryan would love it if we were all friends and vacationed together.” “Have you talked to Havi?” “No. He’s up at the cabin with his old team. He was really ive of us meeting and talking.” “He seems pretty cool with this kind of stuff.” Mitchell could see Sergio’s head spinning. “He is.” Putting his head down, Sergio had to tell them the whole thing. “I don’t know.” “What is it Serge? I can hear it in your voice.” “Havi only asked that….” He took a deep breath before finishing. “That if I have sex with ‘kem, that I tell him and am careful.” “Do you think that means he’d be okay with it if you do?” Still intrigued by the open-relationship idea, Mitchell wasn’t sure any other way to ask.

“I know he wouldn’t be. But, I also know he knows it might happen.” “Do you want me to be sure it doesn’t tonight?” “Maybe. I really don’t know.”

27

Blue Ridge Mountains, Virginia October 2014

Outside the two-bedroom cabin in the Blue Ridge Mountains, cans were set up along a fence. Cans were also set up on rocks about 50 feet farther away. From the porch, Havi set up his rifle. On the other side of the porch, Rick set up his. They both stood behind them with big smiles. They had already spent hours fishing on the pier (well, sitting on the pier drinking beer pretending to fish). Hiking in the woods (meandering around talking shit about the other SEAL teams). Now they were back to the cabin where they met up once a year for “team-building” exercises. They had all bought the cabin together many years ago and although Havi could no longer serve, he was still a member of the team. Sam, their team leader, stood between them. His booming voice reached out to the trees. “Okay. Rules are the same. I count from three and who ever hits all six targets first wins.” “$50 bucks says Havi can still beat him.” Jerry whispered to Hank as they stood along the side. “I’m not taking a bet that I know I’ll lose. He’s still the best shot of all of us.” Hank laughed and took a sip of his beer. “I wish he’d been with us last month.” “Yeah, me too.” They all missed Havi, but he couldn’t serve with his injury. “You two ready?” Sam looked at both of them for the okay. “Yep.” They laughed at each other. “This the year Rick?” Hank yelled up to Rick. They all knew Havi would win. “Absolutely.” Even if he was becoming a better shot, Havi still had Rick on speed.

“Count down from 3.” Sam watched them both. “3 – 2 – 1. Go.” In an instant, they were both at their rifles and just as quickly Havi had all his cans shot down. “Damn it.” Rick lost again. “You were faster this time brother.” Havi turned to smile. There was a point where he thought maybe Rick was letting him win. But, with each year, Rick got faster. “Still not fast enough.” Rick smiled back at Havi. “You really suck man. I can’t believe you can still beat me.” “I’ve heard he does that pretty well too.” Hank laughed as he said it. They all knew Havi was gay. Knew he’d been single for many years. They knew that had changed recently. They met Sergio, had accepted him as part of the family, but told him he’d better treat Havi right or else. And, Sergio knew they meant it. “You wish you knew firsthand Hank. it it.” Jerry would always stand up for Havi. It was joking around and Havi knew it. He knew Hank was just giving him a hard time. “Wanna play next Hank?” “Nah man. I can it you’re a better shot than any of us shitheads. You always will be Hav.” “Okay kids. Let’s play nice.” Where other team leaders might have used words like sissies or ladies or something insulting to women or gay men, Sam wasn’t that type of guy even before Havi came out to him. “Come on. It’s getting late. We should eat dinner.” Jerry was also good at keeping them on their schedule. Plus, he was hungry. “Yes.” Rick walked over to Havi and shook his hand. “You’re still the best Hav. Somehow, even with a fake leg, you have better balance and aim than I do.”

“Let’s work on it tomorrow.” We’ll set the cans up and practice.” “Do you have to be cool about it too? Let me walk away with some dignity left. And, let’s see who wins at Assassin’s Creed.” Rick was better at one. They’d be playing for hours into the night. “That’s a deal.” Havi missed the guys more than even he acknowledged. They were a family. A family that he worried about when he couldn’t help protect them. After they cooked the food they brought up and the one fish they caught, it was time for their annual poker game. The green felt was on the table, the chips were counted and cigars were lit. Sam had decided to sit this one out and was stretched out on the couch. He was flipping through an old magazine, his feet on the armrest, petting Brady’s head. Getting the band back together was great and it more fun to watch them play. Once the first hand was dealt, the real talking began. “So, Havi. What’s on your mind brother?” Rick was looking at his cards, moving them around. “What do you mean?” His cards moved around too. They looked at each other. Hank took a sip of his beer before saying, “It’s gotta be something. Rick’s never gotten that close before. What’s distracting you?” Jerry had been watching Havi all day. There was something going on, he could see it. They had all spent so much time together they could almost read each other’s minds. Jerry was his best friend in the unit. He was the guy who carried him to the jeep and saved his life. Saved his life more than once and vice versa. Not saying anything, he smiled at Havi with a tilt of his head as he tossed his chips into the middle of the table. “2 bucks.” Once Havi’s eye met Jerry’s, he knew he couldn’t hide it. “It’s Sergio. We’re having some problems. In a way. Kinda. I don’t know.” He threw his chips in too. “I raise you 2.” “I’m all for hearing what’s going on, unless it’s about your sex life man.” Hank lit is cigar, then threw in his chips. “I don’t want to hear those details.”

“Hey. I walked in on you and those girls in Marrakesh.” Havi took a puff on his cigar. “You don’t get to judge me after that.” “Yeah, I guess you have a point.” Laughing Hank sorted his cards again. They had all seen each other in some strange situations. “And don’t get me started about that time in Bangkok.” “Okay. Man. I get it. You’re right. I’m a dirty old man.” “Not arguing with that.” Rick laughed as he put down his cards. “I fold.” “Thank you.” Havi said as he laughed while Jerry raised with a nod. “Anyway Havi. You were saying.” Hank folded too. “I don’t really want to talk about it.” He knew it would get to him and Jerry. “If you win, you don’t have to. I win, you talk.” Jerry smiled as he put his cards close to his chest. “Do I have a choice?” Looking Jerry in the eye, Havi gave him a glare. Not that he meant it. “Not really.” They put their cards on the table and Jerry’s hand was much better than Havi’s. “Shit.” “Ha! You have to share brother.” Rick leaned back in his chair. They had all helped him through a tough time with his wife. It was only fair that he could help Havi out too. “Come on. Let us help you out for a change.” “You know the rules Havi.” Sam was still on the couch but was happy to mediate and keep everyone in line. “Ah. Man. Okay.” Havi took a sip of his tea and another puff before answering them completely. “Sergio is in New York this weekend for his friend’s play opening.” That didn’t sound so bad, so they all just waited.

“His ex is going to be there. So he’s going to meet up with him. To talk about stuff.” “You let him go alone? Why didn’t you stop him? That doesn’t seem smart from what you told us last year about the type of relationship they had.” Keeping track of everyone was part of Rick’s role. It meant keeping track of stories too. “It was my idea.” Havi had a guilty look on his face. “What?! Why? What were you thinking?” They were talking at the same time. “Okay. Okay. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Like he could get some closure. There’s stuff about their accident that they never really addressed. It seemed like he could do that now. We all know that’s a plus. Right?” Sam gave a small smile from the couch, just listening. “You know Hav. You might be the best shot, but you make some strange choices.” Respect was something Hank had for Havi in droves. “Why would you suggest your boyfriend go see his ex in one of the most electric, lively cities in the world when you know they had a super sexual relationship? The city that never sleeps alone.” “I’m glad you were listening, to a degree. I kinda wish you hadn’t ed that part.” He was so glad to be back with his boys. He couldn’t really talk to other people about this. “And you added the ‘alone’-part.” Laughing, he knew he had good friends here. “It will be okay, right?” Dealing the next round, if they kept playing, Havi would talk more and he clearly needed to talk more. After explaining the new rules, Rick continued, “And, that depends. What do you mean by okay?” “Can I tell you guys something else?” Shuffling his cards, he had to tell them the rest. “Of course. Yeah.” They were all there to each other. “I asked him to promise me that if they do have sex, to tell me and to be safe.” “What?! Dude man. In what world does that make sense? Really?”

“Hank. Thanks for the .” Havi turned to Hank with a shake of this head. “You don’t understand the ways of my people.” “I’m trying to look out for you, man. But that makes it sounds like you condone him having sex with his ex.” Hank had a similar, Scorpio view of life. Why limit yourself? “And seriously? All gay guys can’t be into open relationships. Are they? Because if that’s true maybe I should give it a try…” Shaking his head at Hank, he got an eye roll with a smile in return. He knew they all wanted him to be happy. “I know what it sounds like and I appreciate your ive gesture. It just seemed like the right idea at the time. But, I really hope he doesn’t. I think he knows it would hurt if he did.” He did make it sound like he would understand if they had sex, but he didn’t, and he didn’t want Sergio to. “Now I kinda wish I hadn’t said that.” “I don’t know, brother. I really don’t know.” Rick was shaking his head. He was hoping Havi had finally found a man that understood him and that they would live happily ever after. Maybe Sergio wasn’t that guy? “Jerry. You’re being quiet. What’s your opinion?” Rick traded some cards with his questions. “Well, Havi. Is it that you don’t trust him not to do things that will hurt?” Jerry finally said something. “I don’t know if I do.” “That’s seems like the real problem.” Jerry sipped his beer. “We can’t really control other people, can we?” They continued to talk and laugh and share their own stories of decisions they weren’t sure were good ones. It was nice to be with his friends again. They were good . After a while, they were done with poker and it was on to video games. There might not be cell service or internet, but there was an X-box. Havi and Rick were up first, Rick had to redeem himself after losing shooting a real gun. Once Havi lost, Hank was up next to also lose to Rick. Everyone took turns losing to Rick, even Sam. It was fun and relaxing and helped Havi keep his mind off whatever was happening in Manhattan. Sitting on the porch of the cabin, Havi looked out to the open space. The forest was beautiful, and the night sky was amazingly clear. For the moment, it was quiet. The guys were still playing inside, he could hear them laughing. It was

great to be back with them. He appreciated that he was still part of the team, even if he wasn’t active military. He took a drag off his cigarette and slowly exhaled. The door opened as Jerry walked out “Hey brother. Here you are. You mind?” “Not at all.” Motioning for Jerry to sit next to him. “Have a seat.” Jerry took the seat next to Havi and put down his beer. “You thinkin’ about what I think you’re thinking about?” “Maybe.” Havi smiled at Jerry. “You worried he’s hooking up with his ex?” Jerry sat back in the rocking chair and looked over at Havi. “Trying not to think about it.” “Why do you think you don’t trust him?” “I was thinking that I was trying not to change him. I didn’t want to expect too much, you know?” “Yeah. I do Havi.” “God Jer. I love him. But if I don’t trust him, what does that really mean?” “It means you’re a human being. You’re afraid of getting too close to him and getting hurt. You’re just a normal person after all Havi. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Trust is a hard thing.” “Thanks Jer. What do you think I should do?” “I think you should talk to him about this when you see him.” “Yeah. You’re right.” “He seems like a good guy, Hav. I think he loves you too. And he is really hot.” Jerry danced a little in his chair. Laughing, Havi said, “Shut up.”

“Hey, I can appreciate a good-looking man. You guys look good together. You’re a good judge of character Havi, you always have been. You have good instincts, you know.” “I guess.” Jerry smiled at Havi. “But, if he hurts you, he’ll have to answer to me.” Turning his eyes met Jerry’s with a smile. “I think he knows that too. But, I don’t know if that will stop him.” “Well, then do you want to talk about the other thing?” Turning in his chair, he looked at Jerry more intently. “What did you find?” “Before I tell you, I don’t think you should come with us.” Shifting a little, Havi replied, “You found him?” “Yeah, I think we did.” He had been holding a file folder but hadn’t opened it. “It’s not safe for you to go get him.” “I can’t leave him there, Jerry. You know that.” “I know Havi, but all things considered….” “I’m willing to take the risk.” “Is this why you told Sergio to talk to his ex? Because you knew I’d have something for you and you plan on going in?” “Maybe.” “You know as well as I do, if you go in not expecting to come out, you are more likely not to. That’s another reason you can’t come.” “I can’t ask this of you guys.” A voice from the doorway got their attention. “You don’t have to ask. We’re all in.” Rick and Hank were standing behind them. “Sam’s not out here because he’s pretending he doesn’t know what we’re talking about.”

“No. You guys will get in trouble. I can’t….” “You don’t have a choice.” Rick sat down on the porch next to Havi and put his hand on Havi’s knee. “Of course we’re going Hav.” “Thanks guys.” Jerry spoke up next. “Okay. We’re pretty sure he’s in Egypt at a refugee camp. Which isn’t great for him, but at least we know it. The main issue isn’t getting him out, it’s getting him to safety.” “I think I have a plan for that.” Havi was prepared for what they might tell him. “I want to come with you.” “If it’s not safe for him, it’s not safe for you. And, no offense brother, but you aren’t as quick on your feet as you used to be.” “I know.”

28

New York, New York – Bethesda, Maryland October 2014

There is nothing like the beauty of Central Park in the Fall. Even if it was just the edge of time of changing leaves and warm sweaters, there was a crispness to the air that felt like Fall. The morning had started at the Natural History Museum, and then Mitchell and Nate took a stroll through the park. They were catching a late train back to D.C. with Sergio. The play was amazing, the cocktails afterward were a lot of fun. Seeing Akemi was great. It was good to catch up with him, they missed him too. However, they could see there was still a connection between him and Sergio. After buying coffees, they stood for a moment at the stand. The topic shifted to Sergio, they knew this had to be a challenge. Taking the lid off to blow on the very hot caramel latte, Nate asked, “What did he say this morning?” Nate knew it was just them for the museum but wasn’t sure if Sergio had told him he wasn’t coming with them this morning or last night. “He told me last night he probably wasn’t going to be up in time to come with us. I sent him a text asking him to let me know when he got in last night. It was late, but, he got back in one piece. He said he was okay.” Mitchell was thinking about when he left them at the bar as he stirred some cream before popping his lid back on. “I hope he really is okay.” “When you left, did it seem like he was coming back to the hotel alone? Couldn’t help but notice the way they looked at each other.” Knowing that one’s feelings for someone else can hurt other people firsthand, their eyes met with sympathy for the situation. There was no good answer to this type of thing. Moving closer to Nate, Mitchell replied, “They were standing pretty close to each other as I walked out. He said he’d be okay if I left. Maybe I should have stayed?” He put out his hand for Nate to take.

With the lid back on, it freed up Nate’s hand to wrap his fingers around Mitchell’s. Looking at their hands together, Nate thought back to all the times he looked at Mitchell the same way. Trying to fight his feelings, not wanting to hurt Ryan. Then, finally giving in. “What do you think happened?” “I hope nothing, but I don’t know.” He could tell that Nate was thinking of their story as well. “Hopefully nothing. Whatever happened…well, someone’s going to get hurt any way you look at it.” “Yeah. True.” Looking up with a half a smile, Nate was grateful he and Ryan were friends again. Leaning over to kiss Mitchell, he also knew this was where he was supposed to be.

At the hotel, Sergio was packing up his stuff. It had been a late night, too many drinks (he was out of practice) and now he really wanted to get home. He thought back to the last bar they had gone into. By that point of the evening, Mitchell had gone back to the hotel. Sergio told him it was okay to leave. He was cool with staying out with Akemi by himself. Nothing would happen. He had to believe nothing would happen. As he got his stuff from the bathroom, he thought back to the moment they went up to the bar for another round of drinks between songs. The 80’s night theme at the club meant a disco version of The Cure’s Lovesong played loudly in the background. The lyric ran in his head: Whenever I’m alone with you. You make me feel like I am home again. “I see what you’re doing, and you know I can’t.” Leaning his back against the bar, his elbows on the counter, Sergio looked out to the dance floor. He missed going out dancing. Getting sweaty in a crowded bar. Dancing so close that the sweat drips between you and everyone else. Finally back to feeling like he could own the floor again, now he was far from that life in London. He missed it. Feeling the sweat from Akemi on his skin. Their exciting life. He missed it all. Akemi was leaning across the bar trying to get the bartenders attention. It wouldn’t take long. He could get a drink at the busiest of bars. His eyes shifted to Sergio once he knew the bartender was on his way. “What am I doing?” Sergio gave him a look as if to say, ‘you know’.

Leaning over to Sergio, Akemi whispered in his ear, “Are you accusing me of trying to seduce you?” “I can’t ‘kem. You know that.” Moving back to keep eye with the bartender Akemi replied, “Who says that’s what I’m doing? Maybe we’re just friends, dancing the night away.” “Okay. Friends dancing the night away. That’s it.” The way Akemi was leaning on the counter, Sergio tried not to stare. Why did it have to be ‘Lovesong’ playing? Why did he have to wear those jeans? And, why did he have to wear the necklace Sergio had given him on their trip to Thailand. It was too much to say ‘no’ to. He had to say ‘no’ regardless of what he felt like doing. Closing his eyes, he waited for his drink, trying not to what he missed so much. After the bartender got them their drinks, Akemi took a sip and said, “Monogamy, huh?” “Yes. Monogamy.” With a look of sincerity, Sergio had to believe what he said aloud. Swirling his ice with the tiny straw, Akemi continued. “I hope it works for you.” Sergio shook his head indicating that he didn’t believe him. Reaching his hand out, Akemi smiled as he said, “Really. I want you to be happy, love.” The music played, ‘However far away, I will always love you. However long I stay, I will always love you. Whatever words I say, I will always love you.’ The knock on the door brought him back to now. “Be right there.” Opening the door, Mitchell and Nate were in the hallway. “Ready to go home?” “Yes. I can’t wait to get back.”

The train back seemed to be taking forever. Sergio wanted to get back to Havi.

Tell him nothing happened, that he loved him and wanted him more than ever. Closing his eyes, he hoped that would make the train get there more quickly. As they got closer, he sent Havi a text to see if he was back from the woods. The reply text was just a simple ‘yep.’ Once he confirmed that ‘yep’ meant it was okay to come over, he had Mitchell and Nate drop him off at Havi’s. He already had a bag with extra clothes, so why not? He moved up the stairs to the porch of Havi’s bungalow more quickly than usual. With a smile, he knocked on the door. He could hear music inside, so he knocked a little louder than normal. Gracie’s tail was wagging with excitement knowing that Brady was on the other side of the door. If he had a tail, Sergio’s would have been wagging with the same excitement. As Havi opened the door, he was nervous about what to expect. Seeing Sergio’s big smile helped, but he still wasn’t sure what that meant. “Hi.” With the space that was created as the door opened, Sergio tossed his bag on the ground after Gracie ran inside. Taking two steps in, he grabbed for the zippered edges of Havi’s sweatshirt and pulled him in for a kiss. His fingers slid to move the zipper down completely and pushed his sweatshirt off his shoulders. There wasn’t time to say hello, he needed to feel Havi’s lips against his. After taking Havi’s sweatshirt off, he pulled away for a moment to take his own shirt off and tossed it on the ground. “I missed you.” “I’m getting that impression.” Havi stepped backward to let him in and was taken by surprise with the intensity of the kiss. He missed him too. Wanted to kiss him too. He wanted to rip all his clothes off, but, he needed to talk to him first. Kicking the door closed with his foot, Sergio pulled Havi back in and kissed him, hard. His arms came around him so they could press against each other. With a sigh, Sergio’s hands came to Havi’s cheeks and held their lips together before he started to move his hands down Havi’s chest to the edges of his pants. Gracie and Brady had moved into the bedroom as if they knew that their respective daddies needed some time alone. Being close to Sergio made it hard to resist touching his skin. Those eyes, that accent, the confidence that shined into the room as he entered. Kissing his lips again, he almost forgot about the doubt he had up at the cabin.

“It’s so good to see you.” Those lips moved to Havi’s neck. “It was a long few days not being able to touch you.” “I missed you too.” Holding Sergio so close to him almost made him forget about the conversation he had with Jerry about trust. “If being apart means this is what happens, let’s do it more often.” “Let’s just skip the apart-part and get to this part more often.” Moving his hands to the back edge of Havi’s pants, his fingers spread out and grabbed. The softness of Sergio’s hair in his hands, feeling the temperature of skin increase, he almost forgot what Hank said. Almost. “Wait.” “What? It was a long weekend and I missed you. I want you.” Sergio’s lips moved back to Havi’s. “Sergio. Wait.” “What?” He didn’t stop kissing his skin but did look up for a moment. “Stop.” Pushing away, Havi looked to Sergio. “We need to talk.” With an even bigger more audible sigh, Sergio stopped. “Okay. What would you like to talk about?” “What happened?” Although the thought of asking ‘what happened when?’ crossed his mind, he knew Havi was talking about Akemi. Specifically, he assumed he meant did he have sex with Akemi. “Nothing. Nothing happened.” Moving to the couch. Havi sat down and looked up at Sergio. “What do you mean by ‘nothing’?” “What else could ‘nothing’ mean besides nothing?” Sergio kept standing, picked up his shirt and put it back on. Hopefully it would come off again soon. “I’m pretty sure the word means an absence of things here in the states as well.” Sitting on the edge of the couch, it was clear Havi wasn’t comfortable with this. “Sergio. I’m serious.”

“I am too. You told me to tell you if I had sex with Akemi. I didn’t, so there is nothing to tell you.” He reached his hand out saying, “I would, however, like to have sex with you. Which seems to be a problem.” Shaking his head, Havi looked down at the floor. “Havi, what do you want me to say?” Crossing his arms, he stood in the middle of the room. “I want you tell me what happened.” “Nothing happened. We had lunch, we talked about our past, the accident, just like you suggested. We talked about what’s happening in our lives now. Then, he met up with us for drinks after the show to catch up with Nate and Mitchell and that was pretty much it.” “You went out for drinks with him?” “We all went out for drinks and stuff after the show. I went back to the hotel alone. Nothing happened.” Havi sighed and rubbed his forehead. “And stuff.” “Oh my god. You don’t believe me.” Being tired physically and emotionally, plus a little hung over, wasn’t helping him feel stable. “It’s not that…” “It is that. You think I’m lying to you.” “No. Well, not exactly.” “I can’t believe this. After everything. You don’t trust that I would tell you the truth? You’re the one who said it was a good idea for me to talk to Akemi, alone, and now you think I’m lying to you about what happened. Or what didn’t happen.” “I just…I’m not sure.” “Oh. Wow. Incredible.” Sergio walked across the room and leaned against the

bookshelf. “Where is this coming from?” “While I was up at the cabin, the guys thought I seemed distracted, which I was. I couldn’t stop thinking about you being in New York with your ex. I wasn’t sure what was going on and while I was talking to Jerry about it…” “You were talking to Jerry. About thinking I was having sex with my ex, after you suggested I talk to him. You said you thought it would be good for me to talk to him one on one.” His voice was getting louder. It wouldn’t take long for his Scorpio tail to come out and strike. Being tired and hungover also wasn’t helping his judgement. “I know what I said, Serge.” Trying to stay calm, it seemed like a lot of emotion if nothing happened. “I did think it would be a good idea for you to talk to him, but….” “Did? Like you don’t anymore?” “When Jerry asked me why I was so worried about it, I told him that I asked you to tell me if you had sex with him.” “Oh my god. You told Jerry? Jesus Christ.” “Jerry asked if I trusted you, and I couldn’t say ‘yes’. I guess you’re right. I don’t think I believe you.” “What do you want me to say? I met him at a café for tea and a chat. He looked so hot that I took him to the bathroom and fucked him on the counter. Would that make you happy?” “Sergio. No.” “I just pushed him into a stall and fucked the shit out of him. It was the best sex I’ve had in years. How’s that?” And there was the tail. Can’t take it back now. “Why are you saying this?” “Then, he got on his knees and sucked my cock in a way that you don’t seem to be able to. Feel better now?” Why not add insult to injury at this point?

“Did that make you feel better?” “No.” He was pacing back and forth. This wasn’t what he wanted at all. “But I thought my boyfriend trusted me until about 10 minutes ago. I thought he loved me. I thought we had something here.” “I do love you. We do have something.” “How can you say you love me when you don’t trust me?” “That’s what I was trying to figure out with Jerry. I do love you Sergio, I just don’t know if I think you’re being honest about this. And what you just said isn’t helping.” “Fucking Christ.” Taking out his phone, Sergio started to dial. “Who are you calling?” “’kem, you can ask him yourself.” “What? Stop. Don’t.” Standing up, Havi walked to Sergio and put his hand on the phone. “Why not? You can ask him. Ask him if we had sex.” “No. I don’t…shit. That’s not the issue.” “You think he’s a liar too?” “It’s not that I think you’re a liar, exactly.” “Than what is it?” “There has to be more to the story than ‘nothing happened’.” “So instead of me coming home to you with a big kiss, you would rather I come in and tell you about lunch with my ex? My priority was letting you know I was happy to be home, not to talk about him.” “I don’t think I can just jump into bed without talking about this. I don’t think that’s too weird.”

“You think I’m weird because I want to have sex with the boyfriend I haven’t seen in 3 days?” “I want us to have more to our relationship than just sex.” “Are you saying that was all ‘kem and I had? Sex?” “No. I’m not saying anything about your relationship with him. I’m saying what I want out of our relationship. I want it to be more than sex.” “At the moment, it isn’t that either. I’m not sure what I’m doing here.”

As Mitchell was getting ready for bed, he looked out the window to see the lights were on downstairs at Ryan’s house. He knew Ryan and Derrick were in New York, since they just saw them a few hours before. It could only be Sergio. “The lights are on across the yard.” Holding the curtain open, Mitchell just stared. “What?” Nate was reading in their bed, Ryan had lent him a book that he had started the night before and read more on the train. Some book Ryan heard they were making into a movie. It was intriguing. He didn’t want to stop reading. “At Ryan’s. The lights are on. Didn’t we drop Sergio off at Havi’s?” “Yes. Text him and see what’s up.” Flipping the page, Nate kept reading. How had it taken him this long to find this book? Andre Aciman. He should have known earlier. It reminded him so much of they way he thought when he met Mitchell. “This is weird, right?” Mitchell turned to look Nate. “Right?” “I agree.” Nate looked up at Mitchell before saying, “So, text him to see if it’s him.” “Good idea.” Walking to the dresser, Mitchell picked up his phone and texted Sergio. In an instant, there was a reply.

“It’s him. He’s over there.” With a perplexed look, Mitchell leaned on the dresser, looking at Nate. “Why is he over there?” Turning the page on his book, this book was excellent. “Go find out or it will keep you up.” “I’m just worried about him. What if they got in a fight? Do you think he had sex with Akemi and Havi figured it out?” “If they did argue, he could probably use a friend.” With his eyes on his book, he turned the page to keep reading. It was an intriguing story. Reading and talking, not that hard for Nate. “I’m not going to speculate about the other thing. He said he didn’t, so we should believe him.” “Yeah, You’re right.” Nate’s eyebrows went up as if to say, ‘usually am’. Leaning over to give Nate a kiss, Mitchell said, “Be right back.” “However long it takes. I’ll be here.” Secretly, he was okay with Mitchell taking his time, he needed to get to the end of the book. Crossing the yard, Mitchell texted Sergio back to let him know he was on his way. As he approached the patio door, it opened indicating he should come in. “Serge? You okay? Why are you here?” “I’m not okay.” Sergio was pacing around the kitchen with a bottle of beer. “I can’t find the opener.” “It’s a magnet on the door of the fridge.” “Thanks.” Locating the opener, he could pop the lid on his beer. That was better. With one hand on the counter, Mitchell just said it, “What happened? Why are you here at not at Havi’s?” After opening the beer and taking a sip, Sergio replied, “He doesn’t trust me. He thinks I’m lying about not having sex with ‘kem. So I left.” Taking another sip.

“Want one?” “No. Thank you.” Mitchell walked up to the breakfast bar and leaned against it. “What do you mean he doesn’t trust you? What did he say?” “He told the guys where I was and from their conversation, he decided he doesn’t trust me.” He was back to pacing in front of the stove. “Fuck.” “Wait, go back. What happened when you went inside? Where’s Gracie?” “I left her over there. She was already in bed with Brady and I didn’t want any shit from the cab driver. She’ll be fine.” He was talking rather quickly. It was a little hard to follow since his accent was stronger when he was upset and he was also pacing. If he was really upset, he’d speak French. It was getting to that point. “Okay. That will be a good reason to go by his house tomorrow and talk when you’ve calmed down.” “I’ll wait until he’s at work and ask him not to take her with him or something.” Still pacing he continued, “And ‘fuck you’ for saying ‘when I’ve calmed down’. I’m not the one that accused my boyfriend of lying to me.” “I’m not trying to piss you off. I’m suggesting that it might be easier to talk if you are less upset.” Taking a seat at the breakfast bar, he reconsidered the beer. “Are you going to talk to him tomorrow? At least try?” Finishing another swig, “What’s the fucking point Mitchell. He doesn’t trust me. How can he really love me if he doesn’t trust me? After everything I’ve shared with him. Things I’ve never told anyone.” “Oh man.” “What? Why are you saying that?” “Will you stop pacing?” “Sorry.” Sergio stopped and leaned up against the counter. “Let’s start from the beginning.” Mitchell shifted in the barstool to get

comfortable, this could take a while. “We dropped you off at Havi’s…” “You dropped me off. He opened the door. I grabbed him and kissed him as I walked in and wanted to show him how much I missed him and that he is the only one I want to have sex with. Then, he stopped me. He asked what happened. I said nothing happened. He said, ‘what do you mean by nothing’. I said, ‘what else does nothing mean?’” Sergio was watching Mitchell, expecting him to stop him and say a summary was fine, but he didn’t. “Then he said he told the guys he was worried that I was having sex with ‘kem, even if it was his idea that I meet up with him, alone, in the first place. And from their conversation, he came to the conclusion that he doesn’t trust me.” “Oh.” “What do you mean ‘oh’? You’re supposed to be my friend and be on my side.” “I am on your side. But…” “You think I fucked ‘kem too? You don’t believe me either?” Shaking his head, he felt alone in this which he didn’t like. Reaching his hand out from across the bar, Mitchell wanted Sergio to know he was there for him. “I think there might be more to this than you are letting on and you don’t want to talk about it.” Sergio just glared at him as he took a swig. “I just think maybe more happened internally with Akemi than you want to it. Not that you did anything about it, but that it crossed your mind.” Still just staring back at Mitchell, Sergio was quiet for a moment. “Nothing internally happened, that’s what I said.” Rolling his eyes, Sergio was Sergio. “You know what I mean. In your heart.” Keeping eye with Sergio, Mitchell continued. “Okay, let me start with this. Part of the custody thing with Gordon involved homosexuals not providing a good home for kids. That led me to thinking about part of Nate’s past.” “I’m really not sure where this is going.”

“Well, after college, Nate went through this period of time where he had sex with all these random guys. Which was partially my fault because of the whole break up thing.” Looking at Mitchell, as if to say ‘so?’ he waited for more. “Not only was it hard for me to hear because I couldn’t get over how I changed his life, but it also intimidated the crap out of me. I’ve been with Joe, Martin, him, Kal and Marc. I can count them on one hand. He said he wasn’t sure how many it was, which doesn’t sound like Nate at all. I mean exactness is part of his personality. He probably knows exactly how many socks he has and how many cans of soup we have, which are sorted by type in the cabinet and their labels are facing out. So, how can he not know exactly how many men he’s had sex with, that doesn’t make any sense….” “Mitchell. I get it.” “Which makes me think he just doesn’t want to tell me. Which makes it worse.” “I’m not sure I understand what difference it makes if he’s been with 3 or 300 people? What is with this fascination with how many people one has had sex with? And what does that have to do with the custody thing?” Mitchell just gave him a look as he continued. “Before we moved in together, all I could think about was ‘what if he met up with one of the guys from his past and hooked up with them again?’ or ‘what if he’s going to start doing that again when I wasn’t there?’ When we were in Boston, at that one bar, I looked around and thought, what if it was one of these guys? How many people in this room has he had sex with? Then, with the custody thing, I thought, what if Gordon’s lawyer finds out? What if they use it against him?” “Mitchell, are you saying you think Nate isn’t a good father because he’s had sex? How is that ive?” “No. I was worried that Gordon’s lawyer…okay. Not what I’m saying here.” “You thought that Nate was going to get up and snog some guy in the bathroom regardless of you two being together now? Because if he’s really not that picky, I’m kind of insulted that he turned me down at that conference we all attended years ago.”

“Not the point Serge.” With a tilt of his head, he replied, “What is your point outside of that you are bothered by the fact that Nate has had sex with more people than you. I’m not sure I get what that has to do with me. He didn’t have sex with me, ?” “I’m saying…” He took a deep breath first. “I’m saying I was, am, intimidated by Nate’s past. And because he won’t tell me an exact number, it makes me more nervous. I’m not saying it’s the exact same thing with you and Havi, but it might be what you aren’t saying, not what you’ve said about seeing Akemi.” “I’m really trying to understand Mitchell, but who cares how many people I’ve been with?” “I’m not saying….I don’t think it’s about your past escapades overall. It’s your past with one person in particular.” “And, again, I didn’t have sex with that one person in particular, or anyone else for that matter. What is the big deal?” “You told me you told him about being the inspiration for some of Marc’s more adult writing, right?” Mitchell continued after Sergio shook his head ‘yes’. “And that you told him that you and Akemi had a fairly unbelievable sex life that included other people sometimes, yes?” “He wanted me to be honest, so I was.” Starting to feel anxious again, Sergio began pulling the label off his beer. Noticing Sergio’s nervous habit starting, Mitchell knew this was getting to the real issue, so he’d have to keep going. “It might have been easier when Akemi was in England. Not a real person who you went for cocktails with.” His nose curled up as his eyes squinted a little. “He was the one that thought it was a good idea to talk with ‘kem while he was in New York.” “I know, Serge. I think he was trying to be ive of you and your recovery.” “I get that. But why does that mean he thinks I was lying about what happened with ‘kem?”

“I don’t think he means you are intentionally lying. I think, and I don’t know for sure, he’s worried that you aren’t being honest with him because you aren’t being honest with yourself about your feelings.” Pausing, Sergio finished pulling the label off his beer. Then he looked up at Mitchell with a look of inner conflict. “He said he thinks I’m also lying about wanting to be monogamous now. Or, not being honest about it.” “Are you?” “Why doesn’t anyone believe me?” “Okay. I’m not saying I don’t believe you. But, as your friend for many, many years, you had never settled down until you met Akemi and it’s not like you were monogamous with him. After your accident, it seemed like you were monogamous because you thought other people no longer found you as attractive.” Sergio looked at him with concern. “Not that I agreed, but that’s what you said.” Looking down as his beer bottle, Mitchell did have a point. It just wasn’t one he wanted to hear. “I guess so.” “Then, you and Akemi break up and pretty quickly after that, you are in bed with Havi. Am I right?” “Point please?” “Since you got your groove back, you walk into a room the way you used to. Tossing your hair, making sure everyone knows you are there. You aren’t as timid as you had been the last few years.” “Right, which is partially because of Havi. More than partially. It’s because Havi showed me not to hide anymore, not because he finds me attractive. Because he’s attractive with scars. He knows that.” Putting his beer in the sink, he considered having another one. This conversation was going to keep going. “He knows that now you are back to your confident, sexual, self.” “You make it sound like a bad thing.” Sergio grabbed another beer from the fridge and motioned to Mitchell.

After nodding because, yes, now he wanted that beer, he replied. “You know what I mean. You seem different. He knows you are different compared to when you two met. And, maybe he’s worried that you’ll want to go back to sleeping around.” ing a beer across the counter, “I told him specifically that I don’t want that right now.” “Thanks.” Taking a sip, Mitchell continued, “Then why would he say, ‘if you have sex with Akemi’ to tell him? If it wasn’t even a possibility, why would he have to say anything?” With a smirk, Sergio couldn’t hide this part anymore. “Because I might have implied, he might have inferred that I was a little worried that I might.” “Sergio!” “What? He asked me to honest.” “So, you told him you might have sex with your ex, and now you’re mad at him for being worried that you did?” “No. I’m mad at him for not believing me when I said I didn’t.” “Okay. I get that those are different things.” “Thank you.” Using his beer bottle to point at Mitchell, he said, “Don’t follow that with a ‘but..’” “Look Serge, it’s not that I don’t believe you, but I’m trying to see it from his perspective. You are like a genie in a bottle that is back out again.” “Thank you, Christina Aguilera.” “You know what I mean. The last few years you’d been so closed off, physically, emotionally and now it’s all out there again. Maybe he’s just afraid there was more to your attraction to Akemi than you were telling him. That you’re going to leave him someday.” “I can’t do anything about his fear that I’ll leave him in the future.”

“I know. But you can be understanding that he might be afraid of it and not be upset with him when he needs to talk to you about it.” “I need him to believe me, Mitchell. I don’t see the point without trust. That’s why ‘kem and I had rules. There was no lying, or hiding, or pretending. We were open about our attraction to other people. What’s wrong with that?” “Is he right? Are you pretending to want to be monogamous because you think you’re supposed to?” “No. That’s not why.” “Then, why now?” “Ah. Damn it.” Sergio took the barstool next to Mitchell. “Since being with Havi, I haven’t been interested in having sex with anyone else. That’s a new feeling for me. But I also don’t really look. After my accident, I didn’t feel like looking around because I wasn’t ready, you know? Before that, I knew I could with ‘kem, so I did and we both enjoyed the results. Now, I don’t really look because I know I can’t, or shouldn’t, or whatever.” “So, you’re being monogamous because it isn’t okay with Havi?” “Because it would hurt him if I had sex with someone else, yes. He’s not like ‘kem.” “It’s not that you don’t want to, but that you shouldn’t?” “I guess that’s true.” He looked down at the tile. “What difference does it make as to why? If I’m being monogamous, isn’t that the point?” Realistically, he knew he couldn’t ask Sergio to change how he felt about being attracted to other people. Which meant skip that and ask the real question, “What happened after I left the bar?” “I’d ask why you want to know, but, that seems like a waste of time. After you left, we were dancing, it felt good to be out again. I haven’t been dancing in a long time, it’s not like Havi and I go dancing that often. Anyway, we got pretty close, like the old days. It was getting hot, so we took a break to get a drink and I told him I couldn’t, I wouldn’t, go home with him. That was that. He never

actually asked. We danced some more, then said goodnight, just a hug. That was it.” “Did you want to? Go home with him?” Running his fingers through his hair. He knew this was the real issue, but he didn’t want to say it. “Yes. I wanted to. But I didn’t. I told him I wouldn’t, and I didn’t. That’s the story.” “Did you tell Havi that part?” “No. I told him nothing happened, because physically, nothing happened.” “But, something did happen. You were tempted, and you didn’t do it.” “You think it would have been better to tell my boyfriend, who you think has insecurities about me having sex with other men, especially my ex, that I wanted to have sex with that ex, but didn’t do it?” There was probably some truth to what he just said, but he didn’t want to talk to Havi about it. “I know it sounds counterproductive, but, yes. I think he wanted to know that. Even if it was hard to hear. Just like I want to know how many men Nate has been with, even if that is hard for me to hear. Not knowing is worse because then it’s just what you make up in your head.” “Really? It would have been better to come in and talk about wanting to rip the clothes off my ex instead of him? That would have been better?” “Yes.” “That just doesn’t make any sense to me.” “Neither does monogamy, but you’re willing to try it out.” “True.” Laughing Sergio sat for a moment. This was crap. He should talk to Havi sooner rather than later. They sat in the kitchen in the silence just looking at each other. After the pause, Mitchell asked, “You didn’t do that thing where you say

something really mean because you are upset, did you?” Fiddling with his beer, Sergio shuffled a bit before his eyes met Mitchell’s. “Yeah, I did.” “How mean?” “I made up a story about having sex with ‘kem in the bathroom of the cafe and kind of said he was better at fellatio than Havi.” “What?! Why?” “I don’t know. I was mad.” “Oh. Sergio. You should apologize right now.” Mitchell had finished his beer. “May I ask you another question?” “Sure.” “Why are you mad that he talked to his SEAL team friends?” “Because. I don’t want them to know about our sex life.” “You’re talking to me about it.” “That’s different.” Sergio laughed. “How?” “Because there are different rules for me, Mitchell. ?” “That’s right. I forgot.” Smiling, he was glad he could be there for Sergio. “Should I call him? Text him or something?” “Text him. This would be hard to talk about over the phone, see if you can talk in person tomorrow.” “Maybe tomorrow is better.” He hated thinking that Havi was going to bed upset or worried. “Maybe I just text him that I want to talk tomorrow and that I’m sorry.”

“Good idea.” “Thanks for coming over Mitchell. I’m glad you’re across the yard.” “Me too, Serge. I’m glad we could talk. But, don’t tell Nate I told you about the post-college thing, okay?” Laughing, Sergio said, “He already told me. Not that you were so worried about it, but just about that time in his life. We were talking about stuff once as my doctor, kind of.” “Do you know how many?” “You should talk to him and tell him you need a number.” “Come on, tell me.” They laughed some more, talked about Mitchell’s insecurities and Nate’s adventurous life. After a while, Mitchell made his way back to his house and back to bed with Nate. Nate had fallen asleep with his book on his chest. Mitchell knew they’d talk in the morning. They had a good thing now. He knew how lucky he was to have him. For them to have each other. They’d talk about post-college another time.

29

Silver Spring, Maryland October 2014

The sun had just come up when Havi’s jeep pulled up in the driveway. He could hardly sleep, neither of them could, but it was late by the time Sergio and Mitchell had finished their chat, so they waited until the morning. Sergio had come downstairs and opened the door when he heard the car. Both dogs jumped out and ran to the door. After moving out of the way for the dogs, he walked to Havi with a small smile. “Good morning. Thank you for coming by.” “I’m sorry it’s so early. I just couldn’t….” Before he could finish, Sergio, stepped to him and put his hand on his cheek. He leaned in to kiss him. “I know. I couldn’t sleep either. I’m really quite sorry.” “Me too.” “Come in. Let’s talk.” He took his hand as they walked inside the house into the kitchen. “Coffee or tea?” “Yeah, tea would be good.” Havi took a seat at the breakfast bar as Sergio poured some tea from the pot. “Are you hungry? I can make some food.” “Not at the moment.” Walking around the breakfast bar, he said. “Do you want to sit here or in the living room?” He knew the barstools were sometimes easier for Havi to sit on, but not always the most comfortable. “I think here is okay. Look Serge, I don’t know how to start this. But I don’t like

what happened.” “I know. Me either. I think I might have an idea how to start. I’m sorry for many of the things I said and for what I didn’t say. I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you more about what happened with Akemi when I first got there. But I didn’t want to make him the center of our conversation. I just wanted to be with you, and not talk about it. That said, I can understand how that might make it seem like I was hiding something. I’m sorry.” “Oh. That’s not what I thought you were going to say.” “What did you think I was going to say?” “I wasn’t sure.” He shifted in the barstool. “You can say some pretty mean shit.” “Yeah, I know. I’m sorry. I have a tendency to lash out when I feel like I’m pushed into a corner. I’m not saying it’s okay, but I also can’t guarantee I won’t do it again.” “Oddly, Hank’s like that too. He says it’s a Scorpio thing.” With a smirk, Sergio laughed, “I’d agree with that.” “But why make something up? Just to be hurtful?” “It hurt me that you didn’t want to have sex. So, I know I can be a real ass when I’m angry, and a being little hungover didn’t help. Again, I’m not saying it was okay.” “Hank says it just show that he pays attention to us and our feelings since he knows exactly what will hurt the most.” “Well, that’s one way to look at it. It does mean I listen. But it still doesn’t make it okay. I know.” “At least you it it’s not cool.” Havi took his cup and swirled it around. He wasn’t sure what to say next. Where to go with it now? “So, where did all this come from? You didn’t seem that sorry when you left my place.” “I talked to Mitchell when I got back here last night. He helped me understand a

different perspective.” He reached across the space between them and took Havi’s hand. “Look, I know I seemed angry about you talking to Jerry and I’m sorry about that too. I know it’s important to talk to friends. I talked to Mitchell, so I understand you talking to Jerry. It’s just that they don’t know me that well, so I don’t know what they think of me. I feel weird about people knowing things concerning our life, but I get that you need other people as well.” “Thanks.” Havi sipped his tea. “I appreciate that. Will you tell me what it was you didn’t want to talk about last night?” “Yeah. But I need you to believe me. I’m not lying about this. I didn’t have sex with Akemi.” “Okay. I believe you. I want to believe you.” Sergio knew that was the best he’d get for the moment, so went ahead and told him. “Okay. So, yes. There was an attraction between us. Yes. After we met in the morning, we thought it would be okay to meet after the show, so he could see Nate and Mitchell and catch up. We all had drinks, then Nate went back to the hotel. Mitchell stayed out with us for a while, then he left too. When it was just us, it brought back a lot. I haven’t been out dancing and felt that comfortable for a long time. It felt good to be out again. I told him I wouldn’t go home with him, he said he wasn’t trying to get me to. I think that wasn’t exactly true, but he respects our relationship. I didn’t have sex with him or anyone else. If you really want to know, there was a point when the thought crossed my mind, and this was the first time I thought of having sex with someone other than you since our first night together. That’s the truth.” “And you didn’t tell me this last night because…” “I didn’t want to it that I was still attracted to him. That I thought about it. I didn’t want to tell you that part because I didn’t want to hurt you. I’m not sure what you are comfortable with and what you aren’t. When I got to your place, I didn’t want you to think that I wanted to have sex with you because I felt guilty about anything I did. I wanted to show you that I only want to be with you. I get what you are saying about not making our relationship just a sexual one, but to me, that’s how I can show you how I feel when I can’t articulate it. Does that make sense?” Holding Havi’s hand, the physical connection between them while they talked was also important to him. “To me, there is a difference between

when we have sex and just hooking up with some guy in a bar.” “Yeah. I think I understand. I don’t know that I agree, but I see what you are saying.” “I wanted to tell you about the conversation we had concerning our accident and my recovery, but it seemed like you were more focused about the sex part. As if that was the only part that mattered to you. Not the rest.” “I do want to hear about the rest of your conversation. But, you’re right. I was more worried about the sex part.” “I’m trying to understand your perspective and take that into consideration, so I need you to try to understand mine here too.” Sergio knew the only way this would work would be if they both tried to understand each other. “I know.” Looking at their hands he smiled. “You wanna have sex, then talk about the rest of this?” “Of course I do. Since you got here, I’ve wanted to take off your clothes and run my tongue over every inch of your skin. But I don’t know if that’s the best idea right now. I want to make sure you trust me.” Honesty. Had to be. Havi decided to be honest with his feelings as well. With a sigh, he replied, “I’m just afraid that you are going to change your mind and decide I’m not enough for you.” “Oh. No. Havi, even if I am attracted to other men, it’s not because you aren’t enough. It’s not about that at all. You are so important to me, I love you. I’m agreeing to being monogamous because of you. You’re right about that. I am doing it for you, but not in a way I will resent later. I promise. Just us. And I’m happy with just us.” “Sergio. You have to tell me if you ever start to change your mind.” “I will. I promise that too and you have to trust that I will.” “I do. I trust you. Last night, I thought about what it would be like if we split up and I couldn’t take it. I want to be with you and I know that means I have to accept you. We have to accept each other. I’m not saying that I will be okay with

it if you ever do want to have sex with other people but knowing that could happen is hard for me.” “But it isn’t happening right now. We both know firsthand that things can change in an instant. You don’t usually dwell on what might happen in the future. Why this?” “That’s what I was talking to Jerry about. Why? Why am I so worried about losing you?” “And what did Jerry say?” “He reminded me that I don’t deal with loss all that well and that I can obsess about things I can’t control, especially when something is really important to me. That maybe I should spend more energy enjoying our time together.” “Okay.” “He told me I need to chill and to trust you. Because I have always had pretty good instincts about people.” “I love him even more than I did before.” “I’m sorry Serge. I wish I could go back and change yesterday.” “You and me both. Let’s change today.” “What do you mean?” “I mean…” He leaned over and kissed Havi. Standing up, he stepped closer to the barstool Havi sat on and wrapped his arms around him. Kissing him even harder, his hands spread out across his back, pulling him in closer. Bringing his hands to the top of the zipper of Havi’s sweatshirt, he looked him in the eye saying, “Okay?” “Yeah, okay.” Sergio slowly unzipped his sweatshirt and used his fingertips to glide it off Havi’s shoulders letting it fall onto the back of the barstool. Just as slowly, he ran his fingers up the side of his neck to his cheek and held him as his lips came

down to touch Havi’s. His other hand moving to Havi’s hip, fingers lightly spreading out. A slow, sensual morning to start the day and apologize for last night. Thinking they should move to the couch, he took two steps away and held out his hand to guide Havi to the other part of the room. Standing up, Havi took Sergio’s hand and kissed his wrist before taking the edges of Sergio’s shirt and pulling it up over his head. His fingers ran down Sergio’s chest to the top of his drawstring pants as he looked Sergio in the eye. His gaze fell to Sergio’s stomach as he licked his lips. Slowly, he kneeled on the ground using one hand on the barstool. “Where are you going?” Looking down, it was fairly clear where he was going, but it wasn’t what Sergio expected. Looking up, Havi declared, “I gotta prove that he’s not better at this than I am.” Pulling Sergio’s pants down enough to expose what Havi wanted, it’s not like Sergio wore underwear that often, access was easy. With a very determined look, he reached out. With two fingers, Sergio pushed Havi’s chin up toward him allowing him to look him in the eye. “Hav. I said that because I was angry, not because it’s true.” “There must be some truth in it or you wouldn’t have thought about it. Let me do this.” “You don’t have to do this right now.” “I know, but I want to. Sit back.” The barstool was right there. He hoped this would make Sergio go weak in the knees. His lips circled the tip of Sergio’s cock before he surrounded him with his mouth. With a sigh, Sergio leaned back against the barstool as his fingers ran through Havi’s hair. Maybe he had practiced, or he read up on it, something was different. “Oh. Wow.” One hand moved up to Sergio’s chest and his fingertips twirled around his nipple. His other hand shifted underneath and his fingers spread out. The muscles that contracted in his mouth pulled Sergio in farther. The warmth and moisture of Havi’s mouth making Sergio’s eyes roll into the back of his head. Even if Akemi was really good at this, Havi was doing a damn good job.

In the Blake/Davis household it was also an early morning. Nate had surgeries, so he was up at dawn. The first surgery was a pretty standard one, so Mitchell wasn’t coming in for it. He was going to come in and assist with the other two since they were more complicated. In surgery, everyone benefited from them working together because they seemed to be able to read each other’s minds once they got started. There were many things they were good at together, so many things they didn’t have to say. Yet, there were things they still needed to talk out. Even if he wasn’t heading in with Nate, Mitchell was also up and a little worried about the discussion he had with Sergio. “I worry about him. That’s all.” Mitchell had been talking to Nate as they came downstairs. “Do you want to text him and check in?” Grabbing his to-go mug, Nate was thinking of surgery, but trying to participate. “No. It’s early. I’ll wait and see.” Looking across the yard, the curtains to the family room of Ryan’s house were open meaning Mitchell could see that things seemed to be working out okay. “And he left the curtains open, so there you go.” “I take it they’ve worked things out?” Pouring some coffee with a laugh, Nate was distracted by the surgery he had later that day that Mitchell was assisting on. “Looks like it.” Opening the fridge to grab the caramel creamer, Mitchell stopped and looked over at Porthos relaxing on the couch before putting the creamer on the counter. If Brady and Gracie were across the yard, he was usually by the door to go outside, but not today. Porthos seemed comfortable on the couch and like he was watching them. After a moment, Mitchell turned and looked at Nate. Not really noticing, Nate continued to pour his coffee, poured one for Mitchell, put the pot back on the machine and then turned to see Mitchell looking at him. “What it is? Why are you looking at me that way?” “What’s the number?” Standing with a hand on his hip, his other hand was on the counter. ing the other mug closer to Mitchell, “What?” He added a little cream to his

mug. Caramel lattes before surgery weren’t a good idea for his concentration, but coffee with a little splash of caramel creamer was okay. “Thanks.” Taking the mug, Mitchell took a sip. “The number. You never gave me a number. I know you have to know what it is.” “Mitch. I’m not sure what you’re talking about.” Sipping his coffee, he thought for a moment. “But I can see that it’s bothering you. Can you be more specific about what number you would like me to provide?” “Men. How many men? What’s the number of men you’ve had sex with? And don’t say ‘42’ because I’ve read those books too.” Douglas Adams was a god in this house, so the answer to the ultimate question was one they both knew. If the number was also 42, it must have been planned. “What if it is 42 because that’s when I stopped fucking around?” “Then the number would be 43 because you were with Ryan after all that. Or 44. That Cliff guy too.” “Oh, that’s true.” He put the lid on his mug and swirled it a little. “Cliff. Huh. Haven’t thought about him in a while.” Watching Nate thinking, Mitchell could tell he wasn’t thinking about what he wanted to know. “So?” Nate’s eyes met Mitchell’s. “58.” Taking another sip, this was a better mix. Putting the creamer back in the fridge and taking out the butter, Mitchell stopped. “58.” “Did you think it would be more or less?” Taking out the bread from the bread box, Nate put some pieces in the toaster as if it was no big deal. “I’m not sure. That’s just a weird number.” “Well, that’s the number.” “Huh.” Looking over at Porthos on the couch again, Porthos had his head down between his paws. He looked back at him with a wag of the tail as Mitchell took

another sip. After the toast popped out, Nate grabbed them and put them on a plate. “Do you want some toast?” Looking over to Nate, Mitchell stared for a moment. “No, thank you. I’m gonna go take Porthos for a run.” He took a moment to think before continuing his questions. “Do you know their names?” Spreading butter on his toast Nate answered, “No.” “Because you don’t , or you didn’t ask?” “Mainly, because I didn’t ask. I might one or two. Like Sebastian, the yoga teacher.” Nate emphasized the French pronunciation of Sebastian in hopes of getting a smile from Mitchell. Leaning his hip on the counter, he looked at Nate. “Would you recognize them again?” “Probably not.” A bite of the toast went well with the coffee. “Oh.” Biting his lip, he considered what that meant while looking at the ground. “Hey Mitch?” More toast. His eyes came back up and met Nate’s. “Yeah Nate?” Piercing his lips, he was thinking about this too much. “What’s this about?” Another bite, this piece of toast was almost done. Nodding his head, he thought about the question. “Why didn’t you tell me that number before?” “When we talked about this the first time, it wasn’t because we were together, it was in a different context. We were friends talking about our past, so I didn’t think that the number would matter to the story.” The other piece of toast was just as good. “Then it didn’t come up again.” Mitchell stood in their kitchen thinking about the number 58. “Huh.”

Watching Mitchell from across the kitchen, Nate couldn’t figure out what to do next. Deciding just to ask, he said, “Am I supposed to say something else?” “No Nate.” He smiled and said, “I need to let this go. It’s not you.” “Okay.” Last bite. “Then, I’m off.” Leaning over, he kissed Mitchell on the cheek with buttery lips and started to walk away. “I left the Vasquez file on your desk with some notes. Let me know your thoughts on which procedure to use.” “Yeah, I will.” Thinking for a moment, Mitchell’s mind ran circles. Reaching out to take Nate’s wrist, Mitchell pulled him back in for a long, ionate kiss. “Thank you for humoring me and answering my questions.” “I’ll always give you an answer. But, tell me if that answer isn’t what you’re looking for.” Even if he was getting better at expressing his emotions, he wasn’t good at reading people so never knew if it was the right thing to say. There was a pause meaning, there were more questions. “Why do you think you wouldn’t recognize any of them?” “Because most of them were in bathrooms, backrooms of bars or sex clubs, so it was dark. And it was 12 years ago.” “Oh.” Nate was so matter of fact about things, Mitchell had to smile. “That makes sense. Okay.” “Great. I’ll see you at the hospital later.” One more long kiss before Mitchell simply replied, “Yep. Love you.” As Nate walked into the garage, Mitchell smiled at Porthos. Nate was nothing if not honest. Mitchell knew he would be honest about whatever he asked, even if he thought it wasn’t what he wanted to hear. That was Nate. He had nothing to worry about, regardless of what happened in the past. The past year had brought so much stress to their lives, but they got through it and now their lives had changed even more. Grateful that they had prevailed in their custody battle with Gordon, he knew 2015 was going to be different.

30

Silver Spring, Maryland November 2014

Once they had reconnected the way Sergio had hoped for, Havi couldn’t avoid the other thing he didn’t want to say. “There is something else I need to talk to you about.” Havi sat up on the bed, looking directly at Sergio. “You’re making me nervous. What is it?” Sergio sat up now as well, facing Havi on the bed. “It has to do with part of what Jerry and I talked about as to why I was worried.” Reaching out to hold Sergio’s hands, Havi continued, “Do you when you told me about Julio?” Julio was a boy Sergio knew back in the Philippines. His first kiss was with Julio. His father found them and that ended up being the reason Sergio thought his parents’ divorce and them moving to was his fault. “Of course.” “Okay. You me telling you I had a similar story, without my dad finding us? That I have a childhood friend who was also gay?” “Yeah, Saeed. Right?” Sergio sat, not really sure where this was going. “Why?” “Back home, it’s not safe to be out, you know? And, they found out Saeed’s gay.” Knowing that the word ‘they’ was a bit ambiguous, he kept going. “He had to flee, no info, nothing. He just sent me an email telling me it wasn’t safe for him to stay. That’s when we lost touch. I’ve been trying to find him again for about 3 months.” Watching Havi talk, it was a different tone than other conversations. More determined, more concerned, more emotional, but calm at the same time. “Oh wow. Okay. You left that part out before. Different ‘why’ then the first one now.”

“I know. And I’m sorry. I know I just told you that you shouldn’t keep things from me, so I sound like a hypocrite. I get that.” Rubbing his thumb against Sergio’s hand, he continued, “But, I couldn’t really talk about it.” “What do you mean, you couldn’t talk about it?” “I asked my old team to help me find him. If anyone knew that I asked them, they could get in trouble, or worse.” “Who would I have told?” “It’s not that I thought you would have said anything intentionally to anyone. I trust you. I do. But, if someone overheard me talking, it could jeopardize things.” “Trying to understand here.” He looked at their hands, why was Havi making a point to hold his? Was he trying to soften some kind of blow? But, then, why have sex? “Why are you telling me now?” “They found him. That’s part of what we were talking about at the cabin. He’s at this refugee camp in Egypt, which, honestly, isn’t that much better. They had photos to be sure I thought it was him and it is.” Havi was sharing everything, trying to be as open as he could be. “He’s not safe there. None of these camps are good for people like us. Part of the recon they were doing was to see how urgent it was to get in there and it’s not the worst, but it’s not great.” “And….” This wasn’t sounding so good. What was he supposed to say? “And, so, this past weekend, we were talking about how to get him out….” “And…” Still not good. “Officially, they will be in Ethiopia for something else in January, so they’re going to rescue him.” It was more than he should say, but he wanted their relationship to be open and honest. Meaning he had to be that too. “You need a SEAL team to get someone out of a refugee camp?” Even if he wanted to pull away, Havi was strong and holding his hands, keeping them close. It was frightening, but the warmth of Havi’s hands provided comfort.

“Depends on who is running the camp. And, more, the area around it isn’t safe, so they are getting him out and getting him to safety. Get him out of the country and set up somewhere else.” “That’s good, right? They’ve done this kind of thing before, I’m assuming.” “It is. They have. They know what they’re doing.” Still holding Sergio’s hand, he wanted to keep a physical connection between them, because this part was going to be hard. “They’re risking a lot by helping me, so I’m probably going to go with them.” Sergio sat there dumbstruck. “They tried to talk me out of it, but I have to go.” “Yeah. I can see why they’d try to talk you out of it.” Havi was, at one time, the best of their team. When he ed the military, he knew he’d have to be the best in order to be accepted, so he worked extra hard at everything. He was strong and tough, the best shot of all of them by far. He had also been the best at hand to hand combat and his linguistic skills were excellent. But, now, he had a prosthetic limb that kept him from participating. That seemed to be overlooked at the moment. “I know it sounds crazy. But I have to go.” He kept eye with Sergio as he talked. “I know it’s a lot Serge. And, I’m sorry, I have to go, and I have to ask you not to tell anyone.” Just kind of staring at Havi, this wasn’t making sense. He was hearing words, but, what? “Does Radha know?” “No. Especially not her, she’s not in anymore, but it would put her in a bad place. She can’t know what’s going on.” “What am I supposed to say to people if they ask where you are?” He really wanted to say, ‘can we back up to the you’re going part,’ but didn’t. “I have a cover story, once it’s set, I’ll tell you. I know this is a lot. And I know I’m a total asshole for keeping this from you. You have every right to be angry with me, not want to talk to me. Break up with me. I would understand.”

“Break up with you?” “Well, I just gave you shit for keeping things from me and now I’m telling you I kept things from you. I could see you being mad at me.” “I’m not sure what I feel. But, breaking up with you wasn’t something that crossed my mind. Not until you said that.” With his eyes hidden, he continued to talk because this part was harder to explain. “Well, Jerry thinks I might have told you to go talk to Akemi because I’m afraid I won’t come back, and I want you to have just in case. He might have a point, but. I’m not sure so…” “Hold on. What?” Again, he heard words, but those words didn’t make any sense. This whole thing didn’t make any sense. “What do you mean you might not come back? Go back. I can’t believe you are saying this.” Shaking his head, “I thought you wanted me to talk to Akemi because you wanted me to get some closure. To help me heal my wounds and some shit. What the fuck are you talking about now?” He tried to pull his hands away, but Havi wouldn’t let go. Pausing, Havi looked at Sergio. That was probably not the right way to put that. “I did. I do, I mean. I think, yeah, it was good for you to talk to Akemi about your accident, about how things are now with your recovery from that. Help you heal some of the emotional injuries. But there might be some truth to what Jerry said too. I love you. A lot. I want you to be taken care of. I shouldn’t have put you in this position. But I don’t know what else to do. I also know that this is going to be difficult and would be even if I had two working legs.” “You mean there will be guns and shooting and stuff?” Keeping eye was a way Havi tried to show he meant it all. “Probably.” Rubbing his face, it was still settling in. “Oh my god.” Guns that he probably wasn’t bringing with him, and it wasn’t like he could use military weapons anymore. That meant there was likely some arms deal with bad guys for him to have one, or more. This was just getting worse. What was he supposed to say? “You have to understand, I have to help him. He can’t stay in that place. It’s not safe for him. To be gay in a place like that, even if Egypt isn’t as bad as places like Uganda, it’s still not a safe place to be and…”

“No. No. I get that part. I get that it is dangerous for Saeed. I just don’t get why you have to go.” “He’s my best friend. I have to be there.” “You’ve put me in a place where if I say, ‘don’t go’, I’m the asshole.” “I don’t think you’re an asshole for not wanting me to go. Say it. Say whatever you are thinking. Please be honest with me. I don’t know if that will change what I’m about to do, but I want you to tell me what you think about it. The guys all said the same thing. They also reminded me that I’m not in a place physically where I used to be. I might slow them down, I’m not able to run anymore. All that stuff. I know. That’s hard to it, but I know what they are saying is in my best interest. Even in Saeed’s. But right now, I need to go. Even if I don’t go in with them, I need to be in Egypt. “The idea that you are there but not on the mission or whatever you’d call it makes me feel a little better. Will you consider what they said? For Saeed’s safety?” Even if it was also for Saeed’s safety, Sergio really meant for Havi’s. “Okay, for your own safety. I have a vested interest in your safety. Please think about it.” “Yeah. I will.” He almost explained why he was going anyway, then thought it best to leave it there. His gripped loosened, so he knew Sergio could walk away now. He just hoped he wouldn’t. Sergio turned and got off the bed. “Fuck Havi. I can’t believe….” Pausing, he couldn’t finish his thought. “Please, say whatever is in your head.” He stayed on the bed, watching Sergio pace. “I don’t know what’s in my head. There is so much. I can’t focus on one thing.” “Okay. I can wait.” Standing in one place for a moment, he looked at Havi. “Stop being so cool about this. It’s making it worse.” Still sitting on the bed, Havi was open to talking to Sergio about whatever he

wanted. “I just told you I’ve been keeping something from you, after being upset that you didn’t share things with me. Now I’m leaving the country to help a friend in a dangerous place. How is that cool of me?” Stopping for a moment and looking at Havi, he replied, “How can I be mad at you when you have already itted that it was wrong of you to keep this from me. But, then, of course you had to keep this from me. It would have been dangerous if someone found out what they were doing. How can I justify being mad about that?” “It was still a shit thing to do, even if I had a good reason.” “No. No. That doesn’t work. You don’t get to say that. I get to say that was a shit thing to do.” Trying not to smile a little, Havi said. “Okay, forget I said that, and you say it.” “I can’t say it now, it’s too late.” He went back to pacing around the bed. Watching Sergio pace, he wanted to reach out and hold him, but knew he needed the space. “Just say it.” Sitting back down on the bed, Sergio said, “That was a shit thing to do. I can’t believe you kept that from me.” “And.” “And what?” “And, that I was just upset with you because you didn’t tell me about the stuff with Akemi, so this isn’t fair…” “Stop it. Ugh.” “Okay. Sorry.” “Yes. How can I be mad if you already said it?!” “Just say it, you’ll feel better.” “I don’t know.”

“Do you want to hit me?” The corners of his mouth came up a little. “Maybe in the shoulder or something?” Trying to stay serious, Sergio answered. “Physical violence is not the answer.” “Light punch on the shoulder?” He smiled more sympathetically. “It’s what guys do.” “That’s stupid. No. And, don’t.” Laughing a little too, “This isn’t right.” “I know.” “I mean, Saeed shouldn’t be in a place where he’s not safe.” He looked down at the floor. “But I don’t want you to go.” “I know.” “Stop saying that.” Havi pointed at his shoulder with a little tap. “Try it.” “It sets a bad precedent. I’m not going to hit you.” “I’m saying it’s okay.” “I might reinjure my hand and that’s the shoulder with the bullet scar. No.” “Just a tap.” Sergio lightly hit Havi’s shoulder with his right hand. “Feel better.” “A little.” He hit him again. Then, with his left. “Ouch. Okay, I said once.” “That was for lying and then the other one was for being a hypocrite.” “What about the third one?”

“That was for good measure.” He stopped for moment looking down. Looking back up, he said, “How long will you be gone?” “I’m not sure. At least two weeks or so. Maybe longer depending on things when we get there.” Getting to Egypt. Getting Saeed out and to safety. Being sure he was safe. It was going to take time. “Two weeks at least. Two weeks.” Two weeks of lying about where Havi was? Or could he say where Havi was once Saeed was safe? Would it jeopardize Havi coming back? Havi was a citizen now, but he was from Yemen and immigration wasn’t really great when it came to Muslim countries. Muslim and gay, not the best combination. “Yes. At least two weeks.” He couldn’t read Sergio’s facial expression, so he thought he’d just share more. “We have to do some more planning, come up with the specifics to get him out of the camp and out of the country. They’re all coming back in a few weeks to look stuff over. Except Sam, he’s pretending he doesn’t know.” His eyes came back up to meet Havi’s with a smile. “Oh, so I have the opportunity to talk to them about not letting you get yourself killed?” Havi paused and looked at Sergio. He couldn’t see it as getting himself killed. Jerry was right. He had to believe they would all get back safely. “Well, we’ll be talking about stuff that you probably shouldn’t hear. I’m not sure you should be there. I know you want to, but realistically…” “Nope.” Sergio had that mischievous look in his green eyes. “You don’t have a choice. I’m going to be there. I’ll just follow you around if I must. Letting me in on this is the least you can do, all things considered.” Havi knew that Sergio had a point. Maybe if he knew what was going to happen, he’d feel better about it. Maybe not, but it was his choice to make. “Okay. That’s a good point. They’re coming back around your birthday.” “What a perfect gift. I’ll just sit in your house that whole week in case you aren’t telling me the truth.” Smiling, Sergio knew better, but wanted to make the point. Havi had a ‘you’re kidding’ look on his face.

“Hey, I don’t trust you right now.” Laughing, Sergio was only kind of serious. He knew he could trust Havi with his life. Which wasn’t something he was used to feeling. Maybe he shouldn’t get too used to it? Shaking his head. Havi laughed too. “You know they’re going to give you shit about meeting with Akemi, right? They’re going to ask you if you had sex with him. And ask in many different ways to see if you slip up. Rick will ask you in French or something.” “I’m sure they will. But I’ll be okay. If it gets them to keep you safe, I can take it.” Leaning across the bed, his lips lightly touched Havi’s. “I love you you know?” “I love you too Sergio. I’m sorry this is happening right now.” “I’m sorry for Saeed, not for myself. I’m glad I’m here with you for this.” He loved Havi because of his willingness to help other people. The greatest hero, just as his name signified.

31

New York, New York November 2014

Now that Ryan’s play had opened to great reviews, he had time to get back to working with Marc on The Life and Times of Kenneth Clark. It was going to be an exciting season. Since Marc was not a British citizen when he moved to London to write the first of the novels, the issues of immigration came into his life once he decided he wanted to stay to be with Mitchell. Marc had been familiar enough with immigration issues through his whole life. Although born in the United States, his family had moved back to Mexico City when he was young because his father had lost his job. The family stayed there until he was much older. He moved back when he was accepted into University of Chicago for college. His mother moved to Miami where her sister lived after his father had ed away. There were complications all around this family’s lives concerning immigration and the assumptions of people concerning his ethnicity. He was looking forward to bringing these issues on the show. The previous seasons had touched on issues around family and marriage laws, so aspects of immigration had been presented in some of the episodes. Now, they could really tackle them head on. In recent years, Ryan had become more aware of issues around institutionalized racism and the privilege he was granted because of who he was. His interest had led to long conversations with Marc concerning their respective life experiences. As he felt more comfortable, he engaged in discussions with Sergio about growing up in multiple countries, with multiple languages and philosophies. Once he met Derrick, Derrick was happy to talk to Ryan about his life and challenges he had come across. Reading a lot of books for background, Ryan came up with some plot twists for the show. Sitting in the writer’s room, Marc and Ryan bounced ideas around. They had changed some of the aspects of the books to keep the viewers surprised, and limit how often Marc had to think about his life with Mitchell. “So, did you read the new review yesterday?” Marc was so proud of the writer

Ryan was becoming. Even if Ryan’s play had a limited run, it was well received and likely going to lead him to write more. Leaning up against the whiteboard wall that they were writing all over, they had hit a bit of a block. It seemed like a good time for a change of topic. Shifting back and forth in his chair, Ryan smiled. “I did. But, we’re talking about the show.” “Yeah, but that doesn’t mean we can’t talk about your review. It was good, and she is hard to please.” Getting to know the literary reviewers around New York was part of Marc’s job. He didn’t always get the respect he might have wanted to because he was a romance writer. Ryan was getting respect as a playwriter and that’s what Marc wanted for him. “It was pretty cool to read.” His chair rolled around a little as he fidgeted. He wasn’t good at taking compliments. “Did you put it on your fridge?” Smiling some more, Ryan’s humbleness was absolutely adorable. His eyes met Marc’s with a smile, “Derrick put it on the fridge so when I woke up, it was there. With stars around it.” “That’s even more adorable than the look on your face.” “Shut up.” His diffidence was getting the best of him. “Back to the show.” “Maybe we should all go to dinner to celebrate?” Determined to enjoy the city, Marc didn’t want to just work all the time. Finding a balance of going out without drinking so much that he didn’t the night was part of his goal for this year. “The four of us haven’t been out together in a while. Let’s go when we’re done here.” “With Derrick’s rehearsal schedule, he might not want to go out tonight.” As ive as Derrick was, his schedule for Hamilton was demanding, but Ryan also knew Derrick was loving it. They were still able to find time to see each other, even if it was a little more difficult. “Okay. Then, let’s just us go out. It would be fun. We can swing by and check on Shelby first.” Ryan’s diabetic cat, Shelby was everyone’s favorite. She even

came to the office sometimes if she had a vet appointment. “Maybe CJ can meet up with us afterward.” Marc’s relationship with CJ was back on a good swing. The rocky part this time around was due to a guy trying to exploit money to keep photos out of the press. Instead, CJ did some interviews after his PR people prepped him on how to be a sympathetic story. He was an excellent actor and it all worked. It just left Marc feeling a slight bit hesitant because he couldn’t always tell if CJ was acting or not. He also wasn’t sure exactly what he wanted out of their relationship. Or if he wanted a relationship at all. They had spent more time apart lately, even if CJ’s PR people wanted to be sure they were seen out and had photos of them happy in the press. It was a little much for Marc, but he did it anyway. These were not the relationship problems he had expected at this point in his life. After all the dinners for the press, he decided he enjoyed his time with CJ, and he shouldn’t walk away just because he was unsure. “Cool. I can text Derrick and see what his plans are for the evening.” Reaching over to the phone on his desk, he looked down to type. “But…” He pointed to some ideas on the board. “We should revisit that part.” More banter brought them back to the board and working on a story arc for the season. A reply from Derrick saying, ‘All free tonight’ meant they had dinner plans together. “So, where were we?” Marc turned to look at all the ideas in different colors with arrows pointing every which way. “Immigration issues for England? Do we want to keep that plan?” “What if we change the story so that Dr. Ortiz meets a guy who is in London from America?” They had worked together so well that Ryan wasn’t worried about what Marc might think of his ideas to change the storyline. “That would be interesting. If he comes to New York, we could shoot some scenes here.” Marc appreciated Ryan’s ideas and liked changing some of the book. Even his opinion had changed about parts he wrote. “Maybe we should talk to Sergio and see if Havi can give us some insight about being Muslim and gay in America. That might be interesting.” “Yes! I was going to invite them up to see that screening of Hidden Away. You think they’d be interested? “I think so. Have you met Havi? He didn’t come to your play, right? I’ve only seen some photos.”

“I have met him. He’s pretty cool. Kind of amazing actually.” “That’s good. I’m glad Sergio’s happy. Though, it seemed kinda rough for Akemi when they met up last month.” “Yeah, I know. I felt weird meeting up with everyone after the show. It did seem like old times for them. There was still a spark, you could see it.” “It’s all confusing sometimes. A look, a word or reference that makes you think of old times. You can’t really hide the past I guess.” “Are you feeling okay?” With a grin, Ryan couldn’t believe Marc just said that. He was always trying to hide his past with Mitchell from what it seemed like to Ryan. “Yes. I know. Maybe that’s weird for me to say, but, I don’t know. Things change. Wanna give Serge a call and see if they can come up? It would be good to see him.” Marc didn’t meet up with them when Sergio had come up for Ryan’s play because he knew Nate and Mitchell were there as well. He had a chance to talk to Sergio over the phone a few times since he moved to the States, but they didn’t see each other as often as he hoped. “I’m glad you’ve been able to see Sergio when you’re down there. But, wish he’d come here more often.” “I’ll give him a call now, see what they are up to next weekend. It would be cool if they came up for the screening.” “Call from here. If he’s okay with speaker phone, we can both ask him.” Staring at the idea board, Marc continued, “I also agree about mixing stuff up so that we can shoot here in New York. I like this idea.” Marc tapped the wall with the pen. Dialing Ryan had his ear to the phone. Mouthing the words ‘voicemail’, he spoke in his phone voice, “Hey Sergio. It’s Ryan and Marc. We were wondering if you guys might want to come up next weekend. There is a screening of a film called Hidden Away, not the one from 2013, this one is Spanish. It seems like something you might like, plus we both miss you. Give me a call or text or something and let me know. Hope your good! Bye.” Hanging up. His eyes shifted up to Marc’s. “We’ll see. But, I hope they come up. You’d like Havi.” “I’m sure I will.” Turning back to the board. “What do we do about this part?” Pointing to the words on the board, they had suggested a storyline in a previous

episode that they never resolved. It was something that was popping up on the fan message boards, so they had to address it. Dr. Clark’s previous relationship was supposed to explain some of his intricacies, but that meant Marc had to think about Mitchell, if only to change what he had written in the books. “Yeah. Well.” Settling back in the chair to see the whole board, Ryan asked, “What do you feel like doing?” They continued to talk about the storyline and figured everyone had past relationships that molded their current ones. It didn’t have to do with he whose name was not said aloud. The rest of the team was coming back in tomorrow, so they could share the main points and build from there. Taking photos of the wall in case someone erased it overnight, they started to pack up and head out. Since Derrick had texted, he sent another saying he was happy to cook for everyone and that he told CJ to just come to their place. Although Derrick had an early morning the next day, they could hang out at their place for a while. Having people over for dinner let them hang out with friends and already be at home after the dinner ended. No wasting time in a cab or on the train. Living together was a wonderful way to know they would see each other every day, even if just to say good morning and goodnight in person. Walking into their apartment, Ryan yelled, “Hi honey. I’m home.” Taking off his coat and hanging it in the closet, he also took Marc’s and did the same thing. “Hey guys. Come on in.” Derrick had two glasses of wine for them at the end of the hallway. “Hey Marc, here you go.” He handed Marc his glass. “CJ said he’s on his way.” “Cool. Thank you.” He took a sip. “It smells delicious in here.” As he got to the kitchen, he said hello to Shelby and took a seat at the breakfast bar. As Ryan walked up to Derrick, he smiled. Seductively, Derrick said, “Hi.” Then leaned in and kissed Ryan after handing him the glass. “How was your day?” “Our day was good. I think we have some good ideas for next season.” Ryan kissed him again before asking, “And you?” “Rehearsal was good. I’m tired, but good. We have a master class tomorrow, which will be doable, but this show is going to kick my butt.”

“It looks good though.” Smiling some more, Ryan grabbed Derrick’s ass with care. He knew it was probably a little sore for all the dancing. They were both a little shy when it came to compliments. “Come on. Let’s eat.” Holding hands as they walked into the kitchen, Marc was petting Shelby as he talked to her about her day. Once CJ arrived, they sat down at their dining room table to eat. It was a nice, quiet evening with friends. They talked a little shop, about the shows and different projects they were all involved in, but as artists not as work. A few times Marc and Ryan caught each other’s glance. This was why they lived in New York. This was part of why they wanted to work together. Regardless of how they met, they were ive colleagues now. They had their own family here too.

Inviting Sergio and Havi up for the weekend was perfect as it was Sergio’s birthday. Big cities weren’t really Havi’s thing, but he would go so they could spend more time together. Any time apart seemed like a waste considering what was on the horizon. Yet, not being able to tell people about Havi’s trip was becoming more difficult. Taking the train, they left the dogs with Paola. Havi saw it as a trial run for when he left for Africa but didn’t say that aloud. They couldn’t share that part, just that they wanted some dog-free time in New York. Plus, it would be busy and loud, and the dogs wouldn’t like it. It all worked. Dropping off their bags at Ryan and Derrick’s they got the short tour, their room, their bathroom, etc. The size of the apartment was huge for New York. The view was amazing, the décor reflected the two of them perfectly. Plus, the rooms were on either side of the space, so they had privacy when they got back after the movie. Meeting up for dinner before the movie screening, Marc finally got to meet the Havi he had heard so much about. And everyone was right. He was kind, smart, funny, very attentive to Sergio without being controlling. All these traits were somehow demonstrated in a very short period of time, Marc could see it. He was good for Sergio. It was at the meal that Marc presented the idea of introducing immigration issues onto the show. Luckily, Havi was able to take the conversation because Sergio started to get quiet. The immigration issues

weighed on him, but there was a more pressing issue now. Havi’s next travel plans made him even more nervous. The refugee crisis was another angle they could take, though Sergio didn’t feel like he should bring it up at this point. Maybe later. Maybe after Havi returned safely and his friend was out. Once Sergio snapped back, they both talked to Marc about ideas and agreed to be a sounding board for the writers. The quiet from Sergio wasn’t missed by everyone. As they walked to the theater, Ryan pulled Sergio aside. “So…. You were kinda quiet back there. Is everything okay? Are you worried about citizenship stuff?” He hadn’t thought about that as a cover for what he was really worried about, but it worked. “Yeah, I’m a little worried about what comes next.” “I started looking into lawyers that deal with immigration rights for us. Since we can’t get married yet, we don’t have the option. There are a number of lawyers here that might be able to help you. And now with Obergefell v. Hodges going to the Supreme Court, we’ll see.” “Right. They consolidated those, yeah?” “Yep. All six into one. It will be hard to argue against.” “’We’ll, see’ is right.” Sergio never thought about getting married. He and Akemi had never filed paperwork in England, even if they had the ceremony. If it meant citizenship, would he do it? “I hope so.” “I guess next year might be a big one.” Smiling, Sergio nodded in agreement. Next year was going to be a big one, things were going to change. It was going to start with Havi leaving the country to find his friend. Sergio had hope next year would all turn out okay.

32

Bethesda. Maryland November 2014

When the team got together, there was a lot of talking shit, playing first person shooter games and ‘messing around’. However, once they got to business, that’s what it was. Business. Meeting at Havi’s, they were surprised Sergio was there. They all decided it was good he was, that way they could ask him questions. If he was going to be part of the family, he had to get used to getting shit from them. At different times throughout dinner, each one of them asked him about his meeting with Akemi and what really happened. They asked why he needed to meet with him at all, what happened at the club, what was he wearing, what was he wearing underneath what he was wearing. Really, they wanted to know what his intentions were with their brother. Each time he told them the exact same story, which was the truth. Then, after dinner, while they were sitting around, they all asked him again, probably to see if the story changed and it didn’t. Havi had warned him, Sergio knew it was because they cared. He was willing to explain again. He answered with essentially the same story. It was different enough that it didn’t sounded too rehearsed. And then he told each one of them that he loved Havi and wanted him to be happy. That he couldn’t promise he’d never do anything to upset, him, but he would try his best. Honesty seemed like the right answer, and it was. The conversation with Jerry was slightly more in depth. Jerry was Havi’s best friend, so that made sense. Jerry wanted more specifics on his previous relationships, monogamy being new to him, how the accident changed his life, things like that. Sergio was happy to answer even if it made him uncomfortable. Hopefully, they could get Havi to change his mind about going to Africa. If not, they were going to be there protect him. Sergio wanted to be sure they all knew how important Havi was to him. After some more detailed questions, Jerry was ready to sign off of their relationship and give them his blessing. “I’m glad you’re around Sergio. Our boy seems pretty happy.”

“I hope so. I am pretty happy with him around.” Pulling out the snacks for the card game, Sergio turned to Jerry with one important question. “That said…” “Yes.” Jerry knew what was coming. “Let’s hear it.” With one hand on the counter, Sergio leaned as he asked, “If you guys are so worried about his well-being, why the hell are you letting him go to Egypt?” With a small laugh Jerry smiled. “Well, one thing you will learn about Havi, if you haven’t already, is that he can be really stubborn about things if he thinks it’s the right decision. If I could get him to stay home, I would. I even threated to tie him to a chair and lock him in a basement. But he’d get out of it and show up without our help. He’d do that sometimes. Just go check out things and then tell us later. He’d have a reason, usually one that was pretty good, but it wasn’t his best quality in the field.” “Okay. Good to know.” Sergio looked at Jerry a little perplexed. What did he mean he’d ‘go check things out and then tell us later’? That didn’t seem very smart. “Huh.” “It was never anything too crazy after the first time he did that. We all yelled at him and he got the point. But, little things, he’d go alone. Usually radio it in at least. He didn’t always wait for one of us to accompany him.” Shifting so his hip was against the counter, Sergio replied, “That seems absurd.” “Yeah, that’s Havi sometimes. It’s better if we go with him to protect him during this adventure. We’ll try to keep him out of the camp. I promise. We’ll keep him out of harm’s way as much as we can Sergio.” “What are you two talking about?” Hank didn’t like feeling left out, so when Jerry and Sergio were in the kitchen longer than it took to get chips, he decided to check on them. Jerry smiled at Hank. Realistically, they should have this conversation in front of Havi. With everyone in the living room, maybe the three of them could make a plan. “Sergio asked why we are letting Havi come to Egypt.” “Ha! Letting? Did you tell him that once Havi gets it in his head that he’s doing something, you can’t stop him? That he used to make shit choices and do

dangerous things by himself? Nearly got himself killed.” Sergio look changed to shock. He did almost get himself killed, but he thought that was planned that he’d go by himself. Jerry said it wasn’t anything big, was he playing it down? “I did.” Shaking his head at Hank, Jerry knew they just made it worse. “I tried to play that down to not freak Sergio out any more than he already is. But I said we’d be there to protect him, right?” “Oh. Yes. Sorry. Always. We will be there to keep him from doing anything stupid.” Hank patted Sergio on the shoulder. “He had to have learned by now.” “I’m not sure that makes me feel better, but I think I see your point.” Sergio knew Havi was a determined guy when he thought he needed to be. They were going to have a long talk about safety before he left. With that they all moved the party back into the dining room where the cards were already being dealt. Moving on to the next thing, as if something tremendous wasn’t about to happened. This was what their lives were like every day. After the cards and some more chatting, the team left with hugs and ‘see you soon’. It was never goodbye with them. Always ‘until next time’. It had to be that way. This left the four of them in the quiet of their home. “Sorry if they harassed you about stuff.” Havi was sitting on the couch, sorting through photos, Gracie’s head on his lap. “They can be pretty pushy when they want to be.” “It’s cool. They love you and want you to be happy. As do I.” Sergio kissed Havi on the top of head as he reached down to pick up some glasses on the table. “Did they ask you too many questions?” Laughing from the kitchen, Sergio replied, “Not really. Just what I expected. And I asked them questions in return.” “Did you get answers?”

“Kinda.” Sergio brought some tea into the living room. “Jerry said you are stubborn and that you used to go and check things out alone instead of waiting for back-up. Is that true?” “Nah. Not really. It was never anything that big. Just little stuff that seemed odd or whatever.” Moving some of the paperwork around, Havi wasn’t looking at Sergio while he talked. Standing in front of him with the tray, Sergio asked, “So, he’s right. Hank used the phrase ‘shit choices’. True?” Looking at Sergio, he couldn’t really hide it. “Yeah, I guess so. I got better at asking for help over time. There were times I’d go by myself and they knew about. Usually with Brady.” Yeah, once with Brady that didn’t turn out that well for Havi was Sergio’s thought. But he kept that to himself. “Speaking of, do you want me to watch Brady while you are gone? I’m not sure he’ll be happy you aren’t around. Assuming he’s not going with you.” Looking up at Sergio with a smile, “Thank you. Yeah, I wasn’t sure if I should take him. I think it’s better he stays here. I think he’ll be happy to spend time with you and Gracie.” Her tail wagged as Havi rubbed her ears. “Well, I think it’s better if you stay here too, but I understand that you have to go. And if I can’t have you in bed with me, at least I’ll have these two cuddly dogs. Though, I think they prefer to sleep in that dog bed together. As they talked, Brady came in from the backyard and jumped up on the couch next to Gracie. They sniffed each other and settled down. “I really appreciate that you’ll take care of him.” “It’s not forever Havi. It’s just while you are out of town.” Even if he was scared that Havi would not come back, he had to believe it would all work out. Sitting down on the couch, he took some of the photos in Havi’s hand to look. A tear started to form. Havi was also afraid that something would go wrong. This time was so different from when he was in the military. Before, things like this didn’t scare him. Now, he had physical limitations that he wasn’t used to. “Please feel free to stay here if you want to.”

“You just want someone to get your mail.” Noticing that Havi was worried, Sergio thought he’d lighten the mood. Laughing a little, Havi, just shook his head. It was going to be dangerous, and he wasn’t ready. Physically and mentally. There was a lot at stake. “Yeah, that’s it. Can you mow the lawn too?” “Hiring an Asian gardener now. You know I’m only half, so I’ll only turn half your bushes into topiaries.” “Very funny.” Taking the photos back, they were in order before. “When that French half of me goes, ‘fuck it, let’s have some pastries’, I’ll forget what I was doing, and you’ll be left with funny looking trees.” “I don’t know what to do you with you sometimes.” “I have some ideas. However, you know what?” Sliding closer, Sergio put his hand on Havi’s knee. “Normally, I would say, let’s go have as much sex as we can until you leave. But, really, I just want to hold you until the sun rises. How weird is that?” The edges of his mouth were up, indicating a small smile. His arms reached out to surround Sergio. “I’m sorry Sergio. I’m sorry I’m putting this on you.” Wrapping his arms around Havi. This wasn’t going to be easy, but he understood why he had to go. “You aren’t. It’s my choice to be here. And, I’ll be here when you get back. Because, you have to come back to me.” Pulling back a little, Havi looked Sergio in the eye before saying, “Sergio, I can’t promise…” “Nope. You don’t get to say that. You are coming back.” He sat back on the couch, pulling Havi with him. Wanting to what he felt like. What he looked like. What he smelled like. How his hair felt against his skin. The grip of his hands holding Sergio close to him. There were so many things he needed to hold on to. Havi’s chest was pressed against Sergio’s as they snuggled together on the couch. Leaning in for a kiss before sliding down a little, Sergio’s arms

surrounded him as he held him tight. Settling in, they stretched out. Moving down, Havi kept his hand on Sergio’s chest. His fingers spread out as his hand moved to his side. “Do you want to watch a movie?” “Not really. I just want to hold you.” Closing his eyes, Sergio took a deep breath. His smell. He needed to his smell. One hand moved to Havi’s neck as his fingers ran through his hair. Kissing Sergio’s neck slowly, Havi pulled him in tighter. “Do you feel better after hearing the plan?” “They were quite helpful in their explanations.” Snuggling in, he continued, “But, no. I can’t say that I do.” A smile came across Havi’s face as Sergio’s word choice indicated his English education. Knowing the answer was probably ‘no’ to this question too, he asked anyway, “Is there anything I can do to help?” “Right now, this is good.” After a short pause, Sergio asked, “How will I know you’re safe? Can you call or anything?” Picking his head up, Havi looked at Sergio. “I’ll get a phone when I land, I can’t use the one I use here. It’s not a good idea to have your number on the phone until after I finish some business.” There would be about a week before they went to the camp. Havi was going to try diplomatic means first. He had s there from whom he could buy weapons to protect himself. Not the nicest people in the world and they couldn’t know he had a prosthetic leg now. Sergio knew the ‘business’ was Havi buying guns from bad people. That didn’t make him feel better at all. “Okay.” “Once things are set, I can you, but it will probably be quick.” The guys were coming down once they finished whatever it was they were doing in Ethiopia. It was unlikely that Havi would get that far on his own, so the plan was to go in with the guns and hope they didn’t have to use them. At least his old team had been able to dissuade him from going into the camp with them. Granted, he might change his mind once they got there. “Once you get Saeed.” Looking down his nose at Havi, his arms still tight. “How will I know he got out safely?”

“Jerry will probably call or text you. We have codes for some of these things, I can leave you a list.” “Okay. I guess I’ll take what I can get.” They held each other as the night progressed. Neither felt like getting up from the couch or sleeping. It was early in the morning when they started to kiss. Very slowly, very carefully, their lips touched with a tender caress. The fear they were both pushing down was starting to surface, yet there were many weeks before Havi was leaving. How to get through those weeks was going to be a challenge. And one nobody else could know about. There was uncertainty ahead of them, but they knew this was what had to happen.